September 23, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Monday night, late night host Jimmy Kimmel welcomed guests Bill O’Reilly and Kermit the Frog on his show. One of his guests was a puppet who only does and says what he’s told to and the other was Kermit the Frog.

2. On Tuesday, presidential candidate Hillary Clinton said she opposes the controversial Keystone XL pipeline. This is sharp departure from her husband Bill Clinton’s policy of always being in favor of “laying some pipe.”

3. Ryan Reynolds says he is devastated to learn that a trusted lifelong friend was trying to sell a photo of the actor’s newborn daughter to the tabloids. But, if it’s anything like every other Ryan Reynolds picture, I’m guessing no one’s gonna wanna see it anyway.

4. Kim Davis, the Kentucky county clerk who’s refused to issue marriage licenses to same-sex couples, says she’s been called Hitler. But, in her defense, Hitler had a much less pronounced mustache.

5. Today is Yom Kippur, the Jewish day of atonement. And, in the spirit of the holiday, I’d like to ask for forgiveness from Chris Christie, Kim Kardashian, Donald Trump, Paris Hilton, Joe Biden, Justin Bieber, Chris Christie, Kei$ha, Kanye West, North West, Adam West, Larry King, the entire state of New Jersey, Sarah Palin and, for good measure, Chris Christie.

6. According to a new study, people who perceive themselves to be overweight are at a greater risk of gaining weight. Said fat people, “It’s a vicious circle, a vicious, delicious, glazed circle. We should get donuts.”

7. An oak tree that stood for 200 years on the childhood home of Helen Keller in Alabama was cut down on Tuesday. And, if Keller were alive today, I’d like to think she’d say, “We had a tree!?! Is that what I kept bumping into?”

8. A scientist is claiming that sex can be used as a cure for fear of flying. Unless the participants have the window and aisle seats and you’re stuck in the middle.

9. Today Pope Francis will visit the White House. “He may wanna sprinkle some extra holy water underneath the Oval Office desk,” said Bill Clinton.

10. Researchers in Japan have found that several species of apes can remember and recall plot details from movies. And, from the looks of movies like “Pixels” and “Mordecia,” able to write a few as well.

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