April 27, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. Street artist Banksy revealed his latest work, a picture that he painted on the wall of his bathroom while under coronavirus quarantine. While my roommate revealed more of a Jackson Pollack in our shared bathroom.

2. An Iowa woman is sewing masks and hanging them on a ‘giving tree’ for anyone to take. In response, President Trump issued an executive order calling for us to plant more mask trees. 

3. Nicaragua’s president hasn’t been seen in public in over a month. In retrospect, it probably wasn’t a good idea to elect Shelly Miscavige as president of Nicaragua.

4. Convicted felon and preacher Jim Bakker recently said that his ministry will be “totally financially broke” within weeks if they don’t receive an influx of donations. Ironically, Bakker being in financial ruins is proof to me that there is a God.

5. Due to the coronavirus, many brides-to-be are now having virtual bachelorette parties. Which oddly means that the stripper is the only person wearing pants at the beginning of the Zoom call. 

6. Newly drafted New England Patriots rookie kicker Justin Rohrwasser has a tattoo on his left arm that resembles the logo of “The Three Percenters,” a right-wing militia group. Luckily drafting a player with troublesome tattoos has never burnt the Patriots before:

7. Peyton Manning, the number one overall pick by Indianapolis in the 1998 NFL Draft, said Sunday that he gave some advice to this year’s number one pick, quarterback Joe Burrow. That advice, be careful of the friends you surround yourself with:

8. Hall of Fame basketball player Michael Jordan will reportedly donate all proceeds he earns from his ‘Last Dance’ documentary to charity. That charity, the Las Vegas Wynn Resort and Casino.

9. According to reports, North Korean leader Kim Jong Un is brain dead after slipping into a coma during heart surgery. But, on the plus side, he’s still doing better than the doctor who operated on him:

10. President Trump said Tuesday he doesn’t know whether North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un is ill but nevertheless wished him luck. That story again, man with unknown illness wishes Kim Jong Un well.

11. The Supreme Court said on Monday that for the first time it will hear cases argued by teleconference rather than in the courtroom due to the coronavirus. And also partially due to the fact that Gorsuch stopped showering months ago:

12. A village in Indonesia is using volunteers dressed as ghosts to scare people into social distancing. “Yeah … that’s why I’m dressed like this,“ said Stephen Miller:

13. New York Governor Andrew Cuomo said he had a “productive” meeting with President Trump Tuesday at the White House. Adding, “Trump almost solved all of Blue’s clues.”

14. Deaf Americans are urging the White House to use sign language interpreters at coronavirus briefings. Said non-deaf Americans, “Trust me, you don’t want that.”

15. Workers in the port of Antwerp will begin testing wristbands developed that may help guarantee the social distancing required during the COVID-19 pandemic. Although there are much cheaper fashion assessors that will ensure people stay at least six feet away from you:

16. Isolation at home inspired one California family to build an elaborate two-story Rube Goldberg machine. The last time something completely useless took up two stories was everyday for the past three years:

17. The engineers at NASA have developed a ventilator prototype tailored to help coronavirus patients. And I think I speak for everyone when I say, thanks, but we’re drinking bleach now, so we’re all good. 

18. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi on Wednesday called the decision for President Donald Trump’s name to appear on stimulus checks amid the coronavirus pandemic “shameful.” She thinks that’s bad, wait til she finds out where he put his name:

19. The Supreme Court said on Monday that for the first time it will hear cases argued by teleconference rather than in the courtroom due to the coronavirus. And Kavanaugh already has his Zoom background picked out:

20. President Trump recently said his decision to reopen the country will be the “toughest decision that he will ever make. Replacing his previous touches decision, original recipe or extra crispy:

21. Last week, actor Tom Hanks sent a letter and a typewriter to an Australian boy who wrote to him about being bullied over his name, Corona. Said the boy, “Thanks Mr. Hanks, it worked. They no longer tease me about my name, now they make fun of me for owning a fucking typewriter in 2020.”

22. It is being reported that actor Tom Hanks is donating his plasma in an effort to find a cure to the coronavirus. Not to be outdone, Hank’s ‘Bosom Buddies’ co-star Peter Scolari is donating his plasma for about twenty bucks.

23. A man in Ohio was seen protesting stay-at-home orders while wearing an American flag and a diaper. Which means he’s just one poorly-tailored suit away from being President: 

24. A man in Ohio was seen protesting stay-at-home orders while wearing an American flag and a diaper. Although if you can’t trust your bowels to make it through one protest, maybe you should be staying at home.

