November 25, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to a recent article, Mayor Pete Buttigieg only packed four shirts for his bus tour around Iowa. And when he says he only packed four shirts, he means it:

2. President Trump reportedly screened ‘The Joker’ last weekend at the White House for family and friends. “Wow, that was scary,” said Trump after seeing the Joker take on that many steps:

3. A 39-year-old Texas man living with his mom allegedly killed his mom’s dog because he couldn’t have sex in her house. Said the man, “If I can’t fuck that dog, no one can.”

4. Actress Emma Watson recently said she prefers to call herself “self-partnered” rather than single. Although has she considered that maybe she’s single because she insists on referring to herself as self-partnered?

5. Actress Emma Watson recently said she prefers to call herself “self-partnered” rather than single. I once got kicked out of an Applebees in Sheboygan for self-partnering myself.

6. In a statement released last week, White House press secretary Stephanie Grisham claimed that the recently released testimony shows there is “even less evidence for the impeachment inquiry.” Then she added, “Oh wait, I was holding it upside-down…oh, dear lord!”

7. Last week singer Justin Bieber released an all-natural, vegan deodorant called “Here & Now.” Because apparently after sucking in the medium of sound for so long, Bieber is now wants to destroy our sense of smell as well.

8. Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos is reportedly interested in purchasing a professional football team. “Professional? Well, that rules us out,” said the Dolphins.

9. Apple announced this week that it is aiming to launch its augmented-reality headset in 2022. “Sooner!” said people looking around at reality in 2019.

10. President Trump was not boo’d when he was shown on the Jumbotron during a University of Alabama football game last weekend. But that’s only because it’s early in the semester and the Bama students haven’t gotten to the letter ‘B’ yet:

11. According to President Trump, one of the first things world leaders do when meeting him is congratulate him on the U.S. economy. As opposed to the first thing President Trump does, which is ask them to investigate Hunter Biden.

12. According to a new poll, 56% of people use the internet to diagnosis themselves. Said Eric Trump, “Turns out I have a pretty severe case of ‘error 404 not found.’”

13. The start of the second half of Saturday’s Harvard-Yale football game was delayed by nearly an hour after a number of spectators came out of the stands and rushed the field to protest climate change. Officials became suspicious when they noticed there were spectators in the stands. 

14. On Sunday, actor Tom Hanks found out that he’s related to Mister Rogers. That story again, Mister Rogers fucked.

15. Billionaire former New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg put his name on Democratic primary ballots in Texas on Wednesday. They say everything is bigger in Texas, which is great news for Bloomberg: 

16. Coldplay will not tour to promote their new album due concerns over the pollution caused by tour buses and private jets. So maybe global warming isn’t so bad.

17. A drunk man allegedly groped a woman on a flight while his young son was sitting next to him. But, on the plus side, at least Trump is hanging out with Barron now.

18. According to a new report, scientists have found a place in Ethiopia where life cannot exist due to its extreme environment. That story again, Africa has its own Detroit.

19. According to a new study, teens have a higher likelihood of using marijuana if their parents use the drug. When asked if he wanted his kids to smoke marijuana, singer Willie Nelson said, “I have kids?”

20. According to a recent story, a Hollywood movie studio executive once suggested that Julia Roberts play the role of Harriet Tubman. But in the exec’s defense, I assume Helen Mirren was busy.

March 11, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Friday, while meeting with supporters at a local church in Alabama, President Trump signed multiple copies of the Bible. It is the most regrettable thing Trump has put his name on since Don Jr. 

2. An Oregon man, who was stranded in his snowbound SUV with his dog, told rescuers he survived for five days solely on Taco Bell sauce packets. Thus reaffirming what we already knew, Taco Bell fire sauce goes great with dog meat.

3. A doughnut shop in Florida is selling a $1000 doughnut that is topped with 24-karat gold and Cristal champagne. So, if you live in Florida and have a grand to spare, enjoy the extra thousand dollars worth of meth. 

4. Sunday night, filmmaker Spike Lee won his first ever Oscar. In response, Lee lowered his demands to 30 acres and a mule.

5. Last weekend, after accepting the Best Actor Oscar for his role in “Bohemian Rhapsody” the Freddie Mercury bio-pic, actor Rami Malek accidentally fell off the stage. Or, he’s already starting prepping for his next role, ‘Frasier’ the Kelsey Grammar biopic:

6. On Tuesday, several members of the Portland Trailblazers were stuck for over thirty minutes in an malfunctioning elevator. Even worse, one time Rob Gronkowski was stuck for three days on a broken escalator:

7. North Carolina authorities have jailed a wife for allegedly impersonating her daughter in court. “Wait, they were two different people?” asked a confused Woody Allen.

