April 13, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. There is a new show on Quibi called ‘Murder House Flip’ where people renovate notorious homicide homes. “If this keeps up much longer, they’re gonna have a lot more homes to choose from,” said couples quarantined together. 

2. Last week, aides to Joe Biden said the likely Democratic nominee will arrange a call with President Trump to discuss the country’s response to the deadly coronavirus pandemic. Together they will tackle the nation’s biggest challenge, two 70-plus-year-old men trying to figure out a Zoom call:

 3. Walt Disney might require theme park visitors to have their temperatures checked when they reopen after coronavirus restrictions on public gatherings are lifted. “Bend over,” said Goofy:

4. Queen Elizabeth made a rare address to the nation last weekend to address the coronavirus pandemic. Wow, it must be so comforting to have a leader that rarely addresses the nation:

5. According to reports, President Trump has been advocating the use of hydrochloroquine to treat the coronavirus because Rudy Guiliani has been telling him that it works. Which explains Trump’s other suggested cure, marrying your first cousin.

6. Last Tuesday was National Beer Day. Said Americans, “What’s Tuesday?”

7. According to a new study, you can predict how many women a man has slept with by how funny he is. That story again, Rob Schneider is still a virgin.

8. A painting by Vincent van Gogh was stolen in an overnight raid at a Dutch museum. I’m jealous, not of the payday that will come from selling that masterpiece, but that they got out of their house and went to a museum. 

9. Over the weekend, “Saturday Night Live” returned to television with a new, remotely produced show. And I think i speak for everyone when I say, please, no one tell the producers of ‘God Friended Me” that’s possible.

10. Last week, author JK Rowling launched a ‘Harry Potter at Home’ online tool for kids in lockdown. Not to be outdone, Jared from Subway showed his tool to kids online and now he’s under lockdown.

11. According to a new study, cats can contract and pass the coronavirus. So that explains all the social distancing:

12. Last week, O.J. Simpson said that one of the stars of the Netflix docu-series ‘Tiger King’ definitely killed her husband. What makes him the authority on …. oh, right, right, right, the double murder thing.

13. The Democratic Party on Thursday postponed its presidential nominating convention by a month until August, citing the coronavirus health crisis. “So you’re telling me I still got a chance,” said Tulsi Gabbard.

14. A petition to name Dr. Anthony Fauci the “Sexiest Man Alive” is gaining momentum. Because if the virus keeps up, he will be the only man alive.

15. President Trump said Friday his administration was now recommending Americans wear “non-medical cloth” face coverings. Adding, “Especially the uggos.”

16. The Supreme Court on Friday postponed oral arguments scheduled for April as a result of the coronavirus and is considering alternative options for handling its outstanding cases. And those alternatives better involve Ruth Bader Ginsburg quarantined in the fucking Popemobile:

17. In a conference call with major league sports commissioners on Saturday, President Trump said he believes the NFL season should start on time in September. Although the football players weren’t enthusiastic about going back after the call, not because of the virus, but because they just got a firsthand look at the end-result of suffering severe brain damage:

18. Actor Arnold Schwarzenegger has been posting self-isolation videos of him eating meals at home with his tiny donkey and miniature horse. So I think it’s safe to assume Maria Shriver won that divorce.

19. According to reports, the King of Thailand is self-quarantining by renting out an entire hotel in Germany for himself and his twenty girlfriends. So at least we already know the epicenter of the next viral pandemic.

20. Last week, President Trump said he didn’t want to give the American people bad news during the coronavirus pandemic. Then maybe he should stop holding daily televised press conference reminding the American people that he’s still the president.

21. During a press conference last week, President Trump called himself a ‘cheerleader’ for the country. Marking the first time I’ve ever actually felt bad for Kellyanne Conway:

22. According to a new study, most Americans want the government to require mail-in ballots for the November presidential election if the coronavirus outbreak still threatens the public. Begging the question how much postage does it take to mail a ballot from Russia?

