January 20, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. Madame Tussauds waxwork museum in London announced last week that it had removed figures of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle from their royal exhibit. The last time a room full of royals cleared out that quickly the Queen ripped a mean one. 

2. Actress Gwyneth Paltrow is selling a candle that she claims smells like her vagina. And if you purchase that candle you can expect to hear a lot of questions like ‘Why did you buy this?’ and ‘How did this happen?’ and ‘Are you cooking fish?’ 

3. Boxer Tyson Fury revealed this week that he has been preparing for an upcoming fight by masturbating seven times a day. So, yeah, that’s not a spit bucket. 

4. Boxer Tyson Fury revealed this week that he has been preparing for an upcoming fight by masturbating seven times a day. Begging the question, who is my thirteen-year-old nephew training to fight? 

5. Five California mountain lions were seen together on home surveillance video this week. It’s the most disturbing grouping of large cats since:

6. A German Shepherd in North Carolina gave birth to a green puppy last week. “I know what you’re thinking,” said the family’s pet turtle. 

7. Chris Beart, the rapper who cut off his own penis before jumping off a two-story building in 2014, recently got married. Said the groomsman who disapproved of the marriage, “This is going to be the second worst decision you’ve ever made.”

8. A new study found no strong evidence linking baby powder to ovarian cancer. Great news for LeBron James’ ovaries:

9. Prince Harry and Meghan Markle announced last week that they will be “stepping back” from their role as royals, moving to America, and “will work to become financially independent.” That story again, Harry will be answering to a new King:

10. Last week, a Florida man pled guilty to a trafficking scheme in which live water monitor lizards were concealed inside electronic equipment and smuggled from the Philippines into the U.S. Which explains why my fax machine just ate my cat.

11. Police in Florida are seeking help locating a burglar who broke into a house and told the owners he was “there to suck toes.” That story again, Quentin Tarantino is apparently scouting filming locations in Florida.

12. Scientists recently conducted a study in which they put 3D glasses on cuttlefish and showed them film clips. The study found that if you put 3D glasses on cuttlefish for a long enough period you’ll lose your job as a scientist.

13. Last week, Georgia authorities say a man broke into a Taco Bell restaurant, prepared food, and took a nap inside. The man made a meal and took a nap or, as President Trump refers to it, a full workday.

14. According to a new study, older people who frequent art galleries and museums and attend the theater may live longer than those who don’t. “Strongly disagree?” said the ghost of Lincoln.

15. It was revealed this week that the New York Public Library’s most checked-out book of all time is the children’s book “The Snowy Day.” While the Library’s least checked-out book, “The Erotic Tales of Wilford Brimley.”

16. Monday night, the LSU Tigers beat the Clemson Tigers 42-25 to win the college football National Championship. It’s the first time a tiger beat itself since:

17. According to a new study, Mars is losing water quicker than expected. That story again, Mars is still more inhabitable than Flint, Michigan.

18. On Monday, the Cleveland Browns named Kevin Stefanski their new head coach because, I assume, he was the last one to say ‘Not it.’

19. A Florida woman was arrested this week for building a bomb in a Walmart from items she found in the store. So, just one item?:

20. Last week, a man asked a court to grant his motion for trial by combat so he can meet his ex-wife and her attorney “on the field of battle.” “Hey at least I asked the court ahead of time this time,” said O.J.

July 17, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Stevie Wonder told thousands of fans watching him perform in London on Saturday night he is due to have a kidney transplant in September. Even more disconcerting, he’s doing the surgery himself.

2. A couple from New York is suing a fertility clinic after a woman gave birth to other couples’ babies because of an IVF mixup. “So you’re telling me there’s a chance,” said President Trump:

3. This week, Oklahoma teens scavenging for frogs made a grisly discovery: a human leg with the shoe still attached. “Has anyone called ‘dibs’ on that shoe?” asked Heather Mills.

4. The House of Representatives voted on Tuesday to condemn President Trump for “racist comments” against four minority Democratic congresswomen. So problem solved. 

5. According to a new study, pear-shaped women are healthier than apple shaped women. But still both are still much healthier than the husbands who classified their wives as either apple or pear-shaped:

6. According to a new study, women who are more likely to develop heart disease when they carry excess fat around their midsection than when they store more fat in their hips and thighs. Which is why I now refer to him as Dr. Sir Mix-a-Lot.