8. On Thursday, Israel’s attorney general announced corruption charges against Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu just 40 days before his re-election. Experts called the timing of the charges worrisome, while James Comey called it perfect.

9. On Friday, Alabama Republican Roy Moore, whose unsuccessful 2017 Senate campaign was marred by allegations he sexually pursued teenage girls while in his 30s, said he may again run for the Senate. It’s like Moore always says, if at first you don’t succeed, find a different fifteen year old girl.

10. Michael Cohen, the former personal lawyer of President Donald Trump, on Thursday sued the Trump Organization, saying it reneged on its obligation to reimburse him for millions of dollars of legal fees. “Wait, you’re getting paid for this!?!?!” asked Rudy Giuliani.

11. A Florida woman who once owned the day spa where Patriots owner Robert Kraft allegedly solicited sexual acts, watched the Super Bowl with President Donald Trump. Begging the question, how did that criminal get that level of security clearance, also what was that spa owner doing there? 

12. A new report about the close relationship between Fox News and President Donald Trump says the President personally asked a top White House aide to make sure the Justice Department stopped AT&T from purchasing Time Warner. “If you want to prevent them from merging, I suggest making them sleep in different rooms,” said Melania.

13. According to a new study, when parents of boys don’t spend a lot of time playing or talking with them, their sons may be more likely to use guns in adolescence. You don’t say:

14. On Wednesday, singer R Kelly was taken into custody for failure to pay child support. Said the child in question, “You know what, I’m good.”

15. In a legal brief filed Wednesday with the Supreme Court, rappers Killer Mike, Chance the Rapper, Meek Mill, Yo Gotti, Fat Joe, and 21 Savage claimed Jamal Knox’s rap song “F*** the Police” is a “political statement” and “not a true threat of violence.” They also added that Sir Mix-a-lot has, at best, mixed emotion about larger posteriors.

16. According to a new survey, Americans are consuming more gourmet coffee than ever. Message received:

September 7, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. Monica Lewinsky cut shot a live interview during a conference in Jerusalem Monday night after being asked an “off limits” question about former President Bill Clinton. That seems so out of character, she usually lets people finish:

2. A 95-year-old British man broke his own record on Saturday as the world’s oldest scuba diver. After breaking the record, he emerged from the water, unconnected his oxygen tank, removed his wetsuit, and then reconnected his oxygen tank.

3. According to a new study, smartphone apps that remind heart patients to take their pills could help them stick to prescribed regimens. Because if there’s one thing that people with bad hearts need, it’s random alarms going off at unexpected times.

4. A pair of stolen ruby slippers from “The Wizard of Oz” have been recovered in Minneapolis. Although I doubt they are the real ruby slippers because, if they were, they would have clicked themselves together a long time ago and gotten the fuck outta Minneapolis

5. Roy Moore, the former Alabama Senate candidate, on Wednesday filed a $95 million defamation lawsuit against Sacha Baron Cohen, claiming he was duped into appearing on the British comedian’s Showtime series. “I don’t like the sound of that,” said Cohen of the $95 million suit and Moore of Cohen’s last name. 

6. Last week, the White House announced that President Trump will skip summits with Asian leaders in in November, but send Vice President Mike Pence in his place. Said Trump, “It’s great when Pence goes to things I don’t want to. By any chance is he available on Eric’s birthday?”

7. The bishop who officiated Aretha Franklin’s funeral has apologized for being “too familiar” when he embraced singer Ariana Grande after her tribute to the Queen of Soul. Those in attendance called it “uncalled for” while the Catholic Church called it “an improvement”:

8. In a recent interview, former Secretary of State John Kerry said he wouldn’t rule out a presidential run in 2010. “Of course not, that’s our job,” said voters.

9. Watergate journalist Bob Woodward will release a new book Tuesday detailing life within the Trump administration entitled “Fear: Trump in the White House.” It is expected to sell much better than his previous book on the president “Rear: Trump in the White Blouse”:

10. Eight hundred pounds of lemons were recently stolen in Southern California. Look, I don’t want to tell the cops how to do their job, but maybe ask Lucy here how she’s able to sell lemonade so cheap:

11. In a new interview, President Trump claims that Special Counsel Robert Mueller is former FBI Director James Comey’s best friend adding, “I could get you 100 pictures of him and Comey hugging and kissing each other.” “I guess that makes me the President’s best friend,” said Stormy Daniels.

