10 Best Jokes of the Week (as decided by me, I don’t care about your opinion)

1. In a rare public appearance since admitting to an extramarital affair, David Petraeus apologized Tuesday night for the sex scandal that led to his resignation as head of the CIA last year. Although I don’t know if pleading through the front door to his wife after being locked out of his own house can be considered a public appearance.

2. According to several media reports, longtime ABC News personality Barbara Walters will retire from broadcasting next year. Once again making Elmer Fudd the most senile person on television with a lisp.

3. Yesterday, conservative Fox News host Bill O’Reily said that same-sex marriage advocates have more convincing arguments than opponents. Not to be outdone, Rush Limbaugh blew a guy.

4. A Brazilian doctor appeared in court for allegedly killing patients to free up hospital beds. But, in the doctor’s defense, she was really tired and wanted to take a nap.

5. Some 7,000 patients of a Tulsa, Oklahoma dental practice are being notified they could have been exposed to HIV and hepatitis over the past six years. Proving that some people from Oklahoma actually do go to the dentist.

6. A self-styled healer was sentenced to 12 years and nine months in a jail on Friday after a Swiss court found the acupuncturist guilty of infecting 16 people with HIV. Okay, but how’s your neck?

7. The National Park Service announced that there is no projected reopening date for New York’s iconic Ellis Island. The landmark had to shut down last October due to the extensive damage caused by Superstorm Sandy, or as it was known before it passed through there, Superstorm Irving Sandberg.

8. Hundreds of thousands of people poured onto the streets of Central Paris on Sunday to protest against President Francois Hollande’s plan to legalize gay marriage and adoption. Proving that it is impossible to tell if a rally is pro or anti gay if it consists of thousands of French people.

9. This week the Supreme Court heard oral arguments on the issue of same-sex marriage. Instead of marching, many took to Facebook to voice their support for marriage equality, which is a shame, because gays are great at parades.

10. Longtime Alaska Republican representative Don Young, in an interview with a local radio station, referred to Latinos by using the derogatory term “wetbacks.” Also, if you ask Young his opinion of President Obama, it sounds a lot like a screening of “Django Unchained.”

Monologue Jokes – March 29, 2013

1. Some 7,000 patients of a Tulsa, Oklahoma dental practice are being notified they could have been exposed to HIV and hepatitis over the past six years. But, on the plus side, their gums look great … for now.

2. Some 7,000 patients of a Tulsa, Oklahoma dental practice are being notified they could have been exposed to HIV and hepatitis over the past six years. But, if you ask me, that’s what you get for going to Magic Johnson, D.D.S.

3. Some 7,000 patients of a Tulsa, Oklahoma dental practice are being notified they could have been exposed to HIV and hepatitis over the past six years. Proving that some people from Oklahoma actually do go to the dentist.

4. According to several media reports, longtime ABC News personality Barbara Walters will retire from broadcasting next year. Once again making Elmer Fudd the most senile person on television with a lisp.

5. According to several media reports, longtime ABC News personality Barbara Walters will retire from broadcasting next year. I can’t wait for that news conference, good luck trying to pronounce the word “retire” Barbara.

6. As part of a Holy Thursday Mass, Pope Francis washed the feet of a dozen prisoners at a juvenile detention center in Rome. Yet, if the old Pope does that now, he’s just a creepy old man with a foot fetish.

7. As part of a Holy Thursday Mass, Pope Francis washed the feet of a dozen prisoners, just as Jesus did for his disciples on the eve of his crucifixion. Here’s hoping it ends better for the Pope.

8. According to the Passaic County Sheriff’s Office, the New Jersey man who won $338 million in the Powerball lottery last weekend is wanted on charges of unpaid child support. A multimillionaire with unpaid child support obligations, he’s just a jump-shot away from being an NBA All-Star.

9. A Rhode Island city has dropped its case against a woman who was fined $15 for violating a noise ordinance after her pet cockatoo allegedly swore at her ex-husband’s girlfriend, who lived with him next door. Although, it is suspicious that the “cockatoo’s” voice sounds a lot like the ex-wife’s and also she doesn’t own any birds.