23. A group of clowns who usually entertain retirees in their rooms at seniors homes has taken to performing outside instead so their audience can watch from their windows while in coronavirus-enforced isolation. But if the seniors miss that show, don’t worry, this group of clowns puts on a performance on your tv everyday:

24. Last week, Dr. Anthony Fauci said he does not think people should shake hands “ever again.” “Look who was ahead of his time,” said President Trump:

25. This week, rapper Drake revealed that he has a Birkin bag collection that he purchased for his future wife. “Yeah, that’s why I had that pocketbook collection too,” said the ghost of Liberace.

January 2, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Inside sources say, for the past 30 years, the first thing President-elect Donald Trump does every morning is read news clippings that are all about him. Unfortunately, now the rest of America does so as well.

2. According to Billboard, Mozart sold more CDs than Beyonce in 2016. Said Kanye, “I’m gonna let you finish Mozart, but Salieri had the best album this year!”

3. Actor Tom Arnold is claiming he has unused tapes from “The Apprentice” that feature President-elect Donald Trump using inflammatory and racist language. I never thought I’d say this, but where the hell have you been Tom Arnold?

4. According to a new study, children are more likely to become overweight or obese during summer vacation than during the school year. As if you needed further proof that Honey Boo Boo has never been to school.

5. A Georgia man was arrested last week after authorities said he hit his girlfriend with a workbook from his anger management class. Said the man, “I was skeptical that this workbook would help, but I do feel a lot better now.”

6. According to research, school attendance improves when girls in sub-Saharan Africa are taught about menstruation and given free sanitary towels. Also, the school saves a lot of money because they don’t have to replace as many desk chairs.

7. Police in Arkansas want to know if an Amazon Echo, which is a home personal assistant device that responds to voice commands, overheard something that can help with a murder case. But Echo better thing twice about talking because, as everyone knows, snitches get glitches.

8. Last week, rapper Drake, who is 30, and singer Jennifer Lopez, who is 47, appeared to confirm their rumored romantic relationship on Instagram. I’m guessing Drake started at her bottom and hasn’t made much progress since.

9. Friday night, former UFC champion Ronda Rousey lost to current bantamweight champion Amanda Nunes in just 48-seconds. “I could have knocked her out in thirty,” said an unimpressed Chris Brown.

10. Sunday morning Los Angeles residents awoke to find the iconic “Hollywood” sign changed to read “Hollyweed” by an unknown suspect. This marks the first time in history that a pothead said “You know what would be cool” and then actually got off the couch and did it.

September 9, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Monday, Donald Trump’s lawyer Michael Cohen tweeted out a picture of a cloud that resembled the Republican presidential nominee claiming that it was a sign from God. And, I gotta admit, that’s pretty incredible, that, after years of working closely with Trump, Cohen still believes there’s a God.

2. On Wednesday, Apple announced that Pokemon Go players have traveled a combined distance of 4.6 billion kilometers and then revealed that the game will soon be playable on the Apple watch. And, considering the love life of most Pokemon Go users, putting the distance counter on their wrists will dramatically increase that total.

3. Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump on Thursday said he was against the Iraq War all along despite telling radio host Howard Stern in 2002 that he favored it. So, now, even Donald Trump is calling Donald Trump a liar.

4. Actor Mel Gibson called the ‘Batman v. Superman’ movie “a piece of shit.” Suggesting a simple, quick fix to could have made it much better:

5. North Korea has forbidden people from making sarcastic comments about Kim Jong Un or his totalitarian regime in their everyday conversations. That reminds me of that old adage, if you don’t have something nice to say, we’ll execute you.

6. On Thursday, while talking about the war in Syria, Libertarian Party presidential candidate Gary Johnson made a political gaffe when he asked, “What’s Aleppo?” Said Donald Trump, “You idiot, it’s dog food.”

7. Yesterday, Playboy won a legal fight to stop a website from posting links to images published without their permission. So, now frequenters of that website will just have to find another way to see naked ladies on the internet.

8. The boyfriend of a 698 pound woman says he uses a funnel to feed to her in an effort to help her gain weight. Because, you know, it’s past Labor Day and bikini season’s over.

9. On Thursday, Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton accused opponent Donald Trump of not taking the election seriously, saying, “It is a game to him, everything is a game.” Said Trump, “That’s simply not true, unless, of course you’re talking about my extremely successful Trump: The Game boardgame:

10. A 60-year-old school janitor in the U.K. is engaged to a 18-year-old student. The student said it was a relief when she turned 18 and could finally come out of the janitor’s closet.

