April 13, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. There is a new show on Quibi called ‘Murder House Flip’ where people renovate notorious homicide homes. “If this keeps up much longer, they’re gonna have a lot more homes to choose from,” said couples quarantined together. 

2. Last week, aides to Joe Biden said the likely Democratic nominee will arrange a call with President Trump to discuss the country’s response to the deadly coronavirus pandemic. Together they will tackle the nation’s biggest challenge, two 70-plus-year-old men trying to figure out a Zoom call:

 3. Walt Disney might require theme park visitors to have their temperatures checked when they reopen after coronavirus restrictions on public gatherings are lifted. “Bend over,” said Goofy:

4. Queen Elizabeth made a rare address to the nation last weekend to address the coronavirus pandemic. Wow, it must be so comforting to have a leader that rarely addresses the nation:

5. According to reports, President Trump has been advocating the use of hydrochloroquine to treat the coronavirus because Rudy Guiliani has been telling him that it works. Which explains Trump’s other suggested cure, marrying your first cousin.

6. Last Tuesday was National Beer Day. Said Americans, “What’s Tuesday?”

7. According to a new study, you can predict how many women a man has slept with by how funny he is. That story again, Rob Schneider is still a virgin.

8. A painting by Vincent van Gogh was stolen in an overnight raid at a Dutch museum. I’m jealous, not of the payday that will come from selling that masterpiece, but that they got out of their house and went to a museum. 

9. Over the weekend, “Saturday Night Live” returned to television with a new, remotely produced show. And I think i speak for everyone when I say, please, no one tell the producers of ‘God Friended Me” that’s possible.

10. Last week, author JK Rowling launched a ‘Harry Potter at Home’ online tool for kids in lockdown. Not to be outdone, Jared from Subway showed his tool to kids online and now he’s under lockdown.

11. According to a new study, cats can contract and pass the coronavirus. So that explains all the social distancing:

12. Last week, O.J. Simpson said that one of the stars of the Netflix docu-series ‘Tiger King’ definitely killed her husband. What makes him the authority on …. oh, right, right, right, the double murder thing.

13. The Democratic Party on Thursday postponed its presidential nominating convention by a month until August, citing the coronavirus health crisis. “So you’re telling me I still got a chance,” said Tulsi Gabbard.

14. A petition to name Dr. Anthony Fauci the “Sexiest Man Alive” is gaining momentum. Because if the virus keeps up, he will be the only man alive.

15. President Trump said Friday his administration was now recommending Americans wear “non-medical cloth” face coverings. Adding, “Especially the uggos.”

16. The Supreme Court on Friday postponed oral arguments scheduled for April as a result of the coronavirus and is considering alternative options for handling its outstanding cases. And those alternatives better involve Ruth Bader Ginsburg quarantined in the fucking Popemobile:

17. In a conference call with major league sports commissioners on Saturday, President Trump said he believes the NFL season should start on time in September. Although the football players weren’t enthusiastic about going back after the call, not because of the virus, but because they just got a firsthand look at the end-result of suffering severe brain damage:

18. Actor Arnold Schwarzenegger has been posting self-isolation videos of him eating meals at home with his tiny donkey and miniature horse. So I think it’s safe to assume Maria Shriver won that divorce.

19. According to reports, the King of Thailand is self-quarantining by renting out an entire hotel in Germany for himself and his twenty girlfriends. So at least we already know the epicenter of the next viral pandemic.

20. Last week, President Trump said he didn’t want to give the American people bad news during the coronavirus pandemic. Then maybe he should stop holding daily televised press conference reminding the American people that he’s still the president.

21. During a press conference last week, President Trump called himself a ‘cheerleader’ for the country. Marking the first time I’ve ever actually felt bad for Kellyanne Conway:

22. According to a new study, most Americans want the government to require mail-in ballots for the November presidential election if the coronavirus outbreak still threatens the public. Begging the question how much postage does it take to mail a ballot from Russia?

23. A group of clowns who usually entertain retirees in their rooms at seniors homes has taken to performing outside instead so their audience can watch from their windows while in coronavirus-enforced isolation. But if the seniors miss that show, don’t worry, this group of clowns puts on a performance on your tv everyday:

24. Last week, Dr. Anthony Fauci said he does not think people should shake hands “ever again.” “Look who was ahead of his time,” said President Trump:

25. This week, rapper Drake revealed that he has a Birkin bag collection that he purchased for his future wife. “Yeah, that’s why I had that pocketbook collection too,” said the ghost of Liberace.

