September 21, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders will appear on the cover of this month’s edition of “Time” magazine. Because, much like Bernie, no one can believe “Time” magazine is still around.

2. Doritos announced last week that they will be introducing gay-pride inspired rainbow colored bags of chips. So now we will really see how dedicated Kim Davis is to her cause.

3. According to a new poll, Donald Trump is still the front-runner amongst the field of Republican presidential candidates, but his support has fallen from 32 to 24 percent. Luckily Trump is used to that kind of drop-off since its the usual age difference when he exchanges wives.

4. An Indiana man has set the Guinness Record for the largest baseball, with a baseball that has received over 25,000 layers of paint and now measures 14 feet across. “I don’t get it, why would you want to make a ball bigger?” said Tom Brady.

5. A group of prominent Democratic Party fundraisers on Friday began circulating a letter to encourage a hesitant Vice President Joe Biden to enter the 2016 presidential race. And, to make sure it catches his attention, the letter included many colorful pictures.

6. On Sunday’s “Meet the Press,” Republican presidential hopeful Ben Carson said Muslims are unfit to be president of the United States. Thus beginning Carson’s smear campaign to convince the American public that that thing on Trump’s head is actually a turban.

7. On Sunday, Alexis Tsipras, was decisively re-elected as Greece’s Prime Minister. And, with a strong mandate like that, some time in the future, Tsipras’s face may appear on an absolutely worthless piece of Greek currency.

8. On Saturday, the St. Louis Cardinals became the first baseball team to clinch a birth in this year’s playoffs. “Wow, it’s still baseball season?” said the Philadelphia Phillies.

9. Actor Johnny Depp’s movie “Black Mass” came in second in this weekend’s box office. A Johnny Depp film placing second in the weekend box office can only mean one thing, there were only two movies out this weekend.

10. A woman in Australia used a hair straightener to burn her cheating boyfriend’s penis. But, on the plus-side, he no longer ‘leans to the left.’

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