September 29, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. During a speech in Alabama last week, President Trump said, “I might have made a mistake. I’ll be honest, I might have made a mistake.” Then he brought Eric on stage.

2. During a speech in Alabama last week, President Trump said that he might have moved to Alabama or Kentucky if he lost the 2016 election because “it’s nice to go to where people love you and you love them.” Also, they tend to look the other way on certain things:

3. Last week, Angela Merkel has won a fourth term as German Chancellor. “Alright, now that bitch is just rubbing it in,” said Hillary.

4. Last Friday, President Trump promised that North Korea’s Kim Jong Un “will be tested like never before.” So, he’s gonna make him do two push-ups?

5. On Saturday, President Trump disinvited the Golden State Warriors from taking the customary championship visit to the White House. “Looks like I gotta start working on another way to get invited to the White House,” said Eric:

6. As a sign of solidarity, Stevie Wonder took a knee while the National Anthem played at a concert on Sunday. Or, more likely, someone moved Stevie’s chair without telling him.

7. This week, Health and Human Services Secretary Tom Price told Fox News that he will no longer use private jets for government business. Adding, “Is it possible to rent the Popemobile?”

8. Former U.S. Representative Anthony Weiner was sentenced to 21 months in prison on Monday for sending sexually explicit messages to a 15-year-old girl. But, on the plus side, his lawyer was able to negotiate his one jailhouse phone call into five jailhouse text messages.

9. On Monday, a man at a Sri Lankan airport was found to be carrying over two pounds of gold hidden in his rectum. So when your boyfriend tells you he “went to Jared” ask him to be more specific.

10. Researchers have discovered that some species of frogs engage in sex orgies. So it may not be easy being green but it sounds like being green makes you easy.

11. New research shows that New York City is the most popular city to have a threesome. This according to a news article that Anthony Weiner keeps sending Huma from jail.

12. After Roy Moore won Alabama’s Republican Senate runoff Tuesday night, President Trump deleted tweets where he supported Moore’s opponent Luther Strange. Wait, Trump’s known how to delete tweets this whole time?!!?!:

13. According to reports, senior advisor to the president Jared Kushner is registered to vote in New York as a woman. Presumably because there wasn’t a box for ‘douchebag.’

14. According to reports, senior advisor to the president Jared Kushner is registered to vote in New York as a woman. So I guess Trump’s cabinet was much more diverse than we thought.

15. While appearing on Megyn Kelly’s new daytime show, Lyle Menendez said he regrets what he did every day. Although I have to believe agreeing to appear on the Megyn Kelly show is quickly climbing that list of regrets.

16. On Wednesday, Paul Horner, a leading purveyor of fake news in the 2016 presidential election, died at the age of 38. Horner died doing what he loved, getting gang-raped by a group of Mexican wrestlers while he orally pleasured a donkey or at least that’s what I read in an article online.

17. According to a new study, 215 million Americans watched the solar eclipse. The last time that many people gathered to watch a dark moment, the crowd was much smaller:

18. According to reports, The Trump administration plans to admit up to 45,000 refugees to the United States next year. Whereupon they will be released into the wild and Stephen Miller will be allowed to shoot them for sport:

19. China’s latest online star uses everyday office equipment to cook pancakes, hot pot and even flame-grilled fish at her desk. “Great, maybe she can get a new job now,” said the guy in the cubicle next to her.

20. This week, Playboy founder Hugh Hefner died at the age of 91. Thus marking the first time Hefner has ever caused men to use tissues for their intended purpose.

21. This week, Playboy founder Hugh Hefner died at the age of 91. The first person to find the body was the 26-year-old blonder he was lying on top of.

22. This week, Playboy founder Hugh Hefner died at the age of 91. But, on the plus side, due to rigamortis, it’s the stiffest he’s been in years.

23. An employe of the Buffalo Bills quit after the entire team took a knee during the national anthem last weekend. Which was a nice change of pace for most Buffalo fans who are used to the Bills quitting in the middle of games.

