Monologue Jokes – March 3, 2020

1. This week McDonald’s announced that it will sell a limited edition six-pack of candles that smell like Quarter Pounder ingredients including ketchup, pickles, cheese, onion and beef. So, your move, Gwyneth Paltrow’s vagina. 

2. A man in Wisconsin was arrested last week for allegedly stealing chicken wings and condoms from a Walmart. He was either planning one hell of a night or I’ve been eating chicken wings wrong. 

3. Officials at a library in California are upset after recently discovering that an adult film was shot in the building. And if they’re upset by that, maybe they shouldn’t check the library computer’s search history. 

4. Last week, a U.K. patient underwent brain surgery while playing a violin. Look, if I want to listen to a musician with a brain injury play an instrument, I’d go to a Ted Nugent concert.

5. This week, Democratic presidential candidate Mike Bloomberg revealed, that even though his mother passed away several years ago at the age of 102, he still pays for her home’s phone line so he can call and hear her voice on the answering machine. Because nothing’s more relatable with today’s electorate than needless expenses and landlines. 

6. This week, Democratic presidential candidate Mike Bloomberg revealed, that even though his mother passed away several years ago at the age of 102, he still pays for her home’s phone line so he can call and hear her voice on the answering machine. He’s also opened up a quaint bed and breakfast with her as well:

7. According to reports, former Hollywood producer Harvey Weinstein was in good spirits on Tuesday, as he accepted visitors at a Manhattan hospital, despite having been convicted a day earlier of sexual assault and rape. Said an elated Weinstein, “All I have to do is press this button and legally the nurse has to give me a sponge bath.” 

8. A soccer player in France has been suspended for five years after biting the penis of an opponent during an altercation after a match. He was also given a red card for using his hands to cup the balls.

9. It was reported this week that Steven Spielberg’s daughter Mikaela is making pornographic movies. “Oh God, that’s awful. Why would anyone put that on film?” said people after watching ‘Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull.’ 

10. According to a new study, erectile dysfunction pills can permanently distort one’s vision. “His or mine?” said a very hopeful Melania.

11. Three dolphins have been shot or stabbed in Florida since May. Police have named their top suspect, a Ray Finkle: 

12. During a rally, President Donald Trump ridiculed South Korean film “Parasite” winning the Best Picture Oscar, telling a campaign rally he wished for the return of Hollywood classics like “Gone with the Wind.” And you know Trump really hated that movie if he’s taking the side of wind:

13. On Wednesday, the Broadway play “To Kill a Mockingbird” was performed at Madison Square Garden for 18,000 public school students. “Oh, thank God!” said the students once they realized they were watching a three-hour long play based on a book written in the 1950s about race relations and not the Knicks.

14. Disney has announced a new partnership with the plant-based meat company Impossible Foods to offer the Impossible Burger at their resorts and parks. “Just in time,” said Eeyore:

15. A man in Florida was recently arrested at an IHOP restaurant for allegedly asking customers if they wanted to see his genitals. “But I asked this time?!?!?!” said a very confused Louis CK.

16. Despite potentially facing more than two decades in prison, Harvey Weinstein is “not giving up on life,” according to his spokesman. “Man, this guy really is bad at taking ‘No’ for an answer,” said Life.

17. Doctors are warning that putting potatoes up your butt won’t cure hemorrhoids. So I guess it was something else that cured my hemorrhoids.

18. This week, President Trump appointed Vice President Mike Pence to lead the federal task force to get to the bottom of the coronavirus. And, in future news, the coronavirus is caused by gays.

19. According to a spokesman, after his conviction, Harvey Weinstein is going “stir crazy” sitting in his hospital room. But, in Weinstein defense, you’d be pretty stir crazy too if you were trapped in a room with just Harvey Weinstein.

January 20, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. Madame Tussauds waxwork museum in London announced last week that it had removed figures of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle from their royal exhibit. The last time a room full of royals cleared out that quickly the Queen ripped a mean one. 

2. Actress Gwyneth Paltrow is selling a candle that she claims smells like her vagina. And if you purchase that candle you can expect to hear a lot of questions like ‘Why did you buy this?’ and ‘How did this happen?’ and ‘Are you cooking fish?’ 

3. Boxer Tyson Fury revealed this week that he has been preparing for an upcoming fight by masturbating seven times a day. So, yeah, that’s not a spit bucket. 

