May 31, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. 107-year-old Virginia McLaurin, who got invited to the White House last year, attended her first Major League Baseball game last week. They made sure to buy her some crackerjacks because they’re pretty sure she’s never coming back.

2. According to Cosmopolitan, bickering about chores is more harmful to a couple than cheating. “Those are kinda one-in-the-same when you’re fucking the maid,” said Arnold Schwarzenegger.

3. On Sunday, Alexander Rossi won the 100th running of the Indy 500. Although, I’m not sure you can call anyone who drives 500 miles only to wind up in Indianapolis a winner

4. A new study found that women with deeper voices are more persuasive. And they may have point, because Bruce asked to be called Caitlyn and we all just agreed.

5. A Minnesota funeral home as added a bar to liven up funerals. And, as a funeral home, allowing mourners to drive home after a few cocktails is good for business.

6. An ad for a Chinese laundry detergent in which a black man is washed into an Asian man is being derided as racist. Even worse, the detergent is called ‘apar-Tide.’

7. Last week, a 58-year-old man in South Carolina applied for a bank loan so he could purchase more meth. He put down “willing to suck your dick” as collateral.

8. After allegations of domestic abuse, a judge has granted actress Amber Heard a temporary restraining order against former husband Johnny Depp. For the sake of the movie industry, do you think the judge would order Depp to stay away from Tim Burton, too?

9. On Sunday, the Libertarian party nominated former New Mexico Governor Gary Johnson as their presidential nominee. So, if this is the first you’re hearing about it, it’s also probably the last.

10. Israel’s first transgender beauty pageant was won by a Taleen Abu Hanna, a Christian Arab, on Friday. Abu Hanna was given a crown while the pageant host sang “There she is, Miss Trans Israel,” which will be the only time she hears those words not immediately followed by “let’s get her!”

10 Best Jokes of the Week (as decided by me, I don’t care about your opinion)

1. A San Francisco-based company has won a U.S. government-sponsored competition by inventing alcohol monitoring devices that can be worn on the wrist. Which explains why Billy Joel always thinks the time is 0.141%.

2. On Tuesday, presumptive Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump called Democratic Senator Elizabeth Warren ‘Pocahontas,’ a reference to how her native American heritage became a divisive campaign issue. Which means, between the two of them, at least one knows how to run a successful casino.

3. According to sources, Mawlawi Haibatullah Akhundzada, the man appointed as the new leader of the Taliban on Wednesday, was not the obvious choice coming into the election. In fact, Akhundzada won a surprising victory after beating out the early odds-on favorite, Jeb Bush.

4. According to a new study, letting your baby ‘cry it out’ instead of interfering is an effective sleep training method that does not cause stress or lasting emotional problems for the baby. The study was apparently conducted on every flight I have ever been on.

5. Kentucky Derby winner Nyquist will miss next month’s Belmont Stakes because of a high white cell count, his trainers said on Tuesday. Which is probably for the best, because if Nyquist had lost that race all his cells would be white:
glue

6. On Tuesday, Buffalo Bills General Manager Doug Whaley said football is such a violent game that he doesn’t “think humans are supposed to play.” Although, if spent all day watching the Bills, you’d probably question whether humans were supposed to play football as well.

7. The San Diego Padres apologized to the San Diego Gay Men’s Chorus on Sunday after a recording of the national anthem played over the loud speaker as they tried to sing the song before a game. Although, I’m guessing an all-men’s chorus who felt the need to put the word ‘gay’ in their title is cool with needless redundancies.

8. On Friday, Vice President Joe Biden started a speech at an Ohio ice cream factory by saying “My name is Joe Biden and I like ice cream.” But, to be fair, that how he starts every speech.

9. Over the weekend, a solar airplane that is attempting to circumnavigate the globe took off from Oklahoma. And, even if the plane doesn’t make it all the way around the world, just getting out of Oklahoma is something to celebrate.

