May 14, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. Queen guitarist Brian May was hospitalized last week after tearing hit buttock muscles while gardening. Said May, “Please tell people I have coronavirus.” 

2. The European Space Agency said this week that human urine could one day be used to make concrete to build structures on the Moon. So, from now, please refer to him as astronaut R Kelly:

3. Actor Hafthor Bjornsson, who played The Mountain in ‘Game of Thrones,’ set a deadlift world record by lifting 1,104 pounds. Breaking the old record of 1,054 pounds held by Dame Judi Dench: 

4. According to a new survey, almost 70% of married couples say they learned something new about their partner during quarantine. Said Donald to Melania, “We have a kid?!?!?!”

5. Florida Governor Ron DeSantis referred to his state as ‘God’s waiting room’ during a coronavirus press briefing last week. “Not so fast” said Georgia: 

6. Last week, Jada Pinkett Smith said even though she’s been married to Will Smith for 23 years, being quarantined with him made her realize she doesn’t know him at all. Said Pinkett Smith, “Did you know he doesn’t even have an uncle named Phil?”

7. Approximately 300,000 coronavirus masks sent to pregnant women in Japan as part of a government handout have been found to be faulty. Said the pregnant women, “Faulty protection is how we got into this mess to begin with.” 

8. German doctors are posing naked to protest protective equipment shortages. And I think I speak for everyone when I say, don’t get any ideas Dr. Phil:

9.  Last week, Carnival Cruise Line bookings shot up by 600% when they announced that they would return to the high seas on August 1 after months of coronavirus lockdown.  It’s gonna be weird in fifty years, when people want to compare something to a complete disaster and, instead of saying the Titanic, they reference the Goofy II.

10. Last week, an asparagus reader predicted that President Trump will be re-elected and impeached again. Laugh if you will, but she’s always been 100% accurate when she predicted that my pee was gonna smell.

11. After his personal valet tested positive for coronavirus, President Trump said he will undergo the COVID-19 testing every day. Said the man who administered the test by inserting a long swab into Trump’s nose, “I’ve never felt less resistance.” 

12. Last week, the creator of the dystopian tv series ‘Black Mirror’ said the world is too bleak right now for a sixth season of his show. And yet somehow ‘Fuller House’ is allowed to go on as planned.

13. Last Sunday, President Trump answered questions during a virtual town hall on FoxNews staged in front of the Lincoln Memorial. Trump’s answers were so nonsensical that halfway through the interview Lincoln stood up and walked out.

14. In California, a trio of suspected thieves was arrested trying to steal thirty-one rolls of toilet paper, thirty-two towels, and four sets of bed sheets. And no one was more angry about the arrests than the thieves’ wives who sent them out to pick up a few things:

15. During a segment on ‘Good Morning America’, the CEO of the Dolphins revealed mock ups of new entrances to their stadium that will help people adhere to social distancing guidelines. Here’s what those mock ups look like:

16. Last Thursday night, between 7pm and 7:30pm, JetBlue conducted a flyover of Manhattan, Queens, and the Bronx to salute healthcare reporters. Not to be confused with the flyover that occurred between 7:30pm and 10pm, which was JetBlue circling LaGuardia waiting to land.

17. According to a recent survey, women in New York find the Cuomo brothers more attractive than the Jonas brothers. “Alright, but what if we get rid of Kevin,” said the other two Jonas brothers:

18. According to Variety, actor Nicolas Cage will play Joe Exotic in an upcoming TV series about the eclectic zookeeper. Said Cage showing up on the first day of shooting with a mullet, dressed in a cowboy hat and a leopard print sleeveless shirt, “Okay, so what’s this Joe Exotic guy look like?”

19. French researchers are preparing to launch a human trial to test their hypothesis that nicotine can help the body combat coronavirus. That story again, Keith Richards is going to live forever.

20. Last weekend, Secretariat won a virtually Kentucky Derby race. Unfortunately the horse that finished in last place, Seattle Slew, was made into virtual glue.

May 13, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. Prosecutors in Florida have dropped all charges against a man who put an “I Eat Ass” bumper sticker on his car. But the man is not out of the woods yet, he still has to deal with the trademark infringement suit from Arby’s.