September 9, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. A man in Florida parked his Smart car in his kitchen to protect it from Hurricane Dorian. “Yeah, same,” said Billy Joel looking at his car at the bottom of his pool in Trenton, New Jersey.

2. Pope Francis got trapped in an elevator for twenty-five minutes on Sunday. And I gotta admit, it doesn’t give me a lot of confidence that the guy in charge of the resurrection of Christ can’t even get an elevator to rise. 

3. A street sweeper in Thailand has become an internet sensation after a picture of her carrying her dog on her back while sweeping the streets of the Thai capital went viral. I don’t see what the big deal is, I carry much lunch to work everyday too.

4. According to a recent interview, actress Jennifer Lopez asked Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, who has been married for over fifty years, for marriage advice. Ginsburg top piece of advice, “Don’t marry that queer A-Rod.” 

5. The account of Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey was hacked on last Friday, sending tweets that included racial slurs and curse word. President Trump’s account was also hacked, but no one noticed the difference.

6. A large scientific study into the biological basis of sexual behavior has confirmed there is no single “gay gene” but that affects whether a person has same-sex sexual partners. “No single gay Gene!” said an irate Gene Shalit: 

7. A 96-year-old celebrated his birthday on Saturday by breaking his own record as the world’s oldest active scuba diver for the third year running. The man said his plan is to do this every year until he reaches his ultimate goal of setting the record for deepest underwater corpse.

8. Last week, a woman broke into a Texas Botox clinic and stole $20,000-worth of anti-aging products. Police are looking for a 5’7”, caucasian woman between the ages of 8 and 68. 

9. While performing at this year’s VMA award show, singer Lizzo performed backed by a giant inflatable ass. Not to be confused with Limp Bizkit, who are always fronted by a giant ass:

10. According to a new study, former professional football players with a history of concussions may be more likely to experience erectile dysfunction. That story again, apparently Anthony Cromartie didn’t suffer any concussions:

11. ZAO, a new Chinese app that lets users swap their faces with celebrities, sports stars or anyone else in a video clip, racked up millions of downloads over the weekend. “You’’ll be hearing from my lawyers!” yelled an enraged Nicholas Cage (and/or John Travolta).

12. Rapper Nicki Minaj took fans by surprise on Thursday with an announcement that she was retiring from the music business to “have my family.” Begging the question, doesn’t Keisha want a family too?

13. Last week,Hitler’s last living relative, Romano-Luka Hitler, was convicted of pedophilia after kissing a thirteen year old girl. Said Romano, “Can we go back to the headlines of me being related to Hitler?”

14. According to a new study, the back-to-work blues that set in on Sunday night are a real phenomenon. “They way I that I combat it is that I never start working in the first place,” said President Trump. 

15. A senior Justice Department official resigned after being found to have watched porn on a government computer. Although, in his defense, he may have just been doing work-related research:

February 25, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. In honor of the upcoming summit in Vietnam between President Trump and North Korean leader Kim Jong Un, a Hanoi barber is offering free haircuts to anyone wanting to copy Trump or Jong Un’s hairstyles. That story again, barber in Vietnam is overcharging for his work. 

2. In a recent interview, boxer Manny Pacquiao said he doesn’t want his 18-year-old son Jimuel to be a boxer because it is a tough and dangerous profession. And if you want proof that its a dangerous sport, Pacquiao doesn’t eve have a son.

3. According to a new book, President Trump and First Lady Melania were seen at Mar-A-Lago on Thanksgiving holding hands and “kissing as if nobody else existed.” Of course, pretending like no one else exists is the only way to get Melania to kiss Donald.

4.  According to a new book, President Trump and First Lady Melania were seen at Mar-A-Lago on Thanksgiving holding hands and “kissing as if nobody else existed.” Don’t believe it? Here’s a picture someone took of them holding hands:

5. According to ‘The New York Times,’ democratic presidential hopeful Amy Klobuchar once ate a salad with a comb. “A what?” said Trump of ‘a salad’ and Bernie Sanders of ‘a comb.’ 

6. Last week, an unopened copy of the first Super Mario Brothers Nintendo video game sold at auction for $100,000. “If things are more valuable if they’ve never been touched or played with, then I must be worth a fortune,” said every guy at that auction.

7. The Vatican has revealed that it maintains secret guidelines for priests who father children despite their vows of celibacy. Those guidelines include: giving the child up for adoption, limiting contact with the mother, and, if the child is a boy, not allowing him to be around the other priests.

8. Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg took the bench at the Supreme Court Tuesday morning first time since she announced she’d undergone surgery in December for cancer. Or, as Justice Brett Kavanaugh, “Cool! Finally breaking up this sausage party, bro.”

9. Last week, Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio Cortez compared President Trump’s border wall to the Berlin Wall. If you remember, David Hasselhoff sang at the Berlin Wall when it was taken down, so if that’s what it takes to prevent the border wall from being built, it’s not worth it.

10. Mattel and National Geographic have teamed up to create an astrophysicist Barbie doll. So if you like astrophysics and you like women who don’t speak up when you touch them, hi Neil deGrasse Tyson.

11. According to reports, Hillary Clinton recently held meetings with former Vice President Joe Biden and Senator Amy Klobuchar to talk about the 2020 presidential election. Not be outdone, President Trump recently held meetings with literally anyone who would listen to talk about the 2016 presidential election.

12. According to new research, the average female friendship has a life span of 16 years. But only 12 years with that bitch Diane.

October 5, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. Facebook said on Friday that nearly 50 million user accounts were hacked in its worst security breach ever given the unprecedented level of potential access. “Well I guess that settles the question of who liked your friend Katie’s vacation bikini pictures,” said a very relieved husband to his wife. 

2. Students at a UK university raised money to send the school’s janitor on his first vacation in almost a decade. Not to be outdone, they also had a great ‘welcome home’ present for him:

3. According to reports, Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh once got into a bar fight with a guy he thought was the lead singer of UB40. Not to be outdone, one time Ruth Bader Ginsburg dangled Sure Knight over a balcony. 

4. In a recent interview, Donald Trump Jr. said “he fears more for his sons than for his daughters” following the Kavanaugh hearing. That’s absurd, he should fear for them equally because they both have a dipshit for a father.

5. A “Jeopardy” contestant last week made a surprised marriage proposal to his girlfriend who was sitting in the audience. But then he ruined it by going for the Daily Double: 

6. Over the weekend, actress Gwyneth Paltrow married writer Brad Falchuk. I’d wish Brad the best of luck, but I don’t think he’ll need it, as any band who’s played Coachella will tell you, it’s really easy to follow Coldplay.

7. According to reports, Bill Cosby was hit with a hot dog bun and fell down a flight of stairs during his first day in prison. And, if you think that’s bad, on his second day he was anally raped. So, in retrospect, the hot dog thing wasn’t that bad.

8. A flight from Phoenix to Boston this week was forced to make an emergency landing after a passenger allegedly refused to stop doing pull-ups using the plane’s overhead bins. That emergency landing seems stupid because if anyone belongs in Boston, it’s that guy. 

9. A group of Southern California high school students face disciplinary action after spelling out the n-word with lettered T-shirts at a senior picnic. “That’s PJ and Tobin for you,” said Brett Kavanaugh.

10. Former FBI Director James Comey expressed his approval of the reopening of the bureau’s background check into Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh, writing in a New York Times op-ed that the assigned deadline is “idiotic.” Said Comey, “The timing of this is idiotic, everyone knows you only reopen an investigation a week before an election.”

11. A new movie featuring drunk, fornicating and child-abusing priests has outraged some conservative politicians in Poland. Said Catholic priests, “That’s not how that happened, my shoes weren’t brown.”

12. After a prolonged court battle, a 5-year-old girl in California will be allowed to bring her cannabis-based medicine to school. That story again, get ready for a 5-year-old girl to bring in her hand for every show-and-tell:

13. According to reports, streaming giant Netflix will now allow users to choose how a TV episode or movie will end. So get ready to be killed off in a lot more things, Kevin Spacey.

14. According to reports, Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh was questioned by police concerning a bar fight that broke out after a UB40 concert. The worst part of that story is that fight broke out afterwards, which means the concert went on as planned first.

15. This week Ben & Jerry’s introduced its newest flavor ‘Marry Me Mint.’ “I do!” said one man:

16. A study of the African bush elephant’s vast network of deep wrinkles his found it is intricately designed to help the animals keep cool. Which explains why Keith Richards is always wearing scarves:

17. A bat was on the loose inside the Tennessee venue where President Trump held a campaign rally this week. That story again, Stephen Miller was at a campaign rally in Tennessee.

18. Thirteen people in New York were stuck in a subway elevator on Monday for one hour before police were able to rescue them. Said one of the thirteen people after being rescued, “It could have been worse,” and, then, to prove her point, she stepped onto the A train.

