Monthly Archives: June 2014

June 30, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

Posted on by
Reply

1. Elizabeth Fechtel had to relinquish the Miss Florida crown she won on June 21 to “runner-up” Victoria Cowen after pageant officials determined there had been a tabulating mistake. “Sucks, don’t it?” said Al Gore.

2. Border patrol officials in Southern California are sending reinforcements to Texas to help deal with the surge of immigrants illegally crossing the border. “Now’s the time!” said Canada.

3. Last week, Amanda Longacre was stripped of her Miss Delaware title after pageant officials determined that she had violated the age requirement. But, on the plus-side, since you’re no longer Miss Delaware, you’re free to leave Delaware.

4. Actor Shia LeBeouf was arraigned on Friday on charges of disorderly conduct stemming from his disruptive behavior while attending a Broadway play. Which shouldn’t come as surprise because, as anyone who saw the last Indiana Jones movie can attest to, he doesn’t know how to act properly.

5. A Maryland woman who ordered a meal at a Sonic fast-food restaurant found a bag of marijuana in her French fries. But, since she made the conscious decision to go to Sonic, she was probably high to begin with.

6. A Maryland woman who ordered a meal at a Sonic fast-food restaurant found a bag of marijuana in her French fries. Even more surprising, a Taco Bell customer found actual beef in one of her tacos.

7. A California family is exasperated after a 64-year-old woman they hired as a live-in nanny stopped working and refused to move out of their home after being fired. Or, as Arnold Schwarzenegger thinks of it, a threesome.

8. A California family is exasperated after a 64-year-old woman they hired as a live-in nanny stopped working and refused to move out of their home after being fired. Said one British family, “You think that’s bad, one day, out of the blue, our nanny just up-and-left, flew away holding her umbrella.”

9. On Friday, “Family Guy” creator Seth MacFarlane pledged up to a million dollars to the Kickstarter campaign aimed at reviving the children’s program “Reading Rainbow.” Which can only mean one thing, last week the Simpsons donated one million dollars to “Reading Rainbow.”

10. California Governor Jerry Brown on Saturday signed into law a bill that clears away possible state-level obstacles to alternative currencies like bitcoin. Said Brown, “Hey, it’s California, everything’s fake anyway.”

10 Best Jokes of the Week (as decided by me, I don’t care about your opinion)

Posted on by
Reply

1. An anti-amnesty group is calling on Americans to mail their “gently used underwear” to President Barack Obama and House Speaker John Boehner in response to a government request for new briefs on illegal immigration. So apparently I’ve been protesting something that Megan Fox has been doing for the past six years.

2. On Thursday, despite losing 2-1 to Germany, the U.S. Men’s National Soccer Team advanced to the round of sixteen in the World Cup due to Portugal’s defeat of Ghana. Because, if there’s one thing Americans are good at, it’s outsourcing their jobs to other countries.

3. Yesterday, North Korea called the upcoming movie “The Interview,” in which James Franco and Seth Rogen attempt to assassinate Kim Jong Un, “an act of war.” But, to be fair, that’s the same review they gave “the Green Hornet.”

4. On Friday, pop superstar Katy Perry said she would write Hillary Clinton’s campaign theme song if she decides to run for president in 2016. “I Kissed a Girl, I Kissed a Girl,” whispered a hopeful Bill Clinton.

5. On Monday, the World Health Organization said it has found evidence of the polio virus in sewage samples collected from Sao Paulo, Brazil, near one the World Cup soccer sites. And wouldn’t it be the ultimate irony to travel all the way to Brazil to watch a sport where the athletes are only allowed to use their legs, just to contract polio.

6. An official in eastern China has been fired after a picture of him being given a piggyback across a flooded path during a search for a missing child went viral online. The official was let go due to public outrage not because the picture made him look entitled, but because the search was for a missing girl.

7. Last week, a Virginia woman graduated high school at the age of 111. That’s inspiring, but, word of advice, don’t put her in charge of the ten year reunion.

8. Last week, a bus driver in New Mexico was caught on camera receiving oral sex on the bus. But, I bet next time the passenger will remember to bring correct change.