10. Longtime Alaska Republican representative Don Young, in an interview with a local radio station, referred to Latinos by using the derogatory term “wetbacks.” Oh Don, this whole politics things was so much easier when you didn’t regard them as people or care about their votes.

11. Longtime Alaska Republican representative Don Young, in an interview with a local radio station, referred to Latinos by using the derogatory term “wetbacks.” Also, if you ask Young his opinion of President Obama, it sounds a lot like a screening of “Django Unchained.”

Monologue Jokes – March 28, 2013

1. This week the Supreme Court heard oral arguments on the issue of same-sex marriage. Instead of marching, many took to Facebook to voice their support for marriage equality, which is a shame, because gays are great at parades.

2. Yesterday, conservative Fox News host Bill O’Reily said that same-sex marriage advocates have more convincing arguments than opponents. You can hear more of O’Reily’s views …oh wait, no, nevermind, he just got fired.

3. Yesterday, conservative Fox News host Bill O’Reily said that same-sex marriage advocates have more convincing arguments than opponents. Not to be outdone, Rush Limbaugh blew a guy.

4. Yesterday, conservative Fox News host Bill O’Reily said that same-sex marriage advocates have more convincing arguments than opponents. Meanwhile, in his secret, evil, underground lair, Roger Ailes’s head exploded. Fortunately, the cat that he was petting on his lap was unharmed.

5. A Brazilian doctor appeared in court for allegedly killing patients to free up hospital beds. But, in the doctor’s defense, she was really tired and wanted to take a nap.

6. Last night, the Chicago Bulls beat the Miami Heat ending the Heat’s winning streak at 27 games, or as the Cleveland Cavaliers know it, 27 seasons worth of wins.

7. It has been reported that after Argo won the Best Picture Oscar ar this year’s Academy Awards, director Ben Affleck shaved off his beard. As a result, my favorite Hollywood beard is now Kelly Preston.

8. Conservative political commentator Rush Limbaugh said that lesbians don’t have to worry about their appearance so they are free to get fat and let themselves go. Now I know what you’re thinking, but Limbaugh never let himself go, because he was always super fat … and ugly, too!

9. The IRS is seeing fewer error-riddled tax returns. Last year, the IRS identified 2.7 million math mistakes, which is less than half of the 6.6 million errors found in 2011. And I like to think I helped out a little because I didn’t do my taxes last year. You’re welcome IRS.

10. South African track star Oscar Pistorius, who is charged with murder, is now allowed to travel overseas after a judge lifted a bail condition. So watch Rio de Janerio, site of the 2016 Summer Olympics. No seriously, watch out, he may have murdered someone.

11. South African track star Oscar Pistorius, who is charged with murder, is now allowed to travel overseas after a judge lifted a bail condition. Hopefully he doesn’t hop a flight and try to hide by changing his name, dying his hair and growing a moustache … oh right, the one leg thing, I think we’re good here.

12. For the second straight year, San Pedro Sula, a city in Honduras, has been named the “murder capital” of the world, topping the list of the world’s most dangerous cities. In a related story, actress Amanda Bynes has moved to San Pedro Sula hoping that singer Drake will come to visit.

13. Sinbad Joke of the Week: Yesterday, President Obama swore in Julia Pierson as the first female director of the U.S. Secret Service. But good luck keepin’ it a secret now, because women be gossipin’, amiright fellas?

Monologue Jokes – March 27, 2013

1. Yesterday the Supreme Court heard oral arguments on the federal Defense of Marriage Act. If overturned, gay people will be allowed to marry and many men will be forced to come up with another reason why they’re waiting to marry their long-time girlfriends.

2. Yesterday the Supreme Court heard oral arguments on the issue of gay marriage. In a show of support, millions of Facebook users changed their profile picture to that of a red equal sign to signify marriage equality, showing that people want to get involved, but also want to make the minimalist effort possible.