10. On Sunday, 87-year-old Jane Little, who played in the Atlanta Symphony Orchestra for a Guinness World Record 71 years, collapsed and died on stage while playing an encore. Cellist Yo-Yo Ma said she was “an amazing musician,” Kenny G said, “she died doing what she loved,” and Nickelback said, “What’s an encore?”

May 27, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Thursday, U.S. health officials reported the first case of a patient with an infection resistant to all known antibiotics. To learn more about this infection talk to the guy coughing on you on the F-train.

2. Yesterday, tennis player Maria Sharapova was selected to represent Russia in the upcoming Olympic Games, even though she has been suspended from competition after testing positive for a testosterone boosting banned substance. And, it doesn’t look like she’s stopped taking the substance since she’s been signed up to compete in men’s singles.

3. Beloved children’s character Winnie-the-Pooh, who turns 90 this year, is set to return in a new adventure book where he will meet Queen Elizabeth, who also tuned 90 this year. Here’s a picture from the book:
Queen Pooh

4. A Indian man obsessed with setting Guinness world records got 366 flags tattooed on his body and had all his teeth removed so he could fit 500 straws and 50 burning candles into his mouth. The record the man set, least employable person in the world.

5. Republican Senator Orrin Hatch wrote an opinion piece published Thursday saying his meeting with Merrick Garland failed to change his view that the Senate should confirm the Supreme Court nominee, but, the scheduled meeting between Hatch and Garland hasn’t even taken place yet. But that’s okay, people don’t need to meet each other to form opinions. For instance, I’ve never met Orinn Hatch, but I’m 100% certain he’s a fucking moron who’s terrible at his job.

6. Louisiana Governor John Bel Edwards is set to sign legislation that will increase protections for police officers known as the “Blue Lives Matter” bill. Which is great news for police and terrible news for Gargamel.

7. According to a new study, women find men who have the ability to tell an engaging story more attractive. Yet, when my girlfriend catches me ‘telling a story,’ I have to sleep on the couch.

8. On Wednesday, a 6-month-old girl in Florida became the world’s youngest water skier. Or, as sharks thought of her, veal.

9. According to a new study, having more sex can increase the size of a man’s penis. So I guess Wilt wasn’t always The Stilt.

10. New England Patriots tight-end Rob Gronkowski said he may become a professional wrestler after he retires from football. If so, his signature move will be the empty-head lock.

11. Google announced Wednesday that it will launch a new technology development center in Detroit this year that will solely focus on self-driving cars. The only problem is, no matter the programmed destination, the self-driving cars always instinctively drive out of Detroit.

12. A fight between boxer Floyd Mayweather and UFC champion Connor McGregor has reportedly been scheduled for September 17th. So, if you want to see a fight between a black guy and Irish guy before that, you’ll just have to go literally anywhere in Boston.

13. Actress Amber Heard has filed for divorce after only one year of marriage to actor Johnny Depp. Heard filed for divorce citing irreconcilable scarves.

14. It was just announced that Hollywood is making a movie based on the video game Tetris. Upon hearing the news, all these blocks: tetris 1became so excited they turned into these blocks: tetris 2

15. The San Francisco Parks Department is testing out a new program in which city residents can go online to reserve patches of grass in Dolores park on sunny days. Which means now you won’t know if that homeless guy using the San Francisco public library’s computer is reserving a spot at the park or masturbating. Hint, he’s masturbating.

16. Over the weekend, Kate Middleton took the helm of one of Great Britain’s high-speed yachts that will compete in the upcoming America’s Cup during a practice session. Because what could go wrong with a young, British princess racing around at an extremely high speed?

17. South Korea claims to have invented the world’s first hangover curing ice cream. Of course, if you eat enough of it, you’ll have a new hangover problem, your stomach hanging over your belt:
belly

18. In a new song, rapper Kanye West calls his wife Kim Kardashian the female O.J. And it may be a good comparison, because people regret marrying her too.

19. A Seattle based company announced the launch of a hi-tech toothbrush that lets users stream video from inside their mouths. It retails for $399 in the U.S. and doesn’t in England.

