March 16, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. Doctors who transplanted a complete penis onto a wounded soldier reported Wednesday that the man has regained near-normal erections and the ability to achieve orgasm more than one year after the surgery was completed. Said the soldier, “Please, just say normal erections.” 

2. A man was sentenced to thirty days in jail for posting a video of himself removing an ice cream container from a Texas market, licking the contents, and returning it to the freezer. “So I hear you like licking things,” said his cellmate.

3. Footwear company Crocs has announced a new collaboration with candy-maker Peeps to release brightly-colored clogs featuring chicks and bunnies for Easter. Hey, just because Jesus died for our sins doesn’t mean you should just walk around sinning.

4. This week, PGA Commissioner Jay Monahan said that Disneyland closing tis doors s prompted PGA Tour to do the same. And it’s not the first time golf has followed trends set by Disney:

5. Last week, Senator Ted Cruz announced that he will self-quarantine himself after interacting with an individual who tested positive for the novel coronavirus at the recent Conservative Political Action Conference. “Oh, man, I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy,” said people after hearing that someone interacted with Ted Cruz.

6. Earlier this month, singer Justin Bieber turned 26. Which is apparently that weird age where you look like both the victim and the pedophile:

7. It was announced last week that Hachette Book Group was considering publishing director Woody Allen’s memoir. Here’s a first look at the cover:

8. Last weekend, presidential candidate Bernie Sanders held a rally featuring the rap group Public Enemy and actor Dick van Dyke. The crowd was a little taken aback by all the swearing and then Pubic Enemy took the stage.

9. Last week, Harvey Weinstein’s lawyers said that he’ll die behind bars if sentenced to more than five years. Said the judge, “You promise?”

10. A New Mexico woman faces charges after police say she stole a car and later tried to claim she was Beyonce. Authorities became suspicious when they noticed that ‘Beyonce’ was driving a Kia Sorento.

11. The Cleveland Browns are increasing their efforts to help stop the spread of coronavirus by announcing a work-from-home policy. Which seems pointless, the Browns never show up on game day anyway.

12. Oscar-winning actor Tom Hanks announced on Twitter that he’s tested positive for the coronavirus. Good lord, not beloved character actor Tom Hanks, someone send the National Guard to Betty White’s house.

13. The Trump campaign has reportedly canceled a Women for Trump bus tour due to concerns over the coronavirus. Or, more likely, they realized that it probably wasn’t a great idea to remind women of Trump’ behavior on buses:

14. According to reports, President Trump’s campaign strategy is to paint his potential opponent, former Vice President Joe Biden, as senile. Said Joe, “I love painting!”

15. According to reports, President Trump’s campaign strategy is to paint his potential opponent, former Vice President Joe Biden, as senile. And, if history is any guide, you can do that by just giving him an opened umbrella:

16. According to research, a new type of therapy using feces and fake rubber hands may be able to help patients with obsessive compulsive disorder overcome their fears of touching contaminated surfaces. Which doesn’t seem like something we should be trying to cure right now.

17. Last week, students at Penn State held a candle-light vigil for a campus Taco Bell that’s closing. Marking the first time anyone has ever lit a candle before eating Taco Bell:

18. A new dating app has launched in the UK for men with penises that are smaller than the global average. It’s just like Tinder except you’re disappointed before you even meet the guy.

19. In response to price-gauging, New York state said they will be producing their own hand sanitizer. Word of caution, if you run into this man on the Q train, he does not work for the state and that’s not hand sanitizer he’s producing:

20. Donald Trump Jr. wants to debate Hunter Biden on who’s benefited more from their dads. It will be there first debate where legally every answer has to start with “Actually.”

January 20, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. Madame Tussauds waxwork museum in London announced last week that it had removed figures of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle from their royal exhibit. The last time a room full of royals cleared out that quickly the Queen ripped a mean one. 

2. Actress Gwyneth Paltrow is selling a candle that she claims smells like her vagina. And if you purchase that candle you can expect to hear a lot of questions like ‘Why did you buy this?’ and ‘How did this happen?’ and ‘Are you cooking fish?’ 

