September 25, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Thursday, Pope Francis told Congress that the United States should reject a “mindset of hostility” towards immigrants. And, keep in mind, the Pope said this after visiting D.C. and New York, he hasn’t even been to the South.

2. According to a new study, children from richer neighborhoods on average are two-thirds of an inch taller than children from poorer areas. Which makes sense since the NBA is filled with Princeton grads who grew up in Connecticut.

3. President Vladimir Putin called Elton John on Thursday to say he would be willing to meet with the British singer to discuss his concerns about gay rights in Russia. A meeting that I am 100% sure Putin will wear a shirt to.

4. 105-year-old Japanese man Hidekichi Miyazaki set a new record this week as the world’s oldest competitive sprinter. The race itself also set the world record for least competitive sprint.

5. Wednesday, President Obama gave Pope Francis a sculpture of a dove composed of pieces of the Statue of Liberty and wood from the White House lawn and a key to the house of the first U.S.-born saint. While Joe Biden gave him a noogie.

6. This week, political pundit Bill O’Reily characterized Donald Trump’s presidential campaign as nothing more than an extension of his reality TV show “The Apprentice.” Although, usually, when you spinoff a show, you don’t center it on the least likable character.

7. A new study shows that people who fidget at their desk are less likely to die early than those who sit still. “Gotta give him a moving target,” said employees of Dick Cheney.

8. Kid’s doll Lammily is coming out with a new line of accessories including a period party package featuring colored pads, a pair of underwear and a pamphlet on menstruation. ‘Well, if I was on the fence before, I’m definitely on the other team now,” said Ken.

9. While in the U.S., Pope Francis flew on American Airlines when traveling between Washington, New York and Philadelphia. Said the Pope, “After that, hell doesn’t seem so bad.”

10. On Thursday, billionaire Donald Trump said, if elected, he would turn down the $400,000 annual salary that accompanies the job. “Would you consider donating that money to a needy cause?” said Rick Perry.

11. According to a new study, teens who spend a lot of time unsupervised by adults have higher odds of smoking and drinking. Although, if you’re mother is Dina Lohan, the opposite is true.

12. A Boston-area amateur golfer was sentenced on Friday to one and half years in prison for engaging in an insider trading scheme where he gave and received tips to with his golfing buddies. It is being called the whitest collar crime.

13. Donald Trump is not happy with the Associated Press photographer who took a picture showing a significant number of empty chairs at a South Carolina event on Wednesday. “Impressive turnout,” said Clint Eastwood.

14. On Thursday, Ivanka Trump announced that she and her husband are expecting their third child. Fourth if you count Donald.

15. As climate change kills off some of their favorite flowers, several bumblebee species have responded to those losses by evolving shorter tongues. And no one is more disappointed by this new development than female bumblebees.

16. Ugrunaaluk kuukpikensis, a newly discovered dinosaur species, was officially named this week. So good luck to whichever Starbucks barista has to take that order.

17. Yesterday, Pope Francis became the first Pope to speak before a joint session of Congress. Because, apparently, fuck the separation of church and state.

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