1. The U.S. Coast Guard is searching off the coast of Puerto Rico for a Canadian who witnesses say jumped off a cruise ship Saturday night. The Royal Canadian Mounted Police are also aiding in the search, but the horses are not strong swimmers.
2. On Monday it was announced that former Heisman Trophy winner Tim Tebow has agreed to a multiyear deal to join ESPN as an analyst. It is a position that the charismatic quarterback will undoubtedly thrive in, that is until Peyton Manning retires and puts him out a job once again.
3. “Good Morning America” anchor Robin Roberts revealed yesterday that she is gay. Not to be outdone, Kathie Lee and Hoda totally lez-ed out on-air.
4. Health official Michelle Snyder, who oversaw the building of the troubled Obamacare website, is retiring from her job. “Wait, is that an option?” said President Obama.
5. Women over 75 who learned more about the pros and cons of mammogram screenings from their doctors were less likely to go through with the test according to a new study. Although it seems very unprofessional that under “cons” doctors listed “having to look at those puppies.”
6. Australian researchers report, women who were initially exposed to images of surgically modified female genitalia were more likely to consider them “normal” when later comparing them to natural genitalia. You can read all about it this month’s “What the Fuck was the Point of this Study? Quarterly.”
7. Health official Michelle Snyder, who oversaw the building of the troubled Obamacare website, is retiring from her job. “Those are gonna be some hard shoes to fill,” said a guy unfamiliar with that saying.
8. U.S. aviation officials took steps towards opening the skies to drones, authorizing six sites where unmanned aircrafts can be tested for a variety of uses. And, if one of those uses is surveillance, hopefully one of those sites is over my ex-girlfriend’s house.
9. On Monday, Walgreens said it will provide a month’s supply of certain prescriptions at no upfront cost to U.S. participants who have not yet received a plan ID number under Obamacare. “Oh, I think I feel my glaucoma acting up,” said millions of liars.
10. According to a new analysis, more than half of U.S. minority patients are cared for by doctors who are also minorities. So maybe now you understand our concerns with affirmative action.