March 16, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. Doctors who transplanted a complete penis onto a wounded soldier reported Wednesday that the man has regained near-normal erections and the ability to achieve orgasm more than one year after the surgery was completed. Said the soldier, “Please, just say normal erections.” 

2. A man was sentenced to thirty days in jail for posting a video of himself removing an ice cream container from a Texas market, licking the contents, and returning it to the freezer. “So I hear you like licking things,” said his cellmate.

3. Footwear company Crocs has announced a new collaboration with candy-maker Peeps to release brightly-colored clogs featuring chicks and bunnies for Easter. Hey, just because Jesus died for our sins doesn’t mean you should just walk around sinning.

4. This week, PGA Commissioner Jay Monahan said that Disneyland closing tis doors s prompted PGA Tour to do the same. And it’s not the first time golf has followed trends set by Disney:

5. Last week, Senator Ted Cruz announced that he will self-quarantine himself after interacting with an individual who tested positive for the novel coronavirus at the recent Conservative Political Action Conference. “Oh, man, I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy,” said people after hearing that someone interacted with Ted Cruz.

6. Earlier this month, singer Justin Bieber turned 26. Which is apparently that weird age where you look like both the victim and the pedophile:

7. It was announced last week that Hachette Book Group was considering publishing director Woody Allen’s memoir. Here’s a first look at the cover:

8. Last weekend, presidential candidate Bernie Sanders held a rally featuring the rap group Public Enemy and actor Dick van Dyke. The crowd was a little taken aback by all the swearing and then Pubic Enemy took the stage.

9. Last week, Harvey Weinstein’s lawyers said that he’ll die behind bars if sentenced to more than five years. Said the judge, “You promise?”

10. A New Mexico woman faces charges after police say she stole a car and later tried to claim she was Beyonce. Authorities became suspicious when they noticed that ‘Beyonce’ was driving a Kia Sorento.

11. The Cleveland Browns are increasing their efforts to help stop the spread of coronavirus by announcing a work-from-home policy. Which seems pointless, the Browns never show up on game day anyway.

12. Oscar-winning actor Tom Hanks announced on Twitter that he’s tested positive for the coronavirus. Good lord, not beloved character actor Tom Hanks, someone send the National Guard to Betty White’s house.

13. The Trump campaign has reportedly canceled a Women for Trump bus tour due to concerns over the coronavirus. Or, more likely, they realized that it probably wasn’t a great idea to remind women of Trump’ behavior on buses:

14. According to reports, President Trump’s campaign strategy is to paint his potential opponent, former Vice President Joe Biden, as senile. Said Joe, “I love painting!”

15. According to reports, President Trump’s campaign strategy is to paint his potential opponent, former Vice President Joe Biden, as senile. And, if history is any guide, you can do that by just giving him an opened umbrella:

16. According to research, a new type of therapy using feces and fake rubber hands may be able to help patients with obsessive compulsive disorder overcome their fears of touching contaminated surfaces. Which doesn’t seem like something we should be trying to cure right now.

17. Last week, students at Penn State held a candle-light vigil for a campus Taco Bell that’s closing. Marking the first time anyone has ever lit a candle before eating Taco Bell:

18. A new dating app has launched in the UK for men with penises that are smaller than the global average. It’s just like Tinder except you’re disappointed before you even meet the guy.

19. In response to price-gauging, New York state said they will be producing their own hand sanitizer. Word of caution, if you run into this man on the Q train, he does not work for the state and that’s not hand sanitizer he’s producing:

20. Donald Trump Jr. wants to debate Hunter Biden on who’s benefited more from their dads. It will be there first debate where legally every answer has to start with “Actually.”

December 23, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. Hundreds of crazed Ryan Reynolds fans in South America pushed through a barricade to get to actor. That story again, apparently the movie ‘Green Lantern’ was never released in South America. 

2. Dozens of Indonesians took part in a shouting competition in the capital Jakarta last week. So hopefully all those long nights of practice paid off, couple who live in the apartment next to me. 

3. Police say a man crammed thirty bags of frozen shrimp down his pants in burglaries at multiple California grocery stores. Shouted the man as they put him in the police car, “Tell everyone that they were jumbo shrimp!” 