20. A San Francisco-based company has won a U.S. government-sponsored competition by inventing alcohol monitoring devices that can be worn on the wrist. Which explains why Billy Joel always thinks the time is 0.141%.

May 26, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. While campaigning yesterday in Santa Fe on behalf of his wife, Bill Clinton argued for a half hour with a 24-year-old Bernie Sanders supporter. It wasn’t on the issues, he was just trying to get her number.

2. During a Hillary Clinton rally in California, two male supporters in the front row took off their shirts, prompting the Democratic candidate to say it was okay “as long as they don’t take anything else off.” So, no matter what you think of Hillary, you can’t say she doesn’t have the necessary experience to deal with Putin.

3. Actor Shia LaBeouf has been tweeting his GPS coordinates for the past week with the hope that motorists will pick him up and he’ll be able to hitchhike across the country. That story again, Shia LaBeouf has been standing in the same exact spot for the past seven days.

4. On Tuesday, presumptive Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump called Democratic Senator Elizabeth Warren ‘Pocahontas,’ a reference to how her native American heritage became a divisive campaign issue. Which means, between the two of them, at least one knows how to run a successful casino.

5. According to a new survey, Americans are fatter than ever. It’s so bad that many people got winded trying to fill out the survey.

6. According to sources, Mawlawi Haibatullah Akhundzada, the man appointed as the new leader of the Taliban on Wednesday, was not the obvious choice coming into the election. In fact, Akhundzada won a surprising victory after beating out the early odds-on favorite, Jeb Bush.

7. A group of white supremacists have named Taylor Swift their “Aryan Goddess.” Said Kayne West, “Yo, Taylor, I’m really happy for you, I’ma let you finish, but Beyoncé had …”

8. In a recent interview, Democratic presidential hopeful Bernie Sanders said, “Democracy is messy, everyday my life is messy.” But, I think that has less to do with democracy and more to do with the horse heads Hillary keeps putting in his bed.

9. An article on Chinese state media called Taiwan’s new female leader Tsai Ing-wen an extremist because she is unmarried. As opposed to Melania who is considered an extremist because of who she married.

10. A man in the U.K., who was left paralyzed from the waist down after a battle with cancer, used a $130,000 bionic suit to walk his daughter down the aisle on her wedding day. But, the moment was bittersweet, since the groom was Oscar Pistorius.

May 25, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to a new study, letting your baby ‘cry it out’ instead of interfering is an effective sleep training method that does not cause stress or lasting emotional problems for the baby. The study was apparently conducted on every flight I have ever been on.

2. This week President Obama signed a bill removing all “Orientals” and “Negros” from federal laws. A bill Donald Trump was in favor of until he read the ‘from federal laws’ part at the end.

3. Online retailer Amazon has purchased a Seattle hotel and is converting it into a homeless shelter. Or, as the people who were already staying at that Days Inn thought of it, an upgrade.

4. A 31-year-old man in England who was balding claims he saw a 75% increase in Tinder matches after having a hair transplant. “Any word on whether that holds true for Grindr?” said John Travolta.

5. Yesterday, Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders requested a recount in the closely contested Kentucky primary he lost to Hillary Clinton last week. “You mean, I have to do this all over again?” said the one guy in Kentucky who can count.

6. Kentucky Derby winner Nyquist will miss next month’s Belmont Stakes because of a high white cell count, his trainers said on Tuesday. Which is probably for the best, because if Nyquist had lost that race all his cells would be white:
glue

7. On Monday, Minnesota Governor Mark Dayton declared May 23rd Beyonce Day in the state. News flash Minnesota, everyday is Beyonce day. Now bow down!!!!!!

8. A poet in Myanmar who wrote in October that he had a tattoo of the country’s president on his penis was found guilty on Tuesday of defamation and sentenced to a six-month jail term. Even worse, I’m pretty sure he plagiarized Maya Angelou.

9. Veterans Affairs Secretary Bob McDonald recently compared the “experience” of waiting for health care at a VA hospital to Disneyland guests waiting in line for a ride. “The VA lines are far worse, in fact, if they were shorter, I’d probably go by a different name,” said Captain Hook.

