December 31, 2013 – Monologue Jokes

1. The U.S. Coast Guard is searching off the coast of Puerto Rico for a Canadian who witnesses say jumped off a cruise ship Saturday night. The Royal Canadian Mounted Police are also aiding in the search, but the horses are not strong swimmers.

2. On Monday it was announced that former Heisman Trophy winner Tim Tebow has agreed to a multiyear deal to join ESPN as an analyst. It is a position that the charismatic quarterback will undoubtedly thrive in, that is until Peyton Manning retires and puts him out a job once again.

3. “Good Morning America” anchor Robin Roberts revealed yesterday that she is gay. Not to be outdone, Kathie Lee and Hoda totally lez-ed out on-air.

4. Health official Michelle Snyder, who oversaw the building of the troubled Obamacare website, is retiring from her job. “Wait, is that an option?” said President Obama.

5. Women over 75 who learned more about the pros and cons of mammogram screenings from their doctors were less likely to go through with the test according to a new study. Although it seems very unprofessional that under “cons” doctors listed “having to look at those puppies.”

6. Australian researchers report, women who were initially exposed to images of surgically modified female genitalia were more likely to consider them “normal” when later comparing them to natural genitalia. You can read all about it this month’s “What the Fuck was the Point of this Study? Quarterly.”

7. Health official Michelle Snyder, who oversaw the building of the troubled Obamacare website, is retiring from her job. “Those are gonna be some hard shoes to fill,” said a guy unfamiliar with that saying.

8. U.S. aviation officials took steps towards opening the skies to drones, authorizing six sites where unmanned aircrafts can be tested for a variety of uses. And, if one of those uses is surveillance, hopefully one of those sites is over my ex-girlfriend’s house.

9. On Monday, Walgreens said it will provide a month’s supply of certain prescriptions at no upfront cost to U.S. participants who have not yet received a plan ID number under Obamacare. “Oh, I think I feel my glaucoma acting up,” said millions of liars.

10. According to a new analysis, more than half of U.S. minority patients are cared for by doctors who are also minorities. So maybe now you understand our concerns with affirmative action.

December 30, 2013 – Monologue Jokes

1. Cable network A&E said on Friday it will bring back family patriarch Phil Robertson to the hit reality show “Duck Dynasty” after fans protested his suspension over anti-gay remarks. This comes as especially bad news for gay ducks.

2. Chinese officials going on business overseas will no longer be able to charter planes or fly in private jets according to new guidelines announced by the country on Friday aimed at decreasing government waste. Also part of the new guidelines, no more fortune cookies.

3. If predictions hold true, Florida may soon overtake New York as the nation’s third-most populous state. “Not if I have anything to say about it,” said George Zimmerman.

4. According to a new study, changes made last year to McDonald’s Happy Meals may be helping kids to cut calories. The most important change, replacing the toy with a mirror.

5. According to new study, parents who set limits are less likely to have kids who smoke. That study again, being a parent better than not being a parent.

6. A new study suggests, men and women with severe anxiety may have a higher risk of stroke than their more relaxed counterparts. I’m sure they’ll take the news well.

7. On Saturday, the State Department said that Secretary of State John Kerry will return to Israel and the Palestinian territories for peace talks next week. And it looks like the talks have made some progress since Israel and Palestine released a joint statement saying, “Please, not that guy again.”

8. President Obama and Democrats will make a major push when Congress returns January 6 to renew expired unemployment benefits and will seek to pressure Republicans over the issue by painting them as uncaring towards the middle class. “That’s unfair,” said Republicans, “we don’t care about the lower class, too.”

9. According to a report, the world’s mobile phone carriers have failed to implement technology fixes available since 2008 that would have prevented the NSA from eavesdropping on mobile phone calls. “Ah, I believe we did that.” said AT&T. “It’s called having terrible reception. They can’t listen to calls that can’t get made.”

10. “Jersey Shore” star Jenni “JWoww” Farley announced that she and her fiancé Roger Mathews are expecting their first child together. Farley and Mathews bucked New Jersey tradition and decided to get engaged before they got pregnant.

10 Best Jokes of the Week (as decided by me, I don’t care about your opinion)

1. A new study suggests that one of the most common types of knee surgeries in the U.S. is no more effective than fake surgeries. Which is great news, because of the two procedures, only fake surgeries are covered by Obamacare.