7. The Steamboat Geyser in Yellowstone National Park is on track for a record number of eruptions this year. Geologists plan to slow down the eruptions by using coolant, adding salt, and getting the geyser to think about baseball.

8. Last week, Ford announced will sell a version of its Ford GT supercar for $1.2 million, but it won’t be legal to drive them on public roads.  And, in related news, the Ford Fiestas remains street-legal, although you probably shouldn’t drive them on the roads because people may see you.

9. President Donald Trump warned Iran on Wednesday against making threats that can “come back to bite you like nobody has been bitten before.” “Nobody? Really?” said the ghost of Seigfred.’’

10. According to a new study, men who eat at least two servings a week of yogurt may be lowering their risk for colorectal cancer. Begging the question, how exactly are they eating that yogurt?

11. According to a new study, during their first year of college, men gain twice as much weight as women. Which explains all of Chris Christie’s diplomas: 

12. Spanish scientists have found that frozen sperm samples are still viable after exposure to simulated space flight. Those proving there is literally no place women are safe.

13. During his Fourth of July speech, President Trump declared that the U.S. Army took over the airports during the Revolutionary War. Which I guess explains why there we no flights on July 4th. 1776.

14. A life-size rough wooden sculpture of first lady Melania Trump was unveiled near her hometown of Sevnica in southeastern Slovenia last week. I don’t have a joke for this, I just really want you to see this masterpiece:

15. President Trump said Sunday he wants members of the press to “go in and see” migrant detention centers. That story again, Trump is asking reporters to go to detention centers, or, as it’s more commonly known, a trap.

16. Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell said on Tuesday he saw no chance of the U.S. defaulting on debt payments. Begging the question, at what point do we stop underestimating President Trump?:

17. Upon noticing a a fly while giving a speech in the White House on Thursday, President Trump said “How did a fly get into the White House?” “Right back at you,” said the fly.

July 27, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. The London gospel choir that performed at the wedding of Britain’s Prince Harry and Meghan Markle, has signed a record deal with Sony Music. Not to be outdone, the Queen has signed with Death Row Records:

2. Over the weekend, a rider was kicked out of the Tour de France for trying to punch another rider. That story again, Chris Brown learned how to ride a bike.

3. Over the weekend, Italian rider Gianni Moscon was kicked out of the Tour de France for “showing a lack of restraint” when he tried to punch another rider. Although, if you ask me, he showed unbelievable restraint by only punching one of these guys:

4. Facebook said on Monday it would double its presence in London, acquiring nearly 600,000 square feet of office space. Meanwhile, Tom from MySpace wants to know if he can crash on your couch a few a nights.

5. Gloria Estefan was honored by the Spanish government on Monday for her contribution to the arts. She was also honored for her tireless work making the public aware of the rhythm and its intention to get them.

6. On Sunday, hundreds of people gathered in a Switzerland’s Mount Tracouet for the world’s biggest wooden Swiss alpine horn festival, which happens once a year. Of course, the other 364 days of the year they all apparently gather in the apartment next to me.

7. Over the weekend, the tiny Belgian city of Marche-en-Famenne held Europe’s biggest “living statue” festival, where people posed as famous people like Isaac Newton and Albert Einstein. To see a living person stand that still outside of Marche-en-Famenne, you’d have to take my uncle out to dinner and wait for the bill to come.

8. This week a was arrested for working out nude at a Planet Fitness. Apparently, before his arrest, he was standing by the bench press doing a clean jerk.

9. Russian hackers gained access to the networks of U.S. electric utilities last year, which could have allowed them to cause blackouts, according to federal government officials. Or, in the case of Detroit, turn the lights back on.

10. Three former U.S. secretaries of state, Hillary Clinton, Colin Powell and Madeleine Albright, will make guest appearances in October on political television drama “Madam Secretary.” While current Secretary of State Mike Pompeo will appear on the least convincing episode of “Undercover Boss” ever:

11. Actor Johnny Depp gave Harry Potter fans a look at his coming portrayal of the villain Grindelwald, delivering a monologue in character at San Diego Comic-Con on Saturday. You could tell Depp was in character because he was only wearing eleven scarves.

12. On Monday, the U.S. anti-doping agency announced that six-time Olympic gold medalist swimmer Ryan Lochte has been suspended for 14 months for receiving an intravenous infusion of a permitted substance without a therapeutic use exemption. Said Lochte, “Can you please use smaller words?”:

13. After the President of Iran issued a warning to President Trump, Trump sent an all caps tweet saying “YOU WILL SUFFER CONSEQUENCES THE LIKES OF WHICH FEW THROUGHOUT HISTORY HAVE EVER SUFFERED BEFORE.” Which, coincidentally, were also the vows he said to Melania.

