1. In a rare public appearance since admitting to an extramarital affair, David Petraeus apologized Tuesday night for the sex scandal that led to his resignation as head of the CIA last year. Although I don’t know if pleading through the front door to his wife after being locked out of his own house can be considered a public appearance.
2. According to several media reports, longtime ABC News personality Barbara Walters will retire from broadcasting next year. Once again making Elmer Fudd the most senile person on television with a lisp.
3. Yesterday, conservative Fox News host Bill O’Reily said that same-sex marriage advocates have more convincing arguments than opponents. Not to be outdone, Rush Limbaugh blew a guy.
4. A Brazilian doctor appeared in court for allegedly killing patients to free up hospital beds. But, in the doctor’s defense, she was really tired and wanted to take a nap.
5. Some 7,000 patients of a Tulsa, Oklahoma dental practice are being notified they could have been exposed to HIV and hepatitis over the past six years. Proving that some people from Oklahoma actually do go to the dentist.
6. A self-styled healer was sentenced to 12 years and nine months in a jail on Friday after a Swiss court found the acupuncturist guilty of infecting 16 people with HIV. Okay, but how’s your neck?
7. The National Park Service announced that there is no projected reopening date for New York’s iconic Ellis Island. The landmark had to shut down last October due to the extensive damage caused by Superstorm Sandy, or as it was known before it passed through there, Superstorm Irving Sandberg.
8. Hundreds of thousands of people poured onto the streets of Central Paris on Sunday to protest against President Francois Hollande’s plan to legalize gay marriage and adoption. Proving that it is impossible to tell if a rally is pro or anti gay if it consists of thousands of French people.
9. This week the Supreme Court heard oral arguments on the issue of same-sex marriage. Instead of marching, many took to Facebook to voice their support for marriage equality, which is a shame, because gays are great at parades.
10. Longtime Alaska Republican representative Don Young, in an interview with a local radio station, referred to Latinos by using the derogatory term “wetbacks.” Also, if you ask Young his opinion of President Obama, it sounds a lot like a screening of “Django Unchained.”