April 13, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. There is a new show on Quibi called ‘Murder House Flip’ where people renovate notorious homicide homes. “If this keeps up much longer, they’re gonna have a lot more homes to choose from,” said couples quarantined together. 

2. Last week, aides to Joe Biden said the likely Democratic nominee will arrange a call with President Trump to discuss the country’s response to the deadly coronavirus pandemic. Together they will tackle the nation’s biggest challenge, two 70-plus-year-old men trying to figure out a Zoom call:

 3. Walt Disney might require theme park visitors to have their temperatures checked when they reopen after coronavirus restrictions on public gatherings are lifted. “Bend over,” said Goofy:

4. Queen Elizabeth made a rare address to the nation last weekend to address the coronavirus pandemic. Wow, it must be so comforting to have a leader that rarely addresses the nation:

5. According to reports, President Trump has been advocating the use of hydrochloroquine to treat the coronavirus because Rudy Guiliani has been telling him that it works. Which explains Trump’s other suggested cure, marrying your first cousin.

6. Last Tuesday was National Beer Day. Said Americans, “What’s Tuesday?”

7. According to a new study, you can predict how many women a man has slept with by how funny he is. That story again, Rob Schneider is still a virgin.

8. A painting by Vincent van Gogh was stolen in an overnight raid at a Dutch museum. I’m jealous, not of the payday that will come from selling that masterpiece, but that they got out of their house and went to a museum. 

9. Over the weekend, “Saturday Night Live” returned to television with a new, remotely produced show. And I think i speak for everyone when I say, please, no one tell the producers of ‘God Friended Me” that’s possible.

10. Last week, author JK Rowling launched a ‘Harry Potter at Home’ online tool for kids in lockdown. Not to be outdone, Jared from Subway showed his tool to kids online and now he’s under lockdown.

11. According to a new study, cats can contract and pass the coronavirus. So that explains all the social distancing:

12. Last week, O.J. Simpson said that one of the stars of the Netflix docu-series ‘Tiger King’ definitely killed her husband. What makes him the authority on …. oh, right, right, right, the double murder thing.

13. The Democratic Party on Thursday postponed its presidential nominating convention by a month until August, citing the coronavirus health crisis. “So you’re telling me I still got a chance,” said Tulsi Gabbard.

14. A petition to name Dr. Anthony Fauci the “Sexiest Man Alive” is gaining momentum. Because if the virus keeps up, he will be the only man alive.

15. President Trump said Friday his administration was now recommending Americans wear “non-medical cloth” face coverings. Adding, “Especially the uggos.”

16. The Supreme Court on Friday postponed oral arguments scheduled for April as a result of the coronavirus and is considering alternative options for handling its outstanding cases. And those alternatives better involve Ruth Bader Ginsburg quarantined in the fucking Popemobile:

17. In a conference call with major league sports commissioners on Saturday, President Trump said he believes the NFL season should start on time in September. Although the football players weren’t enthusiastic about going back after the call, not because of the virus, but because they just got a firsthand look at the end-result of suffering severe brain damage:

18. Actor Arnold Schwarzenegger has been posting self-isolation videos of him eating meals at home with his tiny donkey and miniature horse. So I think it’s safe to assume Maria Shriver won that divorce.

19. According to reports, the King of Thailand is self-quarantining by renting out an entire hotel in Germany for himself and his twenty girlfriends. So at least we already know the epicenter of the next viral pandemic.

20. Last week, President Trump said he didn’t want to give the American people bad news during the coronavirus pandemic. Then maybe he should stop holding daily televised press conference reminding the American people that he’s still the president.

21. During a press conference last week, President Trump called himself a ‘cheerleader’ for the country. Marking the first time I’ve ever actually felt bad for Kellyanne Conway:

22. According to a new study, most Americans want the government to require mail-in ballots for the November presidential election if the coronavirus outbreak still threatens the public. Begging the question how much postage does it take to mail a ballot from Russia?

23. A group of clowns who usually entertain retirees in their rooms at seniors homes has taken to performing outside instead so their audience can watch from their windows while in coronavirus-enforced isolation. But if the seniors miss that show, don’t worry, this group of clowns puts on a performance on your tv everyday:

24. Last week, Dr. Anthony Fauci said he does not think people should shake hands “ever again.” “Look who was ahead of his time,” said President Trump:

25. This week, rapper Drake revealed that he has a Birkin bag collection that he purchased for his future wife. “Yeah, that’s why I had that pocketbook collection too,” said the ghost of Liberace.