9. Former New England Patriot Aaron Hernandez was transported from jail to a nearby hospital this weekend for an undisclosed reason. Said a hospital worker, “It was nice to finally put a face to the name after reading so much about him, mostly in other patients’ charts.”

10. On Friday, Florida Governor Rick Scott signed a law allowing citizens to brandish weapons and fire warning shots to ward off attackers. “Where is this Utopia you call Florida?” said Oscar Pistorius.

June 27, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

Posted on by
Reply

1. An 11-day search for a missing Michigan boy came to a bizarre conclusion Wednesday when he was discovered alive and well, hidden in the basement of his father’s Detroit home. “That’s bad parenting, I always knew when there was a boy in my basement,” said Jerry Sandusky.

2. An anti-amnesty group is calling on Americans to mail their “gently used underwear” to President Barack Obama and House Speaker John Boehner in response to a government request for new briefs on illegal immigration. “How do I get in on this?” said Bill Clinton.

3. An anti-amnesty group is calling on Americans to mail their “gently used underwear” to President Barack Obama and House Speaker John Boehner in response to a government request for new briefs on illegal immigration. So apparently I’ve been protesting something that Megan Fox has been doing for the past six years.

4. On Thursday, despite losing 2-1 to Germany, the U.S. Men’s National Soccer Team advanced to the round of sixteen in the World Cup due to Portugal’s defeat of Ghana. Because, if there’s one thing Americans are good at, it’s outsourcing their jobs to other countries.

5. The Supreme Court handed a victory to anti-abortion activists on Thursday by making it harder for states to enact laws aimed at protecting patients entering abortion clinics from protestors. Said the Supreme Court, “Oh, now you’re concerned with protection.”

6. According to reports, Jacksonville taxpayers will spend $1.25 million for Wi-Fi service at Altell stadium, as the Jaguars make improvements to their home field. Which seems fair, because without it, fans would be forced to watch the Jaguars.

7. A Swiss zoo has come under fire for killing a healthy bear cub before stuffing it and putting it on display. Said one zoo patron, “If I wanted to see a cub eliminated before the beginning of summer, I’d catch a ballgame in Chicago.”

8. Boston’s Museum of Fine Arts has returned eight pieces of ancient African art to Nigeria after discovering they were likely looted from the West African nation. But, to be fair, those artifacts always looked weird next to Tom Brady’s cup.

9. Earlier this week, a New York City man walked into a McDonalds with a knife in his back. Despite the knife, he was still the healthiest person in that McDonalds.

10. A sheriff’s deputy in Seattle was arrested and charged last week with drug dealing, stealing from his department and acting as his wife’s pimp. And, now that he’s in jail, he’ll get to see what that whole pimp-ho relationship is like from the other side.

11. On Monday, LeBron James told the Miami Heat that he will exercise an early termination clause in his contract and become an unrestricted free agent this summer. So now NBA fans patiently wait to find out which new team they will hate.

12. On Friday, pop superstar Katy Perry said she would write Hillary Clinton’s campaign theme song if she decides to run for president in 2016. “Okay, now she’s got my vote,” said Bill Clinton.

13. President Obama on Monday directed the federal government to give workers more leeway in determining their schedules. “Spring Break!” shouted Biden.

14. In Texas, a daycare center is being accused of duct-taping children to their mats during naptime. Said the Octomom, “Do I un-duct-tape them from their beds first?”

15. On Friday, Florida Governor Rick Scott signed a law allowing citizens to brandish weapons and fire warning shots to ward off attackers. So congratulations to Florida on its march towards legalizing murder.

16. According to a new study, women who become pregnant again within 18 months after having a baby are more likely to deliver early. This according to a pamphlet I read at Poorly Planned Parenthood.

June 26, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

Posted on by
Reply

1. Yesterday, North Korea called the upcoming movie “The Interview,” in which James Franco and Seth Rogen attempt to assassinate Kim Jong Un, “an act of war.” But, to be fair, that’s the same review they gave “the Green Hornet.”

