March 30, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. When asked why he was referring to the coronavirus as the Chinese virus last week, President Trump said, “I have to call out where it came from.” And, in his defense, he has a track record of naming awful things that were unleashed on the word after where they came from:

2. Last Thursday, O.J. Simpson tweeted that he’d go ‘crazy’ if all golf courses were closed due to the coronavirus. And just when you thought news couldn’t get any worse for laid-off waiters in Brentwood.

3. An Oregon police department is asking residents to stop calling 911 because they’ve run out of toilet paper. But if you do call 911 because you’ve run out of toilet paper, please disinfect your phone.

4. Last week, actor Idris Elba announced that he tested positive for the coronavirus. But, on the plus-side, catching the virus is still only the second worst thing that’s happened to Idris this year:

5. New York City mayor Bill de Blasio said Wednesday the city will remove basketball hoops at parks where pick-up games continued despite social-distancing guidelines as a result of the coronavirus pandemic. “Wait, we were supposed to be shooting at the hoop this whole time?” asked the Knicks.

6. In a recent interview, actress Courteney Cox says she doesn’t even remember being on ‘Friends.’ Meanwhile, Matt Le Blanc still wakes up in cold sweats because he remembers ‘Joey.’ 

7. Disgraced Hollywood mogul Harvey Weinstein tested positive for the coronavirus while in prison. Harvey said the nasal swab was the nicest thing he’s had shoved into him all week.

8.  Disgraced Hollywood mogul Harvey Weinstein tested positive for the coronavirus while in prison. So now he’s got to break the news to everyone he’s come in contact with:

9. Last week, six-time Super Bowl champion quarterback Tom Brady announced that he is signing with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Said Brady, “I’m tired of winning.”

10. Simba, a dog from Florida that was missing for more than two months, was found last week 1,400 miles away in Michigan. Which is, at best, a lateral move.

11. Last week, in an effort to halt the spread of the coronavirus, Germany banned gatherings of more than two people. Which, depending on how you look at it, is either a two months or seventy years too late:

12. According to a new study, taking a bath may be good for your heart. So I guess my 401k’s heart is really healthy right now

13. Pope Francis has donated 30 respirators to hospitals in areas hardest hit by the coronavirus pandemic. Because even the fucking Pope knows sending ‘thoughts and prayers’ does nothing.

14. An opera singer in Paris is giving daily concerts from his balcony window to lift his neighbors’ spirits during the nationwide lockdown enforced to contain the spread of the coronavirus. Said his neighbors, “I now you can lose you sight and smell from corona, but we’re also hoping it takes our sense of sound too.”

15. A Belgian robotics firm is lending a fleet of robots to old-age homes to help tend to residents after the government banned visitors to prevent the spread of coronavirus. It’s the perfect way to ensure that the elderly do not die from the coronavirus, but instead heart attacks.

16. CVS mistakenly sent false information to its staff about how to combat the coronavirus late last week. Even worse, here’s how they sent that information:

17. Last week, Hashem Abedi, the brother of Manchester bomber, was found guilty of 22 counts of the murders. Said Abedi’s mother, “Why can’t you be more like your brother?!!?!”

18. Last week a woman gave birth the in toilet paper aisle of a Missouri Walmart. Luckily the aisle was completely sterile:

19. Joe Biden’s presidential campaign installed a television studio in his basement over the weekend. Oddly, it was the Teletubbies studio set:

20. Coronavirus has had a dramatic effect on the sex industry as many porn actors are avoiding contact with other performers and, as a result, suffering financially. So if you’ve ever fantasized about your favorite porn star ‘checking you out’ at the supermarket, there’s a real chance now:

September 9, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. A man in Florida parked his Smart car in his kitchen to protect it from Hurricane Dorian. “Yeah, same,” said Billy Joel looking at his car at the bottom of his pool in Trenton, New Jersey.

2. Pope Francis got trapped in an elevator for twenty-five minutes on Sunday. And I gotta admit, it doesn’t give me a lot of confidence that the guy in charge of the resurrection of Christ can’t even get an elevator to rise. 