4. Boxer Tyson Fury revealed this week that he has been preparing for an upcoming fight by masturbating seven times a day. Begging the question, who is my thirteen-year-old nephew training to fight? 

5. Five California mountain lions were seen together on home surveillance video this week. It’s the most disturbing grouping of large cats since:

6. A German Shepherd in North Carolina gave birth to a green puppy last week. “I know what you’re thinking,” said the family’s pet turtle. 

7. Chris Beart, the rapper who cut off his own penis before jumping off a two-story building in 2014, recently got married. Said the groomsman who disapproved of the marriage, “This is going to be the second worst decision you’ve ever made.”

8. A new study found no strong evidence linking baby powder to ovarian cancer. Great news for LeBron James’ ovaries:

9. Prince Harry and Meghan Markle announced last week that they will be “stepping back” from their role as royals, moving to America, and “will work to become financially independent.” That story again, Harry will be answering to a new King:

10. Last week, a Florida man pled guilty to a trafficking scheme in which live water monitor lizards were concealed inside electronic equipment and smuggled from the Philippines into the U.S. Which explains why my fax machine just ate my cat.

11. Police in Florida are seeking help locating a burglar who broke into a house and told the owners he was “there to suck toes.” That story again, Quentin Tarantino is apparently scouting filming locations in Florida.

12. Scientists recently conducted a study in which they put 3D glasses on cuttlefish and showed them film clips. The study found that if you put 3D glasses on cuttlefish for a long enough period you’ll lose your job as a scientist.

13. Last week, Georgia authorities say a man broke into a Taco Bell restaurant, prepared food, and took a nap inside. The man made a meal and took a nap or, as President Trump refers to it, a full workday.

14. According to a new study, older people who frequent art galleries and museums and attend the theater may live longer than those who don’t. “Strongly disagree?” said the ghost of Lincoln.

15. It was revealed this week that the New York Public Library’s most checked-out book of all time is the children’s book “The Snowy Day.” While the Library’s least checked-out book, “The Erotic Tales of Wilford Brimley.”

16. Monday night, the LSU Tigers beat the Clemson Tigers 42-25 to win the college football National Championship. It’s the first time a tiger beat itself since:

17. According to a new study, Mars is losing water quicker than expected. That story again, Mars is still more inhabitable than Flint, Michigan.

18. On Monday, the Cleveland Browns named Kevin Stefanski their new head coach because, I assume, he was the last one to say ‘Not it.’

19. A Florida woman was arrested this week for building a bomb in a Walmart from items she found in the store. So, just one item?:

20. Last week, a man asked a court to grant his motion for trial by combat so he can meet his ex-wife and her attorney “on the field of battle.” “Hey at least I asked the court ahead of time this time,” said O.J.

February 4, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. The NFL is looking into a report that a laser pointer was aimed at New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady during the AFC Championship game last month. Which would explain why Brady was sacked three times by Mr. Whiskers:

2. Rudy Giuliani recently told ‘The New Yorker’ that he’s worried that his tombstone will read “Rudy Giuliani, he lied for Trump.” Which is still better than what it would have said before he took the job:

3. A rare book owned by Adolf Hitler, acquired by Canada’s national archive, allegedly contains a detailed blueprint for a North American Holocaust. That story again Steve Bannon’s upcoming memoir is likely to have some copyright issues. 

4. The search engine Bing was blocked in China on Wednesday. Okay, that explains why no one in China uses Bing, but what about literally every where else?

5. A Utah man has sued actress Gwyneth Paltrow for $3.1 million, claiming she slammed into him on a ski slope in 2016, breaking four of his ribs and knocking him unconscious. He is suing for $2 million for the physical harm the accident caused and $1.1 million for the mental damage caused by watching ‘Mortdecai’:

6. In a recent interview, President Trump said he would have a hard time letting his son Barron play football. Well, actually, his exact words were, “I have a son named Barron?”

7. According to a new study, most hobbyist rock climbers lack the basic rescue skills needed to save themselves in dangerous situations. And also the basic skills to dress themselves:

8. Last week, after pleading guilty to a harassment charge, actor Alec Baldwin agreed to take anger-management training. While Stephen Baldwin agreed to take Kinko’s management training.

9. A new study found that hundreds of keyless cars are vulnerable to high-tech auto theft. Meanwhile the keys to a 2015 Nissan Ultra have been left in the driver-side door for the past three days and not one person has tried to steal it.