2. Earlier this week, actor Gary Oldman defended actors Mel Gibson and Alec Baldwin in an interview with Playboy saying who hasn’t used the n-word or called some a “fucking Jew.” And, if you think that’s disturbing, you should see his centerfold.

3. Earlier this week, actor Gary Oldman defended actors Mel Gibson and Alec Baldwin in an interview with Playboy saying who hasn’t said the n-word or called some a “fucking Jew.” If only there were something in that magazine to distract readers from those controversial comments.

4. Luis Suarez’s lawyer flew to Rio de Janeiro yesterday to present his defense after the Uruguay soccer player was accused of biting an opponent during a match. Suarez is expected to plead “Not Hungry.”

5. Luis Suarez, the Uruguay soccer star who bit an opponent during a match, could face a two-year suspension from FIFA. “That’s nothing, once this World Cup is over, we’re not gonna pay attention to soccer for the next four years,” said Americans.

6. Yesterday a boat crashed in New York City because its captain was having a threesome. The captain survived the wreck, but ultimately died from injured sustained from high fiving the entire Coast Guard.

7. Arizona’s Governor Jan Brewer said on Wednesday that as a mother it broke her heart to see the plight of illegal immigrant children, and that she blamed the federal government for failing to send a message that the U.S. border was closed. But I think the fact that the kids were forced to hire a coyote, jam into the back of a truck with 50 other immigrants and crawl over barbwire, all under the cloak of night, heavily implied it.

8. On Wednesday, the Supreme Court ruled that police officers need a warrant to search the cellphone of arrested suspects. “A little late fellas,” said Anthony Weiner.

9. Yesterday, “Today” show host Matt Lauer sat down for a one-on-one interview with Pippa Middleton, her first ever national television interview. The pairing makes sense, as one is the most recognizable ass in the country and the other is Pippa Middleton.

10. The discovery of the oldest known human poop this week is offering valuable scientific insight into the life of Neanderthals who lived in Spain over 50,000 years ago. For instance, they ate corn.

June 25, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

Posted on by
Reply

1. A 14-year-old boy in France faked his own kidnapping to get out of a trip to the dentist. If charges are brought, the boy is expected to seek asylum in the UK.

2. On Monday, President Obama said he wants his daughters to work minimum wage jobs because “it builds character.” And, if Hillary Clinton’s claims about being broke when she left the White House are true, they’re gonna have to.

3. Finnair has opened a 1300-square foot sauna in its new premium lounge in the Helsinki Airport. Said a representative for Southwest, “If passengers are interested in small, un-air-conditioned spaces full of sweaty strangers, have I got good news for them.”

4. On Friday, pop superstar Katy Perry said she would write Hillary Clinton’s campaign theme song if she decides to run for president in 2016. While, no matter the candidate, the Republican Party has settled on Ludacris’s “Move Bitch, Get Out Da Way.”

5. A picture of President Obama reaching over the sneeze-guard at a Chipotle restaurant while an employee was making his burrito has gone viral. Proving no matter how tall, people will find a way over any American-Mexican wall.

6. On Tuesday, President Obama welcomed the 2013 Presidents Cup golf team, which included Tiger Woods and Phil Mickelson, to the White House. Said Woods, “I was told Michelle would be here.”

7. Former NFL star Aaron Hernandez’s double murder trial was scheduled yesterday for May 2015. Said Hernandez, “I’m excited to have my day in court, but with the trial date so far away, I’m nervous about my ability to go a whole year without murdering anyone.”

8. A Minnesota man came home to find his house unlocked, cash and other items missing and the accused burglar’s Facebook profile open on his computer. Even worse, the thief checked-in on FourSquare and changed his status to, “Robbing some dude’s house ;)”

9. This week Queen Elizabeth visited the set of the HBO series “Game of Thrones.” Unfortunately, the crew had to scrap the whole day of shooting after the Queen sat in the Iron Throne and then refused to abdicate.

10. According to a new study, combining digital mammography with 3-D technology may improve doctors’ ability to identify breast cancer and decrease the need for additional testing. So don’t be surprised to hear you doctor say, “Go into that exam room, undress, and put on these 3-D glasses.”

