March 16, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. Doctors who transplanted a complete penis onto a wounded soldier reported Wednesday that the man has regained near-normal erections and the ability to achieve orgasm more than one year after the surgery was completed. Said the soldier, “Please, just say normal erections.” 

2. A man was sentenced to thirty days in jail for posting a video of himself removing an ice cream container from a Texas market, licking the contents, and returning it to the freezer. “So I hear you like licking things,” said his cellmate.

3. Footwear company Crocs has announced a new collaboration with candy-maker Peeps to release brightly-colored clogs featuring chicks and bunnies for Easter. Hey, just because Jesus died for our sins doesn’t mean you should just walk around sinning.

4. This week, PGA Commissioner Jay Monahan said that Disneyland closing tis doors s prompted PGA Tour to do the same. And it’s not the first time golf has followed trends set by Disney:

5. Last week, Senator Ted Cruz announced that he will self-quarantine himself after interacting with an individual who tested positive for the novel coronavirus at the recent Conservative Political Action Conference. “Oh, man, I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy,” said people after hearing that someone interacted with Ted Cruz.

6. Earlier this month, singer Justin Bieber turned 26. Which is apparently that weird age where you look like both the victim and the pedophile:

7. It was announced last week that Hachette Book Group was considering publishing director Woody Allen’s memoir. Here’s a first look at the cover:

8. Last weekend, presidential candidate Bernie Sanders held a rally featuring the rap group Public Enemy and actor Dick van Dyke. The crowd was a little taken aback by all the swearing and then Pubic Enemy took the stage.

9. Last week, Harvey Weinstein’s lawyers said that he’ll die behind bars if sentenced to more than five years. Said the judge, “You promise?”

10. A New Mexico woman faces charges after police say she stole a car and later tried to claim she was Beyonce. Authorities became suspicious when they noticed that ‘Beyonce’ was driving a Kia Sorento.

11. The Cleveland Browns are increasing their efforts to help stop the spread of coronavirus by announcing a work-from-home policy. Which seems pointless, the Browns never show up on game day anyway.

12. Oscar-winning actor Tom Hanks announced on Twitter that he’s tested positive for the coronavirus. Good lord, not beloved character actor Tom Hanks, someone send the National Guard to Betty White’s house.

13. The Trump campaign has reportedly canceled a Women for Trump bus tour due to concerns over the coronavirus. Or, more likely, they realized that it probably wasn’t a great idea to remind women of Trump’ behavior on buses:

14. According to reports, President Trump’s campaign strategy is to paint his potential opponent, former Vice President Joe Biden, as senile. Said Joe, “I love painting!”

15. According to reports, President Trump’s campaign strategy is to paint his potential opponent, former Vice President Joe Biden, as senile. And, if history is any guide, you can do that by just giving him an opened umbrella:

16. According to research, a new type of therapy using feces and fake rubber hands may be able to help patients with obsessive compulsive disorder overcome their fears of touching contaminated surfaces. Which doesn’t seem like something we should be trying to cure right now.

17. Last week, students at Penn State held a candle-light vigil for a campus Taco Bell that’s closing. Marking the first time anyone has ever lit a candle before eating Taco Bell:

18. A new dating app has launched in the UK for men with penises that are smaller than the global average. It’s just like Tinder except you’re disappointed before you even meet the guy.

19. In response to price-gauging, New York state said they will be producing their own hand sanitizer. Word of caution, if you run into this man on the Q train, he does not work for the state and that’s not hand sanitizer he’s producing:

20. Donald Trump Jr. wants to debate Hunter Biden on who’s benefited more from their dads. It will be there first debate where legally every answer has to start with “Actually.”

September 9, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. A man in Florida parked his Smart car in his kitchen to protect it from Hurricane Dorian. “Yeah, same,” said Billy Joel looking at his car at the bottom of his pool in Trenton, New Jersey.

2. Pope Francis got trapped in an elevator for twenty-five minutes on Sunday. And I gotta admit, it doesn’t give me a lot of confidence that the guy in charge of the resurrection of Christ can’t even get an elevator to rise. 

3. A street sweeper in Thailand has become an internet sensation after a picture of her carrying her dog on her back while sweeping the streets of the Thai capital went viral. I don’t see what the big deal is, I carry much lunch to work everyday too.

4. According to a recent interview, actress Jennifer Lopez asked Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, who has been married for over fifty years, for marriage advice. Ginsburg top piece of advice, “Don’t marry that queer A-Rod.” 