4. Last week it was announced that guitarist John Frusciante is rejoining the Red Hot Chili Peppers, a few years after he left the band. Turns out he wasn’t a great fit at his office job:

 5. In an apparent effort to escalate their feud, rapper Nick Cannon claimed last week that there is a video of Eminem ‘sucking a cock.’ Even more embarrassing, there are multiple videos of Nick Cannon sucking at rap.

6. According to a new study, athletes have healthier brains and, as a result, can hear better. “What did you say?” said every member of the Knicks.

7. Last week, Merriam-Webster’s dictionary named ‘they’ as their word of the year. Because apparently ‘Baby Yoda’ is two words.

8. Last week, Merriam-Webster’s dictionary named ‘they’ as their word of the year. Further proof that this year has really fucking sucked.

9. The Justice Department recently announced that it will review plans by Google to buy fitness tracker Fitbit. Said the DOJ to Google, “Are you really going to use it? Or is just gonna end up in a drawer somewhere?”

10. According to reports, President Trump is likely to nominate Hudson Institute CEO Kenneth Weinstein as his new ambassador to Japan. The ambassador said he is honored to have the position and will do his best not to ruin the good ‘Weinstein’ name.

11. Over the weekend, the U.S. golf team, led by Tiger Woods, won the Presidents Cup. Although anyone with $1.99 to spare, can get the same cup as the President:

12. On Tuesday, Joe Biden’s doc said the former Vice President is healthy enough to undertake the duties of the presidency. Actually, his exact words were, “Well if that guy can do it”:

13. President Trump on Tuesday issued a stark warning to congressional Democrats, saying that if they pursue impeachment against him they will be “declaring war on American democracy.” Said Nancy Pelosi:

14. Artist Simone Fugazzotto defended on Tuesday a widely criticized anti-racism campaign launched by Italy’s Serie A soccer league which features his paintings of apes. Said the artist, “What does ‘anti’ mean?”

15. A duck in the U.K. had to have its penis removed recently after it began attempting to mate with females up to ten times per day. And, just like that, I believe in reincarnation:

16. According to the Center for Disease Control, puppies purchased from pet stores have been linked to bacterial infection outbreak in over thirty states. “So, you’re welcome?” said Michael Vick.

17. Thousands of Liberian immigrants will be eligible to apply for green cards and eventual U.S. citizenship under the terms of a defense spending bill passed by the Senate on Tuesday. Or at least until President Trump realizes they are talking about African immigrants and not librarians.

18. During a rally theis past week, President Trump joked that former Congressman John Dingell, who died in February, might be in hell. “You don’t have to die to find yourself in hell,” said Melania.

August 12, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. A 107-year-old woman in the Bronx said the secret to her long life was never getting married. “Solid advice,” said Nicole Brown Simpson.

2. Last week, a Florida man who goes by the name ‘Murder’ and has the word ‘murder’ tattooed on his neck, was found guilty of murder. Said the man’s lawyer, “I told you to tattoo ‘not’ before that.” 

3. Saudi Arabia will host the world’s richest horse race in Riyadh at the King Abdulaziz Racetrack next year, with a purse of $20 million. “I’ve got an idea,” said Usain Bolt:


4. This week, former Vice President Joe Biden said that “half of winning is showing up.” Which explains why Don Jr. and Eric lost all those tee-ball games:

5. In a recent interview, actor Jason Mamoa says he is unable to shoot ‘Aquaman 2’ because he got run over by a bulldozer. And not, as I suspected, because he saw ‘Aquaman 1.’ 

6. Actor Richard Gere on Friday visited 121 migrants stranded for the past week on a rescue ship in the Mediterranean. “And Richard Gere knows a thing or two about things getting stranded in unwelcome places,” said Squeaks the hamster.

7. According to a new study by the International Nut and Dried Fruit Council, men who eat nuts have better sexual performance. “Hello ladies,” said guy:

8. Last week, a jury in California ruled that singer Katy Perry’s hit single ‘Dark Horse’ copied a Christian rap song and must pay the original writers for copyright infringement. Yes, but what about justice for the jurors who were forced to listen to a Christian rap song? 

9. Last week, Apple announced that it has stopped letting contractors listen to user commands given to its voice assistant Siri. Said Apple, “Problem solved, we hired those contractors as full time employees.” 

