February 3, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. President Trump said on Monday the United States and China were in close contact regarding the newly identified coronavirus outbreak. “Close contact? Be careful, you might contract something,” said China:

 2. Last week, scientists discovered four new species of sharks that walk. Scientists made this discovery by showing the movie “Cats” to a bunch of sharks and watching them walk out of the theater. 

3. ‘Rolling Stone’ reported this week that during a listening party for his new record, singer Justin Bieber cried during the album’s playback. Crying because you’re being forced to listen to Justin Bieber music is the most relatable Justin Bieber has ever been. 

4. London’s first cheese-themed hotel opened last week. There are only rooms for one, because if your lifestyle makes you want to sleep in a cheese hotel, you’re probably provolone. 

5. NASA recently announced that it wants to put a female astronaut on the moon by 2024. While Mike Pence wants to put all women there by 2025.

6. Author Mary Higgins Clark, known as the ‘Queen of Suspense,’ died on Friday at the age of 92. Or did she? 

7. Doctors have issued a warning telling young men not to masturbate using banana peels, which has become a trend circulating on social media. Otherwise you may find out just how curious George really is.

8. Former National Security Adviser John Bolton has announced that his forthcoming tell-all book will be called “The Room Where It Happened: A White House Memoir.” It will be the first book told entirely from the Presidential bathroom. 

9. Democratic presidential candidate Michael Bloomberg has already spend over a quarter of a billion dollars on campaign ads. It’s all part of Bloomberg’s plan to be more omni-present and annoying than Flo from Progressive. 

10. Border agents arrested a 36-year-old US citizen this week after finding 222 pounds of liquid meth in his truck. To give you an idea, this is what 222 pounds of meth looks like:

11. A man in China recently ate several live eels in an attempt to cure his constipation. “No matter how this ends, it’s gonna be my problem” said the aquarium’s janitor.

12. Last week, it was announced on Twitter that Mr. Peanut, the 104-year old mascot of the Planters snack food company, has died. Although the timing of his death is suspicious since it came so quickly after the release of this photo:

13. An ad appearing in the Waze navigation app is misdirecting motorists trying to get to Atlantic City’s Borgata Casino into the wilderness of New Jersey instead. The ad is actually from the Borgata, specifically the casino’s collections department:

14. Soccer star Megan Rapinoe recently appeared on the cover of ‘Sports Illustrated’ wearing a dress and holding a sledgehammer. “So it was the swimsuit edition,” said lesbians.

15. Last week on Twitter, actor David Schwimmer proposed a reboot of ‘Friends’ featuring an all African American cast. During the first episode Gunther calls the cops on the six black people for loitering in the coffee shop. 

16. Last week on Twitter, actor David Schwimmer proposed a reboot of ‘Friends’ featuring an all African American cast. Great news, we already have our Rachel:

17. Tinder is adding new safety features, including a panic button that alerts safety authorities if something goes wrong during a date. That’s crazy because it implies that something could go right on a Tinder date.

18. “Doctor Who” made history with its first ever black Doctor, who was revealed during Sunday night’s episode. Unfortunately it was Dr. Conrad Murray:

19. Twitter said on Monday accounts of several NFL teams, including the San Francisco 49ers and Kansas City Chiefs, were hacked, ahead of the Super Bowl. And apparently the Cleveland Browns:

20. President Trump tweeted in Arabic and Hebrew this week to promote his new Middle East peace deal. Begging the question, how can you even tell in Trump’s tweets are in a different language:

21. According to reports, Queen Elizabeth initially wanted to demote Prince Harry to an Earl upon hearing his decision to leave the Royal Family. “Vicious burn!” said the whitest people you know. 

22. A woman was arrested last week after attempting to sneak into the U.S. from Canada by running through a library that straddles the border between Quebec and Vermont. Police suspected she wasn’t American because she was in a library.

June 8, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. This week, ‘Cosmo’ published a story entitled “My husband loves leaving fruit in my vagina all day so he can eat it later.” Even worse, his favorite fruit is watermelon.

2. The original map of the Hundred Acre Woods from the Winnie-the-Pooh children’s stories is set to go you for auction. Or, as it will be known after EPA chief Scott Pruitt gets his hands on the map, the Two Acre Woods.

