March 30, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. When asked why he was referring to the coronavirus as the Chinese virus last week, President Trump said, “I have to call out where it came from.” And, in his defense, he has a track record of naming awful things that were unleashed on the word after where they came from:

2. Last Thursday, O.J. Simpson tweeted that he’d go ‘crazy’ if all golf courses were closed due to the coronavirus. And just when you thought news couldn’t get any worse for laid-off waiters in Brentwood.

3. An Oregon police department is asking residents to stop calling 911 because they’ve run out of toilet paper. But if you do call 911 because you’ve run out of toilet paper, please disinfect your phone.

4. Last week, actor Idris Elba announced that he tested positive for the coronavirus. But, on the plus-side, catching the virus is still only the second worst thing that’s happened to Idris this year:

5. New York City mayor Bill de Blasio said Wednesday the city will remove basketball hoops at parks where pick-up games continued despite social-distancing guidelines as a result of the coronavirus pandemic. “Wait, we were supposed to be shooting at the hoop this whole time?” asked the Knicks.

6. In a recent interview, actress Courteney Cox says she doesn’t even remember being on ‘Friends.’ Meanwhile, Matt Le Blanc still wakes up in cold sweats because he remembers ‘Joey.’ 

7. Disgraced Hollywood mogul Harvey Weinstein tested positive for the coronavirus while in prison. Harvey said the nasal swab was the nicest thing he’s had shoved into him all week.

8.  Disgraced Hollywood mogul Harvey Weinstein tested positive for the coronavirus while in prison. So now he’s got to break the news to everyone he’s come in contact with:

9. Last week, six-time Super Bowl champion quarterback Tom Brady announced that he is signing with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Said Brady, “I’m tired of winning.”

10. Simba, a dog from Florida that was missing for more than two months, was found last week 1,400 miles away in Michigan. Which is, at best, a lateral move.

11. Last week, in an effort to halt the spread of the coronavirus, Germany banned gatherings of more than two people. Which, depending on how you look at it, is either a two months or seventy years too late:

12. According to a new study, taking a bath may be good for your heart. So I guess my 401k’s heart is really healthy right now

13. Pope Francis has donated 30 respirators to hospitals in areas hardest hit by the coronavirus pandemic. Because even the fucking Pope knows sending ‘thoughts and prayers’ does nothing.

14. An opera singer in Paris is giving daily concerts from his balcony window to lift his neighbors’ spirits during the nationwide lockdown enforced to contain the spread of the coronavirus. Said his neighbors, “I now you can lose you sight and smell from corona, but we’re also hoping it takes our sense of sound too.”

15. A Belgian robotics firm is lending a fleet of robots to old-age homes to help tend to residents after the government banned visitors to prevent the spread of coronavirus. It’s the perfect way to ensure that the elderly do not die from the coronavirus, but instead heart attacks.

16. CVS mistakenly sent false information to its staff about how to combat the coronavirus late last week. Even worse, here’s how they sent that information:

17. Last week, Hashem Abedi, the brother of Manchester bomber, was found guilty of 22 counts of the murders. Said Abedi’s mother, “Why can’t you be more like your brother?!!?!”

18. Last week a woman gave birth the in toilet paper aisle of a Missouri Walmart. Luckily the aisle was completely sterile:

19. Joe Biden’s presidential campaign installed a television studio in his basement over the weekend. Oddly, it was the Teletubbies studio set:

20. Coronavirus has had a dramatic effect on the sex industry as many porn actors are avoiding contact with other performers and, as a result, suffering financially. So if you’ve ever fantasized about your favorite porn star ‘checking you out’ at the supermarket, there’s a real chance now:

October 21, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to a new study, owning a dog is tied to lowering your risk of dying early by 24%. Counterpoint:

2. This week, NASA astronauts Jessica Meir and Christina Koch conducted the first all-female spacewalk. On a congratulatory call, President Trump praised them as “brave, brave women,” while Vice President Pence said “you’re still too close.” 

