Tag Archives: Halloween

November 4, 2019 – Monologues Jokes

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1. The makers of the board game Clue have announced that the game’s next edition will be the first to feature a bathroom as a possible crime scene. As in, “Professor Plum, in the bathroom, one hour after eating Chipotle.” 

2. On Wednesday, President Trump and First Lady Melania Trump hosted trick-or-treaters at the White House and gave out full-sized Hershey bars. Or, at least, they looked full-size in Trump’s hands: 

3. According to a new study, construction workers are more likely to use cocaine than other profession. But I assume that’s because no one considers being a DJ a profession. 

4. Thursday night, President Trump said he is changing his primary residence from New York to Florida. He also added, “Please don’t tell Eric.”

5. Washington Redskins Pro Bowl tackle Trent Williams says he no longer trusts the organization after team doctors failed to detect a cancerous growth on his scalp. Wow, that’s terrible, I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy, having to play for the Redskins. 

6. Tiger Woods matched Sam Snead’s record of 82 PGA Tour victories when he won a golf tournament in Japan last week. The last time Tiger finished first in Asia, Asia had just gotten off her shift at the Waffle House. 

7. In a recent interview, singer Marie Osmond, of Donnie & Marie fame, admitted that when she was younger she thought she was gay. The biggest warning sign, she liked Donnie & Marie. 

8. Singer Lady Gaga recently tweeted “Fame is Prison.” “I’ll let you know if that’s an accurate comparison in a couple of weeks,” said Aunt Becky. 

9. Republican Senator Mitt Romney recently admitted to running a secret Twitter account under the alias ‘Pierre Delecto.’ And you gotta give it to him, it’s not easy to come up with a name stupider than Mitt Romney.

10. Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders recently held a campaign rally in Queens that attracted more than 26,000 supporters. “We didn’t even realize 26,000 people lived in Queens,” said the Mets.

11. According to a new study, men who eat a heart-healthy diet may have better quality sperm than their peers who dine mostly on junk food. Yeah, no shit:

12. Last week, President Trump downplayed the possibility of throwing out the first pitch of a World Series game by saying, “They gotta dress me up in a lot of heavy armor. I’ll look too heavy. I don’t like that.” Begging the question, is he always wearing body armor?

13. According to a new report, doctors should always ask for a child’s consent before treating them. “But that just applies to doctors, right?” asked Jerry Sandusky.

14. The whistleblower whose complaint led to the impeachment inquiry against President Trump has offered to answer written questions from Republicans on the House Intelligence Committee. Questions like “How did you stand up to Trump?” and “What’s it like to have a backbone?”

15. In a recent interview, Kanye West said God rewarded him with a $68 million tax refund because he became a born-again Christian. “Yes, it’s definitely Jesus’s doing,” said his undoubtedly Jewish accountant.

16. In his new book, Donald Trump Jr. said his father, President Trump, can’t be racist because, as a kid, he was allowed to play video games with Michael Jackson. Or maybe, just maybe, your father hates spending time with you more than he hates black people.

17. This week, Charmin set up a new toilet paper-dispensing kiosk in an outdoor Manhattan park. Hey, Charmin, I beg of you, stop making it easier for New Yorkers to shit in public.

18. Last week Donald Trump Jr. participated in a ribbon-cutting ceremony for a new plaza in Arizona which was named in his honor. Said the people of Arizona, “President Trump has never been more relatable now that we too have disappointingly named something Donald Trump Jr.”

November 3, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

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1. According to a new study, 16% of Americans believe that Bigfoot is real. “I’ve seen it,” said the woman who waxes the Kardashians.

2. Due to thawing relations between the Cuba and the U.S., Cubans were able to watch the World Series twenty-four hours after the live event. That story again, residents of Cuba now have Time Warner cable.

3. NBC News and MSNBC joined Showtime, Penguin Press and HBO in severing ties with political journalist Mark Halperin, who is accused of sexually harassing several female colleagues. But, on the plus-side, he’s now over-qualified to run Fox News.