5. The account of Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey was hacked on last Friday, sending tweets that included racial slurs and curse word. President Trump’s account was also hacked, but no one noticed the difference.

6. A large scientific study into the biological basis of sexual behavior has confirmed there is no single “gay gene” but that affects whether a person has same-sex sexual partners. “No single gay Gene!” said an irate Gene Shalit: 

7. A 96-year-old celebrated his birthday on Saturday by breaking his own record as the world’s oldest active scuba diver for the third year running. The man said his plan is to do this every year until he reaches his ultimate goal of setting the record for deepest underwater corpse.

8. Last week, a woman broke into a Texas Botox clinic and stole $20,000-worth of anti-aging products. Police are looking for a 5’7”, caucasian woman between the ages of 8 and 68. 

9. While performing at this year’s VMA award show, singer Lizzo performed backed by a giant inflatable ass. Not to be confused with Limp Bizkit, who are always fronted by a giant ass:

10. According to a new study, former professional football players with a history of concussions may be more likely to experience erectile dysfunction. That story again, apparently Anthony Cromartie didn’t suffer any concussions:

11. ZAO, a new Chinese app that lets users swap their faces with celebrities, sports stars or anyone else in a video clip, racked up millions of downloads over the weekend. “You’’ll be hearing from my lawyers!” yelled an enraged Nicholas Cage (and/or John Travolta).

12. Rapper Nicki Minaj took fans by surprise on Thursday with an announcement that she was retiring from the music business to “have my family.” Begging the question, doesn’t Keisha want a family too?

13. Last week,Hitler’s last living relative, Romano-Luka Hitler, was convicted of pedophilia after kissing a thirteen year old girl. Said Romano, “Can we go back to the headlines of me being related to Hitler?”

14. According to a new study, the back-to-work blues that set in on Sunday night are a real phenomenon. “They way I that I combat it is that I never start working in the first place,” said President Trump. 

15. A senior Justice Department official resigned after being found to have watched porn on a government computer. Although, in his defense, he may have just been doing work-related research:

June 6, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. A giant scaffold bearing the image of British Prime Minister Theresa May appeared on the cliffs of Dover on Monday, complete with a Union Flag skirt and a rude hand gesture indicating to the rest of Europe that it should go away. “That gives me an idea,” said Trump:

2. Yesterday, embattled comedian Bill Cosby arrived for the first day of his sexual assault trial with Keshia Knight Pulliam, the actress who played Rudy on ‘The Cosby Show’ by his side. When asked why she chose to do that, Pulliam said, “Because it’s a lot safer than walking in front of him.”

3. The Utah Attorney General’s Office said that a man suing the state has no constitutional right to marry his laptop computer. Also, that’s not what a USB port is for.

4. To promote its product, a condom company is running an ad asking the question, what if Donald Trump had never been born. “You know, it’s not too late to go with Plan B,” said Mike Pence.

5. Peter Laviolette, the head coach of the NHL’s Nashville Predators, has asked fans to stop throwing catfish onto the ice to celebrate goals. “Well, there goes my business,” said this guy:

6. At least 10 incoming freshmen to Harvard University have had their admission revoked for sharing anti-Semitic and racist content in an exclusive Facebook chat. But, on the plus side, they’ve all been given free rides to the University of Alabama.

7. A prostitution ring in Japan lets customers eat curry rice off of naked women. That way the burning sensation you feel when eating will match the burning sensation you’ll get when peeing.

8. Actor Jeremy Piven is putting his Malibu home on the market for $10.5 million. Man, if those walls could talk, they’d probably say “bro” a lot.

9. According to a new study, people who attend religious services tend to live longer. Turns out, ironically, Jesus may have made it past thirty-three if only he had gone to church more.

10. On Monday, George Conway, the husband of White House adviser Kellyanne Conway, criticized President Trump’s tweets about the administration’s temporary travel ban, saying they were undercutting the Justice Department’s ability to defend his policies. Adding, “Even my crazy-ass wife is having a hard time spinning this shit.”

April 17, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Companies in the notoriously workaholic country of Japan are offering employees bonuses if they leave work early. Begging the question, is that how Donald Trump made his fortune:

2. The education minister in India has ordered an investigation into a textbook that described the “best” female figure as 36”-24″-36″. That story again, history books all over the world are already quoting Donald Trump’s inauguration speech.

3. According to reports, Bill O’Reilly’s behavior is said to have been a contributing factor in Megan Kelly’s departure from Fox News. Another factor, she turned 30.