3. This week, the Paris zoo unveiled an unusual organism, nicknamed ‘the blob,’ which can heal itself and has 720 sexes. “A gross amorphous creature that has a lot of sex, nicknamed ‘the blob’? You’ll be hearing from my lawyers,” said Harvey Weinstein.

4. In a recent interview, Packers legend Brett Favre said he believes he stayed in the NFL too long. He said the warning signs included constant headaches, significant memory loss, and agreeing to be the Jets quarterback:

5. According to a recent report, concussions increased by 44% during this year’s NFL preseason. But, on the plus-side, that means around half of the Miami Dolphins won’t remember this season. 

6. A Florida man was reportedly arrested last week for trying to get an alligator drunk after his pals captured the reptile. Even worse, that gator was their designated driver.

7. Last week, a man walked 351 miles to have sex with a 14-year-old girl who turned out to be an undercover cop. So ladies, he’s single and into fitness.

8. Australia recently refused entry to a Vietnamese woman for failing to declare 22 pounds of raw pork, seafood and poultry upon her arrival in Sydney. “Where were you guys eleven hours ago?” said the guy who sat next to her on the plane ride over. 

9. Temperatures in Colorado plunged 64 degrees on Thursday last week. The last time the temperature dropped that quickly, Ann Coulter walked into the room. 

10.  Native New Yorker Alec Baldwin got scammed by a ticket seller in New York City. Oh no, did he get tricked into attending a live taping of the new “Match Game”?:

11. Actor Jonah Hill reportedly turned down an offer to play the Penguin in the upcoming Batman movie. Apparently Jonah rejected the role because he didn’t want to lose weight. 

12. The Trump White House on Tuesday rejected an impeachment inquiry launched by Democrats in the House of Representatives as “constitutionally invalid.”. But, on the plus-side, that means this administration has at least heard of the Constitution.

13. An Oklahoma woman is recovering after she was shot in the leg when her dog stepped on a loaded handgun. Said Rover, “No. You fetch!”

14. According to a new report, nearly two-thirds of North American birds will go extinct due to global warming. “Good,” said President Trump:

15. President Trump said on Thursday he does not know the two associates of his personal lawyer Rudy Giuliani who were arrested, even if they are in a picture with him. Which is true, just because they are in a picture with him, doesn’t mean Donald knows them, for instance, he has no idea who these people are:

16. According to prosecutors, the two associates of Rudy Giuliani who were arrested last week, had purchased one-way airline tickets out of the U.S. “So there are at least two open seats on that flight?” asked Mike and Karen Pence.

17. According to CNN, Rudy Giuliani is still the President’s attorney but will not be dealing with matters involving Ukraine. So it’s back to the basics for Giuliani, paying off pornstars.

18. Newly revealed court documents allege that actor Cuba Gooding Jr asked a stranger to “sit on [his] face and pee in [his] mouth” after groping her. But, on the plus-side, at least this time he asked first.

April 29, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. Actress Salma Hayek’s husband, French billionaire François-Henri Pinault, pledged almost $113 million to rebuild Paris’ historic Notre Dame Cathedral. And, considering his tastes, I assume the rebuilt church will be extremely top-heavy.

2. McDonald’s said on Wednesday that it is partnering with AARP to help attract workers who are aged fifty or above. Proving that it’s never too late in life to completely give up. 

3. A bakery in Tennessee has started selling cakes to celebrate successful vasectomy operations. They will also sell cakes to celebrate unsuccessful ones:

4. President Trump reportedly refers to his daughter Ivanka as ‘baby’ in official meetings. He also has nicknames for his sons, he calls Don Jr. “who?” and Eric “tell him I’m busy.” 

5. Kohl’s announced on Tuesday that it will accept Amazon customers’ order returns for free, even without the shipping box. It’s all part of Kohl’s new motto: “We’ll take whatever shit you got lying around.” 