10. President Trump recently attacked representative Elijah Cummings calling his Baltimore district a rat infested mess. Although his opinion of Baltimore has always been off:

11. According to Politico, President Trump reads four newspapers a day. Unfortunately, they are the same four newspapers everyday:

12. According to reports, the first lady of Japan may have pretended not to speak English after she was seated next to President Trump at the recent G20 Summit. Which is a shame, because the two seem to have so much in common, for instance, an inability to speak English:

13. An Indian man who was bitten by a snake got his revenge on the reptile by biting it back and killing it. And you don’t even want to know what he did to his dog after it humped his leg.

14. Police are searching for a woman who peed on a bin of potatoes in a Pennsylvania Walmart. “Ew, gross, potatoes,” said Trump.

15. Last week, democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders met with rapper Cardi B. They bonded over they desire to help the working poor, improve education, and stripping when they were younger:

16. After President Trump attached four ethnically diverse Democratic congresswomen, Republicans said they were unsure how President trump would respond to racist chants at his upcoming rallies. Although I’m guessing with a new line of hats:

17. In a televised speech last Monday condemning two mass shootings over the weekend, President Trump mistakenly referred to Toledo instead of Dayton as the city that suffered a mass shooting over the weekend. But, at this rate, give it a few weeks, and it will probably be accurate.

18. Japanese electronics manufacturer NEC Corporation unveiled a prototype flying car that stayed in the air for almost a minute during a test in Japan this week. Said the driver of the flying car behind it, “Go!!!! It’s been green for a full minute!!! GOOOOOO!!”

19. Japanese electronics manufacturer NEC Corporation unveiled a prototype flying car that stayed in the air for almost a minute during a test in Japan this week. The last time a car stayed in the air for a full minute, Paul Walker was driving it.

20. Last week, a nearly toothless Florida woman says she bit a man who forced his way into her apartment. That’s a crazy story, someone in Florida has teeth?

21. The Department of Health and Human Services is warning that new toxic chemicals are starting to contaminate cocaine in the United States. Which is a great thing to mention to already very paranoid group of people.

22. A Texas man proposed to his girlfriend this weekend by leading her on a 15-mile bike ride that spelled out the words “marry me.” So ladies, next time you’re mad at your boyfriend because he’s making a lot of u-turns and seems lost, remember to be even angrier when he doesn’t propose at the end.

23. Saudi Arabia’s capital market regulator on Tuesday approved two companies to test using robo-advisory services, or computer-generated advice for investors. If successful, the will begin testing robo-cocaine and robo-strippers.

24. According to a new study, adults who were underweight babies may be less likely to have romantic or sexual relations. Which explains my new pick up line, “You’re so hot, I bet you were a fat baby.”

25. Pittsburgh Steelers wide receiver JuJu Smith-Schuster followed through Sunday on a pledge to give a fan season tickets for tattooing his signature onto his scalp. “Oh my God, that sounds terrible,” said Giants fans of being given season tickets.

26. Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell fractured his shoulder Sunday after falling in his Kentucky home. Begging the question, how do you know where his neck ends and shoulder begins?

27. Coors Light has branded itself the official beer of drinking in the shower. And, I’m gonna guess, of peeing in the shower as well.

28. Kazakhstan has halted the implementation of an internet surveillance system criticized by lawyers as illegal. That hard to believe story again, they have the internet in Kazakhstan.

29. According to a recent report, when President Trump likes a tweet, he has a staffer print it our, then he signs it and sends the signed paper copy of the tweet to the person who tweeted it. And, in related news, there’s a fucking ‘Like’ button!!!!!!

30. A Michigan man was sentenced to 60 days in jail, to be served on weekends, for poisoning his wife’s coffee. That story again, a man in Michigan who tried to poison his wife has been sentenced to spend every weekday with her.

February 25, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. In honor of the upcoming summit in Vietnam between President Trump and North Korean leader Kim Jong Un, a Hanoi barber is offering free haircuts to anyone wanting to copy Trump or Jong Un’s hairstyles. That story again, barber in Vietnam is overcharging for his work. 

