Monthly Archives: December 2017

December 29, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Last week, Dutch ambassador Peter Hoekstra lied to a news reporter about comments he perviously made, and then, when confronted with those comments, lied about lying. Said Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos, “The lying gets worse, I just checked a map and there’s no such place as Dutch”

2. The man who dropped off a gift-wrapped box of horse manure to Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin’s Los Angeles home said he did so in response to Congress’s newly passed tax bill. But that’s not a good comparison because at least the man gift-wrapped his package of shit.

3. A man in Mexico who claims to have a 19-inch penis says his member makes it impossible for him to hold down a job because he can’t kneel or wear a uniform. In other news, A-Rod hit 696 home runs with a career batting average of .295:

4. According to the numbers, Donald Trump visited a Trump-owned property over 100 times in his first year as president. And the number goes up dramatically if you consider Mitch McConnell and Paul Ryan Trump-owned properties.

5. Callista Gingrich, wife of former speaker of the House of Representatives Newt Gingrich, on Friday became U.S. ambassador to the Vatican. That crazy story again, the woman who is married to Newt Gingrich and has presumably seen him naked still believes in God.

6. Michelin-starred chef Massimo Bottura plans to open two new restaurants in Paris and Naples next year, where the food will be free, made from supermarket scraps and served only to the poor. Or, as it’s more commonly known. Arby’s.

7. On Sunday, President Trump lashed out at the media tweeting, “The Fake News refuses to talk about how Big and how Strong our Base is.” I don’t know about strong, but they’ve definitely reported about how big your base is:

8. A topless protester was detained by Vatican police on Monday for attempting to steal the doll of baby Jesus from the Vatican’s nativity scene. Said the Pope, “What can I say? Bitches be cray”

9. According to a report, government officials are imploring Prince Harry not to invite former President Obama to his upcoming wedding for fear of enraging President Trump. You think Trump will be mad, wait until Jeff Sessions finds out Harry’s fiancee is half-black.

10. While eating diner at a local Applebee’s after losing to the Carolina Panthers on Christmas Eve, Tampa Bay Buccaneers defensive tackle Sealver Siliga left a $1,000 tip. “I just felt bad that anyone had to work such a crummy job on Christmas Eve,” said the Applebee’s empployees of Siliga.

11. New research suggests, for older people, getting out of the house regularly may contribute to a longer life. That story again, Grandma was a freeloader and I did her a favor by kicking her out of the house.

12. New research suggests, for older people, getting out of the house regularly may contribute to a longer life. So, at this rate, Donald Trump is going to live forever:

13. On Wednesday, the Israeli Minister of Transportation announced that a new train station near the Western Wall will be named after President Trump. In honor of Trump, the train will have an gigantic caboose:

14. A Connecticut woman allegedly snorted cocaine in a police station while waiting to be booked on unrelated charges. Which, to her credit, is a pretty smart way to not have to wait anymore.

15. Alabama officials on Thursday certified Doug Jones the winner of the state’s Senate race, after a judge denied a legal challenge by Roy Moore. Moore will handle this rejection like he usually does, by signing the judge’s high school yearbook and stalking him at the mall.

16. Smartphone maker Apple and Japanese printer company Epson are facing legal complaints in France over allegedly speeding up the aging process of their products to stimulate demand. “I’m not so sure speeding up the aging process increases demand” said Mickey Rourke’s face:

17. China has closed more than 13,000 websites since the beginning of 2015 for breaking the law or other rules with the vast majority of people supporting government efforts to clean up cyberspace. I’ve made fun of your president and implied that Chinese people pee-pee in our coke, I guess what I’m saying is, what the fuck does a website gotta do to get banned in China?

18. A Tibetan film-maker jailed in China for making a film about the Olympics and Tibet has arrived in the United States after escaping from China. “You can be jailed in China for making unpopular movies?” asked a very concerned Adam Sandler.

December 22, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

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1. The Trump administration has told agencies within the Department of Health and Human Services to avoid using certain words or phrases in official documents, including ‘diversity,’ ‘transgender’ and ‘science-based.’ But Trump more than anyone should know ignoring something and not calling it by name won’t make it go away:eric trump1

2. An extensive review of research on exercise, nutritional supplements, drugs and brain-training techniques concludes there is no definitive evidence that any of them protect against dementia. Also, twelve Diet Cokes a day isn’t helping either.

3. The new Donald Trump robot was unveiled this week at Disney’s Hall of Presidents, with robotic George Washington introducing him. Washington’s exact words are, “Get a load of this asshole.”

4. Roy Moore, who has still not conceded his loss in the Alabama Senate race, is asking supporters for $75,000 to investigate “voter fraud.” Seems like someone should tell Roy that it’s not voter fraud, black people are allowed to vote.