14. Republicans on Friday voted to hold their 2020 presidential nominating convention in Charlotte. And, if they nominate Trump, it’ll be the worst thing to happen inside Charlotte since she marred Trey in season 2:

15. Uber and Lyft have suspended a driver following a report that he recorded passengers without their consent. But, on the plus-side, it’s good to hear the Michael Cohen is working again:

16. In a new study, an international team of scientists identified more than thousand variations in human genes that influence how long people stay in school. Apparently there is a gene for how rich your dad is.

17. According to reports, the soccer ball Russian President Vladimir Putin gifted to President Trump contained a chip capable of transmitting data. Putin was not concerned inserting such a fragile piece of technical equipment into athletic equipment, because he was certain that by giving it to Trump it would never get any use.

18. A Georgia state lawmaker who yelled racial slurs and dropped his pants on Sasha Baron Cohen’s new Showtime show after being told it would intimidate terrorists offered his resignation letter on Tuesday. Well, if Trump dropping his pants is what it takes to finally get him to resign, it’s definitely not worth it:

19. The Ferrari from the movie “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off” will be up for action next month. And, a word of advice to that auctioneer, don’t take any bids over the phone from Abe Froman the Sausage King of Chicago.

20. President Trump accused Twitter on Thursday of restricting the visibility of prominent conservatives and promised to investigate the matter. Said Trump, “I haven’t seen a tweet from Ronald Reagan pop up on my timeline in a long time.”

February 23, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. A University of Arizona male cheerleader was ejected for heckling an Arizona State player during a basketball game last week. The cheerleader said being singled out was the second most embarrassing moment of his life right behind being a male cheerleader.

2. Malaysia detained rapper Namewee on Thursday over an “obscene” Lunar New Year music video depicting people in dog masks dancing in what appears to be the administrative capital of Putrajaya. And, in related news, Macklemore remains completely free.

3. On Friday, the New Yorker reported that Playboy Playmate Karen McDougal once had an affair with Donald Trump. Because, apparently, there wasn’t an option C:

4. Facebook announced that it will start using postcards sent by mail later this year to verify the identities and location of people who want to purchase U.S. election-related advertising on its site. Seems like a fool-proof plan:

5. On Wednesday, the defending NBA champion Golden State Warriors announced that they will skip the traditional White House visit and spend time with needy kids in D.C. So at least someone will be spending time with Baron.

6. Swastikas and other graffiti were discovered at the Polish Embassy in Israel on Sunday. “Can I get the name of their interior decorator,” said Mel Gibson.

7. An Israeli company, which has developed a visual aid for the blind, has completed a funding round that values the company at $1 billion. A valuation that would only make sense if the company’s aid is a seeing eye-dog wrapped in 999,999,974 dollar bills.

8. A bill has been proposed in Iceland to ban non-medically required male circumcision. Said the country’s men, “We live in Iceland, ICE-land, we need all the length we can get.”

9. Fox News announced plans to introduce a subscription fee-based streaming service for ‘superfans.’ “How do I set up a streaming service?” asked your grandparents while pushing buttons on the microwave.

10. Fox News announced plans to introduce a subscription fee-based streaming service for “superfans.” Or, if you don’t want to pay the fee, you can just wait twenty minutes and read the stories word-for-word on Trump’s Twitter feed.

11. On Tuesday, golfer Tiger Woods was named vice-captain for the U.S. team in the upcoming Ryder Cup matches. Although, technically he was named captain, everyone just assumed the vice part:

12. It was discovered this week that a dating site for President Trump supporters used a sex offender as its model. The only way this could have been more on brand for Trump is if the site also allowed you to date your own daughter.

13. This week, the mayor of Dallas urged the NRA to find another city to host its annual convention. You know things have gotten pretty bad when Texas thinks you have too many guns.

