July 25, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Somalia’s al-Shabab extremist group called President Trump a “brainless billionaire” in a new video. In response, President Trump said, “Thank you for calling me a billionaire.”

2. In a new interview, President Trump said “I love balloons, okay? Like you have no idea how much I love balloons.” Well, there is an undeniable attraction between the two:

3. According to reports, President Trump is considering replacing Attorney General Jeff Sessions with former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani. Despite Chris Christie’s best efforts:

4. According to reports, President Trump is considering replacing Attorney General Jeff Sessions with former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani. Because apparently Trump thinks the job has a height requirement:

5. There is a 91-year-old airline mechanic who still works on planes at JFK Airport. Well, he doesn’t so much work on planes, as he looks over other mechanic’s shoulders while they’re working and says, “That’s not how Wilbur and Orville did it.”

6. The University of South Alabama’s football practice facility collapsed Saturday in Mobile, during construction. As opposed to the Atlanta Falcons, who usually wait until the fourth quarter to collapse.

7. According to a new study, a quarter of Americans think the sun goes around the Earth. Really, I would have guessed that number was a little higher:

8. 10. Over the weekend, Kellyanne Conway defended President Trump’s lies by saying, “He doesn’t think he’s lying.” Which is reminiscent of Johnny Cochran’s famous, ‘What is murder, anyway?’ defense.

9. New White House communications director Anthony Scaramucci said he wants Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders to continue to use the hair and make-up people she used on Friday, presumably because Scaramucci thought she looked good. “Maybe if you had said nice things like that about me I wouldn’t have quit,” said Sean Spicer.

10. A Florida sheriff’s deputy has been fired after authorities say he took partially naked photos of himself while on duty at the county courthouse. Even worse, from the look of the pictures, right before he snapped them, someone said “all rise.”

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