2. “Jersey Shore” star Jenni “JWoww” Farley announced that she and her fiancé Roger Mathews are expecting their first child together. Looks like someone built up a tolerance to the Plan B pill.

3. According to a new study, children who are breastfed for more than six months scored the highest on cognitive, language and motor development tests. “But they didn’t say which six months,” said a really creepy nine-year-old.

4. Yesterday Iranian President Hassan Rouhani tweeted “May Jesus Christ, Prophet of love & peace, bless us all on this day. Wishing Merry #Christmas to those celebrating, esp Iranian Christians.” Proving that irony doesn’t translate well over Twitter.

5. A man dressed as Santa, who was giving gifts to needy children in Washington, was shot in the back by a pellet gun on Tuesday. So apparently “for goodness’ sake” wasn’t incentive enough.

6. Irish bookmaker Paddy Power has withdrawn its sponsorship of retired basketball player Dennis Rodman’s visits to North Korea, saying it regrets its decision to, in any way, involve itself with the communist nation. And there’s no better sign that you’ve made a bad decision than when even the Irish say “We don’t want any trouble here.”

7. The HPV vaccine, Gardasil, has been recalled due to glass shards in some of the vials. Although the vaccine is arguably more effective now because you’re not even concerned about contracting HPV after you’ve had sex with a girl who has a vagina full of glass.

8. Atlanta zoo officials said last week that giant twin panda cubs, the first to be born and survive in the U.S., have both turned out to be girls. Even, worse, they were wearing the exact same thing.

9. A blind man and his black lab service dog fell onto subway tracks, but escaped unharmed last week after an alert MTA employee instructed them to dock ahead of an oncoming train. Not sure what’s more surprising, that there was an alert MTA employee or that the train was on time.

10. Apopka, Florida’s 93-year-old mayor John Land, believed to be the country’s oldest mayor, is seeking re-election for a 20th term in office. Or, as he is known in Florida, Young John.

December 27, 2013 – Monologue Jokes

1. A new study suggests that one of the most common types of knee surgeries in the U.S. is no more effective than fake surgeries. Which is great news, because of the two procedures, only fake surgeries are covered by Obamacare.

2. According to a new national poll, Hillary Clinton and Chris Christie would be neck and neck if the 2016 Presidential election were held today. This comes as great news to Christie, who hasn’t seen his neck in years.

3. “Jersey Shore” star Jenni “JWoww” Farley announced that she and her fiancé Roger Mathews are expecting their first child together. “Are you sure it’s Roger’s?” said half of New Jersey.

4. “Jersey Shore” star Jenni “JWoww” Farley announced that she and her fiancé Roger Mathews are expecting their first child together. Looks like someone built up a tolerance to the Plan B pill.

5. A man wearing women’s clothing breached a fence and walked onto a runway at Newark airport Christmas day. Although if you have a better way to welcome people to New York City I’d love to hear it.

6. A man wearing women’s clothing breached a fence and walked onto a runway at Newark airport Christmas day. But, if you don’t want this type of thing to happen again in the future maybe stop calling them “runways.”

7. Russian figure skating superstar Yevgeny Plushenko said on Wednesday he will not compete for the gold medal at the Sochi Olympics after he came in second at the national championships. “Oh No! I mean, who cares about men’s figure skating? Definitely not me … Please don’t deport me,” said suspiciously single men all over Russia.

8. According to a new study, more strain at work might mean more illness in old age. So, Kim Kardashian is going to live forever.

9. Former NSA contractor Edward Snowden said in an interview published on Tuesday that he has accomplished what he set out to do. Although, I’m pretty sure there’s an easier way to get a trip to Russia.

10. Miley Cyrus’s latest music video, which features the singer in just her underwear, leaked online hours before its scheduled release on Thursday. Which seems fitting since the video itself will undoubtedly cause its fair share of premature leaking, as well.

December 26, 2013 – Monologue Jokes

1. A high volume of holiday packages overwhelmed shipping company UPS, the company said on Wednesday, delaying the arrival of Christmas presents globally. So with all due respect to Megyn Kelly, if Christmas presents are late worldwide maybe Santa is black.

