July 31, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. A sketch of the Manhattan skyline drawn by Donald Trump in 2005, sold at auction for $29,000 over the weekend. So, much like Hitler, appreciation for Trump’s artwork also came way too late:

2. A Chicago woman is suing Greyhound for allegedly losing her luggage, which contained her mother’s ashes, while on a trip to Washington last year. Even worse, her mom was alive when the got on the bus.

3. Researchers at Brown University believe that there may be water inside the moon. So now we can add ‘the moon’ the list of places more inhabitable than Flint, Michigan.

4. USC football coach Clay Helton said former Heisman Trophy winning running-back and school alum O.J. Simpson would not be welcome on campus after he is released from prison. Although if I know one thing about O.J., him not being welcomed is not gonna stop him from going places:

5. According to a new report, over the past fifteen years, department stores have lost more jobs than coal mines. And, in some instances, the work conditions at the stores are worse than in the mines:

6. Around thirty hot air balloons took to the skies in Italy on Saturday as part of what organizers refer to as the “most relaxed” event on the international ballooning calendar. Finally a day everyone can get away from the fast-paced, cutthroat, thrill-a-minute world of international ballooning, and just relax.

7. North Korean leader Kim Jong-un said his country’s latest missile launch proves that he is capable of striking anywhere in the United States. And, by the look of Detroit, he may have already done so.

8. The Rikers Island inmate who escaped the New York City jail complex on Wednesday spent most of his seven hours of freedom hiding in bushes. “I completely understand that,” said Sean Spicer:

9. ‘The Emoji Movie’ narrowly escaped a 0% rating, earning 3% approval on the movie rating website ‘Rotten Tomatoes.’ Getting 3% instead of 0% can only mean one thing, Johnny Depp is not in the movie.

10. The Russian Foreign Ministry said it would seize two U.S. diplomatic compounds in Russia in retaliation to new sanctions passed by Congress. Come on, haven’t the Russians already seized enough American houses?:

10 Best Jokes of the Week (as decided by me, I don’t care about your opinion)

1. A Minnesota choir teacher is being charged with having a sexual relationship with a student and sending partially naked photos of herself to him. School officials became suspicious when the boy when from an alto to a baritone in a week.

2. According to reports, Russian intelligence agents created dozens of phony Facebook accounts in an effort to spy on Emmanuel Macron during the French presidential election. That story again, the Russian intelligence agency is composed entirely of jilted ex-girlfriends.

3. Singer Justin Bieber hit a paparazzo with his truck in Beverly Hills Wednesday night. Oh no, is the truck alright?

4. Energy Secretary Rick Perry reportedly took part in a 22-minute phone call with a Russian prankster who he thought was the Prime Minister of Ukraine. Said Perry, “Dammit, I knew ‘Ukraine’ sounded like a made-up country.”

5. Former New England Patriot Aaron Hernandez’s Connecticut home is on the market for $1.3 million. Man, if those walls could talk, Hernandez probably would have murdered them too.

6. A bride-to-be is holding an auction for potential bridesmaids to bid for a place in her wedding. “Going, going, gone,” said someone narrating how the groom reacted to hearing that.

7. Somalia’s al-Shabab extremist group called President Trump a “brainless billionaire” in a new video. In response, President Trump said, “Thank you for calling me a billionaire.”

8. On Friday, newly hired White House communications director Anthony Scaramucci quietly deleted old tweets that were critical of President Trump and his policies. “Wait, you can delete old tweets!?!” asked Trump:

9. While promoting his upcoming movie at Comic Con, actor Will Smith said seeing ‘Star Wars’ for the first time was better than having sex. Said fans in attendance dressed up as their favorite Star Wars character, “I guess we’ll just have to take your word for it.”

10. An angry pregnant wife in Vietnam attacked her cheating husband’s mistress by allegedly forcing red-hot chili peppers into her vagina. “Wow, the acoustics in here are great!” said the Red Hot Chili Peppers:

July 28, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Hillary Clinton’s new memoir on the 2016 presidential race will be released in September. Or, if you just can’t wait until then, you can read it on Wikileaks in August.

2. President Trump lashed out on Twitter on Thursday against the ‘Fake News’ for not reporting that Russian spies had information on his campaign too. Um, I’m pretty sure they did report on that:

3. A Minnesota choir teacher is being charged with having a sexual relationship with a student and sending partially naked photos of herself to him. School officials became suspicious when the boy when from an alto to a baritone in a week.