September 28, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. In a recent interview, tennis superstar Serena Williams said her new baby daughter helped her recover from her recent U.S Open loss. “Really? Can we borrow your baby,” said the New York Jets.

2. North West, the 5-year-old daughter of Kanye West and Kim Kardashian West, walked her first fashion show runway over the weekend. Sounds like she got her fashion sense from her dad and her ability to get on stage and not say something stupid from her mom:

3. New York’s attorney general on Monday said lawyer review website Avvo had agreed to reform its rating system and improve disclosures after a probe revealed shortcomings in how it presented information to consumers seeking to hire lawyers. I don’t know, seems pretty helpful to me:

4. In an interview this week, Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh admitted that he was a virgin throughout high school. In response, Ruth Bader Ginsburg called Kavanaugh “a fucking loser.”

5. HBO said on Thursday it will be dropping boxing from its programming schedule, ending a 45-year association with the sport. But fans of boxing shouldn’t be worried, HBO also announced an upcoming concert series with Chris Brown.

6. The Paris prosecutor’s office on Wednesday opened an investigation into a little known French rapper who shot to social media fame with a video called “Hang white people”. But, if you think about, isn’t that the subtitle of every Macklemore song too? 

7. Korean boy band BTS spoke at the United Nations this week. Marking the first time a pop-band has addressed the General Assembly since N’SYNC backed up Boutros Boutros-Ghali:

8. This week Arby’s announced that it is buying Sonic for $2.3 billion. Which equates to one dollar for every commercial on TV right now:

9. On Tuesday, a room full of world leaders at the U.N. laughed during Donald Trump’s speech when the president lavished praised on himself. Although Trump should be used to getting laughed at since he’s been roasted on Comedy Central, is made fun of nightly on talk shows, and has taken his pants off in front of real live women before.

10. A two-seater convertible car owned by Marilyn Monroe is going up for auction in November. It is expected to fetch much more than James Dean’s car.

11. This week the Secret Service unveiled the first update to the presidential limo since 2009, which is filled with a wide range of medical supplies including a refrigerator full of President Trump’s blood type. Big deal, I’ve seen limos with mini-fridges full of Diet Coke before too. 

12. The NHL is investigating Philadelphia Flyers forward Jori Lehtera after a Finnish news outlet reported he was questioned by police in his native Finland about his involvement in a cocaine ring. They may also want to question this guy:

13. A Silicon Valley start-up called Ambrosia is looking into opening a clinic in Manhattan where people over the age of 35 could be injected with the blood of younger people to help increase their vitality. Although, if you’re interested in other people’s fluids, may I suggest the subway. 

14. According to reports, Bronx rapper Cardi B is in talks to perform with Maroon 5 at this year’s Super Bowl halftime show. So, at least someone from New York will be there:

15. President Trump was so late to his scheduled speech at the U.N. on Tuesday, that the President of Ecuador had to take his spot. Which, I’m hoping means, that whoever the hell that guy is, is now our president.

16. This week ‘Saturday Night Live’ announced the addition of a new cast member, Ego Nwodim. So congratulations Ms. Nwodim and my condolences to SNL announcer Daryl Hammond. 

17. Chick-fil-A surprised a Florida man on his 100th birthday with free food for life. Because there’s nothing better for the heart of an elderly man who likes fried food than surprises.

18. This week, a kangaroo got loose from a Florida animal reserve and wandered the streets of a residential community. Said every Floridan, “Do you see that kangaroo too, or is the meth just really good?”

June 29, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Tuesday, Venezuelan police attacked the country’s Supreme Court by dropping grenades from a helicopter. “I wish a bitch would,” said Ruth Bader Ginsburg:

2. Yesterday French President Emmanuel Macron invited President Trump to Paris on July 14th to celebrate Bastille Day, otherwise known as French National Day. Said Trump, “Those idiots don’t even celebrate the Fourth of July on the right day.”

3. According to a new study, acupuncture paired with mild electric currents may be better than doing nothing at all to relieve urinary incontinence in women. Or, you could just move to Russia and make a career out of it:

4. Bumble, a dating app where women typically initiate the conversation, has launched a pop-up location this month in Manhattan. Or, as it’s more commonly known, a bar, you opened a bar, Bumble. Congrats.

5. Actress Lindsay Lohan is launching a subscription-only lifestyle website. But, I assume that’s a typo and meant to say Lohan’s website comes with a lifetime prescription to Valtrex.

6. On Wednesday, a man drove his car into and destroyed a newly installed Ten Commandments monument in Arkansas. Said the man, “If this doesn’t impress my neighbor’s wife nothing will.”