3. Boxer Tyson Fury revealed this week that he has been preparing for an upcoming fight by masturbating seven times a day. So, yeah, that’s not a spit bucket. 

4. Boxer Tyson Fury revealed this week that he has been preparing for an upcoming fight by masturbating seven times a day. Begging the question, who is my thirteen-year-old nephew training to fight? 

5. Five California mountain lions were seen together on home surveillance video this week. It’s the most disturbing grouping of large cats since:

6. A German Shepherd in North Carolina gave birth to a green puppy last week. “I know what you’re thinking,” said the family’s pet turtle. 

7. Chris Beart, the rapper who cut off his own penis before jumping off a two-story building in 2014, recently got married. Said the groomsman who disapproved of the marriage, “This is going to be the second worst decision you’ve ever made.”

8. A new study found no strong evidence linking baby powder to ovarian cancer. Great news for LeBron James’ ovaries:

9. Prince Harry and Meghan Markle announced last week that they will be “stepping back” from their role as royals, moving to America, and “will work to become financially independent.” That story again, Harry will be answering to a new King:

10. Last week, a Florida man pled guilty to a trafficking scheme in which live water monitor lizards were concealed inside electronic equipment and smuggled from the Philippines into the U.S. Which explains why my fax machine just ate my cat.

11. Police in Florida are seeking help locating a burglar who broke into a house and told the owners he was “there to suck toes.” That story again, Quentin Tarantino is apparently scouting filming locations in Florida.

12. Scientists recently conducted a study in which they put 3D glasses on cuttlefish and showed them film clips. The study found that if you put 3D glasses on cuttlefish for a long enough period you’ll lose your job as a scientist.

13. Last week, Georgia authorities say a man broke into a Taco Bell restaurant, prepared food, and took a nap inside. The man made a meal and took a nap or, as President Trump refers to it, a full workday.

14. According to a new study, older people who frequent art galleries and museums and attend the theater may live longer than those who don’t. “Strongly disagree?” said the ghost of Lincoln.

15. It was revealed this week that the New York Public Library’s most checked-out book of all time is the children’s book “The Snowy Day.” While the Library’s least checked-out book, “The Erotic Tales of Wilford Brimley.”

16. Monday night, the LSU Tigers beat the Clemson Tigers 42-25 to win the college football National Championship. It’s the first time a tiger beat itself since:

17. According to a new study, Mars is losing water quicker than expected. That story again, Mars is still more inhabitable than Flint, Michigan.

18. On Monday, the Cleveland Browns named Kevin Stefanski their new head coach because, I assume, he was the last one to say ‘Not it.’

19. A Florida woman was arrested this week for building a bomb in a Walmart from items she found in the store. So, just one item?:

20. Last week, a man asked a court to grant his motion for trial by combat so he can meet his ex-wife and her attorney “on the field of battle.” “Hey at least I asked the court ahead of time this time,” said O.J.

December 23, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. Hundreds of crazed Ryan Reynolds fans in South America pushed through a barricade to get to actor. That story again, apparently the movie ‘Green Lantern’ was never released in South America. 

2. Dozens of Indonesians took part in a shouting competition in the capital Jakarta last week. So hopefully all those long nights of practice paid off, couple who live in the apartment next to me. 

3. Police say a man crammed thirty bags of frozen shrimp down his pants in burglaries at multiple California grocery stores. Shouted the man as they put him in the police car, “Tell everyone that they were jumbo shrimp!” 

4. Last week it was announced that guitarist John Frusciante is rejoining the Red Hot Chili Peppers, a few years after he left the band. Turns out he wasn’t a great fit at his office job:

 5. In an apparent effort to escalate their feud, rapper Nick Cannon claimed last week that there is a video of Eminem ‘sucking a cock.’ Even more embarrassing, there are multiple videos of Nick Cannon sucking at rap.

6. According to a new study, athletes have healthier brains and, as a result, can hear better. “What did you say?” said every member of the Knicks.

7. Last week, Merriam-Webster’s dictionary named ‘they’ as their word of the year. Because apparently ‘Baby Yoda’ is two words.

8. Last week, Merriam-Webster’s dictionary named ‘they’ as their word of the year. Further proof that this year has really fucking sucked.

