1. Kid’s doll Lammily is coming out with a new line of accessories including a period party package featuring colored pads, a pair of underwear and a pamphlet on menstruation. ‘Well, if I was on the fence before, I’m definitely on the other team now,” said Ken.
2. A 78-year-old shopper at a California Costco said he was punched in the face by another customer after complaining the man was taking too many Nutella waffle samples. Luckily, the injured man got a really great deal on a 5,000 pack of bandaids.
3. According to a new study, women who are obese during pregnancy may die earlier. While men who tell women they look obese during pregnancy will definitely die earlier.
4. A scientist is claiming that sex can be used as a cure for fear of flying. I’m still scared to fly, but now I’m really scared to fly with that scientist.
5. Researchers in Japan have found that several species of apes can remember and recall plot details from movies. But now the primates are just being dicks about it and spoiling movies on purpose.
6. According to a new unauthorized biography, when in college, British Prime Minister David Cameron put his penis in the mouth of a dead pig. And, in related news, Cameron has been elected King of Arkansas.
7. Actor Jack Larson, who portrayed cub reporter Jimmy Olsen on the TV series “Adventures of Superman,” died yesterday as the age of 87. And, in what many are seeing as a sign of disrespect, Superman attended the funeral, but co-worker Clark Kent didn’t even bother to show up.
8. Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders will appear on the cover of this month’s edition of “Time” magazine. Because, much like Bernie, no one can believe “Time” magazine is still around.
9. Doritos announced last week that they will be introducing gay-pride inspired rainbow colored bags of chips. So now we will really see how dedicated Kim Davis is to her cause.
10. An Indiana man has set the Guinness Record for the largest baseball, with a baseball that has received over 25,000 layers of paint and now measures 14 feet across. “I don’t get it, why would you want to make a ball bigger?” said Tom Brady.