Monologue Jokes – October 31, 2016

1. According to reports, Hillary Clinton is considering Vice President Joe Biden for the position of Secretary of State in her would-be cabinet. So heads up Chancellor Merkel:
biden

2. Thursday evening, the plane carrying Republican vice presidential candidate Mike Pence slid off the runway while landing at New York’s LaGuardia Airport. And you know your campaign is going poorly when even LaGuardia Airport is literally trying to distance itself from you.

3. On Friday, the FBI announced that it had found new emails related to Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton’s use of a private computer server after the agency seized cell phones belonging to Clinton aide Huma Abedin and her husband, Anthony Weiner. Thus accomplishing what many have tried and failed to do for so long, get a cell phone out of Anthony Weiner’s hands.

4. The FBI said on Friday it was investigating more emails as part of a probe into Hillary Clinton’s use of a private email system, just 11 days before Election Day. Or, as it was reported on Fox News:
foxnews

5. A 10-year-old New Mexico boy was told he could not wear his Hillary Clinton t-shirt to school. Which is bullshit, because from what I’ve seen at most rallies, not wearing a shirt at all means you’re a Trump supporter.

6. Over the weekend, a giant load of manure was dumped outside a Democratic Party headquarters in Ohio. Police have one suspect:
elephant

7. A Ukrainian man has officially changed his name to iPhone 7. Which is stupid because you know in nine months his parents are gonna come out with a new edition iPhone 8:
bedroom

8. Over the weekend, a hotdog cart in New Jersey exploded. As a result, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie has ordered all flags statewide be lowered to half-mast.

9. On Sunday, Ivanka Trump turned 35. I know the fact that she’s his daughter hasn’t prevented Trump from openly talking about dating Ivanka, but her turning 35 should do the trick.

10. A Tennessee woman was arrested Thursday after numerous witnesses called 911 to report that a partially nude woman wearing clown makeup was blocking traffic. Begging the question, what was Christina Aguilera doing in Tennessee?

10 Best Jokes of the Week (as decided by me, I don’t care about your opinion)

1. Mexican President Enrique Pena Nieto on Sunday defended his decision to host a visit by U.S. presidential candidate Donald Trump to Mexico, but he said it could have been carried out “in a better way.” For instance:firing-squad

2. Monday night, at a campaign rally in Florida, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump hugged an American flag onstage. “Aha! So he is capable of hugging,” said Eric and Don Jr.

3. There is a company in New Mexico that will make a ceramic mug out of the ashes of your loved ones. So, even if you don’t care for coffee, you can still have a cup of Joe in the morning.

4. According to a new study, women experiencing menopause symptoms like hot flashes and sleeping problems do better if they have a comfortable workplace and a supportive boss. In other words, Omarosa is fucked.

5. During a campaign rally on Sunday in Florida, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump said he wants to continue having “Trump rallies” for the next eight years. Yeah, they will, they’re called NASCAR races.

6. According to new guidelines, infants should sleep in the same bedroom as their parents for at least the first six months of their lives to minimize the risk of sleep-related deaths. And, just to be on the safe side, Donald Trump has insisted on sleeping in the same bed as his daughter Ivanka for the past 30 years.

7. A mom in New York started a website called “Sh*t My Kids Ruined” full of pictures of things her children have destroyed. And, considering her first child was 12 pounds, 8 ounces and she didn’t have a c-section, so you can probably guess what the first picture she posted was of.

8. An American team of robots defeated an Australian team of robots in soccer on Monday to win the RoboCup Challenge. So, unfortunately, in the future it looks like we’ll still have soccer.

9. During Thursday night’s Al Smith Dinner in New York, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump compared himself to Jesus, saying he too started out as a carpenter for his father. And, with any luck, the stories will end the same way too.

10. Iranian President Hassan Rouhani said on Sunday the harsh exchanges in the presidential debates pointed to a lack of morality in America. Specifically, the part where they let a woman speak her mind part.