3. Yesterday the Supreme Court heard oral arguments on the issue of gay marriage. In a show of support, millions of Facebook users changed their profile picture to that of a red equal sign to signify marriage equality, because during recesses I’m sure Scalia is refreshing the news feed on his Facebook account. Congratulations on accomplishing nothing Facebook users.

4. Yesterday the Supreme Court heard oral arguments on the issue of gay marriage. In a show of support, millions of Facebook users changed their profile picture to that of a red equal sign to signify marriage equality, because last time I checked the Constitution that’s how these things are decided.

5. Yesterday the Supreme Court heard oral arguments on the issue of gay marriage. It is ironic that men in robes will be deciding if it’s essential that someone wear pants in a relationship.

6. In a rare public appearance since admitting to an extramarital affair, David Petraeus apologized Tuesday night for the sex scandal that led to his resignation as head of the CIA last year. Although I don’t know if pleading through the front door to his wife after being locked out of his own house can be considered a public appearance.

7. Jim and Michelle Duggar, parents to nineteen children on the TLC reality show “19 Kids and Counting” have said they are open to the idea of adoption. Can you imagine the kid being adopted? “I got adopted! Wait, how many other kids? Nineteen? Yeah, I’m good here. Can I have some more gruel?”

8. Jim and Michelle Duggar, parents to nineteen children on the TLC reality show “19 Kids and Counting” have said they are open to the idea of adoption. Hey lady, you had’em, you keep’em.

9. Justin Bieber’s neighbor accused the singer of “battery and threats” after a confrontation outside his California home Tuesday morning. I think I speak for everyone when I say, hey neighbor, take a swing, we got your bail money covered.

10. On Tuesday, North Dakota adopted the most restrictive abortion law in the U.S. as the governor signed a bill that bans the procedure in most cases once a fetal heartbeat can be detected which can come as early as six weeks. Which is ironic, because I think we’d all be okay if there were less people from North Dakota.

11. On Tuesday, North Dakota adopted the most restrictive abortion law in the U.S. as the governor signed a bill that bans the procedure in most cases once a fetal heartbeat can be detected which can come as early as six weeks. In an unrelated story, North Dakota has seen an unexpected boom in the sale of wire hangers.

Monologue Jokes – March 26, 2013

1. A self-styled healer was sentenced to 12 years and nine months in a jail on Friday after a Swiss court found the acupuncturist guilty of infecting 16 people with HIV. Okay, but how’s your neck?

2. A new national poll indicates that the percentage of Americans who say they have a family member who is gay is on the rise, a trend many have dubbed the “Rob Portman effect” named after the Republican senator who changed his view on gay marriage after his son came out. But maybe cool it with the naming things after him, he doesn’t need more reasons to hate his son. 

3. CBS apologized to its viewers on Sunday after receiving criticism for a recent “The Amazing Race” episode set in Vietnam featuring a segment that took place in Hanoi in front of a wrecked U.S. B-52 bomber. Which comes as a surprise to me because I just always assumed “The Amazing Race” was about white people. 

4. Oscar-winning actress Tilda Swinton is sleeping in a glass box at New York’s Museum of Modern Art as part of a performance piece. Because if anybody’s gonna be impressed by someone sleeping in a confined area it will be jaded New Yorkers who share studio apartments with four other roommates. That’s like bragging to an Eskimo that you keep your home thermostat at 65 degrees. 

5. Scientists plan to check toenail clippings from hundreds of people in Garfield, New Jersey, to determine if residents were exposed to a toxic metal linked to lung cancer. But hopefully this is just an elaborate plan to get New Jerseyans to groom themselves better. 

6. Scientists plan to check toenail clippings from hundreds of people in Garfield, New Jersey, to determine if residents were exposed to a toxic metal linked to lung cancer. Which begs the question would you rather examine toenail clippings of complete strangers or have lung cancer?

7. A series of car ads, including one showing women bound and gagged in the trunk of a Ford driven by former Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi, has prompted internet outrage in India and resulted in an apology from Ford India. When reached for comment, Berlusconi said, “If you can think of a better way to get underaged girls to my sex parties against their will, I’d love to hear it.”