25. English soccer player Kyle Walker recently apologized for having a prostitute sex party amid the coronavirus lockdown. “Ew, that’s gross,” said Charlie Sheen of soccer. 

December 9, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. A Florida woman who thought she was buying a baby bouncer from a local Goodwill as a baby shower present was surprised to find a loaded rifle in the box instead. But, since it was Florida, it was actually the fourth gun brought as a gift to that baby shower. 

2. Props from the sitcom “Friends” will be auctioned off next month for charity. The worthy charity that will receive those funds, people who worked on “Joey.”

3. In response to a growing trend, a gynecologist in the U.K. is warning women not to masturbate using electric toothbrushes. “But that’s the only way I’ll get any oral,” said DJ Khalid’s wife: 

4. A North Carolina woman is being accused of conspiring with her boyfriend to stage a robbery at the convenience store where she worked to get money for an engagement ring. “Yes, I’d like to report a crime,” said her commitment-phobic boyfriend calling in a tip to the cops. 

5. Delta Air Lines recently showed an edited version of the film “Booksmart” which cut out the movie’s lesbian sex scene.  Even worse, they showed the full, unedited version of “Aquaman.”

6. Joycelyn Savage, one of jailed rapper R. Kelly’s girlfriends, is now talking. Even more impressive, she took her first steps last week too!

7. A new study found semen on 30% of hotel room remote controls. While they found the other 70% literally everywhere else:

8. During a televised meeting at the White House last week, President Trump decried EPA water restrictions, saying, “People are flushing toilets ten times, fifteen times as opposed to once.” And, from the look of his diet, I think this is the rare occasion where he’s not lying: 

9. Last week, a New York judge denied Harvey Weinstein’s request to dismiss two predatory sexual assault charges. Now comes the really hard part for Weinstein, taking ‘no’ for an answer.

10. During Thursday’s halftime performance of the Thanksgiving matchup between the Chicago Bears and Detroit Lions, the power temporarily went out at Ford Field. Fans were disappointed by the interruption, but even more disappointed when the lights came back on and they were forced to watch the second half of the Lions game.

11. The Pussycat Dolls announced last week that they will embark on a reunion tour kicking off in Dublin next year. And I think I speak for everyone when I say, don’t get an ideas, Spice Girls.

12. According to a new study, an episode of the long-running television show Grey’s Anatomy increased public awareness about sexual assault and how to get help. Not to be outdone, ‘Mr. Belvedre’ raised awareness of the serious threat of sitting on your own balls.

13. North Korea recently announced that Kim Jong Un took a second horseback ride to a sacred mountain in less than a month. Man, that’s crazy, what’s it like to have a leader who takes part in some sort of physical activity?:

14. Former model Karen McDougal, who said she had an affair with President Trump, filed a defamation lawsuit Thursday against Fox News. Begging the question, can you really damage the reputation of someone who already publicly admittedly that she had sex with Donald Trump?

15. Last week, the New York Knicks fired head coach David Fizdale after the team’s record fell to 4-18. Or, more accurately, Fizdale served his time and an early release.

July 29, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. President Trump recently questioned efforts in communities across the country to ban plastic straws saying that plastic plates and wrappers pose a bigger threat. Although I remember a time, not that long ago, that he wasn’t that opposed to plastic: 

2. A Belgian man sat on a toilet for nearly five days this week in a bid to set a world record. That record, world’s worst roommate. 

3. New York City introduced a bill to the city council Tuesday that would bar mobile carriers from sharing people’s cell phone location data. Or, you could just switch to Sprint and then you won’t have service anywhere anyway.

4. A husband in Georgia died just twelve hours before his wife of 71 years died. Said the dead husband in heaven, “Can’t i just get one fucking day to myself?!?!” 

5. According to reports, Rudy Giuliani is serving as President Trump’s lawyer for free. And, from what I’ve seen, Trump is still being overcharged.

6. According to reports, Walmart and Nordstroms are building stores that don’t sell anything. “I guess we were just ahead of our time,” said Radio Shack.

7. The FDA has released a new anti-vaping ad that features a street magician performing a trick that turns e-cigarettes into traditional cigarettes. Although, a better way to discourage teens from vaping, would be a trick that turns a teen with an e-cigarette into a street magician.