January 26, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to his alleged-mistress Stormy Daniels, President Trump is deathly afraid of sharks. Is he afraid of all sharks or, like Charlottesville, does he make an exception for the great white ones?

2. According to reports, Matt Lauer’s wife has kicked him out of the house. Turns out he’s not the only Lauer who knows how to install a lock on a door.

3. On his last day in the Middle East, Vice President Mike Pence visited Israel’s historic Western Wall. “Look at this old, relic from a very long time ago,” said the wall.

4. The Weinstein Company has entered into exclusive negotiations to sell the studio to a group of investors led by former Obama administration official Maria Contreras-Sweet. It will be a nice change of pace for an Obama official to follow a sexual predator this time, instead of the other way around:

5. A car insurance company has admitted to increasing premiums for customers with hotmail email addresses, claiming they are more likely to get into accidents. Said one of those customers, “I’m brining you down, wait til everyone on Friendster hears about this!”

6. Last week, White House special counsel Ty Cobb said he expects the Russia investigation to wrap up in the next four to six weeks. After which, I assume, he will go back to his day job as mayor of Munchkinland:

7. The International Olympic Committee announced on Saturday that North Korea will send 22 athletes to the Winter Games in the South Korea next month. The athletes said they look forward to representing North Korea this year and South Korea in 2022.

8. Twelve hours into the federal government shutdown, minority leader Chuck Schumer complained, “Negotiating with President Trump is like negotiating with Jell-O.” Said representatives from Jell-O, “Still not the worst publicity we’ve had”:

9. According to reports, ex-Trump staffer Omarosa Manigault Newman may have secretly recorded all of her conversations while working in the White House. If true, we may finally hear firsthand conversation only Omarosa was privy to, conversations like, “What is Omarosa doing here?” and “What the fuck is her job?”

10. According to a new survey, ten percent of Americans have never heard of Mike Pence. Said Pence, “Please tell me one of those people is Robert Mueller.”

11. During last weekend’s Woman’s March, the president of Planned Parenthood called on white women to do more to “save this country from itself.” In response, Hillary quietly excused herself to her punching wall:

12. On Monday, nominations for the Razzies, the awards for the worst movies of the year, were announced with “Transformers: The Last Knight” leading the way with nine nominations. Which is weird because I don’t remember Johnny Depp being in that.

13. Cybercriminals claim to be selling the Social Security numbers of babies on the dark web. “What about phone numbers?” asked Jared Fogel.


14. President Trump said on Monday that he would make a deal on immigration only if he sees it as beneficial for the country. Or if Melania starts to lose her looks.

15. President Trump told reporters on Wednesday that, if given the opportunity, he would talk to special counsel Robert Mueller under oath. Of course Trump would have to be under oath because, as Melania will tell you, he’s way too heavy to be on top.

16. President Trump told reporters on Wednesday that, if given the opportunity, he would talk to special counsel Robert Mueller under oath. Begging the question, does the oath count if your hand barely covers the Bible?:

17. Monday was Donald and Melania Trump’s 13th wedding anniversary. Which means Donald saved some money by only having to send one bouquet:

18. A U.S. official appointed by President Donald Trump has resigned after CNN posted excerpts of him making racist and Islamophobic comments on a radio show he used to host. Asked whether they knew about the video, the Trump administration replied, “Why do you think we hired him?”

19. President Donald threatened on Thursday to withhold aid to the Palestinians if they did not pursue peace with Israel. But, the president should know that sometimes you have to support things even if you don’t want to:

20. Buyers who sign up early for new Trump-branded apartments in India are being given the chance to meet with Donald Trump Jr. Although, but if don’t have enough money to buy a condo, but still want to meet Don Jr., just tell him you have dirt on Hillary Clinton.

January 12, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. While making an appearance before Monday night’s College Football National Championship game, President Trump appeared to forget the words to the National Anthem. It’s the first time Trump has forgotten the words to something since he tried to call Baron by his name.

2. According to reports, the White House ban on staffers using personal cellphones in the West Wing will go into effect next Tuesday. Which I guess means it’s back to smoke signals for Melania:

3. A Rhode Island rapper whose songs include “Sell Drugsz” and “Feds Watching” has been sentenced to three years in federal prison for trafficking heroin and fentanyl. And I can’t think of any worse street cred in jail than being a Rhode Island rapper.

