Monthly Archives: September 2015

September 30, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

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1. On Tuesday it was reported that the NFL’s appeal of the reversal of Patriot quarterback Tom Brady’s Deflategate suspension won’t be heard until 2016. Causing Brady to learn a phrase that Jets fans are all too familiar with, ‘Wait till next year.’

2. During a soccer match in Brazil, a referee pulled out a gun after tempers boiled over on the field. Said the players, “No fair, why does he get to use his hands?”

3. On Tuesday, former NSA contractor and whistleblower Edward Snowden joined Twitter. Hopefully because he saw the humor in people receiving a notification that reads “Edward Snowden is following you.”

4. Researchers say that today’s larger, thinner TVs topple over more easily, thus resulting in an increased risk for injuring or even killing small children. Even worse, if used properly, the kid might survive and have to watch “The Mysteries of Laura.”

5. A contract signed by John Lennon, Paul McCartney, George Harrison and Ringo Starr sold at auction at Sotheby’s on Tuesday for over $550,000. It would have sold for more, but, like I said, it was signed by Ringo.

6. The Japanese company Softbang was forced to issue a reminder to its customers that its humanoid robot Pepper is not designed to be used in a sexual manner. And, in related news, tons of Japanese men are attempting to return slightly used Peppers.

7. In a recent interview, former President Bill Clinton likened his wife, Hillary’s email scandal to the same Republican and media tactics used to stir up controversy during his presidency. Which is an apt comparison because, just like the blue dress, Hillary wasn’t able to scrub her hard-drive clean.

8. 47-year-old Kelly Gissendaner, who was on death row for murder, was executed last night in Georgia despite receiving a last-minute letter from the Pope. Unfortunately for Gissendaner, the letter read “Say hey to Jesus for me.”

9. On Tuesday, Lady Gaga was named woman of the year by Billboard magazine. Luckily for Taylor Swift, a lot of very passive aggressive words rhyme with ‘billboard.’

10. Presidential hopeful Jeb Bush is set to introduce a healthcare plan to replace Obamacare that is being called Bushcare. And if the plan is as creative as the name, get ready to be very underwhelmed.

September 29, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

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1. The start of Sunday’s NFL game between the St. Louis Rams and the Pittsburgh Steelers was delayed a half-hour after the pyrotechnics used during pre-game introductions resulted in a fire on the field. Which means the fans who watched the Chicago Bears play weren’t the only ones to see a hot mess on the field that day.

2. A Florida man allegedly stole 4 million pounds, roughly $540,000 worth of oranges. If convicted, the man could serve up to ten years in prison where he will learn a new meaning for the phrase, “freshly squeezed.”

3. MMA fighter Bryeanne Russillo said she is being forced to fight in a higher weight class because her breasts are too big and weigh too much. Boxing experts are calling the most ingenious fight promotion ever.

4. Scientists in the U.K. have started experimenting with a new stem-cell treatment that they hope will be a cure for blindness. But, to guard against getting any potential patients’ hopes too high, they have only been reporting their results via written studies.

5. The leading Mixed Martial Arts promotion company on Monday filed a federal lawsuit against New York challenging the state’s ban on staging MMA events. The lawsuit is just one page and reads: Do you wanna take this outside, pussy?

6. The head of the World Squash Federation said he was devastated by Tokyo’s decision to not consider the sport for inclusion in the 2020 Summer Olympics. That story again, apparently there are times when the head of the World Squash Federation looks around, takes stock of his life and isn’t devastated.

7. Belgian researchers are examining the excrement of giant pandas to try to understand how they can digest tough bamboo. Said the researchers, “I wish I had gotten better grades in school.”

8. Over the weekend, West Sussex, England hosted the Lawn Mower World Championships. Which is kinda like staging the World Tea Drinking Championships in Mexico.

9. Peter Robbins, the now-59-year-old man who voiced Charlie Brown as a child actor, was charged on Friday with threatening a judge, a witness and a San Diego County sheriff at a court hearing. Said Robbins, “While I’m at it, Lucy was a bitch.”

10. On Sunday, an Australian government spokesman said the country intends to refuse a visa for R&B singer Chris Brown. And, in unrelated news, Australia now has two black eyes.