4. On Thursday, the Trump administration warned of potential repercussions for Alaska after its Senator Lisa Murkowski voted against the Republican backed healthcare bill. Said Alaska, “There’s nothing you can do to us that will hurt worse than what we’ve already done to ourselves”:

5. According to reports, Russian intelligence agents created dozens of phony Facebook accounts in an effort to spy on Emmanuel Macron during the French presidential election. That story again, the Russian intelligence agency is composed entirely of jilted ex-girlfriends.

6. Singer Justin Bieber hit a paparazzo with his truck in Beverly Hills Wednesday night. Oh no, is the truck alright?

7. On Wednesday, White House communications director Anthony Scaramucci compared President Trump’s bid to repeal Obamacare to President Lincoln abolishing slavery. And, in Scaramucci’s defense, both involve trying to sweep the work of black men under the rug.

8. An upcoming episode of PBS’s ‘Finding Your Roots’ uncovers that comedian Larry David is related to politician Bernie Sanders. The exhaustive research to make that discovery involved looking at them.

9. Late Tuesday night, White House communications director Anthony Scaramucci accused chief of staff Reince Priebus of leaking Scaramucci’s public financial disclosure forms to the press. Said Scaramucci, “I know it was you Reince, you broke my heart”:

10. Police pulled over a man in upstate New York who was driving a car with no windshield, no doors and an axe stuck in the roof. Begging the question, it is too early to start putting ‘Kid Rock for Senate 2020’ bumperstickers on cars?

11. Actress Olivia Wilde felt so bad that Jennifer Lawrence vomited from the graphic imagery presented in her theater-version of ‘1984’ that she sent the Oscar winner soup. If that’s the case, then Mickey Rourke’s face owes me a ton of soup.

12. A 44-year-old man in China was recently hospitalized with severe kidney problems after eating fifty-four scoops of ice cream in one sitting. That story again, two down and just fifty-two to go:

13. According to reports, for the first time ever American scientists have successfully edited the DNA of a human embryo. Well, for the first time ever on purpose:

14. According to reports, ‘High Times’ magazine is considering going public with an IPO. Those interested will be able to buy either a quarter, an eighth or a half-eighth of the company.

15. Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos has overtaken Bill Gates to become the richest person in the world, worth over $90 billion. “We’ll see about that,’ said Gates setting up a bunch of phony email addresses to get free trials of Amazon Prime.

16. This week, Patriot head coach Bill Belichick said there are “no limits” on tight-end Rob Gronkowski. Of course, other than anything that involves books.

17. According to Politico, President Trump and Attorney General Jeff Sessions are not longer on speaking terms. “But that implies they once were and, follow-up question, what was that like?” asked Eric Trump.

18. South Korean President Moon Jae-in on Wednesday welcomed a rescue dog to his official Blue House residence. It’s the first time a dog has come to the residence since the previous night when they ordered delivery food.

19. A swimming pool in Australia has put up signs targeted at migrants telling them not to grope women or enter the female changing room. “But that just applies to migrants, right?” said Trump backstage at a beauty pageant.

20. A rugby player in Australia, who forgot he had a three-week-old child after suffering a vicious tackle, is suing the opposing team for $1.4 million. And, in related news, President Trump is willing to pay $1.4 million for someone to recreate that hit on him:

21. Officials at a zoo in Tokyo are eliciting suggestions online for names for a newly born panda cub. Or, they could just cut out the middleman, and name it Panda McPandaface.

22. Authorities in Alabama arrested a man after he brought his daughter to a drug deal. Said the man, “I learned two valuable lessons today. Don’t bring a child to a drug deal. And my daughter has a street value of three and a half pounds of cocaine.”

23. A mom was arrested at a Queens casino for leaving her 10-year-old daughter inside their parked car for an hour and a half while she gambled. Although, in her defense, the last time she brought a kid into the casino, she lost her son on the river.

24. Ivanka Trump shared some photos of her daughter’s recent sixth birthday party, including an image of marshmallows on hot dogs. Alright, now she really is a fucking monster.

25. A six-week online program, taught in Russian, teaches students how to steal credit card data and hack PayPal accounts. Said recent graduate Donald Trump Jr., “Actually the course is mostly about adoptions.”

July 27, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Energy Secretary Rick Perry reportedly took part in a 22-minute phone call with a Russian prankster who he thought was the Prime Minister of Ukraine. Said Perry, “Dammit, I knew ‘Ukraine’ sounded like a made-up country.”