June 24, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

Posted on by
Reply

1. On Friday, pop superstar Katy Perry said she would write Hillary Clinton’s campaign theme song if she decides to run for president in 2016. “I Kissed a Girl, I Kissed a Girl,” whispered a hopeful Bill Clinton.

2. On Monday, first Lady Michelle Obama said she will not go into politics after leaving the White House. Although, you have to admit, it would have been great to see another Obama ruin Hillary’s plans.

3. On Monday, the World Health Organization said it has found evidence of the polio virus in sewage samples collected from Sao Paulo, Brazil, near one the World Cup soccer sites. And wouldn’t it be the ultimate irony to travel all the way to Brazil to watch a sport where the athletes are only allowed to use their legs, just to contract polio.

4. An official in eastern China has been fired after a picture of him being given a piggyback across a flooded path during a search for a missing child went viral online. The official was let go due to public outrage not because the picture made him look entitled, but because the search was for a missing girl.

5. Jill Duggar, the 23-year-old daughter of Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar, the stars of TLC’s “19 Kids and Counting,” got married on Saturday. Jill said she waited until she was 23 to get married because that was when she finally met a boy she wasn’t related to.

6. Yesterday, Vice President Joe Biden called himself “the poorest guy in Congress.” Said President Obama, “I don’t care, I’m not raising your allowance.”

7. On Monday, FOX announced that “American Idol” judges Jennifer Lopez, Keith Urban and Harry Connick Jr. will all return for the show’s upcoming 14th season. Which means in just two short years the show will be old enough to date JLo.

8. A group that sets the policy for organ transplants voted on Monday to adopt a permanent rule to allow some children access to adult lungs. So, smoke-up, kids.

9. On Friday, Florida Governor Rick Scott signed a law allowing citizens to brandish weapons and fire warning shots to ward off attackers. Or, as it is known in Florida, saying hello.

10. Pope Francis warned on Friday against the legalization of recreational drug use. Just so we’re clear Pope, if a couple of guys show up on my doorstep with some frankincense and myrrh, I should turn them away?

June 23, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

Posted on by
Reply

1. Last week, a Virginia woman graduated high school at the age of 111. That’s inspiring, but, word of advice, don’t put her in charge of the ten year reunion.

2. The University of South Florida plans to offer remote-controlled drones for students to check out from the library for school-related projects. Said USF students, “We have a library?”

3. Last week, a bus driver in New Mexico was caught on camera receiving oral sex on the bus. But, I bet next time the passenger will remember to bring correct change.

4. Former New England Patriot Aaron Hernandez was transported from jail to a nearby hospital this weekend for an undisclosed reason. Said a hospital worker, “It was nice to finally put a face to the name after reading so much about him, mostly in other patients’ charts.”

5. On Friday, Florida Governor Rick Scott signed a law allowing citizens to brandish weapons and fire warning shots to ward off attackers. “Where is this Utopia you call Florida?” said Oscar Pistorius.

6. Last week, the Smithsonian unveiled a statue of President Obama that is so detailed that you can see his pores and wrinkles. Said the President, “What’s the museum’s loan policy, because I’ve got a few meetings with Mitch McConnell coming up that I’m not looking forward to.”

7. A Florida woman is facing charges after she intentionally branded her kids with a hot stick in order to know they were hers. Not a surprise that she felt like she had to brand her kids as, I’m guessing, they were always trying to escape from their horrible mother.

8. Over the weekend, the World Cup soccer match in Brazil between the U.S. and Portugal reached temperatures as high as 100 degrees. It was so hot, that LeBron James was cramping up all the way over here.

9. According to a new study, women who become pregnant again within 18 months after having a baby are more likely to deliver early. I guess impatience runs in the family.

10. A Texas teenager is facing a possible 99-year prison sentence for allegedly baking and selling pot brownies. And, in a related story, Snoop Dogg has been given the electric chair.

10 Best Jokes of the Week (as decided by me, I don’t care about your opinion)

Posted on by
Reply

1. In an interview on Wednesday, Texas Governor Rick Perry stood by his recent comments in which he compared homosexuality to alcoholism. Perry further explained the similarities between the two by saying, “They are both things I experimented with while in college and both resulted in my liver taking a pounding.”

