September 29, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. During a speech in Alabama last week, President Trump said, “I might have made a mistake. I’ll be honest, I might have made a mistake.” Then he brought Eric on stage.

2. During a speech in Alabama last week, President Trump said that he might have moved to Alabama or Kentucky if he lost the 2016 election because “it’s nice to go to where people love you and you love them.” Also, they tend to look the other way on certain things:

3. Last week, Angela Merkel has won a fourth term as German Chancellor. “Alright, now that bitch is just rubbing it in,” said Hillary.

4. Last Friday, President Trump promised that North Korea’s Kim Jong Un “will be tested like never before.” So, he’s gonna make him do two push-ups?

5. On Saturday, President Trump disinvited the Golden State Warriors from taking the customary championship visit to the White House. “Looks like I gotta start working on another way to get invited to the White House,” said Eric:

6. As a sign of solidarity, Stevie Wonder took a knee while the National Anthem played at a concert on Sunday. Or, more likely, someone moved Stevie’s chair without telling him.

7. This week, Health and Human Services Secretary Tom Price told Fox News that he will no longer use private jets for government business. Adding, “Is it possible to rent the Popemobile?”

8. Former U.S. Representative Anthony Weiner was sentenced to 21 months in prison on Monday for sending sexually explicit messages to a 15-year-old girl. But, on the plus side, his lawyer was able to negotiate his one jailhouse phone call into five jailhouse text messages.

9. On Monday, a man at a Sri Lankan airport was found to be carrying over two pounds of gold hidden in his rectum. So when your boyfriend tells you he “went to Jared” ask him to be more specific.

10. Researchers have discovered that some species of frogs engage in sex orgies. So it may not be easy being green but it sounds like being green makes you easy.

11. New research shows that New York City is the most popular city to have a threesome. This according to a news article that Anthony Weiner keeps sending Huma from jail.

12. After Roy Moore won Alabama’s Republican Senate runoff Tuesday night, President Trump deleted tweets where he supported Moore’s opponent Luther Strange. Wait, Trump’s known how to delete tweets this whole time?!!?!:

13. According to reports, senior advisor to the president Jared Kushner is registered to vote in New York as a woman. Presumably because there wasn’t a box for ‘douchebag.’

14. According to reports, senior advisor to the president Jared Kushner is registered to vote in New York as a woman. So I guess Trump’s cabinet was much more diverse than we thought.

15. While appearing on Megyn Kelly’s new daytime show, Lyle Menendez said he regrets what he did every day. Although I have to believe agreeing to appear on the Megyn Kelly show is quickly climbing that list of regrets.

16. On Wednesday, Paul Horner, a leading purveyor of fake news in the 2016 presidential election, died at the age of 38. Horner died doing what he loved, getting gang-raped by a group of Mexican wrestlers while he orally pleasured a donkey or at least that’s what I read in an article online.

17. According to a new study, 215 million Americans watched the solar eclipse. The last time that many people gathered to watch a dark moment, the crowd was much smaller:

18. According to reports, The Trump administration plans to admit up to 45,000 refugees to the United States next year. Whereupon they will be released into the wild and Stephen Miller will be allowed to shoot them for sport:

19. China’s latest online star uses everyday office equipment to cook pancakes, hot pot and even flame-grilled fish at her desk. “Great, maybe she can get a new job now,” said the guy in the cubicle next to her.

20. This week, Playboy founder Hugh Hefner died at the age of 91. Thus marking the first time Hefner has ever caused men to use tissues for their intended purpose.

21. This week, Playboy founder Hugh Hefner died at the age of 91. The first person to find the body was the 26-year-old blonder he was lying on top of.

22. This week, Playboy founder Hugh Hefner died at the age of 91. But, on the plus side, due to rigamortis, it’s the stiffest he’s been in years.

23. An employe of the Buffalo Bills quit after the entire team took a knee during the national anthem last weekend. Which was a nice change of pace for most Buffalo fans who are used to the Bills quitting in the middle of games.

24. Florida corrections officials said on Thursday they had no indication from O.J. Simpson that he would move to the state after his upcoming release from a Nevada prison. Although he does have a history of showing put to places unannounced, allegedly.

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