December 23, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. Hundreds of crazed Ryan Reynolds fans in South America pushed through a barricade to get to actor. That story again, apparently the movie ‘Green Lantern’ was never released in South America. 

2. Dozens of Indonesians took part in a shouting competition in the capital Jakarta last week. So hopefully all those long nights of practice paid off, couple who live in the apartment next to me. 

3. Police say a man crammed thirty bags of frozen shrimp down his pants in burglaries at multiple California grocery stores. Shouted the man as they put him in the police car, “Tell everyone that they were jumbo shrimp!” 

4. Last week it was announced that guitarist John Frusciante is rejoining the Red Hot Chili Peppers, a few years after he left the band. Turns out he wasn’t a great fit at his office job:

 5. In an apparent effort to escalate their feud, rapper Nick Cannon claimed last week that there is a video of Eminem ‘sucking a cock.’ Even more embarrassing, there are multiple videos of Nick Cannon sucking at rap.

6. According to a new study, athletes have healthier brains and, as a result, can hear better. “What did you say?” said every member of the Knicks.

7. Last week, Merriam-Webster’s dictionary named ‘they’ as their word of the year. Because apparently ‘Baby Yoda’ is two words.

8. Last week, Merriam-Webster’s dictionary named ‘they’ as their word of the year. Further proof that this year has really fucking sucked.

9. The Justice Department recently announced that it will review plans by Google to buy fitness tracker Fitbit. Said the DOJ to Google, “Are you really going to use it? Or is just gonna end up in a drawer somewhere?”

10. According to reports, President Trump is likely to nominate Hudson Institute CEO Kenneth Weinstein as his new ambassador to Japan. The ambassador said he is honored to have the position and will do his best not to ruin the good ‘Weinstein’ name.

11. Over the weekend, the U.S. golf team, led by Tiger Woods, won the Presidents Cup. Although anyone with $1.99 to spare, can get the same cup as the President:

12. On Tuesday, Joe Biden’s doc said the former Vice President is healthy enough to undertake the duties of the presidency. Actually, his exact words were, “Well if that guy can do it”:

13. President Trump on Tuesday issued a stark warning to congressional Democrats, saying that if they pursue impeachment against him they will be “declaring war on American democracy.” Said Nancy Pelosi:

14. Artist Simone Fugazzotto defended on Tuesday a widely criticized anti-racism campaign launched by Italy’s Serie A soccer league which features his paintings of apes. Said the artist, “What does ‘anti’ mean?”

15. A duck in the U.K. had to have its penis removed recently after it began attempting to mate with females up to ten times per day. And, just like that, I believe in reincarnation:

16. According to the Center for Disease Control, puppies purchased from pet stores have been linked to bacterial infection outbreak in over thirty states. “So, you’re welcome?” said Michael Vick.

17. Thousands of Liberian immigrants will be eligible to apply for green cards and eventual U.S. citizenship under the terms of a defense spending bill passed by the Senate on Tuesday. Or at least until President Trump realizes they are talking about African immigrants and not librarians.

18. During a rally theis past week, President Trump joked that former Congressman John Dingell, who died in February, might be in hell. “You don’t have to die to find yourself in hell,” said Melania.

June 29, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Last week, President Obama designated the Stonewall Inn in New York City as the country’s first national LGBT monument. Making it the eleventh national monument that J. Edgar Hoover wore a dress in.

2. Apartment-sharing startup Airbnb is in talks for a new round of funding that would value the company at $30 billion. “I wish I was able to monetize people waking up in strangers’ beds,” said Bill Cosby.

3. Former rap producer Suge Knight sued singer Chris Brown on Monday in connection with a shooting at a Hollywood nightclub in 2014 that left him wounded. Although, that doesn’t sound like the work of Brown considering Knight is a guy.

4. When asked by an Irish minister if she was well, 90-year-old Queen Elizabeth replied, “Well, I’m still alive. “Well, tomorrow’s another day,” said Prince Charles.

5. On Tuesday, the Columbus International Airport was officially named after astronaut John Glenn. Not surprising that they named the airport after an astronaut, because when you find yourself in Columbus, your instinct is to get as far away as humanly possible.

6. Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau will appear as a hero in an upcoming Marvel comic book. Because, apparently, Marvel didn’t learn its lesson regarding Canadians playing superheroes after Ryan Reynolds’ turn “Green Lantern.”

7. According to reports, Tetris, the 1980s video game about stacking blocks, is being made into not one, but three films. Apparently, justing making one film left too many open questions, like “Why did you make this?” and “How did this happen?”

