July 17, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Stevie Wonder told thousands of fans watching him perform in London on Saturday night he is due to have a kidney transplant in September. Even more disconcerting, he’s doing the surgery himself.

2. A couple from New York is suing a fertility clinic after a woman gave birth to other couples’ babies because of an IVF mixup. “So you’re telling me there’s a chance,” said President Trump:

3. This week, Oklahoma teens scavenging for frogs made a grisly discovery: a human leg with the shoe still attached. “Has anyone called ‘dibs’ on that shoe?” asked Heather Mills.

4. The House of Representatives voted on Tuesday to condemn President Trump for “racist comments” against four minority Democratic congresswomen. So problem solved. 

5. According to a new study, pear-shaped women are healthier than apple shaped women. But still both are still much healthier than the husbands who classified their wives as either apple or pear-shaped:

6. According to a new study, women who are more likely to develop heart disease when they carry excess fat around their midsection than when they store more fat in their hips and thighs. Which is why I now refer to him as Dr. Sir Mix-a-Lot.

7. The Steamboat Geyser in Yellowstone National Park is on track for a record number of eruptions this year. Geologists plan to slow down the eruptions by using coolant, adding salt, and getting the geyser to think about baseball.

8. Last week, Ford announced will sell a version of its Ford GT supercar for $1.2 million, but it won’t be legal to drive them on public roads.  And, in related news, the Ford Fiestas remains street-legal, although you probably shouldn’t drive them on the roads because people may see you.

9. President Donald Trump warned Iran on Wednesday against making threats that can “come back to bite you like nobody has been bitten before.” “Nobody? Really?” said the ghost of Seigfred.’’

10. According to a new study, men who eat at least two servings a week of yogurt may be lowering their risk for colorectal cancer. Begging the question, how exactly are they eating that yogurt?

11. According to a new study, during their first year of college, men gain twice as much weight as women. Which explains all of Chris Christie’s diplomas: 

12. Spanish scientists have found that frozen sperm samples are still viable after exposure to simulated space flight. Those proving there is literally no place women are safe.

13. During his Fourth of July speech, President Trump declared that the U.S. Army took over the airports during the Revolutionary War. Which I guess explains why there we no flights on July 4th. 1776.

14. A life-size rough wooden sculpture of first lady Melania Trump was unveiled near her hometown of Sevnica in southeastern Slovenia last week. I don’t have a joke for this, I just really want you to see this masterpiece:

15. President Trump said Sunday he wants members of the press to “go in and see” migrant detention centers. That story again, Trump is asking reporters to go to detention centers, or, as it’s more commonly known, a trap.

16. Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell said on Tuesday he saw no chance of the U.S. defaulting on debt payments. Begging the question, at what point do we stop underestimating President Trump?:

17. Upon noticing a a fly while giving a speech in the White House on Thursday, President Trump said “How did a fly get into the White House?” “Right back at you,” said the fly.

October 5, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. Facebook said on Friday that nearly 50 million user accounts were hacked in its worst security breach ever given the unprecedented level of potential access. “Well I guess that settles the question of who liked your friend Katie’s vacation bikini pictures,” said a very relieved husband to his wife. 

2. Students at a UK university raised money to send the school’s janitor on his first vacation in almost a decade. Not to be outdone, they also had a great ‘welcome home’ present for him:

3. According to reports, Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh once got into a bar fight with a guy he thought was the lead singer of UB40. Not to be outdone, one time Ruth Bader Ginsburg dangled Sure Knight over a balcony. 

4. In a recent interview, Donald Trump Jr. said “he fears more for his sons than for his daughters” following the Kavanaugh hearing. That’s absurd, he should fear for them equally because they both have a dipshit for a father.

5. A “Jeopardy” contestant last week made a surprised marriage proposal to his girlfriend who was sitting in the audience. But then he ruined it by going for the Daily Double: 

6. Over the weekend, actress Gwyneth Paltrow married writer Brad Falchuk. I’d wish Brad the best of luck, but I don’t think he’ll need it, as any band who’s played Coachella will tell you, it’s really easy to follow Coldplay.

7. According to reports, Bill Cosby was hit with a hot dog bun and fell down a flight of stairs during his first day in prison. And, if you think that’s bad, on his second day he was anally raped. So, in retrospect, the hot dog thing wasn’t that bad.

