December 23, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. Hundreds of crazed Ryan Reynolds fans in South America pushed through a barricade to get to actor. That story again, apparently the movie ‘Green Lantern’ was never released in South America. 

2. Dozens of Indonesians took part in a shouting competition in the capital Jakarta last week. So hopefully all those long nights of practice paid off, couple who live in the apartment next to me. 

3. Police say a man crammed thirty bags of frozen shrimp down his pants in burglaries at multiple California grocery stores. Shouted the man as they put him in the police car, “Tell everyone that they were jumbo shrimp!” 

4. Last week it was announced that guitarist John Frusciante is rejoining the Red Hot Chili Peppers, a few years after he left the band. Turns out he wasn’t a great fit at his office job:

 5. In an apparent effort to escalate their feud, rapper Nick Cannon claimed last week that there is a video of Eminem ‘sucking a cock.’ Even more embarrassing, there are multiple videos of Nick Cannon sucking at rap.

6. According to a new study, athletes have healthier brains and, as a result, can hear better. “What did you say?” said every member of the Knicks.

7. Last week, Merriam-Webster’s dictionary named ‘they’ as their word of the year. Because apparently ‘Baby Yoda’ is two words.

8. Last week, Merriam-Webster’s dictionary named ‘they’ as their word of the year. Further proof that this year has really fucking sucked.

9. The Justice Department recently announced that it will review plans by Google to buy fitness tracker Fitbit. Said the DOJ to Google, “Are you really going to use it? Or is just gonna end up in a drawer somewhere?”

10. According to reports, President Trump is likely to nominate Hudson Institute CEO Kenneth Weinstein as his new ambassador to Japan. The ambassador said he is honored to have the position and will do his best not to ruin the good ‘Weinstein’ name.

11. Over the weekend, the U.S. golf team, led by Tiger Woods, won the Presidents Cup. Although anyone with $1.99 to spare, can get the same cup as the President:

12. On Tuesday, Joe Biden’s doc said the former Vice President is healthy enough to undertake the duties of the presidency. Actually, his exact words were, “Well if that guy can do it”:

13. President Trump on Tuesday issued a stark warning to congressional Democrats, saying that if they pursue impeachment against him they will be “declaring war on American democracy.” Said Nancy Pelosi:

14. Artist Simone Fugazzotto defended on Tuesday a widely criticized anti-racism campaign launched by Italy’s Serie A soccer league which features his paintings of apes. Said the artist, “What does ‘anti’ mean?”

15. A duck in the U.K. had to have its penis removed recently after it began attempting to mate with females up to ten times per day. And, just like that, I believe in reincarnation:

16. According to the Center for Disease Control, puppies purchased from pet stores have been linked to bacterial infection outbreak in over thirty states. “So, you’re welcome?” said Michael Vick.

17. Thousands of Liberian immigrants will be eligible to apply for green cards and eventual U.S. citizenship under the terms of a defense spending bill passed by the Senate on Tuesday. Or at least until President Trump realizes they are talking about African immigrants and not librarians.

18. During a rally theis past week, President Trump joked that former Congressman John Dingell, who died in February, might be in hell. “You don’t have to die to find yourself in hell,” said Melania.

October 13, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. After a nude picture of singer Justin Bieber made the rounds on the internet, Bieber’s dad tweeted that he’s ‘proud’ of his son’s member. Scary to think that Justin may be the most likable member of that family.

2. On Friday night, actor Shia LaBeouf was arrested in Texas for public intoxication. But, in the actor’s defense, he was reportedly doing research for his upcoming lead role in the yet untitled Shia LaBeouf bio-pic.

3. According to a new study, babies often suffer unnecessary pain in clinical studies. “But we’re gonna have to run a few more studies just to make sure,” said Dr. Casey Anthony.

4. Last week, disco funk group Kool & the Gang was awarded the 2,560th star on Hollywood’s famed Walk of Fame. Making that stretch of sidewalk on Hollywood Boulevard almost as crowded as the stage for a Republican presidential debate.

5. Retired golfer, Jay Haas, who captained Team USA to a Presidents Cup win over the International Team over the weekend, was speechless after his son Bill won the final and deciding match. “The word you’re looking for is ‘proud,’” said Justin Bieber’s dad.

6. A Boston-area man is offering to ship a box full of autumn foliage to your doorstep for $19.99. Or, for free, he won’t.

7. It was announced yesterday that Conan O’Brien will film an upcoming episode of his late night talk show in Armenia. O’Brien decided upon hosting a show in Armenia because it was the one job Jay Leno didn’t want.

8. On Sunday, the approximately 200-year-old Steinbach company, one of Germany’s largest producers of traditional wooden nutcrackers, filed for bankruptcy. But, on the plus-side, the now-out-of-work nutcracker employees are more than qualified to work on Hillary Clinton’s campaign.

9. On Sunday’s “Face the Nation,” presidential candidate Donald Trump said he has a concealed weapon permit and feels “much better being armed.” Which means we are only weeks away from being able to buy You’re Fired brand Trump guns.

10. Over the weekend, CNN announced the order of the candidates’ podiums that will be on stage for this week’s Democratic debate that will feature Hillary Clinton, Bernie Sanders and three other presidential hopefuls. The five stiff, wooden objects will line the stage and, also, there will be podiums.

June 25, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. A 14-year-old boy in France faked his own kidnapping to get out of a trip to the dentist. If charges are brought, the boy is expected to seek asylum in the UK.

2. On Monday, President Obama said he wants his daughters to work minimum wage jobs because “it builds character.” And, if Hillary Clinton’s claims about being broke when she left the White House are true, they’re gonna have to.