8. A series of car ads, including one showing women bound and gagged in the trunk of a Ford driven by former Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi, has prompted internet outrage in India and resulted in an apology from Ford India. If that’s the case, they’re really gonna hate the one with Gandhi driving while eating a hamburger and texting. 

9. Grammy Award-winning singer Dionne Warwick has filed for bankruptcy in New Jersey, citing tax liabilities. That’s terrible, if only there were some people, like a group of friends or a friends network that could have foreseen this and warned Dionne that in the future she would be living in New Jersey. 

10. Yesterday, Tiger Woods won for the second time in three weeks to reclaim the number one spot in the World Golf Rankings. Somebody’s gonna be in a good mood, so expect some higher “tips” IHOP waitresses. 

Monologue Jokes – March 25, 2013

1. Over the weekend, the Harvard basketball team lost in the second round of the NCAA tournament.  While 15th seeded Florida Gulf Coast continued its improbable winning streak advancing to the Sweet Sixteen and validating all those students who chose to attend Florida Gulf Coast over Harvard. 

2. After pulling the upset over New Mexico in the first round of the NCAA tournament, the Harvard basketball team lost to the Arizona Wildcats in the second round and were eliminated. That was a great distraction, Harvard alum, but now it’s back to ruining the world’s economy. 

3. The National Park Service announced that there is no projected reopening date for New York’s iconic Ellis Island. The landmark had to shut down last October due to the extensive damage caused by Superstorm Sandy, or as it was known before it passed through there, Superstorm Irving Sandberg. 

4. A prosecutor in Ohio has filed a criminal indictment against famous groundhog Punxsutawney Phil for misinforming the public with regards to the end of winter. Phil was officially served with the indictment yesterday, or as the groundhog thought of it, not food. 

5. Visitors to the Museum of Modern Art in New York had the chance to see an unusual performance on Saturday, Oscar-winning actress Tilda Swinton sleeping in a glass box.  That’s nothing, Gary Busey has been living in the dumpster behind the MOMA for years. 

6. The Kids Choice Awards were held over the weekend. Kristen Stewart won best actress, Katy Perry won favorite female singer and Justin Bieber won favorite male singer, once again proving that kids are dumb and shouldn’t be allowed to vote on anything. 

7. Hundreds of thousands of people poured onto the streets of Central Paris on Sunday to protest against President Francois Hollande’s plan to legalize gay marriage and adoption. Proving that it is impossible to tell if a rally is pro or anti gay if it consists of thousands of French people. 

8. According to a new study from the U.K., celebrities who endorse specific foods in TV commercials are a powerful influence on children and their eating habits. So, hey fat American kids, get ready for Calista Flockhart endorsed bottles of ipecac. 

9. It has been reported that one winning lottery ticket matching all six numbers for the $338 million Powerball jackpot was purchased somewhere in New Jersey. I’m no financial advisor but now would seem like a prudent time to invest heavily in spray tan businesses and Axe body spray. 

10. According to a new study, the number of people in the U.S. with anal cancer has tripled since the 1970s. But it should be noted that many of those diagnosed don’t die as a result of the cancer, but instead solely from embarrassment. 

 

10 Best Jokes of the Week (as decided by me, I don’t care about your opinion)

1. According to a federal lawsuit filed this week, the puppeteer who gave Sesame Street’s Elmo his voice allegedly threw a crystal meth sex party for a teenage boy in 2004. Also, according to the lawsuit, there was an unidentified shadowy figure at the party giving out blowjobs for cookies.

2. Harry Reems, the porn star best known for playing Dr. Young in the adult film “Deep Throat” died on Tuesday. His funeral will mark the first time ever Reems has caused people to use tissues for their intended purpose.

3. Rapper Lil Wayne has been released from a L.A. hospital where he was taken after suffering a seizure last week. “Rapper released from hospital” is not a sentence you normally hear unless it’s immediately followed by “and transferred to morgue.”