2. In a recent interview, boxer Manny Pacquiao said he doesn’t want his 18-year-old son Jimuel to be a boxer because it is a tough and dangerous profession. And if you want proof that its a dangerous sport, Pacquiao doesn’t eve have a son.

3. According to a new book, President Trump and First Lady Melania were seen at Mar-A-Lago on Thanksgiving holding hands and “kissing as if nobody else existed.” Of course, pretending like no one else exists is the only way to get Melania to kiss Donald.

4.  According to a new book, President Trump and First Lady Melania were seen at Mar-A-Lago on Thanksgiving holding hands and “kissing as if nobody else existed.” Don’t believe it? Here’s a picture someone took of them holding hands:

5. According to ‘The New York Times,’ democratic presidential hopeful Amy Klobuchar once ate a salad with a comb. “A what?” said Trump of ‘a salad’ and Bernie Sanders of ‘a comb.’ 

6. Last week, an unopened copy of the first Super Mario Brothers Nintendo video game sold at auction for $100,000. “If things are more valuable if they’ve never been touched or played with, then I must be worth a fortune,” said every guy at that auction.

7. The Vatican has revealed that it maintains secret guidelines for priests who father children despite their vows of celibacy. Those guidelines include: giving the child up for adoption, limiting contact with the mother, and, if the child is a boy, not allowing him to be around the other priests.

8. Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg took the bench at the Supreme Court Tuesday morning first time since she announced she’d undergone surgery in December for cancer. Or, as Justice Brett Kavanaugh, “Cool! Finally breaking up this sausage party, bro.”

9. Last week, Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio Cortez compared President Trump’s border wall to the Berlin Wall. If you remember, David Hasselhoff sang at the Berlin Wall when it was taken down, so if that’s what it takes to prevent the border wall from being built, it’s not worth it.

10. Mattel and National Geographic have teamed up to create an astrophysicist Barbie doll. So if you like astrophysics and you like women who don’t speak up when you touch them, hi Neil deGrasse Tyson.

11. According to reports, Hillary Clinton recently held meetings with former Vice President Joe Biden and Senator Amy Klobuchar to talk about the 2020 presidential election. Not be outdone, President Trump recently held meetings with literally anyone who would listen to talk about the 2016 presidential election.

12. According to new research, the average female friendship has a life span of 16 years. But only 12 years with that bitch Diane.

August 17, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. This week, 933 people in California set a Guinness World Record for the most people making slime. While Steve Bannon still holds the record for most slime made by one person:

2. According to new research, after sex, men can sometimes experience a myriad of confusing negative feelings, a phenomenon called post-coital dysphoria. Or, as it’s more commonly known, a case of the “I should get goings.”

3. This week Vice President Mike Pence appeared in Iowa to give a speech on taxes. The speech got off to a rough start when no one could figure which one of them was Mike Pence:

4. According to sources, Donald Trump Jr.’s girlfriend, former Fox News host Kimberly Guilfoyle, refers to him as “Junior Mint.” And, for obvious reasons, she refers to Eric as “Baby Ruth”:

5. During a speech on Wednesday, New York Governor Andrew Cuomo said America “was never that great.” Spoken like a man who has been to Jersey.

6. Doctors in the U.K. found a contact lens in a woman’s eye that had been embedded there for over twenty-eight years. Said the woman, “Can you do anything about the tampon I lost thirty years ago?”

7. In her new book, former White House aide Omarosa Manigault Newman claims she saw President Trump eat a piece of paper after meeting with his personal lawyer. Begging the question, can you eat a tape?:

8. President Trump’s campaign has filed suit against former White House aide Omarosa Manigault Newman for allegedly violating a nondisclosure agreement. “Whahhh, nom-dusclusore agrumen?” asked Omarosa:

9. John Lennon’s son, Sean Lennon posted a selfie on Monday with Paul McCartney’s son, James McCartney. They tried to post a second selfie, but Yoko Ono’s daughter showed up and stopped it.

10. Former NBA All Star Kobe Bryant’s six million dollar investment in sports drink company BodyArmor is now reportedly worth two-hundred million dollars. “Wait, are your investments supposed to go up in value?” said the owner of the New York Knicks.