8. A flight from Phoenix to Boston this week was forced to make an emergency landing after a passenger allegedly refused to stop doing pull-ups using the plane’s overhead bins. That emergency landing seems stupid because if anyone belongs in Boston, it’s that guy. 

9. A group of Southern California high school students face disciplinary action after spelling out the n-word with lettered T-shirts at a senior picnic. “That’s PJ and Tobin for you,” said Brett Kavanaugh.

10. Former FBI Director James Comey expressed his approval of the reopening of the bureau’s background check into Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh, writing in a New York Times op-ed that the assigned deadline is “idiotic.” Said Comey, “The timing of this is idiotic, everyone knows you only reopen an investigation a week before an election.”

11. A new movie featuring drunk, fornicating and child-abusing priests has outraged some conservative politicians in Poland. Said Catholic priests, “That’s not how that happened, my shoes weren’t brown.”

12. After a prolonged court battle, a 5-year-old girl in California will be allowed to bring her cannabis-based medicine to school. That story again, get ready for a 5-year-old girl to bring in her hand for every show-and-tell:

13. According to reports, streaming giant Netflix will now allow users to choose how a TV episode or movie will end. So get ready to be killed off in a lot more things, Kevin Spacey.

14. According to reports, Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh was questioned by police concerning a bar fight that broke out after a UB40 concert. The worst part of that story is that fight broke out afterwards, which means the concert went on as planned first.

15. This week Ben & Jerry’s introduced its newest flavor ‘Marry Me Mint.’ “I do!” said one man:

16. A study of the African bush elephant’s vast network of deep wrinkles his found it is intricately designed to help the animals keep cool. Which explains why Keith Richards is always wearing scarves:

17. A bat was on the loose inside the Tennessee venue where President Trump held a campaign rally this week. That story again, Stephen Miller was at a campaign rally in Tennessee.

18. Thirteen people in New York were stuck in a subway elevator on Monday for one hour before police were able to rescue them. Said one of the thirteen people after being rescued, “It could have been worse,” and, then, to prove her point, she stepped onto the A train.

June 8, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. This week, ‘Cosmo’ published a story entitled “My husband loves leaving fruit in my vagina all day so he can eat it later.” Even worse, his favorite fruit is watermelon.

2. The original map of the Hundred Acre Woods from the Winnie-the-Pooh children’s stories is set to go you for auction. Or, as it will be known after EPA chief Scott Pruitt gets his hands on the map, the Two Acre Woods.

3. The original map of the Hundred Acre Wood from the Winnie-the-Pooh children’s stories is set to go you for auction, with an estimate price tag of up to $200,000. “I really could have used that map before I got very lost,” said Chris Christie:

4. First Lady Melania Trump does not plan to attend the June 12 summit in Singapore with North Korea. Said Melania, “I don’t want to be in a room with a megalomaniac world leader, with a bad haircut that I don’t sleep with. Also, I’m not that fond of Kim Jong Un either.”

5. Democrats are worried that a CNN report on Monday that they are seeking subpoena records showing that EPA director Scott Pruitt used his staff to run personal errands, including trying to buy a used mattress from the Trump International Hotel, will hinder their investigation. Although that seems unlikely, I doubt Pruitt reads the news, if he did, he probably would have looked elsewhere for a used mattress.

6. First Lady Melania Trump, who has not been seen publicly for the past 24 days, attended an official White House event with President Donald Trump Monday afternoon. Or, as it’s more commonly known, proof of life.

7. A White House contractor wanted by police on an attempted first-degree murder charge was arrested as he came into work on Tuesday. The most shocking part of that story is that he was only a contractor and a not a full-time employee of the Trump White House.

8. A single parking space sold for $760,000 in Hong Kong this week. “No need,” said Billy Joel:

9. Wednesday was the 74-year anniversary of D-Day. Of course, if your friends with Anthony Weiner online, every day is D-Day:

10. According to a new government report, internet use by Americans increased in 2017, fueled by a rise among people with lower incomes. Well, party’s over, guess we gotta stop talking shit about poor people on here.

11. Scientists seeking new ways to fight drug-resistant superbugs have mapped the genomes of more than 3,000 bacteria, including samples of a bug taken from Alexander Fleming’s nose and a dysentery-causing strain from a World War One soldier. “I never thought I’d be so jealous of a guy who pulled a bug out of another guy’s nose,” said the scientist who had to study dysentery.