5. Singer Lady Gaga announced on Wednesday that she will stage a nightly show at the MGM hotel in Las Vegas for the next two years. “Word of advice,” said fellow Las Vegas resident Roy, “leave your meat suit at home”: roy gaga

6. A couple in Tennessee recently gave birth to a baby girl from an embryo that was frozen twenty-four years ago. That means that newborn baby is also somehow 24-years-old and thus legal, or, as it’s otherwise known, Roy Moore’s perfect woman.

7. The White House announced that President Trump will undergo a physical examination early next year and the results will be released to the public. “I can’t wait to see that,” said everyone but the doctor.

8. A California couple was arrested on Tuesday for trying to sell their own kids for drugs. “That’s ambitious,” said President Trump: white house

9. According to a newly released poll, Hillary Clinton’s favorability rating has hit a new low of 36%. Man, at this rate, she’s never gonna win the 2016 presidential election.

10. A federal judge ruled on Monday that President Trump’s administration must allow access to abortion for two pregnant teenagers who are in the country illegally. Or, as the Trump administration spun it, good news, there will be two less illegal immigrants in this country.

11. Cincinnati Bengals rookie running back Joe Mixon bought $200,000 worth of jewelry before he was drafted. Because, if you’re a Bengal and want a ring, you’re gonna have to buy it.

12. On Tuesday, ‘Variety’ reported that Nick Cannon will write and direct a movie about women’s basketball entitled “She Ball” co-starring Chris Brown. Said the studio exec who green-lit the movie, “I’m trying to get fired.”

13. On Tuesday, ‘Variety’ reported that Nick Cannon will write and direct a movie about women’s basketball entitled “She Ball” co-starring Chris Brown. Great news for anyone who loved ‘Juwanna Mann’ but always wished it was somehow worse.

14. The new Donald Trump robot was unveiled this week at Disney’s Hall of Presidents. Unfortunately the robot keeps trying to get the women who work at Epcot’s Russia pavilion to go on ‘Splash Mountain’ with him.

15. On Wednesday, Catt Sadler, co-host of two shows on E!, left the company after twelve years after she learned that E! was paying her half as much as her male co-host. Congratulations to Sadler who now earns the same amount of money as a male host, unfortunately that male host is Billy Bush.

16. This week, Major League Soccer announced that a new expansion team has been awarded to the city of Nashville. So, if you were looking for a reason to visit Nashville, keep looking.

17. People are suggesting that the logo for the 2018 World Chess Championship resembles two people having sex. Begging the question, if you know what sex looks like, what are you doing at a chess championship?

18. In a cabinet meeting on Wednesday, Vice President Mike Pence praised Donald Trump every 12.5 seconds for three minutes straight. Pence would have kept going, but Trump had already climaxed by then.

December 15, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

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1. According to a recent report, President Trump watches up to eight hours of TV a day. But, in Trump’s defense, sometimes Blue’s clues are tricky and he has to re-watch an entire episode to figure it out.

2. A Massachusetts man is accused of catching a 400-pound tuna out of season and then dumping the carcass in the woods. A Massachusetts man killed something by pulling it out of the water, or as it’s know around those parts, a reverse Ted Kennedy.

3. A New York man who ran naked across the field during a Buffalo Bills blowout loss was sentenced to 25 hours of community service and $400 in fines. Although the man got off easy since the other option the judge was considering was forcing him to attend another Bills game.

4. Special Counsel Robert Mueller unveiled evidence showing that former Trump campaign manager Paul Manafort violated a gag order by ghost-writing an article to bolster his public image. Although I can’t think of anything Manafort could write that would bolster his image, unless, of course, it’s his own obit.

5. Google has begun offering a new search feature that shows videos of celebrities answering commonly asked questions about themselves. For instance, Kim Kardashian claims her butt is real, Will Ferrell confirms that he can play the drums and Richard Gere says he’s never even owned a hamster.

6. Last week, Orthodox Jewish singer Yonatan Razel blindfolded himself with duct tape to avoid seeing female fans dancing in the audience. Razel’s wife called him “very religious” while Ray Charles called him “fucking ungrateful.”

7. An Arizona woman was arrested last week on suspicion of DUI after driving down the highway the wrong way, dancing on top of her car and stealing a kid’s scooter to try to make a getaway. Which explains Arizona’s new state motto; “Your move, Florida.”

8. Authorities say an Idaho man tried to crash his car into a courthouse in downtown Boise because he was upset with the court system. Which, I guess means Billy Joel was upset with his neighbor’s pool.

9. Twitter is hosting an event next month that will feature only high-profile female speakers. To prepare, Vice President Pence has already barricaded himself in his bomb shelter.

