Tag Archives: Nevada

December 22, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

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1. The Trump administration has told agencies within the Department of Health and Human Services to avoid using certain words or phrases in official documents, including ‘diversity,’ ‘transgender’ and ‘science-based.’ But Trump more than anyone should know ignoring something and not calling it by name won’t make it go away:eric trump1

2. An extensive review of research on exercise, nutritional supplements, drugs and brain-training techniques concludes there is no definitive evidence that any of them protect against dementia. Also, twelve Diet Cokes a day isn’t helping either.

3. The new Donald Trump robot was unveiled this week at Disney’s Hall of Presidents, with robotic George Washington introducing him. Washington’s exact words are, “Get a load of this asshole.”

4. Roy Moore, who has still not conceded his loss in the Alabama Senate race, is asking supporters for $75,000 to investigate “voter fraud.” Seems like someone should tell Roy that it’s not voter fraud, black people are allowed to vote.

5. Singer Lady Gaga announced on Wednesday that she will stage a nightly show at the MGM hotel in Las Vegas for the next two years. “Word of advice,” said fellow Las Vegas resident Roy, “leave your meat suit at home”: roy gaga

6. A couple in Tennessee recently gave birth to a baby girl from an embryo that was frozen twenty-four years ago. That means that newborn baby is also somehow 24-years-old and thus legal, or, as it’s otherwise known, Roy Moore’s perfect woman.

7. The White House announced that President Trump will undergo a physical examination early next year and the results will be released to the public. “I can’t wait to see that,” said everyone but the doctor.

8. A California couple was arrested on Tuesday for trying to sell their own kids for drugs. “That’s ambitious,” said President Trump: white house

9. According to a newly released poll, Hillary Clinton’s favorability rating has hit a new low of 36%. Man, at this rate, she’s never gonna win the 2016 presidential election.

10. A federal judge ruled on Monday that President Trump’s administration must allow access to abortion for two pregnant teenagers who are in the country illegally. Or, as the Trump administration spun it, good news, there will be two less illegal immigrants in this country.

11. Cincinnati Bengals rookie running back Joe Mixon bought $200,000 worth of jewelry before he was drafted. Because, if you’re a Bengal and want a ring, you’re gonna have to buy it.

12. On Tuesday, ‘Variety’ reported that Nick Cannon will write and direct a movie about women’s basketball entitled “She Ball” co-starring Chris Brown. Said the studio exec who green-lit the movie, “I’m trying to get fired.”

13. On Tuesday, ‘Variety’ reported that Nick Cannon will write and direct a movie about women’s basketball entitled “She Ball” co-starring Chris Brown. Great news for anyone who loved ‘Juwanna Mann’ but always wished it was somehow worse.

14. The new Donald Trump robot was unveiled this week at Disney’s Hall of Presidents. Unfortunately the robot keeps trying to get the women who work at Epcot’s Russia pavilion to go on ‘Splash Mountain’ with him.

15. On Wednesday, Catt Sadler, co-host of two shows on E!, left the company after twelve years after she learned that E! was paying her half as much as her male co-host. Congratulations to Sadler who now earns the same amount of money as a male host, unfortunately that male host is Billy Bush.

16. This week, Major League Soccer announced that a new expansion team has been awarded to the city of Nashville. So, if you were looking for a reason to visit Nashville, keep looking.

17. People are suggesting that the logo for the 2018 World Chess Championship resembles two people having sex. Begging the question, if you know what sex looks like, what are you doing at a chess championship?

18. In a cabinet meeting on Wednesday, Vice President Mike Pence praised Donald Trump every 12.5 seconds for three minutes straight. Pence would have kept going, but Trump had already climaxed by then.

November 17, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

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1. On Saturday, President Trump said, despite what is widely reported, he doesn’t watch much TV because he’s too busy “reading documents.” And, to Trump’s credit, he’s almost found Waldo:

2. Last week, O.J. Simpson was thrown out of a hotel bar in Las Vegas for being too drunk and throwing a pair of glasses. “Ah, fuck,” said the waiter picked to return O.J.’s glasses to him.

3. According to reports, Mike Pence has formed a Vice President’s club with Joe Biden and Dick Cheney, who Pence routinely calls for advice. The first rule of Vice President’s club, don’t tell Al Gore about Vice President’s club.

4. On Wednesday, while speaking about embattled Alabama Senate candidate Roy Moore, who has been accused of pursuing sexual relationships with teenagers, Ivanka Trump said, “There’s a special place in hell for people who prey on children.” Yeah, that place is called Alabama.