2. According to a new study, children who are breastfed for more than six months scored the highest on cognitive, language and motor development tests. “But they didn’t say which six months,” said a really creepy nine-year-old.

3. 3. Teenage pop star Justin Bieber sent out a series of mixed messages over his Twitter feed on Christmas Eve, one of which said he was retiring. “Now do you believe in Jesus?” said the Pope.

4. After sending out a retirement tweet, pop singer Justin Bieber backtracked by saying “I’m never leaving” and “I’M HERE FOREVER.” And, with any luck, “here” means Canada.

5. Yesterday Iranian President Hassan Rouhani tweeted “May Jesus Christ, Prophet of love & peace, bless us all on this day. Wishing Merry #Christmas to those celebrating, esp Iranian Christians.” Proving that irony doesn’t translate well over Twitter.

6. The lead singer of a 1970 tune that is sampled on a new Kanye West song has filed suit, alleging the rapper used the snippet without his permission. Said Kanye, “This is outrageous. If people aren’t allowed to use something after someone else has already used it, then Ray-J is going to sue my pants off.”

7. Irish bookmaker Paddy Power has withdrawn its sponsorship of retired basketball player Dennis Rodman’s visits to North Korea, saying it regrets its decision to, in any way, involve itself with the communist nation. But in their defense, they only sponsored a one-way trip.

8. According to a new study, people may not be as active as they once were after they retire Well maybe that’s because we can’t afford to retire until we’re 90 now. (Thanks Obama)

9. A third person has accused Macy’s flagship store in New York’s Herald Square of racial profiling after he purchased a $2,400 Louis Vuitton bag. But, to be fair, it was probably before he bought the bag.

10. The Philadelphia abortion doctor who was convicted of first-degree murder for killing babies that were born alive in his clinic has been sentenced to 30 years in prison. “I think I’m in love,” said Casey Anthony.

December 25, 2013 – Monologue Jokes

1. In a new interview, Edward Snowden declared that he has “already won” his battle with the U.S. over the leaked NSA information. “Well, nothing goes with a statement of premature victory better than a nice ‘Mission Accomplished’ banner,” said former President George W. Bush.

2. On Tuesday, the U.S. government led a growing chorus of voices around the world slamming Uganda’s new anti-gay bill, which would make some gay acts punishable by life in prison. Said the U.S., “Have you been to a prison, I don’t think that’s gonna be much of a deterrent.”

3. Rapper Chris Brown has put his Hollywood Hills home up for sale. Real estate experts say it is perfect for the fan who has always wanted to sleep in Brown’s bed but can’t take a punch.

4. A man dressed as Santa, who was giving gifts to needy children in Washington, was shot in the back by a pellet gun on Tuesday. So apparently “for goodness’ sake” wasn’t incentive enough.

5. Revelers who can’t make it to New York’s Time Square to celebrate New Year’s Eve this year can download an app that allows them to see the ball drop on their phone. But, word of caution, the app was designed by Anthony Weiner, so it may not be the kind of “ball-drop” you’re hoping for.

6. Irish bookmaker Paddy Power has withdrawn its sponsorship of retired basketball player Dennis Rodman’s visits to North Korea, saying it regrets its decision to, in any way, involve itself with the communist nation. And there’s no better sign that you’ve made a bad decision than when even the Irish say “We don’t want any trouble here.”

7. According to a state press release, retail marijuana licenses issued by Colorado should arrive in the mail by the end of this week. Unless, of course, one of those licenses is for your mailman, then you can expect to see your card in about a month or whenever that SpongeBob marathon on the Cartoon Network ends.

8. On Tuesday, a panel overseeing the U.S. Postal Service approved a three-cent price increase in stamps that will take effect on January 26th. So come January 26th you’ll just continue to use your email.

9. Overweight and obese men in a new study showed diminished quality and quantity of semen suggesting a weight problem might also affect fertility. So maybe we’ll all get our wish and Steven Seagal won’t be able to reproduce.

10. A Massachusetts judge said on Monday she would consider a request by lawyers defending ex-NFL start Aaron Hernandez that she issue a gag order preventing leaks about the high profile murder case. Said Hernandez, “It’s good to see the judge and I have the same view on snitches and stitches.”