12. Police executed a warrant Thursday morning to search through the home of the couple who raised $400,000 for a homeless Philadelphia man. “Who’s the dumb one for having a home now,” said the homeless man.

13. Philadelphia 76ers Joel Embiid recently revealed that he learned how to play basketball by watching YouTube videos of people shooting hoops. And, by the look of it, I’m guessing the Knicks learned by watching videos of the Washington Generals.

14. On Wednesday, Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh declined to weigh in on whether a sitting president can pardon himself. Trump definitely has to be sitting when he ‘pardons himself’ because there’s no way he can see his own dick while he stands.

15. According to reports, in journalist Bob Woodward’s new book about the Trump administration, Chief of Staff John Kelly is quoted as saying, “I don’t know why any of us are here. This is the wort job I’ve ever had.” Keep in mind, this is a guy whose previous job was getting shelled by infidels in Afghanistan, saying working in this White House is the worst job he’s ever had.

March 2, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to a new study, one in every five working-age black men in the United States did not work at all in 2016. A low number that I wish was at least one man higher:

2. Due to his inability to obtain a full security clearance, this week President Trump’s son-in-law and adviser, Jared Kushner, lost access to the most valued U.S. intelligence report. Said President Trump, “He can’t watch FoxNews?”

3. In an interview published on Tuesday, singer Barbra Streisand revealed the she had her deceased dog Samantha cloned. Streisand made an exact replicate to replace her dead dog, or, as Michael Vick calls it, covering your tracks.

4. On Monday, President Trump criticized police officers who failed to confront the shooter at the Florida high school by saying, “I really believe I’d run in there even if I didn’t have a weapon.” Begging the question, does he have a weapon? Can someone please check on that!

5. This week, a White House photographer caught images of advisor Stephen Miller appearing to fall asleep during President Trump’s meeting with governors. Which is weird, because Miller wasn’t anywhere near his coffin:

6. On Wednesday, White House communication director Hope Hicks announced that she will be leaving the Trump administration. Thus, inadvertently, coming up with Trump’s 2020 re-election motto:

7. It was reported this week that many nursing homes are using virtual reality equipment to allow elderly patients suffering from dementia to “travel back in time” to the days of their childhood in the early 1900s. Or, if they don’t have access to VR technology, they can just go to Alabama.

8. A Canadian athlete competing at the Winter Olympics has been charged with drunk driving after taking a car on a joy ride in the early hours of Saturday morning in South Korean. “Wait, is that an Olympic event?” asked Billy Joel.

9. While speaking of his campaign and administration at CPAC last week, President Trump said, “We’re fighting a lot of forces.” Yes, forces like common sense and decency.

10. FCC Chairman Ajit Pai was honored at the Conservative Political Action Conference by the NRA awarding him a Kentucky long rifle. So good luck to Pai, who is of Indian descent and thus has a darker skin complexion, on getting out of that NRA convention holding a gun alive.

11. While speaking of the West Side highway in Manhattan during his speech at CPAC last week, President Trump “I know it very well, this stretch along the west side highway, people run in order to stay in shape.” Well, maybe not ‘very well’:

12. First Lady Melania Trump’s favorite TV show is reportedly “How to Get Away with Murder.” She’s hoping the answer is a never-ending diet of KFC and McDonald’s.

13. This week former First Lady Michelle Obama announced that she is writing a memoir that will be released November 13th entitled “Becoming.” Which means one thing, Melania’s memoir will be released on November 14th:

14. This week, sporting goods store Dick’s announced that it will stop selling assault style weapons. So now, if the answer to the question “Who’s gun is that?” is “Dick’s”, run!:

15. In a new USA Today poll, 59% of respondents had an unfavorable view of President Trump and one woman from the Midwest said she’d never heard of Donald Trump. And there’s no question Trump’s way more angry about that one woman’s response.

16. After eight years of restoration work, Cuba on Thursday re-opened to the public the doors of its Capitol. Said the U.S., “What’s it like to actually get something accomplished in your Capitol building?”