5. According to a new study, sex rarely causes heart attacks. But, it can cause PTSD:

6. On Monday, Amazon announced a ‘Lord of the Rings’ TV show. Which producers promise will address the problems diehard fans had with the movies, specifically, the Eye of Sauron will remain a metaohor, Fatty Bolger will play a bigger role and they won’t have to leave their parent’s basement to see it.

7. On Monday, White House Chief of Staff John Kelly said he “does not follow” President Trump’s tweets. Hey, John, none of us can follow Trump’s tweets:

8. Scientists have discovered that chimpanzees can change how they communicated based on what their audience knows. Said one exhausted chimp, “Okay, let’s start over again. There are three branches in the federal government”:

9. Paralympic athlete and U.S. military veteran Rob Jones, who lost both his legs while serving in Afghanistan, is running 31 marathons in 31 days. Meanwhile, I stood up from my sofa too fast and got winded.

10. Attorney General Jeff Sessions said on Tuesday he “has no reason to doubt” the five women who have accused Senate candidate Roy Moore of sexual misconduct. Which can only mean one thing, none of those five women are black.

11. The Republican National Committee is withdrawing support for Alabama Republican Senate candidate Roy Moore after allegations surfaced that he had sexual contact with teenage girls decades ago. Said the RNC, “Hey, we were as surprised as you were to find out that we have standards.”

12. Sprint announced this week that they will offer their unlimited data plan customers free subscriptions to the streaming service Hulu. Not to be outdone, Blackberry will offer their customers their cousin Bill’s roommate’s Netflix password.

13. While in town to play the Knicks, LeBron James and the Cleveland Cavaliers were seen taking the New York City subway. That story again, the Cavs were subjected to the absolute worst experience that New York City has to offer, and then they took the subway.

14. This week, a dangerous psychiatric patient, who was accused of murder, escaped from a Hawaii hospital, cleared airport security and flew all the way to California before being caught. No word on whether he felt the urge to murder his fellow man before or after taking a six hour Southwest flight.

15. The Alabama Republican Party said on Thursday it supported embattled Senate candidate Roy Moore despite allegations of sexual misconduct. Their exact words were, “He’s still a white man, right?”

16. Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones has been informed by other NFL owners via letter that he is engaging in “conduct detrimental to the league’s best interests.” A letter that they have also sent every week for the past nine years to the owner of the Browns.

17. According to reports, President Trump told a group of Democratic senators Tuesday that he’d be a “big loser” if the Republican tex bill was signed into law. And, also, if it wasn’t.

September 29, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

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1. During a speech in Alabama last week, President Trump said, “I might have made a mistake. I’ll be honest, I might have made a mistake.” Then he brought Eric on stage.

2. During a speech in Alabama last week, President Trump said that he might have moved to Alabama or Kentucky if he lost the 2016 election because “it’s nice to go to where people love you and you love them.” Also, they tend to look the other way on certain things:

3. Last week, Angela Merkel has won a fourth term as German Chancellor. “Alright, now that bitch is just rubbing it in,” said Hillary.

4. Last Friday, President Trump promised that North Korea’s Kim Jong Un “will be tested like never before.” So, he’s gonna make him do two push-ups?

5. On Saturday, President Trump disinvited the Golden State Warriors from taking the customary championship visit to the White House. “Looks like I gotta start working on another way to get invited to the White House,” said Eric:

6. As a sign of solidarity, Stevie Wonder took a knee while the National Anthem played at a concert on Sunday. Or, more likely, someone moved Stevie’s chair without telling him.

7. This week, Health and Human Services Secretary Tom Price told Fox News that he will no longer use private jets for government business. Adding, “Is it possible to rent the Popemobile?”

8. Former U.S. Representative Anthony Weiner was sentenced to 21 months in prison on Monday for sending sexually explicit messages to a 15-year-old girl. But, on the plus side, his lawyer was able to negotiate his one jailhouse phone call into five jailhouse text messages.

9. On Monday, a man at a Sri Lankan airport was found to be carrying over two pounds of gold hidden in his rectum. So when your boyfriend tells you he “went to Jared” ask him to be more specific.

10. Researchers have discovered that some species of frogs engage in sex orgies. So it may not be easy being green but it sounds like being green makes you easy.

11. New research shows that New York City is the most popular city to have a threesome. This according to a news article that Anthony Weiner keeps sending Huma from jail.