11. Parents in Indianapolis are upset that a Hustler store is opening up next to a Chuck E. Cheese. More accurately, mothers in Indianapolis are upset that a Hustler store is opening up next to a Chuck E. Cheese.

12. In an interview, Republican presidential Donald Trump said his opponent Hillary Clinton “doesn’t look presidential.” And he would know, no one is more presidential than him considering our founding fathers also had slaves, wore wigs and didn’t care about the black vote:

13. A briefcase containing $3 million in jewelry was stolen from rapper Drake’s tour bus. “I can relate,” said MC Hammer, “I live in my car, too.”

14. A Kansas man admitted to robbing a bank last week in order to go to jail to avoid his wife. Where, ironically, he became someone else’s wife.

15. 12-year-old Jeremy Shuler, an academic prodigy, is starting his freshman year at Cornell this fall. “Just a stab in the dark, but do they need a football coach over there?” said Jerry Sandusky.
16. During a speech last week, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump said that America is like “the big bully that keeps getting beat up.” Which explains Trump’s new campaign slogan: Trump 2016 – Stop Hitting Yourself!
17. Last week, Latinos for Trump founder Marco Gutierrez said if Hillary Clinton wins the presidency “there will be taco trucks on every corner.” And, after all the indignities, it’s crazy to think, that was the thing that made Chris Christie switch his vote.

18. On Friday, an education official in the Philippines said that starting next year the country will begin testing all incoming college freshmen for drugs. “Well, we had a good run,” said liberal arts schools.

19. Last week, a woman in the U.K. broke the silence during a sombre courtroom proceeding by farting very loudly. The incident was tough on everyone in the courtroom, especially the stenographer.

20. Republican vice presidential candidate Mike Pence said he will release his tax returns this week. “Yeah, those are from both of us,” said Trump.

November 17, 2014 – Monologue Joke

1. Tennessee Titans tight-end Chase Coffman has been fined $30,000 by the NFL for hitting a Baltimore Ravens assistant coach on the sidelines during a game last week. But, on the plus-side, at least the abuse is getting closer to taking place on the field.

2. A 91-year-old woman in Poland was declared dead on November 6 and sent to a funeral home, only to wake up 11 hours later in cold storage. It marked the first and only time anyone ever mistook Poland for heaven.

3. In a recording released by TMZ, actress Amanda Bynes is heard saying that she wants to murder her father. No word on whether Drake will somehow be involved in this murder as well.

4. In recent interviews with multiple prominent evangelical leaders, no one listed opposition to gay marriage as their top priority. This softening in stance has been attributed to the new, young evangelical minister, Tad Handsome.

5. One Republican leader on Sunday held open the possibility that his party could move to shut down the government in an attempt to stop President Obama from taking executive action on immigration policy. Said immigrants, “We’ll do those jobs.”

6. President Obama on Sunday defended his signature healthcare law after one of the White House’s advisers said the law passed because of the “stupidity” of the American voters. “My ears are burning,” said Joe Biden.

7. A two-cornered hat that belonged to French emperor Napoleon Bonaparte was sold to an anonymous South Korean bidder for $2.4 million at auction on Sunday. Are you sure the bidder who won the hat of the tiny leader who was hell bent on world domination wasn’t from North Korea?

8. Exotic dancers at a midtown Manhattan strip club were awarded early $10.9 million by a judge who found they were employees unfairly classified by the club as independent contractors. Although, I think it was a little uncouth for the judge to award that money by making it rain.

9. R.A. Montgomery, author of the long-running “Choose Your Own Adventure” books, died last week. His last words were reportedly, “Quick, go back to page 42.”

10. Hipsters in the Middle East are being confused with Jihadists because of their long beards. “Two birds, one stone,” said the guy who operates the drones.

May 15, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. This week, former Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney said he supports efforts to raise the minimum wage to $10. But that’s only because he doesn’t know that $1 and $5 bills exist.

2. According to a new report, 1 in 4 adults worldwide are anti-Semitic. The number used to be much lower, but then Donald Sterling opened his mouth.