3. The original map of the Hundred Acre Wood from the Winnie-the-Pooh children’s stories is set to go you for auction, with an estimate price tag of up to $200,000. “I really could have used that map before I got very lost,” said Chris Christie:

4. First Lady Melania Trump does not plan to attend the June 12 summit in Singapore with North Korea. Said Melania, “I don’t want to be in a room with a megalomaniac world leader, with a bad haircut that I don’t sleep with. Also, I’m not that fond of Kim Jong Un either.”

5. Democrats are worried that a CNN report on Monday that they are seeking subpoena records showing that EPA director Scott Pruitt used his staff to run personal errands, including trying to buy a used mattress from the Trump International Hotel, will hinder their investigation. Although that seems unlikely, I doubt Pruitt reads the news, if he did, he probably would have looked elsewhere for a used mattress.

6. First Lady Melania Trump, who has not been seen publicly for the past 24 days, attended an official White House event with President Donald Trump Monday afternoon. Or, as it’s more commonly known, proof of life.

7. A White House contractor wanted by police on an attempted first-degree murder charge was arrested as he came into work on Tuesday. The most shocking part of that story is that he was only a contractor and a not a full-time employee of the Trump White House.

8. A single parking space sold for $760,000 in Hong Kong this week. “No need,” said Billy Joel:

9. Wednesday was the 74-year anniversary of D-Day. Of course, if your friends with Anthony Weiner online, every day is D-Day:

10. According to a new government report, internet use by Americans increased in 2017, fueled by a rise among people with lower incomes. Well, party’s over, guess we gotta stop talking shit about poor people on here.

11. Scientists seeking new ways to fight drug-resistant superbugs have mapped the genomes of more than 3,000 bacteria, including samples of a bug taken from Alexander Fleming’s nose and a dysentery-causing strain from a World War One soldier. “I never thought I’d be so jealous of a guy who pulled a bug out of another guy’s nose,” said the scientist who had to study dysentery.

12. On Wednesday, President Trump took to Twitter to deny rumors that his wife Melania had a facelift. In fact, Melania is so against facelifts of any kind that she doesn’t even smile:

13. A new study found that transplanting bacteria from the feces of healthy people into a person’s intestines is just as effective as many antibiotic treatments. But, the pills are much harder to swallow.

14. On Sunday, Rudy Giuliani said that President Trump probably has the power to pardon himself. “Well, he has ample practice taking care of his own needs,” said Melania.

15. During an interview with CNN this week, White House advisor Kellyanne Conway accidentally referred to President Trump as “the commander in cheese.” But in Conway’s defense, Trump and American cheese have a lot in common, they are both orange, completely artificial, and will never get inside of Melania.

February 9, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. A financial analyst told CNBC Wednesday that Donald Trump runs the U.S. like a family business. Begging the question, can an entire family be Fredo?

2. Yesterday, while speaking about the legal challenges to his immigration ban, President Trump said that even a “bad high school student” would rule in his favor. And now, thanks to Betsy DeVos, that’s the only kid of high school student we’ll have.

3. The recently released memoirs of Judy Garland’s ex-husband, Sid Luft, claim the child star was groped by Munchkins on the set of The Wizard Of Oz. It’s beginning to sound like it’s a tiny hands thing:
trump-tiny-hands

4. The popular app Pokemon GO announced that they will be holding a Valentine’s Day in-game event. Said the app’s creators, “We’re fairly certain that our users won’t have plans that night.”

5. Funeral directors in Quebec are trying to curtail people from taking corpse selfies at funerals and posting them on social media. That story again, if you see Larry King, just ask for his autograph.

6. Nineteen rabbis were arrested Monday night outside a Trump hotel in New York City while protesting the President’s immigration ban. Chuck Schumer called the arrests “a disgrace” while Steve Bannon called them “a good start.”

7. Carey McWilliams of North Dakota has become the first totally blind person in the country to acquire a concealed-carry permit. Because the only thing that can stop a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun politely asking the bad guy with a gun where exactly he is in the room.

8. Dozens of topless women demonstrated in Buenos Aires on Tuesday to demand the right to sunbathe semi-nude. Begging the question, did George Soros pay those protestors in ones?

9. A family in Bangladesh has been arrested after using a fake penis to trick villagers into believing a genie had performed a sex change on their teenage daughter. Although, if I were the police I would have waited a day or two before making that arrest just to see what the next step in that plan was.

10. During CNN’s Town Hall Tuesday night, Ted Cruz awkwardly congratulated a woman with multiple sclerosis multiple times. But, in Cruz’s defense, he was congratulating her on not having whatever disease that makes Cruz act and look like that.