March 31, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. A café where patrons can stroke a cat while sipping their latte has opened on the fringe of London’s financial district. Stressed-out workers see it as a way to unwind after a long day’s work, while single women in their late thirties see it as practice.

2. According to a new study, switching over to daylight saving time, and losing one hour, raised the risk of having a heart attack the following Monday by 25 percent. “What’s 25 percent more than 100 percent?” said Dick Cheney.

3. A man suspected of murder was arrested in Nicaragua one day after moving onto the FBI’s Ten Most Wanted List. “Dammit,” said number eleven.

4. According to a new study, adults hospitalized with mild head injuries have almost double the risk of dying in the following fifteen years compared to similar people with no history of head injury. Counterpoint: Gary Busey.

5. San Francisco 49ers cornerback Chris Culliver was arrested in California on Friday on felony hit-and-run and weapons charges. It may still be the offseason, but it looks like Culliver is already in midseason form.

6. France’s trade minister had to apologize on Friday after she was caught on tape saying that food served at a state dinner for Chinese President Xi Jinping was “disgusting.” But, in her defense, she is French.

7. A 1936 Nobel Peace Prize medal, only the second such medal to be sold at auction, has fetched $1.1 million in a sale to a private Asian collector on Friday. Proving wrong all those who said Kim Jong-Un would never get a Nobel Peace Prize.

8. Secretary of State John Kerry met with Russian Foreign Minister Sergey Lavrov on Sunday to discuss the crisis in Ukraine. Or, more accurately, Kerry talked and Lavrov tried his best to stay awake.

9. Residents of southern California were rattled by a 4.1 magnitude earthquake Saturday afternoon, the largest of more than 100 aftershocks following Friday’s 5.1 shaker. I know geologist are saying that these smaller quakes are aftershocks, but I’m not ruling out them being the Devil trying to send Fred Phelps back.

10. Today is Opening Day for Major League Baseball and somehow the Mets are already 32 games back and mathematically eliminated.

10 Best Jokes of the Week (as decided by me, I don’t care about your opinion)

1. A congressional candidate in Alabama is talking aim at Obamacare in a campaign ad in which he fires rounds from several weapons into a paper copy of the healthcare reform law. Or, as it is known in Alabama, reading.

2. Peter McGraith and David Cabreza are set to marry at the stroke of midnight tonight in London, becoming Britain’s first same-sex married couple. The two plan to celebrate by smoking a couple of fags and then, afterwards, they’ll probably have a cigarette.

3. Mantecore, the white tiger who attacked Roy Horn of Siegfried & Roy in 2003, died yesterday. And, in unrelated news, Roy has a beautiful new white fur coat.

4. Yesterday rapper P Diddy said he wants to return to his old name of Puff Daddy. “Fine. That doesn’t really affect what I’ve always called you,” said Paula Deen.

5. On Wednesday, a local anthropologist said the human remains found by two children playing in the desert hills of Arizona last year are that of an American Indian who lived about 1,800 years ago. “I’ll be sure to incorporate that fact into my never-ending nightmares,” said the kids.

6. The new movie “Noah” has received the Pope’s blessing. In fact, everyone who’s seen the movie has enjoyed it, except for the guy sitting behind the Pope.

7. New research shows that doing upwards of three hours of homework a night may be making students sick. The study was conducted by three third-graders, on each other’s shoulders, dressed in one long trench coat.

8. Last week a Virginia woman showed-up drunk and naked to visit her husband in jail. Even worse, she was also smuggling a file.

9. Former President Jimmy Carter said Sunday he believes the NSA is monitoring his emails. But, to be fair, the 89-year-old also thinks his toaster is cooperating with the Russians.

10. President Obama tweeted his congratulations to the University of Dayton for its “huge upset win” over Syracuse on Saturday in the NCAA men’s basketball tournament. While Mitt Romney tweeted to Syracuse telling them winning isn’t everything, they still have a much bigger endowment than Dayton and, in the end, isn’t that what really matters the most.

March 28, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. A New Jersey man who was released last week after fifteen years in prison for robbing a shoe store was arrested the next day for robbing the exact same store. But, in the man’s defense, the sign outside the store did say “pay-less.”

2. Chinese police discovered that a female prostitute who escaped them by running up a tree was actually a man. They made this discovery when they noticed that two of the tree’s acorns looked “a little weird.”