4. Paul Manafort, the indicted former campaign manager for President Donald Trump, spent almost $1 million on eight rugs in two years. But, in his defense, he was in charge of the Trump campaign and, at a certain point, dry cleaning doesn’t work anymore:

5. The White House released the official portraits of President Trump and Vice President Pence on Tuesday. Begging the question, how can you tell the difference between Mike Pence and a portrait of Mike Pence?

6. Ford has built a robotic butt that tests the durability of the seats it puts in its vehicles. Those who have seen it said it resembles a Kardashian, except for the fact that the robotic butt has a job.

7. After Hillary Clinton joked this week that she was considering dressing up as president for Halloween, Donald Trump Jr. tweeted “That’s cute. She can borrow my Donald Trump mask.” But if he loans out his mask, what will his wife wear during sex so he can achieve orgasm?

8. On Wednesday, the CIA released Osama bin Laden’s personal diary. Turns out bin Laden believed in two things, that Allah is great and that Becky is a complete bitch.

9. Senate Republican leader Mitch McConnell said on Tuesday lawmakers and the Trump administration were “on a path” toward reaching a deal on a bill that would keep the government funded beyond December 8th. They’re gonna sell steaks!:

10. According to sources, President Trump has made it clear to the State Department that he wants to accelerate the release of any remaining Hillary Clinton emails. Of course, the best way to secure the fastest release of emails from Hillary is to mark them ‘Confidential.’

11. According to a new report, modernizing and maintaining the U.S. nuclear arsenal over the next 30 years will cost more than $1.2 trillion. Said President Trump, “I plan on keeping costs down by getting ride of a few”:

12. This week the CEO of Papa John’s said the NFL protests are hurting their sales. Or maybe, just maybe, the public isn’t buying your pizza because they’ve tasted it.

13. A defector from North Korea told U.S. lawmakers on Wednesday that disseminating information in the reclusive country would be more effective than the billions of dollars being spent to address the military threat.”Disseminating information in a foreign country you say,” said President Trump, “luckily I know a guy who has a lot of experience”:

14. On Wednesday, White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders confirmed that no one in the Trump administration supports slavery. Which is a pretty callous way to tell Jeff Sessions he’s been fired.

15. President Trump reportedly wants to name the Republican tax bill the “Cut Cut Cut” bill. Which I assume will be spelt with K’s and shortened to be more accurate to this administration.

16. The Senate heard testimony this week from President Trump’s pick to be the new head of NASA, Jim Bridenstine, who does not have a background in science. But, in Trump’s defense, Bridenstine wasn’t his first pick, but he had settle after he was informed that Buzz Lightyear isn’t a real person.

17. This week, during a Halloween party event at the White House, First Lady Melania Trump met a little girl dressed up as her. So that makes it two weeks in a row now for Melania:

18. According to a new study, only 4.8% of television writers are black. “We didn’t even know that was allowed,” said the writers for ‘Frasier.’

19. Saudi Arabia will for the first time allow women to attend sporting events. They’re even allowing them to paint their faces to show support for their team, here are a couple of sports fanatics now:

20. The Justice Department has gathered enough evidence to charge six members of the Russian government in the hacking of Democratic National Committee computers before the 2016 presidential election. Good lord, haven’t enough members of the Trump administration been charged this week?

November 14, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

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1. According to reports, President-elect Donald Trump is considering his son Donald Trump Jr. for a cabinet position. Begging the question, is Don Jr. more Uday or Qusay?

2. The Trump Organization said on Friday it was vetting new business structures aimed at transferring management control to three of President-elect Donald Trump’s children. “Which three?” said a hopeful Tiffany.

3. Tens of thousands of people have signed up to participate in a “Women’s March on Washington” to take place on the day after President-elect Donald Trump is inaugurated. Which explains President Trump’s agenda for his first day in office:agenda

4. Some Browns fans are planning a parade in Cleveland if the team goes a ‘perfect’ 0-16 this season. That’s crazy, there are still people who identify themselves as Browns fans?