2. In a lengthy profile by the National Journal, former Montana Governor Brian Schweitzer compared fellow Democrat Senator Dianne Feinstein to a prostitute. Which doesn’t say much for the caliber of prostitutes in the state of Montana.

3. Yesterday, former “Jersey Shore” star Mike “the Situation” Sorrentino was charged with simple assault after taking part in a fight with his brother at a tanning salon they co-own together. Unfortunately, there were survivors.

4. Eccentric Chinese tycoon Chen Guangbiao took out a full-page bilingual ad in the New York Times on Monday, inviting poor Americans to a charity lunch and offering cash handouts. Said Americans, “The money’s nice, but you had us at ‘lunch.’”

5. Last weekend, the second annual smallest penis pageant took place in Brooklyn, New York. Although it seems like it would have made more sense to hold it in Chinatown.

6. Sunday night, the San Antonio Spurs beat the Miami Heat 104-87 to take home the NBA championship. The Spurs beat the Heat in not seven, not six, but five games.

7. Online payment company PayPal is entering ten new countries this week, including Nigeria. No word on how it plans on digitizing goats.

8. President Obama’s oldest daughter, Malia, was spotted working as a production assistant for a day on the set of a CBS tv show starring Halle Berry. Said President Obama, “Remember all those ‘take you daughter to work days?’ Time to repay the favor, Malia.”

9. A New Orleans woman had an unorthodox funeral over the weekend in which her body was seated at a table for a two day service, with a menthol cigarette in hand, disco balls overhead, a can of Busch beer in front of her and a bottle of Jack Daniels within reach. That story again, a New Orleans woman died and no one noticed for two days.

10. Richard Grayson, an openly gay, former college professor who lives in Arizona said on Friday he is running as the Democratic candidate for the lone House of Representatives seat in Wyoming to protest the absence of other Democrats seeking the office in the conservative state. So far, Grayson has been polling well with Wyoming’s gay population, or as that demographic is more commonly known in the state, Richard Grayson.

June 20, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

Posted on by
Reply

1. In an interview on Wednesday, Texas Governor Rick Perry stood by his recent comments in which he compared homosexuality to alcoholism. Perry further explained the similarities between the two by saying, “They are both things I experimented with while in college and both resulted in my liver taking a pounding.”

2. On Thursday, internet company Netflix announced that it had inked a deal with comedian Chelsea Handler for a talk show that will begin streaming in 2016. The new show will be perfect for people who loved Handler’s E! talk show, but always wished it was choppier, needed to buffer and was harder to find.

3. In a lengthy profile by the National Journal, former Montana Governor Brian Schweitzer compared fellow Democrat Senator Dianne Feinstein to a prostitute. Which doesn’t say much for the caliber of prostitutes in the state of Montana.

4. According to a new poll, Americans overwhelmingly oppose U.S. intervention in Iraq. Said the federal government, “That’s never stopped us before.”

5. According to a new poll, Americans overwhelmingly oppose U.S. intervention in Iraq. But that’s only because they don’t know how to send troops to a place they can’t find on a map.

6. An apartment complex is testing the DNA of dog feces and charging owners who don’t pick up after their pets. Which is why I have started feeding my dog other dog’s shit.

7. A transgender rights advocacy group says the South Carolina DMV restricted a teen’s free speech rights by asking him to remove his makeup for his driver’s license photo. Said the young man, “I really need that driver’s license so I can get the hell out of South Carolina.”

8. Yesterday, a new messaging app only capable of sending and receiving the word “yo” raised $1 million dollars from investors. “Oy,” said everyone else.

9. On Wednesday, hundreds of Chilean soccer fans broke down a wall inside Brazil’s World Cup soccer stadium to gain entry to their country’s match against Spain. Which is weird, because you’d think, considering recent history, the Chilean people would be the fan base most careful to not do anything to negatively impact structural integrity of the spaces they are in.

10. On Thursday, Harley-Davidson unveiled its first electric motorcycle. The chopper is being marketed to women as they tend to be more environmentally-conscious and more familiar with putting vibrating, electric machinery between their legs.