3. The Oprah Winfrey Network announced on Wednesday that it had purchased the rights to a documentary series that will follow the life of openly gay NFL draftee Michael Sam. The last time OWN cameras were in a football locker room was that episode of “Lindsay” where she fucked the entire roster of the Dallas Cowboys.

4. The formal royal editor of Rupert Murdoch’s News of the World tabloid admitted to a London court to repeatedly hacking the phones of Princes William and Harry. While those compromising pictures of Camilla Parker Bowles remain completely untouched on Prince Charles’ phone.

5. A 100-carat yellow diamond sold at auction for $9.7 million to a private buyer yesterday. Begging the question, what’s Kobe apologizing for this time?

6. On Monday, Pope Francis said he’d baptize Martians if they showed up at the Vatican demanding to be baptized. So, for the record, gays no, Martians yes.

7. Justin Bieber is being accused of stealing a woman’s cell phone after she allegedly took pictures of the pop star’s involvement in an altercation. Is it possible that Biebs is modeling his life after King Joffrey and, if so, can please let it end the same way.

8. A world-renowned underwater explorer believes he’s found Christopher Columbus’ long-lost cargo ship, the Santa Maria, which was wrecked by a storm off the coast of Haiti. So, at this rate, we’ll find Malaysian flight 370 by 2536.

9. According to a new study, women are at an increased risk of being seriously injured from a motor vehicle accident during the second trimester of pregnancy. Making for the very weird slogan of “Abortions, you’ll drive better.”

10. Jay-Z, Beyonce and Drake led the BET Award nominations announced on Wednesday with five nods apiece. While the “Biggest Hit of the Year” category was locked up by Solange Knowles last week.

March 19, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. A state owned Chinese insurer will offer residents of Beijing insurance coverage against health risks caused by air pollution. Said one resident, “Where do I sign? No, seriously, where do I sign? I literally cannot see three feet in front of me.”

2. On Sunday, design students in England developed a new toilet that cuts water usage in half by having users manually tip the contents of the toilet into a drain. That story again, design students in England developed a bucket.

3. Rumors are swirling that singers Drake and Rihanna are now dating. Apparently Drake started at the bottom and then kinda hung out around there.

4. Last week, Cosmo magazine published an article about one of their reporter’s experience using pizza as a sex toy. So no, it’s not DiGornio, it’s disgusting.

5. Last week, Cosmo magazine published an article about one of their reporter’s experience using pizza as a sex toy. Although it sounds weird, the author says it works, she always came within 20 minutes.

6. Scientists in Florida studying the way lobsters sniff around for food on the sea floor say they have found a clue to developing technology that could help soldiers detect hidden landmines. Next up for the scientists, finding the cure for cancer by eating caviar and drinking champagne.

7. Phil Jackson was officially named president of the NBA’s New York Knicks on Tuesday. So it’s safe to say he had the worst St. Patty’s Day hangover.

8. According to a new study, medication directed at treating ADHD may be linked to weight gain during teenage years. Which would explain the sharp increase in the usage of the phrase, “Hey fatty, pay attention.”

9. On Tuesday, Disney CEO Bob Iger announced that the highly anticipated next installment of “Star Wars” will be set 30 years after “Return of the Jedi.” When asked what led to that decision, Iger said, “We wanted to make sure that Jar-Jar was dead.”

10. On Tuesday, Disney CEO Bob Iger announced that the highly anticipated next installment of “Star Wars” will be set 30 years after “Return of the Jedi.” Which sounds exciting until you here that Luke gets 30 years into the future through the help of an eccentric scientist and his DeLorean.

Monologue Jokes – May 29, 2013

1. According to research, exposure to pesticides and other chemicals is linked to an increased risk of developing Parkinson’s disease. So I guess the other boxers’ were soaking their gloves in pesticides, right Ali?

2. During a visit to the Jersey shore, Governor Chris Christie won a teddy bear for President Obama at a boardwalk game booth. I guess we know who wears the extremely oversized pants in that relationship.

3. On Tuesday, Nike announced that it will stop making products for the Livestrong Foundation at the end of this year. Looks like it’s back to making iPods, Chinese kids.

4. The National Spelling Bee will now require contestants to not only know the correct spelling, but also the definition of each word. “More things to study, but that will cut into my social life,” said none of the contestants.

