August 9, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Kylie Jenner recently admitted that she doesn’t know who she is since becoming famous saying, “I think I lost a lot of parts of myself.” “You think you lost parts of yourself,” said Caitlyn Jenner.

2. While President Trump is vacationing in New Jersey, the White House is undergoing a $3.4 million renovation. That story again, replacing soggy mattresses is more expensive than you thought.

3. A man who survived two days stranded in the Arizona desert, made it through by drinking beer and his own urine. When asked why he didn’t drink the six-pack of Mountain Dew he had, the man replied, “I wasn’t that desperate.”

4. The Mars Curiosity Rover celebrated five years in space this week by humming “Happy Birthday” to itself. The story again, the Mars Curiosity Rover is apparently a divorced dad who lost custody.

5. Ten years after her orthodontic braces were removed, a piece of dental wire was found stuck inside an Australian woman’s small intestine. But, on the plus-side, her small intestine has never looked so straight.

6. Nevada’s so-called ‘Clown Motel,’ which contains 600 clown figurines, mannequins and paintings, is up for sale. It’s perfect for anyone who doesn’t want to sleep another night in their life.

7. A man was busted at a Metallica concert in Arizona after allegedly urinating on family of three. Said the owner of the venue, “We don’t tolerate that kind of behavior unless, of course, R Kelly is playing.”

8. Over the weekend, a man and a woman were caught having sex at the Wisconsin State Fair. Even worse, there was a ‘You Must Be This Tall to Ride This Ride’ sign set up in front of her.

9. The town of Hamburg, New York has launched a campaign to rejuvenate an old water tower by painting it to resemble a hamburger. That story again, living in Hamburg, New York is exactly as excited as you think it is.

10. Last week, a 13-year-old boy in Connecticut woke up to find a skunk in his bed. That story again, Pepe Le Pew’s still at it:

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