Tag Archives: Lindsay

May 15, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

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1. This week, former Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney said he supports efforts to raise the minimum wage to $10. But that’s only because he doesn’t know that $1 and $5 bills exist.

2. According to a new report, 1 in 4 adults worldwide are anti-Semitic. The number used to be much lower, but then Donald Sterling opened his mouth.

3. The Oprah Winfrey Network announced on Wednesday that it had purchased the rights to a documentary series that will follow the life of openly gay NFL draftee Michael Sam. The last time OWN cameras were in a football locker room was that episode of “Lindsay” where she fucked the entire roster of the Dallas Cowboys.

4. The formal royal editor of Rupert Murdoch’s News of the World tabloid admitted to a London court to repeatedly hacking the phones of Princes William and Harry. While those compromising pictures of Camilla Parker Bowles remain completely untouched on Prince Charles’ phone.

5. A 100-carat yellow diamond sold at auction for $9.7 million to a private buyer yesterday. Begging the question, what’s Kobe apologizing for this time?

6. On Monday, Pope Francis said he’d baptize Martians if they showed up at the Vatican demanding to be baptized. So, for the record, gays no, Martians yes.

7. Justin Bieber is being accused of stealing a woman’s cell phone after she allegedly took pictures of the pop star’s involvement in an altercation. Is it possible that Biebs is modeling his life after King Joffrey and, if so, can please let it end the same way.

8. A world-renowned underwater explorer believes he’s found Christopher Columbus’ long-lost cargo ship, the Santa Maria, which was wrecked by a storm off the coast of Haiti. So, at this rate, we’ll find Malaysian flight 370 by 2536.

9. According to a new study, women are at an increased risk of being seriously injured from a motor vehicle accident during the second trimester of pregnancy. Making for the very weird slogan of “Abortions, you’ll drive better.”

10. Jay-Z, Beyonce and Drake led the BET Award nominations announced on Wednesday with five nods apiece. While the “Biggest Hit of the Year” category was locked up by Solange Knowles last week.

April 22, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Yesterday, as expected, the New York Knicks fired head coach Mike Woodson. Said Woodson, “Joke’s on you, I quit months ago.”

2. The one-eyed, handless, radical Islamist terrorist Abu Hamza al-Masri went on trial yesterday. But he is more commonly known by his nickname, the non-committal suicide bomber,

3. A new study found, many emergency room doctors still give potentially dangerous opiates to kids for pains and coughs. Said the kids, ”Everyone just needs to relax.”

4. A judge on Monday found the bodyguard of singer Chris Brown guilty of assaulting a man outside a Washington hotel last October. Unfortunately, that man was not Chris Brown.

5. A New York City taxi driver is charged with keeping more than $28,000 that should have gone to bridge and tunnel tolls. I don’t know how the cabbie spent those ill-gotten funds, but I’m sure they didn’t go towards a car air-freshener.

6. Experts believe a 16-year-old who stowed-away in the wheel well of a five-hour Hawaiian Airlines flight from California to Hawaii survived the lack of oxygen and freezing temperatures by going into a “hibernative” state. Smart, I have trouble sleeping on long plane rides, too.

7. During the finale of her docu-series “Lindsay,” Lindsay Lohan revealed that she recently had a miscarriage. Apparently unborn fetuses need more than cigarettes and vodka to survive.

8. During the finale of her docu-series “Lindsay,” Lindsay Lohan revealed that she recently had a miscarriage. “Thank God I don’t have to weigh in on this one,” said pro-life advocates.

9. During the finale of her docu-series “Lindsay,” Lindsay Lohan revealed that she recently had a miscarriage. Say what you will, but that kid made a pretty good decision.

10. During the finale of her docu-series “Lindsay,” Lindsay Lohan revealed that she recently had a miscarriage. Man, even her unborn child doesn’t want to work with her.

December 24, 2013 – Monologue Jokes

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1. On Sunday, a Dutch arbitration court ruled that Tiffany & Co. must pay Swatch Group $448.79 million in damages over their failed joint venture to produce and market watches. Tiffany’s backed out of the deal after learning the new line of timepieces would be called “Twatches.”

2. According to a new study, the children of women who regularly ate peanuts or tree nuts during pregnancy appear to be at lower risk for nut allergies than other kids. Which explains why Lindsay Lohan isn’t allergic to vodka.

3. The HPV vaccine, Gardasil, has been recalled due to glass shards in some of the vials. Although the vaccine is arguably more effective now because you’re not even concerned about contracting HPV after you’ve had sex with a girl how has a vagina full of glass.

4. The two members of Russian punk Pussy Riot who were freed from prison this week derided President Vladimir Putin’s decision that led to their early release as nothing more than a publicity stunt. So maybe don’t clear all of their stuff out of their jail cells so quickly.

5. Revelers who can’t make it to New York’s Time Square to celebrate New Year’s Eve this year can download an app that allows them to see the ball drop on their phone. But no app will be able to replace the real Times Square experience of being crammed next to complete strangers, in the bitter cold, surrounded by the overwhelming stench of urine and having a 20 percent chance that you’ll contract Hep C before the clock strikes midnight. Happy New Year everyone!

6. A new study suggests, children who are teased while playing sports tend to have a worse quality of life then their non-teased peers. “So quit it, you guys,” said A-Rod.

7. A day after Target announced that forty million of its customers had their credit and debit card information stolen by hackers, the retailer announced a 10% discount for all shoppers at its stores over the weekend. “10% is nice, but I think I’ll stick with the 100% off,” said the hackers.

8. Overweight and obese men in a new study showed diminished quality and quantity of semen suggesting a weight problem might also affect fertility. “Well, that must be my problem,” said Chaz Bono.

9. On Thursday, singer Selena Gomez cancelled her upcoming Australian concert tour, saying she needed to take the time to put herself before her work. “I have always put myself before work, actually I have put anything before work,” said Kim Kardashian.

10. According to figures released by Major League Baseball, Dodger Stadium was the most visited ballpark of the 2013 baseball season. The least visited ballpark was Houston’s Minute Maid Park, and according to the Astro’s 51-111 record, some nights the team didn’t even show up.