10. On Tuesday, Buffalo Bills General Manager Doug Whaley said football is such a violent game that he doesn’t “think humans are supposed to play.” Although, if spent all day watching the Bills, you’d probably question whether humans were supposed to play football as well.

May 24, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. The San Diego Padres apologized to the San Diego Gay Men’s Chorus on Sunday after a recording of the national anthem played over the loud speaker as they tried to sing the song before a game. Although, I’m guessing an all-men’s chorus who felt the need to put the word ‘gay’ in their title is cool with needless redundancies.

2. In an attempt to unify, the Democratic Party said on Monday it would give 79-year-old presidential contender Bernie Sanders a prominent say in writing its platform this year. But that’s only because the party can’t afford Hillary’s speaking fee.

3. Vietnamese low-cost airline VietJet, best known for having bikini-clad flight attendants, just placed a $11 billion dollar order with Boeing. Unsurprisingly, they paid in all singles.

4. According to newly filed court documents, actor David Hasselhoff is claiming that he is broke, with only $4,000 to his name. Look, if that’s the case, I’m willing to chip in a few bucks to buy him a shirt:
hasselhoff

5. In an attempt to unify, the Democratic Party said on Monday it would give 79-year-old presidential contender Bernie Sanders a prominent say in writing its platform this year. Which explains the party’s new slogan, no great-grandchild left behind.

6. This week in New Mexico, a group of thieves stole the off-road wheelchair of a handicapped man. “So I’ll just take the day off,” said the group’s getaway driver.

7. A 12-year-old Indian-American boy, who already has three college degrees, is aiming to become a doctor by the time he turns 18. This according to a news article my mom has sent me every week for the past twelve weeks.

8. On Friday, Vice President Joe Biden started a speech at an Ohio ice cream factory by saying “My name is Joe Biden and I like ice cream.” So maybe he’s just had brain freeze everyday for the past eight years.

9. A new app and special tampon have been developed called my.Flow which tell users how saturated the tampon is and when it’s time to change. With this app, more than any other, you really don’t want a security leak.

10. The much anticipated duet between Christina Aguilera and a hologram of the late Whitney Houston that was scheduled to happen on ‘The Voice’ has been cancelled. Apparently, hologram Whitney objected to Christina getting a bigger dressing room.

May 23, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Friday, Vice President Joe Biden started a speech at an Ohio ice cream factory by saying “My name is Joe Biden and I like ice cream.” But, to be fair, that how he starts every speech.

2. Google recently received a patent for a special glue-like coating to be used on self-driving cars that could help prevent pedestrian injuries by making the stick to the car if they’re hit. And, as an added bonus, if you hit enough people you’ll be able to use the HOV lane.

3. A T.G.I.Friday’s in Las Vegas accidentally served an alcoholic root beer to an eight-year-old boy. Said the server, “It’s not my fault, he told me he was this many.”

4. A five-year-old girl in Denver was suspended last week after bringing a bubble gun to school. The NRA says best way to defend against that in the future is to arm all the teachers with bubble guns.

5. Last week, in Michigan, a man was arrested carrying a gun, marijuana and a box of live squirrels. Which is a shame, because I really wanted to see what the next part of that plan was.

6. The International Olympic Committee said they will distributed 450,000 free condoms to the athlete during the upcoming Rio Olympics. The condoms will be split evenly amongst the athletes, 50,000 for the swimmers, 50,000 for the runners, and 0 for the NBA players.

7. The Chinese government has issued a statement strongly dismissing reports it is packaging human meat as corned beef and sending it to African grocery stores. Although it is suspicious that the infamous Oscar Meyer jingle has been changed to “My bologna has a first name, it’s Zhang Wei.”

8. In a new song, rapper Kanye West calls his wife Kim Kardashian the female O.J. I don’t know about that, but Rob Kardashian is definitely Kato.

9. Over the weekend, a solar airplane that is attempting to circumnavigate the globe took off from Oklahoma. And, even if the plane doesn’t make it all the way around the world, just getting out of Oklahoma is something to celebrate.