6. According to reports, President Trump gave South Korean President Moon Jae-in a message to relay to North Korean leader Kim Jong Un. And there’s at least a 50% chance Trump gave Moon that message because he thought he was Jong Un.

7. This week, lawyers for Robert Kraft, who has been charged with soliciting and paying for sex, tried to block the release of an uncover video of the New England Patriots owner. Which is confusing because I thought Kraft was always in favor of a full release.

8. President Trump is expected to travel to Japan next month to attend the final day of the country’s summer Grand Sumo Tournament. Where I assume he will ask for a few weight loss tips.

9. During a town hall that was aired on Fox News, Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders called President Trump “a pathological liar.” Said Trump, “Well, if it’s on Fox News.”

10. A five-year-old Michigan boy called 911 to order McDonald’s and the police decided to bring it to him. And, just like that, President Trump has his next Medal of Freedom recipient.

11. Over the weekend, President Trump took to Twitter to proclaim that he has never been happier. Never, really?:

12. An article written by Stephen Moore, one of President Trump’s picks to serve on the Federal Reserve Board, has surfaced in which Moore asked if there was any area in life “where men can take vacation from women. “Yes, it’s called prison,” said Paul Manafort, Michael Flynn, and Michael Cohen.

13. Henry Bloch, who helped build tax preparation company H&R Block into a leading force in business, died Tuesday at the age of 96. He is survived by his wife and three good-for-nothing dependents.

14. On Tuesday, a man set a new world record by playing 420 holes of golf in 24 hours. Even more impressive, he still found time in between holes to tweet:

15. PepsiCo is suing four farmers in India for copyright infringement, claiming they were growing a variety of potatoes trademarked by the company. Not to be outdone, Coke is suing the concept of time for slander.

September 28, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. In a recent interview, tennis superstar Serena Williams said her new baby daughter helped her recover from her recent U.S Open loss. “Really? Can we borrow your baby,” said the New York Jets.

2. North West, the 5-year-old daughter of Kanye West and Kim Kardashian West, walked her first fashion show runway over the weekend. Sounds like she got her fashion sense from her dad and her ability to get on stage and not say something stupid from her mom:

3. New York’s attorney general on Monday said lawyer review website Avvo had agreed to reform its rating system and improve disclosures after a probe revealed shortcomings in how it presented information to consumers seeking to hire lawyers. I don’t know, seems pretty helpful to me:

4. In an interview this week, Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh admitted that he was a virgin throughout high school. In response, Ruth Bader Ginsburg called Kavanaugh “a fucking loser.”

5. HBO said on Thursday it will be dropping boxing from its programming schedule, ending a 45-year association with the sport. But fans of boxing shouldn’t be worried, HBO also announced an upcoming concert series with Chris Brown.

6. The Paris prosecutor’s office on Wednesday opened an investigation into a little known French rapper who shot to social media fame with a video called “Hang white people”. But, if you think about, isn’t that the subtitle of every Macklemore song too? 

7. Korean boy band BTS spoke at the United Nations this week. Marking the first time a pop-band has addressed the General Assembly since N’SYNC backed up Boutros Boutros-Ghali:

8. This week Arby’s announced that it is buying Sonic for $2.3 billion. Which equates to one dollar for every commercial on TV right now:

9. On Tuesday, a room full of world leaders at the U.N. laughed during Donald Trump’s speech when the president lavished praised on himself. Although Trump should be used to getting laughed at since he’s been roasted on Comedy Central, is made fun of nightly on talk shows, and has taken his pants off in front of real live women before.

10. A two-seater convertible car owned by Marilyn Monroe is going up for auction in November. It is expected to fetch much more than James Dean’s car.

11. This week the Secret Service unveiled the first update to the presidential limo since 2009, which is filled with a wide range of medical supplies including a refrigerator full of President Trump’s blood type. Big deal, I’ve seen limos with mini-fridges full of Diet Coke before too. 