24. Florida corrections officials said on Thursday they had no indication from O.J. Simpson that he would move to the state after his upcoming release from a Nevada prison. Although he does have a history of showing put to places unannounced, allegedly.

September 22, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Before addressing the United Nations on Monday, President Trump was caught asking the man seated next to him whether the red light in front of him meant the microphone was on or off. So, at least, he’s learning from his mistakes:

2. Last Friday, an 11-year-old named Frank from Virginia mowed the White House lawn after sending a letter asking to do so. “Are there any little kids requesting to make purses?” asked Ivanka.

3. Last Friday, an 11-year-old named Frank from Virginia mowed the White House lawn after sending a letter asking to do so. And Trump helped out:

4. Last week, one-star reviews of Hillary Clinton’s new book “What Happened” mysteriously disappeared from Amazon. “Good luck finding them,” said the family of Vince Foster.

5. According to a new study, getting your tonsils removed increases your fertility. Although, if your tonsils are getting in the way of you getting pregnant, I think you might be doing it wrong.

6. A pop-up restaurant has opened in Tokyo where the 17 waiters and waitresses all suffer from dementia. Or, as it is known here in the States, Starbucks:

7. Ex-Trump aide Michael Caputo says he spent his children’s college fund on a lawyer to defend him in the ongoing Russian probe. But cheer up Mike, there’s history of people successfully suing Trump to get their tuition money back:

8. Jedediah Bila announced on Monday that she is leaving ‘The View.’ Jedediah is leaving, I assume, to spend more time churning butter.

9. A New York startup is developing a wristband that lets the wearer send text messages solely using their thoughts. The technology is still in the early stages, but here’s a sneak peak at what a technology that allows for stream-of-consciousness will look like:

10. An Ohio father who tried to discipline his 6-year-old daughter by chasing her around in a scary clown mask has been charged with inducing panic. “Is it sill illegal if it’s not a mask?” asked Kellyanne Conway’s kids.

11. Prosecutors on Wednesday sought a prison sentence of 27 months for Anthony Weiner, who admitted to sending sexually explicit messages to a teenage girl in a scandal that played a role in last year’s presidential election. After which, he may want to consider entering the witness protection program:

12. A San Diego children’s hospital unveiled a collection of remote controlled mini cars that allow its young patients to ‘drive’ themselves to the operating room. Unfortunately, the doctors aren’t very good, so the kid operating the mini tow-truck has been very busy.

13. This week, North Korea’s foreign minster compared President Trump’s threats to destroy the country to “a dog barking.” A sound in North Korea which also means dinner isn’t quite ready yet.

14. According to Roald Dahl’s widow, the author initially wanted to make the main character in “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory” black. In fact, originally, the Oomp-Loompas followed Charlie around the factory making sure he didn’t steal anything.

15. According to reports, former White House strategist Steve Bannon is in talks with Hollywood to make a western. I assume because he’s dead-ringer for the bloated corpse of John Wayne.

16. A few days after being accused of liking a pornographic tweet, Texas Senator Ted Cruz dismissed the claim saying, “the left is obsessed with sex.” Adding, “while my right hand is only mildly interested in it.”

17. A Florida woman punched her husband in the face after he burst into her bedroom while she was pleasuring herself because he thought she was having sex with another man. Or, as Chris Brown calls it, foreplay.

18. Last week, playwright Lin-Manuel Miranda went to Washington D.C. to advocate for the arts and sang Broadway songs on the congressional train the runs under the Capital building. Little known fact, if you sing show-tunes on the congressional train Lindsey Graham appears out of nowhere.

September 15, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. In her new book, Hillary Clinton said being at President Donald Trump’s inauguration was “an out-of-body experience.” As well as a no-body experience:

2. A man in the U.K. has been charged with a hate crime for teaching his dog to imitate Adolf Hitler by giving the Nazi salute. Uh-oh, I hope it’s not a crime to teach my dog to imitate Steve Bannon:

3. Maurice Bluestein, the man who invented the wind chill index, has died at the age of 76. But it really feels more like 72.