7. Yesterday, Joe Maddon, the manager of the World Series champion Chicago Cubs, said when you’re invited to the White House, “I think you go.” And here to provide the counter argument is Melania.

8. According to reports, President Trump’s team has been fighting with Disney World over the speech Trump’s robot will give in their Hall of President’s exhibit. The problem is if they use an actual Trump speech word-for-word it will sound like the robot is malfunctioning:

9. This week, actress Michelle Rodriguez threatened to quit the ‘Fast and Furious’ movie franchise over its treatment of women. And I agree, no one should have to try to act in a scene alongside Vin Diesel.

10. In a recent interview, actor Rob Lowe claimed to have once seen the giant mythical creature Bigfoot. Not to be outdone, Bigfoot claims to have once seen the never-aging, mythical creature Rob Lowe.

October 11, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Today is the United Nation’s International Day of the Girl Child. Or, as it’s referred to in China, Tuesday.

2. This week marks the 90th anniversary of the first publication of the iconic Winnie the Pooh books. Eeyore celebrated like he always does, by downing fifth of whiskey and a handful of pills.
 
3. In a recent interview, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said San Francisco back-up quarterback Colin Kaepernick’s decision to kneel during the national anthem was one of the dumber things she’s ever seen on a football field. Then she watched the 49ers play the game and said, “I stand corrected.”

4. Verizon may shift marketing away from Samsung’s troubled Galaxy Note 7 mobile phone heading into the holiday selling season. Although, with phones exploding in men’s pockets, the “chestnuts roasting on an open fire” tagline kinda writes itself.
 
5. According to a new study, if the previous occupant of a hospital bed received antibiotics, the next patient who uses that bed may be at higher risk for a severe form of infectious diarrhea. A similar study was conducted at every Days Inn ever.
 
6. British actress Emma Watson condemned child marriage during a visit to Malawi on Monday. Thus ending her chance of ever starring in a Woody Allen movie.

7. The TSA would start securing trains, buses and ferries under a new bill introduced in the Senate this week. Because there’s nothing I want to do more than take my shoes off inside the Port Authority.

8. Holly, one of Queen Elizabeth’s two remaining corgi dogs died on Monday at the age of thirteen. Which can only mean one thing, Holly ate the meat pie Prince Charles prepared for the Queen.

9. According to reports, Iran has blocked access to over 700 dating sites. Forcing residents to get their 99 virgins the old fashioned way.

10. Over the weekend, Paapa Essiedu, the first black actor to play Hamlet for the Royal Shakespeare Company, won best performance at the UK Theatre Awards. The play is exactly like the original except, after Hamlet poses his famous question, a Charlotte police officer answers with “not to be.”

July 13, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich said, if he were asked by Donald Trump to be his running mate it would not be am automatic yes. Presumably because he’d have to finish chewing the hoagie in his mouth before he could answer.

2. After David Cameron’s resignation in the wake of the Brexit vote, MP Theresa May is set to become Britain’s next leader, making her only the second female Prime Minister in the country’s history. “Not so fast,” said Sir Bernard Sanders:
bernie

3. A woman in Louisiana compared Taylor Swift’s vagina to a ham sandwich causing the hashtag #IfMyVaginaWereASandwich to trend on Twitter with female users suggesting which sandwich their intimate lady-parts most closely resemble. “Did we ever settle if a hotdog is a sandwich?” said Caitlyn Jenner.

4. When drugs for HIV suppress the virus in the blood to very low levels, patients are unlikely to infect their partners during condom-less sex. This according to a study Charlie Sheen is showing to ever porn star and prostitute in a 20 mile radius.

5. On Tuesday, reacting to Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg’s recent comments that were critical of him, presumptive Republican nominee Donald Trump called Ginsburg “a disgrace to the court.” In response, Ginsburg referred Trump to the seminal court case of Rubber v. Glue.

6. A Maryland couple has been arrested and charged with animal cruelty after 310 dogs were rescued from their alleged puppy mill. 310!?! Even Cruella DeVille thinks that excessive.

7. Last week, the Pentagon announced two ISIS senior military commanders died last week in a U.S. airstrike in Syria. Or, as it is known over there, natural causes.

8. Author Elizabeth Gilbert has announced that she is separating from her husband of a decade after writing about their romance in the best selling book, “Eat, Pray, Love.” Apparently she was doing a little too much eating and not enough loving.

