October 27, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Pop-star Katy Perry had a malfunction during a concert in Nashville last week that left her suspended in the air above the audience. But, to her credit, Perry’s been stuck in worse situations, after all, she was marred to Russell Brand for two years.

2. Singer Justine Skye dropped to a knee toward the end of her rendition of The Star-Spangled Banner prior to the Brooklyn Nets home opener against the Orlando Magic last Friday. Which seems pointless because I assume anyone at a Nets-Magic game is there in protest.

3. According to a new study, mothers around the world have similar responses to hearing their babies cry. And, strictly from the research I’ve conducted on planes, that response is to completely ignore their baby.

4. John McCain took what was widely seen as a swipe at President Trump as he condemned the ways in which wealthier Americans avoided serving in the Vietnam War. In response, Trump said, “Thank you for calling me ‘wealthy.’”

5. Nemo, the young dog adopted this year by France’s Emmanuel Macron, was caught on camera relieving himself on a gilded fireplace in the Elysee Palace on Monday. Hey, at least it’s your leader’s dog who doesn’t know where to pee:

6. According to a new study, smokers who have had more than five sexual partners are at a greater risk of getting cancer. Begging the question, how the fuck is Keith Richards still alive?

7. Last week, Fox News host Laura Ingraham said that adults will wear diapers instead of sharing a restroom with transgender people. That story again, Fox News host Laura Ingraham promises to shit herself to teach you a lesson.

8. According to a new study, people struggling with irritable bowel syndrome might do better on an individualized diet. And if you have irritable bowel syndrome, you should probably get used to do most things individually.

9. Singer Kid Rock ruled out running for Senate on Tuesday, saying that his earlier hints about seeking office next year were a lark to get publicity for his upcoming album. So good news, Kid Rock was joking about running for Senate, bad news, I don’t think he was joking about releasing a new album.

10. A Brooklyn mother-daughter duo were arrested last week for allegedly stealing $250,000 worth of Staples gift cards. Come on, be a contributing member of society, do what all the rest of us when we need office supplies, steal them from work.

11. Authorities say a man accused of trying to rent a car in Delaware using a fake ID was caught hiding in a trash can. But, to his credit, he’s really sticking to that ID:

12. Jeff Glor was named the anchor of ‘The CBS Evening News’ this week. CBS News is known for their in-depth investigative journalism so hopefully they’ll be able to figure out who the fuck Jeff Glor is.

13. This week the NAACP issued a travel advisory cautioning African Americans about flying on American Airlines. But, in their defense, as any student of U.S. history will tell you, naming themselves ‘American’ airlines should have been fair warning.

14. A scrap of paper where Albert Einstein wrote his “theory of happiness” in 1922 just sold for $1.56 million. Yet the scrap of paper where I wrote my “theory of happiness” remains unsold:

15. President Donald Trump declined to say on Wednesday whether he will visit the Korean Peninsula’s demilitarized zone during an upcoming Asia tour. Said Trump, “Is there a golf course there?”


16. The number four ranked golfer in the world, Hideki Matsuyama, has accepted the invitation to play golf with President Trump and Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe next month. Hopefully it goes better than Trump’s last outing with an Asian golfer:

17. Aston Martin has begun selling a special Tom Brady Signature Edition car for $359,950 that was designed by the New England quarterback himself. Not to be outdone, Cleveland Browns’ quarterback Kevin Hogan is looking to sell his 1992 Geo Metro.

18. Kellogg’s says it’s changing the art on its Corn Pops cereal box after a consumer complained it was racist. They’re also having a hard time explaining this picture:

19. Lady Gaga and former Vice President Joe Biden have teamed up to shoot a PSA against sexual assault. And, now, for the rebuttal:

20. The NYPD is currently searching for a man who left a crime scene wearing a fedora and a $48,000 watch. Police are calling every man who lives in New Jersey a person of interest.