12. On Wednesday, President Trump took to Twitter to deny rumors that his wife Melania had a facelift. In fact, Melania is so against facelifts of any kind that she doesn’t even smile:

13. A new study found that transplanting bacteria from the feces of healthy people into a person’s intestines is just as effective as many antibiotic treatments. But, the pills are much harder to swallow.

14. On Sunday, Rudy Giuliani said that President Trump probably has the power to pardon himself. “Well, he has ample practice taking care of his own needs,” said Melania.

15. During an interview with CNN this week, White House advisor Kellyanne Conway accidentally referred to President Trump as “the commander in cheese.” But in Conway’s defense, Trump and American cheese have a lot in common, they are both orange, completely artificial, and will never get inside of Melania.

April 20, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. CIA Director Mike Pompeo made a secret visit to North Korea over Easter weekend and met with North Korean leader Kim Jong Un. The two discussed important matters including denuclearizing North Korea, escalating tensions with South Korea, and wider shirt collars:

2. Toyota plans to start selling cars that can talk to each other using short-range wireless technology by 2021. They will be able to relay messages like “Move aside,” “Slow down ahead” and “Everyone look out, Caitlyn Jenner is driving me.”

3. An 18-year-old has started a GoFundMe so he can achieve his dream of taking a bath in KFC gravy. “You gotta dream bigger,” said Chris Christie:

4. On Tuesday, former First Lady Barbara Bush died at the age of 92. She is survived by by her husband, the 41st President of the United States, the 43rd Vice President of the United States, a former Congressman and director of the CIA, George H.W. Bush, her son, the 43rd President of the United States and former Governor of Texas, George W. Bush and Jeb.

5. President Trump’s personal lawyer was forced on Monday to reveal in court that Fox News personality Sean Hannity was also one of his clients. Finally answering the question, how bad are your other clients that you’re willing to be known as “Donald Trump’s lawyer”?

6. Senator Tammy Duckworth made history on Thursday as she became the first senator to cast a vote on the Senate floor with her newborn by her side. Although it’s not the first time a baby has been on the floor of the Senate:

7. After being suspended for violating the NFL’s performance-enhancing drug policy on Friday, former New York Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez said, “I have never cheated or attempted to gain a competitive advantage.” And, you know what, I believe him:

8. Police in Kentucky say that mice are responsible for the disappearance of 1,200 ponds of marijuana. I hope that works out better for them than when my mom found my weed and I claimed it was the dog’s.

9. In James Comey’s new memoir, the former-FBI Director says President Trump is “untethered to truth.” But, that’s only because Trump only owns one tether and he’s already using it:

10. A new yoga class is being offered in New York City where people exercise with goats. “Wow, this place smells awful,” said every New Yorker, all the time, everywhere.

11. It was revealed in court on Monday that Donald Trump’s personal lawyer Michael Cohen also represents Fox News host Sean Hannity. Setting up the most impossible ‘marry, fuck, kill’ ever.

12. Monday night, in response to Michael Cohen revealing that Sean Hannity is his client, Hannity played a clip on his TV show of multiple newscasters saying his name over and over again. Which, coincidentally, is the only way Hannity can climax.

13. The reporter who uncovered the Bill O’Reilly sexual harassment cover-up scandal received a Pulitzer Prize on Monday for her work. Luckily the Pulitzer comes with a trophy, a cash prize and a lifetime supply of Purell.

14. New York’s attorney general on Wednesday asked Governor Andrew Cuomo to give him the power to bring criminal charges against people pardoned by President Trump. In response, President Trump pardoned Hillary.

15. President Donald Trump has requested an extension for filing his 2017 income tax return. Asked why he delayed paying his taxes, President Trump said, “I don’t want to give my money to this incompetent administration.”

16. Saudi Arabia launched its first movie theater on Wednesday, ending a nearly 40-year ban on cinemas. And, somehow the floors were already sticky.

17. White House national security adviser John Bolton told Russia’s ambassador on Thursday that better relations between the two countries required addressing U.S. concerns on election meddling, a chemical attack in Britain, and the situations in Ukraine and Syria. Then his Russian-counterpart said, “Yeah, I don’t think so”:

18. In his recently released book, former FBI head James Comey compared President Trump to a mob boss. But, instead of sleeping with the fishes, Trump falls asleep after Filet-o-Fishes.

March 30, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. President Trump on Tuesday ordered an end to special legal status for certain immigrants from Liberia. Said Trump, “They don’t deserve special status just because they’re around books all day.”