12. The NHL is investigating Philadelphia Flyers forward Jori Lehtera after a Finnish news outlet reported he was questioned by police in his native Finland about his involvement in a cocaine ring. They may also want to question this guy:

13. A Silicon Valley start-up called Ambrosia is looking into opening a clinic in Manhattan where people over the age of 35 could be injected with the blood of younger people to help increase their vitality. Although, if you’re interested in other people’s fluids, may I suggest the subway. 

14. According to reports, Bronx rapper Cardi B is in talks to perform with Maroon 5 at this year’s Super Bowl halftime show. So, at least someone from New York will be there:

15. President Trump was so late to his scheduled speech at the U.N. on Tuesday, that the President of Ecuador had to take his spot. Which, I’m hoping means, that whoever the hell that guy is, is now our president.

16. This week ‘Saturday Night Live’ announced the addition of a new cast member, Ego Nwodim. So congratulations Ms. Nwodim and my condolences to SNL announcer Daryl Hammond. 

17. Chick-fil-A surprised a Florida man on his 100th birthday with free food for life. Because there’s nothing better for the heart of an elderly man who likes fried food than surprises.

18. This week, a kangaroo got loose from a Florida animal reserve and wandered the streets of a residential community. Said every Floridan, “Do you see that kangaroo too, or is the meth just really good?”

April 27, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. Queen Elizabeth attended a concert featuring Sting and Kylie Minogue to celebrate her 92nd birthday. And, I think she liked it:

2. According to ‘The Wall Street Journal,’ President Trump will not be willing to offer North Korea sanctions relief before Pyongyang has dismantled its nuclear programs. Said Kim Jong Un, “What about now?”:

3. NBA star Steph Curry has signed a multi-year film and television deal with Sony Pictures Entertainment. Not to be outdone, New York Knick starting center Ends Kanter just signed a deal with Netflix to get two DVDs a month for $5.99.

4. To celebrate Earth Day on Monday, President Trump planted a tree at the White House. And also in celebration Earth Day, EPA director Scott Pruitt immediately cut it down.

5. This week, White House physician Ronny Jackson was accused of drinking on the job. Even crazier, Trump has been dead sober this whole time:

6. A candidate for an Iraqi Parliament seat has dropped her run for office amid a swirl of attention over what she asserts is a “fabricated” sex tape that went viral across Iraq. Even crazier, Billy Bush is in it.

7. President Trump said Saturday that he is considering granting a posthumous pardon to boxer Jack Johnson on the advice of actor Sylvester Stallone. The craziest part of the story is that it contains two boxers, and yet Trump is still the one with the most brain damage?

8. On Wednesday, in response to recent allegations, former-nominee to lead the Veterans Affairs department, Dr. Ronny Jackson said he had not wrecked a car. But, to be fair, Billy Joel also hasn’t wrecked a car.

9. On Tuesday, President Trump called North Korean leader Kim Jong Un “an honorable man.” Because when you surround yourself with the likes of Steve Bannon and Stephen Miller, a tiny, power-hungry dictator who executes family members seems “honorable.”

10. A soldier wounded by an improvised explosive device in Afghanistan has received the world’s first complete penis and scrotum transplant and he is doing fine. Although, just to be safe maybe don’t use the term ‘blow job’ around him.

11. A soldier wounded by an improvised explosive device in Afghanistan has received the world’s first complete penis and scrotum transplant. “Oh, so that’s where those went,” said Caitlyn Jenner.

12. On Thursday, President Trump’s nominee to head the Department of Veteran Affairs, Dr. Ronnie Jackson, withdrew his nomination. So, say hello to your next Secretary of Veteran Affairs:

13. An Australian company has introduced a line of Avengers-themed sex toys. The toys are designed to be used alone or … oh, who are we kidding, they’re going to be used alone.