8. Dante, a 104-year-old bar and restaurant in New York City, was named the World’s Best Bar. And, in related news, the world’s worst bar remains William:

9. Two-year-old twins joined at the head underwent successful surgery at a British hospital to separate their skulls and brains on Tuesday. Thus leaving Eric and Don Jr. as the last pair of siblings still sharing one brain.

10. Last week, the CEO of Siemens said that President Trump is becoming a symbol of intolerance. This marks the first time since the blue dress the semen has betrayed a president.

11. Last week, President Trump said he wouldn’t be watching Robert Mueller’s congressional testimony because, “you can’t take all those bites of the apple.” But, to be fair, for Trump, one bite of an apple is too many.

12. North Korean state media released images Tuesday of leader Kim Jong Un inspecting what appeared to be a submarine under construction. Not to be outdone, the White House also released a picture of President Trump inspecting a sub:

13. A Facebook-style social network was launched in Vietnam on Tuesday, following calls by the government for domestic tech companies to create alternatives to U.S. tech giants Facebook and Google. “I’m back, baby!” said Tom from MySpace.

14. After a possible suicide attempt, accused pedophile Jeffrey Epstein was found injured inside his cell on Thursday. But, much like trying to have sex with a women above the legal age of consent, Epstein couldn’t finish the act

15. Bernie Madoff is asking President Trump to commute his 150-year prison sentence. Hey Bernie, I’m no expert, but if you want to convince Trump I’d recommend showing a little contrition, admitting guilt, and using a much smaller word than ‘commute.’

16. People are speculating that 52-year old rapper Diddy is dating Steve Harvey’s 22-year-old daughter. And I have to admit, I see the resemblance:

17. Last week, a video went viral from Denver, Colorado where a bear tried to steal an entire dumpster from a marijuana dispensary. So I think we found the next Smokey the Bear.

April 29, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. Actress Salma Hayek’s husband, French billionaire François-Henri Pinault, pledged almost $113 million to rebuild Paris’ historic Notre Dame Cathedral. And, considering his tastes, I assume the rebuilt church will be extremely top-heavy.

2. McDonald’s said on Wednesday that it is partnering with AARP to help attract workers who are aged fifty or above. Proving that it’s never too late in life to completely give up. 

3. A bakery in Tennessee has started selling cakes to celebrate successful vasectomy operations. They will also sell cakes to celebrate unsuccessful ones:

4. President Trump reportedly refers to his daughter Ivanka as ‘baby’ in official meetings. He also has nicknames for his sons, he calls Don Jr. “who?” and Eric “tell him I’m busy.” 

5. Kohl’s announced on Tuesday that it will accept Amazon customers’ order returns for free, even without the shipping box. It’s all part of Kohl’s new motto: “We’ll take whatever shit you got lying around.” 

6. According to reports, President Trump gave South Korean President Moon Jae-in a message to relay to North Korean leader Kim Jong Un. And there’s at least a 50% chance Trump gave Moon that message because he thought he was Jong Un.

7. This week, lawyers for Robert Kraft, who has been charged with soliciting and paying for sex, tried to block the release of an uncover video of the New England Patriots owner. Which is confusing because I thought Kraft was always in favor of a full release.

8. President Trump is expected to travel to Japan next month to attend the final day of the country’s summer Grand Sumo Tournament. Where I assume he will ask for a few weight loss tips.

9. During a town hall that was aired on Fox News, Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders called President Trump “a pathological liar.” Said Trump, “Well, if it’s on Fox News.”

10. A five-year-old Michigan boy called 911 to order McDonald’s and the police decided to bring it to him. And, just like that, President Trump has his next Medal of Freedom recipient.

11. Over the weekend, President Trump took to Twitter to proclaim that he has never been happier. Never, really?:

12. An article written by Stephen Moore, one of President Trump’s picks to serve on the Federal Reserve Board, has surfaced in which Moore asked if there was any area in life “where men can take vacation from women. “Yes, it’s called prison,” said Paul Manafort, Michael Flynn, and Michael Cohen.

13. Henry Bloch, who helped build tax preparation company H&R Block into a leading force in business, died Tuesday at the age of 96. He is survived by his wife and three good-for-nothing dependents.

14. On Tuesday, a man set a new world record by playing 420 holes of golf in 24 hours. Even more impressive, he still found time in between holes to tweet:

15. PepsiCo is suing four farmers in India for copyright infringement, claiming they were growing a variety of potatoes trademarked by the company. Not to be outdone, Coke is suing the concept of time for slander.