3. A street sweeper in Thailand has become an internet sensation after a picture of her carrying her dog on her back while sweeping the streets of the Thai capital went viral. I don’t see what the big deal is, I carry much lunch to work everyday too.

4. According to a recent interview, actress Jennifer Lopez asked Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, who has been married for over fifty years, for marriage advice. Ginsburg top piece of advice, “Don’t marry that queer A-Rod.” 

5. The account of Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey was hacked on last Friday, sending tweets that included racial slurs and curse word. President Trump’s account was also hacked, but no one noticed the difference.

6. A large scientific study into the biological basis of sexual behavior has confirmed there is no single “gay gene” but that affects whether a person has same-sex sexual partners. “No single gay Gene!” said an irate Gene Shalit: 

7. A 96-year-old celebrated his birthday on Saturday by breaking his own record as the world’s oldest active scuba diver for the third year running. The man said his plan is to do this every year until he reaches his ultimate goal of setting the record for deepest underwater corpse.

8. Last week, a woman broke into a Texas Botox clinic and stole $20,000-worth of anti-aging products. Police are looking for a 5’7”, caucasian woman between the ages of 8 and 68. 

9. While performing at this year’s VMA award show, singer Lizzo performed backed by a giant inflatable ass. Not to be confused with Limp Bizkit, who are always fronted by a giant ass:

10. According to a new study, former professional football players with a history of concussions may be more likely to experience erectile dysfunction. That story again, apparently Anthony Cromartie didn’t suffer any concussions:

11. ZAO, a new Chinese app that lets users swap their faces with celebrities, sports stars or anyone else in a video clip, racked up millions of downloads over the weekend. “You’’ll be hearing from my lawyers!” yelled an enraged Nicholas Cage (and/or John Travolta).

12. Rapper Nicki Minaj took fans by surprise on Thursday with an announcement that she was retiring from the music business to “have my family.” Begging the question, doesn’t Keisha want a family too?

13. Last week,Hitler’s last living relative, Romano-Luka Hitler, was convicted of pedophilia after kissing a thirteen year old girl. Said Romano, “Can we go back to the headlines of me being related to Hitler?”

14. According to a new study, the back-to-work blues that set in on Sunday night are a real phenomenon. “They way I that I combat it is that I never start working in the first place,” said President Trump. 

15. A senior Justice Department official resigned after being found to have watched porn on a government computer. Although, in his defense, he may have just been doing work-related research:

April 8, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to a new report, volunteers cleaning up trash from a New Jersey beach picked up 565 condoms last year. That’s crazy, how can you figure out what’s trash and what’s just a part of New Jersey? 

2. The owners of Krispy Kreme recently admitted to a family history that includes ties to the Nazi party in Germany.“Well I’m definitely gonna eat there more often now,” said Steve Bannon every day for the pasty twenty years. 

3. On Tuesday Connecticut Huskies women’s basketball head coach Geno Auriemma said, “The majority of coaches in America are afraid of their players.” “No shit,” said Bill Belichick:

4. On Monday, Pope Francis repeatedly withdrew his right hand as a long line of people bowed and tried to kiss the ring on it. Said the Pope, “Lower.”

5. According to a new study, combining sex and drugs is common among all genders and sexual orientations, with people in Britain most likely to engage in the practice. That story again, the Queen gets turnt: 

6. Brooklyn Councilman Robert Cornegy, who measures 6-foot-10-inches, was named world’s tallest politician. A record that will stand until Donald Trump’s next physical.

7. A University of Hartford student has been charged with attempted murder after he stabbed two of his classmates while re-enacting a movie scene for a drama class. But, on the plus-side, it sounds like he’s a shoe-in for the part of Officer Nordburg in the university’s production of ‘The Naked Gun’:

8. A lawyer for former New York Knick and current Dallas Maverick Kristaps Porzingis said Monday that a woman accusing him of rape is lying in an attempt to extort the Latvian basketball star by running his name through the mud. Said Porzingis, “I’ll pay whatever it takes, I just don’t want this to get out, people can’t know I was once a Knick.”

9. A hotel in England has launched so-called “lemoga” class which allows guests to do yoga in a room filled with lemur monkeys. It’s perfect for anyone who doesn’t want to do hot yoga, but still wants the smell.