4. New York Knick Kristaps Porzingis is reportedly so frustrated with the direction of the team that he blew of his season-ending exit interview. Although, in the current climate, it’s probably a good idea for anyone named ‘Kristaos Porzingis’ to avoid anything labeled an ‘exit interview.’

5. On Friday, the Trump administration said it would break with established precedent by not releasing to the pubic the log that keeps track of all White House visitors. “That’s bullshit,” said Eric Trump, “Dad told me they didn’t allow visitors at the White House.”

6. A musical parody of the show “Friends” is debuting off-Broadway later this year. As an homage to “The Phantom of the Opera,” right before intermission the Chandler drops.

7. The International Church of Cannabis is set to open its doors for the first time next week in Denver. That story again, a house of prayer in Denver is about to unintentionally set the record for most Jesus lookalikes in one church at one time:

8. Emma Morano of Italy, the world’s oldest person, died over the weekend at the age of 117. Morano lived through two World Wars and almost made it to a third.

9. Ahead of his upcoming visit to Britain, President Trump has reportedly requested a golden carriage ride with Queen Elizabeth. Although, he’s gonna be pretty disappointed when he finds out that not everyone has the same definition for the term ‘golden carriage ride’ as Russian prostitutes.

10. Masao Gunji of Japan now holds the Guinness World Record for most Hello Kitty memorabilia with 5,169 items lining the walls of his bright pink home. Gunji also set the record for ‘Most Red Flags.’

February 8, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Former President Barack Obama was spotted kite-surfing in the Caribbean. Which is like stalking your ex on Facebook only to find out he’s completely moved on and is doing much better without you.

2. A South Carolina woman is accused of cutting a man’s throat before going on a verbal tirade in which she claimed to control President Donald Trump and referred to herself as Jesus Christ. And, yet despite all this, yesterday, she was confirmed as Secretary of Education. Congrats Betsy.

3. In a recent interview, actress Lena Dunham blamed her recently weight loss on her inability to eat after Donald Trump’s election. Alright, but that still doesn’t explain why Kellyanne Conway looks so terrible.

4. A group of good samaritans dressed as giraffes took down a fleeing shoplifter over the weekend in Britain. The shoplifter said next time he’ll come better prepared:
lion

5. On Monday, while talking about the current political climate, Democratic Senator and House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi mistakenly referred to the President as “President Bush.” Pelosi caught her mistake and quickly corrected it by saying “President Bannon.”

6. According to researchers, the Statue of Liberty was originally conceived to be an Egyptian peasant, meaning she is most likely Muslim. Which explains why she’s spent the past 130 years in New York harbor and has never set foot on dry land.

7. Singer Madonna has been granted permission to adopt two more children from Malawi after the impoverished African nation’s High Court gave its approval. Said the judge, “Please pick me!”

8. A mother is pressing charges against a daycare worker she says was caught on surveillance video breastfeeding her child without her permission. “Why can’t you just be cool about this?” said the woman’s fifteen year-old son.

9. Actress Rosie O’Donnell took to Twitter on Tuesday to state her desire to play Donald Trump’s chief strategist Steve Bannon on ‘Saturday Night Live.’ Although, I don’t know why SNL would opt for Rosie when they already have the real Bannon playing himself:
bannon

10. An Illinois-based dog food company was forced to recall its product after it was discovered to contain a euthanasia drug. So, I guess Fido isn’t as good at ‘playing’ dead as you thought.

February 3, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to reports, Hillary Clinton is working on a book about the 2017 presidential election. Although, I’m not sure writing “WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED!!!” over and over again in a diary can technically be considered a book.

2. It was announced that Hillary Clinton will deliver the 2017 commencement speech at Wellesley College. She will tell the graduating seniors they can do anything they want to, just as long as a unqualified man with zero experience doesn’t want to do the exact same thing.

3. A high school choir teacher in Oklahoma has been arrested for indecent exposure after performing a cartwheel in front of an entire class of students while not wearing any underwear. In a related story, all the boys in that choir who were altos are now baritones.

4. Former president Barack Obama was spotted on vacation in the Caribbean this week wearing a backwards baseball hat and flip-flops. Not to be outdone, Joe Biden was spotted wearing his floaties:
biden-pool

5. Kim Kardashian and Chrissy Teigen announced on Thursday that they are starting a book club. No word on whether it will be coloring or pop-up.

6. A new dating app has debuted called Hater, that matches people based on things they both hate. So, now Donald Trump can actually call himself a uniter.