9. The Justice Department recently announced that it will review plans by Google to buy fitness tracker Fitbit. Said the DOJ to Google, “Are you really going to use it? Or is just gonna end up in a drawer somewhere?”

10. According to reports, President Trump is likely to nominate Hudson Institute CEO Kenneth Weinstein as his new ambassador to Japan. The ambassador said he is honored to have the position and will do his best not to ruin the good ‘Weinstein’ name.

11. Over the weekend, the U.S. golf team, led by Tiger Woods, won the Presidents Cup. Although anyone with $1.99 to spare, can get the same cup as the President:

12. On Tuesday, Joe Biden’s doc said the former Vice President is healthy enough to undertake the duties of the presidency. Actually, his exact words were, “Well if that guy can do it”:

13. President Trump on Tuesday issued a stark warning to congressional Democrats, saying that if they pursue impeachment against him they will be “declaring war on American democracy.” Said Nancy Pelosi:

14. Artist Simone Fugazzotto defended on Tuesday a widely criticized anti-racism campaign launched by Italy’s Serie A soccer league which features his paintings of apes. Said the artist, “What does ‘anti’ mean?”

15. A duck in the U.K. had to have its penis removed recently after it began attempting to mate with females up to ten times per day. And, just like that, I believe in reincarnation:

16. According to the Center for Disease Control, puppies purchased from pet stores have been linked to bacterial infection outbreak in over thirty states. “So, you’re welcome?” said Michael Vick.

17. Thousands of Liberian immigrants will be eligible to apply for green cards and eventual U.S. citizenship under the terms of a defense spending bill passed by the Senate on Tuesday. Or at least until President Trump realizes they are talking about African immigrants and not librarians.

18. During a rally theis past week, President Trump joked that former Congressman John Dingell, who died in February, might be in hell. “You don’t have to die to find yourself in hell,” said Melania.

November 4, 2019 – Monologues Jokes

1. The makers of the board game Clue have announced that the game’s next edition will be the first to feature a bathroom as a possible crime scene. As in, “Professor Plum, in the bathroom, one hour after eating Chipotle.” 

2. On Wednesday, President Trump and First Lady Melania Trump hosted trick-or-treaters at the White House and gave out full-sized Hershey bars. Or, at least, they looked full-size in Trump’s hands: 

3. According to a new study, construction workers are more likely to use cocaine than other profession. But I assume that’s because no one considers being a DJ a profession. 

4. Thursday night, President Trump said he is changing his primary residence from New York to Florida. He also added, “Please don’t tell Eric.”

5. Washington Redskins Pro Bowl tackle Trent Williams says he no longer trusts the organization after team doctors failed to detect a cancerous growth on his scalp. Wow, that’s terrible, I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy, having to play for the Redskins. 

6. Tiger Woods matched Sam Snead’s record of 82 PGA Tour victories when he won a golf tournament in Japan last week. The last time Tiger finished first in Asia, Asia had just gotten off her shift at the Waffle House. 

7. In a recent interview, singer Marie Osmond, of Donnie & Marie fame, admitted that when she was younger she thought she was gay. The biggest warning sign, she liked Donnie & Marie. 

8. Singer Lady Gaga recently tweeted “Fame is Prison.” “I’ll let you know if that’s an accurate comparison in a couple of weeks,” said Aunt Becky. 

9. Republican Senator Mitt Romney recently admitted to running a secret Twitter account under the alias ‘Pierre Delecto.’ And you gotta give it to him, it’s not easy to come up with a name stupider than Mitt Romney.

10. Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders recently held a campaign rally in Queens that attracted more than 26,000 supporters. “We didn’t even realize 26,000 people lived in Queens,” said the Mets.

11. According to a new study, men who eat a heart-healthy diet may have better quality sperm than their peers who dine mostly on junk food. Yeah, no shit:

12. Last week, President Trump downplayed the possibility of throwing out the first pitch of a World Series game by saying, “They gotta dress me up in a lot of heavy armor. I’ll look too heavy. I don’t like that.” Begging the question, is he always wearing body armor?

13. According to a new report, doctors should always ask for a child’s consent before treating them. “But that just applies to doctors, right?” asked Jerry Sandusky.