10. Justin Bieber has apologized for joking about his wife being pregnant on April Fools’ Day after drawing criticism from some who felt it was insensitive to those dealing with fertility issues. It was also insensitive to those people who are very scared of there being more Biebers in the world. 

11. A court in Michigan this week ruled that giving a police officer the middle finger is an act of free speech. Said one officer upon seeing a black guy flick him off, “HE’S GOT A GUN!”

12. The Kremlin said on Monday, Russia is ready to improve ties with the United States but it is up to Washington to make the first move. Luckily, ’making the first move’ is one of Trump’s specialities:

13. A South Carolina man was arrested after driving around a college campus not wearing pants. So heads up Oregon Duck:

14. In a recent op-ed, George Conway, husband of White House advisor Kellyanne Conway, says that, despite the findings of the Mueller Report, President Trump is unfit for the office. Other thing Trump is unfit for: marriage, fatherhood, an size extra-large shirts:

15. This week, comedian Volodymyr Zelensky took the lead in Ukraine’s presidential elections. “What’s it like to have a president who people laugh at on purpose?” said every Americans.

16. Former Speaker Paul Ryan said Tuesday that he doesn’t believe freshman Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez listened much to the advice he gave her about being a member of the House. So I guess she’ll have to figure out how to retire in disgrace by her mid-forties all on her own.

17. Congressional Democrats raised questions on Wednesday about security at President Trump’s Mar-a-Lago resort in Florida after a Chinese woman carrying electronic devices bluffed her way through security checks last weekend. Said Trump, “Even worse, they let Eric in.”

18. White House economic adviser Larry Kudlow on Wednesday said the United States has plans to rapidly revitalize the Venezuelan economy, including financial and food planning as well as getting cash to people in the country. “Cool,” said the people of Puerto Rico.

19. On Friday, President Trump said he has the right to read the Mueller Report, but has not done so as of yet. He hasn’t gotten around to it yet because he’s already in the middle of another book:

20. According to a new poll, nearly half of all Americans still believe President Trump worked with Russia to interfere in the 2016 presidential election. That surprising statistic again, a majority of people believe Donald Trump actually worked.

February 25, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. In honor of the upcoming summit in Vietnam between President Trump and North Korean leader Kim Jong Un, a Hanoi barber is offering free haircuts to anyone wanting to copy Trump or Jong Un’s hairstyles. That story again, barber in Vietnam is overcharging for his work. 

2. In a recent interview, boxer Manny Pacquiao said he doesn’t want his 18-year-old son Jimuel to be a boxer because it is a tough and dangerous profession. And if you want proof that its a dangerous sport, Pacquiao doesn’t eve have a son.

3. According to a new book, President Trump and First Lady Melania were seen at Mar-A-Lago on Thanksgiving holding hands and “kissing as if nobody else existed.” Of course, pretending like no one else exists is the only way to get Melania to kiss Donald.

4.  According to a new book, President Trump and First Lady Melania were seen at Mar-A-Lago on Thanksgiving holding hands and “kissing as if nobody else existed.” Don’t believe it? Here’s a picture someone took of them holding hands:

5. According to ‘The New York Times,’ democratic presidential hopeful Amy Klobuchar once ate a salad with a comb. “A what?” said Trump of ‘a salad’ and Bernie Sanders of ‘a comb.’ 

6. Last week, an unopened copy of the first Super Mario Brothers Nintendo video game sold at auction for $100,000. “If things are more valuable if they’ve never been touched or played with, then I must be worth a fortune,” said every guy at that auction.

7. The Vatican has revealed that it maintains secret guidelines for priests who father children despite their vows of celibacy. Those guidelines include: giving the child up for adoption, limiting contact with the mother, and, if the child is a boy, not allowing him to be around the other priests.

8. Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg took the bench at the Supreme Court Tuesday morning first time since she announced she’d undergone surgery in December for cancer. Or, as Justice Brett Kavanaugh, “Cool! Finally breaking up this sausage party, bro.”