10. Thailand’s Ministry of Education has ordered all schools in Bangkok to close for the remainder of the week due to dangerous levels of air pollution. When asked to comment, U.S. Secretary of Eduction, Betsy Devos said, “There’s place called Bangkok?”

11. Stacey Abrams, who narrowly lost Georgia’s recent gubernatorial election, will deliver the Democrats’ response to President Trump’s State of the Union address this Tuesday. That story, a politician, best known for losing the popular vote, will be giving a speech on Tuesday and Stacey Abrams will also be giving a speech.

12. Last week, Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz said he is considering running for president. As a result, Russia has already started planting spies to gather dirt:

13. A man in Japan claims to have a dated a cockroach he named Lisa for over a year. Unfortunately, the relationship ended abruptly the night they went dancing:

14. According to tech website Gizmodo, President Trump posted altered photos of himself to Twitter and Instagram that made him look thinner. Gizmodo became suspicious when they saw a photo where Trump’s entire body fit in frame.

15. According to a new study, a parasite found in cat urine has been linked to schizophrenia. “But just cat pee, right?” asked President Trump.

October 5, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. Facebook said on Friday that nearly 50 million user accounts were hacked in its worst security breach ever given the unprecedented level of potential access. “Well I guess that settles the question of who liked your friend Katie’s vacation bikini pictures,” said a very relieved husband to his wife. 

2. Students at a UK university raised money to send the school’s janitor on his first vacation in almost a decade. Not to be outdone, they also had a great ‘welcome home’ present for him:

3. According to reports, Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh once got into a bar fight with a guy he thought was the lead singer of UB40. Not to be outdone, one time Ruth Bader Ginsburg dangled Sure Knight over a balcony. 

4. In a recent interview, Donald Trump Jr. said “he fears more for his sons than for his daughters” following the Kavanaugh hearing. That’s absurd, he should fear for them equally because they both have a dipshit for a father.

5. A “Jeopardy” contestant last week made a surprised marriage proposal to his girlfriend who was sitting in the audience. But then he ruined it by going for the Daily Double: 

6. Over the weekend, actress Gwyneth Paltrow married writer Brad Falchuk. I’d wish Brad the best of luck, but I don’t think he’ll need it, as any band who’s played Coachella will tell you, it’s really easy to follow Coldplay.

7. According to reports, Bill Cosby was hit with a hot dog bun and fell down a flight of stairs during his first day in prison. And, if you think that’s bad, on his second day he was anally raped. So, in retrospect, the hot dog thing wasn’t that bad.

8. A flight from Phoenix to Boston this week was forced to make an emergency landing after a passenger allegedly refused to stop doing pull-ups using the plane’s overhead bins. That emergency landing seems stupid because if anyone belongs in Boston, it’s that guy. 

9. A group of Southern California high school students face disciplinary action after spelling out the n-word with lettered T-shirts at a senior picnic. “That’s PJ and Tobin for you,” said Brett Kavanaugh.

10. Former FBI Director James Comey expressed his approval of the reopening of the bureau’s background check into Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh, writing in a New York Times op-ed that the assigned deadline is “idiotic.” Said Comey, “The timing of this is idiotic, everyone knows you only reopen an investigation a week before an election.”

11. A new movie featuring drunk, fornicating and child-abusing priests has outraged some conservative politicians in Poland. Said Catholic priests, “That’s not how that happened, my shoes weren’t brown.”

12. After a prolonged court battle, a 5-year-old girl in California will be allowed to bring her cannabis-based medicine to school. That story again, get ready for a 5-year-old girl to bring in her hand for every show-and-tell:

13. According to reports, streaming giant Netflix will now allow users to choose how a TV episode or movie will end. So get ready to be killed off in a lot more things, Kevin Spacey.

14. According to reports, Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh was questioned by police concerning a bar fight that broke out after a UB40 concert. The worst part of that story is that fight broke out afterwards, which means the concert went on as planned first.

15. This week Ben & Jerry’s introduced its newest flavor ‘Marry Me Mint.’ “I do!” said one man:

16. A study of the African bush elephant’s vast network of deep wrinkles his found it is intricately designed to help the animals keep cool. Which explains why Keith Richards is always wearing scarves:

17. A bat was on the loose inside the Tennessee venue where President Trump held a campaign rally this week. That story again, Stephen Miller was at a campaign rally in Tennessee.