2. Prosecutors in Florida have dropped all charges against a man who put an “I Eat Ass” bumper sticker on his car. That story again, man narrowly avoids being the most popular person in prison. 

3. According to the New York Times, President Trump’s businesses lost a total of more than $1 billion from 1985 to 1994. So maybe we had it backwards and Melania had him sign a prenup.

4. On Thursday, President Trump held an impromptu press conference and said he was very upset that his son Don Jr. had been subpoenaed by the Senate. He was upset because of the subpoena, but even more upset that people knew Don Jr was his son.

5. According to a new study, drinking water that is contaminated with even moderate levels of arsenic may lead to harmful to your heart. “What about arsenic contaminated with water?” asked residents of Flint, Michigan.

6. New research has determined that couples are having less sex than in the previous two decades. Begging the question, what’s less than zero?:

7. According to a new study, sunscreen enters the bloodstream after just one day of use. That story again, Mike Pence is somehow even whiter on the inside.

8. While presenting the Army Black Knights football team with the Commander-in-Chief’s Trophy Monday, President Trump said he’s looking at “doing a waiver for service academy athletes who can get into the major leagues.” Trump may flip-flop on a lot of issues, but he has never wavered on his dedication to avoiding military service.

9. On Wednesday, Denver residents voted to became the first city in the U.S. to decriminalize magic mushrooms. Voters said the hardest part was getting to the voting booth, especially after the voting booth morphed into a fire breathing dragon.

10. HBO updated the most recent episode of ‘Game of Thrones’ to digitally remove a coffee cup that accidentally made its way into a scene. “Wait, HBO has the ability to digitally remove things from shows?” asked the kid who played Tony Soprano’s son.

11. This week, Sheriff’s officials in Punta Gorda, Florida said a woman pulled a small alligator from her yoga pants during a traffic stop. And still the most surprising part of that story was that someone was wearing pants in Florida.

12. President Trump directed his re-election campaign to issue a blistering statement condemning a longtime political adviser who used Trump’s name to raise millions of dollars for an unaffiliated political group. If the President thinks that’s bad, wait till he finds out who else is using his name:

13. Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell on Tuesday sought to slam the door on further investigations of President Donald Trump by declaring “case closed” after a two-year probe of Russia’s meddling in the 2016 elections. “You should hang a banner,” said George W. Bush:

14. Lady Gaga made a grand entrance at New York’s annual Met Gala on Monday, wearing a voluminous bright pink dress that she shed on the red carpet to reveal three other outfits layered underneath, including a bra and underwear. Of course, when Lady Gaga does it she’s ‘a style icon,’ but when I do it I’m ‘causing a scene at this Waffle House.”

15. This week, First Lady Melania Trump celebrated the first anniversary of her Be Best campaign. And Melania celebrated this anniversary like she does all other anniversaries in her life:

16. Former NBA star Dennis Rodman is denying allegations that he helped three people steal more than $3,500 in merchandise from a California yoga studio. So I guess it must have been another 6’7” heavily tattooed black man, with blue hair and earrings in his ears, nose, mouth and eyebrows.

17. President Trump, said on Thursday that he sometimes serves as a counterbalance to his hard-charging national security adviser, John Bolton. What? Do you know how legit crazy you have to be for Donald Trump to be the voice of reason?

18. An Uber driver in Pittsburgh has been arrested on charges of kidnapping after he was accused of trying to lock two women in his car and saying, “you’re not going anywhere.” Being trapped in a vehicle and told you’re not going anywhere is textbook kidnapping, unless you’re Spirit Airlines, then it’s just a business plan.

July 20, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Tuesday, the Trump name was removed from a downtown hotel in Canada. “I didn’t realize it was that easy to take the Trump name off of something?” said President Trump eyeing Eric.

2. Frances Gabe, the creator of the only self-cleaning house, died Tuesday at the age of 101. He died doing what he loved, leaving behind a mess for someone else to clean up.

3. According to ‘People’ magazine, Donald Trump Jr. “goes to work every day and is miserable” and “can’t wait for these four years to be over.” Which is easily the most relatable Don Jr. has ever been.

4. O.J. Simpson was recently caught masturbating in his prison cell. Or, as every headline about the story should read, O.J. caught squeezing the juice.