February 25, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. In honor of the upcoming summit in Vietnam between President Trump and North Korean leader Kim Jong Un, a Hanoi barber is offering free haircuts to anyone wanting to copy Trump or Jong Un’s hairstyles. That story again, barber in Vietnam is overcharging for his work. 

2. In a recent interview, boxer Manny Pacquiao said he doesn’t want his 18-year-old son Jimuel to be a boxer because it is a tough and dangerous profession. And if you want proof that its a dangerous sport, Pacquiao doesn’t eve have a son.

3. According to a new book, President Trump and First Lady Melania were seen at Mar-A-Lago on Thanksgiving holding hands and “kissing as if nobody else existed.” Of course, pretending like no one else exists is the only way to get Melania to kiss Donald.

4.  According to a new book, President Trump and First Lady Melania were seen at Mar-A-Lago on Thanksgiving holding hands and “kissing as if nobody else existed.” Don’t believe it? Here’s a picture someone took of them holding hands:

5. According to ‘The New York Times,’ democratic presidential hopeful Amy Klobuchar once ate a salad with a comb. “A what?” said Trump of ‘a salad’ and Bernie Sanders of ‘a comb.’ 

6. Last week, an unopened copy of the first Super Mario Brothers Nintendo video game sold at auction for $100,000. “If things are more valuable if they’ve never been touched or played with, then I must be worth a fortune,” said every guy at that auction.

7. The Vatican has revealed that it maintains secret guidelines for priests who father children despite their vows of celibacy. Those guidelines include: giving the child up for adoption, limiting contact with the mother, and, if the child is a boy, not allowing him to be around the other priests.

8. Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg took the bench at the Supreme Court Tuesday morning first time since she announced she’d undergone surgery in December for cancer. Or, as Justice Brett Kavanaugh, “Cool! Finally breaking up this sausage party, bro.”

9. Last week, Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio Cortez compared President Trump’s border wall to the Berlin Wall. If you remember, David Hasselhoff sang at the Berlin Wall when it was taken down, so if that’s what it takes to prevent the border wall from being built, it’s not worth it.

10. Mattel and National Geographic have teamed up to create an astrophysicist Barbie doll. So if you like astrophysics and you like women who don’t speak up when you touch them, hi Neil deGrasse Tyson.

11. According to reports, Hillary Clinton recently held meetings with former Vice President Joe Biden and Senator Amy Klobuchar to talk about the 2020 presidential election. Not be outdone, President Trump recently held meetings with literally anyone who would listen to talk about the 2016 presidential election.

12. According to new research, the average female friendship has a life span of 16 years. But only 12 years with that bitch Diane.

August 24, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. Julie Anne Genter, the minister for women in New Zealand, rode her bike to a hospital to give birth. That story again, someone named Julie Anne Genter needs a new bicycle seat.

2. Pornography website Pornhub announced that it will host its first ever award show next month. I know Pornhub says it’s their first time, but I’m guessing they’ve held at least twenty award shows before.

3. For the first time, scientists have uncovered direct evidence of water ice on the surface of the moon. “Ah, there may be some urine up there too,” said a sheepish Buzz Aldrin.

4. In a new interview, Donald Trump’s lawyer Rudy Giuliani said if the President is impeached “the American people would revolt.” A revolution that will be preceded by someone riding through town on a horse yelling “The diminished are coming!”

5. An attorney for Michael Cohen, President Trump’s former personal lawyer who pleaded guilty on Tuesday to campaign finance violations and other charges, said Trump directed Cohen to commit a crime. Was the crime buying this jacket?:

6. As a result of PETA’s efforts, after 116 years of captivity behind bars on the cover of all Animal Crackers boxes, the animals have been freed. “Get me that giraffe’s lawyer,” said Michael Cohen and Paul Manafort in unison.

7. According to a new survey, 70% of Americans check their phone immediately upon waking up in the morning. While I assume the other 30% died overnight.

8. This week, ISIS released a surprise, new audio message from its leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, the first such recording in over a year. Begging the question, when did ISIS become Beyonce?

9. The first beer-hotel is set to open in Columbus, Ohio. The Columbus Beer Hotel, cause if you have to stay the night in Columbus, Ohio, you’re gonna need a drink.

10. Former ‘Celebrity Apprentice’ contestant Tom Arnold claims to have heard tape where President Trump refers to his son as a ‘retard.’ That’s terrible, how would anyone know which son he was talking about?:

11. A nonprofit devoted to Abraham Lincoln is so deep in debt that it is considering selling one of the 16th president’s famous stovepipe hats. And they seem to be really in debt considering which one they are thinking about selling:

12. This week, a white doctor who arrived late to his flight at a Florida airport complained of being treated like a “black person.” And I think I’m on the airport’s side of this argument because when he finally boarded the plane he proceeded to talk loudly throughout the entire inflight movie.