17. Last week, Pulitzer Prize winning writer David Mamet revealed that he has penned a new play about film producer Harvey Weinstein. I don’t understand, didn’t we already have one of those?:

January 12, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. While making an appearance before Monday night’s College Football National Championship game, President Trump appeared to forget the words to the National Anthem. It’s the first time Trump has forgotten the words to something since he tried to call Baron by his name.

2. According to reports, the White House ban on staffers using personal cellphones in the West Wing will go into effect next Tuesday. Which I guess means it’s back to smoke signals for Melania:

3. A Rhode Island rapper whose songs include “Sell Drugsz” and “Feds Watching” has been sentenced to three years in federal prison for trafficking heroin and fentanyl. And I can’t think of any worse street cred in jail than being a Rhode Island rapper.

4. According to NBC News, a group of Democratic women in Congress will wear black to President Trump’s first State of the Union address at the end of the month. But, if history is any guide, I bet Donald is just happy they plan on showing up:

5. Last weekend, O.J. Simpson watched the Buffalo Bills playoff game with a group of Bills at a sports bar. It’s the first time a game didn’t go to overtime, but the fans were still very worried about sudden death.

6. President Trump on Monday told farmers gathered in Tennessee that he supports crop insurance. And, in his defense, Trump has always been a big proponent of cropping:

7. After receiving criticism about what their devices do to children, Apple defended themselves this week saying it “has always looked out for kids.” Which isn’t a great defense since, technically, Jared from Subway also “always looked out for kids.”

8. According to a new lawsuit, WalMart misled shoppers by selling organic eggs laid by hens raised in enclosed structures. “What kind of person does that?” said me upon hearing that people buy eggs at WalMart.

9. After her speech at the Golden Globes, rumors are running wild that Oprah Winfrey will run for president against Donald Trump in 2020. And I can’t think of a person more opposite to Trump than a legitimate billionaire, woman of color who is involved in Weight Watchers.

10. Nissan is reportedly working on a car that can read the driver’s mind. The most common thought: “I wish I was more successful so that I didn’t have to drive a Nissan.”

11. US ambassador to the UN Nikki Haley says President Trump’s tweet warning North Korean leader Kim Jong Un about US nuclear capabilities helps global security because it keeps Kim “on his toes.” Also keeping Jong Un on his toes, things on shelves:

12. This week, O.J. Simpson denied long-standing rumors that he had an affair with Kris Jenner and is Khloe Kardashian’s real father. Said the Juice, “Luckily, that time, the glove did fit”:

13. The Jewish lawyer whom Kayla Moore, wife of failed Alabama Senate candidate Roy Moore, bragged about knowing is actually a practicing Christian. But, in her defense, Kayla Moore, probably missed the day in middle school where they covered religion because Roy Moore was taking her to the mall.

14. It was recently announced that David Letterman’s first guest on his new Netflix show will be former-President Barack Obama. “What’s it like to be replaced by a guy who has good ratings?” asked Obama.

15. Environmental Protection Agency chief Scott Pruitt, the conservative former attorney general of Oklahoma, is interested in replacing Attorney General Jeff Sessions if that job becomes available. I don’t know Scott, those are some very tiny shoes to fill:

16. The California couple arrested last month in Nebraska for carrying a large quantity of marijuana they claimed were Christmas gifts, were arrested again for possession of marijuana. Said the couple, “Haven’t you ever heard of Martin Luther King Jr. Day gifts?”

17. President Trump on Saturday rejected an author’s accusations that he is mentally unfit for office saying he is “a very stable genius.” Begging the question, what the fuck does unstable look like?:

18. According to a new study, people who live close to gyms, pools and playing fields weigh less and have smaller waistlines than their counterparts residing farther away from exercise facilities. Which is weird because I could have sworn there was a pool in the White House:

19. Steve Bannon has stepped down as executive chairman of Breitbart News, the right-wing news website said on Tuesday. Which is a much easier task for Bannon than stepping up:

20. A mysterious electrical fire broke out on the roof of New York’s Trump Tower on Monday. Which is not surprising, Trump-owned properties have a history of hard to explain debacles appearing on top of them:

December 22, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. The Trump administration has told agencies within the Department of Health and Human Services to avoid using certain words or phrases in official documents, including ‘diversity,’ ‘transgender’ and ‘science-based.’ But Trump more than anyone should know ignoring something and not calling it by name won’t make it go away:eric trump1

2. An extensive review of research on exercise, nutritional supplements, drugs and brain-training techniques concludes there is no definitive evidence that any of them protect against dementia. Also, twelve Diet Cokes a day isn’t helping either.