October 28, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Thanks to advancements in technology, men who fantasize about sex with giant women are now able to use virtual reality to make it happen. Which is good news, because Khloe Kardashian can only sleep with so many guys.
 
2. At a recent Donald Trump rally, a white woman was seen holding a “Blacks for Trump” sign. That’s crazy, what were the odds that both Ben Carson and Omarosa would be busy that day?
 
3. At a recent Donald Trump rally, a white woman was seen holding a “Blacks for Trump” sign. But, in her defense, “Women for Trump” signs don’t exist.
 
4. Yesterday, Twitter announced that it will be shutting down Vine, an app that allowed users to share six second videos. Luckily, if you want to continue watching short videos starring people of questionable talent, Jamie Foxx is now making commercials.
 
5. During an interview yesterday, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump said his wife Melania will give two or three speeches in the final days of the presidential race. The actual number depends on how many speeches Michelle Obama gives in the final days.
 
6. Melania Trump will give two or three speeches in the final days of the presidential race, Republican candidate Donald Trump said in a television interview, apparently surprising his wife. Trump is no stranger to surprising women, but it usually has to do with how cold his hands are.
 
7. Russian President Vladimir Putin said on Thursday that U.S. presidential candidate Donald Trump behaved extravagantly during his campaign because he wanted to get his message across. Although Putin did not clarify whether he was talking about Trump or himself when he said ‘his message.’

8. Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump has asked his campaign to cut back on work identifying candidates for key jobs in his would-be administration and focus instead on bolstering his chances on Election Day. Ironically, one of the best ways to bolster his chances on Election Day would be to identify a new candidate for the role of president.

9. According to a new study, women are more attracted to men who are already taken than those who are single. Which explains why Bill stays married to Hillary.

10. During an interview Wednesday night on MSNBC, Republican vice presidential candidate Mike Pence accidentally referred to his running-mate Donald Trump as his ‘opponent.’ Although, in all fairness, Trump really is the only guy standing in Pence’s way of being the next vice president.

11. There is a company in New Mexico that will make a ceramic mug out of the ashes of your loved ones. So your late-wife might finally learn where the dishwasher is.

12. A jeweler in Texas is offering a free gun with the purchase of any engagement ring. The store also has a ‘no questions asked’ return policy on the ring.
 
13. Mexican President Enrique Pena Nieto on Sunday defended his decision to host a visit by U.S. presidential candidate Donald Trump to Mexico, but he said it could have been carried out “in a better way.” For instance:
firing-squad
 
14. Monday morning, ‘The New York Times’ printed every insult Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump has said during his campaign. And, in related news, ‘The New York Times’ has run out of ink.

15. On Thursday night, Donald Trump was booed at the Al Smith Dinner in New York City, where the presidential candidates traditionally gather to comically poke fun at themselves and each other. Donald, any comedian will tell you, don’t try out new material on the road, you should have stuck with the classics like: “No one has more respect for women than me” or “Mexico is gonna pay for the wall” or maybe just holding up your tiny little hands.

16. A secret Nazi military base in the Arctic has been discovered by Russian scientists. Said the Nazi soldier manning the base, “So, how’d the war turn out?”

17. On Friday, Australian Olympic gold medalist Mack Horton took to Facebook and Twitter to thank the person who spotted a suspicious mole on the swimmer’s chest on TV during the Olympics and urged him to get it checked out. A very good excuse that I wished I had thought of when my wife caught me watching women’s beach volleyball a little too closely.

18. A former Wells Fargo employee said she was so stressed over meeting quotas and selling customers unneeded services that she developed a habit of chugging a bottle of hand sanitizer a day. Say what you will about Wells Fargo, but my bank doesn’t even offer free hand sanitizer.

19. A woman in Seattle is auctioning off her virginity for $400,000 to help her family rebuild their house. I’ll only bid if she has a sturdy foundation and a ample second story.

20. Chilean President Michelle Bachelet had a rocky go of voting in the nation’s local elections on Sunday, having to return to the polls twice after leaving her ID behind and forgetting to sign her name. Even worse, she accidentally voted for the other guy.

