September 22, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to a new unauthorized biography, when in college, British Prime Minister David Cameron put his penis in the mouth of a dead pig. And, in related news, Cameron has been elected King of Arkansas.

2. On Monday, Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker dropped out of the GOP presidential race. But, if you had your heart set on voting for an uncharismatic, borderline-creepy white guy, may I introduce you to Ted Cruz.

3. The former owner of a peanut company in Georgia was sentenced to 28 years in prison for his role in a salmonella outbreak that killed nine people and sickened hundreds. And, in related news, the CEO of Taco Bell has fled the country.

4. The Pentagon denied on Monday that the U.S. military has a policy directing forcew to ignore the sexual abuse of minors by Afghan officials. Which means, somewhere in a federal prison, Jared Fogle just crossed-off ‘run for office in Afghanistan’ from his bucket list.

5. A Texas man accused of operating a Ponzi scheme involving bitcoin pleaded guilty on Monday. The man bilked investors out of $4.5 million or nothing.

6. According to a new study, poor ‘executive functioning’ in girls at age ten may be linked to weight gain later in life. If that’s true, considering her record at HP, you’d think Carly Fiorina would be much fatter.

7. Actor Jack Larson, who portrayed cub reporter Jimmy Olsen on the TV series “Adventures of Superman,” died yesterday as the age of 87. And, in what many are seeing as a sign of disrespect, Superman attended the funeral, but co-worker Clark Kent didn’t even bother to show up.

8. New research shows, girls who hit puberty earlier are at higher risks for abusing alcohol as teens. You hear that, teenage boys, the girl with the boobs likes to drink too!

9. According to a new survey, the most commonly eaten fruit amongst U.S. children are apples. But that’s only because sometimes they accidentally eat a bite or two of the apple in order to get all the caramel off.

10. Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders will appear on this week’s edition of “Time” magazine. Or, as “Time” magazine subscribers refer to Sanders, that young whipper-snapper.

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