5. It was revealed Wednesday that two new books set in the Harry Potter universe will be released in October. They’ll be similar to the previous Potter books except now, when the characters talk about “He Who Shall Not Be Named,” they have to be more specific:

6. Porn provider Pornhub reported that their site’s traffic was down 4.5% on Sunday night when HBO aired the season premiere of ‘Game of Thrones.’ That story again, nerds are terrible at multitasking.

7. According to a new poll, Hillary Clinton is still less popular than Donald Trump. What do you mean ‘still’?:

8. According to a dissident Chinese billionaire, China has over 25,000 spies in the US. “Good lord, I’m never gonna be able to secretly meet with all of them about ‘adoption’,” said Donald Trump Jr.

9. In a new interview, singer Aaron Carter said he and his brother Nick, of Backstreet Boys fame, are not on speaking terms. And, I have to say, I don’t know which one of the brothers I’m more jealous of.

10. According to a new study, one in five Americans would not be able to pay their bills within one month of losing their job. So, I hope you’ve been saving up, Sean Spicer.

August 25, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Pizza Hut has created the world’s first playable pizza box that converts into turntables. Not to be outdone, I ordered Dominos yesterday and my deliver guy was DJ Jazzy Jeff.

2. A 25-year-old man from Brooklyn set a Guinness World Record by binge-watching TV for 94 consecutive hours. Despite that, the man said he still has no idea who anyone is on “Game of Thrones.”

3. Video captured a quick-thinking seal that hitched a ride on a boat to get away from a pod of killer whales. Said the boat driver, “My plan worked perfectly”:
boat captain

4. An Ohio man was arrested after police observed him acting like a gorilla while touching himself inappropriately in public. “Oh, right, but you shoot me?” said Harambe.

5. According to a new study, 71% of Americans think bilingual people are more attractive. Although, the majority of them didn’t wait to hear the ‘lingual’ part.

6. According to a recent financial disclosure, a few months ago, the Trump campaign spent $55,000 dollars of campaign donations to buy 3,500 copies of Donald Trump’s book. But, in Trump’s defense, he did say he would be self-funding.

7. In a new interview, Eric Trump, son of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump, said it would be foolish for his father to release his tax returns while being audited. Adding, “But there’s no rule against us getting a look at that will during an audit.”

8. Yesterday, Marvel Comics announced a reboot of Ironman staring a new superhero called Ironheart. “Get my lawyers on the phone,” said Dick Cheney.

9. Hillary Clinton is expected to spend a considerable amount of money on campaign ads that will run during football games. Her opponent has vowed to have his face present during NFL games as well:

10. Tokyo governor Yuriko Koike brought the Olympic flag to Japan from Brazil on Wednesday and called for all parties to work together to host a successful Summer Games in 2020. Step one, don’t tell Ryan Lochte about them.

July 25, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Baron Trump, Donald Trump’s youngest son, was seen yawning repeatedly throughout his father’s 74-minute speech at the Republican Convention on Thursday night. Here’s a picture of the unamused Baron from that night:

2. According to reports, the amount of internet searches for pornography in the city of Cleveland rose 184% last week while the Republican Convention was held in town. Apparently, after four days of speeches about the specifics of the Republican platform, those in attendance wanted to watch something less demeaning towards women.

3. On Friday, Hillary Clinton chose Virginia Senator Tim Kaine as her vice presidential running mate. And, in future news, the Vice Presidential debate between Mike Pence and Tim Kaine will be bought to you by Ambien.

4. The Democratic Party has selected a handful of undocumented immigrants for official roles at this week’s Democratic National Convention. Ironically, they’re all working security.

5. The day after her speech at the Republican Convention, Ivanka Trump tweeted out a picture and link to where the dress she wore the night before could be purchased. Not to be outdone, Scott Baio did the same exact thing after his Convention speech:
Baio twitter

6. Over the weekend, the United States Olympic Committee announced that they will we be sending a team of 555 athletes to Rio for this year’s Summer Olympics. And, due to the Zika virus, plan on bringing back a team of 478 athletes.

7. A rare Amur tiger was killed at the Cheyenne Mountain Zoo during a breeding attempt this week. Maybe they would’t be so rare if you stopped killing them while they had sex.