3. On Wednesday, President Obama met with Pope Francis at the Vatican. As a gift symbolic of their burgeoning relationship the President gave the Pope a bag of seeds, adding, “You’re gonna need these once I ruin the world’s economy.”

4. On Thursday, Jordan Linn Graham, the newlywed who pushed her husband off a cliff just days after their marriage, was sentenced to 30 years in prison. Said the judge, “30 years in jail should give you a pretty good approximation of what it would have felt like to be married.”

5. A congressional candidate in Alabama is talking aim at Obamacare in a campaign ad in which he fires rounds from several weapons into a paper copy of the healthcare reform law. Or, as it is known in Alabama, reading.

6. A colon cancer screening method that analyzes DNA from stool samples won the backing of a U.S. advisory panel on Thursday. Said one doctor, “Well you don’t have colon cancer, but you may want to consider cutting back on your corn intake.”

7. According to a new study, people who live the farthest from liver transplant centers may be less likely to get on a waiting list, and ultimately to get a liver, than those who live closer. “Looks like I’m moving,” said David Hasselhoff.

8. Yesterday, on the Upper East Side of Manhattan, an ATM machine opened up that only dispenses cupcakes. Or, as Chris Christie refers to them, currency.

9. Peter McGraith and David Cabreza are set to marry at the stroke of midnight tonight in London, becoming Britain’s first same-sex married couple. The two plan to celebrate by smoking a couple of fags and then, afterwards, they’ll probably have a cigarette.

10. Katie Francis, an Oklahoma City girl scout, broke a 30-year-old record by selling 18,107 boxes of cookies. Katie credits her accomplishment to her dad’s new job in the New Jersey Governor’s Office.

11. A New Jersey public work’s inspector admitted to stealing $460,000 in coins from parking meters. “Get your cup ready, the motherload has come in,” said one homeless guy to another.

12. Yesterday North Korea enacted a new law under which all North Korean men must sport the same haircut as their Supreme Leader Kim Jong-Un. Well, now I understand why those 11,721,838 men have the same terrible haircut, but that still doesn’t explain why Kim Jong-Un chooses to wear it.

13. Last night, Joan Rivers appeared on “the Tonight Show” ending her 25-year ban. Actually the ban is still in place but she was able to sneak in because security had a picture of her from five years ago.

14. During yesterday’s Toronto mayoral debate, current Mayor Rob Ford was called “an international embarrassment.” Said Ford, “International embarrassment? Justin Bieber. Nickelback. Celine Dion. That’s our main export.”

15. Astronomers have nicknamed 2012 VP113, the newly discovered tiny planet that lies beyond Pluto, Biden after our current Vice President. Said Biden, “Hey, that means I’m close to Uranus.” Then he laughed for like 20 minutes straight.

16. Swarthmore College is offering a course entitled “the Sociology of Miley Cyrus.” That story again, Swarthmore College is offering sex ed.

March 27, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. Mantecore, the white tiger who attacked Roy Horn of Siegfried & Roy in 2003, died yesterday. And, in unrelated news, Roy has a beautiful new white fur coat.

2. Yesterday rapper P Diddy said he wants to return to his old name of Puff Daddy. “Fine. That doesn’t really affect what I’ve always called you,” said Paula Deen.

3. Osama bin Laden’s son-in-law was found guilty Wednesday in a New York federal court of helping al Qaeda terrorists conspire to kill Americans. Said the son-in-law, “I knew I shouldn’t have taken her last name.”

4. Yesterday scientists found evidence of an asteroid that orbits between Saturn and Uranus that has a ring around it, the first discovery of its kind. Said your last single girlfriend, “Even asteroids now?”

5. On Tuesday, actress Gwyneth Paltrow announced her split from husband-musician Chris Martin. In a statement released by Paltrow, the actress avoided the term “divorce” instead claiming that it was a “conscious uncoupling” and, in light of that, I’m gonna have to side with Martin on this one.

6. On Wednesday, a local anthropologist said the human remains found by two children playing in the desert hills of Arizona last year are that of an American Indian who lived about 1,800 years ago. “I’ll be sure to incorporate that fact into my never-ending nightmares,” said the kids.

7. Yesterday, after Steve Masiello agreed to become the new head coach of the University of South Florida men’s basketball team, the university rescinded the offer when a background check revealed that he didn’t graduate from the University of Kentucky like his resume claimed. School officials became suspicious of Masiello’s Kentucky education once they realized he was able to count to 20 without taking his shoes off.

