Tag Archives: Camilla Parker Bowles

June 23, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

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1. A third Alabama schoolteacher has been arrested for alleged sexual misconduct with a student. That’s crazy, who knew they even had three teachers in Alabama?

2. It was announced yesterday that a sitcom based on the life of Tom Arnold is in the works. The show will be called, “So Jim Belushi Said No.”

3. A California man has visited Disneyland for the past 2,000 days in a row. Said the man, “I know I can’t go within 200 feet of a school, but the judge didn’t say anything about amusement parks.”

4. A musical based on the life of Princess Diana is coming to Broadway. And I believe they already made a Broadway musical about Camilla Parker Bowles:

5. The heir to the luxury crystal brand Swarovski got married over the weekend in a dress encrusted with 500,000 jewels that weighed 100 pounds. The bride weighing an extra 100 pounds should prepare the groom for married life.

6. Researchers have found that older people who have sex more often increase their brain power. Yup, that checks out:

7. ‘Wheel of Fortune’ is under fire for using a photographic backdrop showing two African-Americans in slave-era clothing. But, in the show’s defense, it was a prize puzzle, and the prize was a trip to see a taping of Bill Maher.

8. According to reports, Kim Kardashian and Kanye West have hired a surrogate to carry their third child. I assume because the fire marshall told Kim the amount of people allowed inside of her has reached maximum occupancy.

9. Britain’s Queen Elizabeth stirred up social media on Wednesday when she opened parliament in a hat looking very much like a European Union flag. Which really drew attention away from her “Who Farted?” t-shirt:

10. Korean scientists have developed glasses that allow the wearer to see sound. So far, seven people have gone blind listening to Kesha.

11. A Jerusalem court ruled on Wednesday that airline employees cannot ask women to change seats to spare a man from having to sit next to a woman. “Bummer,” said this guy:

12. According to a new study, fathers who get more involved in raising their children may be helping to lower their kids’ risk of obesity. That story again, Barron’s gonna be fat.

13. Today is take your dog to work day. Which is easily the most hectic day at the squirrel factory.

14. According to a new survey, 39% of office workers admitted to masturbating while at work. That story again, there’s a 39% chance that wasn’t White Out.

May 6, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

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1. There is a 4-month-old baby in China who was born with 31 fingers and toes. And if you think that’s bad, the parents’ previous baby was even more deformed, it was a girl.

2. On Thursday, London elected Sadiq Khan as mayor, making Khan the first Muslim mayor of any major western city. “But not the first president,” said FoxNews.

3. According to the FBI, a man who went into multiple Michigan grocery stores and sprayed poison on the food is now in custody. No word on who will fill his shoes as president of Monsanto.

4. This week, a North Carolina woman, who was diagnosed with breast cancer six years ago and is still undergoing chemotherapy, won the lottery for the second time in just three months. Proving that God does listen to our prayers, just not that well.

5. According to a new poll, supporters of Donald Trump see refugees arriving from Iraq and Syria as the greatest threat to the United States. The second greatest threat to Trump supporters is someone asking them to locate Iraq and Syria on a map.

6. On Wednesday, Prince Harry took to horseback to play a game of polo in Palm Beach. Either that, or he was getting a piggy back ride from Camilla Parker Bowles.

7. To reassure Asian tourists, Italy is importing Chinese police to patrol the streets of Rome. Which is pointless, because you know an hour after the Chinese police arrive they’re just gonna be hungry for more police.

8. In response to a young boy yelling “You Suck” at a Ted Cruz rally, the Republican presidential hopeful said in his house kids receive a spanking for saying such terrible things. Things like “I hate you,” “I wish I was never born,” and “You have no mathematical chance at being the Republican nominee.”

9. On Tuesday, New York City police found a body that washed ashore in Brooklyn wearing ‘cement shoes.’ But, apparently not very good cement shoes.

10. On Tuesday, six-year-old presidential expert Macey Hensley got a surprise visit from former President George W. Bush while she was touring his presidential library. And I can think of no one who would be more disappointed to meet George W. Bush than a presidential expert.

11. On Monday, a man fell off the Great Wall of China and somehow survived. The man credits all the kings’ horsemen and all the kings’ men.

12. An man in Minnesota has come forward claiming to be the secret child of Prince and demanding a DNA test. And, the guy may have an argument:
prince

13. Clay Aiken, the former American Idol star who ran for a North Carolina congressional seat in 2014, claims he put on 30 pounds on the campaign trail by eating nothing but Bojangles fried chicken. Which is ironic, because that is Ruben Studdard’s diet plan.

14. King of the informercial Phil Kives, who coined the phrase “As Seen on TV,” died last week at the age of 87. He is survived by his wife and two kids, but, if you call in now, he’ll throw in a third one for free.