September 28, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

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1. On Thursday night, a woman gave birth to a baby girl at Petco Field in San Diego during a Padres baseball game. Giving a new, graphic meaning to the phrase “seventh inning stretch.”

2. Donald Trump drew boos from religious conservatives Friday after he called Marco Rubio a “clown.” Which seems like a pretty big political misstep by Trump, since, before that comment, I’m pretty sure he had the clown vote locked-up.

3. Republican presidential hopeful Ted Cruz suggested Friday that the U.S. might have to kill the Iranian ayatollah if the country tries to acquire a nuclear weapon. Although, when that time comes, if Cruz is in a position of power to make that decision, I think I’ll be in favor of a nuclear war anyway.

4. Health officials in Kansas City, Missouri are urging resident to take preventative measures after a big spike in cases of infectious diarrhea. “Well, that explains the smell,” said St. Louis.

5. Last week, Speaker of the House John Boehner abruptly announced that he will be leaving Congress at the end of October. The timing of his resignation will allow Boehner to seamlessly transition to his next job as a Halloween jack-o-latern.

6. On Friday, raucous cheers broke out at the right-wing Values Voter Summit in Washington D.C. when it was announced that Speaker of the House John Boehner will be stepping down from his post. Which means Bobby Jindal still has one chance to get a room full of conservatives to cheer for something that he did.

7. China’s President Xi Jinping told the U.N. on Sunday that all Chinese women have the opportunity to excel. Which I’m pretty sure is the same thing they told the contestants at the beginning of the Hunger Games.

8. According to a new study, men who perceive themselves to be less masculine according to traditional gender norms of society, and are feeling stressed about it, may be more prone to violent behavior. “That’s one route,” said Caitlyn Jenner.

9. A salmonella-tainted salad served at an Arizona prison caused 241 inmates to become ill this month. Although the prisoners said it wasn’t nearly the worst tossed salad they were forced to eat this year.

10. Retired two-time NBA MVP Steve Nash has joined the Golden State Warriors as a player development consultant. “We have two questions,” said the New York Knicks, “what’s a ‘player development consultant’ and what’s an ‘MVP?’”

10 Best Jokes of the Week (as decided by me, I don’t care about your opinion)

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1. Kid’s doll Lammily is coming out with a new line of accessories including a period party package featuring colored pads, a pair of underwear and a pamphlet on menstruation. ‘Well, if I was on the fence before, I’m definitely on the other team now,” said Ken.

2. A 78-year-old shopper at a California Costco said he was punched in the face by another customer after complaining the man was taking too many Nutella waffle samples. Luckily, the injured man got a really great deal on a 5,000 pack of bandaids.

3. According to a new study, women who are obese during pregnancy may die earlier. While men who tell women they look obese during pregnancy will definitely die earlier.

4. A scientist is claiming that sex can be used as a cure for fear of flying. I’m still scared to fly, but now I’m really scared to fly with that scientist.

5. Researchers in Japan have found that several species of apes can remember and recall plot details from movies. But now the primates are just being dicks about it and spoiling movies on purpose.

6. According to a new unauthorized biography, when in college, British Prime Minister David Cameron put his penis in the mouth of a dead pig. And, in related news, Cameron has been elected King of Arkansas.

7. Actor Jack Larson, who portrayed cub reporter Jimmy Olsen on the TV series “Adventures of Superman,” died yesterday as the age of 87. And, in what many are seeing as a sign of disrespect, Superman attended the funeral, but co-worker Clark Kent didn’t even bother to show up.

8. Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders will appear on the cover of this month’s edition of “Time” magazine. Because, much like Bernie, no one can believe “Time” magazine is still around.

9. Doritos announced last week that they will be introducing gay-pride inspired rainbow colored bags of chips. So now we will really see how dedicated Kim Davis is to her cause.

10. An Indiana man has set the Guinness Record for the largest baseball, with a baseball that has received over 25,000 layers of paint and now measures 14 feet across. “I don’t get it, why would you want to make a ball bigger?” said Tom Brady.

September 25, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

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1. On Thursday, Pope Francis told Congress that the United States should reject a “mindset of hostility” towards immigrants. And, keep in mind, the Pope said this after visiting D.C. and New York, he hasn’t even been to the South.