9. Last week, Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio Cortez compared President Trump’s border wall to the Berlin Wall. If you remember, David Hasselhoff sang at the Berlin Wall when it was taken down, so if that’s what it takes to prevent the border wall from being built, it’s not worth it.

10. Mattel and National Geographic have teamed up to create an astrophysicist Barbie doll. So if you like astrophysics and you like women who don’t speak up when you touch them, hi Neil deGrasse Tyson.

11. According to reports, Hillary Clinton recently held meetings with former Vice President Joe Biden and Senator Amy Klobuchar to talk about the 2020 presidential election. Not be outdone, President Trump recently held meetings with literally anyone who would listen to talk about the 2016 presidential election.

12. According to new research, the average female friendship has a life span of 16 years. But only 12 years with that bitch Diane.

August 10, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. In her upcoming ‘tell-all’ book, former presidential aide Omarosa Manigault Newman claims that while working in the White House President Trump showed signs of mental decline. The number one sign of Trump’s mental decline, hiring Omarosa Manigault Newman to work in the White House.

2. A 12-year-old Chinese girl who went missing from a tour group at an airport outside Washington D.C., sparking an investigation into a possible kidnapping, was located Friday in the New York City. Although, she’s not out of the woods yet:

3. ‘The New York Times’ recently published an article claiming that face tattoos are becoming more mainstream. Yeah, I’d say so:

4. A pregnant woman in Canada ordered a latte at McDonald’s and received a cup of cleaning fluid instead. Marking the first time anyone has every gone into a McDonald’s and come out with a smaller stomach and weighing less.

5. A pregnant woman in Canada ordered a latte at McDonald’s and received a cup of cleaning fluid instead. That’s very hard to believe, I’ve been to my share of McDonald’s and there’s no way anyone was cleaning any of those.

6. According to ‘Axios,’ President Trump is always on the phone during his working vacations at his golf club in New Jersey and his staff often has no idea who he’s talking to. Although it’s usually Grover or Big Bird:

7. An Amish man in Michigan recently started a horse-and-buggy ride-sharing service he’s calling Amish Uber. It’s a significantly better use of the man’s horses than his previous business venture, Amish Tinder:

8. An Amish man in Michigan recently started a horse-and-buggy ride-sharing service he’s calling Amish Uber. And no matter the length of your trip, the estimated arrival time is always 1874.

9. Paul Manafort’s longtime deputy Rick Gates admitted in court Tuesday to having an extramarital affair a decade ago. Even crazier, he was just answering the question “Do you promise to tell the whole truth?”

10. Tuesday, August 7th, was Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s birthday. And some people were so excited about it that they couldn’t want until Tuesday to give him a present:

11. First Lady Melania Trump is looking for volunteers to help decorate the White House for Christmas. In fact Melania is looking for volunteers for a lot of positions including decorator, assistant, and First Lady.

12. Richard Jarecki, a doctor by profession, who became famous by finding slight biases in roulette wheels to earn millions, died on Wednesday at the age of 86. “Always bet on black,” said this guy:

13. On Sunday, rapper the Game got into a fist-fight with his one teammate during a California rec league basketball game. “Wait, I didn’t know that was an option,” said LeBron:

14. President Trump’s administration on Thursday announced an ambitious plan to usher in the “Space Force” as the sixth branch of the military by 2020. Trump said the Space Force’s first mission will be to find that planet from Star Trek where the women have three breasts.

15. This week, car-maker Ford made it’s millionth Ford Mustang. That story again, 40-year-old men continue to have mid-life crises.

16. In a recent interview, actor Seth Rogen revealed that he has worked out with Kanye West on multiple occasions. That very weird and hard-to-believe story again, Seth Rogen has worked out.

17. President Trump’s in-laws are officially United States citizens, obtaining their citizenship through the sponsorship of their adult daughter, one of the very categories of family visas that the administration has sought to end. Said the Trump administration, “Okay, starting now.”

18. On Thursday, while cycling in Colorado, Lance Armstrong crashed his bike and was forced to go to the hospital. Oh no, is the bike okay?

19. China has banned screenings of Disney’s “Christopher Robin,” a movie featuring Winnie the Pooh. So if the children of China want to see Winnie the Pooh, they’ll just have to keep making those dolls:

20. According to a new study, handing kids plates with pictures of fruits and vegetables may nudge them to serve themselves and eat more of these foods. That story again, kids are stupid.

