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December 29, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Last week, Dutch ambassador Peter Hoekstra lied to a news reporter about comments he perviously made, and then, when confronted with those comments, lied about lying. Said Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos, “The lying gets worse, I just checked a map and there’s no such place as Dutch”

2. The man who dropped off a gift-wrapped box of horse manure to Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin’s Los Angeles home said he did so in response to Congress’s newly passed tax bill. But that’s not a good comparison because at least the man gift-wrapped his package of shit.

3. A man in Mexico who claims to have a 19-inch penis says his member makes it impossible for him to hold down a job because he can’t kneel or wear a uniform. In other news, A-Rod hit 696 home runs with a career batting average of .295:

4. According to the numbers, Donald Trump visited a Trump-owned property over 100 times in his first year as president. And the number goes up dramatically if you consider Mitch McConnell and Paul Ryan Trump-owned properties.

5. Callista Gingrich, wife of former speaker of the House of Representatives Newt Gingrich, on Friday became U.S. ambassador to the Vatican. That crazy story again, the woman who is married to Newt Gingrich and has presumably seen him naked still believes in God.

6. Michelin-starred chef Massimo Bottura plans to open two new restaurants in Paris and Naples next year, where the food will be free, made from supermarket scraps and served only to the poor. Or, as it’s more commonly known. Arby’s.

7. On Sunday, President Trump lashed out at the media tweeting, “The Fake News refuses to talk about how Big and how Strong our Base is.” I don’t know about strong, but they’ve definitely reported about how big your base is:

8. A topless protester was detained by Vatican police on Monday for attempting to steal the doll of baby Jesus from the Vatican’s nativity scene. Said the Pope, “What can I say? Bitches be cray”

9. According to a report, government officials are imploring Prince Harry not to invite former President Obama to his upcoming wedding for fear of enraging President Trump. You think Trump will be mad, wait until Jeff Sessions finds out Harry’s fiancee is half-black.

10. While eating diner at a local Applebee’s after losing to the Carolina Panthers on Christmas Eve, Tampa Bay Buccaneers defensive tackle Sealver Siliga left a $1,000 tip. “I just felt bad that anyone had to work such a crummy job on Christmas Eve,” said the Applebee’s empployees of Siliga.

11. New research suggests, for older people, getting out of the house regularly may contribute to a longer life. That story again, Grandma was a freeloader and I did her a favor by kicking her out of the house.

12. New research suggests, for older people, getting out of the house regularly may contribute to a longer life. So, at this rate, Donald Trump is going to live forever:

13. On Wednesday, the Israeli Minister of Transportation announced that a new train station near the Western Wall will be named after President Trump. In honor of Trump, the train will have an gigantic caboose:

14. A Connecticut woman allegedly snorted cocaine in a police station while waiting to be booked on unrelated charges. Which, to her credit, is a pretty smart way to not have to wait anymore.

15. Alabama officials on Thursday certified Doug Jones the winner of the state’s Senate race, after a judge denied a legal challenge by Roy Moore. Moore will handle this rejection like he usually does, by signing the judge’s high school yearbook and stalking him at the mall.

16. Smartphone maker Apple and Japanese printer company Epson are facing legal complaints in France over allegedly speeding up the aging process of their products to stimulate demand. “I’m not so sure speeding up the aging process increases demand” said Mickey Rourke’s face:

17. China has closed more than 13,000 websites since the beginning of 2015 for breaking the law or other rules with the vast majority of people supporting government efforts to clean up cyberspace. I’ve made fun of your president and implied that Chinese people pee-pee in our coke, I guess what I’m saying is, what the fuck does a website gotta do to get banned in China?

18. A Tibetan film-maker jailed in China for making a film about the Olympics and Tibet has arrived in the United States after escaping from China. “You can be jailed in China for making unpopular movies?” asked a very concerned Adam Sandler.

February 11, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Some people are calling for a boycott of Beyonce because her Superbowl halftime back-up dancers were dressed like Black Panthers. Because, as Cam Newton showed, black panthers aren’t supposed to show up for the Superbowl.

2. On Wednesday, the WNBA named former Atlanta city council president and current Coca-Cola executive Lisa Borders its next president. Presumably because Borders was the last one to say “not it.”

3. This week, during a campaign stop, a New Hampshire bar offered Republican presidential candidate Marco Rubio what they called a Marco Rubio burger. They call it that, because, after you eat it, it repeats on you.

4. On Wednesday, comedy website Funny or Die released a 50-minute spoof movie ‘based’ on Donald Trump’s “Art of the Deal” book in which actor Johnny Depp plays Trump. Luckily, the star of Edward Scissorhands, has ample experience playing monsters.