14. The whistleblower whose complaint led to the impeachment inquiry against President Trump has offered to answer written questions from Republicans on the House Intelligence Committee. Questions like “How did you stand up to Trump?” and “What’s it like to have a backbone?”

15. In a recent interview, Kanye West said God rewarded him with a $68 million tax refund because he became a born-again Christian. “Yes, it’s definitely Jesus’s doing,” said his undoubtedly Jewish accountant.

16. In his new book, Donald Trump Jr. said his father, President Trump, can’t be racist because, as a kid, he was allowed to play video games with Michael Jackson. Or maybe, just maybe, your father hates spending time with you more than he hates black people.

17. This week, Charmin set up a new toilet paper-dispensing kiosk in an outdoor Manhattan park. Hey, Charmin, I beg of you, stop making it easier for New Yorkers to shit in public.

18. Last week Donald Trump Jr. participated in a ribbon-cutting ceremony for a new plaza in Arizona which was named in his honor. Said the people of Arizona, “President Trump has never been more relatable now that we too have disappointingly named something Donald Trump Jr.”

May 6, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to reports, there was a spike in herpes diagnosis following the recent Coachella music festival in California. So I’m guessing John Mayer headlined Coachella this year.

2. Tiger Woods will celebrate his Masters victory and receive the nation’s highest honor for a civilian when he visits the White House and President Donald Trump on Monday. Said Mike Pence upon seeing Woods at the White House, “Oh no, Barack’s back!” 

3. A group of gynecologists is claiming that despite reports online, there is no benefit to eating human placentas. “No benefit? Really?” said a New York City man eating placenta in a subway car he had completely to himself.

4. Researchers in England have discovered trace levels of cocaine in several samples of freshwater shrimp. And, in related news, Charlie Sheen is sporting a new look:

5. This week, Thailand’s King Maha Vajiralongkorn Bodindradebayavarangkun revealed he has wed his royal consort General Suthida Vajiralongkorn Na Aydhaya and declared her queen. She attempted to take his name, but the person working the DMV died of exhaustion. 

6. According to a new survey, the Bostonian accent is the 28th sexiest accent in the world. That story again, there are apparently only 28 accents in the entire world.

7. President Trump and Democratic leaders agreed on Tuesday to spend $2 trillion on U.S. infrastructure, leaving the details of how to pay for it to another meeting. Said Trump, “I have a great idea, hear me out, Mexico.” 

8. This week. President Trump called for his administration to restrict the asylum process, issuing a presidential memorandum that proposed charging asylum-seekers a fee. Which explain why they’ve also changed the inscription on the Statue of Liberty to “Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, who also happen to have a buck fifty on them.” 

9. According to a source, Special counsel Robert Mueller expressed concerns in a letter to Attorney General William Barr that Barr’s four-page letter to Congress summarizing the “principal conclusions” of Mueller’s findings didn’t fully capture his 448-page report. But according to Barr’s summary of Mueller’s letter, Barr did a great job and is very handsome. 

10. For the first time in five years, ISIS has released what it says is a new video message from its leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi. Say what you want about ISIS, but hearing from your leader only once in five years does sound nice: 

11. According to a new report, the number of dead people on Facebook may outnumber the living within fifty years. That story again. Mark Zuckerberg’s quest for blood knows no bounds.

12. A man in Mexico had to be rescued after he accidentally trapped himself in a hole that he dug so he could spy on his ex-girlfriend. “Wait, Mexicans can dig?!?!?” asked a very worried Trump.

13. A man in Mexico had to be rescued after he accidentally trapped himself in a hole that he dug so he could spy on his ex-girlfriend. He knows that Facebook accounts are free, right?

14. A Georgia stepmother is set to become the state’s only female death row inmate after she was convicted this week. Another glass ceiling broken ladies, congrats.

15. On Wednesday, Senator Lindsey Graham admitted that he didn’t read the entire Mueller Report. Yeah, no one did:

16. On Thursday, Senator Michael Bennet of Colorado declared his candidacy for the Democratic party’s 2020 presidential nomination. And you may remember Michael Bennet from such places as the beginning of this joke and literally nowhere else.