2. According to a new study, children from richer neighborhoods on average are two-thirds of an inch taller than children from poorer areas. Which makes sense since the NBA is filled with Princeton grads who grew up in Connecticut.

3. President Vladimir Putin called Elton John on Thursday to say he would be willing to meet with the British singer to discuss his concerns about gay rights in Russia. A meeting that I am 100% sure Putin will wear a shirt to.

4. 105-year-old Japanese man Hidekichi Miyazaki set a new record this week as the world’s oldest competitive sprinter. The race itself also set the world record for least competitive sprint.

5. Wednesday, President Obama gave Pope Francis a sculpture of a dove composed of pieces of the Statue of Liberty and wood from the White House lawn and a key to the house of the first U.S.-born saint. While Joe Biden gave him a noogie.

6. This week, political pundit Bill O’Reily characterized Donald Trump’s presidential campaign as nothing more than an extension of his reality TV show “The Apprentice.” Although, usually, when you spinoff a show, you don’t center it on the least likable character.

7. A new study shows that people who fidget at their desk are less likely to die early than those who sit still. “Gotta give him a moving target,” said employees of Dick Cheney.

8. Kid’s doll Lammily is coming out with a new line of accessories including a period party package featuring colored pads, a pair of underwear and a pamphlet on menstruation. ‘Well, if I was on the fence before, I’m definitely on the other team now,” said Ken.

9. While in the U.S., Pope Francis flew on American Airlines when traveling between Washington, New York and Philadelphia. Said the Pope, “After that, hell doesn’t seem so bad.”

10. On Thursday, billionaire Donald Trump said, if elected, he would turn down the $400,000 annual salary that accompanies the job. “Would you consider donating that money to a needy cause?” said Rick Perry.

11. According to a new study, teens who spend a lot of time unsupervised by adults have higher odds of smoking and drinking. Although, if you’re mother is Dina Lohan, the opposite is true.

12. A Boston-area amateur golfer was sentenced on Friday to one and half years in prison for engaging in an insider trading scheme where he gave and received tips to with his golfing buddies. It is being called the whitest collar crime.

13. Donald Trump is not happy with the Associated Press photographer who took a picture showing a significant number of empty chairs at a South Carolina event on Wednesday. “Impressive turnout,” said Clint Eastwood.

14. On Thursday, Ivanka Trump announced that she and her husband are expecting their third child. Fourth if you count Donald.

15. As climate change kills off some of their favorite flowers, several bumblebee species have responded to those losses by evolving shorter tongues. And no one is more disappointed by this new development than female bumblebees.

16. Ugrunaaluk kuukpikensis, a newly discovered dinosaur species, was officially named this week. So good luck to whichever Starbucks barista has to take that order.

17. Yesterday, Pope Francis became the first Pope to speak before a joint session of Congress. Because, apparently, fuck the separation of church and state.

September 24, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

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1. A 78-year-old shopper at a California Costco said he was punched in the face by another customer after complaining the man was taking too many Nutella waffle samples. Luckily, the injured man got a really great deal on a 5,000 pack of bandaids.

2. On Wednesday, presidential candidate Donald Trump said he is the rare Republican who could win a sizable portion of the black vote. Because, technically speaking, zero is still a size.

3. According to a new study, women who are obese during pregnancy may die earlier. While men who tell women they look obese during pregnancy will definitely die earlier.

4. Earlier this week, before Republican candidate Scott Walker dropped out of the presidential race, the Wisconsin governor was polling at less than one-half of one percent. Begging the question, who let Scott Walker vote in that poll?

5. A pair of Ohio teens were caught this week using a beer bong to drink full 2-liter bottles of Mountain Dew. Said those teens’ parents, “For the love of god, please think of your health and stick to beer.”

6. A scientist is claiming that sex can be used as a cure for fear of flying. I’m still scared to fly, but now I’m really scared to fly with that scientist.

7. Researchers in Japan have found that several species of apes can remember and recall plot details from movies. But now the primates are just being dicks and spoiling movies on purpose for people.

8. According to a new unauthorized biography, when in college, British Prime Minister David Cameron put his penis in the mouth of a dead pig. “You lost me at the dead part,” said Kermit.

9. Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders will appear on this week’s edition of “Time” magazine. And, in a related story, this week’s edition of “Time” magazine will appear in Hillary Clinton’s shredder.

