Tag Archives: Democrat

April 13, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

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1. There is a new show on Quibi called ‘Murder House Flip’ where people renovate notorious homicide homes. “If this keeps up much longer, they’re gonna have a lot more homes to choose from,” said couples quarantined together. 

2. Last week, aides to Joe Biden said the likely Democratic nominee will arrange a call with President Trump to discuss the country’s response to the deadly coronavirus pandemic. Together they will tackle the nation’s biggest challenge, two 70-plus-year-old men trying to figure out a Zoom call:

 3. Walt Disney might require theme park visitors to have their temperatures checked when they reopen after coronavirus restrictions on public gatherings are lifted. “Bend over,” said Goofy:

4. Queen Elizabeth made a rare address to the nation last weekend to address the coronavirus pandemic. Wow, it must be so comforting to have a leader that rarely addresses the nation:

5. According to reports, President Trump has been advocating the use of hydrochloroquine to treat the coronavirus because Rudy Guiliani has been telling him that it works. Which explains Trump’s other suggested cure, marrying your first cousin.

6. Last Tuesday was National Beer Day. Said Americans, “What’s Tuesday?”

7. According to a new study, you can predict how many women a man has slept with by how funny he is. That story again, Rob Schneider is still a virgin.

8. A painting by Vincent van Gogh was stolen in an overnight raid at a Dutch museum. I’m jealous, not of the payday that will come from selling that masterpiece, but that they got out of their house and went to a museum. 

9. Over the weekend, “Saturday Night Live” returned to television with a new, remotely produced show. And I think i speak for everyone when I say, please, no one tell the producers of ‘God Friended Me” that’s possible.

10. Last week, author JK Rowling launched a ‘Harry Potter at Home’ online tool for kids in lockdown. Not to be outdone, Jared from Subway showed his tool to kids online and now he’s under lockdown.

11. According to a new study, cats can contract and pass the coronavirus. So that explains all the social distancing:

12. Last week, O.J. Simpson said that one of the stars of the Netflix docu-series ‘Tiger King’ definitely killed her husband. What makes him the authority on …. oh, right, right, right, the double murder thing.

13. The Democratic Party on Thursday postponed its presidential nominating convention by a month until August, citing the coronavirus health crisis. “So you’re telling me I still got a chance,” said Tulsi Gabbard.

14. A petition to name Dr. Anthony Fauci the “Sexiest Man Alive” is gaining momentum. Because if the virus keeps up, he will be the only man alive.

15. President Trump said Friday his administration was now recommending Americans wear “non-medical cloth” face coverings. Adding, “Especially the uggos.”

16. The Supreme Court on Friday postponed oral arguments scheduled for April as a result of the coronavirus and is considering alternative options for handling its outstanding cases. And those alternatives better involve Ruth Bader Ginsburg quarantined in the fucking Popemobile:

17. In a conference call with major league sports commissioners on Saturday, President Trump said he believes the NFL season should start on time in September. Although the football players weren’t enthusiastic about going back after the call, not because of the virus, but because they just got a firsthand look at the end-result of suffering severe brain damage:

18. Actor Arnold Schwarzenegger has been posting self-isolation videos of him eating meals at home with his tiny donkey and miniature horse. So I think it’s safe to assume Maria Shriver won that divorce.

19. According to reports, the King of Thailand is self-quarantining by renting out an entire hotel in Germany for himself and his twenty girlfriends. So at least we already know the epicenter of the next viral pandemic.

20. Last week, President Trump said he didn’t want to give the American people bad news during the coronavirus pandemic. Then maybe he should stop holding daily televised press conference reminding the American people that he’s still the president.

21. During a press conference last week, President Trump called himself a ‘cheerleader’ for the country. Marking the first time I’ve ever actually felt bad for Kellyanne Conway:

22. According to a new study, most Americans want the government to require mail-in ballots for the November presidential election if the coronavirus outbreak still threatens the public. Begging the question how much postage does it take to mail a ballot from Russia?

23. A group of clowns who usually entertain retirees in their rooms at seniors homes has taken to performing outside instead so their audience can watch from their windows while in coronavirus-enforced isolation. But if the seniors miss that show, don’t worry, this group of clowns puts on a performance on your tv everyday:

24. Last week, Dr. Anthony Fauci said he does not think people should shake hands “ever again.” “Look who was ahead of his time,” said President Trump:

25. This week, rapper Drake revealed that he has a Birkin bag collection that he purchased for his future wife. “Yeah, that’s why I had that pocketbook collection too,” said the ghost of Liberace.