October 27, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. During an interview Tuesday night, Newt Gingrich accused Fox News’ Megyn Kelly of being, “fascinated with sex.” Luckily the most reliable cure for a fascination with sex is hearing Newt Gingrich talk about sex.
 
2. Monday night, at a campaign rally in Florida, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump hugged an American flag onstage. “Aha! So he is capable of hugging,” said Eric and Don Jr.

3. On Wednesday, the Hillary Clinton campaign announced that the Democratic presidential nominee will hold her election night rally in New York City. And, as an extra kick in the balls, they’ve rented out Trump Tower.

4. On Wednesday, former Illinois Representative and Donald Trump surrogate, Joe Walsh said on Twitter, “On November 9th, if Trump loses, I’m grabbing my musket.” Which I assume is a playful name for Walsh’s wife’s vagina.

5. This week, a Chicago man married the woman he anonymously donated his liver to, two years after the operation. So I guess they had their ‘something borrowed’ covered.

6. There is a company in New Mexico that will make a ceramic mug out of the ashes of your loved ones. So, even if you don’t care for coffee, you can still have a cup of Joe in the morning.

7. Megan Marx and Tiffany Scanlon, two contestants on the latest season of Australia’s version of ‘The Bachelor,’ are now dating each other. “I think I know what I want to do for my fantasy suite,” said the bachelor.

8. WWE wrestler the Undertaker visited the locker room of the reigning NBA champion Cleveland Cavaliers ahead of their opening game against the New York Knicks on Tuesday night. Not to be outdone, an actual undertaker visited the Knicks.

9. Yesterday, on a Spanish-language TV show, Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton claimed that Mexican is her favorite type of food. Said Donald Trump, “You know, the two of us, we’re not so different”:
trump-taco

10. In a recent interview, Netflix CEO Reed Hastings said the future of TV could be pills that make people hallucinate television shows. Which is the complete opposite of the much more common phenomena of TV shows that make people take pills:
kardashians

October 26, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to reports, before the last presidential debate in Las Vegas, many of Donald Trump’s advisors went to a strip club. Many, but not all:
buffet

2. On Monday, President Obama said he has seen the infamous Access Hollywood bus tape featuring Billy Bush and Donald Trump. Which means even Billy Bush made it inside the White House before Jeb.

3. According to a new study, women experiencing menopause symptoms like hot flashes and sleeping problems do better if they have a comfortable workplace and a supportive boss. In other words, Omarosa is fucked.

4. During an appearance on ‘Jimmy Kimmel Live’ Monday night, President Obama revealed that he has an iPhone that he uses to send emails but the phone is not capable of making calls. Oh, so he has AT&T.
 
5. During an appearance on ‘Jimmy Kimmel Live’ Monday night, President Obama said if he were able to run for a third term Michelle would divorce him. Although, I’m not sure that would be necessary since Hillary Clinton would surely kidnap him first:
obama

6. According to research, the gender drinking gap, the ratio of men that drink to women that drink, has closed significantly over the past fifty years. So congratulations ladies on breaking the glass ceiling and the glass coffee table.

7. This week, singer Miley Cyrus went door-to-door at George Mason University in support of Hillary Clinton. “Oh, did you forget you shirt or something?” said every guy at the Kappa Episilon fraternity when she knocked on their door.

8. Arrested Mexican drug-kingpin Joaquin ‘El Chapo’ Guzman is unhappy that his conjugal visits with his wife have been cut from four hours down to two. Because, if there’s one thing we know about El Chapo it’s that he loves ‘tunneling.’

9. A professor at the University of Canterbury in New Zealand, his recently published paper on Nuclear Physics written entirely by Apple’s autocorrect function. The paper reads, “Put your head between your legs and kiss your ducking ass goodbye.”

10. Patrick Murphy, the Democrat in Florida seeking to unseat Marco Rubio, has denied he has ever done business with Donald Trump, even though his family’s construction company built two Trump-branded condominiums. But, in Murphy’s defense, just because you had a contract with and built something for Donald Trump doesn’t mean he actually paid you.

