August 1, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Yesterday, just ten days into his term as White House communications director, Anthony Scaramucci was fired. Crazy to think that the most stable and secure job in this whole administration is as Trump’s wife.

2. Former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer was spotted on a date Monday night with a mysterious blonde at Nobu. According to reports, the bill came to $570, no word on how much the dinner cost.

3. According to ‘The Washington Post,’ Joe Biden still wants to be president. “What a coincidence, looks like we’re gonna have an opening real soon,” said Bob Mueller.

4. New Jersey Governor Chris Christie was caught on video confronting a fan at a Chicago Cubs fan while carrying a basket of nachos. Here’s the craziest part, Wrigley Field doesn’t even sell nachos. He brought those fuckers from home, those are road nachos:

5. On Monday, President Trump said his administration will “handle” North Korea. Which isn’t surprising, we all know how much Trump likes to brag about how he ‘handles’ things:

6. This week, the reigning MLB champion Chicago Cubs gave a personalized World Series ring to infamous Cubs fan Steve Bartman. And, if giving a championship ring to a notorious fan when the team wins becomes a trend, Spike Lee can expect to get a ring never.

7. After being fired as White House communications director, Anthony Scaramucci had to be escorted off White House grounds by security yesterday. Scaramucci’s last officials words as communications director were “Hey, watch the suit.”

8. On Monday, the 2028 Summer Olympic Games were awarded to Los Angeles. So, great news Lakers fans, you’re only eleven years away from seeing watchable basketball again.

9. Representative John Delaney became the first Democrat to formally enter the 2020 presidential campaign, challenging President Trump more than 1,100 days ahead of the election. 1,100 days is a long time, or, as it is measured around the White House, six more chiefs of staff and 110 more communications directors.

10. ‘The New York Post’ is reporting that Macaulay Culkin and Paris Jackson got matching tattoos. The tattoos say “This is where Michael touched me.”

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