12. After Roy Moore won Alabama’s Republican Senate runoff Tuesday night, President Trump deleted tweets where he supported Moore’s opponent Luther Strange. Wait, Trump’s known how to delete tweets this whole time?!!?!:

13. According to reports, senior advisor to the president Jared Kushner is registered to vote in New York as a woman. Presumably because there wasn’t a box for ‘douchebag.’

14. According to reports, senior advisor to the president Jared Kushner is registered to vote in New York as a woman. So I guess Trump’s cabinet was much more diverse than we thought.

15. While appearing on Megyn Kelly’s new daytime show, Lyle Menendez said he regrets what he did every day. Although I have to believe agreeing to appear on the Megyn Kelly show is quickly climbing that list of regrets.

16. On Wednesday, Paul Horner, a leading purveyor of fake news in the 2016 presidential election, died at the age of 38. Horner died doing what he loved, getting gang-raped by a group of Mexican wrestlers while he orally pleasured a donkey or at least that’s what I read in an article online.

17. According to a new study, 215 million Americans watched the solar eclipse. The last time that many people gathered to watch a dark moment, the crowd was much smaller:

18. According to reports, The Trump administration plans to admit up to 45,000 refugees to the United States next year. Whereupon they will be released into the wild and Stephen Miller will be allowed to shoot them for sport:

19. China’s latest online star uses everyday office equipment to cook pancakes, hot pot and even flame-grilled fish at her desk. “Great, maybe she can get a new job now,” said the guy in the cubicle next to her.

20. This week, Playboy founder Hugh Hefner died at the age of 91. Thus marking the first time Hefner has ever caused men to use tissues for their intended purpose.

21. This week, Playboy founder Hugh Hefner died at the age of 91. The first person to find the body was the 26-year-old blonder he was lying on top of.

22. This week, Playboy founder Hugh Hefner died at the age of 91. But, on the plus side, due to rigamortis, it’s the stiffest he’s been in years.

23. An employe of the Buffalo Bills quit after the entire team took a knee during the national anthem last weekend. Which was a nice change of pace for most Buffalo fans who are used to the Bills quitting in the middle of games.

24. Florida corrections officials said on Thursday they had no indication from O.J. Simpson that he would move to the state after his upcoming release from a Nevada prison. Although he does have a history of showing put to places unannounced, allegedly.

August 9, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Kylie Jenner recently admitted that she doesn’t know who she is since becoming famous saying, “I think I lost a lot of parts of myself.” “You think you lost parts of yourself,” said Caitlyn Jenner.

2. While President Trump is vacationing in New Jersey, the White House is undergoing a $3.4 million renovation. That story again, replacing soggy mattresses is more expensive than you thought.

3. A man who survived two days stranded in the Arizona desert, made it through by drinking beer and his own urine. When asked why he didn’t drink the six-pack of Mountain Dew he had, the man replied, “I wasn’t that desperate.”

4. The Mars Curiosity Rover celebrated five years in space this week by humming “Happy Birthday” to itself. The story again, the Mars Curiosity Rover is apparently a divorced dad who lost custody.

5. Ten years after her orthodontic braces were removed, a piece of dental wire was found stuck inside an Australian woman’s small intestine. But, on the plus-side, her small intestine has never looked so straight.

6. Nevada’s so-called ‘Clown Motel,’ which contains 600 clown figurines, mannequins and paintings, is up for sale. It’s perfect for anyone who doesn’t want to sleep another night in their life.

7. A man was busted at a Metallica concert in Arizona after allegedly urinating on family of three. Said the owner of the venue, “We don’t tolerate that kind of behavior unless, of course, R Kelly is playing.”

8. Over the weekend, a man and a woman were caught having sex at the Wisconsin State Fair. Even worse, there was a ‘You Must Be This Tall to Ride This Ride’ sign set up in front of her.

9. The town of Hamburg, New York has launched a campaign to rejuvenate an old water tower by painting it to resemble a hamburger. That story again, living in Hamburg, New York is exactly as excited as you think it is.

10. Last week, a 13-year-old boy in Connecticut woke up to find a skunk in his bed. That story again, Pepe Le Pew’s still at it:

July 24, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

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1. The U.S. will reportedly ban Americans from traveling to North Korea. That story again, Dennis Rodman will have to find a new way to desperately seek attention.

2. Over the weekend, actor Ben Affleck confirmed that he will continue to portray Batman in upcoming films. Which explains this recent photo:

3. The legal Bunny Ranch brothel in Nevada has offered O.J. Simpson a job as a greeter. Of course, if he accepts, it won’t be the first time he’s in a room covered in other people’s DNA, allegedly.