5. Red Lobster is reporting that its sales are up 33% percent from this time last year following their mention in Beyonce’s new single “Formation.” While the makers of Wonder Bread claim it has been a record year for the white bread industry due to Macklemore.

6. This year’s Oscars gift bag will reportedly contain a $300 credit for personalized M&M candies. Of course, personalized Oscar M&Ms just means there won’t be any brown ones.

7. New Jersey Governor Chris Christie and former business executive Carly Fiorina ended their presidential campaigns on Wednesday. Meaning the next Republican debate will have two less candidates and three less podiums.

8. According to a new study, people who are out of shape in midlife may end up with smaller brain volume as they age compared to peers who exercise regularly. That story again, Rush Limbaugh is somehow gonna get stupider.

9. A man in Florida was arrested for allegedly throwing an alligator through a drive-thru window. Or, as it’s known in Florida, filling a formal complaint.

10. Yesterday, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie ended his presidential campaign. Which means, at the next Republican debate, everyone will know the moderator is talking about the GOP mascot when she mentions “the elephant in the room.”

February 8, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Sunday night the Denver Broncos won the Superbowl and, on the sidelines right after the game, Papa John gave winning quarterback Peyton Manning a kiss. Which, I guess, explains why we’ve never met Mama John.

2. Last night, the concession stands at Superbowl 50 were selling beers for $13 and bottled water for $7. But, considering the game was played in California, $7 for water seems like a pretty good deal.

3. At least two women have been kicked off of Tinder after using the mobile dating app to campaign for Bernie Sanders. Which is unfair, since most people who use the app end up feeling the burn, especially when they’re peeing.

4. During Saturday night’s Republican presidential debate, Donald Trump shh-ed Jeb Bush. But, in Trump’s defense, he just didn’t want Jeb to wake Ben Carson.

5. Ted Cruz’s wife revealed that when he needs to relieve stress Ted calls her and sings Broadway show tunes. She revealed this information when asked by a Verizon sales rep why she needed to change her phone number.

6. A California company has created a marijuana-based vaginal suppository to help women suffering from menstrual cramps. So now you’ll no longer have to hot-box it.

7. A teenager in Nepal set a new world record by fitting 130 pencils into his mouth. And, although the pencils did not start out that way, they eventually became number 2s.

8. The Turkish army has confiscated over 700 parrots trying to be smuggling into the country from war-torn Syria. Immigration officials became suspicious when every question they asked was repeated back to them.

9. Fifteen cars parked on an iced-over Geneva Lake in the Wisconsin for a Winterfest celebration on Saturday, fell into the frigid waters after the ice broke. Marking the first time anyone has ever looked ‘cool’ in a Kia Sorento.

10. According to a new poll of Harry Potter fans, the most popular spell used in the series is the Expecto Patronum spell, which protects the speaker from the dark arts. If spoken, the spell will also protect the speaker from having sex until they’re 38.

January 26, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

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1. On Monday, Ben Cohen, one half of Ben & Jerry’s, endorsed Bernie Sanders for president by unveiling a new ice cream flavor called “Bernie’s Yearning.” It is expected to sell better than “Trumps Clumps.”

2. Prices at 137 Walmart stores set to close on January 28 have been slashed by 50%. Which means, at this point, Walmart will pay you to take Nickelback’s latest album off their hands.

3. Eight museum employees will be charged with negligence after a botched reattachment of the beard on King Tutankhamun’s mask. King Tut’s beard is very identifiable and known all around the world, much like Abraham Lincoln’s infamous chin-strap and Kelly Preston.

4. According to a new study, infants and preschoolers who gain weight rapidly may have higher-than-average high blood pressure later in childhood. Although, if their blood pressure is really high, there’s not gonna be a “later in childhood.”

5. An exhibit highlighting the fashion of Minnie Mouse has opened up in downtown Los Angeles. Of course, you’d have a lot more closet space, and thus options, if your husband didn’t own any pants too.

6. A 92-year-old World War II vet plans on traveling to Australia to reunite with his war-time girlfriend. Said the man’s angry wife, “Is that what you meant by ‘spending a lot of time in the fox hole’?”

7. According to experts, the mosquito-borne Zika virus, linked to brain damage in thousands of babies in Brazil, is likely to spread to the U.S. Although, by the looks of “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo,” it may already be here.

8. In an interview published on Monday, President Obama said Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders has had the “luxury of being a complete long shot” so far in the race to be the Democratic presidential candidate. Which, I guess, means Martin O’Malley is a shoe-in.