2. President Trump announced Wednesday he will replace his Veterans Affairs Secretary David Shulkin with White House physician Ronny Jackson. Which is definitely a promotion, because any job where you no longer have to see Trump naked is a promotion.

3. Last week, President Trump said he would like to be interviewed by Special Counsel Robert Mueller. Adding, “As long as his first question isn’t ‘How do you spell Special Counsel’”:

4. Craigslist announced on Friday that it will no longer operate its personal ads section, the part of the website that allowed individuals to meetup. So now you’ll have to find a new way to be murdered by a stranger.

5. This week, a Patek Philippe watch once owned by Egypt’s King Farouk sold for $912,500 at a Christie’s auction in Dubai. Unfortunately that’s not a payday that President Trump can cash in on, since he doesn’t wear a watch to tell time, instead he just looks directly at the sun:

6. A New York State court on Thursday rejected Lindsay Lohan’s appeal accusing the maker of “Grand Theft Auto V” of invading her privacy, concluding that video game character that the actress said was based on her did not resemble her. The deciding factor was the character in the video game was still relevant.

7. More than 140 whales died on Friday after being stranded on a beach in Australia. And yet, somehow, that’s still not the most blubber ever spotted on the beach:

8. NASCAR was forced to postpone its scheduled race on Sunday due to snow. It is the first time NASCAR had to cancel an event because things were too white.

9. It was alleged in a recent interview, that an unnamed actress bit Beyoncé on the face. Or, as Seal calls it, the start of her career:

10. According to reports, President Trump is denying that he had an affair with porn star Stormy Daniels by saying she’s not his type. Which I guess means she has a small bladder.

11. In the wake of the Story Daniels allegations, people in D.C. have reportedly taken to calling President Trump “Spanky” behind his back. Which, considering the view, is one of the nicer names you could call him:

12. On Tuesday, White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders suggested that President Trump hasn’t responded to Stormy Daniels claims because the president can’t respond to every allegation as “has a country to run.” Yes, clearly he’s focusing on the important issues:

13. President Trump, speaking before a crowd of union builders on Thursday in Ohio, said he’s better at being president than he was at being a builder. So if you live in a Trump building, get out quick!

14. According to inside sources, investigators probing whether Donald Trump’s presidential campaign colluded with Russia have been questioning witnesses about events at the 2016 Republican National Convention. Said Trump, “You can’t prove I was there”:

February 2, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to reports, President Trump is considering firing Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein. “I don’t like that sound of that,” said Steve Bannon upon hearing Rosenstein’s last name.

2. Connie Sawyer, the oldest working actress in Hollywood, died this week at the age of 105. Ironically, at the time of her death, she was wearing a ‘Times Up’ button.

3. Pop singer Justin Timberlake, speaking Thursday at an NFL news conference to promote his Super Bowl halftime performance, said that his son will never play football. “Welcome to the club” said Tim Tebow’s father.

4. Before the State of the Union Tuesday night, breaking with tradition, President Trump and First Lady Melania Trump came into the Capitol Building separately. Although it is a relationship tradition for them to cum separately.

5. According to testimony given before the Senate Intelligence Committee, Russian government-linked trolls created 129 Facebook events between 2015 and 2017. Even worse, 123 of those events were improv shows.

6. An Illinois lawmaker on Thursday proposed a bill that would ban tackle football in youth sports before age 12. I’m pretty sure they already have that ban in Cleveland:

7. Last week, President Trump ‘Liked’ a Wall Street Journal tweet that accused his friend Steve Wynn of sexual assault. But, in Trump’s defense, he only ‘Liked’ the tweet because Twitter doesn’t have a ‘Loved’ button.

8. According to a new study, women with overactive bladders who take medication to address the problem may feel the urge to urinate less often. In response, President Trump has outlawed that drug.

9. Fox has reportedly agreed to pay more than $3 billion to air Thursday night National Football League games on the Fox broadcast network for the next five seasons. It may seem like an odd fit, but Fox does have plenty of experience broadcasting people with obvious brain injuries:

10. While in Davos, President Trump met with the President of Rwanda, just a week after referring to African countries as “shit holes.” Said Trump about the meeting, “I think Ben Carson lost some weight.”

11. In a recent interview, President Trump said he wouldn’t call himself a feminist. So that settles it, there’s not a single person in the world who would call Donald Trump a feminist.