5. Actor Alec Baldwin said he will not continue to play the character of Donald Trump on Saturday Night Live. No word on whether the real Donald Trump will continue to write material for the character.

6. Over the weekend, Oprah Winfrey said she believes that Donald Trump has been humbled by his election victory. But, what I think she meant to say was, ”You get a czar! And you get a czar!”

7. Newsweek magazine was forced to recall 125,000 commemorative issues featuring Hillary Clinton on the cover with the headline “Madam President.” No word on what “High Times” magazine plans to do:high-times

8. According to reports, President-elect Donald Trump is considering Sarah Palin for the position of Secretary of the Interior in his cabinet. You’d think, due to her previous comments, Trump would make her ambassador to Russia, but, so far, Trump’s been doing a good job of filling that role himself.

9. A man in Alabama bought a billboard that features his sex offender neighbor’s mugshot in an effort to get him to move. But, on the plus side, it let the neighborhood kids know which house had the best candy on Halloween.

10. Formula One driver Lewis Hamilton had his pet bulldog Roscoe’s sperm frozen to ensure he can have puppies in future. So, if you’re over at Hamilton’s house, hungry and searching through his freezer, you better make damn sure that’s a pint of vanilla ice cream.

November 8, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Today is election day here in the United States. And, if you weren’t aware that there was an election today, please, I beg of you, tell me how you were able to do that.
 
2. Today is election day here in the United States. And, I’m torn because as a joke writer I hope Trump wins, as a feminist I hope Hillary wins and as a sane, rational person I hope this was all some type of terrible fever dream.
 
3. In response to a recent Hillary Clinton rally, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump said he gets “bigger crowds” than Beyonce and Jay-Z. Said nervous Trump handlers, “He said ‘bigger’ right?”

4. According to reports, North Korean leader Kim Jong Un plans to launch a nuclear missile on the day of the U.S. presidential election to mock the new leader. “Yeah, he’ll do shit like that. Well here are the keys, don’t call me,” said Obama.
 
5. Earlier this week, Shane Kimbrough, a NASA astronaut currently living on board the International Space Station, filled out his ballot for today’s presidential election. “We might be joining you soon,” said half the country.

6. Yesterday, in Florida, a 16-year-old high school student and two-time cancer survivor was sent to detention by his teacher because his cancer “survivor” t-shirt violated the school’s dress code policy. Said the teacher, “I’m also not crazy about that skinhead look either.”

7. Singer Justin Bieber is allowing anyone to spend New Years Eve with him for $500,000. Which is a terrible deal because it costs $0 not to.

8. A high school basketball coach in Minnesota was fired after allegedly taping his players in the locker room showers. No wonder the team never got better despite the fact the coach was always busy watching “game tape.”

9. A South Florida man was arrested on Halloween after he was observed driving naked through a neighborhood with electrical wires protruding from his penis. But, in his defense, this was his wife’s costume:
outlet

10. Disgraced former-Congressman Anthony Weiner was spotted riding a horse at the rehab facility he checked into to address his sex addiction last week. “Easy fella,” said the horse to Weiner.

October 20, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Last night Donald Trump refused to give his word that he will accept the results of the upcoming presidential election. “Yeah, he’s not great at taking ‘no’ for an answer,” said eight separate women and a ‘People’ magazine reporter.

2. During last night’s presidential debate, Donald Trump said he was pro-life and against “ripping babies from the womb.” Well, there goes at least one excuse Trump could have given as to why he’s been grabbing women by the genitals.

3. During last night’s presidential debate, Hillary Clinton called Donald Trump a puppet of the Russian government. I don’t know if that’s true, but if it is, I’d guess he’s this puppet:
oscar

4. According to reports, Donald Trump and campaign advisor Roger Ailes are no longer on speaking terms, but the reason why remains unclear. Although, if I had to guess, I would say they couldn’t agree on who gets first dibs on groping female staffers.