14. On Tuesday, President Trump tried to discredit a woman who accused him of kissing her in Trump Tower by saying he would never do such a thing in a pubic place surrounded by security cameras.
Because if there’s one thing Trump is good at, it’s knowing when he’s being recorded:

15. While speaking to school shooting survivors at the White House on Wednesday, President Trump was photographed holding speaking notes that read “1. What would you most want me to know about your experience?” “2. What can we do to help you feel safe?” and “5. I hear you.” But that’s not surprising, Trump has a history of using notes to remember things:

16. A family version of the New England Patriots’ Super Bowl LI championship ring with “Brady” on it sold Sunday morning for $344,927. It’s the second time this year that Brady lost a ring:

17. According to a new study, excessive alcohol use could increase your risk for all types of dementia. That story again, drinking to forget your problems works!

18. Uber is dropping a legal appeal against the introduction of more stringent English language tests for drivers in London. Drivers that fail the test will move to New York City to become taxi drivers.

August 3, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. President Trump on Wednesday called the Russia sanctions bill he signed into law “significantly flawed.” Although, by now, you’d think Trump would be used to putting his name on things that are significantly flawed:

2. A new product lets men seal their urethras shut before sex to prevent pregnancy. It’s perfect for any guy who’s ever thought: Man, condoms are annoying, I’d rather just put some glue in my pee-hole.

3. According to a new study, smart people are more likely to stereotype others. Wow, this whole time I thought I was just a hateful bigot, turns out, I’m a genius.

4. The Natural History Museum in London is changing a dinosaur display after a 10-year-old boy pointed out an error. It’s crazy that at just 10-years-old you can already tell that he’s gonna be a virgin well into his 30’s.

5. Former White House communications director Anthony Scaramucci told ‘The Huffington Post’ that he still hadn’t met his newborn son, eight days after his birth. “That’s nothing,” said Trump, “I’ve been told Barron is like nine or ten years old already.”

6. Former White House communications director Anthony Scaramucci told ‘The Huffington Post’ that he still hadn’t met his newborn son, eight days after his birth. But, in Mooch’s defense, I’m sure he needs a little break from taking care of babies:

7. According to reports, Donald Trump almost played the president in ‘Sharknado 3,’ but ultimately the movie decided against it. That story again, the producers of a movie about flying sharks thought a President Trump was a step too far.

8. According to reports, President Trump is trying to impress new Chief of Staff John Kelly “by acting sharper in meetings and even rattling off stats.” Said Trump, “Did you know the human head weighs eight pounds?”

9. A man was arrested yesterday after he allegedly broke into a New Jersey home, took off all his clothes and began washing dishes. Which, coincidentally, are two things my wife refuses to do.

10. In a new interview, actress Sofia Vergara said she can’t do pushups because of her “gigantic boobs.” “Ditto,” said Chris Christie.

August 2, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Justin Bieber is reportedly taking a break from music to focus on religion. “We would have been a lot more excited about this news ten years ago,” said Catholic priests.

2. According to a new survey, one in eight young people in the U.K. have never seen a cow in real life. And that number goes way if that cow is also a dentist:

3. A new study found that women are better at crowdfunding than men. Yeah, it’s called stripping.

4. A new study has found that nightmares may be caused by getting too much sleep. “Oh, thank god, for a moment there I thought I actually ran for president,” said Ben Carson:

5. Microsoft was forced to delete an Artificial Intelligence chat robot because, one day after introducing it to Twitter, it became a Hitler-loving, incest-promoting, 9/11 truther. That’s crazy, it took a full day?

6. It is being reported that many of President Trump’s Cabinet members attend a weekly Bible study meeting. But why read the book when you’re basically living the Old Testament? Trump is the golden idol, Priebus and Scaramucci are admittedly Cain and Abel, and there’s even a talking bush:

7. In an interview with ‘The Wall Street Journal’ President Trump said he asks foreign leaders how many people they have in their country. And then he always asks if they can fit one more:

8. According to science, ‘booty’ is the funniest word in the English language. Counterpoint:

9. Actor Tom Hiddleston is set to star in a new theater production of ‘Hamlet’ in London that will run for only three weeks. Or, as it’s known in the White House communications department, a fucking eternity.

10. Princess Diana shared intimate details of her ‘odd’ sex life with Prince Charles in a controversial tape that will be broadcast on British television this weekend. “Oh thank god,” said Trump after the Google alerts he set up for ‘head of state,’ ‘sex tape’ and ‘broadcast’ went off.

July 7, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. While in Poland with her husband, First Lady Melania Trump said all people should be allowed to “live their lives without fears.” Well, she didn’t so much say it as she blinked it with her eyes in Morse code.