14. On Wednesday, Donald Trump’s lawyer Michael Cohen, said, “based upon the advice of counsel, I will assert my Fifth Amendment rights” regarding his involvement in a hush money paid to porn star Stormy Daniels. Smart advice by counsel, which can only mean one thing, Cohen is not representing himself.

15. WhatsApp, the popular messaging service, is raising its minimum age from 13 to 16. “Sounds like I just lost another endorsement deal,” said Jared Fogel.

16. A first edition of John James Audubon’s “The Birds of America” is going up for auction in New York and could fetch up to $12 million. Which my seem like a high price tag, but you have to remember it combines all the excitement of bird-watching with books!

17. This week, former White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer made an appearance at New York City’s Madame Tussauds to unveil a new wax likeness of Melania Trump. And when he didn’t want to answer questions, he managed to hide behind some bushes:

18. On Thursday, President Trump admitted on Fox News that he’s been too busy to get a birthday gift for his wife, first lady Melania Trump. Yeah, ‘busy’ is definitely the right word:

19. President Donald Trump on Thursday said he is considering five locations for his meeting with North Korean leader Kim Jong Un. I would have guessed he would be open to more than five locations:

20. A man in Paris is the first person in the world to successfully receive two face transplants. “First? Really?” said Nic Cage as John Travolta:

December 29, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Last week, Dutch ambassador Peter Hoekstra lied to a news reporter about comments he perviously made, and then, when confronted with those comments, lied about lying. Said Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos, “The lying gets worse, I just checked a map and there’s no such place as Dutch”

2. The man who dropped off a gift-wrapped box of horse manure to Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin’s Los Angeles home said he did so in response to Congress’s newly passed tax bill. But that’s not a good comparison because at least the man gift-wrapped his package of shit.

3. A man in Mexico who claims to have a 19-inch penis says his member makes it impossible for him to hold down a job because he can’t kneel or wear a uniform. In other news, A-Rod hit 696 home runs with a career batting average of .295:

4. According to the numbers, Donald Trump visited a Trump-owned property over 100 times in his first year as president. And the number goes up dramatically if you consider Mitch McConnell and Paul Ryan Trump-owned properties.

5. Callista Gingrich, wife of former speaker of the House of Representatives Newt Gingrich, on Friday became U.S. ambassador to the Vatican. That crazy story again, the woman who is married to Newt Gingrich and has presumably seen him naked still believes in God.

6. Michelin-starred chef Massimo Bottura plans to open two new restaurants in Paris and Naples next year, where the food will be free, made from supermarket scraps and served only to the poor. Or, as it’s more commonly known. Arby’s.

7. On Sunday, President Trump lashed out at the media tweeting, “The Fake News refuses to talk about how Big and how Strong our Base is.” I don’t know about strong, but they’ve definitely reported about how big your base is:

8. A topless protester was detained by Vatican police on Monday for attempting to steal the doll of baby Jesus from the Vatican’s nativity scene. Said the Pope, “What can I say? Bitches be cray”

9. According to a report, government officials are imploring Prince Harry not to invite former President Obama to his upcoming wedding for fear of enraging President Trump. You think Trump will be mad, wait until Jeff Sessions finds out Harry’s fiancee is half-black.

10. While eating diner at a local Applebee’s after losing to the Carolina Panthers on Christmas Eve, Tampa Bay Buccaneers defensive tackle Sealver Siliga left a $1,000 tip. “I just felt bad that anyone had to work such a crummy job on Christmas Eve,” said the Applebee’s empployees of Siliga.

11. New research suggests, for older people, getting out of the house regularly may contribute to a longer life. That story again, Grandma was a freeloader and I did her a favor by kicking her out of the house.

12. New research suggests, for older people, getting out of the house regularly may contribute to a longer life. So, at this rate, Donald Trump is going to live forever:

13. On Wednesday, the Israeli Minister of Transportation announced that a new train station near the Western Wall will be named after President Trump. In honor of Trump, the train will have an gigantic caboose:

14. A Connecticut woman allegedly snorted cocaine in a police station while waiting to be booked on unrelated charges. Which, to her credit, is a pretty smart way to not have to wait anymore.