4. According to NBC News, a group of Democratic women in Congress will wear black to President Trump’s first State of the Union address at the end of the month. But, if history is any guide, I bet Donald is just happy they plan on showing up:

5. Last weekend, O.J. Simpson watched the Buffalo Bills playoff game with a group of Bills at a sports bar. It’s the first time a game didn’t go to overtime, but the fans were still very worried about sudden death.

6. President Trump on Monday told farmers gathered in Tennessee that he supports crop insurance. And, in his defense, Trump has always been a big proponent of cropping:

7. After receiving criticism about what their devices do to children, Apple defended themselves this week saying it “has always looked out for kids.” Which isn’t a great defense since, technically, Jared from Subway also “always looked out for kids.”

8. According to a new lawsuit, WalMart misled shoppers by selling organic eggs laid by hens raised in enclosed structures. “What kind of person does that?” said me upon hearing that people buy eggs at WalMart.

9. After her speech at the Golden Globes, rumors are running wild that Oprah Winfrey will run for president against Donald Trump in 2020. And I can’t think of a person more opposite to Trump than a legitimate billionaire, woman of color who is involved in Weight Watchers.

10. Nissan is reportedly working on a car that can read the driver’s mind. The most common thought: “I wish I was more successful so that I didn’t have to drive a Nissan.”

11. US ambassador to the UN Nikki Haley says President Trump’s tweet warning North Korean leader Kim Jong Un about US nuclear capabilities helps global security because it keeps Kim “on his toes.” Also keeping Jong Un on his toes, things on shelves:

12. This week, O.J. Simpson denied long-standing rumors that he had an affair with Kris Jenner and is Khloe Kardashian’s real father. Said the Juice, “Luckily, that time, the glove did fit”:

13. The Jewish lawyer whom Kayla Moore, wife of failed Alabama Senate candidate Roy Moore, bragged about knowing is actually a practicing Christian. But, in her defense, Kayla Moore, probably missed the day in middle school where they covered religion because Roy Moore was taking her to the mall.

14. It was recently announced that David Letterman’s first guest on his new Netflix show will be former-President Barack Obama. “What’s it like to be replaced by a guy who has good ratings?” asked Obama.

15. Environmental Protection Agency chief Scott Pruitt, the conservative former attorney general of Oklahoma, is interested in replacing Attorney General Jeff Sessions if that job becomes available. I don’t know Scott, those are some very tiny shoes to fill:

16. The California couple arrested last month in Nebraska for carrying a large quantity of marijuana they claimed were Christmas gifts, were arrested again for possession of marijuana. Said the couple, “Haven’t you ever heard of Martin Luther King Jr. Day gifts?”

17. President Trump on Saturday rejected an author’s accusations that he is mentally unfit for office saying he is “a very stable genius.” Begging the question, what the fuck does unstable look like?:

18. According to a new study, people who live close to gyms, pools and playing fields weigh less and have smaller waistlines than their counterparts residing farther away from exercise facilities. Which is weird because I could have sworn there was a pool in the White House:

19. Steve Bannon has stepped down as executive chairman of Breitbart News, the right-wing news website said on Tuesday. Which is a much easier task for Bannon than stepping up:

20. A mysterious electrical fire broke out on the roof of New York’s Trump Tower on Monday. Which is not surprising, Trump-owned properties have a history of hard to explain debacles appearing on top of them:

April 27, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Simon, a 3-foot long Welsh rabbit, was found dead in the cargo hold of a United plane after a flight from London landed in Chicago on Tuesday. United apologized for the death of Simon, or, as he was referred to on the next outbound flight, the kosher meal.

2. Yesterday was First Lady Melania Trump’s birthday. Which, to Donald, means depreciation and another year off her trade-in value.

3. According to a new survey, 40% of men have asked their partner to change their pubic hair. “I can honestly say that has never been an issue,” said Jared Fogel.

4. A second parchment copy of the Declaration of Independence has been found in England. “Does it still have that bullshit about all men being created equal?” asked Steve Bannon.

5. Florida state senator Frank Artiles resigned last week after yelling obscenities and racial slurs inside a lounge frequented by lawmakers in the state capital. And, just like that, Fox News has found their Bill O’Reilly replacement.

6. Actor Rob Lowe has taken over the role of Colonel Sanders in KFC’s newest commercials. Rob reportedly got the job because he knew a guy on the inside:

7. A woman visiting Omaha’s Henry Doorly Zoo Sunday went into labor and gave birth while still on zoo grounds. The baby is doing well and the woman is said to be resting comfortably on a hot rock.