8. A 28-year-old man in Brooklyn has become the first Pokemon Go player to capture all the characters. Asked how he felt after the accomplishment, the man said, “Still very lonely.”

9. In the wake of Democratic Party Chairperson Debbie Wasserman Schultz’s resignation, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump tweeted that he always said she was “overrated.” Although, to be completely accurate, he called her “a 6 at best.”

10. Two youths unaware of their surroundings while playing Pokemon GO on their cell phones made an illegal border crossing this week from Canada into the United States. Which may explain the new tactic some Mexicans are taking to try to sneak into the U.S.:

October 14, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Monday, the New York Times reported that ‘Playboy’ will no longer publish nude photographs of women. Although, if you’re reading this, you’re not one of the people who still has a subscription to ‘Playboy’ because you’ve heard of the internet.

2. Yesterday, ‘Esquire’ magazine named Game of Thrones actress Emilia Clarke as the sexiest woman alive. “Alive, well I can change that,” said George R.R. Martin.

3. According to a new study, young mothers may be more likely to have unprotected sexual encounters with the fathers of their children, increasing their risk of repeat pregnancies. “Looks like daddy’s buying a new boat,” said the producers of MTV’s “Teen Mom.”

4. On Tuesday, celebrities Julianne Moore, Steve Carell, Yoko Ono and many more joined forces to launch a gun safety campaign aimed at ending gun violence in the U.S. And there’s no more convincing argument for a change to our nation’s gun laws than the fact that we’re stuck with Yoko Ono.

5. North Korea held a military campaign to celebrate the 70th anniversary of their Communist Party. Proving the old adage that everyone does love a parade, or else…

6. The first Democratic presidential debate took place last night. It covered such wide-ranging topics as Hillary Clinton’s email scandal, whether Bernie Sanders is a capitalist and who the fuck these other three guys are.

7. Last night marked the first Democratic presidential debate, which aired on CNN from 8:30 until after 11 at night. It also marked the latest 74-year-old Bernie Sanders has stayed up in over 50 years.

8. During last night’s Democratic presidential debate, Bernie Sanders came to the defense of fellow-candidate Hillary Clinton saying that America was sick of hearing about her emails. Sanders’ statement was surprising since most assumed he had never even heard of email.

9. A Japanese company has invented a device that fits into a customer’s underwear, tracks the user’s bowel movements and lets them know ahead of time when they will need to use the restroom. And, if they don’t heed its warning in time, they will have to buy a new device.

10. Half of 1,221 registered voters polled in a recent survey were unaware that the first Democratic presidential debate took place last night. While the remaining half are the Republican candidates for president.

July 31, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to repots, the waters in Rio de Janeiro where Olympians will compete in swimming events during next year’s summer games are rife with human sewage. So advantage athletes from New Jersey.

2. According to a new poll, likely Democratic runner-up Bernie Sanders would beat Republican frontrunner Donald Trump if the general presidential election were held today. No word on whether the flying pigs would be allowed to vote as well.

3. EuroDisney in Paris is being accused of over-charging Germans, sometimes double the normal ticket prices, to get into the park. Even more infuriating for those Germans, once they got inside the park, it was filled with children’s laughter.

4. A brown and black-haired cat has been renamed “Lucky” after surviving while being trapped underwater for at least an hour inside a sunken powerboat in Arizona. “How much to shoot that cat?” said a Minneapolis dentist.

5. On Thursday, HBO said its most-watched series “Game of Thrones” will likely run for only three more seasons. Because, by then, they’ll have run out of actors in Hollywood to play new parts.

6. The new Windows 10 operating system includes a feature called WiFi Sense that allows users to automatically log their friends into their WiFi network without having to give them their password. “Well, my life just became a lot easier,” said your neighbor.

7. This week, presidential candidate Donald Trump said he would love to have Sarah Palin in his administration because she “is someone who knows what’s happening.” But don’t you dare ask her what she’s reading to find out what’s happening.

8. A teenage couple won $20,000 in scholarship money for making their prom outfits completely out of duct tape. Now comes the hard part, finding a college that will accept those idiots.