10. On Sunday, 87-year-old Jane Little, who played in the Atlanta Symphony Orchestra for a Guinness World Record 71 years, collapsed and died on stage while playing an encore. Cellist Yo-Yo Ma said she was “an amazing musician,” Kenny G said, “she died doing what she loved,” and Nickelback said, “What’s an encore?”

10 Best Jokes of the Week (as decided by me, I don’t care about your opinion)

1. In an effort to reach younger voters, British Prime Minister David Cameron has joined Tinder. Cameron has also joined AirBnB to find a new place to sleep after his wife found out that he joined Tinder.

2. Donald Trump on Wednesday unveiled a list of 11 judges he would consider nominating to fill the seat of late Justice Antonin Scalia on the Supreme Court. Trump noted that this was only a preliminary list and a lot would depend on how the candidates did in the swimsuit competition.

3. The Belgian city of Bruges is building a pipeline that will run under the city that will only transport beer. But, until construction is finished, Coors Light is still your best bet to drink a beer that tastes like its been in a sewer underneath a city.

4. In a recent interview, former presidential candidate Ben Carson said that Sarah Palin, Ted Cruz, John Kasich and Marco Rubio are on Donald Trump’s shortlist for Vice Presidential running-mates. Although, it should be noted that it’s only a shortlist because Trump’s tiny little hands got tired after writing four names.

5. According to the new jobs report, America has a near record 5.8 million current job openings. “I’ll do them,” said Steve Harvey.

6. Paul McCartney, the Rolling Stones, Neil Young and Bob Dylan will all be part of a concert tour later this year in California called ‘Desert Trip.’ They chose that name, presumably, because ‘Antiques Roadshow’ was already taken.

7. Susannah Mushatt Jones, the world’s oldest person, died on Friday at the age of 116. There was no need to cremate her because she was already 80% dust.

8. Last week, Pizza Hut set a new world record for highest altitude pizza delivery after dropping off a pie at 5,897 feet on the top of Mount Kilimanjaro. And no one was more relived when Pizza Hut said they would deliver to the top of Mount Kilimanjaro than Luke, the climber the rest of the group decided looked the most delicious.

9. A man in New York’s Times Square who gives away free hugs was arrested over the weekend for punching a man in the face. He punched him instead of hugging him, or, as Chris Brown thinks of it, “What’s the difference?”

10. Last week, a woman drove her car into a lake because she was following the directions provided by her GPS. But, in the GPS’s defense, she did ask for directions to Chappaquiddick.

May 20, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Former Republican Senator from Utah Bob Bennett on his deathbed reportedly apologized to Muslims for Donald Trump. Said Muslims, “We would have preferred the apology from Trump on his deathbed.”

2. According to a new report, Donald Trump wanted the theme of one of his season’s of “the Apprentice” to be whites vs. blacks. Which, if you think about it, is a very clever way to keep Mexicans off his show.

3. According to a new study, the average person spends 117 days of their life having sex. Which means Paris Hilton is gonna die very young.

4. This week, a couple in Montreal got married in front of 1,100 guests, all of whom were cats. Even more disturbing, the groom had slept with a couple of the bridesmaids.

5. South Korean author Han Kang won the Man Booker International Prize for fiction on Monday for her novel “The Vegetarian”, a surreal story about a woman who gives up eating meat and seeks to become a tree. “Well, it’s better than being a bush right now,” said Jeb.

6. This week, 90-year-old, former Miss New Mexico Betha Young finally received her crown for winning the state beauty pageant 58 years ago. Young didn’t receive the crown at the time of the pageant because Steve Harvey was the host.

7. According to a new survey, 72% of New Jersey voters oppose Chris Christie as a potential running mate for Donald Trump. While the remaining 28% are Chris Christie, he’s fat.

8. New York Mets pitcher Bartolo Colon is being sued for child support. Not surprising for a professional athlete who always looks pregnant:
colon

9. A mother in Florida posted a picture on Facebook in which she claimed to see the face of Jesus in her baby’s dirty diaper. Although I don’t remember Jesus having corn stuck to his forehead.