8. According to a ‘Washington Post’ article, White House aides have begun including local news headlines in the daily press clippings provided to President Trump because they are often more favorable. For instance, Timber Trace Elementary’s ‘School Gazette’ called Trump “really, really smart and super, duper tough.”

9. A new study found that blood from human infants appeared to improve learning and memory in older mice. You can read more about it in this month’s ‘Medical Journal of Evil.’

10. A 1,100 pound Egyptian woman lost half her body weight after undergoing surgery in India. The woman said her goal weight is to not be mistaken for a pyramid.

April 4, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to reports, Casey Anthony and O.J. Simpson may star in a reality TV show together. It will be the most literal season of ‘Surviror’ ever.

2. Yesterday, White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer announced that President Trump’s first quarter salary of $78,333 will be donated to the National Parks Service. Trump made the donation with one caveat, that the Parks Service use the money to buy Photoshop:

3. According to new research, babies cry more in Britain, Canada, Italy and Netherlands than in other countries, while newborns in Denmark, Germany and Japan cry and fuss the least. Researchers also found that babies tend to cry longer in the United States, in some cases, tantrums lasted up to 70 years:

4. As mobile phone use grows in India, more young men are calling women at random, hoping to strike up a relationship. Calling an unfamiliar number and being connected to a random Indian person, we have something like in the States, it’s called customer support.

5. Robert Weighton, Britain’s oldest man, who turned 109 last week, refused a birthday card from the Queen because she looked “miserable” on her official correspondence. “If that’s the case, I won’t even bother to write.” said Melaina.

6. According to a new study, the sounds of nature have a calming effect on people. “So, get it while you still can,” said the EPA.

7. The New England Rural Crime Unit is currently investigating the theft of more than 200 sheep. It actually may have been more than 200, but the person in charge of counting kept falling asleep.

8. A restaurant in North Carolina has seen an uptick in reservations after banning children under the age of five. “That’s not the Subway I know and love,” said Jared.

9. According to news reports, the last time that President Trump talked to former-President Obama was on inauguration day. Because ‘talk’ implies a two-way conversation:

10. Last week, border guards in Ukraine discovered a lion cub in a van carrying 2,245 parrots. That’s crazy, since when does Ukraine have border guards?:

March 1, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Monday, SpaceX CEO Elon Musk announced that his company will send two space tourists to the moon sometime late next year. “How are the schools there?” asked Melania.

2. President Trump recently said he believes that former-President Barack Obama is behind the leaks in his administration. Trump came to that conclusion when he realized he couldn’t blame everything on immigrants and Hillary.

3. Spain has appointed a ‘sex tsar’ to help boost the country’s low birthrate. We have a person in the U.S. that overseas massive increases in the nation’s birthrates too, we call him the commissioner of the NBA.

4. In a new interview that aired Tuesday morning, President Trump said he couldn’t think of a single time when he received deserved criticism. But, in Trump’s defense, maybe he means he can’t think of just one, SINGLE time.

5. Golfer Rory McIlroy said that his outing last week with President Donald Trump was not a political endorsement but rather “simply a round of golf.” Heavy stress on the ‘round’ part:
fat-trump

6. According to new research, if done correctly, sex uses all 657 muscles in the human body. Begging the question, why isn’t Tara Reid in better shape?

7. According to a new study, the chicken offered at Subway restaurants contain just 50% chicken DNA. Even worse, some sandwiches contain as much as 70% of Shawn’s DNA:
subway-shawn

8. President Donald Trump’s nominee to be the director of national intelligence pledged on Tuesday to support a thorough investigation of any Russian efforts to influence the 2016 presidential election. That story again, President Trump is looking for a new director of national intelligence.

9. On Tuesday, swimmer Michael Phelps testified before Congress about doping reform. No word if the dope he was talking about were PEDs or Ryan Lochte:
lochte

10. Actress Jennifer Garner said she is ready to work with President Trump and wants to “have a steak and a good chat” with him. She’s not worried about whether Trump will ruin America because she has experience with men ruining once great institutions:
affleck

October 25, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. During a campaign rally on Sunday in Florida, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump said he wants to continue having “Trump rallies” for the next eight years. Yeah, they will, they’re called NASCAR races.

2. According to new guidelines, infants should sleep in the same bedroom as their parents for at least the first six months of their lives to minimize the risk of sleep-related deaths. And, just to be on the safe side, Donald Trump has insisted on sleeping in the same bed as his daughter Ivanka for the past 30 years.