5. Yesterday, a jury in Los Angeles found New York Knicks point guard Derrick Rose not guilty on accusations of rape. Proving right all those sports experts who said, coming out of college, Rose would be the next Kobe.

6. For the first time in decades, kids’ superhero costumes are outselling kids’ princess costumes for Halloween. “Superman, Batman, Spiderman. I can’t wait to collect them all,” said Jerry Sandusky.
 
7. According to a growing body of evidence, exercise could improve erectile dysfunction. And, if that’s the case, please wipe off your machine.

8. During Wednesday night’s presidential debate, Donald Trump proclaimed that Vladimir Putin is not his best friend. “Really, then who has the other half of this?” asked a heartbroken Putin:
putin

9. According to a recently released WikiLeak email, Hillary Clinton included Starbucks CEO Howard Shultz on a short-list of potential vice president nominees. But who needs that boost of caffeine when you have the naturally high-energy dynamo that is Tim Kaine.

10. According to a recently released WikiLeak email, Hillary Clinton included Apple CEO Tim Cook and Microsoft founder Bill Gates on a short-list of potential vice president nominees. I guess she settled on the position of VP for the tech giants because the role of email deleter was already filled.

November 13, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

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1. A Secret Service officer assigned to the White House was arrested after he was caught in a sting sending naked pictures of himself to someone he thought was a 14-year-old girl from Delaware. Authorities became suspicious of the officer when he said he was looking forward to taking a trip to Delaware.

2. Donald Trump said Thursday that Ben Carson’s self-described “pathological temper” is incurable and then compared it to the sickness of a “child molester.” Adding, “Why do you think he keeps going door-to-door introducing himself?”

3. Singer Justin Bieber’s new album “Purpose” goes on sale today, which also happens to be Friday the 13th. “I can’t beat that,” said Jason and Freddie.

4. Retailer Bloomingdales has come under fire for a holiday advertisement which seems to encourage people to spike their friend’s eggnog when they’re not looking. So I guess we know where Cosby bought all those sweaters.

5. According to a new study, injuries may be more common in kickboxing than in traditional boxing. Many attribute this to the kicking.

6. According to a new report, At least one in five adult New Yorkers suffer from some sort of mental disorder. Researchers conducted the study by spending ten minutes on the G train.

7. According to a new study, middle aged and older people with type 2 diabetes may be able to meet their daily activity requirements by playing games on the Wii Fit Plus system. But, of course, the always end up playing Candy Crush instead.

8. This week, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie sign a law officially banning beastiality in the state. So now, if you’re ‘sleeping with fishes’ in New Jersey, you better be dead.

9. On Thursday, the White House said that President Obama will meet with the president of Turkey next week. Said Vice President Biden, “But Thanksgiving’s not until the week after.”

10. New research has found that, contrary to popular belief, it could be beneficial for women to eat and drink while in labor. But, to be fair, drinking is probably what got you into this mess to begin with.

11. More than 500 women competed last weekend in Brazil’s annual Miss BumBum Pageant, which crowns the country’s best butt. The show went smoothly except for when the host, wanting the audience to applaud, foolishly asked for them to “make it clap.”

12. Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers was caught smashing a Microsoft Surface tablet on the sideline of his game over the weekend. And somehow that is still the best publicity a Microsoft tablet has ever received.

13. Students at a Colorado high school exchanged naked photos of themselves, prompting a felony investigation by police. I miss the old days, before all this technology, when teachers just slept with the students.

14. Republican presidential candidate Ben Carson’s recollection of being offered a scholarship to the prestigious U.S. Military Academy at West Point has come under question. Said Carson, “That’s not just my recollection, that’s how Brian Williams reported it.”

15. Irish women are tweeting details of their periods to Prime Minister Enda Kenny to help publicize a campaign to repeal restrictive abortion laws. As a result, Throwback Thursdays on Twitter in Ireland have been changed to Throw-up Thursdays.

November 5, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

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1. The presence of Russian submarines near undersea internet cables has U.S. officials concerned that Russia could be planning to sever the lines in periods of conflict. But joke’s on you Russia, I have Timer Warner as my internet provider, so, if you cut the cable, I won’t even notice a difference.

