10 Best Jokes of the Week (as decided by me, I don’t care about your opinion)

1. Dr. Ben Carson, a devout Christian and a renowned neurosurgeon, said he feels that God told him to run for president in 2016. So, maybe don’t let him operate on your brain.

2. On Saturday, Dutch health officials said they were destroying 8,000 ducks to prevent the possible spread of bird flu. “Oh, poor them!” said sarcastic turkeys.

3. A 1914 watercolor by Adolf Hitler sold for $161,000 at auction in Nuremberg on Saturday. It would have fetched a higher price but Mel Gibson couldn’t catch a flight to Germany on such short notice.

4. On Friday, addressing the multiple sexual assault claims against him, comedian Bill Cosby told a Florida newspaper “I know people are tired of me not saying anything.” Which is dangerous, because bad things tend to happen when people get tired around Bill Cosby.

5. On Sunday, the New York Times reported that Sting will join the cast of his Broadway musical “The Last Ship.” So, if you’ve ever thought, I’d love to see Sting act, congratulations, you’re an idiot.

6. Yesterday, embattled comedian Bill Cosby’s show in Yakima, Washington was canceled by event organizers. But, if I know anything about Cosby, he won’t take “no” for an answer.

7. A hospital in eastern China is offering fathers-to-be a chance to experience the pain associated with childbirth. And, since this is China, I assume “pain associated with childbirth” means having a daughter.

8. Over the weekend, at Boston’s Logan International Airport, a naked man fell through the ceiling of a women’s restroom, ran outside and bit the ear of an 84-year-old man. “Boy do I,” said the 84-year-old when asked by customs if he had anything to declare.

9. On Tuesday, Will Lautzenheiser thanked the Boston surgeons who performed a rare dual arm transplant on him last month. Lautzenheiser thanked them by giving them five thumbs up, there are still some kinks in the procedure.

10. Competitive eater Joey Chesnut set a new record by eating an entire turkey in ten minutes. Afterwards, the person who got the wishbone wished to unsee the whole thing.

November 26, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. A hospital in eastern China is offering fathers-to-be a chance to experience the pain associated with childbirth. And, since this is China, I assume “pain associated with childbirth” means having a daughter.

2. Last week, 4,200 rabbis from 80 countries met in Brooklyn for a conference. That, or there was a Mumford & Sons concert.

3. Over the weekend, at Boston’s Logan International Airport, a naked man fell through the ceiling of a women’s restroom, ran outside and bit the ear of an 84-year-old man. “Boy do I,” said the 84-year-old when asked by customs if he had anything to declare.

4. On Tuesday, Will Lautzenheiser thanked the Boston surgeons who performed a rare dual arm transplant on him last month. Lautzenheiser thanked them by giving them five thumbs up, there are still some kinks in the procedure.

5. Competitive eater Joey Chesnut set a new record by eating an entire turkey in ten minutes. Afterwards, the person who got the wishbone wished to unsee the whole thing.

6. CNBC reported that Twitter is in talks to buy Shots, a selfie photo-sharing app financially-backed by Justin Bieber. It’s all part of Twitter’s plan to give Bieber enough money that he stops making music.

7. Actor Shia LaBeouf made a brief appearance in Manhattan Criminal Court on Tuesday to show he was in compliance with a treatment program after he pleaded guilty to disorderly conduct in September. And, as with anything LaBeouf appears in, as a result, the New York court’s Rotten Tomatoes approval rating plummeted.

8. The Cowardly Lion costume worn in “The Wizard of Oz” was auctioned for nearly $3.1 million on Tuesday. “Now comes the hard part, deciding who should wear it during our role-playing,” said Siegfried.

9. On Monday, at the 2014 USA Swimming Golden Goggles Awards, Michael Phelps was named Male Athlete of the Year. The runner-up was Phelps’ girlfriend.

10. A Siberian tiger released into the wild by Russian President Vladimir Putin is the main suspect in a series of goat deaths in China’s northeast. Even crazier, all the goats died from gunshot wounds.

November 25, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. Yesterday, embattled comedian Bill Cosby’s show in Yakima, Washington was canceled by event organizers. But, if I know anything about Cosby, he doesn’t take “no” for an answer.