October 21, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

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1. According to a new study, owning a dog is tied to lowering your risk of dying early by 24%. Counterpoint:

2. This week, NASA astronauts Jessica Meir and Christina Koch conducted the first all-female spacewalk. On a congratulatory call, President Trump praised them as “brave, brave women,” while Vice President Pence said “you’re still too close.” 

3. This week, the Paris zoo unveiled an unusual organism, nicknamed ‘the blob,’ which can heal itself and has 720 sexes. “A gross amorphous creature that has a lot of sex, nicknamed ‘the blob’? You’ll be hearing from my lawyers,” said Harvey Weinstein.

4. In a recent interview, Packers legend Brett Favre said he believes he stayed in the NFL too long. He said the warning signs included constant headaches, significant memory loss, and agreeing to be the Jets quarterback:

5. According to a recent report, concussions increased by 44% during this year’s NFL preseason. But, on the plus-side, that means around half of the Miami Dolphins won’t remember this season. 

6. A Florida man was reportedly arrested last week for trying to get an alligator drunk after his pals captured the reptile. Even worse, that gator was their designated driver.

7. Last week, a man walked 351 miles to have sex with a 14-year-old girl who turned out to be an undercover cop. So ladies, he’s single and into fitness.

8. Australia recently refused entry to a Vietnamese woman for failing to declare 22 pounds of raw pork, seafood and poultry upon her arrival in Sydney. “Where were you guys eleven hours ago?” said the guy who sat next to her on the plane ride over. 

9. Temperatures in Colorado plunged 64 degrees on Thursday last week. The last time the temperature dropped that quickly, Ann Coulter walked into the room. 

10.  Native New Yorker Alec Baldwin got scammed by a ticket seller in New York City. Oh no, did he get tricked into attending a live taping of the new “Match Game”?:

11. Actor Jonah Hill reportedly turned down an offer to play the Penguin in the upcoming Batman movie. Apparently Jonah rejected the role because he didn’t want to lose weight. 

12. The Trump White House on Tuesday rejected an impeachment inquiry launched by Democrats in the House of Representatives as “constitutionally invalid.”. But, on the plus-side, that means this administration has at least heard of the Constitution.

13. An Oklahoma woman is recovering after she was shot in the leg when her dog stepped on a loaded handgun. Said Rover, “No. You fetch!”

14. According to a new report, nearly two-thirds of North American birds will go extinct due to global warming. “Good,” said President Trump:

15. President Trump said on Thursday he does not know the two associates of his personal lawyer Rudy Giuliani who were arrested, even if they are in a picture with him. Which is true, just because they are in a picture with him, doesn’t mean Donald knows them, for instance, he has no idea who these people are:

16. According to prosecutors, the two associates of Rudy Giuliani who were arrested last week, had purchased one-way airline tickets out of the U.S. “So there are at least two open seats on that flight?” asked Mike and Karen Pence.

17. According to CNN, Rudy Giuliani is still the President’s attorney but will not be dealing with matters involving Ukraine. So it’s back to the basics for Giuliani, paying off pornstars.

18. Newly revealed court documents allege that actor Cuba Gooding Jr asked a stranger to “sit on [his] face and pee in [his] mouth” after groping her. But, on the plus-side, at least this time he asked first.

August 12, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

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1. A 107-year-old woman in the Bronx said the secret to her long life was never getting married. “Solid advice,” said Nicole Brown Simpson.

2. Last week, a Florida man who goes by the name ‘Murder’ and has the word ‘murder’ tattooed on his neck, was found guilty of murder. Said the man’s lawyer, “I told you to tattoo ‘not’ before that.” 

3. Saudi Arabia will host the world’s richest horse race in Riyadh at the King Abdulaziz Racetrack next year, with a purse of $20 million. “I’ve got an idea,” said Usain Bolt:


4. This week, former Vice President Joe Biden said that “half of winning is showing up.” Which explains why Don Jr. and Eric lost all those tee-ball games:

5. In a recent interview, actor Jason Mamoa says he is unable to shoot ‘Aquaman 2’ because he got run over by a bulldozer. And not, as I suspected, because he saw ‘Aquaman 1.’ 

6. Actor Richard Gere on Friday visited 121 migrants stranded for the past week on a rescue ship in the Mediterranean. “And Richard Gere knows a thing or two about things getting stranded in unwelcome places,” said Squeaks the hamster.

7. According to a new study by the International Nut and Dried Fruit Council, men who eat nuts have better sexual performance. “Hello ladies,” said guy:

8. Last week, a jury in California ruled that singer Katy Perry’s hit single ‘Dark Horse’ copied a Christian rap song and must pay the original writers for copyright infringement. Yes, but what about justice for the jurors who were forced to listen to a Christian rap song? 

9. Last week, Apple announced that it has stopped letting contractors listen to user commands given to its voice assistant Siri. Said Apple, “Problem solved, we hired those contractors as full time employees.” 

10. President Trump recently attacked representative Elijah Cummings calling his Baltimore district a rat infested mess. Although his opinion of Baltimore has always been off:

11. According to Politico, President Trump reads four newspapers a day. Unfortunately, they are the same four newspapers everyday:

12. According to reports, the first lady of Japan may have pretended not to speak English after she was seated next to President Trump at the recent G20 Summit. Which is a shame, because the two seem to have so much in common, for instance, an inability to speak English:

13. An Indian man who was bitten by a snake got his revenge on the reptile by biting it back and killing it. And you don’t even want to know what he did to his dog after it humped his leg.

14. Police are searching for a woman who peed on a bin of potatoes in a Pennsylvania Walmart. “Ew, gross, potatoes,” said Trump.

15. Last week, democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders met with rapper Cardi B. They bonded over they desire to help the working poor, improve education, and stripping when they were younger:

16. After President Trump attached four ethnically diverse Democratic congresswomen, Republicans said they were unsure how President trump would respond to racist chants at his upcoming rallies. Although I’m guessing with a new line of hats:

17. In a televised speech last Monday condemning two mass shootings over the weekend, President Trump mistakenly referred to Toledo instead of Dayton as the city that suffered a mass shooting over the weekend. But, at this rate, give it a few weeks, and it will probably be accurate.

18. Japanese electronics manufacturer NEC Corporation unveiled a prototype flying car that stayed in the air for almost a minute during a test in Japan this week. Said the driver of the flying car behind it, “Go!!!! It’s been green for a full minute!!! GOOOOOO!!”

19. Japanese electronics manufacturer NEC Corporation unveiled a prototype flying car that stayed in the air for almost a minute during a test in Japan this week. The last time a car stayed in the air for a full minute, Paul Walker was driving it.

20. Last week, a nearly toothless Florida woman says she bit a man who forced his way into her apartment. That’s a crazy story, someone in Florida has teeth?

21. The Department of Health and Human Services is warning that new toxic chemicals are starting to contaminate cocaine in the United States. Which is a great thing to mention to already very paranoid group of people.

22. A Texas man proposed to his girlfriend this weekend by leading her on a 15-mile bike ride that spelled out the words “marry me.” So ladies, next time you’re mad at your boyfriend because he’s making a lot of u-turns and seems lost, remember to be even angrier when he doesn’t propose at the end.

23. Saudi Arabia’s capital market regulator on Tuesday approved two companies to test using robo-advisory services, or computer-generated advice for investors. If successful, the will begin testing robo-cocaine and robo-strippers.

24. According to a new study, adults who were underweight babies may be less likely to have romantic or sexual relations. Which explains my new pick up line, “You’re so hot, I bet you were a fat baby.”

25. Pittsburgh Steelers wide receiver JuJu Smith-Schuster followed through Sunday on a pledge to give a fan season tickets for tattooing his signature onto his scalp. “Oh my God, that sounds terrible,” said Giants fans of being given season tickets.

26. Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell fractured his shoulder Sunday after falling in his Kentucky home. Begging the question, how do you know where his neck ends and shoulder begins?

27. Coors Light has branded itself the official beer of drinking in the shower. And, I’m gonna guess, of peeing in the shower as well.

28. Kazakhstan has halted the implementation of an internet surveillance system criticized by lawyers as illegal. That hard to believe story again, they have the internet in Kazakhstan.

29. According to a recent report, when President Trump likes a tweet, he has a staffer print it our, then he signs it and sends the signed paper copy of the tweet to the person who tweeted it. And, in related news, there’s a fucking ‘Like’ button!!!!!!

30. A Michigan man was sentenced to 60 days in jail, to be served on weekends, for poisoning his wife’s coffee. That story again, a man in Michigan who tried to poison his wife has been sentenced to spend every weekday with her.

June 17, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

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1. According to a new study, children who are exposed to tobacco smoke from their fathers while they’re in the womb may be more likely than those who are not to develop asthma by age 6. Begging the question, exactly where are those guys blowing that smoke?

2. The island of Samoa has banned “Rocketman”, the movie based on Elton John, over its depiction of homosexuality. Begging the question, do you know how gay a movie has to be to be too gay for an island of men who dress like this?:

3. Actor Cuba Gooding Jr. was charged on Thursday with groping a woman at a Manhattan bar last weekend. But, look on the plus-side Cuba, at least someone recognized you.

4. In a recent interview, openly gay Democratic presidential candidate Pete Buttigieg said he is open to raising a child. “You can have your pick,” said Trump: 

5. The World Health Organization said on Thursday, more than a million people every day worldwide catch a sexually transmitted infection, with rates of chlamydia, gonorrhea, trichomoniasis and syphilis. “What can I say, I had a busy 2018,” said Colin Farrell.

6. According to a new report, the marijuana industry could surpass the NFL in revenue by 2020. Crazy to think that something so harmful for you brain could earn that much money, also weed is pretty bad too. 

7. According to a new study, children who are exposed to smoke from wildfires may experience a greater health impact than those exposed to smoke from prescribed controlled burns. So I guess that makes this kid Jack Leland: 

8. First Lady Melania Trump wore an elegant white below-the-knee Dolce & Gabbana dress with navy blue collar and belt and a custom hat by Herve Pierre when she met Queen Elizabeth last week at Buckingham Palace. Meanwhile, President Trump wore a mustard-stained suit from JC Penny’s Big & Tall line.

9. According to a new study, eating McDonald’s Chicken McNuggets increases the one’s chance of early death. Said McNugget eaters, “Yeah, that’s kind of the point.”

10. The NBA has banned Golden State Warriors owner Mark Stevens for one season after he shoved a Toronto Raptors player during Game 3 of the NBA Finals. This stands in stark contrast to the New York Knicks’ owner who was caught doing the exact same thing and, as punishment, was forced to attend every single Knicks for the remainder of the season.

11. The symbolic tree that President Trump and his French counterpart, Emmanuel Macron, planted at the White House last year has died. Said Trump, “I don’t get it, I complete neglect my children and they’re still alive.”

12. A 30-year-old Spirit Airlines passenger on a flight from Detroit to New Orleans recently got himself banned for life after getting caught vaping in the airplane lavatory. Although, wouldn’t a real punishment be forcing him to continue to fly Spirit Airlines?

13. In a recent interview, O.J. Simpson said he is currently living in what he calls the “no negative zone.” And, in unrelated news, the negative zone was found stabbed 74 times.

14. Over the weekend, O.J. Simpson joined Twitter. On the plus-side, the phrase “O.J. Simpson is following you,” now has a less threatening explanation.

15. Over the weekend, O.J. Simpson joined Twitter. Weird, I would have thought he’d be more into Facebook with all the poking.

16. President Trump said in an interview broadcast on Friday that former White House counsel Don McGahn “may have been confused” during his testimony as part of Robert Mueller’s Russia investigation. Which if true, makes him even more qualified to be one of Trump’s attorneys:

May 6, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

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1. According to reports, there was a spike in herpes diagnosis following the recent Coachella music festival in California. So I’m guessing John Mayer headlined Coachella this year.

2. Tiger Woods will celebrate his Masters victory and receive the nation’s highest honor for a civilian when he visits the White House and President Donald Trump on Monday. Said Mike Pence upon seeing Woods at the White House, “Oh no, Barack’s back!” 

3. A group of gynecologists is claiming that despite reports online, there is no benefit to eating human placentas. “No benefit? Really?” said a New York City man eating placenta in a subway car he had completely to himself.

4. Researchers in England have discovered trace levels of cocaine in several samples of freshwater shrimp. And, in related news, Charlie Sheen is sporting a new look:

5. This week, Thailand’s King Maha Vajiralongkorn Bodindradebayavarangkun revealed he has wed his royal consort General Suthida Vajiralongkorn Na Aydhaya and declared her queen. She attempted to take his name, but the person working the DMV died of exhaustion. 

6. According to a new survey, the Bostonian accent is the 28th sexiest accent in the world. That story again, there are apparently only 28 accents in the entire world.

7. President Trump and Democratic leaders agreed on Tuesday to spend $2 trillion on U.S. infrastructure, leaving the details of how to pay for it to another meeting. Said Trump, “I have a great idea, hear me out, Mexico.” 

8. This week. President Trump called for his administration to restrict the asylum process, issuing a presidential memorandum that proposed charging asylum-seekers a fee. Which explain why they’ve also changed the inscription on the Statue of Liberty to “Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, who also happen to have a buck fifty on them.” 

9. According to a source, Special counsel Robert Mueller expressed concerns in a letter to Attorney General William Barr that Barr’s four-page letter to Congress summarizing the “principal conclusions” of Mueller’s findings didn’t fully capture his 448-page report. But according to Barr’s summary of Mueller’s letter, Barr did a great job and is very handsome. 

10. For the first time in five years, ISIS has released what it says is a new video message from its leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi. Say what you want about ISIS, but hearing from your leader only once in five years does sound nice: 

11. According to a new report, the number of dead people on Facebook may outnumber the living within fifty years. That story again. Mark Zuckerberg’s quest for blood knows no bounds.

12. A man in Mexico had to be rescued after he accidentally trapped himself in a hole that he dug so he could spy on his ex-girlfriend. “Wait, Mexicans can dig?!?!?” asked a very worried Trump.

13. A man in Mexico had to be rescued after he accidentally trapped himself in a hole that he dug so he could spy on his ex-girlfriend. He knows that Facebook accounts are free, right?

14. A Georgia stepmother is set to become the state’s only female death row inmate after she was convicted this week. Another glass ceiling broken ladies, congrats.

15. On Wednesday, Senator Lindsey Graham admitted that he didn’t read the entire Mueller Report. Yeah, no one did:

16. On Thursday, Senator Michael Bennet of Colorado declared his candidacy for the Democratic party’s 2020 presidential nomination. And you may remember Michael Bennet from such places as the beginning of this joke and literally nowhere else.

17. Oprah Winfrey said in a recent interview that she calls Democratic presidential hopeful Pete Buttigieg “Buttabeep, Buttaboop.” She also revealed that she calls Stedman rarely.

18. A European study of nearly 1,000 gay males who had sex without condoms, where one man had HIV and was taking antiretroviral drugs to suppress it, has found the treatment can prevent sexual transmission of the virus. Said the guy who didn’t have HIV, “Wait what study?”

March 18, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

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1. This week, Scotland’s worst serial killer Angus Sinclair died at the age of 73. He is survived by his ‘to-do’ list.

2. It has been announced that there will be a new emoji to represent interracial couples. So, if you thought your grandfather were confused by emojis before…

3. A German yachtsman who was knocked overboard credited his jeans with saving his life after fashioning them into a make-shift life jacket that kept him afloat for over three hours. That story again, at this point, Jay Leno is basically half fish: 

4. A Texas couple has a started a company that sells beer for dogs. Or, as it’s more commonly known, Michelob Lite.

5. A British company has introduced a wearable penis camera. So gone are the days of having to tape a GoPro to your balls.

6. According to a new report, the average city bus in New York City travels just 6.4 miles per hour, which transit researchers have pointed out is nearly 2 miles per hour slower than a rat can sprint. “That’s why we take the subway to work,” said business rats:

7. This week, NASA said that the first person on Mars will most likely be a woman. “Fuck,” said Dr. John Gray:

8. According to newly released emails, Rudy Giuliani reassured Michael Cohen in an April 2018 email that Cohen could “sleep well tonight” because he had “friends in high places.” Which means one of two things, Giuliani was dangling a presidential pardon or he was once again stuck in a tree:

9. Toyota announced plans to send an electric car to the moon by 2029. The way it will work is the driver will enter “Flagstaff, Arizona” into Apple Maps GPS and then follow the directions.

10. “Full House” actress Lori Loughlin appeared in federal court in Los Angeles on Wednesday to face charges of taking part in a scheme in which dozens of wealthy parents are accused of paying for their children to cheat their way into prestigious universities. And yet somehow Dave Coulier still walks around a free man.

11. Former Trump campaign chairman Paul Manafort read a statement during his sentencing hearing this week asking the judge for leniency so he can spend time with his wife. Said the judge, “Don’t worry, where you’re going, you’ll be the wife”:

12. Senator Cory Booker all but guaranteed at a campaign event on Friday that he will pick a woman as his running mate if he wins his party’s nomination. “It sounds good in theory,” said the ghost of John McCain.

13. Actress Rosario Dawson, whose film credits include “Rent” and “Men in Black II,” has confirmed reports she is dating presidential candidate Cory Booker. Not to be confused with President Trump’s actress girlfriend who stared in “Bent” and “II Black Men”:

14. According to a new study women who gain more weight than recommended while pregnant may increase their chances for serious complications at delivery. As do the husbands who point that fact out to their pregnant wives.

February 4, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

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1. The NFL is looking into a report that a laser pointer was aimed at New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady during the AFC Championship game last month. Which would explain why Brady was sacked three times by Mr. Whiskers:

2. Rudy Giuliani recently told ‘The New Yorker’ that he’s worried that his tombstone will read “Rudy Giuliani, he lied for Trump.” Which is still better than what it would have said before he took the job:

3. A rare book owned by Adolf Hitler, acquired by Canada’s national archive, allegedly contains a detailed blueprint for a North American Holocaust. That story again Steve Bannon’s upcoming memoir is likely to have some copyright issues. 

