February 25, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. In honor of the upcoming summit in Vietnam between President Trump and North Korean leader Kim Jong Un, a Hanoi barber is offering free haircuts to anyone wanting to copy Trump or Jong Un’s hairstyles. That story again, barber in Vietnam is overcharging for his work. 

2. In a recent interview, boxer Manny Pacquiao said he doesn’t want his 18-year-old son Jimuel to be a boxer because it is a tough and dangerous profession. And if you want proof that its a dangerous sport, Pacquiao doesn’t eve have a son.

3. According to a new book, President Trump and First Lady Melania were seen at Mar-A-Lago on Thanksgiving holding hands and “kissing as if nobody else existed.” Of course, pretending like no one else exists is the only way to get Melania to kiss Donald.

4.  According to a new book, President Trump and First Lady Melania were seen at Mar-A-Lago on Thanksgiving holding hands and “kissing as if nobody else existed.” Don’t believe it? Here’s a picture someone took of them holding hands:

5. According to ‘The New York Times,’ democratic presidential hopeful Amy Klobuchar once ate a salad with a comb. “A what?” said Trump of ‘a salad’ and Bernie Sanders of ‘a comb.’ 

6. Last week, an unopened copy of the first Super Mario Brothers Nintendo video game sold at auction for $100,000. “If things are more valuable if they’ve never been touched or played with, then I must be worth a fortune,” said every guy at that auction.

7. The Vatican has revealed that it maintains secret guidelines for priests who father children despite their vows of celibacy. Those guidelines include: giving the child up for adoption, limiting contact with the mother, and, if the child is a boy, not allowing him to be around the other priests.

8. Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg took the bench at the Supreme Court Tuesday morning first time since she announced she’d undergone surgery in December for cancer. Or, as Justice Brett Kavanaugh, “Cool! Finally breaking up this sausage party, bro.”

9. Last week, Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio Cortez compared President Trump’s border wall to the Berlin Wall. If you remember, David Hasselhoff sang at the Berlin Wall when it was taken down, so if that’s what it takes to prevent the border wall from being built, it’s not worth it.

10. Mattel and National Geographic have teamed up to create an astrophysicist Barbie doll. So if you like astrophysics and you like women who don’t speak up when you touch them, hi Neil deGrasse Tyson.

11. According to reports, Hillary Clinton recently held meetings with former Vice President Joe Biden and Senator Amy Klobuchar to talk about the 2020 presidential election. Not be outdone, President Trump recently held meetings with literally anyone who would listen to talk about the 2016 presidential election.

12. According to new research, the average female friendship has a life span of 16 years. But only 12 years with that bitch Diane.

February 19, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. A new app has launched in the UK that allows farmers to swipe through profiles of cows to find good breeding partners for their cattle. “Yeah … my cattle,” said one very lonely farmer. 

2. The French Fencing Federation has officially recognized lightsaber dueling as a competitive sport. Now comes the hard part for those athletes, having their fathers officially recognize them as their sons.

3. According to the results of his annual physical examination, President Trump has gained weight over the past year and is now in the obese range. Which is ironic, because ‘obese range’ is the Secret Service code name for whichever SUV Trump is riding in:

4. Indonesian police have apologized after officers draped a live snake around the neck of a suspect during an interrogation session. In related news, Louis CK has sued those police officers for stealing his act. 

5. This week it was announced that  “Last Call with Carson Daly” will be ending this year. For the past seventeen years Carson Daly hosted a pop-culture talk show at one-thirty in the morning and, not, as I assumed when I watched, it an hour-long infomercial for boredom. 

6. According to a new study, eating “ultraprocessed” foods increases one’s risk of an early death. “Look, I’m trying,” said Melania:

7. Paramount Studios confirmed Monday that a sequel to “Coming to America” will hit theaters in 2020. According to reports, the plot of the movie consists of Eddie Murphy’s character leaving his home country of Zamunda for America, being stopped at the border by Customs and Border agents, and then the credits roll.

8.  Last week, a Houston man told police that he discovered a tiger in a cage after he entered an abandoned house to smoke weed. Said police, “Why didn’t you say found a tiger and then just stop talking?”

9. Last week, a Houston man told police that he discovered a tiger in a cage after he entered an abandoned house to smoke weed. So either someone’s been living with a tiger in that building or that’s some really good weed.

10. A man in Virginia was arrested for projecting porn onto his garage door. But that was only after his wife once again said no to the backdoor.

11. President Trump on Friday declared a national emergency in a bid to fund his promised border wall without congressional approval. But, as Trump himself will tell you, he does his best work without approval:

12. According to a British newspaper, President Trump may have allegedly paid for as many as eight abortions. That definitely doesn’t sound like the pro-life President Trump we all know, he rarely pays for services rendered.

13. According to a British newspaper, President Trump may have allegedly paid for as many as eight abortions. Or, as President Trump undoubtedly thinks of it, one too few:

14. On Saturday, President Trump’s choice for ambassador to the United Nations, Heather Nauert, withdrew herself from consideration for the job citing ‘family reasons.’ “I wish I would have thought of that excuse,” said Melania.

15. The scientist who popularized the term “global warming” died this week at the age of 87. But it felt like 96.

February 11, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. This week, democratic presidential candidate Corey Booker revealed that he has a girlfriend. Which came as a big surprise to everyone including his wife.

2. According to a new study, eye contact is not needed to have a good conversation. “What’s eye contact?” asked Dolly Parton. 

3. A woman in Germany is reportedly in love with an airplane. And, if it’s a Malaysian Airlines airplane, she’s a very lucky woman, because those planes always go down. 