October 20, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. A Los Angeles Lakers fan has named his newborn son after rookie Lonzo Ball before Ball has even played his first professional game. “Yeah, you may want to wait just a little to see how his career shakes out,” said O.J. Levanthal.

2. Wednesday morning, former White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer met with a group of students at Harvard University to discuss the state of American politics. Or, as it was advertised on campus, ‘Free breakfast.’

3. According to a new piece in ‘The New Yorker,’ while wooing his wife Karen while in law school, Vice President Mike Pence took her ice-skating and made her taco salad for dinner. Or, as the Pences fondly refer to those days, their wild 20s.

4. According to a new piece in ‘The New Yorker,’ feeling that Mike Pence was going to propose to her while they were dating, Karen Pence took to carrying around a gold cross with the word ‘yes’ engraved on it. A cross that she still carries today, but now she uses it to keep Eric at bay:

5. When asked on Tuesday if he heard Senator John McCains’s recent critical remarks, President Trump said, “I hear everything.” Which explains why Melania has taught herself to sign ’S.O.S.’

6. On Tuesday, Rob Kardashian’s ex-fiancee Blac Chyna sued the whole family alleging they “slut-shamed” her in an effort to “destroy her career.” Said Kim, “No, you got it all wrong, being a slut is what gets you a career.”

7. A man who was held by the Taliban for the past five years thought his captors were joking when they told him Donald Trump was president. Said the man, “Now I’m scared to ask about Bruce Jenner.”

8. Oreo has announced a new contest where people can win $50,000 for guessing the correct flavor of their new mystery cream. The last time someone got $50,000 for tasting a mystery cream Harvey Weinstein forced them to sign a nondisclosure agreement.

9. After Jay Y. Lee, the billionaire heir to Samsung Electronics, was jailed in February, the company has reported record profit. So now might be the best time to invest in the Trump Organization.

10. According to a new piece in ‘The New Yorker,’ Vice President Mike Pence asked his wife Karen to marry him by hiding the ring in a loaf of bread they used to feed ducks. That story again, Mike Pence’s marriage proposal involved white bread and also a loaf of bread.

11. In a recently unearthed video clip, President Trump admits that young, attractive women are his addiction. Luckily, there’s a cure:

12. President Donald Trump said on Tuesday he believed Republicans had enough votes to pass a new healthcare bill. “Yeah, you definitely do,” said John McCain:

13. In a recent interview, Ivanka Trump said, when she was younger, she went through a punk phase where she wore black clothes and makeup. Unfortunately it only made her father slightly less attracted to her.

14. On Wednesday, Lego unveiled a new set of figurines celebrating the women of NASA. Which reminds me of when Neil Armstrong said, “This is one small step for man….OUCH. What did I just step on!?! A fucking Lego! Brian, I thought I told you to clean this shit up!”

15. An attorney in Florida is arguing his client, who was found guilty of tax fraud, is too fat to go to jail. Which, I guess explains why Trump always gets two scoops of ice cream with his dessert.

16. Vice President Mike Pence’s older brother Greg Pence has filed the necessary paperwork to run for Congress. Which is why I am calling for a total and complete shutdown of Pences entering the federal government until we can figure out what the hell is going on.

17. A Tennessee State University student faces charges after she was caught on video filling her roommate’s water bottle with toilet water. And, to make matters worse, she’s also being sued for patent infringement by Mountain Dew.

18. For the second year in a row, organizers of Milwaukee’s marathon got the distance of the course wrong. Said runners, “We don’t care how long the course is as long as it takes us out of Milwaukee.”

19. Last week, a cigar half-used by former British Prime Minister Winston Churchill sold at auction for over $12,000. “What do you mean by ‘half-used cigars’?” asked Bill Clinton.

20. A couple in their 20s who were kicked out of a Tennessee bar last week for having sex in the bathroom, moved their rendezvous to a nearby Porta-Potty. And the most shocking part of that story is there’s a bar in Tennessee with indoor plumbing.

