October 5, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. Facebook said on Friday that nearly 50 million user accounts were hacked in its worst security breach ever given the unprecedented level of potential access. “Well I guess that settles the question of who liked your friend Katie’s vacation bikini pictures,” said a very relieved husband to his wife. 

2. Students at a UK university raised money to send the school’s janitor on his first vacation in almost a decade. Not to be outdone, they also had a great ‘welcome home’ present for him:

3. According to reports, Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh once got into a bar fight with a guy he thought was the lead singer of UB40. Not to be outdone, one time Ruth Bader Ginsburg dangled Sure Knight over a balcony. 

4. In a recent interview, Donald Trump Jr. said “he fears more for his sons than for his daughters” following the Kavanaugh hearing. That’s absurd, he should fear for them equally because they both have a dipshit for a father.

5. A “Jeopardy” contestant last week made a surprised marriage proposal to his girlfriend who was sitting in the audience. But then he ruined it by going for the Daily Double: 

6. Over the weekend, actress Gwyneth Paltrow married writer Brad Falchuk. I’d wish Brad the best of luck, but I don’t think he’ll need it, as any band who’s played Coachella will tell you, it’s really easy to follow Coldplay.

7. According to reports, Bill Cosby was hit with a hot dog bun and fell down a flight of stairs during his first day in prison. And, if you think that’s bad, on his second day he was anally raped. So, in retrospect, the hot dog thing wasn’t that bad.

8. A flight from Phoenix to Boston this week was forced to make an emergency landing after a passenger allegedly refused to stop doing pull-ups using the plane’s overhead bins. That emergency landing seems stupid because if anyone belongs in Boston, it’s that guy. 

9. A group of Southern California high school students face disciplinary action after spelling out the n-word with lettered T-shirts at a senior picnic. “That’s PJ and Tobin for you,” said Brett Kavanaugh.

10. Former FBI Director James Comey expressed his approval of the reopening of the bureau’s background check into Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh, writing in a New York Times op-ed that the assigned deadline is “idiotic.” Said Comey, “The timing of this is idiotic, everyone knows you only reopen an investigation a week before an election.”

11. A new movie featuring drunk, fornicating and child-abusing priests has outraged some conservative politicians in Poland. Said Catholic priests, “That’s not how that happened, my shoes weren’t brown.”

12. After a prolonged court battle, a 5-year-old girl in California will be allowed to bring her cannabis-based medicine to school. That story again, get ready for a 5-year-old girl to bring in her hand for every show-and-tell:

13. According to reports, streaming giant Netflix will now allow users to choose how a TV episode or movie will end. So get ready to be killed off in a lot more things, Kevin Spacey.

14. According to reports, Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh was questioned by police concerning a bar fight that broke out after a UB40 concert. The worst part of that story is that fight broke out afterwards, which means the concert went on as planned first.

15. This week Ben & Jerry’s introduced its newest flavor ‘Marry Me Mint.’ “I do!” said one man:

16. A study of the African bush elephant’s vast network of deep wrinkles his found it is intricately designed to help the animals keep cool. Which explains why Keith Richards is always wearing scarves:

17. A bat was on the loose inside the Tennessee venue where President Trump held a campaign rally this week. That story again, Stephen Miller was at a campaign rally in Tennessee.

18. Thirteen people in New York were stuck in a subway elevator on Monday for one hour before police were able to rescue them. Said one of the thirteen people after being rescued, “It could have been worse,” and, then, to prove her point, she stepped onto the A train.

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