9. According to sources, Mullah Akhtar Mohammad Mansur was unanimously voted to become the new leader of the Taliban. And, say what you will about the Taliban, their elections are efficient. Meanwhile, we’re stuck with another 15 months of Trump.

10. The Financial Times reported that ride hailing service Uber is set to invest $1 billion in India. They reportedly got the idea by looking at any New York City taxi driver.

11. According to a new study, odds are against obese men and women ever returning to a healthy weight. You can read more about it in this month’s Medical Journal of Excuses.

12. The mafia museum in Las Vegas is set to open a new exhibit exploring corruption at FIFA, soccer’s scandal-plagued governing body. So if you thought soccer was boring before, wait til you see it in museum-form.

13. George Washington University has become the largest and most prestigious college to make standardized tests, like the SAT, optional for applicants. Said prospective freshmen, “That’s a great decision and, if I every meet him, I’d shake Mr. Washington’s hand.”

14. Donald Trump said he is self-financing his presidential campaign. Apparently, he wants to make his investments in those bankrupt Atlantic City casinos look good in comparison.

15. On Monday, while in Ethiopia, President Obama met ‘Lucy,’ a 3.2 million-year-old partial skeleton. Or, as FoxNews reported it, “Two people who lack a backbone met.”

16. Three men in Florida are recovering after being struck by lightning at America’s largest public nude beach. And, in a related story, I now believe in God.

17. Over the weekend, President Obama dined with his step-grandmother, his sister and other extended family members after arriving in Kenya for his first official presidential visit to the country. The family dog was also present “for dinner.”

18. Last week, the Winklevoss twins filed paperwork to operate a bitcoin exchange in New York. “That’s not a bad idea,” said Mark Zuckerberg.

19. Over the weekend, three-time world champion surfer Mick Fanning returned to the water for the first time since surviving a shark attack during a competition last week. Even more impressive, Fanning was able to balance himself on his surfboard despite his gigantic balls.

20. According to leaked emails, Sony made changes to the new Adam Sandler movie “Pixels” so it was more palatable to audiences in China. The Chinese version of the film is the opening title immediately followed by the closing credits.

March 10, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Yesterday, Apple unveiled an 18-karat gold version of its new iWatch priced at $10,000. It’s perfect for the person who really wants to get mugged.

2. On Monday, AMC ordered a prequel series to its zombie show ‘Walking Dead.’ The show will focus on the events leading up to and causing the zombie apocalypse, which is weird, because I always assumed that’s what “Keeping Up With the Kardashians” was about.

3. Yesterday, former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee compared the Clintons’ brand of politics to the tactics used by mob boss Michael Corleone in ‘the Godfather.’ Although, at least according to recent pictures, it looks like Huckabee is the one who’s been taking the cannolis.

4. HBO’s streaming service, HBOGo, will launch on all Apple mobile devices next month, just in time for the season premiere of ‘Game of Thrones.’ Said fans of the show, “Not sure we really need that mobile capability since we rarely leave our parent’s basement.”

5. Suspected environmental activists have threatened to contaminate infant formula in New Zealand in an attempt to halt the use of an agricultural poison on such pests as rats. You had me at less babies and lost me at more rats.

6. Ray L. Richter, Ferguson’s municipal judge, has resigned after the U.S. Justice Department found the court participated in unlawful targeting of African-Americans. Richter said he’s not sure who would hire him now that he’s being characterized as a racist, but then his phone rang and it was FoxNews.

7. According to a new study, men are more narcissistic than women. The study was conducted by listening to any Kanye interview, ever.

8. A man in Japan has invented the first talking anime body pillow. To make it as realistic as possible the pillow says phrases like “Help me” and “I’m being held here against my will.”

9. Ringling Brothers and Barnum & Bailey Circus announced last week that it will eliminate all its elephant acts by 2018. So now, if you go to the circus, the creepy, almost sexual, relationship between the lions and the lion tamer will be the only elephant in the room.

10. On Sunday, South Carolina Republican Senator Lindsey Graham admitted that he’s never sent a single email. Adding, “I had to find out that President Obama was a secret Muslim the old fashioned way, racism.”

August 27, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. TV Guide is reporting that there may be a “Full House” reboot in the works with some of the original actors reprising their roles. “I’ll do it,” said Dave Couiler, Candance Cameron, Jodie Sweeten and the girl who played Kimmy Gibbler in unison.