7. The White House said on Thursday, President Trump will honor an agreement with Australia to accept refugees although he is unhappy about the deal. It is the most begrudging ‘acceptance’ since Melania said “I do.”

8. During an interview this week, Kellyanne Conway compared Donald Trump to Jesus Christ. Because, even after a rough first week, much like Jesus, Donald will rise again, unless, of course, there are stairs involved.

9. According to reports, there is a secret code word for when President Trump is having sex in the White House. Well, it’s not so much a word as it is everyone just puking uncontrollably.

10. According to reports, President Trump is afraid of stairs. And it might be genetic, because Barron is understandably scared of steps:
trump-kids

11. Scientists have developed a brain-computer interface that reads the brain’s blood oxygen levels and enables communication by deciphering the thoughts of patients who are totally paralyzed and unable to talk. Although it is suspicious that every communication so far has been, “Please add these scientist to my will.”

12. The owner of the house in which Adolf Hitler was born is suing to keep the Austrian government from seizing and demolishing the property. They should probably think about getting rid of this one too:
hitler-house

13. Singer and member of 90s rap group the Fugees, Lauryn Hill showed up to her own Atlanta concert Tuesday night three hours late. Well, technically 19 years and three hours late.

14. According to reports, First Lady Melania Trump may not move into the White House at all. Man, Donald really doesn’t want a woman in the White House.

15. According to a new study, being naked makes us happier and more satisfied with our bodies. That’s what I told the judge, but I still can’t go within 300 feet of a school.

16. Masaya Nakamura, the man who founded the Japanese video game company behind ‘Pac-Man’, died over the weekend at the age of 91. Police have gathered up the usual suspects:
lineup

17. On Wednesday, evangelical Christian leader Jerry Falwell Jr. was tapped by President Trump to head an education reform task force. So I guess it’s safe to say, you can just skip that chapter on evolution, kids.

18. According to a new study, reggae music is the type music that makes dogs happiest. But just the music:
reggae

19. Nearly 50 years after her death, Judy Garland’s remains were flown from New York to Los Angeles by her family so she can be buried with her children and grandchildren. Said Judy, “Toto, I don’t know where the fuck I am anymore.”

20. English designers spent 200 hours weaving over one million strands of male chest hair together to create a fur coat, aptly named the Man-Fur Coat which can be bought for the price of $3900. Or, if you’re Serbian, for free.

November 18, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Housing advocacy groups have alleged that a bank controlled by Steven Mnuchin, a top candidate to be President-elect Donald Trump’s Treasury secretary, engaged in discriminatory practices against blacks and Latinos. The same discriminatory actions were also listed under ‘Accomplishments’ in the resume Mnuchin submitted to the Trump team.
 
2. A 1,500-year-old stone tablet with the earliest known chiseled inscription of the Ten Commandments was sold at auction on Wednesday for $850,000. Said the proud new owner, “If this doesn’t get my neighbor’s hot wife’s attention, nothing will.”
 
3. A&E announced that its hit TV show “Duck Dynasty” will end after five seasons. Presumably because no one on staff knows what comes after five.
 
4. In the past week, more than 20,000 people have donated to Planned Parenthood in Mike Pence’s name. He’s only in his 230th trimester, so it may not be too late.
 
5. This week, a 1,100 pound man in Mexico left his bed for the first time in a decade. That story again, a bed in Mexico broke.
 
6. According to a spokesperson, U.S. President-elect Donald Trump has spoken with nearly 30 foreign leaders since winning the election. But said he won’t make up his mind until the talent competition:universe

7. A congressionally-appointed panel on Wednesday called for the creation of a U.S. museum of women’s history, with preferred sites near Washington’s National Mall. Which finally explains why the Washington Monument looks like that.

8. Residents of a small town in Missouri are upset over a bondage club that operates right next to the local church. Yeah, you wouldn’t want the church-going kids to see images of people being tied-up and tortured:
jesus

9. According to reports, President-elect Donald Trump wants to spend his weekends at his Trump Tower apartment in New York instead of the White House. “I like that idea, in fact, if you want to spend the next four years nowhere near Washington D.C. we’d be okay with that,” said half of America.
 
10. According to reports, President-elect Donald Trump wants to spend his weekends at his Trump Tower apartment in New York instead of the White House. And also the weekdays. And also he doesn’t really want to be president.
 