October 13, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. The student Academy Awards were held on Thursday in Beverly Hills. They are just like the regular Academy Awards except to get nominated you don’t have to watch Harvey Weinstein masturbate into a potted plant.

2. This week, President Trump gave his first one-on-one interview in three months to Mike Huckabee. And, given all that, no one was under more pressure than the chairs:

3. Madison Square Garden has created a ticket package for $400,000 that includes front-row seats for 180 events, including all Knicks and Rangers games and concerts from the likes of Billy Joel and Shakira. Or, you can pay $500,000 for a package that doesn’t include Knicks games.

4. According to a new ‘Vanity Fair’ article, an increasingly frustrated President Trump has been heard saying, “I hate everyone in the White House.” Said Eric, “This is the first time I’m happy daddy makes me sleep in a tent out back”:

5. It is being reported that during the meeting that led to Secretary of State Rex Tillerson calling President Trump a ‘moron,’ Trump said he wanted to increase the U.S.’s nuclear arsenal tenfold. Which is five more folds than normal for him:

6. According to a new survey, 52% of men say they haven’t personally benefited from women having access to affordable birth control. A result that only makes sense if they somehow, accidentally polled Kevin Federline 52 times.

7. The world’s heaviest woman died this week. Luckily, it was an easy death because she had ample experience going towards the light:

8. According to a new study, half of Americans think, in the future, having sex with a robot will be normal. That story again, Ann Romney was way ahead of her time:

9. This week ‘The Times of London’ reported that ousted movie exec Harvey Weinstein once invited a British noblewoman to “jump in the bath” with him. Begging the question, just how big was that bathtub that it could fit Harvey Weinstein and another human being?

10. According to a study in the American Journal of Emergency Medicine, more than 1 million Americans injure themselves on stairs each year. Not to be outdone, 60 million Americans were fucked over by an escalator last year:

11. Vice President Mike Pence left a football game between the Indianapolis Colts and the San Francisco 49ers on Sunday after some players knelt during the National Anthem. There was also a mass exodus following the National Anthem at the Jets game, but that’s because it was announced they were playing the Browns.

12. This week, President Trump responded to reports that his Secretary of State Rex Tillerson called him “a fucking moron” by challenging him to an IQ test. IQ tests are based on verbal intelligence, mathematical ability, spatial reasoning, and, uh-oh, ability to open doors:

13. Microsoft said on Monday it was looking into whether Russians bought U.S. election ads on its Bing search engine. Oh man, if that’s true, those ads could have been seen by literally tens of people.

14. This week, Russian President Vladimir Putin received a puppy as a belated-birthday gift from the president of Turkmenistan. Said Putin, “Great, just what we need in this country, another foreigner who pees wherever he wants.”:

15. Some East African countries no longer want foreign secondhand clothing because they’re trying to manufacture their own clothing. But what those Africans really want is to meet the back-to-back-to-back-to-back Superbowl-winning Buffalo Bills teams of the early 90s.

16. A company has begun selling condoms in 60-custom-fit sizes in response to men who say they don’t like wearing prophylactics because they don’t fit properly. Said those same men to their girlfriends, “Did I also mention I’m allergic to latex?”

17. Forbes magazine, which annually ranks the world’s richest people, said they have a ‘Trump rule’ where they take whatever Trump says he’s worth and divide it by three. Completely disregarding two-thirds is an idea the magazine said they got from Trump himself:

18. Authorities say man in Minnesota lived in a house with the decomposing bodies of his mother and twin brother for over a year. But, on the plus-side ladies he’s a homeowner now.

19. White House officials believe Chief of Staff John Kelly’s personal cellphone was hacked. Even crazier, Trump’s wasn’t:

20. Grammy-winning rapper Nelly was arrested near Seattle early on Saturday after a woman accused him of sexually assaulting her on a tour bus. But we shouldn’t rush to judgment, maybe it was just locker room talk:

October 6, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Historians in France have discovered what they believe is a nude sketch of the Mona Lisa. Even crazier, they also found a sex tape:

2. Arthur Janov, a psychotherapist known for developing primal scream therapy, has died at the age of 93. So good luck getting a moment of silence at that funeral.