10. On Monday, chef Mario Batali announced that he is stepping away from his restaurant business and TV show amid allegations of sexual misconduct, saying he is “deeply sorry” for any pain or humiliation he has caused. That surprising story again, a guy who wears orange crocs everyday has the capacity to feel shame.

11. An Egyptian court jailed a singer for two years on Tuesday for inciting debauchery after she appeared in a music video in her underwear and suggestively eating a banana. Or, as Paris Hilton calls it, a career.

12. A 31-year-old teacher in Texas was arrested Tuesday following an alleged relationship with a minor she reportedly met while volunteering at church. But, on the plus-side, that kid is definitely gonna believe in God now.

13. On Tuesday night, Republican Senate candidate Roy Moore lost the Alabama special Senate election after riding a horse to the polling place earlier in the day. But, since this is the South, Alabama has already built a monument featuring Moore on that horse to memorialize his defeat.

14. According to reports, former-Today Show host Matt Lauer, who was fired due to sexual harassment allegations, plans to disappear from the public eye by playing golf and living in the Hamptons. So, that’ll teach him.

15. Experts say that Alabama Senate hopeful Roy Moore lost the election because of write-in candidates. That crazy story again, there are people in Alabama who can write.

16. On Wednesday, an Airbus plane in Germany, took a route that mapped out the image of a Christmas tree that could be clearly seen on flight radar sites. Upon hearing the news, Delta asked “what’s the point?” while Malaysia Airlines asked “what’s a radar?”

17. Roy Moore refused to concede the Alabama Senate race Tuesday night, saying, “God is always in control.” Adding, “Well God and Reggie Bradshaw, head of security at the Westlake Mall in Gadsen, Alabama.

18. According to reports, after being fired, Omarosa Manigault Newman had to be forcibly removed from the White House by Secret Service. Secret Service said it was a nice change of pace to drag a woman against her will AWAY from the White House:

19. A baby in the U.K., born with her heart outside her body, survived a surgery this week to insert it back into her chest. Not to be outdone, Paul Ryan has been living for 47 years without a backbone.

20. A convicted pedophile was not allowed to board a flight leaving Australia on Wednesday, when a law barring registered child sex offenders from international travel took effect. As a result, some offenders have resorted to older forms of transportation:

December 8, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

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1. According to reports, President Trump’s relationship with Secretary of State Rex Tillerson never recovered after rumors surfaced that Tillerson called Trump ‘a moron.’ Much like the relationship between the President and Eric Trump never recovered after Eric called him ‘dad.’

2. President Trump’s border wall prototypes were tested this week to see if they can be climbed, broken through or gotten around. They conducted the test by putting President Trump and Melania on the same side of the wall:

3. A special performance of the off-Broadway show ‘Afterglow’ was staged on Sunday where all the performers and audience members were naked. So enjoy those warm seats, next audience.

4. Facebook on Monday rolled out Messenger Kids, an app that lets the world’s biggest social media company expand into a so-far untapped market of kids under 13. That story again, somewhere in Alabama, Roy Moore just pulled out his phone to delete Tinder and add Messenger Kids.

5. A new poll has found that 48% of Roy Moore supporters in Alabama plan to vote for the alleged-pedophile because “he’s the best person for the job.” And, if you’ve ever seen the selection of men in Alabama, they may be right:

6. The Justice Department said Wednesday it is seeking a warrant so it can seize an ancient ring believed to be trafficked by the Islamic State. And, if that doesn’t work, they’re gonna give Nic Cage a hastily drawn treasure map.

7. Last week, for the first time in the United States, a woman with a transplanted uterus gave birth. She gave birth to a healthy, six pound, eight ounce uterus.

8. According to reports, Republican Congressman Blake Farenthold settled a sexual harassment claim brought against him in 2014 with $84,000 of taxpayer money. Although, by the look of him, I’m guessing $84,000 is actually the least amount of money he’s ever had to paid for sex:

9. Earlier this week, President Trump took to Twitter to openly questions ‘Morning Joe’ host Joe Scarborough’s role in an unsolved murder. Although, if you’re gonna send Scarborough to jail for anything, it should be this:

10. According to a new book, President Trump’s meal of choice while on the campaign trail was two Big Macs, two Filet-o-Fishes and a chocolate milkshake. Begging the question, was he campaigning to become the next president or the next Grimace?:

11. Last week, Senate Democrats criticized Republicans for making last-minute, handwritten changes to the tax reform bill, hours before voting on it. And somehow those weren’t worse Republican handwritten notes that came to light last week:

12. Pizza Hut recently announced that they will begin delivering alcohol. Which seems pointless, these people are ordering Pizza Hut, clearly they’re already very drunk.