12. A corruption case involving the mayor of Allentown, Pennsylvania appears to hinge on the meaning of the word “meatballs” that appears in multiple emails, which the defense claims is code for payoffs. If that’s the case, Chris Christie better lawyer up.

13. In a recent interview, President Trump revealed that sometimes he tweets from bed. After which, since he and Melania have separate bedrooms, Trump is forced to retweet himself.

14. This week, a seven-year-old boy was arrested in Florida for punching his teacher. But, in his defense, in Florida it is legal to punch anyone who tries to teach you something.

15. President Donald Trump on Monday charged the new U.S. health secretary with bringing down drug prices. Specifically, Propecia and Viagra.

16. President Donald Trump’s attorneys are arguing that special counsel Robert Mueller’s team has not met the high threshold they believe is needed to interview a president in person. Ah, yes, a very high threshold indeed:

17. During the State of the Union, President Trump said he will focus on prison reform this upcoming year. “That’s great, I’d like a cell with a view,” said Jared.

18. While trying to touch a note of unity and bipartisanship, during his State of the Union speech Tuesday night President Trump said, “We all share the same home.” “Don’t remind me,” said Melania.

November 24, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Grocery chain Trader Joe’s is recalling several prepackaged salads after a supplier said they may contain shards of glass. “It’s tearing up my insides!” said Chris Christie eating a regular salad.

2. This week, a piece of cake from Donald Trump and Melania’s 2005 wedding sold at auction for $2,240. That unbelievable story again, there was cake left over:

3. The wife of Republican Senate candidate Roy Moore said on Friday her husband would not end his campaign in the wake of sexual misconduct allegations with teenage girls. Then Mrs. Moore excused herself because she was late for trig class.

4. Last week, a Navy pilot was reprimanded after using his fighter jet to draw a giant image of a penis in the sky over a Washington town. That story again, Louis C.K. has learned to fly.

5. New York City subway conductors have been instructed to stop addressing passengers as “ladies and gentleman” in favor of more gender-neutral terms. Instead, they will go with the more inclusive, “Hey assholes.”

6. More than a dozen women have accused actor Jeremy Piven of sexual assault spanning more than thirty years. That troubling story again, we’ve allowed Jeremy Piven to have a thirty year acting career.

7. According to reports, North Korean leader Kim Jong Un has banned his people from participating in “any gathering related to drinking, singing and other entertainment.” Luckily, since they only banned entertainment, the premiere of “Justice League” was allowed to go on as planned.

8. An Alabama inmate with a “ride or die” tattoo escaped custody for the second time in less than a month this week when he took off on an electric dirt bike. Police are looking for a white male, with a “ride or die” tattoo on a dirt bike and have narrowed their search down to every guy in Alabama.

9. According to a new study, male high school athletes have higher rates of wrist injuries. Also having higher rates of wrist injuries, all guys in high school.

10. On Wednesday, the Trump Soho Hotel in New York City announced that it will drop the ‘Trump’ name. “Wait, you can just drop the Trump name?” asked Melania.

11. This week, singer Jordan Fisher won the 25th season of “Dancing with the Stars.” You might know Fisher from the previous sentence.

12. According to report, golfer Tiger Woods is waking up without pain for the first time in three years. Begging the question, what kind of parents name their daughter “Without Pain.”

August 3, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. President Trump on Wednesday called the Russia sanctions bill he signed into law “significantly flawed.” Although, by now, you’d think Trump would be used to putting his name on things that are significantly flawed:

2. A new product lets men seal their urethras shut before sex to prevent pregnancy. It’s perfect for any guy who’s ever thought: Man, condoms are annoying, I’d rather just put some glue in my pee-hole.

3. According to a new study, smart people are more likely to stereotype others. Wow, this whole time I thought I was just a hateful bigot, turns out, I’m a genius.

4. The Natural History Museum in London is changing a dinosaur display after a 10-year-old boy pointed out an error. It’s crazy that at just 10-years-old you can already tell that he’s gonna be a virgin well into his 30’s.

5. Former White House communications director Anthony Scaramucci told ‘The Huffington Post’ that he still hadn’t met his newborn son, eight days after his birth. “That’s nothing,” said Trump, “I’ve been told Barron is like nine or ten years old already.”