October 25, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. During a campaign rally on Sunday in Florida, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump said he wants to continue having “Trump rallies” for the next eight years. Yeah, they will, they’re called NASCAR races.

2. According to new guidelines, infants should sleep in the same bedroom as their parents for at least the first six months of their lives to minimize the risk of sleep-related deaths. And, just to be on the safe side, Donald Trump has insisted on sleeping in the same bed as his daughter Ivanka for the past 30 years.

3. The ex-wife of disgraced Subway pitchman Jared Fogle is suing the sandwich chain, charging that top executives knew of his pedophilia as early as 2004 and should have notified authorities. Although I think she may have known too considering this is the happy couple on their wedding day:
wedding

4. A mom in New York started a website called “Sh*t My Kids Ruined” full of pictures of things her children have destroyed. And, considering her first child was 12 pounds, 8 ounces and she didn’t have a c-section, so you can probably guess what the first picture she posted was of.

5. According to reports, after being fired from NBC, Billy Bush is planning to move back to Los Angeles from New York. Hopefully he’s taking a plane, because he has a history of bad things happening when he gets on a bus.

6. Police in Ohio are investigating after someone broke into a woman’s Jeep Wrangler, stealing approximately $1,000 worth of sex toys from inside. Even though she’s not a suspect, the woman asked if the cops would use their handcuffs on her.

7. An American team of robots defeated an Australian team of robots in soccer on Monday to win the RoboCup Challenge. So, unfortunately, in the future it looks like we’ll still have soccer.

8. Actor Luke Perry appeared on the cover of this month’s edition of AARP magazine after turing 50. And yet somehow still looks younger than Andrea Zuckerman.

9. Friday marks the 130th anniversary of the dedication of the Statue of Liberty in New York harbor. To celebrate, the inscription is being changed to “You know what, on second, you keep the huddled masses.”

10. During a campaign rally on Sunday in Florida, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump said, “we’re setting records with men, but I want to set records with women.” Begging the question, do criminal records count?

October 24, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Last week, Vanilla Ice’s wife filed for divorce after nearly twenty years of marriage. Begging the question, what’s half of nothing?
 
2. During Thursday night’s Al Smith Dinner in New York, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump compared himself to Jesus, saying he too started out as a carpenter for his father. And, with any luck, the stories will end the same way too.

3. According to a new poll, parents would rather talk to their kids about sex than money. “Luckily, that’s just one conversation for me,” said Charlie Sheen.

4. The New Jersey Senate voted unanimously on Thursday to approve a bill requiring that the state’s student loan agency forgive the debts of borrowers who die. “Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Patterson, this is Edna from Rutgers’ student loan office. I have good news and bad news.”

5. A Tennessee man, banned from City Hall due to a restraining order, is running for mayor. “That’s it! If I become principal they’ll have to let me within 200 feet of a school,” said Jerry Sandusky.

6. Over the weekend, police determined an envelope of white powder sent to Hillary Clinton’s New York headquarters was not harmful. As opposed to the white power that consistently appears at Trump rallies.

7. On Friday, a singer knelt while performing the national anthem ahead of a Miami Heat preseason basketball game. “I wasn’t kneeling!” said Bruno Mars.

8. A Georgia teen who suffered a serious blow to the head during a soccer game, awoke from a coma speaking only Spanish. But, on the plus side, now that your kid refers to soccer as ‘futbol,’ you can pretend he plays a real sport.

9. Iranian President Hassan Rouhani said on Sunday the harsh exchanges in the presidential debates pointed to a lack of morality in America. Specifically, the part where they let a woman speak her mind part.

10. On Sunday, Donald Trump’s campaign manager Kellyanne Conway admitted that the Republican candidate is behind in the polls but added that’s only because Hillary “has some advantages.” Mainly, that her opponent keeps talking.