13. Facebook has taken down 652 pages it identified as part of coordinated disinformation campaigns that originated in Iran and targeted countries around the world. Even worse, they took down the accounts so fast Donald Trump Jr didn’t even get a chance to schedule a shady Trump Tower meeting with the people behind those pages.

14. On Monday, President Trump said another summit with North Korean leader Kim Jong Un would “most likely” happen. Said Kim Jong Un, “Can you just bomb us instead”:

15. Republican Representative Duncan Hunter, was indicted on charges on Tuesday that he and his wife used hundreds of thousands of dollars in campaign funds to pay for vacations, video games and other personal expenses. Said the GOP, “That’s not the Republican party that we know. You misuse campaign funds on your mistress, not your wife.”

16. On Wednesday, one day after President Trump’s former lawyer Michael Cohen pleaded guilty to eight criminal charges, Cohen’s lawyer said he would not accept a presidential pardon. While we’re rejecting things we’re never gonna get, I will take this moment to announce that I will not accept the title of “People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive.”

17. Pregnant Venezuelan women are leaving their country due to a lack of prenatal care, medicine and diapers and giving birth across the border in Brazil, where three Venezuelan babies are born every day. Or, as they are more commonly known, Brazilian babies.

18. An 11-year-old boy managed to hack into a replica of Florida’s election results website in 10 minutes and change names and tallies during a hackers convention. Experts are calling it “scary,” while Hillary Clinton is calling it “way too fucking late.”

June 15, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to handwriting experts, North Korean leader Kim Jong Un’s signature, penned on a historic agreement with President Trump on Tuesday, indicates his ambition and creativity. While Trump’s signature indicates that he forgot to take the cap off the pen:

2. A lesbian-led event called the Dyke March will be held next Saturday in New York City. Which answers the question of why it was so easy to book a softball field in Central Park that weekend.

3. It was announced this week that there will be a sequel to the 1980 horror movie ‘The Shining.’ The announcement was made by Roman Polanski to a 13-year-old girl he was trying to fuck.

4. A teacher in Pennsylvania was fired this week for taking bribes from her students in exchange for better grades. But, in the teacher’s defense, she was teaching AP Government.

5. There is a Japanese pop group that is composed of men all over the age of 80. The name of the band is “Get Those New Kids Off My Block.”

6. President Trump on Saturday accused Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau of making “false statements” about Trump. In fact. Trudeau made so many false statements about the president, Trump is considering naming him his personal physician:

7. Porsche announced this week that its first electric car will be called the Taycan. As in, “My penis is very small so I’ll be taycan this car.”

8. According to ‘Politico,’ President Trump has a habit of tearing up documents when he’s finished and there is a White House staffer whose sole job is to tape them back together. “Does that mean someone has my birthday card?” asked Don. Jr.

9. Sunday night, actor Robert DeNiro said “Fuck Trump,” during the live broadcast of the Tony Awards. Then, out of habit, after hearing those two words together on TV, Michael Cohen paid DeNiro $130,000.

10. During Sunday night’s Tony Awards, actor Robert DeNrio proclaimed “Fuck Trump,’ but CBS cut it out of the broadcast. If only the person who made that decision was also the editor for “Dirty Grandpa”:

11. According to reports, North Korean leader Kim Jong Un brought his own personal toilet to Singapore for his meeting with President Trump to prevent intelligence officials from getting information on his health. Although, if you need to take a toilet with you wherever you go, I think I know all I need to know about your health.

12. According to reports, North Korean leader Kim Jong Un brought his own personal toilet to this week’s summit with President Trump in Singapore. Ahh, the freedom to poop wherever you want, or, as it’s more commonly known, the New York City subway.

13. President Trump said on Tuesday North Korean leader Kim Jong Un had made an “unwavering commitment” to the complete denuclearization of the Korean peninsula. And Trump knows how strong an unwavering commitment can be:

14. After their historic meeting in Singapore, Kim Jong Un and Donald Trump signed a joint statement. The statement was a proclamation of friendship, a promise to work together and a demand that the McRib be a year-round thing.

15. A Silicon Valley entrepreneur has proposed breaking up California into three states. Now comes the hard part, figuring out which part gets stuck with the Clippers.