4. In a recent interview, former White House strategist Steve Bannon called President Trump’s firing of James Comey the biggest mistake in “modern political history.” Really? Pretty sure I can think of a bigger one:

5. Four members of a Polish death metal band were arrested over the weekend for allegedly kidnapping a woman who attended one of their concerts last month. Said the woman, “If I wanted the experience of being held against my will, I would have gone to a Nickelback concert.”

6. A man was arrested last weekend for masturbating at the finish line of the New Jersey half-marathon. “You only had one guy masturbating along the race route, what’s you secret?” asked the New York City marathon.

7. In a recent interview, host and comedian Steve Harvey revealed that he sends a television for Christmas every year to a teacher who told him he would never be on T.V. Upon watching Harvey’s day-time talk show, the teacher changed her mind and said “he should never be on T.V.”

8. The television ratings for the Cowboys 19-3 Sunday night win over the Giants was delayed because Nielsen evacuated its ratings staff in Florida ahead of Hurricane Irma. No word on whether the Giant’s offense evacuated with them.

9. Singer-songwriter Kid Rock said on Monday that calls by “the extreme left” and civil rights groups for his removal as the first headliner for a new arena in Detroit were politically motivated. Or maybe, just maybe, they’ve heard your music.

10. This week, conspiracist and all-around nut job Alex Jones claimed that the Deep State is drugging President Trump’s iced tea. I’m not sure Melania is considered ‘the Deep State,’ but arsenic is definitely a drug.

11. According to reports, President Trump was delighted by his official photo, telling aides he looked “like Churchill.” And, I assume he means present-day Churchill.

12. A gynecologist in Utah is being sued for allegedly failing to remove a piece of gauze from a woman’s vagina after surgery. Said the doctor, “Shot in the dark, but I also lost my watch.”

13. On Tuesday, Hillary Clinton was over an hour late to a scheduled book signing at a Barnes & Noble in Manhattan. But, in her defense, she got a little held up at her previous appointment in the city:

14. Late Monday night, the Twitter account of Texas Senator Ted Cruz liked a pornographic video showing a mother spying on her daughter having sex. And I gotta admit, if you had told me the Twitter account of a high-ranking political would like a video featuring a parent spying on their daughter having sex, Cruz wouldn’t have been my first guess.

15. Former White House press secretary Anthony Scaramucci will take over the website TMZ on Monday. And Scaramucci does have ample experience, not with celebrity gossip, but with holding down job for less than 24 hours.

16. An Arkansas woman has pled guilty to fraud after admitting to using public funds to buy a dog a tuxedo. So stupid, that dog is only gonna have one maybe two occasions a year where he can wear a tuxedo, everyone knows, you always rent.

17. Australian comedian Rebel Wilson won $3.7 million in damages on Wednesday after a global magazine publisher was found to have defamed her in a string of articles. “Does ‘articles’ include movie reviews?” said Johnny Depp.

18. President Trump said on Wednesday that under his tax reform plan, wealthy American might have to pay higher taxes. Which may not be a lie, because paying just one dollar in taxes would be an increase for him.

19. Former U.S. congressman Anthony Weiner has asked a judge not to sentence him to prison after he admitted to sending sexually explicit messages to a teenage girl. Said Weiner, “Those prisons have terrible WiFi.”

20. According to a new study, listening to happy music can spark creativity and improve problem solving. Although, I’ve found listening to Justin Bieber’s music also improves my problem solving, for instance, I hit the off button to solve the problem of hearing shitty music.

September 9, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. This week, Russian President Vladimir Putin took a shot at President Trump saying, “it’s difficult to have a dialogue with someone who confuses Austria with Australia.” So when the two get together they usually just spoon:

2. Professional golfer Lee Slattery recently revealed that he had to watch the birth of his second child on FaceTime. Even worse, he also used FaceTime to watch the conception.