17. Oprah Winfrey said in a recent interview that she calls Democratic presidential hopeful Pete Buttigieg “Buttabeep, Buttaboop.” She also revealed that she calls Stedman rarely.

18. A European study of nearly 1,000 gay males who had sex without condoms, where one man had HIV and was taking antiretroviral drugs to suppress it, has found the treatment can prevent sexual transmission of the virus. Said the guy who didn’t have HIV, “Wait what study?”

April 15, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. The first ever picture of a black hole was taken this week. And, purely out of reflex, Republicans tried to take away its voting rights.

2. According to a new study, 1 in 13 boys in the U.S. have sex before they reach their teenage years. Which is weird, because I thought way more boys were Catholic. 

3. A Chinese company has developed an automatic sperm extractor they say can be used in clinics to collect semen from donors who are reluctant to masturbate in a hospital setting. “Who are these men that are reluctant to masturbate in certain places?” said everyone who has every ridden the A-train.

4. A Chinese company has developed an automatic sperm extractor they say can be used in clinics to collect semen from donors who are reluctant to masturbate in a hospital setting. That story again, Lindsay Lohan is finally getting some work.

5. In a recent study, scientists created 3-D scans of dolphins’ vaginas and found that a dolphin’s clitoris is remarkably similar to a human woman’s. The study revealed a lot about the anatomy of dolphins and even more about the anatomy of those scientists’ wives.

6. After facing additional charges stemming from her role in the recent college-admissions cheating scandal, actress Lori Loughlin has reportedly reached out to Lindsay Lohan’s former crisis manager for help. Said the crisis manager, “Hello, cocaine here.” 

7. On Thursday, Michael Avenatti, was indicted and charged with 36 counts of fraud, perjury, failure to pay taxes, embezzlement and other financial crimes. Which all begs the question, how was he not Trump’s lawyer?

8. According to reports, President Trump recently told his aides that White House adviser Stephen Miller is in charge of all immigration and border issues. The way immigration will now work is you’ll be able to come into the country if you can answer all three of Miller’s riddles:

9. This week, Congressman and MIT graduate Thomas Massie attempted to discredit former Secretary of State John Kerry by getting him to admit that his bachelor’s degree in political science from Yale was not really a science degree. Begging the question, can MIT rescind a degree?

10. Xander Schauffele, who was alone atop the leaderboard for a brief moment during the  final round  of the Masters on Sunday, said falling short to Tiger Woods in a major tournament was like a dream. And I don’t know what makes me sadder for Schauffele, his heart-breaking loss or his shitty dreams.

11. Trump advisor Stephen Miller wants to hold migrants seeking asylum in what he referred to as “tent cities.” Not to be confused with fort cities, which is what Eric turned the White House situation room into:

12. According to ‘Politico,’ while on a guided tour of Mount Vernon, President Trump couldn’t understand why George Washington didn’t name the compound after himself, saying, “If he was smart, he would have put his name on it.” Which is crazy, because of all people, you’d think Trump would have learned the downside of naming things after yourself:

 13. On Tuesday, Magic Johnson announced that he is stepping down as president of basketball operations of the Los Angeles Lakers, saying “I want to go back to having fun.” Which is ironic, because having too much fun was what led to his 1991 announcement.

June 29, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Monday, Showtime announced that actor Russell Crowe will play Fox News founder Roger Ailes in a new miniseries. It is apparently the role Crowe has been preparing for for the past twelve years:

2. Brett Kavanaugh, a federal judge in Washington is the early favorite among political bettors to succeed Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy, who announced his retirement on Wednesday. So if you had Judge Brett Kavanaugh in your office Supreme Court pool, your office sucks.

3. Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders said she was kicked out of a Virginia restaurant over the weekend because she works for President Trump. Said the restaurant owner, “That’s not the case at all, we just ran out of gravy.”

4. In a recent interview, actor Seth Rogen said he refused to pose for a picture with Speaker of the House Paul Ryan. Which is a pretty big insult coming from the guy who agreed to appear in “The Guilt Trip”:

5. Over the weekend, Zsa Zsa, a 9-year-old English bulldog, won the 2018 World’s Ugliest Dog content. Zsa Zsa is so ugly other digs sniff her face.

6. Joe Jackson died on Wednesday at the age of 89. He is survived by a very relieved Tito.

7. Last week, pair of gay male swans in Austria attacked several people to protect a discarded plastic cup in their nest that they treat like an egg. The last time a parent defended a piece of garbage mistaken for a child, Don Jr. was meeting with Russian at Trump Tower.

8. NASCAR radio broadcaster Wendy Venturini is in the hospital, but is doing fine after being struck by a car on Saturday. Said Venturini, “How was I suppose to know he was going to make a left?”

9. On Monday, President Trump tweeted that the Red Hen restaurant that refused to serve Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders “badly needs a paint job.” Because if Trump knows anything, it’s that you need a new paint job every single day:

10. Astronaut Buzz Aldrin is suing two of his children and a former business manager, accusing them of slandering him by saying he has dementia. But, in their defense, when a old man shouts “I’ve been to the moon,” they tend to be crazy too.

11. A Russian company asked a federal judge on Monday to dismiss charges brought against them by Special Counsel Robert Mueller, saying Mueller was unlawfully appointed and lacks prosecutorial authority. Hey, Russia, this is a federal court, you can’t just tell them what to do, this isn’t the White House.

12. According to a new study, Chinese men consume one-third of all cigarettes worldwide. While the other two-thirds are consumed by Keith Richards:

13. Democratic Senator Claire McCaskill suffered a broken rib after choking at a Senate lunch Thursday, where her Senate colleague Joe Manchin performed the Heimlich maneuver to save her. “A liberal female politician choking, that’s kind of my thing,” said Hillary.

14. Interior Secretary Ryan Zinke on Tuesday deleted a photo of a sock he was wearing with President Donald Trump’s “Make America Great Again” campaign slogan on it after realizing he may have violated a law that prohibits federal employees from engaging in political activity. Thus marking the second time a politician got in trouble for tweeting a photo of himself wearing a sock:

15. Tiger Woods was spotted using a new putter at this week’s Quicken Loans National golf tournament. Not surprising, he’s always tinkering with his putz.

16. This week, while talking about increasing the number of judges on the border to deal with the immigration issue at a campaign rally, President Trump said “Where are you gonna find 5,000 people to be judges?” I don’t know, maybe try the alley-way behind ‘The Voice’:

17. According to ‘The New York Times,’ former Press Secretary Sean Spicer is developing a talk show. The working title is “In Two Ferns”:

18. French President Emmanuel Macron met with Pope Francis this week for 57 minutes, setting a record for the longest meeting between the Pope and a head state. A record that will be broken next week when the Pope spends a quiet weekend at a New England bed and breakfast with Justin Trudeau:

19. While visiting a migrant detention facility on the country’s southern border, First Lady Melania Trump asked a six-year-old girl, “Did you make friends?” Said the little girl, “Bitch, do you know where you are?”

20. Houston Texans wide receiver DeAndre Hopkins believes President Donald Trump doesn’t understand the complexities of the protest movement in the NFL. So I guess, just add that to the long list of things Trump doesn’t understand:

June 22, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. Last week, Attorney General Jeff Sessions cited a Bible verse to justify his policy of separating immigrant families. I have an idea, let’s tell Sessions that Church and State are from Mexico and maybe he’ll be in favor of their separation, too.

2. The New York State Assembly is considering a bill that will legalize alcoholic ice cream. That story again, apparently someone dumped the New York State Assembly.

3. A Turkish court accepted an indictment charging the father of New York Knicks center Enes Kanter with “membership in a terror group.” It’s terrible that he’s being so publicly lumped in with such a bad crowd, also that bad news about Kanter’s father too.

4. On Tuesday, President Trump tweeted out “If you don’t have Borders, you don’t have a Country.” Because if there’s one thing this guy knows about it, it’s setting boundaries:

5. After delivering a speech to a group of business owners on Tuesday, President Donald Trump hugged an American flag as he walked off stage. That story again, Michael Avenatti has a new client:

6. According to a new study, cases of syphilis reported in England have reached the highest level since 1949. “You’re welcomed,” said Collin Farrell.