2. Airbnb said on Wednesday it plans to form 100 home-sharing clubs in cities across the U.S. during 2016. The company described the clubs as like a Days Inn but without all the charm.

3. NBCUniversal and Viacom Inc are each opening labs where they will study TV viewers in mock living rooms filled with infrared cameras tracking their biometrics. The cameras are so sensitive they can catch the exact second that a viewer decides to stand up and turn off “Bones.”

4. Donald Trump’s new book “Crippled America: How to Make America Great Again” came out this week. And, in a rare instance of compassion, Trump dedicated the book “To the love of his life, Donald Trump.”

5. This week, Sprint signed the first cellphone roaming deal to serve the island of Cuba. And, if I know Cubans well, they’re really gonna test that roaming feature.

6. Google is working on a new feature called Smart Reply, which will scan the contents of incoming emails and suggest appropriate replies. Which means we are only a couple of months away from your own computer mocking you by suggesting that you order two cases of boner pills.

7. An Oklahoma mayor had to apologize after her husband and three friends dressed up in Ku Klux Klan costumes for Halloween and stood near a wooden cross with torches. Said the mayor, “It could have been a lot worse, luckily I misheard my husband and dressed up as Tigger.”

8. Finland rolled out a set of national emojis featuring a couple in a sauna, an old Nokia phone and a heavy-metal music fan. Not to be outdone, American introduced its own set of national emojis which included images of Uncle Sam, a bald eagle and a teenager not being able to locate Finland on a map.

9. A US-based student has developed an algorithm that helps drones fly through trees at 30 miles per hour without crashing. The way it works is you don’t let Harrison Ford fly the drone.

10. Actor Danny DeVito says he and Arnold Schwarzenegger are keen to reprise their roles as long-lost brothers in a sequel to “Twins,” with Eddie Murphy joining the cast as another sibling. A movie where Schwarzenegger has been hiding a relative for years, it’s literally the role he’s been preparing for his entire life.

November 4, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

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1. An overconfident Mets fan got a tattoo proclaiming his team the 2015 champs before they lost last week to the Royals. But, what better way to remember the Mets’ play in this year’s World Series than by getting a tattoo containing an error.

2. A gay couple in Pennsylvania, who after 40 years of being together adopted one another to legally become father and son, are trying to get the adoption undone so they can be married. “What does one thing have to do with the other?” said Woody Allen.

3. According to a new study, having a facelift may not improve one’s self-esteem. Luckily that’s why God invented boob-jobs.

4. A website in Spain that uses Google translate, mis-translated a vegetable festival as the clitoris festival. Which was bad news for patrons who showed up for the clitoris festival but great news for the guy at the vegetable festival selling cucumbers.

5. A Canadian pharmacy had to apologize this weekend after accidentally handing out bi-polar medication to Halloween trick-or-treaters instead of candy. Luckily, when the pharmacy corrected its mistake and started handing out those large orange circus peanuts, the medication came in handy.

6. A Canadian pharmacy had to apologize this weekend after accidentally handing out bi-polar medication to Halloween trick-or-treaters instead of candy. Said disappointed parents, “Last year they had Vicodin.”

7. Over the weekend, Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders took his three grandchildren trick-or-treating in New Hampshire. His grandkids said they hate trick-or-treating with Grandpa Bernie because he always eats all their Snickers and says he’s just redistributing the candy.

8. Handbags owned by late British prime minister Margaret Thatcher are set to be auctioned off by Christie’s later this year. They expect Thatcher’s purses to sell better than those owned by J. Edgar Hoover.

9 Republican presidential candidate Jeb Bush is reportedly upset that during last week’s presidential debate, CNBC put up a graphic touting his experience as a Lehman Brothers consultant from 2007 to 2008. Bush said he wanted the graphic about his background to read “Only son of former-President George H.W. Bush.”