21. President Trump acknowledged on Sunday that his son met with Russians in 2016 at Trump Tower to get dirt on Hillary Clinton. Although Trump was unable to remember specific details, like his son’s the name.

22. Over the weekend, Russia appointed actor Steven Seagal as a “special representative” on US-Russian humanitarian ties. And there’s nothing more humanitarian that Russia can do than taking Seagal off our hands.

June 29, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Monday, Showtime announced that actor Russell Crowe will play Fox News founder Roger Ailes in a new miniseries. It is apparently the role Crowe has been preparing for for the past twelve years:

2. Brett Kavanaugh, a federal judge in Washington is the early favorite among political bettors to succeed Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy, who announced his retirement on Wednesday. So if you had Judge Brett Kavanaugh in your office Supreme Court pool, your office sucks.

3. Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders said she was kicked out of a Virginia restaurant over the weekend because she works for President Trump. Said the restaurant owner, “That’s not the case at all, we just ran out of gravy.”

4. In a recent interview, actor Seth Rogen said he refused to pose for a picture with Speaker of the House Paul Ryan. Which is a pretty big insult coming from the guy who agreed to appear in “The Guilt Trip”:

5. Over the weekend, Zsa Zsa, a 9-year-old English bulldog, won the 2018 World’s Ugliest Dog content. Zsa Zsa is so ugly other digs sniff her face.

6. Joe Jackson died on Wednesday at the age of 89. He is survived by a very relieved Tito.

7. Last week, pair of gay male swans in Austria attacked several people to protect a discarded plastic cup in their nest that they treat like an egg. The last time a parent defended a piece of garbage mistaken for a child, Don Jr. was meeting with Russian at Trump Tower.

8. NASCAR radio broadcaster Wendy Venturini is in the hospital, but is doing fine after being struck by a car on Saturday. Said Venturini, “How was I suppose to know he was going to make a left?”

9. On Monday, President Trump tweeted that the Red Hen restaurant that refused to serve Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders “badly needs a paint job.” Because if Trump knows anything, it’s that you need a new paint job every single day:

10. Astronaut Buzz Aldrin is suing two of his children and a former business manager, accusing them of slandering him by saying he has dementia. But, in their defense, when a old man shouts “I’ve been to the moon,” they tend to be crazy too.

11. A Russian company asked a federal judge on Monday to dismiss charges brought against them by Special Counsel Robert Mueller, saying Mueller was unlawfully appointed and lacks prosecutorial authority. Hey, Russia, this is a federal court, you can’t just tell them what to do, this isn’t the White House.

12. According to a new study, Chinese men consume one-third of all cigarettes worldwide. While the other two-thirds are consumed by Keith Richards:

13. Democratic Senator Claire McCaskill suffered a broken rib after choking at a Senate lunch Thursday, where her Senate colleague Joe Manchin performed the Heimlich maneuver to save her. “A liberal female politician choking, that’s kind of my thing,” said Hillary.

14. Interior Secretary Ryan Zinke on Tuesday deleted a photo of a sock he was wearing with President Donald Trump’s “Make America Great Again” campaign slogan on it after realizing he may have violated a law that prohibits federal employees from engaging in political activity. Thus marking the second time a politician got in trouble for tweeting a photo of himself wearing a sock:

15. Tiger Woods was spotted using a new putter at this week’s Quicken Loans National golf tournament. Not surprising, he’s always tinkering with his putz.

16. This week, while talking about increasing the number of judges on the border to deal with the immigration issue at a campaign rally, President Trump said “Where are you gonna find 5,000 people to be judges?” I don’t know, maybe try the alley-way behind ‘The Voice’:

17. According to ‘The New York Times,’ former Press Secretary Sean Spicer is developing a talk show. The working title is “In Two Ferns”:

18. French President Emmanuel Macron met with Pope Francis this week for 57 minutes, setting a record for the longest meeting between the Pope and a head state. A record that will be broken next week when the Pope spends a quiet weekend at a New England bed and breakfast with Justin Trudeau:

19. While visiting a migrant detention facility on the country’s southern border, First Lady Melania Trump asked a six-year-old girl, “Did you make friends?” Said the little girl, “Bitch, do you know where you are?”