10 Best Jokes of the Week (as decided by me, I don’t care about your opinion)

1. Wednesday night, Donald Trump’s eldest son, Donald Trump Jr., said that his father’s pursuit of the presidency represented a “step down” from the Republican nominee’s business career. Hey, Don, your father’s pursuit of the presidency represented a step down for everyone.

2. On Thursday, zoo officials announced that Bao Bao, the female giant panda, will leave the National Zoo in Washington, D.C. next year and move to China under a breeding agreement. Although, maybe Bao Bao would have gotten more action stateside if you stopped referring to her as a ‘giant’ panda.

3. Last week, a man in the U.K. had to have his penis amputated after getting it stuck for four days in bottle he was using as sex toy. But, on the plus-side, he now has a full bottle of shampoo.

4. Yesterday, a jury in Los Angeles found New York Knicks point guard Derrick Rose not guilty on accusations of rape. Proving right all those sports experts who said, coming out of college, Rose would be the next Kobe.
 
5. According to a growing body of evidence, exercise could improve erectile dysfunction. And, if that’s the case, please wipe off your machine.

6. Young Americans are so dissatisfied with their choices in this presidential election that nearly one in four told an opinion poll they would rather have a giant meteor destroy the Earth than see Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton in the White House. “Does the giant meteor have a running mate yet?” asked a desperate Chris Christie.

7. This week, M&Ms announced that they will be introducing a new flavor, M&M’s Caramel, which will feature a soft caramel center, covered in chocolate and a crunchy colorful shell. You don’t want to know how they are made:
bed

8. When Mike Pence was asked to respond to an 11-year-old girl’s questions about body image and female objectification, the Republican vice presidential nominee responded by talking about foreign policy. Not one to shy away from a question, Pence’s running mate, Donald Trump, gave her body an 8, but her face a 5.

9. Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump is calling for there to be a drug test ahead of the third and final presidential debate. And, in related news, can you do Gary Johnson a solid and pee in this cup for him?

10. An Italian porn director has opened up a school dubbed ‘Porn University’ to teach aspiring adult film stars the tricks of the trade. To be accepted as an actress, all you need is a clean health report and a letter of recommendation from your step-father or uncle.

October 21, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Wednesday night, Donald Trump’s eldest son, Donald Trump Jr., said that his father’s pursuit of the presidency represented a “step down” from the Republican nominee’s business career. “No one said there would be steps involved,” said a winded Chris Christie.
 
2. Wednesday night, Donald Trump’s eldest son, Donald Trump Jr., said that his father’s pursuit of the presidency represented a “step down” from the Republican nominee’s business career. Trump equated it to going from an Ivanka to a Tiffany.
 
3. Wednesday night, Donald Trump’s eldest son, Donald Trump Jr., said that his father’s pursuit of the presidency represented a “step down” from the Republican nominee’s business career. Hey, Don, your father’s pursuit of the presidency represented a step down for everyone.
 
4. On Thursday, insurance giant MetLife announced that it will no longer be using Snoopy, Charlie Brown or any other members of the Peanuts gang in its ad campaigns. Although, it seems like they could have broke the news to Charlie in a nicer way:
charlie-brown

5. After Wednesday night’s third presidential debate, actor Stephen Baldwin, speaking about his brother Alec’s portrayal of Donald Trump on SNL, said, “I don’t think it’s very funny. I don’t think there’s anything funny about this election.” And Stephen knows a little something about unfunny, he starred in ‘Bio-Dome.’
 
6. According to the Center for Disease Control, last year reported cases of STDs reached a record high in America. And, in possibly related news, last year Ben Affleck got divorced.

7. On Thursday, zoo officials announced that Bao Bao, the female giant panda, will leave the National Zoo in Washington, D.C. next year and move to China under a breeding agreement. Although, maybe Bao Bao would have gotten more action stateside if you stopped referring to her as a ‘giant’ panda.

8. A truck competing in a NASCAR race this Saturday in Talladega will be covered in the Trump Pence 2016 campaign logo. Also representing the Trump campaign, any truck that catches on fire and continues to run the race.

