December 22, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. The Trump administration has told agencies within the Department of Health and Human Services to avoid using certain words or phrases in official documents, including ‘diversity,’ ‘transgender’ and ‘science-based.’ But Trump more than anyone should know ignoring something and not calling it by name won’t make it go away:eric trump1

2. An extensive review of research on exercise, nutritional supplements, drugs and brain-training techniques concludes there is no definitive evidence that any of them protect against dementia. Also, twelve Diet Cokes a day isn’t helping either.

3. The new Donald Trump robot was unveiled this week at Disney’s Hall of Presidents, with robotic George Washington introducing him. Washington’s exact words are, “Get a load of this asshole.”

4. Roy Moore, who has still not conceded his loss in the Alabama Senate race, is asking supporters for $75,000 to investigate “voter fraud.” Seems like someone should tell Roy that it’s not voter fraud, black people are allowed to vote.

5. Singer Lady Gaga announced on Wednesday that she will stage a nightly show at the MGM hotel in Las Vegas for the next two years. “Word of advice,” said fellow Las Vegas resident Roy, “leave your meat suit at home”: roy gaga

6. A couple in Tennessee recently gave birth to a baby girl from an embryo that was frozen twenty-four years ago. That means that newborn baby is also somehow 24-years-old and thus legal, or, as it’s otherwise known, Roy Moore’s perfect woman.

7. The White House announced that President Trump will undergo a physical examination early next year and the results will be released to the public. “I can’t wait to see that,” said everyone but the doctor.

8. A California couple was arrested on Tuesday for trying to sell their own kids for drugs. “That’s ambitious,” said President Trump: white house

9. According to a newly released poll, Hillary Clinton’s favorability rating has hit a new low of 36%. Man, at this rate, she’s never gonna win the 2016 presidential election.

10. A federal judge ruled on Monday that President Trump’s administration must allow access to abortion for two pregnant teenagers who are in the country illegally. Or, as the Trump administration spun it, good news, there will be two less illegal immigrants in this country.

11. Cincinnati Bengals rookie running back Joe Mixon bought $200,000 worth of jewelry before he was drafted. Because, if you’re a Bengal and want a ring, you’re gonna have to buy it.

12. On Tuesday, ‘Variety’ reported that Nick Cannon will write and direct a movie about women’s basketball entitled “She Ball” co-starring Chris Brown. Said the studio exec who green-lit the movie, “I’m trying to get fired.”

13. On Tuesday, ‘Variety’ reported that Nick Cannon will write and direct a movie about women’s basketball entitled “She Ball” co-starring Chris Brown. Great news for anyone who loved ‘Juwanna Mann’ but always wished it was somehow worse.

14. The new Donald Trump robot was unveiled this week at Disney’s Hall of Presidents. Unfortunately the robot keeps trying to get the women who work at Epcot’s Russia pavilion to go on ‘Splash Mountain’ with him.

15. On Wednesday, Catt Sadler, co-host of two shows on E!, left the company after twelve years after she learned that E! was paying her half as much as her male co-host. Congratulations to Sadler who now earns the same amount of money as a male host, unfortunately that male host is Billy Bush.

16. This week, Major League Soccer announced that a new expansion team has been awarded to the city of Nashville. So, if you were looking for a reason to visit Nashville, keep looking.

17. People are suggesting that the logo for the 2018 World Chess Championship resembles two people having sex. Begging the question, if you know what sex looks like, what are you doing at a chess championship?

18. In a cabinet meeting on Wednesday, Vice President Mike Pence praised Donald Trump every 12.5 seconds for three minutes straight. Pence would have kept going, but Trump had already climaxed by then.

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