20. Houston Texans wide receiver DeAndre Hopkins believes President Donald Trump doesn’t understand the complexities of the protest movement in the NFL. So I guess, just add that to the long list of things Trump doesn’t understand:

December 29, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Last week, Dutch ambassador Peter Hoekstra lied to a news reporter about comments he perviously made, and then, when confronted with those comments, lied about lying. Said Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos, “The lying gets worse, I just checked a map and there’s no such place as Dutch”

2. The man who dropped off a gift-wrapped box of horse manure to Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin’s Los Angeles home said he did so in response to Congress’s newly passed tax bill. But that’s not a good comparison because at least the man gift-wrapped his package of shit.

3. A man in Mexico who claims to have a 19-inch penis says his member makes it impossible for him to hold down a job because he can’t kneel or wear a uniform. In other news, A-Rod hit 696 home runs with a career batting average of .295:

4. According to the numbers, Donald Trump visited a Trump-owned property over 100 times in his first year as president. And the number goes up dramatically if you consider Mitch McConnell and Paul Ryan Trump-owned properties.

5. Callista Gingrich, wife of former speaker of the House of Representatives Newt Gingrich, on Friday became U.S. ambassador to the Vatican. That crazy story again, the woman who is married to Newt Gingrich and has presumably seen him naked still believes in God.

6. Michelin-starred chef Massimo Bottura plans to open two new restaurants in Paris and Naples next year, where the food will be free, made from supermarket scraps and served only to the poor. Or, as it’s more commonly known. Arby’s.

7. On Sunday, President Trump lashed out at the media tweeting, “The Fake News refuses to talk about how Big and how Strong our Base is.” I don’t know about strong, but they’ve definitely reported about how big your base is:

8. A topless protester was detained by Vatican police on Monday for attempting to steal the doll of baby Jesus from the Vatican’s nativity scene. Said the Pope, “What can I say? Bitches be cray”

9. According to a report, government officials are imploring Prince Harry not to invite former President Obama to his upcoming wedding for fear of enraging President Trump. You think Trump will be mad, wait until Jeff Sessions finds out Harry’s fiancee is half-black.

10. While eating diner at a local Applebee’s after losing to the Carolina Panthers on Christmas Eve, Tampa Bay Buccaneers defensive tackle Sealver Siliga left a $1,000 tip. “I just felt bad that anyone had to work such a crummy job on Christmas Eve,” said the Applebee’s empployees of Siliga.

11. New research suggests, for older people, getting out of the house regularly may contribute to a longer life. That story again, Grandma was a freeloader and I did her a favor by kicking her out of the house.

12. New research suggests, for older people, getting out of the house regularly may contribute to a longer life. So, at this rate, Donald Trump is going to live forever:

13. On Wednesday, the Israeli Minister of Transportation announced that a new train station near the Western Wall will be named after President Trump. In honor of Trump, the train will have an gigantic caboose:

14. A Connecticut woman allegedly snorted cocaine in a police station while waiting to be booked on unrelated charges. Which, to her credit, is a pretty smart way to not have to wait anymore.

15. Alabama officials on Thursday certified Doug Jones the winner of the state’s Senate race, after a judge denied a legal challenge by Roy Moore. Moore will handle this rejection like he usually does, by signing the judge’s high school yearbook and stalking him at the mall.

16. Smartphone maker Apple and Japanese printer company Epson are facing legal complaints in France over allegedly speeding up the aging process of their products to stimulate demand. “I’m not so sure speeding up the aging process increases demand” said Mickey Rourke’s face:

17. China has closed more than 13,000 websites since the beginning of 2015 for breaking the law or other rules with the vast majority of people supporting government efforts to clean up cyberspace. I’ve made fun of your president and implied that Chinese people pee-pee in our coke, I guess what I’m saying is, what the fuck does a website gotta do to get banned in China?