3. The new Donald Trump robot was unveiled this week at Disney’s Hall of Presidents, with robotic George Washington introducing him. Washington’s exact words are, “Get a load of this asshole.”

4. Roy Moore, who has still not conceded his loss in the Alabama Senate race, is asking supporters for $75,000 to investigate “voter fraud.” Seems like someone should tell Roy that it’s not voter fraud, black people are allowed to vote.

5. Singer Lady Gaga announced on Wednesday that she will stage a nightly show at the MGM hotel in Las Vegas for the next two years. “Word of advice,” said fellow Las Vegas resident Roy, “leave your meat suit at home”: roy gaga

6. A couple in Tennessee recently gave birth to a baby girl from an embryo that was frozen twenty-four years ago. That means that newborn baby is also somehow 24-years-old and thus legal, or, as it’s otherwise known, Roy Moore’s perfect woman.

7. The White House announced that President Trump will undergo a physical examination early next year and the results will be released to the public. “I can’t wait to see that,” said everyone but the doctor.

8. A California couple was arrested on Tuesday for trying to sell their own kids for drugs. “That’s ambitious,” said President Trump: white house

9. According to a newly released poll, Hillary Clinton’s favorability rating has hit a new low of 36%. Man, at this rate, she’s never gonna win the 2016 presidential election.

10. A federal judge ruled on Monday that President Trump’s administration must allow access to abortion for two pregnant teenagers who are in the country illegally. Or, as the Trump administration spun it, good news, there will be two less illegal immigrants in this country.

11. Cincinnati Bengals rookie running back Joe Mixon bought $200,000 worth of jewelry before he was drafted. Because, if you’re a Bengal and want a ring, you’re gonna have to buy it.

12. On Tuesday, ‘Variety’ reported that Nick Cannon will write and direct a movie about women’s basketball entitled “She Ball” co-starring Chris Brown. Said the studio exec who green-lit the movie, “I’m trying to get fired.”

13. On Tuesday, ‘Variety’ reported that Nick Cannon will write and direct a movie about women’s basketball entitled “She Ball” co-starring Chris Brown. Great news for anyone who loved ‘Juwanna Mann’ but always wished it was somehow worse.

14. The new Donald Trump robot was unveiled this week at Disney’s Hall of Presidents. Unfortunately the robot keeps trying to get the women who work at Epcot’s Russia pavilion to go on ‘Splash Mountain’ with him.

15. On Wednesday, Catt Sadler, co-host of two shows on E!, left the company after twelve years after she learned that E! was paying her half as much as her male co-host. Congratulations to Sadler who now earns the same amount of money as a male host, unfortunately that male host is Billy Bush.

16. This week, Major League Soccer announced that a new expansion team has been awarded to the city of Nashville. So, if you were looking for a reason to visit Nashville, keep looking.

17. People are suggesting that the logo for the 2018 World Chess Championship resembles two people having sex. Begging the question, if you know what sex looks like, what are you doing at a chess championship?

18. In a cabinet meeting on Wednesday, Vice President Mike Pence praised Donald Trump every 12.5 seconds for three minutes straight. Pence would have kept going, but Trump had already climaxed by then.

December 15, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to a recent report, President Trump watches up to eight hours of TV a day. But, in Trump’s defense, sometimes Blue’s clues are tricky and he has to re-watch an entire episode to figure it out.

2. A Massachusetts man is accused of catching a 400-pound tuna out of season and then dumping the carcass in the woods. A Massachusetts man killed something by pulling it out of the water, or as it’s know around those parts, a reverse Ted Kennedy.

3. A New York man who ran naked across the field during a Buffalo Bills blowout loss was sentenced to 25 hours of community service and $400 in fines. Although the man got off easy since the other option the judge was considering was forcing him to attend another Bills game.

4. Special Counsel Robert Mueller unveiled evidence showing that former Trump campaign manager Paul Manafort violated a gag order by ghost-writing an article to bolster his public image. Although I can’t think of anything Manafort could write that would bolster his image, unless, of course, it’s his own obit.

5. Google has begun offering a new search feature that shows videos of celebrities answering commonly asked questions about themselves. For instance, Kim Kardashian claims her butt is real, Will Ferrell confirms that he can play the drums and Richard Gere says he’s never even owned a hamster.