2. A London-based startup has teamed up with Mastercard to launch a payment card that allows users to retroactively choose a different credit card for a purchase they have already made, in what they call “financial time travel”. Which of course will lead to a slew of financial time travels going back in time to overdraw Hitler’s bank account.

3. Director Quentin Tarantino has reportedly proposed to his longtime girlfriend. Here’s a look at the engagement ring:

4. According to a new study, children whose parents separate and are not on speaking terms may be more vulnerable to catching colds than those whose parents stay together. Although, I have a feeling Rob Kardashian and Black Chyna’s kid is screwed either way.

5. An Oregon man who pleaded guilty to sexually assaulting a live chicken will have to register as a sex offender. But, on the plus-side, we finally have an answer to the ageless riddle of which came first the chicken or the egg, turns out it was Gary.

6. According to a new study, girls may see boys as smarter starting at age 6. And then dumber at age 71:

7. People are outraged after a Pennsylvania woman posted a video of herself urinating on an American flag on the Fourth of July. Angry commentators called it a disgrace of the flag while President Trump called it a waste of good urine.

8. According to new research, American women spend nearly a quarter of a million dollars on their appearance in their lifetime. So, by the standard, Joan Rivers actually outlived her life expectancy.

9. Famed astrophysicist Stephen Hawking fears Donald Trump’s decision to pull out of the Paris climate change agreement could be the “tipping point” which wipes out humanity. Although, I thought were all in agreement that we reached the tipping point on the human race years ago:

10. Experts have coined the term ‘kittenfishing’ which happens when dating app users embellish the truth and present themselves in an unrealistically positive light try to attract potential lovers. Or, as it’s more commonly known, ‘dating.’

11. According to a new report, couples are increasingly turning to sex robots to enjoy risk-free threesomes. That story again, Alexa’s seen some shit.

12. Shawn Sheehan, Oklahoma’s 2016 Teacher of the Year, recently picked up and moved to Texas for the money. Begging the question, if the teacher of the year in Oklahoma boarded a train for Texas headed south at 80 mph…

13. A Missouri man was arrested after he abducted his sister days before her wedding to prevent her from walking down the aisle. “I begged my parents for a brother,” said Melania.

14. On Friday, a spokeswoman for Disneyland confirmed that the Pirates of the Caribbean ride will remove a scene in which a pirate buys his wife at auction. So, now, if visitors want to see a foul-mouthed ogre who bought his wife, they’ll have to wait until they install the Trump robot at the Hall of Presidents.

15. The house where fictional serial killer Buffalo Bill lived in the movie “Silence of the Lambs” is for sale. It’s a three bedroom, two bath that may or may not have a finished basement depending on what you’re into.

16. According to research, instead of drinking milk or taking supplements to get adequate amounts of calcium, calcium-rich mineral water is an equally good source. “There’s probably some calcium in there too,” said officials in Flint.

17. Luckily no one was injured after a hot-air balloon carrying 17 people crash-landed in an alligator-infested retention pond in Orlando earlier this week. That hard to believe story again, people were in a hot-air ballon and that experience somehow got worse.

18. According to a new study, eating chocolate can ward off dementia. Counterpoint:

19. Warren Buffett, the second wealthiest person in the world, recently said that rich people in America are too rich. And, to solve the problem, Buffett has bought and renamed America.

20. Walgreens said it has ended its deal to buy competitor Rite Aid after antitrust concerns and will instead buy only half of their stores for $5.18 billion. Pictured is the receipt for that purchase:

June 8, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. In a recent interview, Eric Trump said he doesn’t consider Democrats to be people. But, I’m assuming that’s only after he bites their neck:

2. An ex-girlfriend of Bill Maher hinted that the comic has used the n-word around her in the past. Now that’s inexcusable, no one should have to date Bill Maher.

3. President Trump has challenged London Mayor Sadiq Khan to an IQ test. The first and only question on the test is “Do you think it’s a good idea to publicly challenge the mayor of a city that just suffered a tragedy to an IQ contest?”

4. On Tuesday, the F train suffered a severe maintenance malfunction that left hundreds of subway goers in New York City stuck in a tunnel with no air conditioning or lighting for over an hour. But NYC residents are resilient and despite the obstacles many of them still managed to masturbate.

5. Chicago plans to dedicate a nine-story mural to blues legend Muddy Waters during the city’s annual blues festival this weekend. “Didn’t we already dedicate an entire city to him?” said residents of Flint Michigan.