2. Energy Secretary Rick Perry reportedly took part in a 22-minute phone call with a Russian prankster who he thought was the Prime Minister of Ukraine. That story again, a prank caller in Russia definitely has the nuclear codes now.

3. While giving a speech in Ohio Tuesday night, President Trump said, “with the exception of the late great Abraham Lincoln, I could be more presidential than any president who has ever held this office.” Adding, “And I should know, I’m a student of history, just ask my good friend Frederick Douglass.”

4. On Tuesday, an alleged bank robber stripped down and ran naked along a Florida roadway in a failed bid to evade the cops. Florida, where stripping down naked and running on a highway is seen as an attempt to blend in.

5. Former New England Patriot Aaron Hernandez’s Connecticut home is on the market for $1.3 million. Man, if those walls could talk, Hernandez probably would have murdered them too.

6. Longevity expert Dr. Shigeaki Hinohara died this week at the age of 105. He is survived by some pretty smug 106-year-olds.

7. According to a new study, the average number of guests at a lesbian wedding is 87. And, unsurprisingly, they all order the fish.

8. A bride-to-be is holding an auction for potential bridesmaids to bid for a place in her wedding. “Going, going, gone,” said someone narrating how the groom reacted to hearing that.

9. A temporary O.J. Simpson museum is set to open in Los Angeles next month. And, if you need someone who has experience collecting O.J. memorabilia, I know a guy:

10. At a rally in Ohio Tuesday night, President Trump said, if he had not been elected, the Second Amendment would have been “gonezo.” Which is the second time he’s mentioned a Muppet:

July 26, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Monday, President Trump spoke to a large gathering of Boy Scouts saying, “there’s no better feeling than an achievement that you’ve earned with your own sweat, tears, resolve, hardwork.” Adding, “And of course a small $10 million, interest-free loan from your father.

2. On Monday, President Trump spoke to 40,000 Boy Scouts at the organization’s annual jamboree. And what better person to speak to a group of kids who get merit badges for tying knots than someone who has done it three times and counting:

3. A Danish company is selling makeup for your vagina. “Do you sell a concealer?” asked women around Bill Cosby.

4. Italian police said on Monday they had arrested two brothers suspected of robbing dozens of cash machines while wearing masks of President Trump. Authorities knew it wasn’t actually Trump because during the hold-up the robbers stuck to their script and didn’t once mention their huge electoral college victory.

5. According to new research, sperm counts in men from America have dropped by more than 50 percent in less than 40 years. Which I have a hard time believing considering how sticky the floor on the G train always is.

6. New research found the brains of 99 percent of former NFL players studied showed signs of a disease linked to repeated hits to the head that can lead to dementia. While the remaining 1 percent wasn’t a football player:

7. According to reports in Australia, Justin Bieber abruptly cancelled his concert tour to focus on opening up his own church. “What happened? We had such a great partnership,” asked the Devil.

8. A woman in Detroit was arrested for attempting to train squirrels to attack her ex-boyfriend. Even worse, this is her ex-boyfriend:

9. New research shows that ancient humans had sex with non-human species. That story again, even 150,000 years ago, there was still a South.

10. A new terminal is set to open in Singapore’s Changi Airport that, in theory, will allow passengers to go all the way from check-in to boarding without speaking to another person. You know, it’s not the speaking that gets to me:

July 25, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Somalia’s al-Shabab extremist group called President Trump a “brainless billionaire” in a new video. In response, President Trump said, “Thank you for calling me a billionaire.”

2. In a new interview, President Trump said “I love balloons, okay? Like you have no idea how much I love balloons.” Well, there is an undeniable attraction between the two:

3. According to reports, President Trump is considering replacing Attorney General Jeff Sessions with former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani. Despite Chris Christie’s best efforts:

4. According to reports, President Trump is considering replacing Attorney General Jeff Sessions with former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani. Because apparently Trump thinks the job has a height requirement:

5. There is a 91-year-old airline mechanic who still works on planes at JFK Airport. Well, he doesn’t so much work on planes, as he looks over other mechanic’s shoulders while they’re working and says, “That’s not how Wilbur and Orville did it.”

6. The University of South Alabama’s football practice facility collapsed Saturday in Mobile, during construction. As opposed to the Atlanta Falcons, who usually wait until the fourth quarter to collapse.

7. According to a new study, a quarter of Americans think the sun goes around the Earth. Really, I would have guessed that number was a little higher:

8. 10. Over the weekend, Kellyanne Conway defended President Trump’s lies by saying, “He doesn’t think he’s lying.” Which is reminiscent of Johnny Cochran’s famous, ‘What is murder, anyway?’ defense.

