January 20, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. Madame Tussauds waxwork museum in London announced last week that it had removed figures of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle from their royal exhibit. The last time a room full of royals cleared out that quickly the Queen ripped a mean one. 

2. Actress Gwyneth Paltrow is selling a candle that she claims smells like her vagina. And if you purchase that candle you can expect to hear a lot of questions like ‘Why did you buy this?’ and ‘How did this happen?’ and ‘Are you cooking fish?’ 

3. Boxer Tyson Fury revealed this week that he has been preparing for an upcoming fight by masturbating seven times a day. So, yeah, that’s not a spit bucket. 

4. Boxer Tyson Fury revealed this week that he has been preparing for an upcoming fight by masturbating seven times a day. Begging the question, who is my thirteen-year-old nephew training to fight? 

5. Five California mountain lions were seen together on home surveillance video this week. It’s the most disturbing grouping of large cats since:

6. A German Shepherd in North Carolina gave birth to a green puppy last week. “I know what you’re thinking,” said the family’s pet turtle. 

7. Chris Beart, the rapper who cut off his own penis before jumping off a two-story building in 2014, recently got married. Said the groomsman who disapproved of the marriage, “This is going to be the second worst decision you’ve ever made.”

8. A new study found no strong evidence linking baby powder to ovarian cancer. Great news for LeBron James’ ovaries:

9. Prince Harry and Meghan Markle announced last week that they will be “stepping back” from their role as royals, moving to America, and “will work to become financially independent.” That story again, Harry will be answering to a new King:

10. Last week, a Florida man pled guilty to a trafficking scheme in which live water monitor lizards were concealed inside electronic equipment and smuggled from the Philippines into the U.S. Which explains why my fax machine just ate my cat.

11. Police in Florida are seeking help locating a burglar who broke into a house and told the owners he was “there to suck toes.” That story again, Quentin Tarantino is apparently scouting filming locations in Florida.

12. Scientists recently conducted a study in which they put 3D glasses on cuttlefish and showed them film clips. The study found that if you put 3D glasses on cuttlefish for a long enough period you’ll lose your job as a scientist.

13. Last week, Georgia authorities say a man broke into a Taco Bell restaurant, prepared food, and took a nap inside. The man made a meal and took a nap or, as President Trump refers to it, a full workday.

14. According to a new study, older people who frequent art galleries and museums and attend the theater may live longer than those who don’t. “Strongly disagree?” said the ghost of Lincoln.

15. It was revealed this week that the New York Public Library’s most checked-out book of all time is the children’s book “The Snowy Day.” While the Library’s least checked-out book, “The Erotic Tales of Wilford Brimley.”

16. Monday night, the LSU Tigers beat the Clemson Tigers 42-25 to win the college football National Championship. It’s the first time a tiger beat itself since:

17. According to a new study, Mars is losing water quicker than expected. That story again, Mars is still more inhabitable than Flint, Michigan.

18. On Monday, the Cleveland Browns named Kevin Stefanski their new head coach because, I assume, he was the last one to say ‘Not it.’

19. A Florida woman was arrested this week for building a bomb in a Walmart from items she found in the store. So, just one item?:

20. Last week, a man asked a court to grant his motion for trial by combat so he can meet his ex-wife and her attorney “on the field of battle.” “Hey at least I asked the court ahead of time this time,” said O.J.

February 4, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. The NFL is looking into a report that a laser pointer was aimed at New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady during the AFC Championship game last month. Which would explain why Brady was sacked three times by Mr. Whiskers:

2. Rudy Giuliani recently told ‘The New Yorker’ that he’s worried that his tombstone will read “Rudy Giuliani, he lied for Trump.” Which is still better than what it would have said before he took the job:

3. A rare book owned by Adolf Hitler, acquired by Canada’s national archive, allegedly contains a detailed blueprint for a North American Holocaust. That story again Steve Bannon’s upcoming memoir is likely to have some copyright issues. 

4. The search engine Bing was blocked in China on Wednesday. Okay, that explains why no one in China uses Bing, but what about literally every where else?