9. A man in the U.K. is standing trial on child cruelty charges for farting in a boy’s face. He’s lawyer plans to go with the notorious “whoever smelt it, dealt it” defense.

10. A cooking class in the U.K. is teaching students how to cook with their own semen. “I knew this tasted familiar,” said Paris Hilton.

11. A cooking class in the U.K. is teaching students how to cook with their own semen. The first step in every recipe is to “whisk well.”

12. An New Jersey high school student was injured when she jumped out a second-story window to avoid taking a test Wednesday morning. She didn’t think she would get injured, so, I guess, either way, she failed her physics test.
 
13. Ringling Brothers is upset that people constantly refer to this year’s presidential election as ‘a circus.’ Although, referring to Donald Trump as a ‘three-ring circus’ is not inaccurate:
trump-weddings

14. According to a new study, New York is the second most rat infested city in America. And, I for one, blame this entirely on lazy bodega cats.

15. Malaysian Airlines is in talks to rent out its A380 superjumbos to religious travel groups for Haj and Umrah pilgrimages. Which is a great idea because, even in the worst case scenario, they’ll just get to Mecca quicker.

16. According to a new poll, 36% of Colorado residents said they would kill someone for money. So, for the love of God, will someone please check on the other 64%.
 
17. Scores of cat enthusiasts painted their faces and dressed up in elaborate and colorful feline costumes to celebrate Japan’s annual ghost cat festival. The ghost cat festival or, as it is known in Japan, the Goodbye Kitty festival.
 
18. Samantha Holvey, a former Miss Universe contestant from North Carolina, claims that then-pageant owner Donald Trump personally inspected each woman before the contest. Or, as Melania knows it, a first date.

19. A new report claims, more than 1,300 elderly people go missing in China every day. And, in a unrelated story, Princes Charles has graciously bought his mother, Queen Elizabeth, and all-expenses paid vacation to China.

20. Last week, a man in the U.K. had to have his penis amputated after getting it stuck for four days in bottle he was using as sex toy. But, on the plus-side, he now has a full bottle of shampoo.

October 20, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Last night Donald Trump refused to give his word that he will accept the results of the upcoming presidential election. “Yeah, he’s not great at taking ‘no’ for an answer,” said eight separate women and a ‘People’ magazine reporter.

2. During last night’s presidential debate, Donald Trump said he was pro-life and against “ripping babies from the womb.” Well, there goes at least one excuse Trump could have given as to why he’s been grabbing women by the genitals.

3. During last night’s presidential debate, Hillary Clinton called Donald Trump a puppet of the Russian government. I don’t know if that’s true, but if it is, I’d guess he’s this puppet:
oscar

4. According to reports, Donald Trump and campaign advisor Roger Ailes are no longer on speaking terms, but the reason why remains unclear. Although, if I had to guess, I would say they couldn’t agree on who gets first dibs on groping female staffers.

5. Yesterday, a jury in Los Angeles found New York Knicks point guard Derrick Rose not guilty on accusations of rape. Proving right all those sports experts who said, coming out of college, Rose would be the next Kobe.

6. For the first time in decades, kids’ superhero costumes are outselling kids’ princess costumes for Halloween. “Superman, Batman, Spiderman. I can’t wait to collect them all,” said Jerry Sandusky.
 
7. According to a growing body of evidence, exercise could improve erectile dysfunction. And, if that’s the case, please wipe off your machine.

8. During Wednesday night’s presidential debate, Donald Trump proclaimed that Vladimir Putin is not his best friend. “Really, then who has the other half of this?” asked a heartbroken Putin:
putin

9. According to a recently released WikiLeak email, Hillary Clinton included Starbucks CEO Howard Shultz on a short-list of potential vice president nominees. But who needs that boost of caffeine when you have the naturally high-energy dynamo that is Tim Kaine.

10. According to a recently released WikiLeak email, Hillary Clinton included Apple CEO Tim Cook and Microsoft founder Bill Gates on a short-list of potential vice president nominees. I guess she settled on the position of VP for the tech giants because the role of email deleter was already filled.