4. On Friday, White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer resigned. Spicer said he is hoping that his previous, more dignified job is still available:

5. On Friday, newly hired White House communications director Anthony Scaramucci quietly deleted old tweets that were critical of President Trump and his policies. “Wait, you can delete old tweets!?!” asked Trump:

6. While promoting his upcoming movie at Comic Con, actor Will Smith said seeing ‘Star Wars’ for the first time was better than having sex. Said fans in attendance dressed up as their favorite Star Wars character, “I guess we’ll just have to take your word for it.”

7. An angry pregnant wife in Vietnam attacked her cheating husband’s mistress by allegedly forcing red-hot chili peppers into her vagina. “Wow, the acoustics in here are great!” said the Red Hot Chili Peppers:

8. Police in San Francisco said a man was mugged and the two assailants made off with his ventriloquist dummy. Police are hoping to track down the muggers to thank them.

9. A 22-year-old named Fellony Hudson is accused of felony kidnapping, felony eluding and felony possession of a stolen car. And don’t even ask what his brother Sodomy Hudson is being charged with.

10. Kellyanne Conway said Sunday that CNN made a “business decision” to be “unfair” to President Trump. Just like Conway made a business decision to give that apple to Snow White.

July 5, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Since taking office, President Trump has yet to visit the Democratic stronghold of California. But, in his defense, that’s where Tiffany lives.

2. Last week, ‘Sesame Street’ aired a segment on immigrants right before President Trump’s travel ban went into effect. In response, Trump threatened to use ‘The National Enquirer’ to out Bert and Ernie.

3. According to a new study, women find men with scruff attractive as short-term partners, but gravitate to men with full beards for long-term relationships. It’s like I always say, you fuck Michael J. Fox, but you marry Teen Wolf:

4. Police in Detroit are looking for a bald man who allegedly stole seven boxes of Rogaine from a local Walgreens. The week before a man with a full head of hair stole nine boxes, but no one said anything because he looked so confident and sure of himself.

5. According to a new study, longterm breastfeeding can lead to cavities. Although I think cavities are the least of your concerns if you’re still breastfeeding even though your kid has teeth.

6. An Oklahoma man is facing a felony charge after allegedly phoning in a bomb threat to a police department from a pay phone in the station’s lobby. Said the man upon arrest, “I get one phone call, right?”

7. The Pittsburgh house where fictional serial killer Buffalo Bill lived in the movie “Silence of the Lambs” is up for sale. The listing is scaring many people away because even if you manage to crawl out of the hole in the basement, you’re still in Pittsburgh.

8. Last week, a die-hard soccer fan from Mexico, told his wife that he was stepping out to buy cigarettes, then boarded a plane to Germany and drove to Russia to watch his national soccer team play in the Confederations Cup. Ironically, ever since his wife found out that he skipped out on her to watch a soccer game, he’s be forced to use his hand.

9. Authorities in Queens are trying to stop sections of Rockaway Beach from eroding and literally getting washed away. Although, I’m of the opinion, the less there is of Queens, the better.

10. Licensed prostitutes in Nevada, working in legal brothels, are organizing against the Republican-led American Health Care Act they say will devastate them. Which makes sense, because if Republican lawmakers are busy writing the bill, they won’t have time to hire them.

June 28, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Last year, tourists threw $2 million worth of coins in Rome’s Trevi Fountain. As a result, it now insists on being called Trevor Fountain III.

2. A Lebanese calligrapher has completed a two-year project to hand write a copy of the Koran, Islam’s holy book. Meanwhile, I’m in year three of trying to get through “Eat, Pray, Love.”

3. A nuclear power plant in the Czech Republic used a bikini contest to hire interns. “Come on, at least we have a talent portion, too,” said Fox News.

4. A nuclear power plant in the Czech Republic used a bikini contest to hire interns. The winner was able to both separate an atom and stimulate an Adam.

5. According to ‘The Washington Post,’ a framed edition of ‘Time Magazine’ with President Trump on the cover that hangs in many of his golf clubs is actually a fake. Which makes me wonder if he was really named People’s Sexiest Man of 2005:

6. Taco Bell is offering a $600 wedding package at its Las Vegas location. The theme of every wedding there will be ‘Bad Decisions.’