3. The ex-wife of disgraced Subway pitchman Jared Fogle is suing the sandwich chain, charging that top executives knew of his pedophilia as early as 2004 and should have notified authorities. Although I think she may have known too considering this is the happy couple on their wedding day:
wedding

4. A mom in New York started a website called “Sh*t My Kids Ruined” full of pictures of things her children have destroyed. And, considering her first child was 12 pounds, 8 ounces and she didn’t have a c-section, so you can probably guess what the first picture she posted was of.

5. According to reports, after being fired from NBC, Billy Bush is planning to move back to Los Angeles from New York. Hopefully he’s taking a plane, because he has a history of bad things happening when he gets on a bus.

6. Police in Ohio are investigating after someone broke into a woman’s Jeep Wrangler, stealing approximately $1,000 worth of sex toys from inside. Even though she’s not a suspect, the woman asked if the cops would use their handcuffs on her.

7. An American team of robots defeated an Australian team of robots in soccer on Monday to win the RoboCup Challenge. So, unfortunately, in the future it looks like we’ll still have soccer.

8. Actor Luke Perry appeared on the cover of this month’s edition of AARP magazine after turing 50. And yet somehow still looks younger than Andrea Zuckerman.

9. Friday marks the 130th anniversary of the dedication of the Statue of Liberty in New York harbor. To celebrate, the inscription is being changed to “You know what, on second, you keep the huddled masses.”

10. During a campaign rally on Sunday in Florida, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump said, “we’re setting records with men, but I want to set records with women.” Begging the question, do criminal records count?

September 22, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump said on Wednesday he would consider using “stop-and-frisk” policing methods to cut crime if elected. The person he’d put in charge, you guessed it, Roger Ailes.

2. London’s Madame Tussauds museum said on Wednesday it had separated its wax figure replicas of Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt after the Hollywood power couple announced their split. No word on which figure got custody of the wax replica of Webster.
 
3. On Wednesday, the Trump campaign started selling “Make America Great Again” sweatbands. Sweatbands, which were popular in the 80’s, harken back to a simple, happier time when there was no ISIS, Zika didn’t exist, and Donald Trump wasn’t running for president.

4. Yesterday, South Korea confirmed that it has a military plan to remove North Korea’s Kim Jong Un from power. The plan consists of leaving a trail of donuts that lead directly into the sea.

5. In a recent interview, rapper The Game revealed that he’s slept with Blac Chyna and both Kim and Khloe Kardashian. So, I guess in this instance, you can hate both the player and The Game.

6. The Duggar family from TLC’s “19 Kids and Counting” is adopting a twentieth child. Unfortunately they’ll have to come up with a new name for the show because “20 Kids and Counting” is already the title to Jared Fogel’s autobiography.

7. Last week, a New York assemblyman who killed himself won re-election despite being dead. So, that’s one option, Donald.

8. A pair of Crocs retailing at $150 debuted at London Fashion week on Wednesday. Because if you live in England why should your teeth be the only part of your body that looks terrible.

9. Last week, Blac Chyna said she plans to eat her placenta after giving birth. Yet another reason for me to never learn who Blac Chyna is.

10. A Florida man was found guilty on Friday of attempted murder for shooting at George Zimmerman during a roadside confrontation earlier this year. Said the judge, “It’s really the ‘attempted’ part that makes me the most angry.”

September 16, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. An outbreak of hand, foot and mouth disease has struck the student body at Florida State University. But, that type of thing will happen when the hand motions that go along with the “Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes” song are part of the English 301 curriculum.

2. A new study has determined that you inherit your intelligence from your mother. Yup, that makes sense:
ivanka

3. According to new research, people don’t know how drunk they are. Said drunks, “No, you don’t know how drunk you are!”

4. A new study revealed that being actively involved in social media sites like Facebook and Twitter can bring users as much happiness as getting married or having a new baby. Especially if you have a shitty marriage and hate your kids.

5. An 18-year-old Austrian girl is suing her parents for posting ’embarrassing and intimate’ baby photos of her on Facebook. “Friend request sent,” said Jared Fogel.

6. Melania Trump released a letter from her immigration attorney Wednesday aimed at settling questions about whether she properly followed immigration law when she came to the United States in 1996. And here is a picture of her attorney:
trump-doctor

7. This week, a teenage driver in Alabama collided with a camel on a local road. So someone’s gonna have to break the news to baby Jesus that there’s only gonna be two wise men this year.