15. Alabama officials on Thursday certified Doug Jones the winner of the state’s Senate race, after a judge denied a legal challenge by Roy Moore. Moore will handle this rejection like he usually does, by signing the judge’s high school yearbook and stalking him at the mall.

16. Smartphone maker Apple and Japanese printer company Epson are facing legal complaints in France over allegedly speeding up the aging process of their products to stimulate demand. “I’m not so sure speeding up the aging process increases demand” said Mickey Rourke’s face:

17. China has closed more than 13,000 websites since the beginning of 2015 for breaking the law or other rules with the vast majority of people supporting government efforts to clean up cyberspace. I’ve made fun of your president and implied that Chinese people pee-pee in our coke, I guess what I’m saying is, what the fuck does a website gotta do to get banned in China?

18. A Tibetan film-maker jailed in China for making a film about the Olympics and Tibet has arrived in the United States after escaping from China. “You can be jailed in China for making unpopular movies?” asked a very concerned Adam Sandler.

July 14, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. President Trump on Saturday promised $639 million in aid to feed people left starving because of conflict in Somalia, South Sudan, Nigeria and Yemen. Which, I assume he thinks are neighborhoods in Chicago.

2. Last week, an Oklahoma man proposed to his girlfriend as he was being arrested in his driveway on six felony warrants. Said the arresting officer, “You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you. I’m not reading you your Miranda rights, I’m just telling you how marriage works.”

3. In a new interview, while speaking about his trip to Germany, President Trump said “It was a great G20. We had 20 countries.” Adding, “And I know that for sure, because I took off my shoes to count.”

4. Kid Rock announced on Wednesday that he is running for Senate in 2018. And though the race is still far away, we already now his opponent will be common sense.

5. A California man was caught driving a stolen vehicle on his way to make a court appearance on a previous auto theft charge. Said his buddy in the passenger who was getting a lift to his murder trial, “Please don’t look in the trunk.”

6. United Airlines destroyed a passenger’s $42,000 custom wheelchair. Said United, “Or, maybe, just maybe, we provided that customer with the necessary motivation to finally walk again.”

7. While in Paris on Thursday, President Trump looked French First Lady Brigitte Macron up-and-down and said, “You’re in such good shape.” In response, Mrs. Macron looked Trump up-and-down and said, “Nice weather we’re having.”

8. This week, New Kids on the Block singer Donnie Wahlberg left a $2,000 tip at a Waffle House in North Carolina. Said the employees of that Waffle House, “I think we’re paying Donnie too much.”

9. New York City cops busted a crazed woman who sprayed lighter fluid all over a Duane Reade in the Port Authority early Tuesday morning. Crazed? Really? I’m calling bullshit if you’ve ever been in the Port Authority and not felt the urge to burn that place to the ground.

10. A new study found that breast implants seem to provide some protection against gunshots, altering the speed and shape of bullets as they hit the body. Although, unfortunately, no protection against hepatitis C:

11. Kentucky Fried Chicken celebrated its 30th anniversary of operations in China by unveiling a limited edition smartphone. Which means the Samsung Galaxy that unexpectedly bursts into flames is now the second worst cellphone for your health.

12. One of two baby peregrine falcons born on the University of California, Berkeley campus died Wednesday after flying into a window. Seems like that bird was more UCLA material if you ask me.

13. Rapper Ice Cube was ninety minutes late for a performance at a marijuana festival because his car broke down and he had to take an Uber to the show. Of course, since it was a weed festival, he was still the first one there.

14. Prisoner O.J. Simpson is worried that his July 20th parole hearing will be a media circus and the officials will deny his release because of the press. And at least a little bit because he killed his wife and a waiter.

15. The Dallas Cowboys are the world’s most valuable sports team, according to the annual list published by Forbes on Wednesday. While the Cleveland Browns somehow owe Forbes money.

16. Over the weekend, White House Chief of Staff Reince Priebus said President Trump “was a star in Hamburg and no one can take that away.” Priebus is right, I can’t think of a single time a world leader was a star in Germany and then subsequently had that title taken away from him. Not a single one.

17. Miami Marlins owner Jeffrey Loria is reportedly suing Kenneth Sack, a fan of the team and former season ticket holder. If found guilty, Sack could be sentenced to ten more years as a Marlins fan.

18. The World Health Organization is warning of a gonorrhea superbug that is quickly spreading around the globe. That story again, Russell Brand is back on the dating scene.

19. Last week, Moninda Marube, a professional long distance runner from Kenya, outran two bears while training in the woods of Maine. Actually Marube did’t outrun that bears so much as he outran his former running partner Glenn. RIP Glenn.

20. New York Senator Charles Schumer is asking the FDA to regulate a new snortable chocolate powder. “Back off Schumer, I need this!” said the Nesquick rabbit:

21. Actor Shia LaBeouf was arrested in Georgia early Saturday morning on charges of disorderly conduct and public intoxication. Begging the question, do you know how drunk you have to be to be considered too drunk in Georgia?

22. On Twitter Wednesday, actor Shia LaBeouf said his racist tirade against a Georgia police officer was a “new low.” Although I’d beg to differ because I saw his performance in that ‘Indiana Jones’ movie.

23. President Trump’s first face-to-face meeting with Russian President Vladimir Putin, which took place Friday at the G20 Summit and was scheduled for thirty minutes, lasted over two hours. But, that only’s because Trump insists on cuddling afterwards.

24. President Trump’s first face-to-face meeting with Russian President Vladimir Putin, which took place Friday at the G20 Summit and was scheduled for thirty minutes, lasted over two hours. But, you know what they say, time flies when you’re inadvertently disclosing classified information to a foreign enemy.

25. According to a new study, unpaid family and friends provide the overwhelming majority of care to the elderly in their last years of life. Although, if they paid better, maybe it wouldn’t be the last years of their lives.

July 11, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. A woman from Iowa pled guilty to election misconduct for attempting to cast two ballots in the 2016 presidential election for Donald Trump. Yikes, I’d hate to be the guy who has to tell Trump he actually lost the popular vote by 2,017,564 votes:

2. President Donald Trump’s son Donald Trump Jr. said on Monday he would be happy to share what he knows with the Senate Intelligence Committee. As a result, the Senate Intelligence Committee has set aside eight minutes on Wednesday to hear absolutely everything Donald Trump Jr knows. No word, on what they plan on doing with the remaining seven minutes.

3. Researchers studying a mass vaccination campaign against meningitis have found a surprising side effect, the shots also offered protection against gonorrhea. That story again, Lindsay Lohan most likely also has meningitis.

4. An ultra-Orthodox Jewish version of ‘SharkTank’ called ‘BizTank’ has launched online. The first guy in the tank had a business that repurposed used bed sheets into ghost costumes for kids:

5. Earlier this month, Amazon’s Alexa called the police after a New Mexico man beat and threatened to kill his girlfriend. “How do you unplug this thing?” said O.J.

6. When President Trump travels to Paris later this week, he will reportedly dine on blue lobster with French President Emmanuel Macron in Paris. “That’s not the color that’s supposed to be,” said someone looking at Trump.

7. A Maine woman who tuned 100 said the secret to her longevity is wine. “I’m never gonna die, bitches!” yelled Kathie Lee Gifford.

8. The Senate intelligence committee’s top Democrat said on Monday he “absolutely” wants to speak to President Donald Trump’s son about a meeting he had during the campaign last year with a Russian attorney. That enthusiasm to talk to Donald Trump Jr. can only mean one thing, he’s never talked to Donald Trump Jr before.

9. The International Olympic Committee said on Monday it is working hard to make sure North Korea takes part in next year’s Winter Olympics in neighboring South Korea. And, to that end, they have introduced a new Olympic sport, failed missile launching.

10. According to reports, the cast of MTV’s ‘Jersey Shore’ has been spotted in New Jersey filming a reunion show. Because, much like the herpes they all have, they reemerge up every couple of years.

July 6, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to a new study, Americans spend four years of their lives daydreaming and escaping reality. Specifically, the next four years:

2. According to NBC News, President Trump has no agenda for his upcoming meeting with Russian President Vladimir Putin. Said Trump, “We’re just gonna have a few glasses of wine and see where the night takes us.”

3. Mel Gibson will play Mark Wahlberg’s gruff and disappointed father in the upcoming film ‘Daddy’s Home 2.’ Gibson was able to stay in character and act disappointed by reminding himself that his son’s name ended in ‘berg.’

4. Tuesday, a mall in Oklahoma was flooded with a mysterious brown liquid, the cause of which remains unknown. “Now, let’s not rush to judgment here,” said the manager of the food court Chipotle.

5. Scientists say that sex robots will become extremely common in about a decade. “Sooner!” yelled Melania.

6. Famed astrophysicist Stephen Hawking recently said that he fears Donald Trump’s decision to pull out of the Paris climate change agreement could be the “tipping point” which wipes out humanity. And, now, for Trump’s response:

7. A restaurant has opened up in a treehouse in Alabama that sells nothing but hot dogs. That story again, the fanciest restaurant in Alabama has opened.

8. Actress Lindsay Lohan took to Twitter this week begging people to stop bullying President Trump and, instead, support him. Which means Newt Gingrich now has some competition for the title of Trump supporter with the biggest tits.

9. President Trump’s tweet of a doctored video showing him slamming a man whose face is obscured by a CNN logo has become Twitter’s most shared post ever. While Twitter’s least shared post ever remains:

10. A set of used golf clubs once owned by President Trump will be auctioned off online. An American History book owned by Trump is also up for sale, but that one’s not used.

June 29, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Tuesday, Venezuelan police attacked the country’s Supreme Court by dropping grenades from a helicopter. “I wish a bitch would,” said Ruth Bader Ginsburg:

2. Yesterday French President Emmanuel Macron invited President Trump to Paris on July 14th to celebrate Bastille Day, otherwise known as French National Day. Said Trump, “Those idiots don’t even celebrate the Fourth of July on the right day.”

3. According to a new study, acupuncture paired with mild electric currents may be better than doing nothing at all to relieve urinary incontinence in women. Or, you could just move to Russia and make a career out of it:

4. Bumble, a dating app where women typically initiate the conversation, has launched a pop-up location this month in Manhattan. Or, as it’s more commonly known, a bar, you opened a bar, Bumble. Congrats.

5. Actress Lindsay Lohan is launching a subscription-only lifestyle website. But, I assume that’s a typo and meant to say Lohan’s website comes with a lifetime prescription to Valtrex.

6. On Wednesday, a man drove his car into and destroyed a newly installed Ten Commandments monument in Arkansas. Said the man, “If this doesn’t impress my neighbor’s wife nothing will.”

7. Yesterday, Joe Maddon, the manager of the World Series champion Chicago Cubs, said when you’re invited to the White House, “I think you go.” And here to provide the counter argument is Melania.

8. According to reports, President Trump’s team has been fighting with Disney World over the speech Trump’s robot will give in their Hall of President’s exhibit. The problem is if they use an actual Trump speech word-for-word it will sound like the robot is malfunctioning:

9. This week, actress Michelle Rodriguez threatened to quit the ‘Fast and Furious’ movie franchise over its treatment of women. And I agree, no one should have to try to act in a scene alongside Vin Diesel.

10. In a recent interview, actor Rob Lowe claimed to have once seen the giant mythical creature Bigfoot. Not to be outdone, Bigfoot claims to have once seen the never-aging, mythical creature Rob Lowe.