December 24, 2013 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Sunday, a Dutch arbitration court ruled that Tiffany & Co. must pay Swatch Group $448.79 million in damages over their failed joint venture to produce and market watches. Tiffany’s backed out of the deal after learning the new line of timepieces would be called “Twatches.”

2. According to a new study, the children of women who regularly ate peanuts or tree nuts during pregnancy appear to be at lower risk for nut allergies than other kids. Which explains why Lindsay Lohan isn’t allergic to vodka.

3. The HPV vaccine, Gardasil, has been recalled due to glass shards in some of the vials. Although the vaccine is arguably more effective now because you’re not even concerned about contracting HPV after you’ve had sex with a girl how has a vagina full of glass.

4. The two members of Russian punk Pussy Riot who were freed from prison this week derided President Vladimir Putin’s decision that led to their early release as nothing more than a publicity stunt. So maybe don’t clear all of their stuff out of their jail cells so quickly.

5. Revelers who can’t make it to New York’s Time Square to celebrate New Year’s Eve this year can download an app that allows them to see the ball drop on their phone. But no app will be able to replace the real Times Square experience of being crammed next to complete strangers, in the bitter cold, surrounded by the overwhelming stench of urine and having a 20 percent chance that you’ll contract Hep C before the clock strikes midnight. Happy New Year everyone!

6. A new study suggests, children who are teased while playing sports tend to have a worse quality of life then their non-teased peers. “So quit it, you guys,” said A-Rod.

7. A day after Target announced that forty million of its customers had their credit and debit card information stolen by hackers, the retailer announced a 10% discount for all shoppers at its stores over the weekend. “10% is nice, but I think I’ll stick with the 100% off,” said the hackers.

8. Overweight and obese men in a new study showed diminished quality and quantity of semen suggesting a weight problem might also affect fertility. “Well, that must be my problem,” said Chaz Bono.

9. On Thursday, singer Selena Gomez cancelled her upcoming Australian concert tour, saying she needed to take the time to put herself before her work. “I have always put myself before work, actually I have put anything before work,” said Kim Kardashian.

10. According to figures released by Major League Baseball, Dodger Stadium was the most visited ballpark of the 2013 baseball season. The least visited ballpark was Houston’s Minute Maid Park, and according to the Astro’s 51-111 record, some nights the team didn’t even show up.

December 23, 2013 – Monologue Jokes

1. The creator behind the hit TV series “The Walking Dead’ is suing the cable network AMC claiming that he was cheated out of profits. “Me too!” said the creator of “Low Winter Sun” while working his shift at Denny’s.

2. According to a TV report, a suburban Atlanta high school student has been suspended for a year for hugging a teacher. But, in the student’s defense, it would have been rude to leave right after sex without any cuddling.

3. Atlanta zoo officials said last week that giant twin panda cubs, the first to be born and survive in the U.S., have both turned out to be girls. Even, worse, they were wearing the exact same thing.

4. On Friday, President Obama defended the administration’s recent healthcare decisions, but acknowledged that the botched rollout of the policy was his biggest mistake of 2013. “The year’s not over yet,” said Joe Biden.

5. A blind man and his black lab service dog fell onto subway tracks, but escaped unharmed last week after an alert MTA employee instructed them to dock ahead of an oncoming train. Not sure what’s more surprising, that there was an alert MTA employee or that the train was on time.

6. A new study suggests, children who are teased while playing sports tend to have a worse quality of life then their non-teased peers. Although, I’m not sure you can consider what Fatty McTubby was doing on the soccer field as “playing sports.”

7. Apopka, Florida’s 93-year-old mayor John Land, believed to be the country’s oldest mayor, is seeking re-election for a 20th term in office. Or, as he is known in Florida, Young John.

8. Harold Camping, the broadcast preacher who predicted the end of the world in 2011 and spread his doomsday message through billboards, died last week. And thank god he was wrong about the apocalypse because, if he were right, we never would have been able to enjoy this day, the day that piece of shit Harold Camping died.

9. The Philadelphia abortion doctor who was convicted of first-degree murder for killing babies that were born alive in his clinic has been sentenced to 30 years in prison. Said the doctor, “That’s what I get for being dedicated to my work?”

10. Barack Obama and family landed in Honolulu later Friday to kick off a two-week vacation to end the year. So you know what that means, Biden’s throwing a keggar at the White House.