6. Former White House communications director Anthony Scaramucci told ‘The Huffington Post’ that he still hadn’t met his newborn son, eight days after his birth. But, in Mooch’s defense, I’m sure he needs a little break from taking care of babies:

7. According to reports, Donald Trump almost played the president in ‘Sharknado 3,’ but ultimately the movie decided against it. That story again, the producers of a movie about flying sharks thought a President Trump was a step too far.

8. According to reports, President Trump is trying to impress new Chief of Staff John Kelly “by acting sharper in meetings and even rattling off stats.” Said Trump, “Did you know the human head weighs eight pounds?”

9. A man was arrested yesterday after he allegedly broke into a New Jersey home, took off all his clothes and began washing dishes. Which, coincidentally, are two things my wife refuses to do.

10. In a new interview, actress Sofia Vergara said she can’t do pushups because of her “gigantic boobs.” “Ditto,” said Chris Christie.

August 1, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Yesterday, just ten days into his term as White House communications director, Anthony Scaramucci was fired. Crazy to think that the most stable and secure job in this whole administration is as Trump’s wife.

2. Former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer was spotted on a date Monday night with a mysterious blonde at Nobu. According to reports, the bill came to $570, no word on how much the dinner cost.

3. According to ‘The Washington Post,’ Joe Biden still wants to be president. “What a coincidence, looks like we’re gonna have an opening real soon,” said Bob Mueller.

4. New Jersey Governor Chris Christie was caught on video confronting a fan at a Chicago Cubs fan while carrying a basket of nachos. Here’s the craziest part, Wrigley Field doesn’t even sell nachos. He brought those fuckers from home, those are road nachos:

5. On Monday, President Trump said his administration will “handle” North Korea. Which isn’t surprising, we all know how much Trump likes to brag about how he ‘handles’ things:

6. This week, the reigning MLB champion Chicago Cubs gave a personalized World Series ring to infamous Cubs fan Steve Bartman. And, if giving a championship ring to a notorious fan when the team wins becomes a trend, Spike Lee can expect to get a ring never.

7. After being fired as White House communications director, Anthony Scaramucci had to be escorted off White House grounds by security yesterday. Scaramucci’s last officials words as communications director were “Hey, watch the suit.”

8. On Monday, the 2028 Summer Olympic Games were awarded to Los Angeles. So, great news Lakers fans, you’re only eleven years away from seeing watchable basketball again.

9. Representative John Delaney became the first Democrat to formally enter the 2020 presidential campaign, challenging President Trump more than 1,100 days ahead of the election. 1,100 days is a long time, or, as it is measured around the White House, six more chiefs of staff and 110 more communications directors.

10. ‘The New York Post’ is reporting that Macaulay Culkin and Paris Jackson got matching tattoos. The tattoos say “This is where Michael touched me.”

July 25, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Somalia’s al-Shabab extremist group called President Trump a “brainless billionaire” in a new video. In response, President Trump said, “Thank you for calling me a billionaire.”

2. In a new interview, President Trump said “I love balloons, okay? Like you have no idea how much I love balloons.” Well, there is an undeniable attraction between the two:

3. According to reports, President Trump is considering replacing Attorney General Jeff Sessions with former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani. Despite Chris Christie’s best efforts:

4. According to reports, President Trump is considering replacing Attorney General Jeff Sessions with former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani. Because apparently Trump thinks the job has a height requirement:

5. There is a 91-year-old airline mechanic who still works on planes at JFK Airport. Well, he doesn’t so much work on planes, as he looks over other mechanic’s shoulders while they’re working and says, “That’s not how Wilbur and Orville did it.”

6. The University of South Alabama’s football practice facility collapsed Saturday in Mobile, during construction. As opposed to the Atlanta Falcons, who usually wait until the fourth quarter to collapse.

7. According to a new study, a quarter of Americans think the sun goes around the Earth. Really, I would have guessed that number was a little higher:

8. 10. Over the weekend, Kellyanne Conway defended President Trump’s lies by saying, “He doesn’t think he’s lying.” Which is reminiscent of Johnny Cochran’s famous, ‘What is murder, anyway?’ defense.

9. New White House communications director Anthony Scaramucci said he wants Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders to continue to use the hair and make-up people she used on Friday, presumably because Scaramucci thought she looked good. “Maybe if you had said nice things like that about me I wouldn’t have quit,” said Sean Spicer.

10. A Florida sheriff’s deputy has been fired after authorities say he took partially naked photos of himself while on duty at the county courthouse. Even worse, from the look of the pictures, right before he snapped them, someone said “all rise.”