3. This week, President Trump said Hurricane Irma “looks like it could be something that will be not good.” But, on the plus side,it sounds like those flashcards are finally paying off:

4. It was announced this week that two hundred Gap and Banana Republic stores will be closing. “They really are coming after our heritage,” said white people.

5. The special counsel investigating potential ties between Donald Trump’s presidential campaign and Russia has obtained a draft of a letter that explains reasons why Trump planned to fire former FBI Director James Comey. Here’s a look at it:

6. Earlier this week, an Australian man celebrated his 30th birthday by skydiving naked while playing a violin. “My bad,” said the inventor of the parachute.

7. A cafeteria worker at a school in Florida allegedly had sex with a teenage student in the school’s kitchen. But, don’t worry, they wore protection:

8. A tea company in China has launched that is aimed at depressed Chinese millennials with beverage options ranging from “achieved-absolutely-nothing black tea”, and “my-ex’s-life-is-better-than-mine fruit tea”. Or, if you’re really feeling bad about yourself, Mountain Dew.

9. On Sunday, Tesla and SpaceX CEO Elon Mush took to Twitter warning that World War 3 will be brought about by artificial intelligence. But, on the plus-side, that means WW3 won’t be caused by no intelligence:

10. According to new research, during the Bronze Age, women traveled the world while men stayed at home. “So, exactly the same as today,” said Stedman.

11. A computer is being developed that rates how much pain someone is in by detecting small changes in their facial expressions. The highest rating so far was achieved at an 11:30 screening of ‘The Emoji Movie.’

12. According to a report, when he dies, actor Nicolas Cage wants to be buried in a pyramid-shaped tomb. Because why should death prevent him from continuing to appear in embarrassing things:

13. Amazon on Tuesday launched Brown Sugar, a new subscription-video-on-demand service featuring what it calls the biggest collection of the “baddest” African-American movies for its prime members. “That’s bullshit, I have the market cornered on bad African-American movies,” said Tyler Perry.

14. Model Kendall Jenner and Los Angeles Clipper All-Star Blake Griffin are reportedly dating. So, I guess that settles it, Blake Griffin is black.

15. This week, a school district in Georgia apologized after a teacher banned her students from wearing Donald Trump shirts in class. That crazy story again, students in Georgia are apparently wearing shirts to school now. What’s next? Shoes?

16. Authorities seized seven live sharks and three dead ones from a pool in the basement of a New York home. Authorities suspect foul play and have a few suspects:

17. In an upcoming interview with ’60 Minutes,’ former White House strategist Steve Bannon said the media image of him is “pretty accurate.” Begging the question, he knows the media image of him is a guy who sucks his own dick, right?

18. This week, the wife of President Trump’s ethic lawyer was arrested for having sex in a car with a 23-year-old inmate. Or, as the Trump administration is trying to spin it, she was involved in prison reform.

19. A man addicted to plastic surgery claims a botched nose job left him with a permanent erection. Which, after all the botox, is the only way people know if he is happy to see them.

20. This week, the Rochester Institute of Technology gave a freshman orientation presentation that suggested masturbation as a deterrent to sexual assault. “If that’s the case, I think I have enough credits to be a senior,” said every teenage boy in the audience.

September 1, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. This week, former White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer finally met Pope Francis after being left out during President Trump’s visit to the Vatican earlier this year. Spicer and the Pope bonded overing comparing stories of what it’s like to work for a boss who has a God complex.

2. During a press conference on Monday, President Trump mistook two different blond reporters as the same woman. “Oh, maybe it’s not just a playful jokes that he always calls me Ivanka,” said Tiffany.

3. A planned film adaptation of ‘Lord of the Flies’ is the works that will feature an all female cast. The writer got the idea for an island full of women who turn on each other after hanging out with a group of women for more than five minutes.

4. A constipated gorilla at the Topeka Zoo in Kansas underwent surgery last week. The gorilla is still constipated, but, now, has a really nice set of tits.