13. The Republican Party has resumed funding the Senate campaign of Roy Moore, who is accused of sexual misconduct involving teenage girls. To celebrate, Moore bought a round of Orange Julius’s for everyone at the food court.

14. Donald Trump Jr. would not tell House investigators Wednesday what he and his father discussed following a June 2016 meeting he had in Trump Tower with Russians, citing attorney-client privilege. I can tell you for sure one that that wasn’t said during that conversation, “I’m proud of you, son.”

15. Democratic Congressman John Conyers stepped down on Tuesday after multiple accusations of sexual misconduct. Although it’s not the first time someone has stepped following sexual misconduct:

16. President Donald Trump’s lawyers told a New York state judge on Tuesday that under the U.S. Constitution she had no jurisdiction over the president and therefore urged her to dismiss a defamation lawsuit. That shocking story again, the President has heard of the Constitution.

17. According to reports, Disney’s Hall of Presidents is scheduled to debut its new Donald Trump statue sometime before Christmas. “Maybe don’t bolt it down too tight,” said Robert Mueller.

18. The results of a new study found that obese people who eat almonds and chocolate every day may have lower cholesterol than their counterparts who don’t. Said one fat guy, “This is a doctor-prescribed Almond Joy.”

19. After being indicted, former Trump campaign manager Paul Manafort reportedly teamed up with a Russian operative to ghostwrite an op-ed defending himself. Begging the question, where does Trump find the time to help write an op-ed?

20. A new study found that leaving a bedroom window open may help people sleep better. “I beg to differ,” said the guy who lives next to Macklemore.

December 1, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Parents are outraged at a Beijing kindergarten over charges that their children were fed pills, jabbed with needles and forced to strip. But, in the school’s defense, those iPhones weren’t gonna make themselves.

2. An expectant Arkansas couple who love Olive Garden plan to name their child, due in December, Olivia Garton. They named their first son Fuddruckers, not because they like that restaurant, but because they fucking hate that kid.

3. A United Airlines flight arriving from Germany was forced to land with four blown tires Sunday at Newark Liberty International Airport. Oh my god, what a nightmare, can you imagine having to land in New Jersey.

4. Dictionary.com has chosen ‘complicit’ as 2017’s word of the year. The website went with ‘complicit’ because apparently ‘MotherFuckingShitHowIsAnyOfThisReal’ isn’t a word.

5. This week, First Lady Melania Trump decorated the White House for the holidays:

6. A Bosnian war criminal died in a courtroom on Wednesday after drinking poison upon hearing that his 20-year jail term had been upheld. Said the judge, “Oops, wait, I meant not guilty.”

7. 92-year-old actress Angela Lansbury is facing criticism after saying women “must sometimes take blame” for sexual harassment because of the way they dress. Say what you will, but it is refreshing to hear a 92-year-old not blame something on ‘the Orientals.’

8. Bernie Sanders has been nominated for a Grammy for best audiobook. Thus marking the first time Phil Spector won’t have the most messed up hair in the room:

9. On Wednesday, NBC News fired longtime ‘Today Show’ host Matt Lauer for “inappropriate sexual behavior.” Which should make the next “Where in the World is Matt Lauer” bit pretty easy:

10. According to a new study, people with OCD are less likely to go to college compared with peers who don’t have the disorder. Which explains why Michigan State’s new major “Doorknob Touching” is so under-subscribed.

11. Viagra can now be bought over-the-counter, without a prescription in Britain. “Ah, fuck,” said Queen Elizabeth:

12. White House press secretary Sarah Sanders defended President Trump’s decision to retweet a series of anti-Muslim videos on Wednesday morning, telling reporters that it doesn’t matter if the videos are real, he circulated them to start a conversation. That conversation: What the fuck is wrong with our president?

13. According to a new study, being married may reduce your risk of developing dementia. That incredible study again, President Trump could be worse.

14. A new study found that a dermatologist was just as accurate in diagnosing children’s skin conditions from smartphone photos taken by parents as the doctors who saw the kids in person. “But only pictures taken by parents?” asked Anthony Weiner.

15. A judge on Tuesday sided with President Trump in a legal battle over who should be in charge of the U.S. consumer finance watchdog. The ruling was historic, not because the issue was novel, but because Trump actually won in court.

16. Stanford running-back and Heisman contender Bryce Love says he wants to be a pediatrician. “That’s two things we have in common,” said college football coach Jerry Sandusky.

17. On Thursday, Republican Congressman Joe Barton of Texas said he will not seek re-election after a nude picture of him appeared on the internet earlier this month. If that’s what it takes to get someone to not run for re-election, it’s not worth it:

18. A South African beauty who helps train women in self-defense was crowned Miss Universe on Sunday. For the talent portion of the contest, she single-handedly kept Donald Trump out of the dressing room.