2. Yesterday, Burger King announced that it has reached a deal to buy Canadian doughnut chain Tim Hortons and relocate its headquarters north of the border. As a result, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie has ordered all flags to fly at half-mast.

3. Former Virginia Governor Robert McDonnell said on Tuesday a federal prosecutor was “completely off base” to suggest that he had provided help to a dietary supplement businessman in exchange for loans. Adding, “I never intended to pay those back.”

4. Chicago health officials monitored complaints on Twitter to locate the cause of a food poisoning outbreak and charge that restaurant with a violation. Officials were easily able to locate the diners using the hashtag #ThrowUpThursdays.

5. After moving up a month and switching to a weekday evening, Monday’s Primetime Emmy Awards drew 15.6 million viewers, a decrease of 2 million from last year’s telecast. Critics attribute the drop to the cast of “Game of Thrones” being at the ceremony in person this year.

6. The owners of the rights of the famed pornographic film “Deep Throat” have lost a lawsuit accusing the producers of the 2013 biopic “Lovelace” of copyright infringement. The victory was a surprise to many legal experts who expected a hung jury.

7. A brewery in Austin has started selling 99-packs of beer for $99. It’s perfect for the beer-lover who has given up on having a six-pack.

8. According to TMZ, Justin Bieber is being investigated for attempted battery, theft and robbery after trying to stealing a fan’s phone who was taking pictures of the singer and his ex-girlfriend Selena Gomez as they played games at a Dave & Busters. Because nothing says “I’m an adult” like throwing a temper tantrum at an arcade themed restaurant.

9. A New York City police union leader on Tuesday castigated Mayor Bill de Blasio saying the city has lost ground on the fight against crime since he took office in January. Said de Blasio, “What are you complaining about, that’s more job security for you.”

10. Colorado Governor John Hickenlooper said on Tuesday that he was responding to a hypothetical question when he raised the possibility of granting clemency to the state’s longest-serving death row inmate should he lose his re-election bid in November. That hypothetical question, “Are you a sore loser?”

June 25, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. A 14-year-old boy in France faked his own kidnapping to get out of a trip to the dentist. If charges are brought, the boy is expected to seek asylum in the UK.

2. On Monday, President Obama said he wants his daughters to work minimum wage jobs because “it builds character.” And, if Hillary Clinton’s claims about being broke when she left the White House are true, they’re gonna have to.

3. Finnair has opened a 1300-square foot sauna in its new premium lounge in the Helsinki Airport. Said a representative for Southwest, “If passengers are interested in small, un-air-conditioned spaces full of sweaty strangers, have I got good news for them.”

4. On Friday, pop superstar Katy Perry said she would write Hillary Clinton’s campaign theme song if she decides to run for president in 2016. While, no matter the candidate, the Republican Party has settled on Ludacris’s “Move Bitch, Get Out Da Way.”

5. A picture of President Obama reaching over the sneeze-guard at a Chipotle restaurant while an employee was making his burrito has gone viral. Proving no matter how tall, people will find a way over any American-Mexican wall.

6. On Tuesday, President Obama welcomed the 2013 Presidents Cup golf team, which included Tiger Woods and Phil Mickelson, to the White House. Said Woods, “I was told Michelle would be here.”

7. Former NFL star Aaron Hernandez’s double murder trial was scheduled yesterday for May 2015. Said Hernandez, “I’m excited to have my day in court, but with the trial date so far away, I’m nervous about my ability to go a whole year without murdering anyone.”

8. A Minnesota man came home to find his house unlocked, cash and other items missing and the accused burglar’s Facebook profile open on his computer. Even worse, the thief checked-in on FourSquare and changed his status to, “Robbing some dude’s house ;)”

9. This week Queen Elizabeth visited the set of the HBO series “Game of Thrones.” Unfortunately, the crew had to scrap the whole day of shooting after the Queen sat in the Iron Throne and then refused to abdicate.

10. According to a new study, combining digital mammography with 3-D technology may improve doctors’ ability to identify breast cancer and decrease the need for additional testing. So don’t be surprised to hear you doctor say, “Go into that exam room, undress, and put on these 3-D glasses.”