6. Last week, Orthodox Jewish singer Yonatan Razel blindfolded himself with duct tape to avoid seeing female fans dancing in the audience. Razel’s wife called him “very religious” while Ray Charles called him “fucking ungrateful.”

7. An Arizona woman was arrested last week on suspicion of DUI after driving down the highway the wrong way, dancing on top of her car and stealing a kid’s scooter to try to make a getaway. Which explains Arizona’s new state motto; “Your move, Florida.”

8. Authorities say an Idaho man tried to crash his car into a courthouse in downtown Boise because he was upset with the court system. Which, I guess means Billy Joel was upset with his neighbor’s pool.

9. Twitter is hosting an event next month that will feature only high-profile female speakers. To prepare, Vice President Pence has already barricaded himself in his bomb shelter.

10. On Monday, chef Mario Batali announced that he is stepping away from his restaurant business and TV show amid allegations of sexual misconduct, saying he is “deeply sorry” for any pain or humiliation he has caused. That surprising story again, a guy who wears orange crocs everyday has the capacity to feel shame.

11. An Egyptian court jailed a singer for two years on Tuesday for inciting debauchery after she appeared in a music video in her underwear and suggestively eating a banana. Or, as Paris Hilton calls it, a career.

12. A 31-year-old teacher in Texas was arrested Tuesday following an alleged relationship with a minor she reportedly met while volunteering at church. But, on the plus-side, that kid is definitely gonna believe in God now.

13. On Tuesday night, Republican Senate candidate Roy Moore lost the Alabama special Senate election after riding a horse to the polling place earlier in the day. But, since this is the South, Alabama has already built a monument featuring Moore on that horse to memorialize his defeat.

14. According to reports, former-Today Show host Matt Lauer, who was fired due to sexual harassment allegations, plans to disappear from the public eye by playing golf and living in the Hamptons. So, that’ll teach him.

15. Experts say that Alabama Senate hopeful Roy Moore lost the election because of write-in candidates. That crazy story again, there are people in Alabama who can write.

16. On Wednesday, an Airbus plane in Germany, took a route that mapped out the image of a Christmas tree that could be clearly seen on flight radar sites. Upon hearing the news, Delta asked “what’s the point?” while Malaysia Airlines asked “what’s a radar?”

17. Roy Moore refused to concede the Alabama Senate race Tuesday night, saying, “God is always in control.” Adding, “Well God and Reggie Bradshaw, head of security at the Westlake Mall in Gadsen, Alabama.

18. According to reports, after being fired, Omarosa Manigault Newman had to be forcibly removed from the White House by Secret Service. Secret Service said it was a nice change of pace to drag a woman against her will AWAY from the White House:

19. A baby in the U.K., born with her heart outside her body, survived a surgery this week to insert it back into her chest. Not to be outdone, Paul Ryan has been living for 47 years without a backbone.

20. A convicted pedophile was not allowed to board a flight leaving Australia on Wednesday, when a law barring registered child sex offenders from international travel took effect. As a result, some offenders have resorted to older forms of transportation:

December 8, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to reports, President Trump’s relationship with Secretary of State Rex Tillerson never recovered after rumors surfaced that Tillerson called Trump ‘a moron.’ Much like the relationship between the President and Eric Trump never recovered after Eric called him ‘dad.’

2. President Trump’s border wall prototypes were tested this week to see if they can be climbed, broken through or gotten around. They conducted the test by putting President Trump and Melania on the same side of the wall:

3. A special performance of the off-Broadway show ‘Afterglow’ was staged on Sunday where all the performers and audience members were naked. So enjoy those warm seats, next audience.

4. Facebook on Monday rolled out Messenger Kids, an app that lets the world’s biggest social media company expand into a so-far untapped market of kids under 13. That story again, somewhere in Alabama, Roy Moore just pulled out his phone to delete Tinder and add Messenger Kids.

5. A new poll has found that 48% of Roy Moore supporters in Alabama plan to vote for the alleged-pedophile because “he’s the best person for the job.” And, if you’ve ever seen the selection of men in Alabama, they may be right:

6. The Justice Department said Wednesday it is seeking a warrant so it can seize an ancient ring believed to be trafficked by the Islamic State. And, if that doesn’t work, they’re gonna give Nic Cage a hastily drawn treasure map.

7. Last week, for the first time in the United States, a woman with a transplanted uterus gave birth. She gave birth to a healthy, six pound, eight ounce uterus.