2. The Grand Jury in Ferguson, Missouri decided not to indict police officer Darren Wilson in the shooting death of unarmed teenager Michael Brown, late last night. Or, as George Zimmerman thought of it, a normal Monday night.

3. On Sunday, the New York Times reported that Sting will join the cast of his Broadway musical “The Last Ship.” So, if you’ve ever thought, I’d love to see Sting act, congratulations, you’re an idiot.

4. A Cleveland Browns fan who tried to approach backup quarterback Johnny Manziel at a club early Saturday morning told police he was attacked by the player’s entourage. Manziel’s bodyguards became suspicious when the guy openly and without provocation identified himself as a Browns fan.

5. On Sunday, the NFL officially announced that singer Katy Perry will headline the halftime entertainment at this year’s SuperBowl. Ensuring that no matter who wins the game, everyone in attendance will be a loser.

6. Over the weekend, President Obama played a round of golf in Las Vegas with Derek Jeter because, and I quote, “Fuck it, why not?”

7. Students unhappy with school meals are taking it out on the First Lady by sharing images on social media of lunches tagged with #ThanksMichelleObama. So at least schools are teaching our kids sarcasm.

8. According to a new study, older couples in bad marriage have a higher risk for heart disease than those who are happily wed. Which, I guess, means Mrs. Dick Cheney must be a real fucking monster.

9. Last week, scientists announced they believe penis transplants will be possible in the next five years. “Why wait five years? Someone can have mine right now,” said Bruce Jenner.

10. Former Washington Mayor Marion Berry died on Sunday at the age of 78. He is survived by his wife, his son and dozens of drug-dealers who now need to find a new way to support their families.

November 24, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. Dr. Ben Carson, a devout Christian and a renowned neurosurgeon, said he feels that God wants him to run for president in 2016. So, maybe don’t let him operate on your brain.

2. Terrence Bean, a major Democratic donor and prominent supporter of President Obama, was arrested last week on charges of sexual abuse related to an encounter with a juvenile male. Or, as FoxNews reported it, Christmas has come early this year.

3. According to a new study, older couples in bad marriages have a higher risk for heart disease than those who are happily wed. So, if you’re in a bad marriage, hang in there, you’ll probably be dead soon anyway.

4. According to figures released on Friday, President Obama’s speech announcing his sweeping immigration reforms reached 4.8 million viewers on Univision. While 3.1 million watched it on FoxNews, but for completely different reasons.

5. On Saturday, Dutch health officials said they were destroying 8,000 ducks to prevent the possible spread of bird flu. “Oh, poor them!” said sarcastic turkeys.

6. A 1914 watercolor by Adolf Hitler sold for $161,000 at auction in Nuremberg on Saturday. It would have fetched a higher price but Mel Gibson couldn’t catch a flight to Germany on such short notice.

7. On Friday, addressing the multiple sexual assault claims against him, comedian Bill Cosby told a Florida newspaper “I know people are tired of me not saying anything.” Which is dangerous, because bad things tend to happen when people get tired around Bill Cosby.

8. On Saturday, golfer Tiger Woods said he has started working with a new swing coach named Chris Como. Or at least that’s what he’s telling his girlfriend and he’d appreciate if we all played along.

9. On Friday, the United Nations agreed that all members should pass and enforce laws barring child marriages. “I guess I’ll see myself out,” said U.N. delegate Woody Allen.

10. Last week, scientists announced they believe penis transplants will be possible in the next five years. Adding, “That, or my wife is gonna divorce me.”

10 Best Jokes of the Week (as decided by me, I don’t care about your opinion)

1. Tennessee Titans tight-end Chase Coffman has been fined $30,000 by the NFL for hitting a Baltimore Ravens assistant coach on the sidelines during a game last week. But, on the plus-side, at least the abuse is getting closer to taking place on the field.

2. A 91-year-old woman in Poland was declared dead on November 6 and sent to a funeral home, only to wake up 11 hours later in cold storage. It marked the first and only time anyone, even for a brief moment, mistook Poland for heaven.

3. R.A. Montgomery, author of the long-running “Choose Your Own Adventure” books, died last week. His last words were reportedly, “Quick, go back to page 42.”