7. According to a new survey, an overwhelming majority of people in other countries have no confidence in President Trump’s ability to lead. And a majority in this country as well:

8. A New York man was charged with disorderly conduct after using the free WiFi at a Pennsylvania McDonald’s to watch porn on his tablet. Said the man, “That special sauce isn’t gonna make itself.”

9. A New Zealand duo set a world record for the longest throw and catch of an unbroken egg at over 265 feet. But, as a precaution, all the king’s horses and all the king’s men were onsite just in case.

10. According to a new study, listening to Justin Bieber music while eating can make your food taste bad. Although, if you’re eating at a Guy Fieri restaurant it’s kinda hard to determine what caused what.

March 3, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Thursday morning, the newly-confirmed Secretary of the Interior, Ryan Zinke, rode a horse to work. Big deal, this is how Trump gets to work every morning:
putin-trump

2. On Wednesday, novelist Kurt Anderson and actor Alec Baldwin announced that they are teaming up to write a satirical book about President Trump. It will be the first completely satirical book that is also non-fiction.

3. Quarterback Colin Kaepernick has changed his mind and announced that he will stand during the national anthem next season. “Down in front!” said the guy sitting behind him at the Buffalo Wild Wings.

4. A Florida golf club owned by President Trump appealed a federal judge’s ruling that it pay $5.77 million to former members for refusing to refund their deposits when they wanted to resign. So, at least we know for sure Trump is familiar with the word ‘resign.’

5. On Thursday, First Lady Melania Trump visited a New York City hospital and read Dr. Seuss books to sick children. Presumably because some Make-A-Wish kid has an amazing sense of humor.

6. This week, a woman in Las Vegas created a wedding dress made entirely of empty Taco Bell wrappers. And, if she’s the reason those wrappers are empty, I’m guessing her fiancé is currently running for the border.

7. An Ohio man is being charged after several women accused him of taking off their shoes and sucking on their toes in a mall. Proving, if you put on a referee’s shirt and walk into a Lady’s Footlocker, you can pretty much do whatever you want.

8. According to a new study, straight women have fewer orgasms than straight men. When reached for comment, straight men were already fast asleep.

9. McDonald’s announced that later this year it will allow customers in the United States to order and pay via their cell phones. And I have a sneaking suspicious that your iPhone will be the only Apple involved in that transaction.

10. On Wednesday, a US-bound plane was unable to take off from Heathrow Airport after a mouse was spotted on board. Which I believe is the prequel to ‘Snakes on a Plane.’

11. According to a senior administration official, President Trump believes the “greatest immediate threat” to the U.S. is North Korea and its nuclear program. And I have to admit, having a spoiled brat, who inherited everything from his father, never truly worked a day in his life and is intent on building up his country’s nuclear program, does sound terrifying.

12. On Monday, two giant pandas at a Tokyo Zoo mated for 52-seconds after a four-year hiatus. That story again, two pandas at a Tokyo Zoo are married.

13. A Florida man was caught trying to smuggle 54 antidepressant pills into a Jacksonville prison in his rectum. Word of advice, now that you’re in prison, that’s not the best place to hid things.

14. A man in Florida claims his pet dog accidentally shot his sleeping girlfriend after leaping on his gun. And, in unrelated news, Oscar Pistorius has adopted a dog.

15. After visiting the White House, Ohio Governor John Kasich, who was a vocal opponent of Donald Trump’s while campaigning, compared his situation to being on an airplane and rooting for the pilot to succeed. But make no bones about it, Kasich was also making a mental inventory of all the things around him that could be used as a flotation device.

January 20, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Today, the Obama family will officially leave the White House and move into their new 8-bedroom, 8-bathroom home in a Washington D.C. Or, as Donald Trump refers to it, their new 16-bathroom home.

2. According to sources, President-elect Donald Trump is still using his personal cell phone and will answer calls from unknown numbers. Especially if they are calling collect from Russia.

3. The National Football League’s Oakland Raiders filed paperwork with the league on Thursday to move to Las Vegas. Which is weird, because you don’t usually move to Las Vegas so much as just end up there.

4. According to a new survey, 32% of all U.S. adults watch pirated content. The number is much lower of course if Johnny Depp is in it:
depp

5. A man in Virginia is giving his wife one of his kidneys on their 20th wedding anniversary. Said his wife, “Maybe just flowers next year.”

6. Restaurant chain Chuck E. Cheese is reportedly planning an IPO. And, if you want in, you should jump on the initial public offering, because if I know anything about Chuck E. Cheese it’s that no one goes back for seconds.