11. On Wednesday, Corey Lewandowski, President Trump’s former campaign manager, appeared on multiple TV outlets to tout the benefits of T-Mobile’s bid to acquire Sprint. It’s all part of Sprint’s plan to have a spokesperson more hated than the “Can You Hear Me Now” guy.

12. According to a new study, state laws designed to increase teen vaccination against HPV don’t appear to influence adolescents’ choices about whether to become sexually active. That study again, teenage boys still horny.

13. Magician and former “Celebrity Apprentice” contestant Penn Jillette recently claimed he heard President Trump make racially insensitive comments while on set, including the n-word. Even worse, that’s the only word that Teller says:

14. According to newly released statistics, President Trump has spent a quarter of his presidency at a Trump-branded golf resort. Even more concerning, Trump has spent the other 75% at the White House.

15. Florida Senator Bill Nelson told the Tampa Bay Times on Wednesday that Russian operatives have penetrated some of Florida’s election systems and could delete registered voters ahead of the November elections. Also deleting Florida voters from the rolls ahead of the election, this guy:

16. Director Spike Lee says he wants President Trump to see his new movie “BlacKkKlansman.” Said Trump, “You had me at ‘Klansman’ and lost me at ‘Black.’”

17. Last Friday night, President Trump had dinner with Apple CEO Tim Cook. The get-together marks the first time Trump has ever had a meal that involved any kind of fruit.

18. A chain of Detroit area gas stations is facing a lawsuit claiming they have been selling men’s Viagra without a prescription and telling them the drug is an all-natural male enhancement pill. Giving new meaning to the phrase “Fill her up.”

April 20, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. CIA Director Mike Pompeo made a secret visit to North Korea over Easter weekend and met with North Korean leader Kim Jong Un. The two discussed important matters including denuclearizing North Korea, escalating tensions with South Korea, and wider shirt collars:

2. Toyota plans to start selling cars that can talk to each other using short-range wireless technology by 2021. They will be able to relay messages like “Move aside,” “Slow down ahead” and “Everyone look out, Caitlyn Jenner is driving me.”

3. An 18-year-old has started a GoFundMe so he can achieve his dream of taking a bath in KFC gravy. “You gotta dream bigger,” said Chris Christie:

4. On Tuesday, former First Lady Barbara Bush died at the age of 92. She is survived by by her husband, the 41st President of the United States, the 43rd Vice President of the United States, a former Congressman and director of the CIA, George H.W. Bush, her son, the 43rd President of the United States and former Governor of Texas, George W. Bush and Jeb.

5. President Trump’s personal lawyer was forced on Monday to reveal in court that Fox News personality Sean Hannity was also one of his clients. Finally answering the question, how bad are your other clients that you’re willing to be known as “Donald Trump’s lawyer”?

6. Senator Tammy Duckworth made history on Thursday as she became the first senator to cast a vote on the Senate floor with her newborn by her side. Although it’s not the first time a baby has been on the floor of the Senate:

7. After being suspended for violating the NFL’s performance-enhancing drug policy on Friday, former New York Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez said, “I have never cheated or attempted to gain a competitive advantage.” And, you know what, I believe him:

8. Police in Kentucky say that mice are responsible for the disappearance of 1,200 ponds of marijuana. I hope that works out better for them than when my mom found my weed and I claimed it was the dog’s.

9. In James Comey’s new memoir, the former-FBI Director says President Trump is “untethered to truth.” But, that’s only because Trump only owns one tether and he’s already using it:

10. A new yoga class is being offered in New York City where people exercise with goats. “Wow, this place smells awful,” said every New Yorker, all the time, everywhere.

11. It was revealed in court on Monday that Donald Trump’s personal lawyer Michael Cohen also represents Fox News host Sean Hannity. Setting up the most impossible ‘marry, fuck, kill’ ever.

12. Monday night, in response to Michael Cohen revealing that Sean Hannity is his client, Hannity played a clip on his TV show of multiple newscasters saying his name over and over again. Which, coincidentally, is the only way Hannity can climax.

13. The reporter who uncovered the Bill O’Reilly sexual harassment cover-up scandal received a Pulitzer Prize on Monday for her work. Luckily the Pulitzer comes with a trophy, a cash prize and a lifetime supply of Purell.