18. A Tibetan film-maker jailed in China for making a film about the Olympics and Tibet has arrived in the United States after escaping from China. “You can be jailed in China for making unpopular movies?” asked a very concerned Adam Sandler.

September 1, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. This week, former White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer finally met Pope Francis after being left out during President Trump’s visit to the Vatican earlier this year. Spicer and the Pope bonded overing comparing stories of what it’s like to work for a boss who has a God complex.

2. During a press conference on Monday, President Trump mistook two different blond reporters as the same woman. “Oh, maybe it’s not just a playful jokes that he always calls me Ivanka,” said Tiffany.

3. A planned film adaptation of ‘Lord of the Flies’ is the works that will feature an all female cast. The writer got the idea for an island full of women who turn on each other after hanging out with a group of women for more than five minutes.

4. A constipated gorilla at the Topeka Zoo in Kansas underwent surgery last week. The gorilla is still constipated, but, now, has a really nice set of tits.

5. In response to President Trump’s lackluster statements in the wake of Charlottesville, James Murdoch, the CEO of Fox, said “There are no good Nazis.” Adding, “And I should know, I’ve been looking to fill that 7pm slot on Fox News for months now.”

6. NFL Players Association executive director DeMaurice Smith said a work stoppage after the current collective bargaining agreement expires in 2021 is “a virtual certainty.” But just to be safe, the Jets decided to stop playing four years ago.

7. An 800-year-old sandstone coffin at a museum in Britain was damaged on Sunday after a family put a child into it for a photo and knocked off a small piece. Which, coincidentally, is the exact same reason Casey Anthony is banned from MOMA.

8. The president of the Girls Scouts of America has accused the Boy Scouts of America of trying to undercut the organization through a “covert campaign to recruit girls.” Although I wouldn’t call the neckerchief ‘covert’:

9. A Russian tanker built to crush ice in its path, completed a journey in record time from Europe to Asia. Thus marking the second time in recent history Russia defeated an icy and frigid opponent:

10. According to a new study, many older adults may mishear important medical information from their healthcare providers. So, yeah, there’s a good chance your grandmother’s doctor wasn’t saying she’s an “advanced dancer.”

11. Pigs that were saved from a fire in England earlier this year have been served to their rescuers as sausages by the farmer who wanted to thank the firefighters for their efforts. “They also saved us,” said the farmer’s very nervous kids.

12. Connecticut is the first state to allow judges to appoint attorneys as advocates for dogs and cats in cases of abuse and neglect. “So now I have two clients who can lick themselves,” said Steve Bannon’s lawyer.

13. On Monday, Russian gold-medal figure-skater Yulia Lipnitskaya retired from the sport at the age of 19. Or, according to Woody Allen, five years past her prime.

14. According to a new study, teens who start drinking at younger ages are more likely to have their first sexual encounter earlier than others. “Noted,” said teenage boys.

15. John Bolton, a former U.S. ambassador who at one point was a candidate to lead the State Department, claimed in an op-ed published Monday that he is no longer allowed to see President Trump. Or, as they refer to it in the Trump administration, being given ‘the Eric treatment.’

16. President Trump said he pardoned Arizona Sheriff Joe Arpaio in the middle of Hurricane Harry because he “assumed the ratings would be far higher.” So, maybe, if we can get a Sharknado going, he’ll announce his resignation.

17. Five people in South Africa were arrested this week for taking part in an alleged cannibalism ring after one man told police he was “tired of eating human flesh.” Proving once again, no one likes leftovers.

18. Last week, authorities in Saudi Arabia arrested teenage boy after he was seen publicly dancing to ‘The Macarena.’ And, since this is Saudi Arabia, I’m assuming it wasn’t at a bar-mitzvah.

19. ESPN analyst Ed Cunningham announced Wednesday that he is resigning from his role due to concerns regarding head injuries within the sport. In response, former NFL player and current ESPN analyst Emmitt Smith said, “Watermelon!”

20. Amazon and Microsoft announced on Wednesday a collaboration that will allow their respective voice assistants, Alexa and Cortana, to communicate with each other. But, so far, it’s just them talking shit about Siri.

21. According to a new study, young adults who use meth may have an increased risk of strokes. That story again, meth is bad.