5. A Utah man has sued actress Gwyneth Paltrow for $3.1 million, claiming she slammed into him on a ski slope in 2016, breaking four of his ribs and knocking him unconscious. He is suing for $2 million for the physical harm the accident caused and $1.1 million for the mental damage caused by watching ‘Mortdecai’:

6. In a recent interview, President Trump said he would have a hard time letting his son Barron play football. Well, actually, his exact words were, “I have a son named Barron?”

7. According to a new study, most hobbyist rock climbers lack the basic rescue skills needed to save themselves in dangerous situations. And also the basic skills to dress themselves:

8. Last week, after pleading guilty to a harassment charge, actor Alec Baldwin agreed to take anger-management training. While Stephen Baldwin agreed to take Kinko’s management training.

9. A new study found that hundreds of keyless cars are vulnerable to high-tech auto theft. Meanwhile the keys to a 2015 Nissan Ultra have been left in the driver-side door for the past three days and not one person has tried to steal it.

10. Thailand’s Ministry of Education has ordered all schools in Bangkok to close for the remainder of the week due to dangerous levels of air pollution. When asked to comment, U.S. Secretary of Eduction, Betsy Devos said, “There’s place called Bangkok?”

11. Stacey Abrams, who narrowly lost Georgia’s recent gubernatorial election, will deliver the Democrats’ response to President Trump’s State of the Union address this Tuesday. That story, a politician, best known for losing the popular vote, will be giving a speech on Tuesday and Stacey Abrams will also be giving a speech.

12. Last week, Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz said he is considering running for president. As a result, Russia has already started planting spies to gather dirt:

13. A man in Japan claims to have a dated a cockroach he named Lisa for over a year. Unfortunately, the relationship ended abruptly the night they went dancing:

14. According to tech website Gizmodo, President Trump posted altered photos of himself to Twitter and Instagram that made him look thinner. Gizmodo became suspicious when they saw a photo where Trump’s entire body fit in frame.

15. According to a new study, a parasite found in cat urine has been linked to schizophrenia. “But just cat pee, right?” asked President Trump.

October 19, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Microsoft has created a new chamber that has been certified as the quietest place on Earth. And, to keep it that way, the chamber will be screening a copy of “Mortdecai” on a continuous loop.

2. Democratic presidential candidate Lincoln Chafee said he will remain in the race as long as he is able to raise important issues and tackle difficult questions. Questions like “Who are you?” and “What are you doing here?”

3. U.S. Republican presidential candidate Bobby Jindal raised only $579,438 in the last quarter. So it turns out you can raise $579,438 on pity alone.

4. Last week, General Mills announced a social media contest where ten winners will receive a box of marshmallow-only Lucky Charms. Which explains why the cereal’s new slogan is “They’re always after me diabetes.”

5. Last Wednesday, a Target store in San Jose, California accidentally played the audio to a porn movie over the store’s public address system. That announcement was quickly followed by an apology and another announcement for a clean up in every aisle.

6. Halloween masks of fugitive drug kingpin Joaquin “El Chapo” Guzman are flying off the shelves in Mexico. Dressing up and parading around as a country’s most-wanted fugitive in that country, what could possibly go wrong?

7. Alibaba offered to pay $3.5 billion to become the sole owner of Youku Tudou, which is known as China’s YouTube. Youku Tudou is similar to the regular YouTube except how-to cooking videos and cute dog videos are not separate categories.

8. On Sunday, Zambians took part in a national day of prayer, asking God to help their struggling country. “Yeah, that shit don’t work,” said Michigan fans.

9. According to the latest campaign finance report, Republican Donald Trump spent more money on hats, bumper stickers, yard signs and t-shirts than he did on anything else. Which, in couple of months, will come in handy for some poor kids in Africa who are wearing “2014 Seattle Seahawks Superbowl Champions” shirts.

10. Stephen Ross, owner of the NFL’s Miami Dolphins, launched a nonprofit organization on Friday aimed at combating racism by using sports to promote “understanding, respect and equality.” Ross said he decided to try to end racism because he wanted a task that was not as difficult as making the Dolphins good.

April 10, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to reports, Hillary Clinton is expected to launch her 2016 presidential campaign sometime in the next two weeks. Said Bill, “Keggar. My place. Sometime in the next two weeks.”