4. LeBron James and the Miami Heat came back from a 27-point deficit to beat the Cleveland Cavaliers and extend their winning streak to twenty-four games. But cheer up Cleveland … yeah, I got nothing.

5. Yesterday, FOX announced it will air a documentary entitled “RIHANNA 777″ in May that will follow the singer on tour and include behind-the-scenes footage, presumably with boyfriend singer Chris Brown. In order to get viewers into the right mindset for the documentary, FOX will air a marathon of “Cops” beforehand.

6. A new study has determined that long-term constipation doesn’t raise the risk for colon and rectal cancers. When reached for comment, the participants of the study said, “Someone’s in here.”

7. Yesterday golfer Tiger Woods and downhill skier Lindsey Vonn officially announced their relationship on Facebook. Proving that Facebook is the best way to tell a handful of strippers that you’re off the market.

8. Have you heard this one? Yesterday the internet was ablaze with speculation that Jimmy Fallon will take over for Jay Leno as the host of the Tonight Show as soon as 2014. In an unrelated story, Jimmy Fallon has been run over by a 1936 steam-powered Studebaker. The police have no suspects.

9. On Saturday, CNN anchorman Anderson Cooper was presented with the gay media watchdog’s top honors in recognition of his stature and accomplishment as an openly gay journalist. During the same ceremony, Ann Coulter received the lifetime achievement award for her tireless work in turning men gay.

10. Yesterday former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton came out in support of gay marriage. While former President Bill Clinton’s opinion on lesbians has remained unchanged for years.

Monologue Jokes – March 22, 2013

!. A new study has determined that long-term constipation doesn’t raise the risk for colon and rectal cancers. Thanks for the info scientists, now go wash your hands forever.

2. A new study has determined that long-term constipation doesn’t raise the risk for colon and rectal cancers. But it does raise the risk of people not wanting to hang out with you.

3. A new study has determined that long-term constipation doesn’t raise the risk for colon and rectal cancers. When reached for comment, the participants of the study said, “Someone’s in here.”

4. A new study has determined that long-term constipation doesn’t raise the risk for colon and rectal cancers. So yeah, that’s just shit up there.

5. Singer Bobby Brown walked out of a L.A. County jail after serving just nine hours of a 55-day sentence imposed for his second drunken driving conviction in a year. When asked about Brown’s early release, the jail’s warden said, “I am confident he has learned his lesson and is fully rehabilitated…wait, he’s back already?”

6. Last night in the NCAA tournament, the 14th-seeded Harvard basketball team pulled the upset and beat the 3rd-seeded University of New Mexico Lobos. Good to see those Harvard alum finally have something go their way in life.

7. Michael Jackson’s 2005 trial on child sex abuse charges may be revisited in a civil lawsuit next month that pits the pop singer’s mother against concert promoters AEG Live. Whatever your opinion of Michael Jackson is, you have to appreciate the dedication it takes to molest kids from beyond the grave.

8. Yesterday Yoko Ono tweeted out a message of gun control accompanied by a photo of the bloody glasses John Lennon was wearing when he was killed. I could be wrong, but I don’t think that’s what he meant by rose-colored glasses.

9. Capitol Hill lawmakers finally brought the 2013 budget fight to an end Thursday by approving a bill that ended the threat of a government shutdown. Weird how they finally reached an agreement right before the government was set to shutdown and they would stop getting paid. Gotta be a coincidence right?

10. Capitol Hill lawmakers finally brought the 2013 budget fight to an end Thursday by approving a bill that ended the threat of a government shutdown. But don’t worry, they’ll find something else to fuck-up real soon.

Monologue Jokes – March 21, 2013

1. Harry Reems, the porn star best known for playing Dr. Young in the adult film “Deep Throat” died on Tuesday. His funeral will mark the first time ever Reems has caused people to use tissues for their intended purpose.

2. LeBron James and the Miami Heat came back from a 27-point deficit to beat the Cleveland Cavaliers and extend their winning streak to twenty-four games. But cheer up Cleveland … yeah, I got nothing.