10. A Polish non-profit organization is hoping to help the blind and visually impaired with plans to make and give away what it says will be the world’s first free smart glasses. So hopefully one day soon the visually impaired will be able to observe the beautiful landscape that is Poland.

11. On Friday, drugmaker Pfizer said it has taken steps to ensure that none of its products are used in lethal injections. Which is impossible because after Hugh Hefner uses a Viagra, the woman he was with always wants to kill herself.

12. South Africa gave the green light on Friday for class action suits seeking damages from gold companies for up to half a million miners who contracted the fatal lung diseases silicosis and tuberculosis. And they may have a case because now all the dwarves are dopey.

13. In a recent interview, Ivanka Trump said her father Donald has “elevated” political dialogue. Which is true, because before Trump the best we could do as a nation was just guess at how big a dick a candidate had.

14. It was reported last week that President Obama is following several porn stars on Twitter. Michelle said, “It’s harmless, Barack is just tweeting at them, reminding them to eat healthy by using the eggplant emoji.”

15. Scientists in Australia have observed what seems to be the first occurrence of lesbian sex amongst gorillas. “See, it’s natural,” said one scientist to his wife

16. Over the weekend, 96-year-old Alfonso Gonzales became the oldest ever graduate of the University of Southern California. So good luck collecting on those student loans.

17. Over the weekend, 96-year-old Alfonso Gonzales became the oldest ever graduate of the University of Southern California. He majored in ancient Greek history, luckily, he kept a running diary.

18. A prisoner in Ireland swallowed a cellphone that became lodged in his stomach and had to be removed by surgery. “No gag reflex, good to know,” said his cellmate.

19. Disney may replace cuddly theme park characters with robots that mimic human movements. I don’t understand, why would they add Mitt Romney to the Hall of Presidents?

20. A journalist took crystal meth for a story and ended up masturbating for over 16 hours. So he either got his hands on some really good drugs or some really bad porn.

May 19, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. In an effort to reach younger voters, British Prime Minister David Cameron has joined Tinder. Cameron has also joined AirBnB to find a new place to sleep after his wife found out that he joined Tinder.

2. According to research, Donald Trump does better in online polls than in telephone polls. Because it’s still embarrassing to admit you support presumptive Republican nominee and, as Trump himself will tell you, it’s hard to pretend to be someone else on the phone.

3. San Diego International Airport has hired clowns to entertain passengers stuck in extremely long TSA security lines. Although, having clowns work lines already manned by TSA agents seems redundant.

4. South Korean author Han Kang won the Man Booker International Prize for fiction on Monday for her novel “The Vegetarian”, a surreal story about a woman who gives up eating meat and seeks to become a tree. So, if you’re one of those people who hasn’t read a book in a while, you’re not missing much.

5. Donald Trump on Wednesday unveiled a list of 11 judges he would consider nominating to fill the seat of late Justice Antonin Scalia on the Supreme Court. Trump noted that this was only a preliminary list and a lot would depend on how the candidates did in the swimsuit competition.

6. A picture has gone viral of a toddler in India tied to a rock while her parents work. Or, as it’s more commonly known in those parts, daycare.

7. This week, Ben Carson said Sarah Palin and Ted Cruz are on Donald Trump’s shortlist for Vice Presidential running-mates. Man, there hasn’t been a list this depressing since Schindler’s.

8. Thomas Manning, a 64-year-old man who had his penis amputated after a penile cancer diagnosis in 2012, became the first in the United States to undergo a successful penis transplant. So, no matter which hand he uses, it will always feel like a different person.

9. In a recent interview, Posh Spice, Victoria Beckham, admitted that her microphone was turned off during most Spice Girls performances. Unfortunately, the other four mics still worked.

10. During the Republican Convention in Cleveland, an artist will photograph one hundred nude women to make a statement. That statement, women will do some crazy things if you tell them you’re an artist.