11. New York’s Columbia University has suspended its men’s wrestling team as it investigates “racist, misogynistic and homophobic” text messages between team members. So let’s update the list:pad

12. According to a new poll, 75% of Americans were surprised when Donald Trump won the election. I trust those numbers, when have polls ever let us down before?

13. A 38-year-old British man set out on Sunday on a 2,000 mile swim across the Atlantic Ocean from Senegal to Brazil. Man, I really don’t understand how this Brexit thing works.

14. Formula One driver Lewis Hamilton had his pet bulldog Roscoe’s sperm frozen to ensure he can have puppies in future. And, in related news, Hamilton’s lower leg is very sore today.

15. Experts say that parents may be able to reduce the chance that their children will develop peanut allergies by introducing the food early on, as young as four to six months of age. And, worst case scenario, it’s a great way to weed out the weak ones.

16. An Australian man linked to an outlaw biker gang has been arrested after police found a gun hidden in his butt. Said the man, “I’ve been looking all over for that!”

17. In a court motion on Friday, 79-year-old comedian Bill Cosby asserted that he intends to resume his stand-up career once litigation surrounding numerous sexual assault allegations against him draws to a close. Which I assume will be a nice treat for his fellow inmates.

18. Mabel Ball, a 108-year-old Illinois woman, who was born the same year the Cubs last won a championship, died only days after the team finally recaptured the World Series this year. “At this rate, I’m gonna live forever,” said Hazel Woods, a 110-year-old Browns fan.

19. A vibrator museum, chronicling the history of the sex toy, has opened up in San Francisco. The only to get into the museum is to first take a tour through the neighboring sex museum and come away unsatisfied.

20. In an interview with “60 Minutes,” President-elect Donald Trump said he’s “fine” with same-sex marriage remaining legal across the country. An opinion I think he’ll stick to unless someone’s stupid enough to tell him that also means two guys can get married.

October 24, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Last week, Vanilla Ice’s wife filed for divorce after nearly twenty years of marriage. Begging the question, what’s half of nothing?
 
2. During Thursday night’s Al Smith Dinner in New York, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump compared himself to Jesus, saying he too started out as a carpenter for his father. And, with any luck, the stories will end the same way too.

3. According to a new poll, parents would rather talk to their kids about sex than money. “Luckily, that’s just one conversation for me,” said Charlie Sheen.

4. The New Jersey Senate voted unanimously on Thursday to approve a bill requiring that the state’s student loan agency forgive the debts of borrowers who die. “Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Patterson, this is Edna from Rutgers’ student loan office. I have good news and bad news.”

5. A Tennessee man, banned from City Hall due to a restraining order, is running for mayor. “That’s it! If I become principal they’ll have to let me within 200 feet of a school,” said Jerry Sandusky.

6. Over the weekend, police determined an envelope of white powder sent to Hillary Clinton’s New York headquarters was not harmful. As opposed to the white power that consistently appears at Trump rallies.

7. On Friday, a singer knelt while performing the national anthem ahead of a Miami Heat preseason basketball game. “I wasn’t kneeling!” said Bruno Mars.

8. A Georgia teen who suffered a serious blow to the head during a soccer game, awoke from a coma speaking only Spanish. But, on the plus side, now that your kid refers to soccer as ‘futbol,’ you can pretend he plays a real sport.

9. Iranian President Hassan Rouhani said on Sunday the harsh exchanges in the presidential debates pointed to a lack of morality in America. Specifically, the part where they let a woman speak her mind part.

10. On Sunday, Donald Trump’s campaign manager Kellyanne Conway admitted that the Republican candidate is behind in the polls but added that’s only because Hillary “has some advantages.” Mainly, that her opponent keeps talking.

September 16, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. An outbreak of hand, foot and mouth disease has struck the student body at Florida State University. But, that type of thing will happen when the hand motions that go along with the “Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes” song are part of the English 301 curriculum.

2. A new study has determined that you inherit your intelligence from your mother. Yup, that makes sense:
ivanka

3. According to new research, people don’t know how drunk they are. Said drunks, “No, you don’t know how drunk you are!”

4. A new study revealed that being actively involved in social media sites like Facebook and Twitter can bring users as much happiness as getting married or having a new baby. Especially if you have a shitty marriage and hate your kids.

5. An 18-year-old Austrian girl is suing her parents for posting ’embarrassing and intimate’ baby photos of her on Facebook. “Friend request sent,” said Jared Fogel.