8. On Wednesday, astronomers announced the discovery of 2012 VP113, a planet that is so small and so far away that its orbit reaches into a new edge of our solar system. “Okay, now I feel like you’re just fucking with me,” said Pluto.

9. Yesterday a Danish Zoo killed four lions to make room for a new male lion. And so starts the plot of the new Disney movie “The Lion Dictator.”

10. According to the U.S. Department of Agriculture, the amount of pork in U.S. cold storage facilities in February reached a record high for a third straight month. “They call me ‘the Fixer,’” said Chris Christie.

March 26, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. There are rumors the Backstreet Boys and the Spice Girls may be teaming up for a world tour. Which many experts see as Obama’s biggest threat to Putin as of yet.

2. Kentucky Senator Mitch McConnell is getting a lot of flak for a reelection campaign video that features a clip of Duke’s basketball team celebrating a victory instead of the in-state Kentucky Wildcats. But, in McConnell’s defense, any Wildcat victory he showed from any of head coach John Calipari’s teams will most likely be vacated sometime in the near future anyway.

3. Not Italy and not France, but Spain was the world’s biggest wine producer in 2013. Upon hearing the news, one wine enthusiast said, “That’s amazing. Hoda’s Spanish, or something weird like that.”

4. Bill O’Reilly told the Washington Post that he is like Jesus because Jesus was the most hated man 2000 years ago. “I get to be Judas,” said everyone in the world in unison.

5. Actress Emma Watson has hired a former NYPD officer for $160,000 a year to protect her from stalkers. Or as stalkers will see it, Emma’s playing hard-to-get.

6. Ralph Wilson, owner of the Buffalo Bills, died yesterday at the age of 95. Fortunately, if anyone is particularly skilled at dealing with loss, it’s Buffalo Bills fans.

7. According to a local newspaper, the corpse of a 66-year-old German woman who died more than six months ago was found in her apartment, in front of a television set that was still on. Authorities stumbled upon the body after attempting to locate the only person watching “American Idol” this season.

8. On Tuesday, the Chief Justice of Kenya’s Supreme Court told residents to take their disputes to witchdoctors instead of adding cases to the already overcrowded court system. “The government urging its citizens to go to doctors? Maybe I am from Kenya,” said President Obama.

9. Prior to this weekend’s nuclear summit, Japan has agreed to turn over hundreds of kilograms of sensitive nuclear material to the U.S. to be disposed of. “Look who’s been upgraded from U.S. to world’s dump, now,” said New Jersey.

10. Pope Francis, in an annual ceremony held to remember the hundreds of innocent people murdered by the Italian mafia, made a solemn plea for mobsters to change or else “end up in hell.” Then he quickly got back into his bullet-proof Pope-mobile.

March 25, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. The new movie “Noah” has received the Pope’s blessing. In fact, everyone who’s seen the movie has enjoyed it, except for the guy sitting behind the Pope.

2. President Vladimir Putin launched a program to improve the physical fitness of Russians on Monday. The program consists of identifying “physically fit” countries, studying their exercise habits and then invading those countries.

3. Mikhail Prokhorov, the owner of the Brooklyn Nets, said on Monday he plans to relocate the company that runs the basketball team to Russia after the Kremlin’s call on Russian businessmen to repatriate their assets. Said NBA officials, “Can you take the Knicks with you, too?”

4. Mikhail Prokhorov, the owner of the Brooklyn Nets, said on Monday he plans to relocate the company that runs the basketball team to Russia after the Kremlin’s call on Russian businessmen to repatriate their assets. Said the Nets players, “Well, it’s still better than going back to New Jersey.”

5. According to rumors, actors Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis are expecting their first child together. So congratulations to Bruce Willis on becoming a great-grandfather.

6. According to rumors, actors Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis are expecting their first child together. Turns out John Deere trucker hats make terrible condoms.

7. Rush Limbaugh is a finalist for author of the year from the Children’s Book Council. So maybe it’s not our kids’ fault that they don’t read anymore.

8. 4-year-old Rukshar Khatoon has become a national symbol of progress for India as she is the final documented case of polio in the country. Said Khatoon, “Lucky me?”

9. Katie Francis, an Oklahoma City girl scout, broke a 30-year-old record by selling 18,107 boxes of cookies. That story again, Katie’s parents work with a lot of fat people.