9. New White House communications director Anthony Scaramucci said he wants Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders to continue to use the hair and make-up people she used on Friday, presumably because Scaramucci thought she looked good. “Maybe if you had said nice things like that about me I wouldn’t have quit,” said Sean Spicer.

10. A Florida sheriff’s deputy has been fired after authorities say he took partially naked photos of himself while on duty at the county courthouse. Even worse, from the look of the pictures, right before he snapped them, someone said “all rise.”

July 24, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. The U.S. will reportedly ban Americans from traveling to North Korea. That story again, Dennis Rodman will have to find a new way to desperately seek attention.

2. Over the weekend, actor Ben Affleck confirmed that he will continue to portray Batman in upcoming films. Which explains this recent photo:

3. The legal Bunny Ranch brothel in Nevada has offered O.J. Simpson a job as a greeter. Of course, if he accepts, it won’t be the first time he’s in a room covered in other people’s DNA, allegedly.

4. On Friday, White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer resigned. Spicer said he is hoping that his previous, more dignified job is still available:

5. On Friday, newly hired White House communications director Anthony Scaramucci quietly deleted old tweets that were critical of President Trump and his policies. “Wait, you can delete old tweets!?!” asked Trump:

6. While promoting his upcoming movie at Comic Con, actor Will Smith said seeing ‘Star Wars’ for the first time was better than having sex. Said fans in attendance dressed up as their favorite Star Wars character, “I guess we’ll just have to take your word for it.”

7. An angry pregnant wife in Vietnam attacked her cheating husband’s mistress by allegedly forcing red-hot chili peppers into her vagina. “Wow, the acoustics in here are great!” said the Red Hot Chili Peppers:

8. Police in San Francisco said a man was mugged and the two assailants made off with his ventriloquist dummy. Police are hoping to track down the muggers to thank them.

9. A 22-year-old named Fellony Hudson is accused of felony kidnapping, felony eluding and felony possession of a stolen car. And don’t even ask what his brother Sodomy Hudson is being charged with.

10. Kellyanne Conway said Sunday that CNN made a “business decision” to be “unfair” to President Trump. Just like Conway made a business decision to give that apple to Snow White.

10 Best Jokes of the Week (as decided by me, I don’t care about your opinion)

1. The people behind ‘Game of Thrones’ are making a new HBO show set in a world where the South won the Civil War. It will be like ‘Game of Thrones’ but with more incest.

2. David and Victoria Beckham’s 12-year-old son Cruz is recording an album. So, hopefully, Cruz inherited his looks from his father and his singing voice also from his father.

3. Frances Gabe, the creator of the only self-cleaning house, died Tuesday at the age of 101. He died doing what he loved, leaving behind a mess for someone else to clean up.

4. Fox News has hired former LAPD detective Mark Fuhrman to analyze O.J. Simpson’s upcoming parole hearing. That ridiculous story again, a white cop who is best known for using the n-word wasn’t already working for Fox News.

5. A 56-year-old man in China has been dressing as a woman for 20 years to help his mentally ill mother cope with the death of his sister. Said the old woman, “I love my beautiful daughter, not like my good-for-nothing son who never visits anymore.”

6. President Trump on Tuesday said he is disappointed that the latest Republican effort to repeal and replace Obamacare in the Senate failed. And, even worse, he can’t even cheer himself up because they already took the fire truck away:

7. Hillary Clinton’s unused election night confetti has been repurposed and put into snow globes. There was a lot of confetti to begin with and, then, after the results came in, Hillary made some of her own:

8. According to a new study, Indonesia is the laziest country in the world. Asked what they thought of the study, the people of Indonesia said, “We’ll read it later.”

9. Last week, President Trump said his long-promised border wall will have “openings” to see through. Said Trump, “It’ll be just like the walls I built backstage for the Miss Teen USA Pageant.”

10. Russian President Vladimir Putin said on Friday that he hoped for further dialogue with President Trump after their meeting in Germany earlier this month. That story again, Putin waited the customary four days before asking for a second date.

July 21, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. The people behind ‘Game of Thrones’ are making a new HBO show set in a world where the South won the Civil War. It will be like ‘Game of Thrones’ but with more incest.

2. David and Victoria Beckham’s 12-year-old son Cruz is recording an album. So, hopefully, Cruz inherited his looks from his father and his singing voice also from his father.