16. Yesterday was President Trump’s birthday. To celebrate, Donald took the day off from work for the last 509 days:

17. According to ‘The New York Post’, former Mayor Rudy Giuliani has been bragging to friends about having an affair with a married woman who he allegedly claims has “big boobs.” That story again, Rudy Giuliani has a cousin with really big knockers.

18. Scientists in Germany have developed a humanoid robot that hugs humans due to research showing hugs can reduce stress and help stave off illness. They are still working out the kinks:

19. Scientists in Germany have programmed a robot to deliver hugs to humans due to research showing hugs can reduce stress and help stave off illness. Because I can’t think off anything less stressful than being hugged against my will by a German robot.

June 8, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. This week, ‘Cosmo’ published a story entitled “My husband loves leaving fruit in my vagina all day so he can eat it later.” Even worse, his favorite fruit is watermelon.

2. The original map of the Hundred Acre Woods from the Winnie-the-Pooh children’s stories is set to go you for auction. Or, as it will be known after EPA chief Scott Pruitt gets his hands on the map, the Two Acre Woods.

3. The original map of the Hundred Acre Wood from the Winnie-the-Pooh children’s stories is set to go you for auction, with an estimate price tag of up to $200,000. “I really could have used that map before I got very lost,” said Chris Christie:

4. First Lady Melania Trump does not plan to attend the June 12 summit in Singapore with North Korea. Said Melania, “I don’t want to be in a room with a megalomaniac world leader, with a bad haircut that I don’t sleep with. Also, I’m not that fond of Kim Jong Un either.”

5. Democrats are worried that a CNN report on Monday that they are seeking subpoena records showing that EPA director Scott Pruitt used his staff to run personal errands, including trying to buy a used mattress from the Trump International Hotel, will hinder their investigation. Although that seems unlikely, I doubt Pruitt reads the news, if he did, he probably would have looked elsewhere for a used mattress.

6. First Lady Melania Trump, who has not been seen publicly for the past 24 days, attended an official White House event with President Donald Trump Monday afternoon. Or, as it’s more commonly known, proof of life.

7. A White House contractor wanted by police on an attempted first-degree murder charge was arrested as he came into work on Tuesday. The most shocking part of that story is that he was only a contractor and a not a full-time employee of the Trump White House.

8. A single parking space sold for $760,000 in Hong Kong this week. “No need,” said Billy Joel:

9. Wednesday was the 74-year anniversary of D-Day. Of course, if your friends with Anthony Weiner online, every day is D-Day:

10. According to a new government report, internet use by Americans increased in 2017, fueled by a rise among people with lower incomes. Well, party’s over, guess we gotta stop talking shit about poor people on here.

11. Scientists seeking new ways to fight drug-resistant superbugs have mapped the genomes of more than 3,000 bacteria, including samples of a bug taken from Alexander Fleming’s nose and a dysentery-causing strain from a World War One soldier. “I never thought I’d be so jealous of a guy who pulled a bug out of another guy’s nose,” said the scientist who had to study dysentery.

12. On Wednesday, President Trump took to Twitter to deny rumors that his wife Melania had a facelift. In fact, Melania is so against facelifts of any kind that she doesn’t even smile:

13. A new study found that transplanting bacteria from the feces of healthy people into a person’s intestines is just as effective as many antibiotic treatments. But, the pills are much harder to swallow.

14. On Sunday, Rudy Giuliani said that President Trump probably has the power to pardon himself. “Well, he has ample practice taking care of his own needs,” said Melania.

15. During an interview with CNN this week, White House advisor Kellyanne Conway accidentally referred to President Trump as “the commander in cheese.” But in Conway’s defense, Trump and American cheese have a lot in common, they are both orange, completely artificial, and will never get inside of Melania.

May 25, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. This week the New York Botanical Gardens premiered an exhibition from Georgia O’Keeffe entitled Visions of Hawaii. The exhibition highlights little known facts about our 50th state, for instance, did you know that Hawaii looks exactly like a vagina?

2. It was announced this week that the CW’s “Jane the Virgin” TV show will end after five seasons. Experts are calling it the easiest series finally to write ever.

3. This week, Pornhub released a porn-version of the hit musical Hamilton. And I pray to god they make Mike Pence sit through this one too:

4. In a new interview, the former U.S. ambassador to Panama compared President Trump to a velociraptor saying, “If you do not show him deference, he kills you.” But there are differences, for instance, one is an extinct, small-minded creature that knows nothing about geo-political affairs and the other is a velociraptor.