18. Thirteen people in New York were stuck in a subway elevator on Monday for one hour before police were able to rescue them. Said one of the thirteen people after being rescued, “It could have been worse,” and, then, to prove her point, she stepped onto the A train.

May 10, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Millionaire business-woman Michelle Mone said her most embarrassing moment was when she scooped up an adorable Vietnamese ‘child’ in front of 3,000 people only to discover he was actually a 46-year-old married man. Which, I’m pretty sure, is how Katie Holmes met Tom Cruise.

2. Last week, comedian Eddie Murphy welcomed his eighth child. Because if we’ve learned anything from Murphy’s film career, it’s that he doesn’t know when to stop.

3. Over the weekend, singer Justin Bieber got a small tattoo of a cross just above the corner of his right eye that represents his journey in life to find God. Said God, “Please don’t tell him where I am.”

4. According to new data, the number of children under six poisoned by nicotine in e-cigarettes rose by nearly 1,500% between 2013 and 2015. That’s why I have my baby on the patch.

5. A soccer referee was arrested last week after reportedly relieving himself behind the stands in view of students and parents during a high school soccer game. Which seems like an extreme overreaction, he probably should have been given a yellow card.

6. On Monday, SeaWorld’s CEO said their killer whales will no longer kiss or dance during shows. That is, until Kevin Bacon moves into town.

7. A new product has come to market called the LifeStraw which filters out 99% of water-borne bacteria allowing the user to safely drink contaminated water. And Mountain Dew.

8. A teacher’s aide at Tampa Bay high school was arrested Friday on charges that she had intercourse with two males students. But, in her defense, the aide was just doing her job, as the teacher was busy fucking two other students at the time.

9. 14-year-old Joseph Ware’s service dog Presley got her own photo in Ware’s middle school yearbook. Despite the inclusion of Presley, Stephanie Miller was still voted “Most Likely to Take a Shit in Public.”

10. Last week, actress Gwyneth Paltrow announced that her lifestyle brand GOOP will release its first ever sex newsletter. While I announced that I am consciously unsubscribing.

April 14, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. This week, a 72-year-old woman and her dog were rescued after spending nine days lost in the Arizona wilderness. Unfortunately, she used to have two dogs.

2. Yesterday, U2 lead singer Bono told the U.S. Senate that he thinks they should combat ISIS with comedy by sending Amy Schumer, Chris Rock and Sasha Baron Cohen over there. Which, is not surprising, because as any iTunes user will tell you, Bono has a history of sending things to people who don’t want them.

3. During a Q&A session on Wednesday, actress Gwyneth Paltrow said she would rather smoke crack than eat spray cheese. “Why’s it got to be an either/or thing?” said the ghost of Rob Ford.

4. It was reported on Wednesday that actor Ben Affleck will not only star in, but also direct, the next Batman movie. “Well, he is very good at two-timing,” said Jennifer Garner.

5. Nearly 40,000 Verizon workers walked off the job on Wednesday in one of the largest U.S. strikes in recent years after contract talks hit an impasse. And I know what it’s like to have a conversation suddenly end because I have a Verizon cell phone.

6. According to a new study, People who eat a lot of fast food may be exposed to higher amounts of certain chemicals in plastics that may cause cancer. But don’t worry, the diabetes will probably get you before the cancer.

7. Last night was future-Hall-of-Famer Kobe Bryant’s last game in the NBA. After which Kobe took the microphone and thanked his “teammates,” because he doesn’t know any of their names.

8. A new study found that the human body responds to sex the same way it responds to working out. “Do you have any other examples?” said Star Wars fans.

9. An Ohio man paralyzed in an accident is now able to use his hand to play guitar and pick up a bottle thanks to a small computer chip implanted in his brain. The man celebrated by grabbing a bottle of lotion and kicking everyone out of the room.

10. According to reports, NBA team owners are expected to vote this week to allow the placement of corporate logos on jerseys, beginning in the 2017-2018 season. The way it will work is the highest bidder will have the choice of putting their logo on a team jersey or their rival’s logo on the Knicks’ jerseys.

February 10, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Last night, Bernie Sanders and Donald Trump won the New Hampshire Democratic and Republican primaries, respectively. Meaning the night was a big win for non-establishment candidates and a big loss for hair-dressers.

2. While waiting for the results of the New Hampshire primary last night, Democratic candidate Bernie Sanders killed time by playing basketball. Sanders said he liked shooting hoops but wanted to know when they switched from using a peach basket.