8. This week, Amazon announced that it’s virtual assistant device, the Echo, can communicate with all GE appliances. That story again, the Echo, your toaster and your fridge are now plotting against you.

9. The iPhone 7 is being advertised in Hong Kong using the catchphrase “This is seven,” but, in Cantonese, ‘seven’ is slang for ‘penis,’ so all the ads read “This is penis” next to a picture of the phone. Which, in Anthony Weiner’s case, is still technically accurate.

10. Sunday night, Savvy Shields, a college student from Arkansas, was crowned Miss America. So congratulations to Savvy on achieving her lifelong goal of getting the fuck out of Arkansas.

11. Rapper Travis Scott scored his first number one album on the Billboard 2000 charts on Monday with “Birds in the Trap Sing McKnight,” knocking previous number one Barbara Streisand down to sixth. “Dat woke ass bitch be trippin’ cause I ain’t fixin’ to be fake,” said Streisand.

12. On Saturday, Iran began building its second nuclear power plant. And, thanks to the first one, construction on this one should go a lot quicker:
construction

13. Pop star Lady Gaga has revealed she wrote the lyrics for her new single on a typewriter. Looks like another hit:
typewriter
 
14. According to a new study, middle-aged parents are more likely to smoke marijuana then their teenage children. Which explains, why, for the third night in a row, dinner is pizza rolls and an ice pop.
 
15. Last week, Louie Gohmert, a Republican Congressman from Texas, repeatedly declared Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton “mentally impaired” as the result of a concussion. Which, I assume, offends Gohmert because he came about his mentally impairment the old fashioned way.

16. A new study shows that prolonged exposure to cell phones destroys sperm cells in men. But, on the plus-side:
bieber

17. In a recent interview, Aerosmith singer Steven Tyler said he would do just about anything to be in the next “Guardians of the Galaxy.” I guess, because he doesn’t realize the raccoon is CGI:
racoon

18. The movie “Sully,” which is about the United Airlines flight that made an emergency landing in the Hudson a few years back, opened this weekend to rave reviews. Well, except for one notable movie critic:
sully-review

19. Two dolphins have been recorded having an underwater conversation for the first time ever. The conversation went something like this: “Who’s the guy with the tape recorded.” “I don’t know. I thought he was with you.”

20. Former New York City mayor Rudy Giuliani said he agreed with Donald Trump when the Republican presidential candidate said anything is legal during wartime. Which, I assume, includes faking bone spurs in your foot to avoid going to Vietnam.

July 12, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Last week Virginia introduced a law that makes it illegal for 12-year-old girls to get married. While 12-year-old girls will still be required to get married in West Virginia.

2. A house in Seattle that was declared to dangerous to even enter sold for $427,000 after an intense bidding war. “We’ve been sitting on a goldmine,” said the entire city of Detroit.

3. Over the weekend, “Duck Dynasty” star Phil Robertson linked gay marriage to mass murder in a speech to conservatives. “You could have just RSVP’d ‘No’,” said Lance Bass and his fiancee.

4. 18-year-old Vashti Cunningham clinched a Olympic berth in track and field last week becoming the youngest U.S. Olympian since 1980. “It’s so much harder when they run fast,” said Jared Fogel.

5. In a recent interview with ‘Vanity Fair,’ actress Lindsay Lohan said she is writing a book. The working title is “The Girl with the Lower Back Dragon Tattoo.”

6. During the award ceremony at the conclusion of the U.S. Women’s Open golf tournament on Sunday, USGA president Diana Murphy repeatedly and incorrectly referred to winner Brittany Lang as ‘Bethany.’ The last time someone in golf mistakenly called a woman by the wrong name it resulted in Elin chasing Tiger around the house with a 9 iron.

7. Yesterday was the United Nation’s World Population Day, with this year’s focus being on issues facing teenage girls around the world. Issues like access to education, equal pay and why Becky’s being such a bitch.

8. On Monday, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump said, if need be, he will personally fix the Department of Veteran Affairs to prevent any future mishaps. And, in exchange, hopefully VA hospitals will fix Trump to prevent any future mishaps:
trumps

9. According to a new study, in school cafeterias with banners depicting vegetables as superheroes, more young children took veggies from the salad bar. Which may explain why most Chinese lunchrooms have banners of Underdog.

10. 5-star wide receiver recruit Tee Higgins announced his decision to play football at Clemson University in a video via an elaborate fireworks display. Jason Pierre Paul gave the video his highest rating, one and a half thumbs up.