2. The Oklahoma Senate on Thursday passed a bill that would allow nitrogen gas as an execution method. And, to add a little levity to the proceedings, helium gas will be used for the inmates’ last words.

3. Amazon has sued four websites to stop them from selling fake, positive product reviews. The online retailer became wise to the scheme when a DVD copy of Mortdecai got two stars.

4. On Wednesday, Rand Paul released a comic book detailing his campaign initiatives. So, if you like comic books, you’re gonna hate this.

5. President Obama invited the Washington Wizards to the White House this week for a game of basketball. “Oh, I get it now,” said a visibly disappointed Biden when he showed up dressed as Gandolf.

6. According to a new poll taken in Cuba, President Obama is more popular than Fidel Castro. So now Fidel Castro and Mitt Romney have exactly one thing in common.

7. In a recent interview, Los Angeles Lakers coach Byron Scott said, given the opportunity, he thinks most of his players would shoot him in the back. But he’s not worried because Kobe would never give a teammate a chance to shoot.

8. In a recent interview, actress Sofia Vergara said she wishes she had fake boobs. “Are you crazy? You’re boobs are perfect,” said men everywhere, “Unless you were thinking about going bigger because we could get on board with that.”

9. A New Jersey teacher said governor Chris Christie isn’t a good role model for kids because he uses phrases like “shut up” and “idiot.” And, since this is New Jersey, I assume her problem is that he’s not using phrases like “fuhgeddaboudit” or “fanook” instead.

10. On Wednesday, the FDA announced a recall of 30,000 cases of Sabra hummus due to a possible listeria contamination. “Oh dear God, No!” said white people.

11. Yesterday it was announced that Eddie Murphy will receive this year’s Mark Twain Prize for American Humor. Because just like Mark Twain, Eddie Murphy used to be funny.

12. British Prime Minister David Cameron is taking criticism from the working class after being caught on camera eating a hotdog with a knife and fork. If British voters want a leader who doesn’t use utensils, may I suggest Chris Christie. Sometimes he doesn’t even bother to chew.

13. Kentucky Senator and presidential hopeful Rand Paul is selling autographed copies of the Constitution on his website for $1,000 a piece. He’s also selling unautographed copies  for $2,000.

14. A review of 11 popular commercial diets found that Jenny Craig and Weight Watchers were the most effective long-term weight loss programs. The least effective, Ruben Studdard’s Handfuls of Butter diet.

15. According to reports, Hillary Clinton has signed a lease on an office building in Brooklyn that will most likely be her 2016 campaign headquarters. The Clinton campaign settled upon Brooklyn after Bill watched an episode of “Girls.”

March 26, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Former President George W. Bush will be in Dallas all this week raising money for his brother Jeb’s presidential run. So, if you’re in the Dallas-Ft. Worth area, be sure to stop by George’s lemonade stand.

2. According to research, seventy minutes of math and science homework per night is best for teenage students. As a result, the researchers have been given wedgies and stuffed into their lockers.

3. Yesterday, singer Zayn Malik announced that he is quitting the wildly popular boy-band One Direction. Malik said he made the decision after getting some good advice from Pete Best.

4. Ketchup maker Heinz is acquiring a majority stake in Kraft Foods to create the third-largest North American food company. Fourth, if Chris Christie ever becomes incorporated.

5. On Wednesday, a bill that would make physician-assisted suicide legal for terminally ill patients in California passed through the state Senate. “I guess I was just ahead of my time,” said Dr. Conrad Murray.

6. According to research, typing text messages, scrolling web pages and checking emails on your smartphone may be changing the way your thumbs and brain interact. Which may explain why some movie critics gave “Mortdechai” two thumbs up.

7. Major League Baseball said on Wednesday it was investigating whether Miami Marlins pitcher Jared Cosart discussed sports betting with an alleged gambler on Twitter. If found guilty, Cosart could be sentenced to up to five more years pitching for the Marlins.

8. This upcoming baseball season, the Milwaukee Brewers will be offering fried nachos on a stick, which will consist of a stick of beef, loaded with refried beans, rolled in Doritos, deep fried and then drizzled with sour cream and nacho cheese. This marks the biggest breakthrough in nacho-related technology since the nacho cheese hat.