14. New York’s attorney general on Wednesday asked Governor Andrew Cuomo to give him the power to bring criminal charges against people pardoned by President Trump. In response, President Trump pardoned Hillary.

15. President Donald Trump has requested an extension for filing his 2017 income tax return. Asked why he delayed paying his taxes, President Trump said, “I don’t want to give my money to this incompetent administration.”

16. Saudi Arabia launched its first movie theater on Wednesday, ending a nearly 40-year ban on cinemas. And, somehow the floors were already sticky.

17. White House national security adviser John Bolton told Russia’s ambassador on Thursday that better relations between the two countries required addressing U.S. concerns on election meddling, a chemical attack in Britain, and the situations in Ukraine and Syria. Then his Russian-counterpart said, “Yeah, I don’t think so”:

18. In his recently released book, former FBI head James Comey compared President Trump to a mob boss. But, instead of sleeping with the fishes, Trump falls asleep after Filet-o-Fishes.

December 22, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. The Trump administration has told agencies within the Department of Health and Human Services to avoid using certain words or phrases in official documents, including ‘diversity,’ ‘transgender’ and ‘science-based.’ But Trump more than anyone should know ignoring something and not calling it by name won’t make it go away:eric trump1

2. An extensive review of research on exercise, nutritional supplements, drugs and brain-training techniques concludes there is no definitive evidence that any of them protect against dementia. Also, twelve Diet Cokes a day isn’t helping either.

3. The new Donald Trump robot was unveiled this week at Disney’s Hall of Presidents, with robotic George Washington introducing him. Washington’s exact words are, “Get a load of this asshole.”

4. Roy Moore, who has still not conceded his loss in the Alabama Senate race, is asking supporters for $75,000 to investigate “voter fraud.” Seems like someone should tell Roy that it’s not voter fraud, black people are allowed to vote.

5. Singer Lady Gaga announced on Wednesday that she will stage a nightly show at the MGM hotel in Las Vegas for the next two years. “Word of advice,” said fellow Las Vegas resident Roy, “leave your meat suit at home”: roy gaga

6. A couple in Tennessee recently gave birth to a baby girl from an embryo that was frozen twenty-four years ago. That means that newborn baby is also somehow 24-years-old and thus legal, or, as it’s otherwise known, Roy Moore’s perfect woman.

7. The White House announced that President Trump will undergo a physical examination early next year and the results will be released to the public. “I can’t wait to see that,” said everyone but the doctor.

8. A California couple was arrested on Tuesday for trying to sell their own kids for drugs. “That’s ambitious,” said President Trump: white house

9. According to a newly released poll, Hillary Clinton’s favorability rating has hit a new low of 36%. Man, at this rate, she’s never gonna win the 2016 presidential election.

10. A federal judge ruled on Monday that President Trump’s administration must allow access to abortion for two pregnant teenagers who are in the country illegally. Or, as the Trump administration spun it, good news, there will be two less illegal immigrants in this country.

11. Cincinnati Bengals rookie running back Joe Mixon bought $200,000 worth of jewelry before he was drafted. Because, if you’re a Bengal and want a ring, you’re gonna have to buy it.

12. On Tuesday, ‘Variety’ reported that Nick Cannon will write and direct a movie about women’s basketball entitled “She Ball” co-starring Chris Brown. Said the studio exec who green-lit the movie, “I’m trying to get fired.”

13. On Tuesday, ‘Variety’ reported that Nick Cannon will write and direct a movie about women’s basketball entitled “She Ball” co-starring Chris Brown. Great news for anyone who loved ‘Juwanna Mann’ but always wished it was somehow worse.

14. The new Donald Trump robot was unveiled this week at Disney’s Hall of Presidents. Unfortunately the robot keeps trying to get the women who work at Epcot’s Russia pavilion to go on ‘Splash Mountain’ with him.

15. On Wednesday, Catt Sadler, co-host of two shows on E!, left the company after twelve years after she learned that E! was paying her half as much as her male co-host. Congratulations to Sadler who now earns the same amount of money as a male host, unfortunately that male host is Billy Bush.

16. This week, Major League Soccer announced that a new expansion team has been awarded to the city of Nashville. So, if you were looking for a reason to visit Nashville, keep looking.