10 Best Jokes of the Week (as decided by me, I don’t care about your opinion)

1. Yesterday, FoxNews anchor Megyn Kelly said Santa and Jesus were both white. I’ll give you Santa, but Jesus? Let’s look at the facts, he had a rather elaborate entourage, his dad was an absentee father and everyone is waiting on him to show up and he’s really late. That’s a black guys.

2. Amid a tidal wave of negative publicity, a Colorado school has let a 6-year-old boy return to school after he kissed the hand of a girl saying they won’t classify the incident as sexual harassment since the girl was unharmed. But, just to make sure, they are testing her for coodies.

3. Instagram has announced a new private messaging feature called Instagram Direct, which will allow users to send a photo or video privately to up to fifteen followers. Or, as I’m sure the feature will be know very soon, Instagram Erect.

4. Three New York courts have rejected one group’s legal effort to grant captive chimpanzees the same rights as a legal person. Looking back on it, it may have been a mistake to let the monkey represent himself.

5. Deer Trail, Colorado voted yesterday on a measure that would allow its residents to shoot down federal drones the come into the city’s airspace. So, good luck Santa.

6. President Obama brought former President George W. Bush with him on Air Force One to Africa on Monday to attend a memorial for Nelson Mandela, the man who ended Apartheid. And, just to show how far we’ve come since then, Obama made Bush sit in coach.

7. A new study suggests, girls who start puberty early may be at particular risk for behavioral problems as teenagers. “I guess they’re a handful in more ways than one,” said a local pervert.

8. Researchers say they have observed alligators using sticks to lure in prey in the wild. No word on whether gators prefer “Come Sail Away” or “Mr. Roboto.”

9. Pope Francis ordered the formation of a team to address the sexual abuse of children in the Catholic Church, his first major steps towards tackle the crisis that has plagued it for two decades. Although, now that it’s two decades old, I have a feeling the priests are gonna lose interest in it anway.

10. On Friday, U.S. health regulators approved a new drug injection that treats a condition that causes a curvature of the penis called Peyronie’s disease. “Great, now if I get it fixed will you change the name?” said Tim Peyronie.

December 13, 2013 – Monologue Jokes

1. Yesterday, FoxNews anchor Megyn Kelly said Santa and Jesus were both white. I’ll give you Santa, but Jesus? He had a rather elaborate entourage, his dad was an absentee father and everyone is waiting on him to show up and he’s really late.

2. Yesterday, FoxNews anchor Megyn Kelly said Santa and Jesus were both white. Because nothing says hard-hitting news like debating the race of make-believe people.

3. Amid a tidal wave of negative publicity, a Colorado school has let a 6-year-old boy return to school after he kissed the hand of a girl saying they won’t classify the incident as sexual harassment since the girl was unharmed. But, just to make sure, they are testing her for coodies.

4. Instagram has announced a new private messaging feature called Instagram Direct, which will allow users to send a photo or video privately to up to fifteen followers. “Finally,” said Anthony Weiner.

5. Instagram has announced a new private messaging feature called Instagram Direct, which will allow users to send a photo or video privately to up to fifteen followers. Or, as I’m sure the feature will be know very soon, Instagram Erect.

6. In a recent interview, disgraced cyclist Lance Armstrong admitted that he had made some mistakes in the past, but, if given the opportunity to do it all again, he would still dope. Hey Lance, that was one of those times you were supposed to lie.

7. On Thursday, U.S. regulators warned that a nipple fluid test is not an effective screening method for detecting breast cancer. This is especially true if your doctor conducts the test with his mouth.

8. First-term Congressman Ted Yoho accidentally set his upcoming gun safety event for kids on the same date as the one year anniversary of the Newton school shooting. It is an embarrassing gaffe for Yoho, or as he will undoubtedly soon be known, one-term Congressman Ted Yoho.

9. Nicaragua’s national assembly on Tuesday approved a constitutional change to remove presidential term limits, which could allow incumbent Daniel Ortega to stay in power for years. And really, when has that not worked out well?

10. Celebrity chef Nigella Lawson admitted last week to cocaine use as she testified during a fraud trial in London. Lawson went on to say, “Even after all that, I’m still don’t get Guy Fieri.”