15. Actor Woody Harrelson’s application to open a medical marijuana dispensary in Hawaii was rejected last week. Turns out the actor best known for being stoned all the time is not great with paperwork.

16. Producers have announced that a musical based on the life of Pope John Paul II is set to debut next year in Poland. So, if you like the Catholic Church and you like musicals, the Catholic Church doesn’t like you.

17. A woman who gave birth on a Jetstar flight from Singapore to Myanmar last week, named her newborn son Saw Jet Star after the airline. Which is much better than the name given to a baby born on a Malaysian Airlines flight, cute little Abortion Smith.

18. Campus police at the University of Illinois are investigating after someone drew swastikas in a campus building. “That’s outrageous! Only one building?!?” said the dean of Trump University.

19. This week a Cambridge scientist said he sees a not-too-distant future where humans live until 1,000 and have their bodies fixed like cars. That might be the case, but I still don’t appreciate my proctologist telling me he’s “checking my oil.”

20. Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump celebrated Cinco de Mayo on Thursday by tweeting a photo of himself with a taco bowl and the caption: “I love Hispanics.” It actually was just a hard shell taco, but it looked like a taco bowl next to Donald’s tiny little hands.

December 10, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

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1. On Monday, Prince William and Kate Middleton attended a Brooklyn Nets game with Jay-Z and Beyonce. Not to be outdone, Prince Charles and Camilla were allowed to play point guard for the New York Knicks.

2. Justin Bieber has reportedly dyed his hair platinum blonde. He’s gonna be pretty disappointed when he finds out Peter Pan Live already aired and he didn’t get the Tinkerbell role.

3. Marijuana activists in Washington D.C. are worried that a congressional deal over the budget will thwart November’s popular vote to legalize pot in the district. I can’t believe potheads are being paranoid about something.

4. Former President George W. Bush said a New York grand jury’s decision not to indict the police officer who choked and killed Eric Garner was “hard to understand.” So add that to the long list of things Bush doesn’t understand.

5. On Tuesday, a baby was born on a Southwest flight from San Francisco to Phoenix. The birth marked the first time anything associated with Southwest arrived early.

6. MIT economics professor Jonathan Gruber apologized on Tuesday for his “glib, thoughtless and sometimes downright insulting comments” about Obamacare and the intelligence of American voters. Said Gruber, “I’ll make sure to use small words in this apology so you idiots will understand.”

7. The Syfy channel is developing “Krypton,” a prequel origin series that will tell the story of Superman’s grandfather. The show will mainly consist of the elder Superman complaining about space immigrants taking all the good Kryptonian jobs.

8. Tacked to the end of the 1,603-page government spending bill released by the U.S. House of Representatives late Tuesday is a provision that would enable wealthy individuals to make significantly larger contributions to political parties. Ah, c’mon, I’m only on page 576, you gotta say ‘Spoiler Alert.’

9. On Tuesday, the Oklahoma City Public School Board unanimously voted to remove “Redskins” as the nickname for a local high school. They decided to do so, not because they thought the name was offensive to Native Americans, but because they didn’t want to be associated in any way with that train wreck of a football team in Washington.

10. According to a new study, the day of the week with the most workplace murders is Monday. But, on the plus-side, six-day weekend.

May 15, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

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1. This week, former Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney said he supports efforts to raise the minimum wage to $10. But that’s only because he doesn’t know that $1 and $5 bills exist.

2. According to a new report, 1 in 4 adults worldwide are anti-Semitic. The number used to be much lower, but then Donald Sterling opened his mouth.

3. The Oprah Winfrey Network announced on Wednesday that it had purchased the rights to a documentary series that will follow the life of openly gay NFL draftee Michael Sam. The last time OWN cameras were in a football locker room was that episode of “Lindsay” where she fucked the entire roster of the Dallas Cowboys.

4. The formal royal editor of Rupert Murdoch’s News of the World tabloid admitted to a London court to repeatedly hacking the phones of Princes William and Harry. While those compromising pictures of Camilla Parker Bowles remain completely untouched on Prince Charles’ phone.

5. A 100-carat yellow diamond sold at auction for $9.7 million to a private buyer yesterday. Begging the question, what’s Kobe apologizing for this time?

6. On Monday, Pope Francis said he’d baptize Martians if they showed up at the Vatican demanding to be baptized. So, for the record, gays no, Martians yes.

7. Justin Bieber is being accused of stealing a woman’s cell phone after she allegedly took pictures of the pop star’s involvement in an altercation. Is it possible that Biebs is modeling his life after King Joffrey and, if so, can please let it end the same way.

8. A world-renowned underwater explorer believes he’s found Christopher Columbus’ long-lost cargo ship, the Santa Maria, which was wrecked by a storm off the coast of Haiti. So, at this rate, we’ll find Malaysian flight 370 by 2536.

9. According to a new study, women are at an increased risk of being seriously injured from a motor vehicle accident during the second trimester of pregnancy. Making for the very weird slogan of “Abortions, you’ll drive better.”