3. On Tuesday, director Brett Ratner tapped actor Jared Leto to play Hugh Hefner in an upcoming biopic of the ‘Playboy’ founder. So if Hugh hadn’t died last week, this probably would have done it.

4. Comedian Nick Cannon refused to apologize Wednesday night after using offensive words during a performance at a Catholic university. The objectionable language included the f-word, the n-word and the phrase “coming to the stage next, Nick Cannon.”

5. According to reports, at a maximum-security prison in Alaska, inmates were stripped naked in front of female guards and walked around on a dog leash. “Alright, maybe I will like prison,” said Anthony Weiner.

6. According to reports, Secretary of State Rex Tillerson wanted to resign back in July, but Vice President Mike Pence convinced him to stay by giving him a pep talk. A pep talk that Pence has gotten very good at after having to deliver it daily to Melania.

7. Florida Attorney General Pam Bondi said Friday that O.J. Simpson is not welcome to relocate to Florida once he’s released from prison. So my advice to Simpson is to not move to Florida and my advice to Bondi is to not forget her glasses at a restaurant.

8. President Donald Trump reportedly called Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones four times asking him not to have the team kneel during the national anthem before their last game. Which makes this picture so much funnier:

9. In a recent poll, where respondents were asked to give a one word description of President Trump, the ten most common responses were “incompetent,” “arrogant,” “strong, “idiot,” “egotistical,” “ignorant,” “great,” “racist,” “ass” and “narcissistic.” “Man, what’s a guy got to do to get the word ‘dotard’ trending,” said Kim Jong Un.

10. Country music superstar Garth Brooks announced this week that he is writing an autobiography that will span five books. And, from the look of Brooks, I’m guessing two of the books are a recipe for rice pudding:

11. British tennis player Dan Evans has been banned from competitive play for a year after testing positive for cocaine. Authorities became suspicious after he altered his side of the court just a bit:

12. On Wednesday, the Nobel Prize in Chemistry was awarded to three scientists for their discoveries in cryoelectron microscopy. Coming in a close second was President Trump with his discovery that Puerto Rico is an island, surrounded by water, big water, ocean water.

13. After being released from prison, O.J. Simpson said “nothing has changed” in his life during the nine years he spent behind bars. “You’d be surprised,” said Caitlyn Jenner.

14. In a recent interview, Russian President Vladimir Putin said he hasn’t decided if he will run for re-election in 2018. Or, I assume, skip the election and just declare himself the winner.

15. United Airlines just launched the shortest domestic flight that is only sixteen minutes long. But, in the inflight movie is ‘The Emoji Movie,’ so it feels much longer.

16. Fast-food chain Sonic said on Wednesday a malware attack at some of its drive-in stores may have left customers vulnerable to identity theft. Which is weird because I’ve never seen anyone eating at a Sonic and thought “man, that guy has his life together, I’d love to be him.”

17. Fast-food chain Sonic said on Wednesday a malware attack at some of its drive-in stores may have allowed hackers to access customer’s credit card information. I’m usually not in favor of identity theft, but some guys have it coming:

18. All five former living U.S. presidents will take part in a benefit concert for hurricane relief later this month. All of them agreed to participate due to their deep-seated desire to help Americans in need, except for Clinton, he just wants to meet Rihanna.

19. Last week, SpaceX CEO Elon Musk predicted one day soon rockets will be able to fly people from New York to Shanghai in just 39 minutes. “Dammit, I resigned too soon,” said Tom Price.

20. A North Carolina man was arrested and charged with trying to hide marijuana in the bushes outside a courthouse before a probation hearing. “Yeah, I could have told you that’s not a good hiding spot,” said one man: