March 30, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. When asked why he was referring to the coronavirus as the Chinese virus last week, President Trump said, “I have to call out where it came from.” And, in his defense, he has a track record of naming awful things that were unleashed on the word after where they came from:

2. Last Thursday, O.J. Simpson tweeted that he’d go ‘crazy’ if all golf courses were closed due to the coronavirus. And just when you thought news couldn’t get any worse for laid-off waiters in Brentwood.

3. An Oregon police department is asking residents to stop calling 911 because they’ve run out of toilet paper. But if you do call 911 because you’ve run out of toilet paper, please disinfect your phone.

4. Last week, actor Idris Elba announced that he tested positive for the coronavirus. But, on the plus-side, catching the virus is still only the second worst thing that’s happened to Idris this year:

5. New York City mayor Bill de Blasio said Wednesday the city will remove basketball hoops at parks where pick-up games continued despite social-distancing guidelines as a result of the coronavirus pandemic. “Wait, we were supposed to be shooting at the hoop this whole time?” asked the Knicks.

6. In a recent interview, actress Courteney Cox says she doesn’t even remember being on ‘Friends.’ Meanwhile, Matt Le Blanc still wakes up in cold sweats because he remembers ‘Joey.’ 

7. Disgraced Hollywood mogul Harvey Weinstein tested positive for the coronavirus while in prison. Harvey said the nasal swab was the nicest thing he’s had shoved into him all week.

8.  Disgraced Hollywood mogul Harvey Weinstein tested positive for the coronavirus while in prison. So now he’s got to break the news to everyone he’s come in contact with:

9. Last week, six-time Super Bowl champion quarterback Tom Brady announced that he is signing with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Said Brady, “I’m tired of winning.”

10. Simba, a dog from Florida that was missing for more than two months, was found last week 1,400 miles away in Michigan. Which is, at best, a lateral move.

11. Last week, in an effort to halt the spread of the coronavirus, Germany banned gatherings of more than two people. Which, depending on how you look at it, is either a two months or seventy years too late:

12. According to a new study, taking a bath may be good for your heart. So I guess my 401k’s heart is really healthy right now

13. Pope Francis has donated 30 respirators to hospitals in areas hardest hit by the coronavirus pandemic. Because even the fucking Pope knows sending ‘thoughts and prayers’ does nothing.

14. An opera singer in Paris is giving daily concerts from his balcony window to lift his neighbors’ spirits during the nationwide lockdown enforced to contain the spread of the coronavirus. Said his neighbors, “I now you can lose you sight and smell from corona, but we’re also hoping it takes our sense of sound too.”

15. A Belgian robotics firm is lending a fleet of robots to old-age homes to help tend to residents after the government banned visitors to prevent the spread of coronavirus. It’s the perfect way to ensure that the elderly do not die from the coronavirus, but instead heart attacks.

16. CVS mistakenly sent false information to its staff about how to combat the coronavirus late last week. Even worse, here’s how they sent that information:

17. Last week, Hashem Abedi, the brother of Manchester bomber, was found guilty of 22 counts of the murders. Said Abedi’s mother, “Why can’t you be more like your brother?!!?!”

18. Last week a woman gave birth the in toilet paper aisle of a Missouri Walmart. Luckily the aisle was completely sterile:

19. Joe Biden’s presidential campaign installed a television studio in his basement over the weekend. Oddly, it was the Teletubbies studio set:

20. Coronavirus has had a dramatic effect on the sex industry as many porn actors are avoiding contact with other performers and, as a result, suffering financially. So if you’ve ever fantasized about your favorite porn star ‘checking you out’ at the supermarket, there’s a real chance now:

September 9, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. A man in Florida parked his Smart car in his kitchen to protect it from Hurricane Dorian. “Yeah, same,” said Billy Joel looking at his car at the bottom of his pool in Trenton, New Jersey.

2. Pope Francis got trapped in an elevator for twenty-five minutes on Sunday. And I gotta admit, it doesn’t give me a lot of confidence that the guy in charge of the resurrection of Christ can’t even get an elevator to rise. 

3. A street sweeper in Thailand has become an internet sensation after a picture of her carrying her dog on her back while sweeping the streets of the Thai capital went viral. I don’t see what the big deal is, I carry much lunch to work everyday too.

4. According to a recent interview, actress Jennifer Lopez asked Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, who has been married for over fifty years, for marriage advice. Ginsburg top piece of advice, “Don’t marry that queer A-Rod.” 

5. The account of Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey was hacked on last Friday, sending tweets that included racial slurs and curse word. President Trump’s account was also hacked, but no one noticed the difference.

6. A large scientific study into the biological basis of sexual behavior has confirmed there is no single “gay gene” but that affects whether a person has same-sex sexual partners. “No single gay Gene!” said an irate Gene Shalit: 

7. A 96-year-old celebrated his birthday on Saturday by breaking his own record as the world’s oldest active scuba diver for the third year running. The man said his plan is to do this every year until he reaches his ultimate goal of setting the record for deepest underwater corpse.

8. Last week, a woman broke into a Texas Botox clinic and stole $20,000-worth of anti-aging products. Police are looking for a 5’7”, caucasian woman between the ages of 8 and 68. 

9. While performing at this year’s VMA award show, singer Lizzo performed backed by a giant inflatable ass. Not to be confused with Limp Bizkit, who are always fronted by a giant ass:

10. According to a new study, former professional football players with a history of concussions may be more likely to experience erectile dysfunction. That story again, apparently Anthony Cromartie didn’t suffer any concussions:

11. ZAO, a new Chinese app that lets users swap their faces with celebrities, sports stars or anyone else in a video clip, racked up millions of downloads over the weekend. “You’’ll be hearing from my lawyers!” yelled an enraged Nicholas Cage (and/or John Travolta).

12. Rapper Nicki Minaj took fans by surprise on Thursday with an announcement that she was retiring from the music business to “have my family.” Begging the question, doesn’t Keisha want a family too?

13. Last week,Hitler’s last living relative, Romano-Luka Hitler, was convicted of pedophilia after kissing a thirteen year old girl. Said Romano, “Can we go back to the headlines of me being related to Hitler?”

14. According to a new study, the back-to-work blues that set in on Sunday night are a real phenomenon. “They way I that I combat it is that I never start working in the first place,” said President Trump. 

15. A senior Justice Department official resigned after being found to have watched porn on a government computer. Although, in his defense, he may have just been doing work-related research:

December 29, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Last week, Dutch ambassador Peter Hoekstra lied to a news reporter about comments he perviously made, and then, when confronted with those comments, lied about lying. Said Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos, “The lying gets worse, I just checked a map and there’s no such place as Dutch”

2. The man who dropped off a gift-wrapped box of horse manure to Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin’s Los Angeles home said he did so in response to Congress’s newly passed tax bill. But that’s not a good comparison because at least the man gift-wrapped his package of shit.

3. A man in Mexico who claims to have a 19-inch penis says his member makes it impossible for him to hold down a job because he can’t kneel or wear a uniform. In other news, A-Rod hit 696 home runs with a career batting average of .295:

4. According to the numbers, Donald Trump visited a Trump-owned property over 100 times in his first year as president. And the number goes up dramatically if you consider Mitch McConnell and Paul Ryan Trump-owned properties.

5. Callista Gingrich, wife of former speaker of the House of Representatives Newt Gingrich, on Friday became U.S. ambassador to the Vatican. That crazy story again, the woman who is married to Newt Gingrich and has presumably seen him naked still believes in God.

6. Michelin-starred chef Massimo Bottura plans to open two new restaurants in Paris and Naples next year, where the food will be free, made from supermarket scraps and served only to the poor. Or, as it’s more commonly known. Arby’s.

7. On Sunday, President Trump lashed out at the media tweeting, “The Fake News refuses to talk about how Big and how Strong our Base is.” I don’t know about strong, but they’ve definitely reported about how big your base is:

8. A topless protester was detained by Vatican police on Monday for attempting to steal the doll of baby Jesus from the Vatican’s nativity scene. Said the Pope, “What can I say? Bitches be cray”

9. According to a report, government officials are imploring Prince Harry not to invite former President Obama to his upcoming wedding for fear of enraging President Trump. You think Trump will be mad, wait until Jeff Sessions finds out Harry’s fiancee is half-black.

10. While eating diner at a local Applebee’s after losing to the Carolina Panthers on Christmas Eve, Tampa Bay Buccaneers defensive tackle Sealver Siliga left a $1,000 tip. “I just felt bad that anyone had to work such a crummy job on Christmas Eve,” said the Applebee’s empployees of Siliga.

11. New research suggests, for older people, getting out of the house regularly may contribute to a longer life. That story again, Grandma was a freeloader and I did her a favor by kicking her out of the house.

12. New research suggests, for older people, getting out of the house regularly may contribute to a longer life. So, at this rate, Donald Trump is going to live forever:

13. On Wednesday, the Israeli Minister of Transportation announced that a new train station near the Western Wall will be named after President Trump. In honor of Trump, the train will have an gigantic caboose:

14. A Connecticut woman allegedly snorted cocaine in a police station while waiting to be booked on unrelated charges. Which, to her credit, is a pretty smart way to not have to wait anymore.

15. Alabama officials on Thursday certified Doug Jones the winner of the state’s Senate race, after a judge denied a legal challenge by Roy Moore. Moore will handle this rejection like he usually does, by signing the judge’s high school yearbook and stalking him at the mall.

16. Smartphone maker Apple and Japanese printer company Epson are facing legal complaints in France over allegedly speeding up the aging process of their products to stimulate demand. “I’m not so sure speeding up the aging process increases demand” said Mickey Rourke’s face:

17. China has closed more than 13,000 websites since the beginning of 2015 for breaking the law or other rules with the vast majority of people supporting government efforts to clean up cyberspace. I’ve made fun of your president and implied that Chinese people pee-pee in our coke, I guess what I’m saying is, what the fuck does a website gotta do to get banned in China?

18. A Tibetan film-maker jailed in China for making a film about the Olympics and Tibet has arrived in the United States after escaping from China. “You can be jailed in China for making unpopular movies?” asked a very concerned Adam Sandler.

June 8, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. In a recent interview, Eric Trump said he doesn’t consider Democrats to be people. But, I’m assuming that’s only after he bites their neck:

2. An ex-girlfriend of Bill Maher hinted that the comic has used the n-word around her in the past. Now that’s inexcusable, no one should have to date Bill Maher.

3. President Trump has challenged London Mayor Sadiq Khan to an IQ test. The first and only question on the test is “Do you think it’s a good idea to publicly challenge the mayor of a city that just suffered a tragedy to an IQ contest?”

4. On Tuesday, the F train suffered a severe maintenance malfunction that left hundreds of subway goers in New York City stuck in a tunnel with no air conditioning or lighting for over an hour. But NYC residents are resilient and despite the obstacles many of them still managed to masturbate.

5. Chicago plans to dedicate a nine-story mural to blues legend Muddy Waters during the city’s annual blues festival this weekend. “Didn’t we already dedicate an entire city to him?” said residents of Flint Michigan.

6. In a new interview, Russian President Vladimir Putin said, “I am not a woman, so I don’t have bad days.” Which doesn’t make sense because women in Russia have it pretty good, in fact, a lucky few were able to pee on Donald Trump.

7. A man in upstate New York dressed as the Tin Man from ‘The Wizard of Oz’ was busted driving drunk on the way home from a festival honoring the classic movie. “You’re not in Kansas anymore, Dorothy,” said his cellmate.

8. An ex-girlfriend of retired baseball player Alex Rodriguez is reportedly attempting to extort him for $600,000. Begging the question, what information could she possible have that’s more embarrassing than this?:

9. A man who was responsible for buying office supplies for the Staten Island District Attorney’s office was arrested for using the funds to purchase comic books and video games. If convicted, he could get 10 years to life or, in terms that he’ll understand, 10 years to up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A.

10. According to a new report, during a recent meeting with President Trump, Attorney General Jeff Sessions tried to quit. Here’s an exclusive look at that meeting:

May 18, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Russian President Vladimir Putin said he is “ready to provide recording” of the White House meeting between his foreign minister and President Trump to Congress. Hopefully, he’s labeled his recordings well:

2. ABC announced this week that former MLBer Alex Rodriguez will appear as a guest judge on the next season of ‘Shark Tank.’ The episodes will air in the fall, which means, for once, A-Rod may actually contribute to a winning bid in October.

3. Authorities at a Malaysian airport said they seized 330 endangered tortoises that were falsely labeled as “stones” in boxes shipped from Madagascar. Not to be confused with these tortoises who are also labeled Stones:

4. A new survey suggests that most Americans are confused about what counts as a healthy food choice. Said Americans, “What’s healthier ‘smothered’ or ‘covered’?”

5. Former President Bill Clinton has agreed to co-write a mystery novel entitled “The President is Missing.” It is expected to sell better than the horror novel entitled “The President is in the Oval Office Hard at Work”:

6. According to reports, when writing intel briefings, National Security Council officials strategically include President Trump’s name in “as many paragraphs” as possible because “he keeps reading if he’s mentioned.” Luckily, considering all his lawsuits, Trump will never run out of reading material.

7. Tuesday night, Bernie Sanders said he’s not ready to jump on the impeach Trump bandwagon yet. Oh, look who’s in the one percent now.

8. Yesterday President Trump gave the commencement speech at the Coast Guard Academy where he said, “No politician in history … has been treated worse or more unfairly.” The only words fit for print when Hillary was reached for comment were ‘are,’ ‘you,’ kidding,’ and ‘me,’

9. In her new memoir, 70-year-old actress Suzanne Somers said the secret to her 40-year marriage is having sex everyday. “That’s ironic, the secret to ours is the exact opposite,” said Melania.

10. On Wednesday, the World Health Organization said that more than half of all deaths worldwide have no recorded cause. Or, as it was reported on Fox News, more than half of all deaths can be traced back to the DNC.

August 8, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. When asked on Friday, what women he would nominate to his Cabinet if elected president, Donald Trump suggested his daughter Ivanka. When asked which position he imagined her in, Trump replied, “usually doggie.”

2. Over the weekend, Donald Trump released a new attack ad depicting Hillary Clinton as an email-eating version of Ms. Pacman. Which is a ridiculous comparison because Ms. Pacman wears a bow in her hair.

3. Last week, billionaire investor Warren Buffett claimed that when Republican nominee Donald Trump’s business went public in 1995, investors lost 90% of their money, saying they would have been better off, “if a monkey had thrown a dart at the stock page.” Which is ludicrous, because if the monkey is busy throwing darts, who’s gonna write Trump’s next speech?:
istock-18586699-monkey-computer

4. On Friday, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump unveiled an all-male, 13-member economic advisory team, which includes six guys named Steve. Which could get a little confusing, luckily Trump is very good at giving out nicknames. “I will call you fat Steve.”

5. Extreme marathon runner Dion Leonard is attempting to bring a stray dog which followed him for 77 miles during a race across China back to his home in Scotland. Or, as such a thing is referred to in China, takeout:
takeout

6. The mayor of Fairfax, Virginia was arrested on Friday for allegedly dealing meth. Which is a surprise, because if you had told me a mayor was on meth I would have guessed it was this guy:
guiliani

7. An army veteran, who was awarded a Purple Heart after losing his leg in Afghanistan, setup a GoFundMe page to send Donald Trump to a war zone so he can ‘earn’ a Purple Heart, has already raised $50,000. So at least one Trump campaign is going well.

8. Ahead of the beginning of the Olympics, Pope Francis sent a letter to the ten athletes that are competing as part of the first ever Refugee Team. Begging the question, where did the Pope address the letter to?

9. On Sunday, the New York Yankees announced that slugger Alex Rodriguez will retire at the end of this week. So, Friday will be the last day Yankee fans will be able to go to Yankee Stadium, see A-Rod in all his glory and boo the fuck out of him.

10. Federal agents say a couple who crossed the border last week in Brownsville, Texas tried to smuggle methamphetamine into the country using their 19-month-old child. It’s the perfect crime because that baby didn’t have teeth to begin with.

June 3, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. All four cities vying to host the 2024 Olympic games have advanced to the next stage of campaigning as the International Olympic Commission found no major flaws in their bids. That story again, all the checks cleared.

2. A new online game called Surgeon Simulator allows users to operate on presumptive Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump. The program initially had Jeb Bush as the patient, but he was DOA every time.

3. A ghost-hunting tour in the U.K. accidentally stumbled upon a porn that was being shot in a graveyard. Which makes sense since the all actors were dead on the inside.

4. A 43-year-old man is claiming that his twenty-nine Miley Cyrus tattoos are preventing him from getting a girlfriend. Which isn’t true, his first Miley Cyrus tattoo did that, the other twenty-eight were just overkill.

5. According to reports, conservative commentator Bill Kristol is considering choosing David French, a staff writer with National Review magazine and a constitutional lawyer, to run as an independent presidential candidate. So remember the name David French, because if you do, you’ll be the only one.

6. A number of parking lots in China have introduced “female only” parking spaces. “Here we go again,” said North Carolina.

7. School officials in Mobile, Alabama are looking into allegations that a teacher administered a math test that may have been racist. Whoa, whoa, whoa, since when have they been teaching math in Alabama?

8. A former Miss Turkey was handed a 14-month suspended prison sentence on Tuesday for insulting Turkish President Tayyip Erdogan through a poem she shared on Instagram. But, come on, give her some credit, do you know how hard it is to rhyme ‘Tayyip Erdogan’?

9. A couple in their eighties have finally tied the knot after dating for over forty years. So, I guess, the answer to the age old question of why buy the cow is because the milk has turned sour.

10. Just one day after saying he’d love to debate Bernie Sanders, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump changed his mind and said he would not debate the Democrat. Between this and his flip-flops on gun control and abortion, Trump doesn’t have time to debate Bernie when he’s so busy arguing with himself.

11. Last week, Utah police cited a man who was running around nude with bells hanging from his genitals. “This is not how I wanted to get my wings,” said one angel.

12. A Florida fifth-grader, who may have had a hit list, could face murder charges, after she poisoned a classmate’s water using bleach. The teacher should have known something was up when the student ended every show-and-tell with “You didn’t see nothing.”

13. An Arkansas man proposed to his girlfriend by creating a level on the Super Mario Brothers video game that popped the question to her. The couple will be honeymooning in her parent’s basement.

14. A five-year old boy’s missing hamster was discovered by a doctor dead in the back-fat of his mother who weighs over 700 pounds. So, in hindsight, the boy probably shouldn’t have named him lucky.

15. Over the weekend, to mark their 100th anniversary Nathan’s sold hot dogs for a nickel at its famous Coney Island stand. “I remember when they only cost a quarter,” said a very confused old man.

16. On Friday, Texas Congressman Louie Gohmert took to the floor of the House of Representatives to argue that homosexuals shouldn’t be allowed in outer space. Which seems like a direct shot at Lance Bass.

17. Last week, a man in West Virginia wearing a ‘#1 DAD’ t-shirt used his daughter as a human shield after robbing a bank. But maybe the daughter wouldn’t have been in that situation if she had bought her dad an actual shield instead of that stupid shirt.

18. Last week, scientists in Australia discovered seven new species of peacock spiders. Although, they can’t be too good at peacocking if they’re just being discovered now.

19. The National Park Service is calling part of the Petersburg National Battlefield, the site of a bloody Civil War battle, “an active crime scene” due to a large number of freshly dug excavation pits. Authorities are blaming it on looters or the South has literally risen again.

20. Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg just submitted plans to tear down and rebuild four of the houses surrounding his Palo Alto home. Or, as he refers to it, adjusting his privacy settings.

21. A group of artists unveiled a huge mural of David Bowie in Sarajevo on Saturday. Not because of Bowie’s death, but because they just got his music there.

22. Alex Rodriguez’s 8-year-old daughter Ella filled out a Parent’s Day school assignment by answering questions about her famous father, including “the craziest thing my dad ever did was cut an apple for me.” So, needless to say, she she failed that assignment.

23. The vinyl edition of “The Force Awakens” soundtrack has spinning holograms etched into the record. Even better, if you play it backwards, it says “Jar Jar Binks is dead.”

24. According to reports, singer Gwen Stefani turned down boyfriend and fellow-singer Blake Shelton’s marriage proposal. It was gut wrenching, Shelton popped the question and Stefani didn’t turn her chair around.

25. A Japanese company has invented a robotic suitcase that retails for $650 and follows its owner around like a dog. “Can you teach them to fight?” said Michael Vick.

26. According to an annual ranking of airports, Newark International Airport is the most miserable airport. Although, somehow, it’s still the best place in New Jersey.

27. Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders has taken to calling presumptive Republican nominee Donald Trump “Mr. Macho.” Said Trump, “Oh, that hurts, is that what it feels like when someone calls you a name? Wow, I’m a monster.”

28. Disney has vowed legal action against a Chinese theme park that has been using knock-off versions of their characters. The characters are not exactly the same, for instance, Mickey has been changed to Marky, Minnie is now Marnie and Pluto is lunch.

29. This week, a duck graduated from an elementary school in Florida. Although, at this point, the “in Florida” part seems redundant.

April 8, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to reports, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump missed his new grandson’s circumcision to campaign in Wisconsin. Which is good, because it means there was only one dick who needed a little off the top in the room.

2. According to court records U.S. women’s national team legend Abby Wambach has admitted using cocaine and marijuana while a member of the USWNT. Shit, you’d do drugs too if you were forced to watch soccer all day.

3. Republican presidential front-runner Donald Trump has canceled a planned news conference in California on Friday to keep campaigning in New York. California hasn’t been this grateful to New York since the Dodgers moved.

4. A dachshund that garnered internet attention for being extremely obese, has lost 38 pounds, or half its body weight, in the past 8 months. Not surprisingly, after the weight loss, most black labs have lost all interest in the slimmer pooch.

5. A dachshund appropriately named “Fat Vincent,” has lost 38 pounds, or half its body weight, in just 8 months. Veterinarians are calling it nothing short of a miracle, while hungry Chinese people are calling it a shame.

6. On Thursday, it embarrassingly took presidential candidate Hillary Clinton several tries to past a turnstile and get into the New York City subway. “Serves her right for trying to hoard in on my fundraising strategy,” said Bernie Sanders:
subway dancer

7. There is a new trend of people sending photos of their genitalia to their doctors. And there is also a new trend of doctors saying their phones can’t zoom in that much.

8. On Thursday, FBI Director James Comey said the Bureau’s secret method for unlocking the iPhone 5c used by one of the San Bernardino shooters will not work on newer models. So you hear that terrorists, get newer iPhones.

9. A rare, pear-shaped, vivid pink diamond will go under the hammer in Geneva next month, where auctioneers expect it to fetch up to $38 million. “If you like pear-shaped and pink, then I’m your man,” said Mario Batali.

10. On Tuesday, The Wall Street Journal reported that Amazon is set to release a new Kindle with a rechargeable protective case for a better battery life. And, with a longer battery life, you’ll be able to take your Kindle more places and explain to people why you don’t own an iPad.

11. On Tuesday, NBA superstar LeBron James topped the Power 100 list of the world’s most marketable athlete. While A-Rod has heard of the list.

12. Comedian Bill Cosby won the right on Monday to delay providing evidence, including DNA, in a lawsuit in Massachusetts. Which is surprising because Cosby has never been shy about supplying a DNA sample, whether requested or not.

13. The wooden dining chair that author J.K. Rowling sat in while she wrote the “Harry Potter” books is going up for auction in New York. Not to be outdone, also up for auction is the sofa Ben Affleck napped on while Matt Damon wrote “Good Will Hunting.

14. A dentist office in Illinois is using a golden retriever named JoJo as a dental assistant. Because who’s a better advocate for flossing regularly than someone who eats their own poop.

15. This week, Walmart pulled a University of Maryland t-shirt that it was selling because mistakenly bore the shape of the state of Massachusetts. Although, if there’s one thing Walmart customers shouldn’t be critical of, it’s the shape things are in.

16. According to reports, Alaska Airlines is nearing a deal to acquire Virgin America for more than $2 billion. But they should be careful because the last time an Alaskan thought they had a virgin the country got introduced to Levi Johnston.

March 25, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Microsoft’s so-called chatbot that uses artificial intelligence to engage with millennials on Twitter, lasted less than a day before it was hobbled by a barrage of racist and sexist comments by Twitter users that it parroted back to them. Microsoft decided to shut down chatbot as opposed to its other option, have it run for president.

2. A rapper associated with the Wu Tang Clan has sued TMZ for incorrectly reporting two years ago that he severed his own penis and jumped out of a second-floor window. Said the rapper, “It was a third-floor window.”

3. A man was arrested in North Carolina on Thursday for renting a VHS tape of the movie “Freddie Got Fingered” fourteen years ago and never returning it. But, in the man’s defense, after watching the film he just assumed the store didn’t want it back.

4. A man was arrested in North Carolina on Thursday for renting a VHS tape of the movie “Freddie Got Fingered” fourteen years ago and never returning it. Ironically, now that he’s in jail, the man will soon have something in common with Freddie.

5. A new matchmaking services called Smell Dating has opened in New York which allows single people to pick out their perfect match by smelling the dirty T-shirts of potential dates. Which seems like a terrible idea because I’ve lived in New York City for ten years and never once thought, “Oh, that’s an interesting smell, I’d like to know more about it.”

6. Yesterday, Alex Rodriguez announced that he’ll retire once his current contract with the New York Yankees expires after the 2017 MLB season. Which means, in just two short years, there will be some young Yankees fans who never got the opportunity to shout at A-Rod that he’s gay.

7. A professional marks-woman on YouTube has posted an Easter-themed video where she tests a bulletproof vest made out of Peeps. That story again, a slightly-used, non-bulletproof vest made out of Peeps and a bunch of guns are now for sale.

8. According to reports, Yankee great Derek Jeter has herpes. Which is just further proof that you should always wear a helmet when rounding the bases and heading for home.

9. A young lady in Britain who dresses up as Elsa from the Disney movie “Frozen” for children’s birthday parties also works as a call-girl at night. So god I hope that’s cupcake frosting on her dress.

10. A young lady in Britain who dresses up as Elsa from the Disney movie “Frozen” for children’s birthday parties also works as a call-girl at night. Said the birthday girl’s father, “On second thought, you don’t look familiar.”

11. According to a new survey, lots of ordinary people are into sex with a dash of voyeurism, fetishism and masochism, all habits classified as deviant in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. Or, as it is known to those who took the survey, the Big Book of Ideas.

12. On Thursday, Piotr Lobodzinski of Poland won the Eiffel Tower race, running up the 1,665 steps of the Paris landmark in just 7 minutes and 48 seconds. And leave it up to a Polish guy to not realize there’s a elevator.

13. Last week, Madonna showed up over two hours late to her concert in Australia and then brought a 17-year-old fan on stage and pulled down the girl’s top to reveal one of her breasts. And you thought your grandmother was embarrassing.

March 24, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. There is a new dating app named “Sizzl” that allows single people who love bacon to meet. So it’s basically the exact opposite of J-Date.

2. Yesterday, Alex Rodriguez announced that he’ll retire once his current contract with the New York Yankees expires after the 2017 MLB season. After which he’ll undoubtedly spend more time at home with his loved ones:
arod

3. A professional marks-woman on YouTube has posted an Easter-themed video where she tests a bulletproof vest made out of Peeps. So, yeah, Jesus is probably not coming back this year either.

4. To celebrate actress Reese Witherspoon’s 40th birthday, comedian and friend Chelsea Handler stripped down to her birthday suit. Then everyone at the party immediately blew out the candles so there was less light in the room.

5. On Wednesday, artist Tracey Emin announced that she is marrying a rock. “I give it 3 million years,” said a geologist.

6. Alabama lawmakers are considering a bill that would require teachers to undergo training on not having sex with their students. Said teachers in Alabama, “But what if we’re related?”

7. Republican presidential candidates Donald Trump and Ted Cruz turned to Twitter to defend their wives’ honor after a Super PAC put out an ad featuring Trump’s wife nude and Trump threatened to “spill the beans” on Cruz’s wife. I never thought I’d say this, but I miss the old days when the political discourse was more civil and Trump was just talking about the size of his dick.

8. On Tuesday, U.S. District Judge Fernando Olguin dismissed former Los Angeles Clippers owner Donald Sterling’s lawsuit accusing the National Basketball Association of antitrust violations for forcing him to sell the franchise in 2014. Said Sterling, “I knew I was screwed when the bailiff said ‘All rise for Judge Fernando.’”

9. Yesterday, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell said he is hoping to play a regular season game in China sometime in the next few years. Thus giving the Browns the chance to get one step closer to their goal of losing a game on every continent.

10. The Rolling Stones have taken to YouTube to welcome Cubans to their free concert on Friday, although few are likely to see the video since most people on the state-controlled island don’t have internet access. Although, to be fair, most Rolling Stone fans don’t know how to access the internet anyway.