5. Rudy Giuliani claims that his legal team has been told, off the record, of an informant that was placed inside the Trump campaign. Said Giuliani, “That’s insane, is that even legal?” upon hearing that someone said something off the record:

6. Over the weekend, President Trump called his wife “Melanie” on Twitter. So, if you’re keeping track, Trump has cheated on her multiple times, admitted to not getting her much for her birthday and is now calling her by the wrong name, even Ike Turner is like, “Dude, you gotta be a better husband.”

7. President Trump on Friday escalated his attacks on the Justice Department, suggesting that the FBI may have planted or recruited an informant in his 2016 presidential campaign. Trump thought he knew who the mole on the campaign was because he didn’t recognize the guy’s face until his aids told him that was Eric.

8. A candidate for county commission in Dallas revealed in an interview that he had established a trust for his children that proposed incentives for them to marry white people. “Is that even legal?” asked Kris Jenner upon hearing that your children can marry white people.

9. This week, one of Michael Cohen’s business partners, a man known as the taxi king, agreed to cooperate with the government, a move that many are saying could be the beginning of the end for Cohen. While Trump’s ultimate undoing will most likely be attributable to either the burger or papaya king:

10. On Monday, former President Barack Obama announced a multiyear Netflix deal in which he and the former first lady, Michelle Obama, will produce shows and films for the streaming service. This marks the second time a U.S. president has filmed something for a streaming service:

11. A restaurant in Texas has put a picture of Bruce Jenner on the door to the men’s restroom and a picture of Caitlyn Jenner on the door to the women’s restroom. Yet another example of a woman who lost her job to an old white, guy:

12. A not-for-profit group has announced plans to put a library on the moon. “Wow, I’ve always wanted to masturbate on the moon,” said homeless people.

13. Facebook users in the U.S. who want to run certain ads on the social media platform will need to hand over the last four digits of their social security number and a picture of a government-issued ID. That’s seems excessive, Facebook definitely already has that information about everyone anyway.

14. A man in Ohio called police this week after he noticed that a pig was following him and did not know what to do about it.“Just give in, fighting only makes it worse” said this guy:

15. A bankruptcy court judge on Tuesday ordered the law firm of Stormy Daniels’ attorney Michael Avenatti to pay a $10 million judgment. So Avenatti is familiar with porn stars, loves going on TV, and now has experience in bankruptcy court, how is this guy not Trump’s lawyer?

16. Police in Philadelphia say that a six-year-old girl in a Kindergarten class discovered a bag of cocaine in another student’s backpack. So let that be a warning to all you kids, Emma’s a snitch.

17. Video has surfaced of Microsoft founder Bill Gates telling staffers that President Trump once left an event for twenty minutes in order to return so he could make a grander entrance via helicopter. Attendees called the entrance “ostentatious” and the interim, “the best twenty minutes ever.”

18. Conservative commentator Tomi Lahren said a patron at a restaurant in Minnesota where she was dining threw a glass of water at her. Lahren didn’t melt, so now the patron is forced to go with her backup plan of dropping Auntie Em’s house on her.

19. According to reports, President Trump’s lawyers and special counsel Robert Mueller discussed a potential January 27, 2018, interview of the President before talks between the two sides stalled. According to sources, talks were so premature that the Trump administration didn’t even have time print up commemorative coins:

20. According to a new study, regular use of a CPAP sleeping machine could help improve some people’s sex lives. Especially people who have always wanted to fuck Babar:

21. A coalition of conservation groups sued the Trump administration on Thursday, accusing the government of slashing protections for migratory birds. Which is bullshit, because whatever’s in that birds nest on top of Trump’s head migrates south every weekend to Mar-a-Lago.

22. On Wednesday, West Hollywood awarded adult film actress Stormy Daniels the key to the city. Stormy and West Hollywood have a lot in common, for instance, you don’t really need a key to get into either of them.

23. On Wednesday, West Hollywood awarded adult film actress Stormy Daniels the key to the city. While Melania said she would settle for the key that let’s her out of the Lincoln bedroom.

24. According to a new study, a smartphone app may not be an effective method of measuring blood pressure in pregnant women. But, it is an very effective way to ruin an iPhone:

25. Earlier this week, Moses Farrow, Woody Allen’s son, wrote a 4,600-word essay defending his father against sex abuse claims. Allen said he was so proud of his son, the only way he could have been prouder is if he were his daughter and knew how to keep a secret.