22. President Trump’s eldest son, Donald Trump Jr., has agreed to sit down for a transcribed interview with the Senate judiciary committee. Don Jr. agreed to the meeting after the Senate judiciary committee promised to provide dirt on Hillary Clinton.

23. According to a new study, women with high concentrations of common flame retardants in their urine may have a hard time getting pregnant and carrying a baby to term. But, on the plus-side, if they do, fire-proof babies.

24. This weekend, an Asian-American actress on ABC’s ‘Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.’ claimed that Hollywood is racist. “If that’s the case, why doesn’t Hollywood like me more?’ asked Trump.

25. Last week, the White House named Hope Hicks the interim director of communications. Well, they name her director of communications, everyone else just assumed the ‘interim’ part.

July 17, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Last Friday, a truck hauling eels over-tuned on an Oregon highway. But that’s still not the slimiest thing that’s happened on a road recently:

2. Hillary Clinton’s unused election night confetti has been repurposed and put into snow globes. There was a lot of confetti to begin with and, then, after the results came in, Hillary made some of her own:

3. According to a new study, Indonesia is the laziest country in the world. Asked what they thought of the study, the people of Indonesia said, “We’ll read it later.”

4. Last week, President Trump said his long-promised border wall will have “openings” to see through. Said Trump, “It’ll be just like the walls I built backstage for the Miss Teen USA Pageant.”

5. Russian President Vladimir Putin said on Friday that he hoped for further dialogue with President Trump after their meeting in Germany earlier this month. That story again, Putin waited the customary four days before asking for a second date.

6. According to a new study, men named Wayne are most likely to cheat on their partners. “I wish you had told me that before he broke my heart,” said Robin:

7. Pope Francis has a ‘No Whining’ sign on the door to his residence in the Vatican. Even worse, during confessional, he frequently tells church-goers to “grow a pair.”

8. Shaquille O’Neal wants to own 100 Krispy Kreme donut shops. And, apparently, he’s been letting his buddy Charles Barkley do the research:

9. United Airlines is considering a new system to resell your seat for a higher price in exchange for a reward. But, if you think about it, isn’t not having to fly United reward enough?

10. Due to low passing rates, the state of California said it will make its bar exam easier to pass. Which is good news, because at the rate in which the Trump White House is hiring attorneys, we’re gonna running out real soon.

May 25, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Wednesday, Pope Francis jokingly asked First Lady Melania Trump what she feeds the President. I don’t know, but if I had to guess, I’d say increasingly larger amounts of arsenic.

2. On Wednesday, Pope Francis jokingly asked First Lady Melania Trump what she feeds the President. And I don’t know what’s funnier, that the Pope thinks Melania cooks or that they actually eat meals together.

3. According to a new report, a group of experts have determined that President Trump’s speech has deteriorated in recent years. But I’m guilty of that too, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve said “there are no words” since he took office.

4. Yesterday, President Trump met Pope Francis in Vatican City and they exchanged gifts. The Pope gave Trump a copy of Laudato Si, a book on the environment and climate change, and Trump gave the Pope a map of his electoral college victory.

5. According to reports, President Trump’s advisers are drafting plans to sell some public assets to help pay for improvements to the nation’s aging infrastructure. If they’re strapped for cash, why not rent out the White House, it rarely gets used on the weekends:

6. The entire country of Sweden has been listed on Airbnb. “Sorry, but we already bought a country this year,” said Russia.

7. This week, actor Tom Cruise confirmed that a sequel to ‘Top Gun’ is in the works, with an expected release date sometime in 2019. But, if you can’t wait until then to get your fill of dogfights in the sky, you can literally take any commercial flight.

8. Tuesday, President Trump introduced a new budget proposal entitled ‘A New Foundation for American Greatness.’ Which is good news, because the old foundation ain’t doing so hot:

9. According to a new study, good-looking scientists are less likely to be taken seriously academically than their less attractive counterparts. Well that settles it, let’s get our ugliest people to work on climate change.

10. A man in Russia recently proposed to his girlfriend by hiding the ring in his stomach wound and making her to change the bandage. That story again, a man in Russia is in the market for a new girlfriend and a new nurse.