10. On Monday, Snoopy was given a star on Hollywood’s renowned Walk of Fame. After which Snoopy gave an acceptance speech in which he said, “Fuck Marmaduke.”

October 29, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Oxford University has conducted a study to find out where people are most uncomfortable being touched. Finally answering the age-old question, can you take out a restraining order against entire university.

2. A prominent Chinese economist named Xie Zuoshi is suggesting that, due to China’s shortage of women Chinese, men should share wives. Whereupon Zuoshi was immediately sued by Henny Youngman.

3. On Wednesday, the World Health Organization said that two-thirds of the world’s population under 50 have herpes. So I guess people really are keeping up with the Kardashians.

4. On Tuesday, the Fox telecast of Game One of the World Series in Kansas City was knocked off the air for 20 minutes after a broadcast truck lost power. When power was restored, viewers were angry to see they had missed three mound visits, an umpire replay and two whole pitches.

5. This week, the World Health Organization found a link between eating red meat and cancer. Unsurprisingly, here’s a picture of one of the scientists who conducted the study:
Cow

6. The U.S. Air Force announced on Monday their new model of stealth bombers will cost half a billion dollars each. “In that case, I’ll just take two,” said Floyd Mayweather, Jr.

7. A markswoman has released a video that shows her carving a pumpkin by firing a rifle at it. So let me congratulate in advance the kids brave enough to ring that lady’s doorbell on Halloween.

8. A Canadian restaurant chain is introducing a new half-pound burger featuring a meat patty stuffed with Reese’s peanut butter cups and topped with bacon, crispy onions and more Reese’s cups. In light of the WHO’s recent findings, the idea is to let the diabetes get you before the cancer.

9. On Wednesday, more than 500 people tossed pizza dough simultaneously in Shanghai to break the world record. Although I’m pretty sure two people would have done it.

10. According to reports, Yankee great Derek Jeter is now engaged to his swimsuit model girlfriend Hannah Davis. And, by the way the Worlds Series is going, that might be the only ring a New York baseball player gets this year.

October 19, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Microsoft has created a new chamber that has been certified as the quietest place on Earth. And, to keep it that way, the chamber will be screening a copy of “Mortdecai” on a continuous loop.

2. Democratic presidential candidate Lincoln Chafee said he will remain in the race as long as he is able to raise important issues and tackle difficult questions. Questions like “Who are you?” and “What are you doing here?”

3. U.S. Republican presidential candidate Bobby Jindal raised only $579,438 in the last quarter. So it turns out you can raise $579,438 on pity alone.

4. Last week, General Mills announced a social media contest where ten winners will receive a box of marshmallow-only Lucky Charms. Which explains why the cereal’s new slogan is “They’re always after me diabetes.”

5. Last Wednesday, a Target store in San Jose, California accidentally played the audio to a porn movie over the store’s public address system. That announcement was quickly followed by an apology and another announcement for a clean up in every aisle.

6. Halloween masks of fugitive drug kingpin Joaquin “El Chapo” Guzman are flying off the shelves in Mexico. Dressing up and parading around as a country’s most-wanted fugitive in that country, what could possibly go wrong?

7. Alibaba offered to pay $3.5 billion to become the sole owner of Youku Tudou, which is known as China’s YouTube. Youku Tudou is similar to the regular YouTube except how-to cooking videos and cute dog videos are not separate categories.

8. On Sunday, Zambians took part in a national day of prayer, asking God to help their struggling country. “Yeah, that shit don’t work,” said Michigan fans.

9. According to the latest campaign finance report, Republican Donald Trump spent more money on hats, bumper stickers, yard signs and t-shirts than he did on anything else. Which, in couple of months, will come in handy for some poor kids in Africa who are wearing “2014 Seattle Seahawks Superbowl Champions” shirts.

10. Stephen Ross, owner of the NFL’s Miami Dolphins, launched a nonprofit organization on Friday aimed at combating racism by using sports to promote “understanding, respect and equality.” Ross said he decided to try to end racism because he wanted a task that was not as difficult as making the Dolphins good.