3. Two Kenyan marathon runners have been banned after testing positive for banned substances, this coming on the heels of suspensions for three other marathoners from the east African nation last month. What was the banned substance? Shoes.

4. Have you heard this one? Yesterday the internet was ablaze with speculation that Jimmy Fallon will take over for Jay Leno as the host of the Tonight Show as soon as 2014. In an unrelated story, Jimmy Fallon has been run over by a 1936 steam-powered Studebaker. The police have no suspects.

5. Yesterday the internet was ablaze with speculation that Jimmy Fallon will take over for Jay Leno as the host of the Tonight Show as soon as 2014. In a related story, Jay Leno has handcuffed himself to his desk.

6. Yesterday the internet was ablaze with speculation that Jimmy Fallon will take over for Jay Leno as the host of the Tonight Show as soon as 2014. So enjoy your new show on TBS, Jimmy.

7. Yesterday the internet was ablaze with speculation that Jimmy Fallon will take over for Jay Leno as the host of the Tonight Show as soon as 2014. It will be interesting to see Fallon try to interview guests over Jay’s dead body.

8. Restaurant chain Chipotle has given Nationals centerfielder Bryce Harper a card that grants him free burritos for life. That’s nothing, Taco Bell has been giving me free diarrhea for years.

9. President Obama is in the Middle East today talking peace with Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu and Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas. But don’t get your hopes up, I’ve seen the President’s rebounding skills, and he’s no Rodman.

10. March Madness officially begins today with the start of the second round of the NCAA tournament. So be sure to get your picks in before noon or, if you want to cut out the middle-man, just give Betty, the secretary at your office who knows nothing about basketball and will undoubtedly win the pool, your $20.

Monologue Jokes – March 20, 2013

1. Rapper Lil Wayne has been released from a L.A. hospital where he was taken after suffering a seizure last week. “Rapper released from hospital” is not a sentence you normally hear unless it’s immediately followed by “and transferred to morgue.”

2. Google Maps’ has unveiled a new feature that allows users to see the views from four famous peaks, including Mount Everest. Which is funny because that’s where Apple Maps’ thinks you live.

3. According to a federal lawsuit filed this week, the puppeteer who gave Sesame Street’s Elmo his voice allegedly threw a crystal meth sex party for a teenage boy in 2004. Also, according to the lawsuit, there was an unidentified figure at the party giving out blowjobs for cookies.

4. According to a federal lawsuit filed this week, the puppeteer who gave Sesame Street’s Elmo his voice allegedly threw a crystal meth sex party for a teenage boy in 2004. It was such a crazy night, Elmo woke up the next day in a trash can with Oscar.

5. According to a federal lawsuit filed this week, the puppeteer who gave Sesame Street’s Elmo his voice allegedly threw a crystal meth sex party for a teenage boy in 2004. Should have known that Elmo was into meth after he was caught hanging out with that pink teddy bear from Breaking Bad.

6. A recent Harvard study linked sugary drinks to more than 180,000 obesity-related deaths worldwide last year. In an unrelated story, thanks to an anonymous donor, Harvard will soon break ground on a new public health building that will be named Bloomberg Hall.

7. Athletic clothing company Lululemon was forced to recall a line of black yoga pants for woman after it was determined that the pants were see-through. Which would explain the recent increase of men randomly shouting “down dog” in yoga classes around the city.

8. Athletic clothing company Lululemon was forced to recall a line of black yoga pants for woman after it was determined that the pants were see-through. When reached for comment, the pervy guy in your yoga class said, “Sad to see them go, but not really gonna make a difference for my purposes.”

9. On Tuesday, the American Society of Civil Engineers graded America’s infrastructure giving the nation’s roads and bridges a D+, the highest grade the country has ever received over the fifteen years the grades have been given out. So congratulations America’s roads and bridges, you’re the Florida State University of infrastructures.

10. On Tuesday, the American Society of Civil Engineers graded America’s infrastructure giving the nation’s roads and bridges a D+, the highest grade the country has ever received over the fifteen years the grades have been given out. Dammit, I knew we should have cheated off that Asian kid.