4. The search engine Bing was blocked in China on Wednesday. Okay, that explains why no one in China uses Bing, but what about literally every where else?

5. A Utah man has sued actress Gwyneth Paltrow for $3.1 million, claiming she slammed into him on a ski slope in 2016, breaking four of his ribs and knocking him unconscious. He is suing for $2 million for the physical harm the accident caused and $1.1 million for the mental damage caused by watching ‘Mortdecai’:

6. In a recent interview, President Trump said he would have a hard time letting his son Barron play football. Well, actually, his exact words were, “I have a son named Barron?”

7. According to a new study, most hobbyist rock climbers lack the basic rescue skills needed to save themselves in dangerous situations. And also the basic skills to dress themselves:

8. Last week, after pleading guilty to a harassment charge, actor Alec Baldwin agreed to take anger-management training. While Stephen Baldwin agreed to take Kinko’s management training.

9. A new study found that hundreds of keyless cars are vulnerable to high-tech auto theft. Meanwhile the keys to a 2015 Nissan Ultra have been left in the driver-side door for the past three days and not one person has tried to steal it.

10. Thailand’s Ministry of Education has ordered all schools in Bangkok to close for the remainder of the week due to dangerous levels of air pollution. When asked to comment, U.S. Secretary of Eduction, Betsy Devos said, “There’s place called Bangkok?”

11. Stacey Abrams, who narrowly lost Georgia’s recent gubernatorial election, will deliver the Democrats’ response to President Trump’s State of the Union address this Tuesday. That story, a politician, best known for losing the popular vote, will be giving a speech on Tuesday and Stacey Abrams will also be giving a speech.

12. Last week, Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz said he is considering running for president. As a result, Russia has already started planting spies to gather dirt:

13. A man in Japan claims to have a dated a cockroach he named Lisa for over a year. Unfortunately, the relationship ended abruptly the night they went dancing:

14. According to tech website Gizmodo, President Trump posted altered photos of himself to Twitter and Instagram that made him look thinner. Gizmodo became suspicious when they saw a photo where Trump’s entire body fit in frame.

15. According to a new study, a parasite found in cat urine has been linked to schizophrenia. “But just cat pee, right?” asked President Trump.

January 22, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

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1. During an interview over the weekend, when President Trump was asked where he gets the energy to fight as hard as he does, the President responded, “Well, I guess I have good genes.” And now for the counter-argument:

2. A man in his 50s recently experienced so-called debilitating night blindness after accidentally taking an entire bottle of sexual-dysfunction medicine. But, on the plus side, now when he walks into walls, it’s not his nose that hits first. 

3. Authorities in China say experiments which led to the birth of the world’s first gene-edited babies broke the country’s laws. That story again, someone in China had a baby girl.

4. The prostitution trial of a self-described “sex coach” who claimed to have insider knowledge of Russia’s election interference ended abruptly on Tuesday after she unexpectedly pleaded guilty. Look, I’m no sex coach, but if she wanted to prevent things from ending abruptly, she should’ve thought about baseball.

5. Scientists have unveiled what they say is an ideal diet, including a doubling of consumption of nuts, fruits, vegetables and legumes, and a halving of meat and sugar intake. Or, as Trump thinks of it, fuck scientists:

6. President Trump proposed an immigration deal on Saturday in a bid to end a 29-day partial government shutdown, but Democrats immediately dismissed it. Trump hasn’t been turned down that quickly since the last time he tried to touch Melania: 

7. When asked to comment on the recent New York Times article that claimed the FBI opened an investigation into whether the President was working on behalf of Russia, President Trump said “I think it’s the most insulting article I’ve ever had written.” He knows there’s an article that accuses him of peeing on a bed of Russian hookers, right? 

8. Last week, tanker hauling 40,000 pounds of liquid chocolate rolled over on the interstate in Arizona, leaving a river of brown liquid all over the road. “It’s nothing I haven’t seen before,” said the guy who cleans up the Chipotle bathroom, reaching for a mop.

9. A photo of an ordinary, brown egg has broken Kylie Jenner’s record for most-liked photo on Instagram. That story again, an Instagram feed filled with pointless pictures and empty messages was beaten by an egg.

10. President Trump said on Monday he never worked for Russia. And, as an American, I can say it is the first time I have ever been jealous of Russia:

11. Tuesday night, New York Senator Kirsten Gillibrand announced her intention to run for president in 2020. A blonde, Democratic, female senator from New York running for president against Donald Trump, what could go wrong?

12. YouTube has banned users from sharing videos of dangerous pranks on its platform because of concerns about challenges that put people’s lives in jeopardy. So, from here on out, it’s two girls, two cups.