4. Hipsters in the Middle East are being confused with Jihadists because of their long beards. “Two birds, one stone,” said the guy who operates the drones.

5. 80-year-old Charles Manson is set to wed his 26-year-old girlfriend. That’s ridiculous, he’s old enough to have murdered her grandfather.

6. Yesterday, Ireland beat the United States in soccer 4-1. Or, as Irish fans saw it, 44-11.

7. The Game Show Network announced they will add a horror themed game show next year called “Hellevator.” And even though it hasn’t aired yet, the NFL has already publicly claimed that they haven’t seen it.

8. On Thursday, federal officials recalled 4.7 million strollers after reports of amputations. Which is ridiculous, because that’s when you’re gonna need a stroller the most.

9. According to a new study, rushing to put on a condom may lead to problems that raise the risk of sexually transmitted diseases. Or, at least, that’s what I’m telling every girl from now on.

10. On Thursday, the NFL announced that the game between the Jets and the Bills will be moved from Buffalo to Detroit due to the snowstorm. The game will mark the first time in history that anyone has ever uttered the phrase, “I can’t wait to get back to Buffalo.”

November 21, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. The creators of the Lammily Doll, a realistic version of Barbie, are offering special sticker packs which allow kids to give the dolls acne, cellulite and tattoos. As a result, the makers of the Honey Boo Boo doll are suing for copyright infringement.

2. Yesterday, Oklahoma City Thunder forward and perennial All-Star Kevin Durant signed an endorsement deal with fast food chain Sonic. “Now you’re just trying to piss us off,” said Seattle basketball fans.

3. Over 80,000 people have signed a Change.org petition to have the TLC reality show “19 Kids and Counting” canceled in light of what the petition calls the Duggar family’s anti-gay stance. To show that they are gay friendly, TLC has launched a new show entitled “0 Kids and Antiquing.”

4. On Thursday, federal officials recalled 4.7 million strollers after reports of amputations. Which is ridiculous, because that’s when you’re gonna need a stroller the most.

5. Several students in Bangkok have been detained in recent days after flashing the signature anti-establishment, three-fingered salute from “The Hunger Games” to express their dissatisfaction with Thailand’s military rulers. Said the students, “Would you prefer one finger?”

6. According to the New York Post, GoDaddy is planning an initial public offering next year that would value the company at $4.5 billion. But, if company spokesperson Danica Patrick is any indication, they’ll be happy with $178 and a participation trophy.

7. According to a new study, rushing to put on a condom may lead to problems that raise the risk of sexually transmitted diseases. Or, at least, that’s what I’m telling every girl from now on.

8. According to a new study, the most common age in America right now is 22. Which means Charles Manson could have done better.

9. Yesterday, San Francisco announced that it will bid for the 2024 Olympic Games. “That’s perfect, I won’t even have to travel,” said every male figure skater.

10. On Thursday, the NFL announced that the game between the Jets and the Bills will be moved from Buffalo to Detroit due to the snowstorm. The game will mark the first time in history that anyone has ever uttered the phrase, “I can’t wait to get back to Buffalo.”

11. The Niagara University women’s basketball team was stranded for 24 hours on a bus that was stuck on the highway during a massive winter snowstorm in western New York on Tuesday. Players said it was scary, but also educational because now they know how people feel when they come to one of their games.

12. A man in California is under arrest after he stabbed his potential employer during a job interview. But, in his defense, he did list “not stabbing people” as one of his weaknesses.

13. Justin Bieber will reportedly spend the next two weeks with a pastor learning how to spread the word of God. Which makes me seriously reconsider my stance on priests molesting boys.

14. Civil rights leader Al Sharpton sharply denounced a New York Times report that he is subject to $4.5 million in tax liens. And Sharpton has a pretty good point, because wouldn’t he need a job in order to be required to pay taxes?

15. A Florida woman and her daughter gave birth within three hours of each other at the same hospital earlier this week. Or, as they refer to it in Florida, a normal Tuesday.

16. A 91-year-old woman in Poland was declared dead on November 6 and sent to a funeral home, only to wake up 11 hours later in cold storage. Unfortunately, the coroner died of a heart attack.