5. In response to President Trump’s lackluster statements in the wake of Charlottesville, James Murdoch, the CEO of Fox, said “There are no good Nazis.” Adding, “And I should know, I’ve been looking to fill that 7pm slot on Fox News for months now.”

6. NFL Players Association executive director DeMaurice Smith said a work stoppage after the current collective bargaining agreement expires in 2021 is “a virtual certainty.” But just to be safe, the Jets decided to stop playing four years ago.

7. An 800-year-old sandstone coffin at a museum in Britain was damaged on Sunday after a family put a child into it for a photo and knocked off a small piece. Which, coincidentally, is the exact same reason Casey Anthony is banned from MOMA.

8. The president of the Girls Scouts of America has accused the Boy Scouts of America of trying to undercut the organization through a “covert campaign to recruit girls.” Although I wouldn’t call the neckerchief ‘covert’:

9. A Russian tanker built to crush ice in its path, completed a journey in record time from Europe to Asia. Thus marking the second time in recent history Russia defeated an icy and frigid opponent:

10. According to a new study, many older adults may mishear important medical information from their healthcare providers. So, yeah, there’s a good chance your grandmother’s doctor wasn’t saying she’s an “advanced dancer.”

11. Pigs that were saved from a fire in England earlier this year have been served to their rescuers as sausages by the farmer who wanted to thank the firefighters for their efforts. “They also saved us,” said the farmer’s very nervous kids.

12. Connecticut is the first state to allow judges to appoint attorneys as advocates for dogs and cats in cases of abuse and neglect. “So now I have two clients who can lick themselves,” said Steve Bannon’s lawyer.

13. On Monday, Russian gold-medal figure-skater Yulia Lipnitskaya retired from the sport at the age of 19. Or, according to Woody Allen, five years past her prime.

14. According to a new study, teens who start drinking at younger ages are more likely to have their first sexual encounter earlier than others. “Noted,” said teenage boys.

15. John Bolton, a former U.S. ambassador who at one point was a candidate to lead the State Department, claimed in an op-ed published Monday that he is no longer allowed to see President Trump. Or, as they refer to it in the Trump administration, being given ‘the Eric treatment.’

16. President Trump said he pardoned Arizona Sheriff Joe Arpaio in the middle of Hurricane Harry because he “assumed the ratings would be far higher.” So, maybe, if we can get a Sharknado going, he’ll announce his resignation.

17. Five people in South Africa were arrested this week for taking part in an alleged cannibalism ring after one man told police he was “tired of eating human flesh.” Proving once again, no one likes leftovers.

18. Last week, authorities in Saudi Arabia arrested teenage boy after he was seen publicly dancing to ‘The Macarena.’ And, since this is Saudi Arabia, I’m assuming it wasn’t at a bar-mitzvah.

19. ESPN analyst Ed Cunningham announced Wednesday that he is resigning from his role due to concerns regarding head injuries within the sport. In response, former NFL player and current ESPN analyst Emmitt Smith said, “Watermelon!”

20. Amazon and Microsoft announced on Wednesday a collaboration that will allow their respective voice assistants, Alexa and Cortana, to communicate with each other. But, so far, it’s just them talking shit about Siri.

21. According to a new study, young adults who use meth may have an increased risk of strokes. That story again, meth is bad.

22. President Trump’s eldest son, Donald Trump Jr., has agreed to sit down for a transcribed interview with the Senate judiciary committee. Don Jr. agreed to the meeting after the Senate judiciary committee promised to provide dirt on Hillary Clinton.

23. According to a new study, women with high concentrations of common flame retardants in their urine may have a hard time getting pregnant and carrying a baby to term. But, on the plus-side, if they do, fire-proof babies.

24. This weekend, an Asian-American actress on ABC’s ‘Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.’ claimed that Hollywood is racist. “If that’s the case, why doesn’t Hollywood like me more?’ asked Trump.

25. Last week, the White House named Hope Hicks the interim director of communications. Well, they name her director of communications, everyone else just assumed the ‘interim’ part.