May 11, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. This year, a 132-pound ovarian tumor was removed from a 38-year-old Connecticut woman. Not to be outdone, this woman got rid of a 230-pound tumor this year:

2. Film producer Harvey Weinstein is fighting back against insurer Chubb, saying they must pay for his legal defense against 11 lawsuits that accuse him of sexually harassment. But much like every robe Weinstein has ever owned, Chubb said there’s no way they can possibly cover it all.

3. After President Trump announced the U.S. withdrawal from the Iran nuclear deal this week, the Supreme Leader of Iran said, Trump, “will turn to dust and his body will become food for snakes and ants.” “Man, that’s a pretty harsh sentence,” said snakes and ants.

4. According to a new study, Hispanic drivers are at twice the risk of falling asleep at the wheel compared to white drivers. Begging the question, is the ‘J’ in Billy Joel silent?

5. Over the weekend, the original manuscript for Alcoholics Anonymous was sold to an NFL team owner for $2.4 million. That’s not surprising, you’d have to be pretty drunk to buy the Cleveland Browns.

6. A Colorado woman has been charged with destruction of property after she allegedly blew up microwave in a 7/11 store while trying to heat up a container of urine before a drug test. Said the store owner, “If you like warm piss, we have some unrefrigerated Mountain Dew in the back.”

7. In Utah, a couple gardening in their yard fund the skeleton of a 16,000 year old horse. And I’m not sure who I feel worse for, the long-dead horse or the guy forced garden with his wife.

8. The governing body of world athletics has suspended five Russian race walkers from competition for training with a banned coach. So I stand corrected, being a competitive race walker is apparently not rock bottom.

9. Last week, during a tense NHL playoff hockey game, a Boston Bruin attempted to lick one of his opponents. “I’m okay with it, as along as those two aren’t married,” said DJ Khalid.

10. President Trump’s lawyer Rudy Giuliani said he feels pretty good about his recent media appearances because “everyone is reacting to us now.” “Agreed,” said a guy who pulled out his dick in a Starbucks.

11. Last week, former Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney said that hotdog was his favorite meat. But added, “If it’s not sunny out, I’ll settle for a lukewarm dog”:

12. Last week, former Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney said that hotdog was his favorite meat. He also said he enjoys “partaking in American style foot ball and creamed ice.”

13. According to reports, people close to Senator John McCain have told the White House that he does not want President Trump to attend to his funeral. And, to rub it in even more, McCain wants his funeral to take place on the back nine of the Trump International Golf Course.

14. Last weekend, a Chipotle threw a burrito-themed baby shower for a couple who given birth to their child in the restaurant’s parking lot. “If they start celebrating every time someone ‘gives birth’ to a six-pound, seven ounce bundle, they’ll never get anything done around here,” said everyone waiting line to use the bathroom.

15. On Tuesday, Vice President Mike Pence’s older brother, Greg Pence, won the Republican nomination for his congressional bid in Indiana. Two Pences on the prowl D.C., you know what that means, hide your ladies, no seriously they don’t like being around women.

16. According to a new poll, less than one in three Americans agrees with President Trump’s decision to pull the United States out of the Iran nuclear deal. While the other third, just heard ‘Trump’ and ‘pull out’ and immediately said yes:

17. On Wednesday, North Korean leader Kim Jong Un related three imprisoned American citizens into the custody of America. Adding, “Now Mr. Trump, you release your hostage”:

18. According to reports, President Trump’s longtime personal lawyer Michael Cohen pitched his access to the President following the 2016 election to potential clients. “How much would fifteen minutes and a hug cost?” said Don Jr.

19. President Trump’s new attorney, Rudy Giuliani, told CNN on Thursday that Trump “wasn’t aware” his longtime personal lawyer Michael Cohen pitched his access to the President to potential clients following the 2016 election. Added Giuliani, “But if you give me $15,000, you can ask Trump that question yourself.”

20. According to a new study, fathers who exercise may have smarter babies. “That’s impressive, but according to my study, the cow goes ruff,” said Don Jr.

21. On Monday, billionaire investor Warren Buffett compared bitcoin to rat poison. “That’s ridiculous, I can’t feed bitcoin to my daughter,” said Casey Anthony.

22. Comedian Ken Jeong, who is a trained physician, stopped in the middle of a performance and attended to a fan in the crowd who was having a seizure. Said Carrot Top, “I cannot even imagine that, what’s it like to have a fan?”