11. The FBI said yesterday that they were able to capture Ahmed Abu Khatallah, the alleged mastermind behind the Benghazi attacks, by setting a trap and luring him to a villa in South Libya. Proving that not even internationally wanted terrorists can resist the appeal of a free snuggie.

12. President Obama spoke on Thursday with Mexican President Enrique Pena Hieto about a strategy to deal with a flood of children coming from Central America. Said the Pena Hieto, “Tell me about this wall again.”

13. The University of Alaska is leading a state-funded program to put free pregnancy tests in the bathrooms of twenty bars across the state starting this December. “Where were you six years ago?” said Bristol Palin.

14. Biomedical research backed by the U.S. National Institute of Health must use both male and female lab animals under a bill introduced in Congress on Tuesday aimed at stamping out a bias toward males in studies not involving human subjects. Said one male rabbit, “Hopefully this means I won’t mistakenly hit on Frank again after another one of those makeup tests.”

15. A British Guiana one-cent magenta postage stamp from 1856 sold for a record $9.5 million at Sotheby’s on Tuesday. Which begs the question, why is the Post Office always in debt?

16. On Monday, the White House announced that President Obama will sign an executive order barring federal contractors from discriminating on the basis of sexual orientation or gender identity. So get ready to see Harry Reid let his freak flag fly.

17. The Supreme Court handed a victory to gun control advocates on Monday by upholding the conviction of a Virginia man who lied when he stated he was buying a handgun for himself when it was actually for a relative. The man unsuccessfully attempted to argue that the gun was really for him, but since his mother-in-law was coming to visit, the bullets were for a relative.

18. A professional singer said on Monday she sang through a throat surgery carried out under hypnosis in France to ensure that doctors did not harm her vocal chords. Which raises two questions: Who is Kei$ha’s doctor and how much extra would I have to pay for him to harm her vocal chords?

June 19, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

Posted on by
Reply

1. According to a new survey, 1 out of 5 women get more excited about shoes than sex. That story again, 4 out of 5 women are liars.

2. On Wednesday, Japan’s upper house of parliament passed a bill making the possession of child pornography a punishable offense. So if you thought it was hard telling the different between Japanese and other Asian businessmen before.

3. Yesterday, former “Jersey Shore” star Mike “the Situation” Sorrentino was charged with simple assault after taking part in a fight with his brother at a tanning salon they co-own together. Unfortunately, there were survivors.

4. A transgender rights advocacy group says the South Carolina DMV restricted a teen’s free speech rights by asking him to remove his makeup for his driver’s license photo. Said the young man, “This whole process has been a disappointment. First, the oral exam failed to live up to its title, and now this.”

5. Eccentric Chinese tycoon Chen Guangbiao took out a full-page bilingual ad in the New York Times on Monday, inviting poor Americans to a charity lunch and offering cash handouts. Said Americans, “The money’s nice, but you had us at ‘lunch.’”

6. On Wednesday, the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office canceled the Washington Redskins’ trademarks on the basis that they are “disparaging to Native Americans.” This is a big blow to billionaire team owner Daniel Snyder who is not used to losing, unless, of course, it’s a Sunday in the Fall.

7. Yesterday, the St. Petersburg Bowl, a college football bowl game played annually in December, announced that it had reached a sponsorship deal with Bitcoin. Bitcoin is the online, virtual currency that supporters are adamant about and swear is the wave of the future, but most view the advocates are delusional and believe the currency is overrated and completely worthless. As a result, the Bitcoin St. Petersburg Bowl has already extended an invitation to play in this year’s game to the Notre Dame Fighting Irish.

8. A Vatican spokesman denied reports on Wednesday that Pope Francis is ill, saying the curtailment of his summer schedule is common for popes. But I bet he’s just faking it so he can stay home and watch the World Cup.

9. In a recent interview, Mitt Romney said that Hillary Clinton’s political career has been a “monumental bust.” Said Hillary, “Thanks, but it’s a little premature to put me on Mount Rushmore already.”

10. Scientists are developing a “super banana” that is packed with more vitamins. That, or they’re just really happy to see you.