9. This week, Taco Bell introduced a new breakfast menu item called biscuit tacos. You know, traditional Mexican food.

10. On Wednesday, the NBA announced that the Charlotte Hornets and the Los Angeles Clippers will play two pre-season games in China next year. The exhibition games will give Chinese kids the thrill of watching the basketball shoes they made in action.

March 19, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to court documents, when real estate heir and accused murderer Robert Durst was arrested on Sunday he had in his possession more than $40,000 and a neck-to-head latex mask to alter his appearance. When asked what he planned on doing with the items, Durst answered, “Nothing,” and then he blinked like 100 times in a row.

2. According to reports, Senator Rand Paul will declare his candidacy for the 2016 Republican presidential nomination on April 7th. Although, considering his chances, April 1st seems more appropriate.

3. According to rumors, Al Gore is considering a run for president in 2016. He already has a campaign slogan, which was Bill Clinton’s favorite saying while in office, “Don’t Tell Hillary.”

4. Yesterday, Vin Diesel announced that his girlfriend gave birth to their third child. I don’t know what’s scarier, that Vin Diesel is responsible for three children or seven Fast & Furious movies.

5. On Tuesday, the Associated Press issued an apology for incorrectly reporting that accused murderer Robert Durst was the lead singer of Limp Bizkit. The craziest part of that story is it was still the best press Limp Bizkit has gotten in years.

6. In a recent interview, President Obama said young voters should put the legalization of marijuana at the bottom of their priority list. Said young voters, “Even if we do that, it will still be at the top of the list because it’s the only thing on our list.”

7. Earlier this week, a flight from Washington D.C. to Denver was forced to make an emergency landing after a passenger ran up and down the aisle telling, “Jihad! Jihad!” But, in that man’s defense, the inflight movie was “Mortdecai.”

8. Paul McCartney will induct Beatles bandmate Ringo Starr into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame next month. And, I like to think, if John and George were alive to day we wouldn’t give a shit about Ringo.

9. In a recent interview with ‘Playboy’ magazine, former Vice President Dick Cheney called President Obama the worst president of his lifetime. Not to be outdone, Biden called Bush a fag in ‘Hustler.’

10. The Texas Rangers plan on opening a concession stand in their stadium for this upcoming season that will only serve different types of fried foods. Which explains the team’s new slogan, “Come for the baseball, stay because you died of a heart-attack.”

January 27, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. A drone crashed landed on the White House lawn early Monday morning. “Good to know I’m not the only robotic droid who failed to make all the way to the White House,” said Mitt Romney.

2. According to a new study, kids who were raised in a Romanian institution for abandoned children have smaller heads, smaller brains and different white matter structure in their brains than kids who were moved into high-quality foster care at an early age. Or, maybe, no one wanted to adopt the stupid kid with the small, creepy head.

3. Team Irvin beat Team Carter 32-28 in the NFL Pro Bowl Sunday night. So if you had Team Carter and the points, congratulations, you have a gambling problem.

4. An Oregon man who claims his rights were violated last year when he was arrested outside the federal courthouse in downtown Portland for playing his violin in the nude is suing the police department for $1.1 million. The police report noted the man had a tiny instrument and also a violin.

5. According to researchers, twenty-somethings who were born prematurely are less likely to move in with a lover or have sex than their peers who were born at full term. So it should come as no surprise that Paris Hilton was born twenty weeks after her due date.

6. A woman in China is being prosecuted for selling her newborn baby for $7,000. “What can I get for a slightly used baby?” said Casey Anthony.

7. According to a new study, women should wait until after sex to urinate, because peeing beforehand may lead to a urinary tract infection. “Well, there is a third option,” said R Kelly.

8. Kentucky Fried Chicken is now offering a hotdog in a bun made out of fried chicken. It’s part of KFC’s new My Life Has No Value Meal.

9. In a recent interview, Johnny Depp was critical of actors who become musicians, saying “the whole thing just makes me sick.” Oh, sorry, that quote was actually a review of the movie “Mortdecai.”

10. New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady said on Monday his feelings have been hurt during the NFL’s investigation into his team’s use of deflated balls. Lucky for him, the best cure for hurt feelings is a hot model wife and millions of dollars.