3. Finnair has opened a 1300-square foot sauna in its new premium lounge in the Helsinki Airport. Said a representative for Southwest, “If passengers are interested in small, un-air-conditioned spaces full of sweaty strangers, have I got good news for them.”

4. On Friday, pop superstar Katy Perry said she would write Hillary Clinton’s campaign theme song if she decides to run for president in 2016. While, no matter the candidate, the Republican Party has settled on Ludacris’s “Move Bitch, Get Out Da Way.”

5. A picture of President Obama reaching over the sneeze-guard at a Chipotle restaurant while an employee was making his burrito has gone viral. Proving no matter how tall, people will find a way over any American-Mexican wall.

6. On Tuesday, President Obama welcomed the 2013 Presidents Cup golf team, which included Tiger Woods and Phil Mickelson, to the White House. Said Woods, “I was told Michelle would be here.”

7. Former NFL star Aaron Hernandez’s double murder trial was scheduled yesterday for May 2015. Said Hernandez, “I’m excited to have my day in court, but with the trial date so far away, I’m nervous about my ability to go a whole year without murdering anyone.”

8. A Minnesota man came home to find his house unlocked, cash and other items missing and the accused burglar’s Facebook profile open on his computer. Even worse, the thief checked-in on FourSquare and changed his status to, “Robbing some dude’s house ;)”

9. This week Queen Elizabeth visited the set of the HBO series “Game of Thrones.” Unfortunately, the crew had to scrap the whole day of shooting after the Queen sat in the Iron Throne and then refused to abdicate.

10. According to a new study, combining digital mammography with 3-D technology may improve doctors’ ability to identify breast cancer and decrease the need for additional testing. So don’t be surprised to hear you doctor say, “Go into that exam room, undress, and put on these 3-D glasses.”

October 8, 2013 – Monologue Jokes

1. California’s Democratic governor vetoed a bill on Monday that would have allowed immigrants who are not citizens to serve on juries. I don’t want to tell anyone how to do their job, but I thought the point was to make not being a citizen less attractive, right?

2. In a wide-ranging interview published by New York magazine, Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia said he believes the devil exists and is a real person. Between this and his interpretation of the Constitution, it is now painfully obvious that Scalia will believe word-for-word anything he reads.

3. Yesterday, the Nielsen Company announced it will start tracking how many tweets a TV show gets. So congratulations to the most-loved and well-received show of 2013, “Sharknado.”

4. In a recent interview, singer Chris Brown said he lost his virginity at the age of 8. So I guess we have Brown’s uncle to blame for the monster he’s become.

5. Three scientists won the Nobel medicine prize on Monday for explaining how cells transfer vital information such as hormones and brain chemicals to other cells. The primary method for information transfers between cells, Miriam the cell gossip.

6. According to a new study, almost one in ten U.S. teens admits to having coerced or forced someone into sexual behavior. Begging the question, whatever happened to getting someone drunk so you could take advantage of them?

7. Lebanon has banned the screening of a film about homosexuality set to be shown at the Beirut International Film Festival last week. My advice to the people of Lebanon, you might want to avoid looking behind all candelabras.

8. On Friday, some investors mistook the nearly worthless stock of long-dead electronics retailer Tweeter for the upcoming, much publicized Twitter IPO, sending shares of Tweeter up more than 1,000 percent. Yet my shares of Twatter remain worthless.

9. Over the weekend, a female streaker interrupted the President’s Cup, which pits a team of top international golfers against the U.S.’s best. I guess Tiger forgot to lock his hotel room from the outside that morning.

10. Yesterday, the German Olympic team unveiled the rainbow uniforms they intend to wear at the 2014 Sochi Winter Olympics, a subtle protest against Russia’s anti-gay laws. So congratulation Russia, your harsh laws have made Germany the voice-of-reason.

October 3, 2013 – Monologue Jokes

1. The Securities and Exchange Commission is paying out a $14 million award to one unidentified whistleblower, the largest award ever paid out to one individual. “What the fuck?” said Edward Snowden.

2. In the upcoming November issue of “Vanity Fair,” actress Mia Farrow drops bombshells about her family, including the possibility that the father of her son Ronan may be Frank Sinatra, not Woody Allen. “So that’s why I’m not attracted to him,” said Woody.

3. Yesterday, bestselling fiction writer Tom Clancy passed away at the age of 66. Clancy lived a long life, surviving many hardships, including a divorce from his first wife and the casting of Ben Affleck as Jack Ryan.

4. Yesterday, bestselling fiction writer Tom Clancy passed away at the age of 66. Police have labeled John Grisham a person-of-interest.

5. California Governor Jerry Brown signed a first-of-its-kind state law criminalizing what has become known as revenge porn, the distribution of private photos of other people on the internet, usually by ex-lovers, for humiliation purposes. Yet somehow I’m always put on some stupid traffic case when I get jury duty.

6. Yesterday, Montana became the first state to make it legal to eat roadkill. You really dropped the ball on this one, West Virginia

7. The U.S. Postal Service has defaulted on a $5.6 billion payment for retiree benefits that came due on Monday. Said the Postmaster General, “I don’t understand, we put the check in the mail weeks ago.”

8. The U.S. Postal Service has defaulted on a $5.6 billion payment for retiree benefits that came due on Monday. Said the Postmaster General, “We didn’t think our retirement obligation would ever grow this high. We were kind of banking on more ‘disgruntled’ employees coming back and ‘going postal.’”

9. NASCAR driver Nelson Piquet Jr. has been fined $10,000, placed on indefinite probation and will have to attend sensitivity training after using a gay slur on social media. His probation is indefinite because that NASCAR sensitivity training has an extremely long wait-list.

10. For today’s opening round of fourball at golf’s Presidents Cup, Tiger Woods will be teamed up with fellow American golfer Matt Kuchar, or, as Tiger refers to him, his wingman.