10. A “Toy Story” fan in England legally changed his name to Buzz Lightyear. And, with a name like that, I don’t think he’ll have much use for his Woody.

September 23, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Monday night, late night host Jimmy Kimmel welcomed guests Bill O’Reilly and Kermit the Frog on his show. One of his guests was a puppet who only does and says what he’s told to and the other was Kermit the Frog.

2. On Tuesday, presidential candidate Hillary Clinton said she opposes the controversial Keystone XL pipeline. This is sharp departure from her husband Bill Clinton’s policy of always being in favor of “laying some pipe.”

3. Ryan Reynolds says he is devastated to learn that a trusted lifelong friend was trying to sell a photo of the actor’s newborn daughter to the tabloids. But, if it’s anything like every other Ryan Reynolds picture, I’m guessing no one’s gonna wanna see it anyway.

4. Kim Davis, the Kentucky county clerk who’s refused to issue marriage licenses to same-sex couples, says she’s been called Hitler. But, in her defense, Hitler had a much less pronounced mustache.

5. Today is Yom Kippur, the Jewish day of atonement. And, in the spirit of the holiday, I’d like to ask for forgiveness from Chris Christie, Kim Kardashian, Donald Trump, Paris Hilton, Joe Biden, Justin Bieber, Chris Christie, Kei$ha, Kanye West, North West, Adam West, Larry King, the entire state of New Jersey, Sarah Palin and, for good measure, Chris Christie.

6. According to a new study, people who perceive themselves to be overweight are at a greater risk of gaining weight. Said fat people, “It’s a vicious circle, a vicious, delicious, glazed circle. We should get donuts.”

7. An oak tree that stood for 200 years on the childhood home of Helen Keller in Alabama was cut down on Tuesday. And, if Keller were alive today, I’d like to think she’d say, “We had a tree!?! Is that what I kept bumping into?”

8. A scientist is claiming that sex can be used as a cure for fear of flying. Unless the participants have the window and aisle seats and you’re stuck in the middle.

9. Today Pope Francis will visit the White House. “He may wanna sprinkle some extra holy water underneath the Oval Office desk,” said Bill Clinton.

10. Researchers in Japan have found that several species of apes can remember and recall plot details from movies. And, from the looks of movies like “Pixels” and “Mordecia,” able to write a few as well.

September 22, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

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1. According to a new unauthorized biography, when in college, British Prime Minister David Cameron put his penis in the mouth of a dead pig. And, in related news, Cameron has been elected King of Arkansas.

2. On Monday, Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker dropped out of the GOP presidential race. But, if you had your heart set on voting for an uncharismatic, borderline-creepy white guy, may I introduce you to Ted Cruz.

3. The former owner of a peanut company in Georgia was sentenced to 28 years in prison for his role in a salmonella outbreak that killed nine people and sickened hundreds. And, in related news, the CEO of Taco Bell has fled the country.

4. The Pentagon denied on Monday that the U.S. military has a policy directing forcew to ignore the sexual abuse of minors by Afghan officials. Which means, somewhere in a federal prison, Jared Fogle just crossed-off ‘run for office in Afghanistan’ from his bucket list.

5. A Texas man accused of operating a Ponzi scheme involving bitcoin pleaded guilty on Monday. The man bilked investors out of $4.5 million or nothing.

6. According to a new study, poor ‘executive functioning’ in girls at age ten may be linked to weight gain later in life. If that’s true, considering her record at HP, you’d think Carly Fiorina would be much fatter.

7. Actor Jack Larson, who portrayed cub reporter Jimmy Olsen on the TV series “Adventures of Superman,” died yesterday as the age of 87. And, in what many are seeing as a sign of disrespect, Superman attended the funeral, but co-worker Clark Kent didn’t even bother to show up.

8. New research shows, girls who hit puberty earlier are at higher risks for abusing alcohol as teens. You hear that, teenage boys, the girl with the boobs likes to drink too!

9. According to a new survey, the most commonly eaten fruit amongst U.S. children are apples. But that’s only because sometimes they accidentally eat a bite or two of the apple in order to get all the caramel off.

10. Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders will appear on this week’s edition of “Time” magazine. Or, as “Time” magazine subscribers refer to Sanders, that young whipper-snapper.