3. This week, Republican presidential hopeful Jeb Bush said fellow-candidate Marco Rubio has never been challenged in his entire life. And Jeb knows what challenged looks like because he’s related to George W. Bush.

4. This week in New Hampshire, Bill Clinton told a crowd of supporters that sometimes he wishes he wasn’t married to Hillary. Times like when he’s throwing change into a fountain or breaking a wishbone.

5. A man in Florida was arrested for allegedly throwing an alligator through a drive-thru window. Before that, if you wanted to see a gator in a fast-food restaurant, you had to go all the way to the McDonald’s that Tim Tebow works at.

6. Prominent sports owner and billionaire Stan Kroenke, who just moved the the NFL’s St. Louis Rams to Los Angeles, will purchase the W.T. Waggoner Estate Ranch in Texas for a whopping $725 million. Kroenke said the most attractive feature of the ranch is that it’s not located in St. Louis.

7. According to a new NFL memo, college players who have been convicted of domestic violence, sexual assault or weapons charges will no longer be allowed to attend to the league’s scouting combine. That story again, the NFL Combine has been cancelled.

8. Design students from London’s Royal College of Art have created a coat that transforms into a tent or sleeping bag. Or, in Chris Christie’s case, just a coat.

9. On Monday, actress Gwyneth Paltrow appeared in a Los Angeles court to testify against a man who has allegedly stalked her for the past 17 years. Or, as her alleged stalker undoubtedly viewed her courtroom presence, a meet-cute.

10. Today Democratic candidate Bernie Sanders will appear on ABC’s “the View.” Not to be outdone, Bill Clinton will appear on one of “Maury’s” paternity-testing shows.

October 10, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. Cylvia Hayes, the fiancee of Oregon Governor John Kitzhaber, said on Thursday she had once married an 18-year-old immigrant student in exchange for $5,000 which she used to pay her school tuition and buy a laptop. Said Hayes, “Wait, I used the $5,000 for tuition, I bought the laptop with my stripping money.”

2. According to the Wall Street Journal, may soon open its first brick-and-mortar store in midtown Manhattan. Said Amazon executives, “We always felt like our online store was missing homeless vagrants wandering around out front.”

3. A new study suggests physical exercise helps the body purge a harmful protein associated with depression. Unless, of course, that physical exercise is playing football for the New York Jets.

4. More than two dozen lawmakers want the U.S. to ban travelers from all Western African countries until the Ebola outbreak is under control. And some Republican lawmakers even want the ban to be retroactive starting from the date President Obama was born.

5. Stars who have used drugs, visited prostitutes or been involved in other law-breaking activities will not be allowed to appear on Chinese television, movie screens or other forms of broadcast, state media said on Thursday. Which explains why their version of the hit CBS show is entitled “One and a Half Men.”

6. Police have found Germany’s biggest-ever stash of heroin, with an estimated street value of $60 million hidden in a truckload of pickled cucumbers and garlic. But it kinda sounds like they found some pickled cucumbers and garlic in a truckload of heroin.

7. In an attempt to combat widespread corruption in Thailand, traffic policemen will now get money in return for refusing bribes. Or, more accurately, policemen in Thailand will now get money for claiming they refused bribes.

8. China is on the hunt for a Siberian tiger released into the wild by Russian President Vladimir Putin, state media said on Thursday, after the animal roamed into the communist country. And you can tell it’s Putin’s tiger because it has no respect for borders.

9. During a special meeting called by Pope Francis this week, Cardinals met with married couples to discuss the importance of sex. And, unlike most meetings with Cardinals on this subject, it didn’t end with a discussion about the importance of keeping a secret.

10. A prosecutor in Texas wants Adrian Peterson arrested and his bond revoked after the NFL star allegedly admitted to “smoking a little weed” while out on bail on child abuse charges. Said Peterson’s son, “I actually prefer him on marijuana, he’s a little more mellow.”

11. Yesterday, President Obama was the headliner at a Democratic fundraising event in the backyard of actress Gwyneth Paltrow’s California home. Paltrow said the goal of the event was to get people to consciously uncouple with their money.

12. A finalist to head the nation’s largest Native American tribe will not be allowed to continue his candidacy after refusing to prove his fluency in the Navajo language. “Come on guys, you don’t trust me?” said Daniel Snyder.