8. According to reports, Republican Congressman Blake Farenthold settled a sexual harassment claim brought against him in 2014 with $84,000 of taxpayer money. Although, by the look of him, I’m guessing $84,000 is actually the least amount of money he’s ever had to paid for sex:

9. Earlier this week, President Trump took to Twitter to openly questions ‘Morning Joe’ host Joe Scarborough’s role in an unsolved murder. Although, if you’re gonna send Scarborough to jail for anything, it should be this:

10. According to a new book, President Trump’s meal of choice while on the campaign trail was two Big Macs, two Filet-o-Fishes and a chocolate milkshake. Begging the question, was he campaigning to become the next president or the next Grimace?:

11. Last week, Senate Democrats criticized Republicans for making last-minute, handwritten changes to the tax reform bill, hours before voting on it. And somehow those weren’t worse Republican handwritten notes that came to light last week:

12. Pizza Hut recently announced that they will begin delivering alcohol. Which seems pointless, these people are ordering Pizza Hut, clearly they’re already very drunk.

13. The Republican Party has resumed funding the Senate campaign of Roy Moore, who is accused of sexual misconduct involving teenage girls. To celebrate, Moore bought a round of Orange Julius’s for everyone at the food court.

14. Donald Trump Jr. would not tell House investigators Wednesday what he and his father discussed following a June 2016 meeting he had in Trump Tower with Russians, citing attorney-client privilege. I can tell you for sure one that that wasn’t said during that conversation, “I’m proud of you, son.”

15. Democratic Congressman John Conyers stepped down on Tuesday after multiple accusations of sexual misconduct. Although it’s not the first time someone has stepped following sexual misconduct:

16. President Donald Trump’s lawyers told a New York state judge on Tuesday that under the U.S. Constitution she had no jurisdiction over the president and therefore urged her to dismiss a defamation lawsuit. That shocking story again, the President has heard of the Constitution.

17. According to reports, Disney’s Hall of Presidents is scheduled to debut its new Donald Trump statue sometime before Christmas. “Maybe don’t bolt it down too tight,” said Robert Mueller.

18. The results of a new study found that obese people who eat almonds and chocolate every day may have lower cholesterol than their counterparts who don’t. Said one fat guy, “This is a doctor-prescribed Almond Joy.”

19. After being indicted, former Trump campaign manager Paul Manafort reportedly teamed up with a Russian operative to ghostwrite an op-ed defending himself. Begging the question, where does Trump find the time to help write an op-ed?

20. A new study found that leaving a bedroom window open may help people sleep better. “I beg to differ,” said the guy who lives next to Macklemore.

November 24, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Grocery chain Trader Joe’s is recalling several prepackaged salads after a supplier said they may contain shards of glass. “It’s tearing up my insides!” said Chris Christie eating a regular salad.

2. This week, a piece of cake from Donald Trump and Melania’s 2005 wedding sold at auction for $2,240. That unbelievable story again, there was cake left over:

3. The wife of Republican Senate candidate Roy Moore said on Friday her husband would not end his campaign in the wake of sexual misconduct allegations with teenage girls. Then Mrs. Moore excused herself because she was late for trig class.

4. Last week, a Navy pilot was reprimanded after using his fighter jet to draw a giant image of a penis in the sky over a Washington town. That story again, Louis C.K. has learned to fly.

5. New York City subway conductors have been instructed to stop addressing passengers as “ladies and gentleman” in favor of more gender-neutral terms. Instead, they will go with the more inclusive, “Hey assholes.”

6. More than a dozen women have accused actor Jeremy Piven of sexual assault spanning more than thirty years. That troubling story again, we’ve allowed Jeremy Piven to have a thirty year acting career.

7. According to reports, North Korean leader Kim Jong Un has banned his people from participating in “any gathering related to drinking, singing and other entertainment.” Luckily, since they only banned entertainment, the premiere of “Justice League” was allowed to go on as planned.

8. An Alabama inmate with a “ride or die” tattoo escaped custody for the second time in less than a month this week when he took off on an electric dirt bike. Police are looking for a white male, with a “ride or die” tattoo on a dirt bike and have narrowed their search down to every guy in Alabama.

9. According to a new study, male high school athletes have higher rates of wrist injuries. Also having higher rates of wrist injuries, all guys in high school.

10. On Wednesday, the Trump Soho Hotel in New York City announced that it will drop the ‘Trump’ name. “Wait, you can just drop the Trump name?” asked Melania.