9. Last week, a man in Kentucky attempted to rob a Chuck E. Cheese during a job interview. Even sadder, he used his one phone call to see if he got the job.

10. On last week’s edition of “Celebrity Jeopardy,” CNN’s Wolf Blitzer ended the show with a balance of negative $4,600. Blitzer amassed such a deficient by answering every question with “Where is Malaysian Airlines flight 370?”

August 1, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. The NBA announced Thursday that it would be putting its social-media identifier, @NBA, on all game balls starting next season. This marks the first time a Twitter feed will appear on balls and not the other way around.

2. On Thursday, the NFL announced that it will place radio frequency transmitters in players’ shoulder pads to track their movements on the field and provide more accurate statistics. Said local police, “It would really help us out a lot if they wore them off the field as well.”

3. North Korea has opened a summer camp that caters to kids from all over the world and attempts to acquaint them with the isolated country. Which has led to the following camp letter: Hello Muddah, Hello Fuddah. Here I am at Camp Osaka. Camp is very self-containing. And they say we’ll have some fun when the Supreme Leader says we’re allowed to do so.

4. North Korea has opened a summer camp that caters to kids from all over the world and attempts to acquaint them with the isolated country. It’s just like a regular summer camp, but instead of capture the flag, you play capture the South Korean, instead of making lanyards in arts & crafts, you make Samsung Galaxy 5’s, and instead of creating treasured memories that will last a lifetime, you’re there until you die.

5. Orlando Bloom and Justin Bieber got into a bar fight early Wednesday morning at a nightclub in Ibiza. Which is bad publicity for the actor and the singer, but even worse publicity for bar fights.

6. According to estimates, Beyonce and Jay-Z will make $84 million from their world tour. I’d hate to be the person who breaks that news to Solange.

7. Yesterday, CBS confirmed that production on “The Big Bang Theory’s” eighth season has been postponed due to “ongoing contract negotiations.””Whatever you do, don’t call him Chiam Levine, he hates that,” said Charlie Sheen.

8. An award-winning goat has gone missing from a Colorado county fair, leaving its owner and organizers stumped. Local authorities don’t expect foul play, but, just to be safe, they are questioning the chickens.

9. A German teen who lost his cell phone in a pond, tried to get it back by draining the water and pumping it into a nearby toilet, which caused major damage when the water flooded the tank and sent the waste spewing. I don’t want to tell anyone how to do their job, but German newspapers better use the headline “Angry Turds.”

10. A German teen who lost his cell phone in a pond, tried to get it back by draining the water and pumping it into a nearby toilet, which caused major damage when the water flooded the tank and sent the waste spewing. Or, as it is more commonly known in Germany, foreplay.

11. A Texas company is offering a unique send off for beloved pets by placing a portion of their cremated remains in a capsule and blasting them off into outer space. “It’s what Astro would have wanted,” said Elroy.

12. In an interview yesterday, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said she has no plans to retire despite calls from fellow liberals who want the 81-year-old to step down while Democratic President Barack Obama is still in office to appoint her successor. Said Ginsburg, “I make snap judgments about people I don’t know and wear a robe all day, I’m pretty sure I’m retired.”

13. The U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention on Thursday issued a travel advisory against non-essential trips to Guinea, Liberia and Sierra Leone to curb the spread of the Ebola virus. So, if there’s a God, Justin Bieber’s upcoming concert in Liberia will be labeled essential.

14. Mike Rowe, host of the TV show “Dirty Jobs,” announced on Tuesday that he intends to run for County Judge in Lafayette, Arkansas. I’m not sure what’s more surprising, a celebrity giving up a lucrative television career to run for judge in Arkansas, or that they have judges in Arkansas.

15. Last week, the trailer for “50 Shades of Grey” premiered on “the Today Show.” But to make sure viewers didn’t get too excited, the trailer was introduced by Willard Scott.

16. A man in a Brazilian prison was caught trying to sneak two mobile phones, batteries, pliers, two drills and five nails in his rectum to an inmate. I don’t know what the punishment for his actions will be, but if he goes to prison I get the feeling he’s gonna be very popular there.

17. A western Pennsylvania couple, accusing of luring their five-year-old son into the trunk of their car with candy to resolve his fear of the dark, was granted probation last week. Although, if you had two lunatic parents you’d be scared too when it got dark and you couldn’t see where they were.

18. A California woman who spooked her small community by anonymously leaving porcelain dolls on the doorsteps of fellow churchgoers that eerily resembled their daughters told police she is embarrassed by the incidents. Proving that sometimes God makes you barren for a reason.