Monthly Archives: January 2019

January 22, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

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1. During an interview over the weekend, when President Trump was asked where he gets the energy to fight as hard as he does, the President responded, “Well, I guess I have good genes.” And now for the counter-argument:

2. A man in his 50s recently experienced so-called debilitating night blindness after accidentally taking an entire bottle of sexual-dysfunction medicine. But, on the plus side, now when he walks into walls, it’s not his nose that hits first. 

3. Authorities in China say experiments which led to the birth of the world’s first gene-edited babies broke the country’s laws. That story again, someone in China had a baby girl.

4. The prostitution trial of a self-described “sex coach” who claimed to have insider knowledge of Russia’s election interference ended abruptly on Tuesday after she unexpectedly pleaded guilty. Look, I’m no sex coach, but if she wanted to prevent things from ending abruptly, she should’ve thought about baseball.

5. Scientists have unveiled what they say is an ideal diet, including a doubling of consumption of nuts, fruits, vegetables and legumes, and a halving of meat and sugar intake. Or, as Trump thinks of it, fuck scientists:

6. President Trump proposed an immigration deal on Saturday in a bid to end a 29-day partial government shutdown, but Democrats immediately dismissed it. Trump hasn’t been turned down that quickly since the last time he tried to touch Melania: 

7. When asked to comment on the recent New York Times article that claimed the FBI opened an investigation into whether the President was working on behalf of Russia, President Trump said “I think it’s the most insulting article I’ve ever had written.” He knows there’s an article that accuses him of peeing on a bed of Russian hookers, right? 

8. Last week, tanker hauling 40,000 pounds of liquid chocolate rolled over on the interstate in Arizona, leaving a river of brown liquid all over the road. “It’s nothing I haven’t seen before,” said the guy who cleans up the Chipotle bathroom, reaching for a mop.

9. A photo of an ordinary, brown egg has broken Kylie Jenner’s record for most-liked photo on Instagram. That story again, an Instagram feed filled with pointless pictures and empty messages was beaten by an egg.

10. President Trump said on Monday he never worked for Russia. And, as an American, I can say it is the first time I have ever been jealous of Russia:

11. Tuesday night, New York Senator Kirsten Gillibrand announced her intention to run for president in 2020. A blonde, Democratic, female senator from New York running for president against Donald Trump, what could go wrong?

12. YouTube has banned users from sharing videos of dangerous pranks on its platform because of concerns about challenges that put people’s lives in jeopardy. So, from here on out, it’s two girls, two cups.

13. On Thursday, President Trump denied House Speaker Nancy Pelosi a military plane for a trip to Afghanistan, a tit-for-tat retaliation for Pelosi threatening to postpone Trump’s State of the Union address. Because, as everyone knows, there is no harsher punishment than telling someone they can’t go to Afghanistan.

14. Michael Cohen, President Trump’s former personal lawyer, said on Thursday he paid a firm to manipulate online polling data “at the direction of and for the sole benefit of” Trump. And the results don’t lie:

15. Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s office issued a statement late on Friday taking issue with a report in Buzzfeed that Michael Cohen said Trump told him to lie to Congress. Mueller is also disputing Buzzfeed’s conclusion that he’s “totally a Miranda.”

16. On Monday, John Travolta and President Trump were nominated for the worst actor Razzie Award for 2018. That story again, a man that everyone knows is bald was nominated for a Razzie and so was John Travolta.

17. It has been reported that one of Harvey Weinstein’s lead attorney’s has withdrawn from the case. Now comes the hard part, getting Weinstein to accept ‘No’ as an answer.

18. A woman in Florida was arrested after she stole five watches and hid them in her vagina. Which is still only the second worst clock-related item she’s ever put up there:

19. Emin Agalarov, the Russian pop star who initiated the infamous June 2016 Trump Tower meeting, canceled his upcoming US tour after failing to reach a deal with the special counsel. Begging the question, are we sure Justin Bieber doesn’t have important Russian-related information as well?

20. It was announced this week that former White House Press Secretary Anthony Scaramucci will be part of the Celebrity Big Brother cast this year. Because if there’s one thing the Mooch is good at, it’s staying in a house for a long period of time.

January 14, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

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1. A Federal judge on Monday reprimanded the lawyer defending the indicted Russian company Concord Management and Consulting for being “unprofessional, inappropriate and ineffective.” Yet another thing Trump has in common with the Russians:

 2. Police in California are trying to track down a man who spent three hours licking a doorbell at a Los Angeles home. Authorities describe the man as very disturbed and his girlfriend as very lucky.

3. According to a new study, new artificial intelligence technology can accurately identify some rare genetic disorders using a photograph of a patient’s face. Said that new technology, “I don’t know, the plague?”:

4. According to scientists in China, rabbits who eat feces grow stronger and healthier than those who do not. “Still you,” said the colleagues of the scientist who ran the study when he asked, “So who’s crazy for feeding shit to bunnies now?”

5. Former secretary of Housing and Urban Development Julián Castro officially announced his presidential bid on Saturday. Said President Trump, “Marco’s running again?”

6. During President Trump’s bipartisan meeting, Trump reportedly offered House Speaker Nancy Pelosi and Senate Minority Leader chuck Schumer M&Ms, Skittles, Butterfingers and Baby Ruths. “Baby Ruths?!?!’ screamed Eric: 

7. President Trump said Sunday that he would “devastate Turkey economically” if the country attacks Kurds in the region. Of course, the quickest way to economically cripple anything, is to put Trump’s name in front of it:

8. A TV station in Oregon fired an editor after airing altered footage of President Trump’s Oval Office address that shows a more orange-toned Trump with his tongue hanging out of his mouth. The man’s boss became suspicious that the video may have been edited when they noticed that Trump was speaking in full sentences and making sense.

9. While giving a recent speech, President Trump proclaimed himself a “professional at technology.” Which can only mean one thing, umbrellas don’t count as technology:

10. According to reports, CBS is in discussions with the White House to record and air an interview with President Trump before this year’s Super Bowl. That story again, a questionable form of entertainment that has a history of links to brain damage will air before the Super Bowl.

11. Ford said on Monday it plans to roll out a wireless technology for its new vehicles, starting in 2022, that will allow direct communication between connected devices. That story again, soon even your toaster will know how shitty of a driver you are. 

12. A petition has been circulating online to cancel MTV’s new reality show entitled “Made in Staten Island” because it allegedly makes the borough look like “a cesspool of gangsters, meatheads and low lives.” Of course, it doesn’t help their cause that the petition ends with “or else.”

13. According to reports, 2018 was highest grossing year for Hollywood movies ever. Experts do not expect that trend to continue as Johnny Depp has vowed to work more in 2019.