10. A Florida burglar was arrested last week after he left his ID at the scene of the crime. Said the burglar, “Yeah, I still haven’t figured out how this whole ‘calling card’ thing works.”

March 24, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. New research shows that doing upwards of three hours of homework a night may be making students sick. The study was conducted by three third-graders, on each other’s shoulders, dressed in one long trench coat.

2. Embattled online money exchange Mt. Gox said Friday that it has found 200,000 bitcoins in a “forgotten” digital wallet. A discovery that is worth $116 million or nothing.

3. On Friday, President Obama filled out his women’s NCAA tournament bracket, picking undefeated UConn to beat Notre Dame in the title game. Obama’s pick of UConn to win it all goes against the popular consensus pick of “Who gives a fuck.”

4. North Carolina police are looking for a man who posed as a podiatrist and sucked a woman’s toes at a local Wal-Mart. Which may seem like a hard crime to commit, but you gotta remember it was a North Carolina Wal-Mart, thus no one was wearing shoes to begin with.

5. Last week a Virginia woman showed-up drunk and naked to visit her husband in jail. Even worse, she was also smuggling a file.

6. The U.S. on Friday said it was disappointed at the lack of an apology from Israeli Defense Minister Moshe Yaalon for his criticism of U.S. policies in a speech last Monday. Said Yaalon, “I have a Jewish mother, so good luck guilting me in to an apology.”

7. Former President Jimmy Carter said Sunday he believes the NSA is monitoring his emails. But, to be fair, the 89-year-old also thinks his toaster is cooperating with the Russians.

8. President Obama tweeted his congratulations to the University of Dayton for its “huge upset win” over Syracuse on Saturday in the NCAA men’s basketball tournament. While Mitt Romney tweeted to Syracuse telling them winning isn’t everything, they still have a much bigger endowment than Dayton and, in the end, isn’t that what really matters the most.

9. A replica of a U.S. aircraft carrier spotted near the coast of Iran, that many speculated was built just to blow-up for propaganda, is, according to Iranian media, merely a prop for a movie. I don’t know what’s scarier, the idea that Iran would go to such lengths solely for propaganda purposes or that there may be an Iranian Michael Bay.

10. A New York teacher was caught stealing tubas from the school music program and then reselling them to fund her heroin habit. Say what you will, but you gotta be impressed by the drug dealer who is willing to be paid in tubas.

10 Best Jokes of the Week (as decided by me, I don’t care about your opinion)

1. Justin Bieber is selling his L.A. mansion and the reported buyer may be Khloe Kardashian. So finally they’ll be a “man of the house.”

2. Due to an unexpected delay in his trial, former Olympic star Oscar Pistorius is selling the home he killed his girlfriend in to pay his legal expenses. It’s perfect for the home buyer who doesn’t read the news.

3. A “babyhatch” in China, a place where mothers can drop-off unwanted babies, was forced to shut-down due to an excess of abandoned babies. “So this must be what the conquistadors felt like when they heard tales of the city of El Dorado,” said Jerry Sandusky.

4. A “babyhatch” in China, a place where mothers can drop-off unwanted babies, was forced to shut-down due to an excess of abandoned babies. China went with the “babyhatch” nickname once it realized Wal-Mart had trademarked the phrase “dollar bin.”

5. A California toddler survived a three-story plunge when a quick-thinking couple moving into a nearby house threw their mattress under the boy to break his fall. Said the kid’s parents, “Oh, just the bathwater.”

6. A state owned Chinese insurer will offer residents of Beijing insurance coverage against health risks caused by air pollution. Said one resident, “Where do I sign? No, seriously, where do I sign? I literally cannot see three feet in front of me.”

7. On Sunday, design students in England developed a new toilet that cuts water usage in half by having users manually tip the contents of the toilet into a drain. That story again, design students in England developed a bucket.

8. A 4.4 magnitude earthquake struck Los Angeles early yesterday morning. “Oh good, it wasn’t just me,” said Michael J. Fox.

9. According to a study published last week, a new vaginal gel may potentially protect against HIV when applied up to a few hours after sex. “That’s great, now I don’t have to break the news to them until afterwards,” said the Situation.

10. A Playboy model is suing after a stunt in which a golf ball was tee’d up and hit off of her butt went wrong. Apparently she misunderstood when they told her the stunt would involve her “centerfold.”