8. According to reports, Tetris, the 1980s video game about stacking blocks, is being made into not one, but three films. The news was met with many angry birds:
middle finger

9. An artist in Arkansas is selling a life-sized dummy of presidential candidate Donald Trump for $895. The doll has a feathered wig and an orange-painted face, in other words, it’s extremely lifelike.

10. According to the Washington Post, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump has only donated $10,000 to charity in the past ten years. Although, to be fair, giving jobs to Gary Busey and Dennis Rodman should count as charity.

April 13, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. BuzzFeed fell a stunning $80 million short of projected revenues last year and has reportedly slashed its projections for 2016 in half. Which explains the article featured on their homepage today entitled “10 BuzzFeed employees that need to start looking for a new job.”

2. Tulane University’s Kappa Alpha fraternity has built a sandbag wall around it’s house with the words “Make America Great Again” and “Trump” spray-painted on it. So, I think for once, I’ll be rooting for the hurricane.

3. In a recent interview, actress Scarlett Johansson hinted that her marriage to fellow actor Ryan Reynolds ended because they were too competitive. Scarlett, I saw “The Green Lantern,” you won.

4. Authorities are offering a reward of up to $25,000 for information leading to the recovery of Andy Warhol paintings stolen from a Missouri museum last week. There were two witnesses, unfortunately they aren’t talking:
american gothic

5. CBS and Turner Broadcasting have signed an $8.8 billion, eight-year extension of their agreement to broadcast the NCAA’s Division 1 Men’s Basketball Championship. I know that seems like a lot but you have to remember that figure is before the college athletes take their $0 cut.

6. A New York playwright filed a lawsuit on Monday claiming $20 million in damages and seeking to block Friday’s opening in movie theaters of “Barbershop: The Next Cut,” that he claims rips off his stage play “Scissors.” And the playwright might have a point because his play sucks too.

7. According to an official consultation, the U.K. government is concerned that increasing numbers of young people are trying anal sex. “I don’t care how many people are trying it, the answer is still no,” said the government’s girlfriend.

8. A 52-year-old Canadian man who is married, with seven kids, has left his family to live his life as a transgender six-year-old girl. His wife broke the news gently to their children saying, “Kids, you’re father’s died.”

9. This week, 90-year-old Elena Griffing celebrated her 70th year working for the same San Francisco Bay Area hospital and said she has no plans of retiring anytime soon. Those that know her call her “an inspiration” while Prince Charles calls her “a selfish old bitch.”

10. Italian cyclist Mattia Gavazzi could face a lifetime ban after he tested positive for cocaine for the third time in his career. Officials became suspicious that Gavazzi could be using again when he won a race and he wasn’t on a bike.

September 23, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Monday night, late night host Jimmy Kimmel welcomed guests Bill O’Reilly and Kermit the Frog on his show. One of his guests was a puppet who only does and says what he’s told to and the other was Kermit the Frog.

2. On Tuesday, presidential candidate Hillary Clinton said she opposes the controversial Keystone XL pipeline. This is sharp departure from her husband Bill Clinton’s policy of always being in favor of “laying some pipe.”

3. Ryan Reynolds says he is devastated to learn that a trusted lifelong friend was trying to sell a photo of the actor’s newborn daughter to the tabloids. But, if it’s anything like every other Ryan Reynolds picture, I’m guessing no one’s gonna wanna see it anyway.

4. Kim Davis, the Kentucky county clerk who’s refused to issue marriage licenses to same-sex couples, says she’s been called Hitler. But, in her defense, Hitler had a much less pronounced mustache.

5. Today is Yom Kippur, the Jewish day of atonement. And, in the spirit of the holiday, I’d like to ask for forgiveness from Chris Christie, Kim Kardashian, Donald Trump, Paris Hilton, Joe Biden, Justin Bieber, Chris Christie, Kei$ha, Kanye West, North West, Adam West, Larry King, the entire state of New Jersey, Sarah Palin and, for good measure, Chris Christie.

6. According to a new study, people who perceive themselves to be overweight are at a greater risk of gaining weight. Said fat people, “It’s a vicious circle, a vicious, delicious, glazed circle. We should get donuts.”

7. An oak tree that stood for 200 years on the childhood home of Helen Keller in Alabama was cut down on Tuesday. And, if Keller were alive today, I’d like to think she’d say, “We had a tree!?! Is that what I kept bumping into?”

8. A scientist is claiming that sex can be used as a cure for fear of flying. Unless the participants have the window and aisle seats and you’re stuck in the middle.

9. Today Pope Francis will visit the White House. “He may wanna sprinkle some extra holy water underneath the Oval Office desk,” said Bill Clinton.

10. Researchers in Japan have found that several species of apes can remember and recall plot details from movies. And, from the looks of movies like “Pixels” and “Mordecia,” able to write a few as well.