7. This week actress Betty White’s turned 95. She celebrated with a quiet night at home with her three best friends:
golden-girls

8. According to a new study, fussy babies may cry less after receiving acupuncture. Because it only takes three days of nonstop crying before sticking a baby with a bunch of needles sounds like a good idea.

9. A retrospective titled “Puppy Bowl: Where Are They Now?” airs tonight on Animal Planet. Unfortunately the most common answers were “a farm upstate” and “in a vietnamese guy’s belly.”

10. California is facing a large deficit for 2017 after miscalculating the costs of its state run healthcare program by over $1.9 billon last year. Said the state’s main accountant, “Oh … carry the one.”

11. On Wednesday, authorities say a Florida woman claimed dogs could fly before tossing a small dog off a 30-foot tall bridge. And, I for one, blame “Airbud”:
airbud

12. A betting website is giving 4-to-1 odds that Donald Trump will be impeached within six months of his presidency. Begging the question does starting a nuclear war that brings on the complete destruction of mankind count as “being impeached”?

13. On Monday, Jim Fouts, the mayor of Warren, Michigan said a newly released tape supposedly of him making racist and sexist comments is fake. Adding, “And, if it’s not fake, Billy Bush goaded me into saying those things.”

14. According to “The New York Times,” Russian President Vladimir Putin instructed his defense minister that if he wanted to understand America he should watch “House of Cards.” Although, after Trump’s election, maybe they should check out “The Dukes of Hazard,” too.

15. A 29-year-old woman from Minnesota has a rare disorder of the immune system, that makes her allergic to almost everything, including her husband’s scent. But, just to make sure, she also has a headache tonight.

16. On Monday, Nike presented President Obama with his own personalized Air Jordan sneakers. “That’s news to me,” said Donald Trump learning at that very moment that President Obama and Michael Jordan were two different people.

17. A new study determined that employers should let workers take breaks to masturbate because it relieves tension and make employees happier. Well all employees except for the janitor.

18. In a recent interview, Kendall Jenner said if it were possible she would want the late Audrey Hepburn to play her in a movie. And I’m confident if cancer hadn’t killed Hepburn, that probably would have done it.
 
19. It has been announced that Toby Keith and 3 Doors Down will headline Donald Trump’s inauguration. Because, apparently, the ‘Again’ in ‘Make American Great Again,’ was 1998.

20. Stores are pulling jars of Nutella from their shelves after a report was published linking the chocolate spread to cancer. You can read more about it in this month’s medical journal of “Thanks for Nothing, Scientists.”

January 19, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

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1. It is rumored that Donald Trump’s transition team is paying seat fillers to attend his inauguration. Or, as Trump refers to them, “Tiffany.”

2. During an interview on FoxNews yesterday, President-elect said he doesn’t want celebrities at his inauguration. “Well, then do I have the band for you!” said the manager of 3 Doors Down.

3. It is being reported that President-elect Donald Trump will be sworn in on his childhood bible on Friday. It’s the bible the President-elect used when he was seven in 1953 and, much like the hand Trump will place on it, it hasn’t changed much since.

4. It is expected to rain in Washington D.C. on Friday during President-elect Donald Trump’s inauguration. But that’s still over 24 hours away and there’s a good chance the rain, like many others who agreed to show up, will eventually back out.

5. President-elect Donald Trump’s childhood home in New York is up for sale. It is a historic site where a future president for the first time, but definitely not the last, wet his bed.

6. The driver of a Tesla car was reportedly left stranded in the desert near Las Vegas on Saturday when his car’s control app failed. The driver said the hardest part about being stranded in the desert was that there was no one around he could brag to about owning a Tesla.

7. According to a new study, France is the least trusted country in the world. So, guess you’ll just have to work harder next year, fake Nigerian princes.

8. On Wednesday, Nikki Haley, President-elect Donald Trump’s nominee for ambassador to the United Nations, said the United States cannot trust Russia and must see “positive actions” by Russia before easing U.S. sanctions. That story again, Trump is looking for a new ambassador to the United Nations.

9. Monday night, President-elect Donald Trump tried to tweet at his daughter Ivanka Trump, but tweeted at a digital consultant in Britain named Ivanka Majic by accident. Even worse, this was the tweet:
mlk-tweet

10. British scientists have created a complicated knot at the molecular level that is 192 atoms long that could be used to make materials like Kevlar even stronger. Of course, everyone knows the strongest knot known to mankind is the knot your earphones make while in your pocket.