6. Melania Trump released a letter from her immigration attorney Wednesday aimed at settling questions about whether she properly followed immigration law when she came to the United States in 1996. And here is a picture of her attorney:
trump-doctor

7. This week, a teenage driver in Alabama collided with a camel on a local road. So someone’s gonna have to break the news to baby Jesus that there’s only gonna be two wise men this year.

8. This week, Amazon announced that it’s virtual assistant device, the Echo, can communicate with all GE appliances. That story again, the Echo, your toaster and your fridge are now plotting against you.

9. The iPhone 7 is being advertised in Hong Kong using the catchphrase “This is seven,” but, in Cantonese, ‘seven’ is slang for ‘penis,’ so all the ads read “This is penis” next to a picture of the phone. Which, in Anthony Weiner’s case, is still technically accurate.

10. Sunday night, Savvy Shields, a college student from Arkansas, was crowned Miss America. So congratulations to Savvy on achieving her lifelong goal of getting the fuck out of Arkansas.

11. Rapper Travis Scott scored his first number one album on the Billboard 2000 charts on Monday with “Birds in the Trap Sing McKnight,” knocking previous number one Barbara Streisand down to sixth. “Dat woke ass bitch be trippin’ cause I ain’t fixin’ to be fake,” said Streisand.

12. On Saturday, Iran began building its second nuclear power plant. And, thanks to the first one, construction on this one should go a lot quicker:
construction

13. Pop star Lady Gaga has revealed she wrote the lyrics for her new single on a typewriter. Looks like another hit:
typewriter
 
14. According to a new study, middle-aged parents are more likely to smoke marijuana then their teenage children. Which explains, why, for the third night in a row, dinner is pizza rolls and an ice pop.
 
15. Last week, Louie Gohmert, a Republican Congressman from Texas, repeatedly declared Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton “mentally impaired” as the result of a concussion. Which, I assume, offends Gohmert because he came about his mentally impairment the old fashioned way.

16. A new study shows that prolonged exposure to cell phones destroys sperm cells in men. But, on the plus-side:
bieber

17. In a recent interview, Aerosmith singer Steven Tyler said he would do just about anything to be in the next “Guardians of the Galaxy.” I guess, because he doesn’t realize the raccoon is CGI:
racoon

18. The movie “Sully,” which is about the United Airlines flight that made an emergency landing in the Hudson a few years back, opened this weekend to rave reviews. Well, except for one notable movie critic:
sully-review

19. Two dolphins have been recorded having an underwater conversation for the first time ever. The conversation went something like this: “Who’s the guy with the tape recorded.” “I don’t know. I thought he was with you.”

20. Former New York City mayor Rudy Giuliani said he agreed with Donald Trump when the Republican presidential candidate said anything is legal during wartime. Which, I assume, includes faking bone spurs in your foot to avoid going to Vietnam.

August 15, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. The creator of the TV series “Homeland” said the president in the show’s next season is part Donald Trump and part Hillary Clinton. He said viewers will be able to easily determine which features and characteristics are drawn from which candidate, except for the fictional president’s small, delicate, feminine hands.

2. On Saturday, Actor Robert De Niro said that Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump should not run for president because he was “totally nuts”. Said Trump, “You talkin’ to me?”

3. A judge in Ireland ruled last week that being a disciple of Jesus Christ is not an occupation. Did he say anything about being a DJ?

4. Police are on the lookout for a man who allegedly stole a $60 penis pump from a sex shop in Australia. Don’t worry he’ll be back to return it, those things don’t work … I mean, I’ve heard those things don’t work.

5. Last week, a doctor in Florida returned a book on how to be a doctor to a library 40 years after checking it out. Ironically, he just paid off his student debt and now has to take out another loan to pay the late fees.

6. A 72-year-old Ohio man was arrested for allegedly slipping into the residence of a female neighbor, ejaculating into a bottle of orange juice and then returning it to her refrigerator. But, in his defense, it was freshly squeezed.

7. Last week, twin sister in Pennsylvania gave birth on the same day in the same hospital. Or maybe, just maybe, there was a mirror in the delivery room.

8. A woman in Russia told police she was raped by a Pokemon Go character. In a clever attempt to get the police to catch a Pikachu for her.

9. New leaked footage has emerged alleging showing actor Johnny Depp throwing a wine glass at his ex-wife Amber Heard. And, in an even worse show of spousal abuse, additional videos show Depp making Heard go to the premiere of all his movies.

10. American Olympian Ashton Eaton is facing criticism for openly supporting his wife, who is a Canadian Olympic heptathlete, at the Games. Specifically from his American girlfriend.