9. Despite breaking his arm in Sunday’s NFC Championship game, Carolina Panthers All-Pro linebacker Thomas Davis said he will play in the SuperBowl. Meanwhile, I stubbed my toe yesterday and called in sick to work for the entire week.

10. To mark the Year of the Monkey, a Monkey School in South Korea put on performances by several of the trained animals. Finally answering age-old question, is there a South Korean equivalent to Arizona State University?

December 4, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

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1. A former girlfriend of Charlie Sheen on Thursday sued the actor for assault, negligence and emotional distress, saying they had sex at least five times before he revealed he was HIV-positive. Although, the emotional distress claim stems from the time Sheen made her watch a few episodes of “Two and a Half Men.”

2. On Thursday, Playboy announced that Pamela Anderson will be the last person ever to pose nude for the magazine. Because what better way to say that we’re changing our business model because it’s outdated and well past its prime than a naked picture of present-day Pamela Anderson.

3. A Japanese jeweler has created a ‘Star Wars’ calendar made out of 22 pounds of solid gold, worth $800,000. It’s perfect for any ‘Star Wars’ fan who wants a very expensive way to keep track of the zero dates they have.

4. Yesterday, Pantone named “Serenity,” a baby blue, and “Rose Quartz,” a light pink, the colors of the year for 2016. The selections were a huge upset over the perennial favorite, “Who Gives a Shit.”

5. Donald Trump said Thursday he will release a doctor’s report of his health within two weeks that will show he is the image of “perfection.” So we finally have a doctor involved in the presidential race who is more delusional than Ben Carson.

6. Donald Trump said Thursday he will release a doctor’s note of his health within two weeks that will show he is the image of “perfection.” While fellow presidential candidate Chris Christie said in two weeks he will release his doctor’s suicide note.

7. Yesterday it was announced that Coldplay will perform at halftime of this year’s SuperBowl. “We may have to reconsider some things,” said the 11-0 Carolina Panthers.

8. Honduran police arrested a Syrian woman and two Pakistani men on Saturday after determining they were traveling illegally and presumably en route to the United States. Multiple Republican presidential candidates thanked Honduran officials and then kindly reminded them that they too are not welcomed in the United States.

9. Shares of Match Group Inc., the parent company of popular dating site Match.com and mobile app Tinder, jumped as much as 24 percent in their market debut, valuing the company at $3.57 billion. Of course, they said they were worth $7 billion on their dating profile.

10. A new study suggests that house cats share similar personality traits with African lions. Which is really bad news for Whiskers and Sam, the house cats of one dentist in Minnesota.

11. Major U.S. computer company Dell said on Monday a security hole exists in some of its recently shipped laptops that could make it easy for hackers to access users’ private data. Said one spokesperson for Dell, “Dude, you’re getting your identity stolen.”

12. A fourteen year-old from Kentucky set a new world record for solving a Rubik’s Cube in just 4.9 seconds at a competition. The ensuing celebration also set a world record for most inhalers used at the same time.

13. Adele announced on Thursday she would begin a 15-week concert tour of Britain, Ireland and continental Europe in February. It will give Adele fans a nice break from being sad and depressed at home.

14. A new study found that people are more likely to be rude if they witness rudeness from someone else. So good luck getting anyone to hold the door for you at a Trump rally.

15. Last week, firefighters in Germany had to drag a man out of a sex store that was on fire because he refused to leave his private video booth until he finished watching porn film he had bought. Unfortunately, the man didn’t make it and, even worse, because of rigor mortis, they couldn’t close the casket.

16. A patent recently filed by airline company Airbus allows for the plane’s cabin, where passengers sit, to be detached from the rest of the plane. “You’ll be hearing from our lawyers,” said Malaysian Airlines.

17. A little girl in Illinois is making and sending crosses along with handwritten letters to police officers all over the country. “Why is it okay when she sends a message a cross?” said the KKK.

18. Last week, Democrat Hillary Clinton won the endorsement of the ironworkers’ union. Which is odd because I always assumed she had brass ones.

19. The FBI is looking into the violent arrest of a fan at University of Mississippi football game after a video showed a security officer punching the man in the face during the arrest. Luckily the man suffered only bruises and didn’t lose any teeth, but that’s only because he didn’t have any to begin with.

20. On Monday, Former child star and fashion designer Mary-Kate Olsen married Frenchman Olivier Sarkozy in a quiet New York ceremony. During the ceremony, Sarkozy said “I do” while Mary-Kate went with the less formal, “You got it, dude.”