6. In a new interview, Russian President Vladimir Putin said, “I am not a woman, so I don’t have bad days.” Which doesn’t make sense because women in Russia have it pretty good, in fact, a lucky few were able to pee on Donald Trump.

7. A man in upstate New York dressed as the Tin Man from ‘The Wizard of Oz’ was busted driving drunk on the way home from a festival honoring the classic movie. “You’re not in Kansas anymore, Dorothy,” said his cellmate.

8. An ex-girlfriend of retired baseball player Alex Rodriguez is reportedly attempting to extort him for $600,000. Begging the question, what information could she possible have that’s more embarrassing than this?:

9. A man who was responsible for buying office supplies for the Staten Island District Attorney’s office was arrested for using the funds to purchase comic books and video games. If convicted, he could get 10 years to life or, in terms that he’ll understand, 10 years to up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A.

10. According to a new report, during a recent meeting with President Trump, Attorney General Jeff Sessions tried to quit. Here’s an exclusive look at that meeting:

May 11, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to a new report, more older couples are living together without getting married. No surprise, why buy the cow when you’re getting the curdled milk for free.

2. Late Tuesday night, to avoid reporters, press secretary Sean Spicer reportedly hid in the bushes outside the White House. Not to be outdone, Attorney General Jeff Sessions has been living in a tree for years:

3. An MMA fight in London was called after a fighter continuously ran away from his opponent. So chalk up another ‘no decision’ for Chris ‘Can’t We Just Talk This Out’ Simmons.

4. Wildlife officials in Florida are warning residents not to approach a family of monkeys that appears to have moved into the neighborhood. “You don’t have to tell us twice, we don’t want to catch anything,” said the monkeys.

5. A man in Britain intentionally slept next to his wife’s dead body in one bed for six days. Coincidentally, ‘over my dead body’ is also the only way Melania said she would ever sleep in the same bed as Donald.

6. According to a new study, little kids who have a consistent bedtime and limited screen time may get better at regulating their emotions. You don’t say:

7. The White House said on Wednesday that President Trump is considering four individuals to serve as the interim replacement for fired FBI Director James Comey. Here’s a look at Trump’s exhaustive process:

8. President Trump said on Wednesday he fired FBI Director James Comey because “he wasn’t doing a good job.” Adding, “But you can’t be impeached for that, right?”

9. The Kremlin on Wednesday said it hoped that the firing of FBI Director James Comey would not affect Moscow’s ties in Washington. Although, I’m pretty sure his ties are made in China:

10. Rapper P Diddy’s former personal chef is suing him for sexual harassment. While rapper Rick Ross’s former-personal chef is using him for exhaustion:

April 27, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Simon, a 3-foot long Welsh rabbit, was found dead in the cargo hold of a United plane after a flight from London landed in Chicago on Tuesday. United apologized for the death of Simon, or, as he was referred to on the next outbound flight, the kosher meal.

2. Yesterday was First Lady Melania Trump’s birthday. Which, to Donald, means depreciation and another year off her trade-in value.

3. According to a new survey, 40% of men have asked their partner to change their pubic hair. “I can honestly say that has never been an issue,” said Jared Fogel.

4. A second parchment copy of the Declaration of Independence has been found in England. “Does it still have that bullshit about all men being created equal?” asked Steve Bannon.

5. Florida state senator Frank Artiles resigned last week after yelling obscenities and racial slurs inside a lounge frequented by lawmakers in the state capital. And, just like that, Fox News has found their Bill O’Reilly replacement.

6. Actor Rob Lowe has taken over the role of Colonel Sanders in KFC’s newest commercials. Rob reportedly got the job because he knew a guy on the inside:

7. A woman visiting Omaha’s Henry Doorly Zoo Sunday went into labor and gave birth while still on zoo grounds. The baby is doing well and the woman is said to be resting comfortably on a hot rock.

8. According to a ‘Washington Post’ article, White House aides have begun including local news headlines in the daily press clippings provided to President Trump because they are often more favorable. For instance, Timber Trace Elementary’s ‘School Gazette’ called Trump “really, really smart and super, duper tough.”

9. A new study found that blood from human infants appeared to improve learning and memory in older mice. You can read more about it in this month’s ‘Medical Journal of Evil.’

10. A 1,100 pound Egyptian woman lost half her body weight after undergoing surgery in India. The woman said her goal weight is to not be mistaken for a pyramid.