10. Jay-Z, Beyonce and Drake led the BET Award nominations announced on Wednesday with five nods apiece. While the “Biggest Hit of the Year” category was locked up by Solange Knowles last week.

February 5, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

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1. A freshman guard on the Oklahoma State basketball team has been kicked off the squad following an arrest for urinating out of a moving vehicle. “If I had to do it again, I think I would have closed my sun-roof,” said the guy in the car behind him.

2. On Tuesday, the National Weather Service forecast that that winter storm that is slowly moving across the country will stretch from Wyoming to Maine and affect nearly 120 million people. In a related story, Punxsutawney Phil has added a deadbolt to the front door of Gobblers Knob.

3. Russian President Vladimir Putin arrived in Sochi on Tuesday, a few days before the start of the Winter Olympics. Said Putin, “This place looks terrible, what happened to all the decorators?”

4. After the SuperBowl, quarterback Michael Vick tweeted “No disrespect to Doug Baldwin but I think Russell Wilson should have got the MVP of last nights game.” One problem, Doug Baldwin didn’t win the MVP either, it actually went to linebacker Malcolm Smith. Although, it’s not surprising, because as an Eagles fan I’m used to seeing Vick drop back to pass and not even see the linebacker in coverage.

5. According to Britain’s “Mail on Sunday,” Queen Elizabeth has asked Kate Middleton to ditch the short skirts in favor of more conservative outfits. Kate could go ultra-conservative like Camilla Parker Bowles and wear a bag over her head.

6. According to the Congressional Budget Office, President Obama’s healthcare law will reduce the American workforce by 2 million full-time jobs by 2017. But, in the President’s defense, by 2017 it will no longer be his problem.

7. On Tuesday, Microsoft named a new CEO as Bill Gates was relieved of his duties as chairman. When asked about his future plans, Gates said, “Well, first-thing’s-first, I’m going to file for unemployment.”

8. According to a new study, half of parents with an overweight or obese child think their kids are slimmer than they actually are. News flash, your kid’s ugly too.

9. Two volunteer coaches of the eight-year-old football players featured on the reality show “Friday Night Tykes” have been suspended for encouraging dangerous play and bad behavior. “They’re a bunch of pussies,” said ex-coach Richie Incognito.

10. On the heels of the cyber-attack on Target, another credit card breach has been detected at hotel chains including Marriott, Holiday Inn and Sheraton. Alright, I give up. Let’s just get the inevitable over with, my Amex number is 3971 813352 9204, expiration date 03/17. Enjoy.

Monologue Jokes – July 18, 2013

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1. The latest edition of Rolling Stone magazine features Boston Marathon bombing suspect Dzhokhar Tsarnaev on the cover. The selection of Tsarnaev has angered some people, causing many to protest by continuing their previous practice of never buying a copy of Rolling Stone.

2. The latest edition of Rolling Stone magazine features Boston Marathon bombing suspect Dzhokhar Tsarnaev on the cover. “That’s bullshit, where’s our cover? We’ve been bombing in public for years,” said Nickelback.

3. The latest edition of Rolling Stone magazine features Boston Marathon bombing suspect Dzhokhar Tsarnaev on the cover. Many are upset about the selection, but don’t forget about the good things Dzhokhar has done, like killing Tamerlan Tsarnaev.

4. The latest edition of Rolling Stone magazine features Boston Marathon bombing suspect Dzhokhar Tsarnaev on the cover. Not since Rolling Stone picked Flavor Flav has someone graced the cover who has done less for an entire race.

5. According to reports, actor Robert Downey Jr. is in negotiations to play both Pinocchio and Geppetto in an upcoming movie version of the classic fairy tale. “Really? Pinocchio too?” said a disappointed Jerry Sandusky.

6. Scientists have created an “intelligent” surgical knife that can detect in seconds whether tissue being cut out is cancerous. Although that seems like something the doctors may want to look into before they start cutting.

7. Italian state television has decided to drop the Miss Italia beauty contest, which gave actress Sophia Loren her start, after 25 years on its airwaves. So now, if an Italian woman wants to know how she looks, she’ll have to walk past any Italian man.

8. On Wednesday in England, Queen Elizabeth gave her approval to a same-sex marriage bill. Said the Queen, “Now Prince Charles and that Camilla chap can finally marry.”

9. On Wednesday, the headquarters of the Environmental Protection Agency was re-named after former President Bill Clinton. Speaking about the honor, Clinton said, “I’m a big believer in a healthy bush, and I like nature, too.”

10. Yesterday, the Pope promised people a shorter stay in purgatory if they followed him on Twitter. Meanwhile, also on Twitter, Satan promised people a shorter stay in purgatory if they voted for his daughter in the upcoming Wyoming U.S. Senate race.