13. On Thursday, President Trump denied House Speaker Nancy Pelosi a military plane for a trip to Afghanistan, a tit-for-tat retaliation for Pelosi threatening to postpone Trump’s State of the Union address. Because, as everyone knows, there is no harsher punishment than telling someone they can’t go to Afghanistan.

14. Michael Cohen, President Trump’s former personal lawyer, said on Thursday he paid a firm to manipulate online polling data “at the direction of and for the sole benefit of” Trump. And the results don’t lie:

15. Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s office issued a statement late on Friday taking issue with a report in Buzzfeed that Michael Cohen said Trump told him to lie to Congress. Mueller is also disputing Buzzfeed’s conclusion that he’s “totally a Miranda.”

16. On Monday, John Travolta and President Trump were nominated for the worst actor Razzie Award for 2018. That story again, a man that everyone knows is bald was nominated for a Razzie and so was John Travolta.

17. It has been reported that one of Harvey Weinstein’s lead attorney’s has withdrawn from the case. Now comes the hard part, getting Weinstein to accept ‘No’ as an answer.

18. A woman in Florida was arrested after she stole five watches and hid them in her vagina. Which is still only the second worst clock-related item she’s ever put up there:

19. Emin Agalarov, the Russian pop star who initiated the infamous June 2016 Trump Tower meeting, canceled his upcoming US tour after failing to reach a deal with the special counsel. Begging the question, are we sure Justin Bieber doesn’t have important Russian-related information as well?

20. It was announced this week that former White House Press Secretary Anthony Scaramucci will be part of the Celebrity Big Brother cast this year. Because if there’s one thing the Mooch is good at, it’s staying in a house for a long period of time.

June 29, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

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1. On Monday, Showtime announced that actor Russell Crowe will play Fox News founder Roger Ailes in a new miniseries. It is apparently the role Crowe has been preparing for for the past twelve years:

2. Brett Kavanaugh, a federal judge in Washington is the early favorite among political bettors to succeed Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy, who announced his retirement on Wednesday. So if you had Judge Brett Kavanaugh in your office Supreme Court pool, your office sucks.

3. Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders said she was kicked out of a Virginia restaurant over the weekend because she works for President Trump. Said the restaurant owner, “That’s not the case at all, we just ran out of gravy.”

4. In a recent interview, actor Seth Rogen said he refused to pose for a picture with Speaker of the House Paul Ryan. Which is a pretty big insult coming from the guy who agreed to appear in “The Guilt Trip”:

5. Over the weekend, Zsa Zsa, a 9-year-old English bulldog, won the 2018 World’s Ugliest Dog content. Zsa Zsa is so ugly other digs sniff her face.

6. Joe Jackson died on Wednesday at the age of 89. He is survived by a very relieved Tito.

7. Last week, pair of gay male swans in Austria attacked several people to protect a discarded plastic cup in their nest that they treat like an egg. The last time a parent defended a piece of garbage mistaken for a child, Don Jr. was meeting with Russian at Trump Tower.

8. NASCAR radio broadcaster Wendy Venturini is in the hospital, but is doing fine after being struck by a car on Saturday. Said Venturini, “How was I suppose to know he was going to make a left?”

9. On Monday, President Trump tweeted that the Red Hen restaurant that refused to serve Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders “badly needs a paint job.” Because if Trump knows anything, it’s that you need a new paint job every single day:

10. Astronaut Buzz Aldrin is suing two of his children and a former business manager, accusing them of slandering him by saying he has dementia. But, in their defense, when a old man shouts “I’ve been to the moon,” they tend to be crazy too.

11. A Russian company asked a federal judge on Monday to dismiss charges brought against them by Special Counsel Robert Mueller, saying Mueller was unlawfully appointed and lacks prosecutorial authority. Hey, Russia, this is a federal court, you can’t just tell them what to do, this isn’t the White House.

12. According to a new study, Chinese men consume one-third of all cigarettes worldwide. While the other two-thirds are consumed by Keith Richards:

13. Democratic Senator Claire McCaskill suffered a broken rib after choking at a Senate lunch Thursday, where her Senate colleague Joe Manchin performed the Heimlich maneuver to save her. “A liberal female politician choking, that’s kind of my thing,” said Hillary.

14. Interior Secretary Ryan Zinke on Tuesday deleted a photo of a sock he was wearing with President Donald Trump’s “Make America Great Again” campaign slogan on it after realizing he may have violated a law that prohibits federal employees from engaging in political activity. Thus marking the second time a politician got in trouble for tweeting a photo of himself wearing a sock:

15. Tiger Woods was spotted using a new putter at this week’s Quicken Loans National golf tournament. Not surprising, he’s always tinkering with his putz.