7. The U.S Golf Association has issued an apology after last weekend’s broadcast of the U.S. Open picked up audio from two guys graphically describing a sexual encounter. But, that’ll happen when you make Billy Bush your caddy:

8. A Scottish man has created a donut, chicken nugget hybrid that he is calling the donug. Which means Trump’s second hand will finally be freed up to go back to tweeting:

9. Chicago Cubs pitcher Brandon Morrow was scratched from Tuesday’s game against the Dodgers because he injured his back while taking off his pants. “I know you’re excited, but the key is take them off one leg at a time,” said Morrow’s new life coach:

10. On Tuesday, President Trump accused Canada of smuggling American sneakers across the border. Which explains Jeff Session’s new immigration policy of dressing Mexican immigrants up like Nikes and busing them to Albany:

11. A hat said to been worn by Napoleon Bonaparte at Waterloo 203 years ago was sold at auction for over $400,000. “That’s a great deal, my hat cost much more than that and it’s damaged,” said the guy who bought Lincoln’s hat:

12. A Russian soccer commentator said he will no longer do World Cup matches for Russia’s biggest state-run broadcaster, four days after naming President Vladimir Putin’s biggest critic live on air. The announcer said he is retiring to spend more time with his family, once he finds out where Putin has hidden them.

13. Burger King Russia has apologized for offering a lifetime supply of Whoppers to any Russian woman who could get pregnant with the child of a World Cup player. Wow, that really is a poorly conceived promotion, if you’re asking a woman to get pregnant you definitely give away Whopper Jrs.

14. According to reports, during a tense meeting with German Chancellor Angela Merkel at the G7, President Trump reached into his pocket, pulled out two Starbursts, tossed them at Merkel and said, “Don’t say I never give you anything.” Which can only mean one thing, Trump definitely had more than two Starbursts in his pocket.

15. First Lady Melania Trump’s visit on Thursday to the Mexican border was overshadowed by a jacket she wore with the words “I really don’t care, do u?” scrawled on the back. Not to be outdone, Trump has writing on the back of all his jackets too:

16. A 3-year-old girl is safe after spending the night in a rural Missouri cornfield, with her faithful dog by her side. Said the girl, “I wouldn’t have made it without Rover, he was delicious.”

17. Phil Mickelson hit a moving ball on the 13th green during the third round of golf’s U.S. Open on Saturday. “He hit a moving ball? That’s impossible.” said every single Miami Marlin.

18. In a new interview former White House aid Steve Bannon claims that president Trump has “never told a lie.” Adding, “In fact, just the other day he told me I was very handsome and a sharp dresser”:

19. It was announced this week that Robert Patterson, the acting administrator of the Drug Enforcement Administration, will retire at the end of the month. Patterson said he wants to spend more time at home narcing on his family.

20. According to a new study, people who are married may be less likely to die from a heart attack or stroke than individuals who aren’t. “That’s a real chicken or the egg type problem for me,” said Melania.

February 23, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. A University of Arizona male cheerleader was ejected for heckling an Arizona State player during a basketball game last week. The cheerleader said being singled out was the second most embarrassing moment of his life right behind being a male cheerleader.

2. Malaysia detained rapper Namewee on Thursday over an “obscene” Lunar New Year music video depicting people in dog masks dancing in what appears to be the administrative capital of Putrajaya. And, in related news, Macklemore remains completely free.

3. On Friday, the New Yorker reported that Playboy Playmate Karen McDougal once had an affair with Donald Trump. Because, apparently, there wasn’t an option C:

4. Facebook announced that it will start using postcards sent by mail later this year to verify the identities and location of people who want to purchase U.S. election-related advertising on its site. Seems like a fool-proof plan:

5. On Wednesday, the defending NBA champion Golden State Warriors announced that they will skip the traditional White House visit and spend time with needy kids in D.C. So at least someone will be spending time with Baron.

6. Swastikas and other graffiti were discovered at the Polish Embassy in Israel on Sunday. “Can I get the name of their interior decorator,” said Mel Gibson.

7. An Israeli company, which has developed a visual aid for the blind, has completed a funding round that values the company at $1 billion. A valuation that would only make sense if the company’s aid is a seeing eye-dog wrapped in 999,999,974 dollar bills.