March 21, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. Justin Bieber is selling his L.A. mansion and the reported buyer may be Khloe Kardashian. So finally they’ll be a “man of the house.”

2. Yesterday E*Trade bid farewell to the iconic E*Trade baby who starred in its TV commercials for the past seven years. So now, that baby on “Modern Family” and Pat Robertson are the only people left on TV who wear diapers.

3. Yesterday E*Trade bid farewell to the iconic E*Trade baby who starred in its TV commercials for the past seven years. 7 years? That baby definitely had some work done.

4. Due to an unexpected delay in his trial, former Olympic star Oscar Pistorius is selling the home he killed his girlfriend in to pay his legal expenses. It’s perfect for the home buyer who doesn’t read the news.

5. The Vatican library began a project on Thursday to digitize thousands of historical manuscripts, dating all the way back to the origins of the Church, and make them available online. So finally I’ll be able to read Virgil’s “Vergilius Vaticanus” from 400 A.D. the way the author always intended, on my iPad while I’m sitting on the crapper.

6. On Thursday, Illinois’ Speaker of the House unveiled a plan that would slap a tax on millionaires in the state in an effort to raise $1 billion a year for school funding. The Speaker was forced to go with his plan B to raise the billion after Dayton beat Ohio State yesterday.

7. On Thursday, first lady Michelle Obama arrived in Beijing to begin a week-long trip throughout China. Which means two things, Chinese people are about to get an earful about eating healthy and, for the next week, Sasha and Malia will be eating cake for breakfast.

8. Fred Phelps, the pastor who led a small Kansas church’s vitriolic “God Hates Fags” anti-gay campaign across the U.S., died yesterday. My parents always taught me never to speak ill of the dead, so I’m happy I made sure to call him a “fucking asshole” while he was still alive.

9. According to a new study, children whose mothers pay close attention to how much time they spend watching TV and playing video games tend to weigh less. “Yeah, it’s definitely the lack of TV and video games that’s making us skinny,” said kids in Somalia.

10. A mumps outbreak at Ohio State University has grown to 28 cases and officials are concerned the number could rise with students now returning from spring break. Said those students, “Oh, don’t worry, that’s not the mumps.”

11. Researchers in China have developed smart tags that stick to containers and change colors when the food goes bad. “Well, we had a good run,” said Taco Bell.

12. In a recent speech, Republican presidential hopeful Rand Paul compared the GOP’s need to change to a recent Domino’s Pizza campaign to improve the taste of its crust. “If you’re looking for someone stuffed with cheese, I’m your guy,” said Chris Christie.

March 20, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. A “babyhatch” in China, a place where mothers can drop-off unwanted babies, was forced to shut-down due to an excess of abandoned babies. “There’s an easy solution to that problem,” said Casey Anthony.

2. A “babyhatch” in China, a place where mothers can drop-off unwanted babies, was forced to shut-down due to an excess of abandoned babies. “So this must be what the conquistadors felt like when they heard tales of the city of El Dorado,” said Jerry Sandusky.

3. A “babyhatch” in China, a place where mothers can drop-off unwanted babies, was forced to shut-down due to an excess of abandoned babies. China went with the “babyhatch” nickname once it realized Wal-Mart had trademarked the phrase “dollar bin.”

4. Yesterday, President Obama picked the Michigan State Spartans to win this year’s NCAA basketball tournament. While Speaker of the House John Boehner picked the Syracuse Orangemen for obvious reasons.

5. On Wednesday, President Obama said Massachusetts Governor Deval Patrick would make “a great president.” But, to be fair, he also thought he’d be good at the job, too.

6. A California toddler survived a three-story plunge when a quick-thinking couple moving into a nearby house threw their mattress under the boy to break his fall. Said the kid’s parents, “Oh, just the bathwater.”

7. According to a new study, breastfeeding past two years of age may be linked to tooth decay in infants. But that lack of teeth will come in handy when they grow-up to be creepy-weirdos.

8. Kathie Lee Gifford announced yesterday that she is launching her own brand of wine. Just what Kathie Lee needs, easier access to wine.

9. A town in upstate New York is giving wild deer birth control in order to curb the deer population. I thought we already had that, it’s called hunting.

10. A man in New Hampshire was arrested for trying to steal chicken products by stuffing them in his pants. Said the officer upon arrest, “Where’s the beef?”