17. People are suggesting that the logo for the 2018 World Chess Championship resembles two people having sex. Begging the question, if you know what sex looks like, what are you doing at a chess championship?

18. In a cabinet meeting on Wednesday, Vice President Mike Pence praised Donald Trump every 12.5 seconds for three minutes straight. Pence would have kept going, but Trump had already climaxed by then.

August 7, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Sunday, Vice President Mike Pence called the rumors that he is preparing for a 2020 presidential run “offensive” and “disgraceful.” Pence was either upset or giving a sneak peak at a possible 2020 re-election slogan:

2. Over the weekend, Russian President Vladimir Putin stripped to his waist and went fishing in the Siberian wilderness. Which of course means Trump will have to redecorate the Lincoln bedroom:

3. On Saturday, President Trump tweeted that his 17-day trip to his golf club in New Jersey is “not a vacation.” “Maybe not for you,” said his staff that remained in D.C.

4. In a new interview, New York Knick Carmelo Anthony said he has had “great conversations” with the team and “they know what I’m looking for.” Yeah, we all do:

5. This week it was announced that the popular basketball video game ‘NBA LIVE 18’ will feature WNBA players for the first time ever. “Oh, no, MOTHER!” yelled Mike Pence:

6. A blind man in the U.K. was able to watch his favorite soccer team for the first time in twenty-seven years thanks to a new pioneering technology. “Have they developed the reverse technology?” asked Jets fans who can see.

7. Outgoing Press Secretary Sean Spicer reportedly gave his family a tour of the White House last week. Said Spicer, “I cried in that closet. I cried in that closet. See that bush of there? Cried in it.”

8. On Friday night, a Matchbox Twenty concert in Arizona was delayed due to bees. And then, to make matters worse, once the bees disappeared, the concert went on as planned.

9. Last week, millions of bubbles floated across Hong Kong’s Victoria Harbor as part of a public art exhibit. Oh, sure, when they do it it’s art, but when I do it I’m “no longer welcomed at that public pool.”

10. A soccer club in the U.K. has fired its cheerleaders for being too distracting. Although, to be fair, anything is distracting when the only other option is watching soccer.

June 12, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. New York’s Shakespeare in the Park is putting on a production of “Julius Casear” in which the ancient assassinated Roman leader resembles President Trump. They’ve taken some real liberties with the original text, for instance, they changed the iconic line to “beware the frieds of starch”:

2. On Friday, in response to the U.S. pulling out the Paris Climate Accord, Germany’s Environmental Minister said that the climate will last longer than the Trump presidency. But to be fair, I think I have some milk in my fridge that will outlast the Trump presidency.

3. Vice President Mike Pence’s family cat, Oreo, died last week. Eric and Don Jr. have been named as ‘persons of interest’:

4. According to Nielsen data, Former FBI Director James Comey’s testimony before Congress last week drew 19.5 million viewers. Said President Trump, “That’s nothing! My obstruction of justice trial will bring in way more!”

5. When asked on Friday what advice she would give President Trump, democratic Congresswoman Nancy Pelosi said he should get some more sleep. Which doesn’t make sense, because under that logic, Ben Carson would be our best president ever:

6. While giving a graduation speech in Brooklyn last week, Hillary Clinton said, “I wish I had flown in from the White House.” “Flying away from the White House is my favorite part too,” said Trump:

7. The 2020 Summer Olympics in Tokyo have added 15 events, including six events that involve men and women competing on mixed teams. Or, as Mike Pence refers to it, adultery.

8. Attorney General Jeff Sessions said on Saturday that he will appear before the Senate Intelligence Committee on Tuesday. Looks like they’re already preparing for his testimony:

9. The inventor of the Hawaiian pizza died over the weekend at the age of 83. To make sure his body stays fresh, they put one of these in his casket:

10. Saturday night, President Trump crashed a wedding that was being held at his golf club in New Jersey. Because, if we know one thing about Trump, it’s that he likes attending weddings:

May 5, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Today, Vice President Mike Pence will host a Cinco de Mayo celebration at the White House. The only way picking Pence for that job makes sense is if they thought ‘Mayo’ was short for mayonnaise.