11. This week, singer Jordan Fisher won the 25th season of “Dancing with the Stars.” You might know Fisher from the previous sentence.

12. According to report, golfer Tiger Woods is waking up without pain for the first time in three years. Begging the question, what kind of parents name their daughter “Without Pain.”

September 29, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. During a speech in Alabama last week, President Trump said, “I might have made a mistake. I’ll be honest, I might have made a mistake.” Then he brought Eric on stage.

2. During a speech in Alabama last week, President Trump said that he might have moved to Alabama or Kentucky if he lost the 2016 election because “it’s nice to go to where people love you and you love them.” Also, they tend to look the other way on certain things:

3. Last week, Angela Merkel has won a fourth term as German Chancellor. “Alright, now that bitch is just rubbing it in,” said Hillary.

4. Last Friday, President Trump promised that North Korea’s Kim Jong Un “will be tested like never before.” So, he’s gonna make him do two push-ups?

5. On Saturday, President Trump disinvited the Golden State Warriors from taking the customary championship visit to the White House. “Looks like I gotta start working on another way to get invited to the White House,” said Eric:

6. As a sign of solidarity, Stevie Wonder took a knee while the National Anthem played at a concert on Sunday. Or, more likely, someone moved Stevie’s chair without telling him.

7. This week, Health and Human Services Secretary Tom Price told Fox News that he will no longer use private jets for government business. Adding, “Is it possible to rent the Popemobile?”

8. Former U.S. Representative Anthony Weiner was sentenced to 21 months in prison on Monday for sending sexually explicit messages to a 15-year-old girl. But, on the plus side, his lawyer was able to negotiate his one jailhouse phone call into five jailhouse text messages.

9. On Monday, a man at a Sri Lankan airport was found to be carrying over two pounds of gold hidden in his rectum. So when your boyfriend tells you he “went to Jared” ask him to be more specific.

10. Researchers have discovered that some species of frogs engage in sex orgies. So it may not be easy being green but it sounds like being green makes you easy.

11. New research shows that New York City is the most popular city to have a threesome. This according to a news article that Anthony Weiner keeps sending Huma from jail.

12. After Roy Moore won Alabama’s Republican Senate runoff Tuesday night, President Trump deleted tweets where he supported Moore’s opponent Luther Strange. Wait, Trump’s known how to delete tweets this whole time?!!?!:

13. According to reports, senior advisor to the president Jared Kushner is registered to vote in New York as a woman. Presumably because there wasn’t a box for ‘douchebag.’

14. According to reports, senior advisor to the president Jared Kushner is registered to vote in New York as a woman. So I guess Trump’s cabinet was much more diverse than we thought.

15. While appearing on Megyn Kelly’s new daytime show, Lyle Menendez said he regrets what he did every day. Although I have to believe agreeing to appear on the Megyn Kelly show is quickly climbing that list of regrets.

16. On Wednesday, Paul Horner, a leading purveyor of fake news in the 2016 presidential election, died at the age of 38. Horner died doing what he loved, getting gang-raped by a group of Mexican wrestlers while he orally pleasured a donkey or at least that’s what I read in an article online.

17. According to a new study, 215 million Americans watched the solar eclipse. The last time that many people gathered to watch a dark moment, the crowd was much smaller:

18. According to reports, The Trump administration plans to admit up to 45,000 refugees to the United States next year. Whereupon they will be released into the wild and Stephen Miller will be allowed to shoot them for sport:

19. China’s latest online star uses everyday office equipment to cook pancakes, hot pot and even flame-grilled fish at her desk. “Great, maybe she can get a new job now,” said the guy in the cubicle next to her.

20. This week, Playboy founder Hugh Hefner died at the age of 91. Thus marking the first time Hefner has ever caused men to use tissues for their intended purpose.

21. This week, Playboy founder Hugh Hefner died at the age of 91. The first person to find the body was the 26-year-old blonder he was lying on top of.

22. This week, Playboy founder Hugh Hefner died at the age of 91. But, on the plus side, due to rigamortis, it’s the stiffest he’s been in years.

23. An employe of the Buffalo Bills quit after the entire team took a knee during the national anthem last weekend. Which was a nice change of pace for most Buffalo fans who are used to the Bills quitting in the middle of games.

24. Florida corrections officials said on Thursday they had no indication from O.J. Simpson that he would move to the state after his upcoming release from a Nevada prison. Although he does have a history of showing put to places unannounced, allegedly.