17. On Friday, the U.S. government said it is spending $425 million to build two super-computers, which would be the world’s fastest, for research into basic science as well as nuclear weapons. Experts believe it will take two whole months until they are both used primarily to look at pornography.

18. During a radio interview on Sunday, President Ellen Johnson Sirleaf said Liberia has set a national goal of having no new cases of Ebola by December 25. So, if you’re a Liberian Ebola patient, you may want to reconsider attending the “party” the government just invited you to on December 24.

19. Boy Band One Direction joined some of music’s biggest names on Saturday to record a new version of the Band Aid charity song to raise money to fight Ebola in Africa. So, if you thought you were bleeding from the ears before…

20. Justin Bieber has reportedly met with a Rabbi to explore Judaism. Said Jews, “Thanks, but no thanks, we don’t need to be be blamed for anything else.”

November 20, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. President Obama will announce his plan to fix immigration today at 8pm during a nationally televised press conference. His plan, step one, wait two years. Step two, let Hillary deal with this shit.

2. Charles Manson’s future mother-in-law says she approves of her daughter marrying the convicted murderer. So move over Dina Lohan.

3. A new app for Google Glass has been released that lets users watch themselves while having sex. “Finally,” said Kanye.

4. The biggest advertising billboard in Times Square history, longer than a football field and eight stories high, will turn on its nearly 24 million LED pixels next Tuesday. The screen is so massive that it is able to show almost half of Kim Kardashian’s ass.

5. A banking culture that implicitly puts financial gain above all else fuels greed and dishonesty and makes bankers more likely to cheat, according to the findings of a scientific study or anyone who’s ever seen “Wall Street.”

6. According to a new study, a decline in a person’s thinking ability in older age has been linked to having close personal relationships in middle age that cause stress, problems or worries. Or, as it is more commonly known, marriage.

7. The company behind Lunar Mission One is turning to Kickstarter to raise $1 million by offering people who pledge $90 the chance to send a memory box to the moon to be buried. “How big is the box?” said Ralph Kramden.

8. The Game Show Network announced they will add a horror themed game show next year called “Hellevator.” And even though it hasn’t aired yet, the NFL has already publicly claimed that they haven’t seen it.

9. A man in India is being held in quarantine at the New Delhi airport after traces of Ebola were found in his semen. Either the security measures at the New Delhi airport are very invasive or that guy really loves to fly.

10. A winter storm has dropped over 70 inches of snow on Western New York, stranding motorists, knocking down power lines and threatening to postpone the Buffalo Bills’ weekend matchup with the Jets. So. I guess, it’s not all bad news.

November 19, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. Over the weekend, Beyonce’s younger sister, Solange Knowles, got married. Solange wore a dress by designer Stephanie Rolland, while Jay-Z wore a suit of armor.

2. 80-year-old Charles Manson is set to wed his 26-year-old girlfriend. That’s ridiculous, he’s old enough to have murdered her grandfather.

3. Dwayne Gratz, a cornerback for the Jacksonville Jaguars, was arrested early Sunday morning for disorderly intoxication and trespassing after trying to pay for items at a store with bubble gum. But, in Gratz’s defense, that is how the Jaguars pay him.

4. Yesterday, following his child abuse hearing, the NFL suspended Minnesota Vikings running back Adrian Peterson for the remainder of the season, a ruling that Peterson said he would appeal for being too harsh. “I didn’t realize he knew the phrase ‘a punishment too harsh.’” said his son.

5. On Tuesday, the U.N. voted in favor of a draft resolution referring North Korea to the International Criminal Court for crimes against humanity for rampant human rights abuses. So, problem solved.

6. Yesterday, Ireland beat the United States in soccer 4-1. Or, as Irish fans saw it, 44-11.

7. The Oscar won by the late James Cagney for the 1942 musical “Yankee Doodle Dandy” is expected to fetch at least $800,000 on Thursday at auction in Los Angeles. The value of the golden statue would have been much higher but then Adrian Brody won one.

8. An Idaho teacher is facing disciplinary action after she killed and skinned a rabbit in front of her biology class. Said the teacher, “Now, are there anymore questions about who can eat from this box of Trix?”