5. Retail giant Wal-Mart pled guilty to multiple counts of violating the Clean Water Act and will be forced to pay $82 million as a result. When reached for comment, Wal-Mart customers said, “What’s water? Is it like Mountain Dew?”

6. Actor Rob Lowe will portray assassinated President John F. Kennedy in a television movie based on a book by TV news commentator Bill O’Reilly. Gotta admit, not the outcome I was hoping for from a sentence that contained the words “assassinated” and “Bill O’Reilly.”

7. U.S. prosecutors have filed an indictment against the operators of digital currency exchange Liberty Reserve, accusing the Costa Rica-based company of helping criminals launder money. “What the fuck!?!” said the Cayman Islands.

8. According to a new poll, disgraced former Rep. Anthony Weiner is gaining ground in the New York City mayoral race. Here’s your headline NY Post, “Weiner’s Poll Rising.”

9. New York police say they’ve found no evidence corroborating a claim by actress Amanda Bynes that she was sexually harassed after police were called to her apartment. Although police say Drake remains a person of interest.

10. Some U.S. retailers are replacing salespeople with a smartphone app that tracks customers’ locations in the store and sends them offers and recommendations. And now begins the work by Republicans of building a wall to keep apps out.

Monologue Jokes – March 28, 2013

1. This week the Supreme Court heard oral arguments on the issue of same-sex marriage. Instead of marching, many took to Facebook to voice their support for marriage equality, which is a shame, because gays are great at parades.

2. Yesterday, conservative Fox News host Bill O’Reily said that same-sex marriage advocates have more convincing arguments than opponents. You can hear more of O’Reily’s views …oh wait, no, nevermind, he just got fired.

3. Yesterday, conservative Fox News host Bill O’Reily said that same-sex marriage advocates have more convincing arguments than opponents. Not to be outdone, Rush Limbaugh blew a guy.

4. Yesterday, conservative Fox News host Bill O’Reily said that same-sex marriage advocates have more convincing arguments than opponents. Meanwhile, in his secret, evil, underground lair, Roger Ailes’s head exploded. Fortunately, the cat that he was petting on his lap was unharmed.

5. A Brazilian doctor appeared in court for allegedly killing patients to free up hospital beds. But, in the doctor’s defense, she was really tired and wanted to take a nap.

6. Last night, the Chicago Bulls beat the Miami Heat ending the Heat’s winning streak at 27 games, or as the Cleveland Cavaliers know it, 27 seasons worth of wins.

7. It has been reported that after Argo won the Best Picture Oscar ar this year’s Academy Awards, director Ben Affleck shaved off his beard. As a result, my favorite Hollywood beard is now Kelly Preston.

8. Conservative political commentator Rush Limbaugh said that lesbians don’t have to worry about their appearance so they are free to get fat and let themselves go. Now I know what you’re thinking, but Limbaugh never let himself go, because he was always super fat … and ugly, too!

9. The IRS is seeing fewer error-riddled tax returns. Last year, the IRS identified 2.7 million math mistakes, which is less than half of the 6.6 million errors found in 2011. And I like to think I helped out a little because I didn’t do my taxes last year. You’re welcome IRS.

10. South African track star Oscar Pistorius, who is charged with murder, is now allowed to travel overseas after a judge lifted a bail condition. So watch Rio de Janerio, site of the 2016 Summer Olympics. No seriously, watch out, he may have murdered someone.

11. South African track star Oscar Pistorius, who is charged with murder, is now allowed to travel overseas after a judge lifted a bail condition. Hopefully he doesn’t hop a flight and try to hide by changing his name, dying his hair and growing a moustache … oh right, the one leg thing, I think we’re good here.

12. For the second straight year, San Pedro Sula, a city in Honduras, has been named the “murder capital” of the world, topping the list of the world’s most dangerous cities. In a related story, actress Amanda Bynes has moved to San Pedro Sula hoping that singer Drake will come to visit.

13. Sinbad Joke of the Week: Yesterday, President Obama swore in Julia Pierson as the first female director of the U.S. Secret Service. But good luck keepin’ it a secret now, because women be gossipin’, amiright fellas?