8. A bill has been proposed in Iceland to ban non-medically required male circumcision. Said the country’s men, “We live in Iceland, ICE-land, we need all the length we can get.”

9. Fox News announced plans to introduce a subscription fee-based streaming service for ‘superfans.’ “How do I set up a streaming service?” asked your grandparents while pushing buttons on the microwave.

10. Fox News announced plans to introduce a subscription fee-based streaming service for “superfans.” Or, if you don’t want to pay the fee, you can just wait twenty minutes and read the stories word-for-word on Trump’s Twitter feed.

11. On Tuesday, golfer Tiger Woods was named vice-captain for the U.S. team in the upcoming Ryder Cup matches. Although, technically he was named captain, everyone just assumed the vice part:

12. It was discovered this week that a dating site for President Trump supporters used a sex offender as its model. The only way this could have been more on brand for Trump is if the site also allowed you to date your own daughter.

13. This week, the mayor of Dallas urged the NRA to find another city to host its annual convention. You know things have gotten pretty bad when Texas thinks you have too many guns.

14. On Tuesday, President Trump tried to discredit a woman who accused him of kissing her in Trump Tower by saying he would never do such a thing in a pubic place surrounded by security cameras.
Because if there’s one thing Trump is good at, it’s knowing when he’s being recorded:

15. While speaking to school shooting survivors at the White House on Wednesday, President Trump was photographed holding speaking notes that read “1. What would you most want me to know about your experience?” “2. What can we do to help you feel safe?” and “5. I hear you.” But that’s not surprising, Trump has a history of using notes to remember things:

16. A family version of the New England Patriots’ Super Bowl LI championship ring with “Brady” on it sold Sunday morning for $344,927. It’s the second time this year that Brady lost a ring:

17. According to a new study, excessive alcohol use could increase your risk for all types of dementia. That story again, drinking to forget your problems works!

18. Uber is dropping a legal appeal against the introduction of more stringent English language tests for drivers in London. Drivers that fail the test will move to New York City to become taxi drivers.

November 24, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Grocery chain Trader Joe’s is recalling several prepackaged salads after a supplier said they may contain shards of glass. “It’s tearing up my insides!” said Chris Christie eating a regular salad.

2. This week, a piece of cake from Donald Trump and Melania’s 2005 wedding sold at auction for $2,240. That unbelievable story again, there was cake left over:

3. The wife of Republican Senate candidate Roy Moore said on Friday her husband would not end his campaign in the wake of sexual misconduct allegations with teenage girls. Then Mrs. Moore excused herself because she was late for trig class.

4. Last week, a Navy pilot was reprimanded after using his fighter jet to draw a giant image of a penis in the sky over a Washington town. That story again, Louis C.K. has learned to fly.

5. New York City subway conductors have been instructed to stop addressing passengers as “ladies and gentleman” in favor of more gender-neutral terms. Instead, they will go with the more inclusive, “Hey assholes.”

6. More than a dozen women have accused actor Jeremy Piven of sexual assault spanning more than thirty years. That troubling story again, we’ve allowed Jeremy Piven to have a thirty year acting career.

7. According to reports, North Korean leader Kim Jong Un has banned his people from participating in “any gathering related to drinking, singing and other entertainment.” Luckily, since they only banned entertainment, the premiere of “Justice League” was allowed to go on as planned.

8. An Alabama inmate with a “ride or die” tattoo escaped custody for the second time in less than a month this week when he took off on an electric dirt bike. Police are looking for a white male, with a “ride or die” tattoo on a dirt bike and have narrowed their search down to every guy in Alabama.

9. According to a new study, male high school athletes have higher rates of wrist injuries. Also having higher rates of wrist injuries, all guys in high school.

10. On Wednesday, the Trump Soho Hotel in New York City announced that it will drop the ‘Trump’ name. “Wait, you can just drop the Trump name?” asked Melania.

11. This week, singer Jordan Fisher won the 25th season of “Dancing with the Stars.” You might know Fisher from the previous sentence.

12. According to report, golfer Tiger Woods is waking up without pain for the first time in three years. Begging the question, what kind of parents name their daughter “Without Pain.”