September 21, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders will appear on the cover of this month’s edition of “Time” magazine. Because, much like Bernie, no one can believe “Time” magazine is still around.

2. Doritos announced last week that they will be introducing gay-pride inspired rainbow colored bags of chips. So now we will really see how dedicated Kim Davis is to her cause.

3. According to a new poll, Donald Trump is still the front-runner amongst the field of Republican presidential candidates, but his support has fallen from 32 to 24 percent. Luckily Trump is used to that kind of drop-off since its the usual age difference when he exchanges wives.

4. An Indiana man has set the Guinness Record for the largest baseball, with a baseball that has received over 25,000 layers of paint and now measures 14 feet across. “I don’t get it, why would you want to make a ball bigger?” said Tom Brady.

5. A group of prominent Democratic Party fundraisers on Friday began circulating a letter to encourage a hesitant Vice President Joe Biden to enter the 2016 presidential race. And, to make sure it catches his attention, the letter included many colorful pictures.

6. On Sunday’s “Meet the Press,” Republican presidential hopeful Ben Carson said Muslims are unfit to be president of the United States. Thus beginning Carson’s smear campaign to convince the American public that that thing on Trump’s head is actually a turban.

7. On Sunday, Alexis Tsipras, was decisively re-elected as Greece’s Prime Minister. And, with a strong mandate like that, some time in the future, Tsipras’s face may appear on an absolutely worthless piece of Greek currency.

8. On Saturday, the St. Louis Cardinals became the first baseball team to clinch a birth in this year’s playoffs. “Wow, it’s still baseball season?” said the Philadelphia Phillies.

9. Actor Johnny Depp’s movie “Black Mass” came in second in this weekend’s box office. A Johnny Depp film placing second in the weekend box office can only mean one thing, there were only two movies out this weekend.

10. A woman in Australia used a hair straightener to burn her cheating boyfriend’s penis. But, on the plus-side, he no longer ‘leans to the left.’

10 Best Jokes of the Week (as decided by me, I don’t care about your opinion)

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1. Matt Damon has apologized after sparking an uproar in the season premiere of HBO’s “Project Greenlight,” which he produces with Ben Affleck, by explaining diversity in film to a black woman producer. But, in Damon’s defense, some of his best friend’s ancestors owned black people.

2. On Tuesday, to promote his new car show on CNBC, Jay Leno posed as an Uber driver and drove unsuspecting customers around L.A. Every ride ended with Jay taking the passengers to their destination, staying way too long and then refusing to leave.

3. New York Giants defensive end Jason Pierre Paul’s football career may be over after reports surfaced that he may be missing more fingers than initially suspected from his July 4th fireworks accident. Even worse, Paul’s back-up career plan of becoming a proctologist is also over.

4, Yesterday, a federal judge ruled that rapper Rick Ross cannot copyright the phrase “Everyday I’m hustlin’” because, according to recent pictures of the 300-plus pound rapper, he’s not.

5. On Tuesday, Amazon founder Jeff Bezos unveiled plans to build a rocket manufacturing plant and launch site in Florida. Because there’s no better motivation to make it to outer space than when the remaining option is staying in Florida.

6. Yesterday, Dreamworks announced that singer Justin Timberlake will star in its upcoming animated film “Trolls,” about the spiky-haired Danish dolls. “Well, my agent’s fired,” said Carrot Top.

7. Target said on Tuesday it has partnered with Instacart to deliver groceries over the internet for as little as $3.99 per order. Bringing Target even closer to its goal of not having to interact face-to-face with people who shop at Target.

8. Yesterday, it was announced that Arnold Schwarzenegger will be the new host of NBC’s “Celebrity Apprentice.” But, if Arnold plans to keep the tradition that Donald Trump established of firing contestants at the boardroom table surrounded by his children, they’re gonna need a bigger table.

9. It was reported on Monday, that Vice President Joe Biden held a secret meeting with Robert Wolf, a major fundraiser for President Obama and a current Hillary Clinton supporter. Holding secret meetings behind Hillary’s back, that sounds presidential to me, particularly one specific president.

10. Recently, presidential candidate Donald Trump told reporters that “we will have so much winning if I’m elected you may get bored of winning.” Proving that Trump doesn’t know how to properly pronounce the word ‘whining.’