9. Authorities in Georgia are investigating child abuse allegations against NBA superstar Dwight Howard. But, on the plus-side, it’s good see an NBA player spending time with his kids.

10. A 1914 watercolor by Adolf Hitler is set to hit the auction block this Saturday. It is perfect for the art collector who missed out on Mussolini’s finger-paintings.

November 18, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. An Australian morning TV show anchor wore the same suit every day for a year, sometimes going weeks between cleanings. Said his co-anchor, “I still prefer this to sitting next to Matt Lauer.”

2. The California Department of Corrections said that Charles Manson has been granted a marriage license and will be allowed to wed while in prison. So I’m no longer scared of Charles Manson, but I am now petrified of the person who agreed to marry Charles Manson.

3. According to a new study, merely recommending a calorie-counting app to overweight people and giving them access to it on their phones does not lead to weight loss. Mainly, because their fingers are too fat to operate the app.

4. On Monday, Boston Marathon champion Meb Keflezighi and Diamond League winner Jenny Simpson were named U.S. athletes of the year. Either that or the guy who made the announcement said Jenny’s name and then sneezed.

5. A 30-year Harlem resident who suffers from incontinence has been evicted from his apartment by a New York City judge who said the stench of his urine jeopardized the safety of other tenants. And yet, the F-train is still allowed to operate on a daily basis.

6. Pope Francis announced on Monday he will make his first official visit to the U.S next year. Quick, everyone, hide the porn.

7. Pope Francis announced on Monday he will make his first official visit to the U.S next year. He will be traveling to Philadelphia, the city that booed the Easter Bunny and pelted Santa Claus with snowballs. So I guess what I’m saying is, bring the Popemobile.

8. Last week, Paris Hilton won women’s newcomer of the year at an awards ceremony for DJs. So I’m sorry to the, I’m guessing, zero other nominees.

9. The company that makes Botox was recently sold for $6 billion. The former owner was happy with the sale price, at least I think he was, it was really hard to tell.

10. Yesterday, Time Magazine apologized to women for suggesting a ban on the word “feminist.” Said Time Magazine, “We’re sorry, we didn’t realize anyone was still reading Time Magazine.”

November 17, 2014 – Monologue Joke

1. Tennessee Titans tight-end Chase Coffman has been fined $30,000 by the NFL for hitting a Baltimore Ravens assistant coach on the sidelines during a game last week. But, on the plus-side, at least the abuse is getting closer to taking place on the field.

2. A 91-year-old woman in Poland was declared dead on November 6 and sent to a funeral home, only to wake up 11 hours later in cold storage. It marked the first and only time anyone ever mistook Poland for heaven.

3. In a recording released by TMZ, actress Amanda Bynes is heard saying that she wants to murder her father. No word on whether Drake will somehow be involved in this murder as well.

4. In recent interviews with multiple prominent evangelical leaders, no one listed opposition to gay marriage as their top priority. This softening in stance has been attributed to the new, young evangelical minister, Tad Handsome.

5. One Republican leader on Sunday held open the possibility that his party could move to shut down the government in an attempt to stop President Obama from taking executive action on immigration policy. Said immigrants, “We’ll do those jobs.”

6. President Obama on Sunday defended his signature healthcare law after one of the White House’s advisers said the law passed because of the “stupidity” of the American voters. “My ears are burning,” said Joe Biden.

7. A two-cornered hat that belonged to French emperor Napoleon Bonaparte was sold to an anonymous South Korean bidder for $2.4 million at auction on Sunday. Are you sure the bidder who won the hat of the tiny leader who was hell bent on world domination wasn’t from North Korea?

8. Exotic dancers at a midtown Manhattan strip club were awarded early $10.9 million by a judge who found they were employees unfairly classified by the club as independent contractors. Although, I think it was a little uncouth for the judge to award that money by making it rain.

9. R.A. Montgomery, author of the long-running “Choose Your Own Adventure” books, died last week. His last words were reportedly, “Quick, go back to page 42.”

10. Hipsters in the Middle East are being confused with Jihadists because of their long beards. “Two birds, one stone,” said the guy who operates the drones.