16. This week, while talking about increasing the number of judges on the border to deal with the immigration issue at a campaign rally, President Trump said “Where are you gonna find 5,000 people to be judges?” I don’t know, maybe try the alley-way behind ‘The Voice’:

17. According to ‘The New York Times,’ former Press Secretary Sean Spicer is developing a talk show. The working title is “In Two Ferns”:

18. French President Emmanuel Macron met with Pope Francis this week for 57 minutes, setting a record for the longest meeting between the Pope and a head state. A record that will be broken next week when the Pope spends a quiet weekend at a New England bed and breakfast with Justin Trudeau:

19. While visiting a migrant detention facility on the country’s southern border, First Lady Melania Trump asked a six-year-old girl, “Did you make friends?” Said the little girl, “Bitch, do you know where you are?”

20. Houston Texans wide receiver DeAndre Hopkins believes President Donald Trump doesn’t understand the complexities of the protest movement in the NFL. So I guess, just add that to the long list of things Trump doesn’t understand:

March 9, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Alec Baldwin and President Trump threw insults at each other on Twitter after Mr. Baldwin described portraying Mr. Trump on “Saturday Night Live” as “agony.” Man, I’ve seen less contentious actor-president relationships between Lincoln and Booth.

2. Sunday night’s Oscar, marked the first ceremony in many years without Harvey Weinstein. And no one was more grateful for that than the potted plants in the lobby of the Kodak Theater.

3. Law experts are saying some of the language in adult film star Stormy Daniel’s nondisclosure agreement suggests that she may have lurid photos that were taken during her sexual encounters with Donald Trump. Said one person who has reportedly seen the photos, “DEAR GOD, I’VE GONE BLIND!”

4. According to ‘the New York Times,’ following news that China’s President Xi Jinping is now president for life, President Trump jokingly told donors, “maybe we’ll give that a shot someday.” “I’m happy you like the idea of a life sentence,” said Robert Mueller.

5. A man was arrested and charged with grand theft larceny after allegedly stealing Frances McDormand’s Oscars trophy after the Academy Awards on Sunday night. And, if stealing an Oscar is consider grand theft, Adrian Brody better lawyer up:

6. A woman was arrested on Tuesday after she attempted to open an aircraft door during a flight from San Francisco to Boise, Idaho. But, to be fair, if you found out you were headed for Boise, you’d want out ASAP too.

7. During a news conference on Tuesday, President Trump promised his proposed tariffs on steel and aluminum will be applied in a “very loving way.” Which can only mean one thing, Trump will not ask for the tariff’s consent beforehand.

8. On Tuesday, former pornstar and alleged presidential mistress Stormy Daniels sued Donald Trump. That story again, a blond airhead with large tits and a penchant for suing people is being sued by Stormy Daniels.

9. President Trump refuted recent reports on Tuesday, saying there is no chaos in the White House. And in related news, Melania is now jealous of chaos.

10. In response to a Republican bill to name a state highway after President Trump, a Democratic state senator has proposed a bill to name an offramp after Stormy Daniels. And what better way to honor Trump’s legacy than to use Stormy Daniels to get off.

11. The White House announced this week that President Donald Trump has agreed to meet with North Korean leader Kim Jong Un by May. That story again, maybe don’t make any plans for after May.

12. 70-year-old Arnold Schwarzenegger announced that he has agreed to star in a sixth Terminator film. His catchline in the movie will be “Oy, my back.”

13. Sunday night, the Winston Churchill biopic “The Darkest Hour” won the Academy Award for best makeup. So good luck to whoever had to break the news to this losing nominee:

14. Over the weekend at the NFL Scouting Combine, Central Florida’s one-handed linebacker Shaquem Griffin did twenty reps on the bench press at 225 pounds with a prosthetic hand. And, in unrelated news, I’m pretty sure I pulled a hamstring getting off the couch this morning.

15. Over the weekend, “The Emoji Movie” swept the Razzies Awards, taking home the worst picture, screen combo, director and screenplay awards. Which is weird, because I don’t remember Johnny Depp being in that.

16. Russian President Vladimir Putin told Washington to send him hard evidence that his citizens meddled in U.S. elections. May I present Exhibit A:

17. President Donald Trump’s Chief of Staff John Kelly on Friday conceded the White House could have better handled a scandal involving senior aide Rob Porter. Said Kelly, “But other than that, I think we’re nailing it.”

18. Two phone companies say they plan to put a high-speed cellular network on the moon. So fingers crossed this means they’re sending the “can you hear me now” guy to the fucking moon.