13. Obama administration officials on Wednesday said an improved website should be able to break its own record for online traffic next month. And, with any luck, the following month they may even be able to break double-digits.

14. Ferguson, Missouri authorities are drawing up contingency plans fearing what may happen if a grand jury does not indict a white officer for killing a black teen. Their contingency plan, extra riot gear.

October 7, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to a new study, young kids who were exposed to BPA before birth are more likely to have a wheeze before the age of five. Also a contributing factor to developing a wheeze, marrying George Jefferson.

2. It was announced yesterday that “Twin Peaks, the murder mystery TV series from the 1990s, will return to the airwaves on paid cable channel Showtime in 2016. It will be very different from the “Twin Peaks” that airs on Cinemax.

3. The Jacksonville Jaguars mascot is catching heat for a sign he held up making light of the Ebola outbreak at a game over the weekend against the Steelers. Luckily, since it was a Jags home game, no one was in the stands to be offended.

4. On Monday, the Nobel Prize in Medicine was awarded to a group of doctors who discovered cells in the human brain that act as the body’s GPS and help people navigate. The doctors are now working to determine why these cells are missing in all New York City tourists.

5. A group of protestors in Ferguson disrupted the St. Louis Symphony during intermission by creating a flash mob and demanding justice for Michael Brown. Employees became suspicious when people showed up to the symphony.

6. Goop, the lifestyle blog founded by actress Gwyneth Paltrow in 2008, named a new CEO on Monday. Goop, that’s a stupid name for a website. By the way, thank you for checking out

7. Willie Nelson’s trademark hair braids sold for $37,000 at an auction over the weekend. Which is the exact opposite of buying clean urine for a drug test.

8. According to a new study, more than one-quarter of teens engage in sexting and those who send explicit photos of themselves are more likely to become sexually active sooner. So keep at it teenage boys, it’s really just a numbers game.

9. On Monday, President Obama said the government would develop a screening process for airline passengers aimed at preventing the spread of the Ebola virus. The new process would be a survey consisting of one question: Are you coming from Africa?

10. Former President Bill Clinton returned to Arkansas on Monday for two days of rallies aimed at energizing Democratic voters in state political races. Said Clinton, “It’s so nice to see so many familiar faces, especially many of the toddlers whose faces are eerily similar to my own.”

September 16, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. Apple sold a record 4 million iPhones 6 and iPhone 6 Plus smartphones on Friday, the first day that the new gadgets were available for pre-order. And, somehow, half of them already have cracked screens.

2. German beer-maker Heineken has rejected a takeover bid from beer giant SABMiller. Yeah, not so much fun when it happens to you, huh, Germany?

3. After hearing complaints from users because U2’s new album was automatically downloaded to everyone’s iTunes library, Apple has introduced a giant “Remove Album” button to delete those tracks. “That doesn’t work for all albums, right?” said Maroon 5.

4. In a recent magazine interview, Martha Stewart said Oscar-winning actress Gwyneth Paltrow “just needs to be quiet,” stick to acting and stop “trying to be Martha Stewart.” Be careful Gwyneth, those ex-cons will cut you.

5. A Senate committee will consider statehood for the District of Columbia this week, the first hearing on the matter by Congress in two decades. So, if the measure passes, the Washington Redskins will become a state-wide embarrassment.

6. A new study suggests, when babies are too young to get the whooping cough vaccine, vaccinating their parents might protect them from the dangerous infection. Said parents, “Looks like this kid’s getting whooping cough.”

7. In a memo to the NFL’s 32 teams, Commissioner Roger Goodell said he has hired four women to “shape the NFL’s policies and programs relating to domestic violence and sexual assault.” They settled upon four women because there’s safety in numbers.

8. Minnesota Vikings running back Adrian Peterson turned himself into Texas authorities early Saturday on felony child abuse charges. Also being brought up on child abuse charges, any parent who raises their kid to be a Vikings fan.

9. On Friday, a rare blue flawless 12-carat diamond, one of the world’s rarest gems, was put on display at the Natural History Museum in Los Angeles. The gem will remain on display through the end of this year or until Kobe cheats on his wife again.

10. Kanye West shocked fans in Australia when he stopped a concert after two fans failed to stand up for him even though one was in a wheelchair and the other had a prosthetic limb. Hey maybe Kanye was just trying to perform a miracle and, after he realized his mistake, a miracle did occur, Kanye shut up for a few minutes.