3. At his parole hearing yesterday, O.J. Simpson said, once released, he would like to live in Florida. Which means the most dangerous job in Florida just changed from alligator wrangler to waiter.

4. President Trump said he had a second shorter meeting with Russian President Vladimir Putin at the recent G20 Summit where the two leaders exchanged pleasantries and talked about adoption. Specifically, whether Putin wanted to adopt Eric.

5. In a new interview, President Trump said French President Emmanuel Macron “loves holding my hand.” Probably because it makes Macron’s hands look huge.

6. In a new interview, President Trump said French President Emmanuel Macron “loves holding my hand.” Adding, “Unlike some people, Vlad.”

7. In response to President Trump’s recent comments, Jeff Sessions said he will stay on as Attorney General “as long as that is appropriate.” So, I guess Sessions will resign four months ago.

8. A Cambodian widow believes a 5-month-old calf she found outside her house is her reincarnated husband. Said the elderly woman’s daughter, “I keep telling you, dad didn’t die, he left you, mainly because of shit like this.”

9. Police in Cleveland say a restaurant customer, angry about the way his sandwich tasted and looked, threatened to shoot somebody over it. That story again, they have Arby’s in Cleveland.

10. According to ‘People’ magazine, Donald Trump Jr. “goes to work every day and is miserable” and “can’t wait for these four years to be over.” He truly is his father’s son:

11. According to ‘The New York Times,’ former Trump campaign manager Paul Manafort is in debt to pro-Russia interests by as much as $17 million. Which could be the most in debt anyone working on the Trump campaign was to Russia depending on how much a pee tape is worth.

12. Newly uncovered evidence suggests that humans arrived in Australia thousands of years earlier than previously thought. Said the archaeologist who made the discovery, “That’s not a fossil. This is a fossil.”

13. A new study found that make-up sex after a fight isn’t always good for your relationship. Especially if you’re doing it with someone other than your partner.

14. Last week, Paris Hilton announced her return to music by releasing a sneak peak of her new song. I haven’t heard it yet, but I did hear a guy audible fart on the G train this morning, so I feel like I have.

15. A woman sleeping on the New York City subway woke up to find a man urinating on her face. Said the man, “I’m so sorry, I was trying to masturbate.”

16. A Detroit woman said the robber who stole her purse Friday sent a semi-nude photo of her to all the contacts in her cellphone. “I never knew you felt this way,” said her grandpa.

17. According to a new study, men named Wayne are most likely to cheat on their partners. “No, no, my name is Gary,” said a guy named Wayne getting caught cheating.

18. Donald Trump’s campaign paid $50,000 to the law office now representing Donald Trump Jr. a little more than a week before news surfaced of an unreported meeting with a Russian attorney. That unbelievable story again, Donald Trump actually paid someone for services rendered.

July 20, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Tuesday, the Trump name was removed from a downtown hotel in Canada. “I didn’t realize it was that easy to take the Trump name off of something?” said President Trump eyeing Eric.

2. Frances Gabe, the creator of the only self-cleaning house, died Tuesday at the age of 101. He died doing what he loved, leaving behind a mess for someone else to clean up.

3. According to ‘People’ magazine, Donald Trump Jr. “goes to work every day and is miserable” and “can’t wait for these four years to be over.” Which is easily the most relatable Don Jr. has ever been.

4. O.J. Simpson was recently caught masturbating in his prison cell. Or, as every headline about the story should read, O.J. caught squeezing the juice.

5. It was revealed Wednesday that two new books set in the Harry Potter universe will be released in October. They’ll be similar to the previous Potter books except now, when the characters talk about “He Who Shall Not Be Named,” they have to be more specific:

6. Porn provider Pornhub reported that their site’s traffic was down 4.5% on Sunday night when HBO aired the season premiere of ‘Game of Thrones.’ That story again, nerds are terrible at multitasking.

7. According to a new poll, Hillary Clinton is still less popular than Donald Trump. What do you mean ‘still’?:

8. According to a dissident Chinese billionaire, China has over 25,000 spies in the US. “Good lord, I’m never gonna be able to secretly meet with all of them about ‘adoption’,” said Donald Trump Jr.

9. In a new interview, singer Aaron Carter said he and his brother Nick, of Backstreet Boys fame, are not on speaking terms. And, I have to say, I don’t know which one of the brothers I’m more jealous of.

10. According to a new study, one in five Americans would not be able to pay their bills within one month of losing their job. So, I hope you’ve been saving up, Sean Spicer.