2. According to reports, the first call President Trump made after the House repealed Obamacare yesterday was to Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell to tell him the “ball’s in your court now.” And, from the look of him, in his neck as well:

3. According to sources, while meeting with religious leaders at the White House yesterday, President Trump held up a copy of ‘the New York Times’ and bragged about all the good coverage his daughter Ivanka was getting. He also bragged about his son Eric by holding up his most recent finger-painting.

4. According to sources, while meeting with religious leaders at the White House yesterday, President Trump held up copy of ‘the New York Times’ and bragged about all the good coverage his daughter Ivanka was getting. “Jesus Christ,” said everyone in the room.

5. Yesterday, President Trump returned to New York City for the first time since taking office. A lot has changed since the last time he was there including the color of the leaves on the trees and the locks on the door to the apartment he shares with Melania.

6. Florida authorities have charged a woman with prostitution after she agreed to perform a sex act on an undercover detective for $25 and Chicken McNuggets. Or, as Charlie Sheen calls it, a dinner date.

7. It was announced this week that Joe Scarborough and Mika Brzezinski, co-hosts of MSNBC’s ‘Morning Joe,’ are engaged. So, you’re move Matt Lauer and Al Roker.

8. An Egyptian woman, believed to be the world’s heaviest woman, left an Indian hospital on Thursday more than 600 pounds lighter. Although, technically, she didn’t leave the building, they found it easier to leave her in one place and move the hospital.

9. Twitter has reached an agreement to stream live WNBA games next season. Thus providing sports fans a new way to completely ignore women’s basketball.

10. According to ‘the Washington Post,’ President Trump has mentioned the election results on 68 of the 176 days since the election. Presumably because the other 108 days he was too busy golfing.

11. A Queens man is memorializing his lifelong friend, a plumber, by flushing his cremated remains into the pipes of baseball stadiums across the country. Here’s a picture of the guy:

12. A Queens man is memorializing his lifelong friend, a plumber, by flushing his cremated remains down the toilets of baseball stadiums across the country. Or, more likely, a dead plumber thought he had a better friend.

13. On Tuesday, Venezuelan President Nicolas Maduro called for a rewrite of the country’s Constitution which he said would quell protests. “A president can do that?” asked Trump.

14. A woman in Florida was arrested for assaulting a man who refused to stop playing a xylophone. “Fuck,” said the officer who had to write up that police report.

15. On Monday, Secretary of Commerce, Wilbur Ross, referred to President Trump ordering the Syrian missile strike while eating at Mar-a-Lago as “after dinner entertainment.” Which is why I wanted Chris Christie to be president, because there’s never any after dinner entertainment when you can’t figure out when one meal ends and the next begins.

16. According to a White House official, Ivanka Trump will review some executive orders before her father signs them. And, in future news, President Trump has declared war on Nordstroms.

17. White House budget director Mick Mulvaney accused Democrats on Tuesday of trying to make President Trump look bad and added that a government shutdown fight be inevitable if they do not act better. Adding, “I swear to God I’ll turn this car around!”

18. Over the weekend, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie was spotted at a highway rest-stop waiting in line at a Cinnabon. So, my apologies to the people behind Christie in line who never even had a chance at getting a cinnamon bun.

19. Researchers have discovered the some female dragonflies pretend to be dead to avoid male dragonflies. “Trust me, I’ve tried,” said Melania.

20. In a recent interview, President Trump said he is both “a nationalist and a globalist.” I guess I never really looked at those hats close enough:

21. According to reports, President Trump reversed his position on NAFTA after his Secretaries of Commerce and Agriculture showed him a map of the U.S. and pointed out the areas that would be affected. Said Trump, “There’s a north Dakota, too!?!”

22. An Alabama woman claims she choked on a condom in her French toast at a local IHOP. Even worse, the condom was sticky, and she hadn’t even poured the syrup on yet.


23. Molly, a Jack Russell terrier, has undergone gender reassignment in a rare operation after vets discovered she was a hermaphrodite. As a result, Molly has no idea which fire hydrant to use in North Carolina.

24. The EPA removed most climate change information from its website Friday, saying in a press release that language on the website is being updated to “reflect the approach of new leadership.” Begging the question, can a website just be a fart noise.

25. Last week, a New York man in need of brake lines crashed his car into an auto parts store. As a result, there are only two Pep Boys now.