4. Last week, police arrested a man after he pulled his car to the side of the road and started having sex with. Said the man as the cop pulled up in his Dodge Charger police cruiser, “Oh, a threesome!”

5. Delta has introduced a plane that features windows inside its bathrooms. Not to be outdone, Spirit Airlines bought a new bucket:

6. President Trump was declared “in very good health” by the White House physician on Friday after four hours of examinations. The same can’t be said of the doctor: 

7. President Trump’s inaugural committee said it had received a subpoena on Monday from the Manhattan U.S. Attorney’s Office to determine how it spent the $107 million it raised. Well, Trump’s inauguration featured the band 3 Doors Down, so now they just have to figure out what happened to the remaining $106,999,950?

8. This week Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos published an article on Medium.com claiming that he was blackmailed by the National Enquirer, which he said threatened to publisher semi-nude selfies of him. Word of advice Jeff, if you’re write an article about your junk, maybe don’t publisher in an online magazine entitled “Medium.” Should has pushed for “XXL.” 

9. According to reports, airing a commercial during last week’s Super Bowl cost companies $5.25 million dollars for a 30 second spot. So I can only imagine what that three hour commercial for Ambien cost:

10. Last week a senior White House official said President Trump has been able to maintain his tan complexion despite the winter weather due to “good genes.” That story again, a man who went through four years of college, two years of grad school, multiple thankless jobs, an extensive interview process, countless background checks just to secure a prestigious position in the White House was forced to lie last week to cover up the fact that a 72-year-old man uses bronzer.

11. According to a new study, men who live near heavily used roads have a harder time achieving an erection. And, in an unrelated story, Melania was seen dragging her bed into the middle of 5th Avenue today.

12. President Trump’s State of the Union speech Tuesday night lasted over an hour and twenty minutes. But, as with most things, after just one minute, Melania closed her eyes, went to her happy place, and prayed for it to be over soon.

13. Embattled Virginia Governor Ralph Northam has reportedly told staffers that he is worried about stepping down and being labeled a racist for life. “There’s a label? Then why did I get this tattoo?” asked Jeff Sessions:

14. Woody Allen sued Amazon on Thursday over their decision to abandon a four-picture deal with the director. And, even though Allen was the plaintiff in the case because he sued Amazon, he stood up, out of habit, when the judge said “Will the defendant please rise.”

15. According to Forbes, the New York Knicks are the most valuable NBA franchise at $4 billion. That story again, Forbes has not watched a lot of basketball recently.

16. Last week, Super Bowl MVP Julian Edelman appeared on the Ellen Degeneres Show to shave his beard. It was the longest segment to feature a beard since that time John Travolta showed up on Ellen’s couch with his wife Kelly Preston.

February 4, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. The NFL is looking into a report that a laser pointer was aimed at New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady during the AFC Championship game last month. Which would explain why Brady was sacked three times by Mr. Whiskers:

2. Rudy Giuliani recently told ‘The New Yorker’ that he’s worried that his tombstone will read “Rudy Giuliani, he lied for Trump.” Which is still better than what it would have said before he took the job:

3. A rare book owned by Adolf Hitler, acquired by Canada’s national archive, allegedly contains a detailed blueprint for a North American Holocaust. That story again Steve Bannon’s upcoming memoir is likely to have some copyright issues. 

4. The search engine Bing was blocked in China on Wednesday. Okay, that explains why no one in China uses Bing, but what about literally every where else?

5. A Utah man has sued actress Gwyneth Paltrow for $3.1 million, claiming she slammed into him on a ski slope in 2016, breaking four of his ribs and knocking him unconscious. He is suing for $2 million for the physical harm the accident caused and $1.1 million for the mental damage caused by watching ‘Mortdecai’:

6. In a recent interview, President Trump said he would have a hard time letting his son Barron play football. Well, actually, his exact words were, “I have a son named Barron?”

7. According to a new study, most hobbyist rock climbers lack the basic rescue skills needed to save themselves in dangerous situations. And also the basic skills to dress themselves:

8. Last week, after pleading guilty to a harassment charge, actor Alec Baldwin agreed to take anger-management training. While Stephen Baldwin agreed to take Kinko’s management training.

9. A new study found that hundreds of keyless cars are vulnerable to high-tech auto theft. Meanwhile the keys to a 2015 Nissan Ultra have been left in the driver-side door for the past three days and not one person has tried to steal it.

10. Thailand’s Ministry of Education has ordered all schools in Bangkok to close for the remainder of the week due to dangerous levels of air pollution. When asked to comment, U.S. Secretary of Eduction, Betsy Devos said, “There’s place called Bangkok?”

11. Stacey Abrams, who narrowly lost Georgia’s recent gubernatorial election, will deliver the Democrats’ response to President Trump’s State of the Union address this Tuesday. That story, a politician, best known for losing the popular vote, will be giving a speech on Tuesday and Stacey Abrams will also be giving a speech.

12. Last week, Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz said he is considering running for president. As a result, Russia has already started planting spies to gather dirt:

13. A man in Japan claims to have a dated a cockroach he named Lisa for over a year. Unfortunately, the relationship ended abruptly the night they went dancing:

14. According to tech website Gizmodo, President Trump posted altered photos of himself to Twitter and Instagram that made him look thinner. Gizmodo became suspicious when they saw a photo where Trump’s entire body fit in frame.

15. According to a new study, a parasite found in cat urine has been linked to schizophrenia. “But just cat pee, right?” asked President Trump.